ANGERHELM

BY CORDWAINER SMITH

Funny funny funny. It’s sort of funny funny funny to think without a brain - it is really something like a trick but not a trick to think without a brain. Talking is even harder but it can be done.

I still remember the way that phrase came ringing through when we finally got hold of old Nelson Angerhelm and sat him down with the buzzing tape.

The story began a long time before that. I never knew the beginnings.

My job is an assistant to Mr. Spatz, and Spatz has been shooting holes in budgets now for eighteen years. He is the man who approves, on behalf of the Director of the Budget, all requests for special liaison between the Department of the Army and the intelligence community.

He is very good at his job. More people have shown up asking for money and have ended up with about one-tenth of what they asked than you could line up in any one corridor of the Pentagon. That is saying a lot.

The case began to break some months ago after the Russians started to get back those odd little recording capsules. The capsules came out of their Sputniks. We didn’t know what was in the capsules as they returned from upper space. All we knew was that there was something in them.

The capsules descended in such a way that we could track them by radar. Unfortunately they all fell into Russian territory except for a single capsule which landed in the Atlantic. At the seven-million-dollar point we gave up trying to find it.

The Commander of the Atlantic fleet had been told by his intelligence officer that they might have a chance of finding it if they kept on looking. The Commander referred the matter to Washington, and the budget people saw the request. That stopped it, for a while.

The case began to break from about four separate directions at once. Khrushchev himself said something very funny to the Secretary of State. They had met in London after all.

Khrushchev said at the end of a meeting, “You play jokes sometimes, Mr. Secretary?”

The Secretary looked very surprised when he heard the translation.

“Jokes, Mr. Prime Minister?”

“Yes.”

“What kind of jokes?”

“Jokes about apparatus.”

“Jokes about machinery don’t sit very well,” said the American.

They went on talking back and forth as to whether it was a good idea to play practical jokes when each one had a serious job of espionage to do.

The Russian leader insisted that he had no espionage, never heard of espionage and that his espionage worked well enough so that he knew damn well that he didn’t have any espionage.

To this display of heat, the Secretary replied that he didn’t have any espionage either and that we knew nothing whatever that occurred in Russia. Furthermore not only did we not know anything about Russia but we knew we didn’t know it and we made sure of that. After this exchange both leaders parted, each one wondering what the other had been talking about.

The whole matter was referred back to Washington. I was somewhere down on the list to see it.

At that time I had “Galactic” clearance. Galactic clearance came a little bit after Universal clearance. It wasn’t very strong but it amounted to something. I was supposed to see those special papers in connection with my job of assisting Mr. Spatz in liaison. Actually it didn’t do any good except fill in the time when I wasn’t working out budgets for him.

The second lead came from some of the boys over in the Valley. We never called the place by any other name and we don’t even like to see it in the federal budget. We know as much as we need to about it and then we stop thinking.

It is much safer to stop thinking. It is not our business to think about what other people are doing, particularly if they are spending several million dollars of Uncle Sam’s money every day, trying to find out what they think and most of the time ending up with nothing conclusive.

Later we were to find out that the boys in the Valley had practically every security agent in the country rushing off to Minneapolis to look for a man named Angerhelm. Nelson Angerhelm.

The name didn’t mean anything then but before we got through it ended up as the largest story of the twentieth century. If they ever turn it loose it is going to be the biggest story in two thousand years.

The third part of the story came along a little later.

Colonel Plugg was over in G-2. He called up Mr. Spatz and he couldn’t get Mr. Spatz so he called me.

He said, “What’s the matter with your boss? Isn’t he ever in his room?”

“Not if I can help it. I don’t run him, he runs me. What do you want, Colonel?” I said.

The colonel snarled.

“Look, I am supposed to get money out of you for liaison purposes. I don’t know how far I am going to have liaise or if it is any of my business. I asked my old man what I ought to do about it and he doesn’t know. Perhaps we ought to get out and just let the Intelligence boys handle it. Or we ought to send it to State. You spend half your life telling me whether I can have liaison or not and then giving me the money for it. Why don’t you come on over and take a little responsibility for a change?”

I rushed over to Plugg’s office. It was an Army problem.

These are the facts.

The Soviet Assistant Military Attach, a certain Lieutenant Colonel Potariskov, asked for an interview. When he came over he brought nothing with him. This time he didn’t even bring a translator. He spoke very funny English but it worked.

The essence of Potariskov’s story was that he didn’t think it was very sporting of the American military to interfere in solemn weather reporting by introducing practical jokes in Soviet radar. If the American army didn’t have anything else better to do would they please play jokes on each other but not on the Soviet forces? This didn’t make much sense.

Colonel Plugg tried to find out what the man was talking about. The Russian sounded crazy and kept talking about jokes.

It finally turned out that Potariskov had a piece of paper in his pocket. He took it out and Plugg looked at it.

On it there was an address. Nelson Angerhelm, 2322 Ridge Drive, Hopkins, Minnesota.

It turned out that Hopkins, Minnesota, was a suburb of Minneapolis. That didn’t take long to find out.

This meant nothing to Colonel Plugg and he asked if there was anything that Potariskov really wanted.

Potariskov asked if the Colonel would confess to the Angerhelm joke.

Potariskov said that in Intelligence they never tell you about the jokes they play with the Signal Corps. Plugg still insisted that he didn’t know. He said he would try to find out and let Potariskov know later on. Potariskov went away.

Plugg called up the Signal Corps, and by the time he got through calling he had a lead back into the Valley. The Valley people heard about it and they immediately sent a man over.

It was about this time that I came in. He couldn’t get hold of Mr. Spatz and there was real trouble.

The point is that all three of them led together. The Valley people had picked up the name (and it is not up to me to tell you how they got hold of it). The name Angerhelm had been running all over the Soviet communications system. Practically every Russian official in the world had been asked if he knew anything about Nelson Angerhelm and almost every official, at least as far as the boys in the Valley could tell, had replied that he didn’t know what it was all about.

Some reference back to Mr. Khrushchev’s conversation with the Secretary of State suggested that the Angerhelm inquiry might have tied in with this. We pursued it a little further. Angerhelm was apparently the right reference. The Valley people already had something about him. They had checked with the F.B.I.

The F.B.I, had said that Nelson Angerhelm was a 62-year-old retired poultry farmer. He had served in World War I. His service had been rather brief. He had gotten as far as Plattsburg, New York, broken an ankle, stayed four months in a hospital, and the injury had developed complications. He had been drawing a Veterans Administration allowance ever since. He had never visited outside the United States, never joined a subversive organization, had never married, and never spent a nickel. So far as the F.B.I. could discover, his life was not worth living.

This left the matter up in the air. There was nothing whatever to connect him with the Soviet Union.

It turned out that I wasn’t needed after all. Spatz came into the office and said that a conference had been called for the whole Intelligence community, people from State were sitting in, and there was a special representative from OCBM from the White House to watch what they were doing.

The question arose, “Who was Nelson Angerhelm? And what were we to do about him?”

An additional report had been made out by an agent who specialized in pretending to be an Internal Revenue man.

The “Internal Revenue agent” was one of the best people in the F.B.I. for checking on subversive activities. He was a real expert on espionage and he knew all about bad connections. He could smell a conspirator two miles off on a clear day. And by sitting in a room for a little while he could tell whether anybody had had an illegal meeting there for the previous three years. Maybe I am exaggerating a little bit but I am not exaggerating much.

This fellow, who was a real artist at smelling out Commies and anything that even faintly resembles a Commie, came back with a completely blank ticket on Angerhelm.

There was only one connection that Angerhelm had with the larger world. He had a younger brother, whose name was Tice. Funny name and I don’t know why he got it.

Somebody told us later on that the full name tied in with Theiss Ankerhjelm, which was the name of a Swedish admiral a couple hundred years ago. Perhaps the family was proud of it.

The younger brother was a West Pointer. He had had a regular career; that came easily enough out of the Adjutant General’s office.

What did develop though, was that the younger brother had died only two months previously. He too was a bachelor. One of the psychiatrists who got into the case said, “What a mother!”

Tice Angerhelm had traveled a great deal. He had something to do, as a matter of fact, with two or three of the projects that I was liaising on. There were all sorts of issues arising from this.

However, he was dead. He had never worked directly on Soviet matters. He had no Soviet friends, had never been in the Soviet Union, and had never met Soviet forces. He had never even gone to the Soviet Embassy to an official reception.

The man was no specialist, outside of Ordnance, a little tiny bit of French, and the missile program. He was a card player, an awfully good man with trout and something of a Saturday evening Don Juan.

It was then time for the fourth stage.

Colonel Plugg was told to get hold of Lieutenant Colonel Potariskov and find out what Potariskov had to give him. This time Potariskov called back and said that he would rather have his boss, the Soviet Ambassador himself, call on the Secretary or the Undersecretary of State.

There was some shilly-shallying back and forth. The Secretary was out of town, the Undersecretary said he would be very glad to see the Soviet Ambassador if there were anything to ask about. He said that we had found Angerhelm, and if the Soviet authorities wanted to interview Mr. Angerhelm themselves they jolly well could go to Hopkins, Minnesota, and interview him.

This led to a real flash of embarrassment when it was discovered that the area of Hopkins, Minnesota, was in the “no travel” zone prescribed to Soviet diplomats in retaliation against their “no travel” zones imposed on American diplomats in the Soviet Union.

This was ironed out. The Soviet Ambassador was asked, would he like to go see a chicken farmer in Minnesota?

When the Soviet Ambassador stated that he was not particularly interested in chicken farmers, but that he would be willing to see Mr. Angerhelm at a later date if the American government didn’t mind, the whole thing was let go.

Nothing happened at all. Presumably the Russians were relaying things back to Moscow by courier, letter, or whatever mysterious ways the Russians use when they are acting very deliberately and very solemnly.

I heard nothing and certainly the people around the Soviet Embassy saw no unusual contacts at that time.

Nelson Angerhelm hadn’t come into the story yet. All he knew was that several odd characters had asked him about veterans that he scarcely knew, saying that they were looking for security clearances.

And an Internal Revenue man had a long and very exhausting talk with him about his brother’s estate. That didn’t seem to leave much.

Angerhelm went on feeding his chickens. He had television and Minneapolis has a pretty good range of stations. Now and then he showed up at the church, more frequently he showed up at the general store.

He almost always went away from town to avoid the new shopping centers. He didn’t like the way Hopkins had developed and preferred to go to the little country centers where they still have general stores. In its own funny way this seemed to be the only pleasure the old man had.

After nineteen days, and I can now count almost every hour of them, the answer must have gotten back from Moscow. It was probably carried in by the stocky brown-haired courier who made the trip about every fortnight. One of the fellows from the Valley told me about that. I wasn’t supposed to know and it didn’t matter then.

Apparently the Soviet Ambassador had been told to play the matter lightly. He called on the Undersecretary of State and ended up discussing world butter prices and the effect of American exports of ghee to Pakistan on the attempts of the Soviet Union to trade ghee for hemp.

Apparently this was an extraordinary and confidential thing for the Soviet Ambassador to discuss. The Undersecretary would have been more impressed if he had been able to find out why the Soviet Ambassador just out of the top of his head announced that the Soviet Union had given about a hundred and twenty million dollars credit to Pakistan for some unnecessary highways and was able to reply, therefore, somewhat tartly to the general effect that if the Soviet Union ever decided to stabilize world markets with the cooperation of the United States we would be very happy to cooperate. But this was no time to discuss money or fair business deals when they were dumping every piece of export rubbish they could in our general direction.

It was characteristic of this Soviet Ambassador that he took the rebuff calmly. Apparently his mission was to have no mission. He left and that was all there was from him.

Potariskov came back to the Pentagon, this time accompanied by a Russian civilian. The new man’s English was a little more than perfect. The English was so good that it was desperately irritating.

Potariskov himself looked like a rather horsey, brown-faced schoolboy, with chestnut hair and brown eyes. I got to see him because they had me sitting in the back of Plugg’s office pretending just to wait for somebody else.

The conversation was very simple. Potariskov brought out a recording tape. It was standard American tape.

Plugg looked at it and said, “Do you want to play it right now?”

Potariskov agreed.

The stenographer got a tape recorder in. By that time three or four other officers wandered in and none of them happened to leave. As a matter of fact one of them wasn’t even an officer but he happened to have a uniform on that very day.

They played the tape and I listened to it. It was buzz, buzz, buzz. And there was some hissing, then it went clickety, dickety, dickety. Then it was buzz, buzz, buzz again. It was the kind of sound in which you turn on a radio and you don’t even get static. You just get funny buzzing sounds which indicates that somebody has some sort of radio transmission somewhere but it is not consistent enough to be the loud whee, wheeeee kind of static which one often hears.

All of us stood there rather solemnly. Plugg thoroughly a soldier, listened at rigid attention, moving his eyes back and forth from the tape recorder to Potariskov’s face. Potariskov looked at Plugg and then ran his eyes around the group.

The little Russian civilian, who was as poisonous as a snake, glanced at every single one of us. He was obviously taking our measure and he was anxious to find out if any of us could hear anything he couldn’t hear. None of us heard anything.

At the end of the tape Plugg reached out to turn off the machine.

“Don’t stop it,” Potariskov said.

The other Russian interjected, “Didn’t you hear it?”

All of us shook our heads. We had heard nothing.

With that, Potariskov said with singular politeness, “Please play it again.”

We played it again. Nothing happened, except for the buzzing and clicking.

After the fifteen-minute point it was beginning to get pretty stale for some of us. One or two of the men actually wandered out. They happened to be the bona fide visitors. The non-bona fide visitors slouched down in the room.

Colonel Plugg offered Potariskov a cigarette which Potariskov took. They both smoked and we played it a third time. Then the third time Potariskov said, “Turn it off.”

“Didn’t you hear it?” said Potariskov.

“Hear what?” said Plugg.

“Hear the name and the address.”

At that the funniest feeling came over me. I knew that I had heard something and I turned to the Colonel and said, “Funny, I don’t know where I heard it or how I heard it but I do know something that I didn’t know.”

“What is that?” said the little Russian civilian, his face lighting up.

“Nelson,” said I, intending to say, “Nelson Angerhelm, 2322 Ridge Drive, Hopkins, Minnesota.” Just as I had seen it in the “galactic” secret documents. Of course I didn’t go any further. That was in the document and was very secret indeed. How should I know it?

The Russian civilian looked at me. There was a funny, wicked, friendly, crooked sort of smile on his face. He said, “Didn’t you hear ‘Nelson Angerhelm, 2322 Ridge Drive, Hopkins, Minnesota,’ just now, and yet did you not know where you heard it?”

The question then arose, “What had happened?”

Potariskov spoke with singular candor. Even the Russian with him concurred.

“We believe that this is a case of marginal perception. We have played this. This is obviously a copy. We have many such copies. We have played it to all our people. Nobody can even specify at what point he has heard it. We have had our best experts on it. Some put it at minute three. Others put it at minute twelve. Some put it at minute thirteen and a half and at different places. But different people under different controls all come out with the idea that they have heard ‘Nelson Angerhelm, 2322 Ridge Drive, Hopkins, Minnesota.’ We have tried it on Chinese people.”

At that the Russian colonel interrupted, “Yes, indeed, they tried it on Chinese persons and even they heard the same thing, Nelson Angerhelm. Even when they do not know the language they hear ‘Nelson Angerhelm.’ Even when they know nothing else they hear that and they hear the street numbers. The numbers are always in English. They cannot make a recording. The recording is only of this noise and yet it comes out. What do you make of that?”

What they said turned out to be true. We tried it also, after they went away.

We tried it on college students, foreigners, psychiatrists, White House staff members, and passers-by. We even thought of running it on a municipal radio somewhere as a quiz show, and offering prizes for anyone that got it. That was a little too heavy, so we accepted a much safer suggestion that we try it out on the public address system of the SAC base. The SAC was guarded night and day.

No one happened to be getting much leave anyhow and it was easy enough to cut off the leave for an extra week. We played that damn thing six times over and almost everybody on that base wanted to write a letter to Nelson Angerhelm, 2322 Ridge Drive, Hopkins, Minnesota. They were even calling each other Angerhelm and wondering what the hell it meant.

Naturally there were a great many puns on the name and even some jokes of a rather smutty order. That didn’t help.

The troublesome thing was that on all these different tests we too were unable to find out at what point the subliminal transmission of the name and address came.

It was subliminal, all right. There’s not much trick to that. Any good psychologist can pass along either a noise message or a sight message without the recipient knowing exactly when he got it. It is simply a matter of getting down near the threshold, running a little tiny bit under the threshold and then making the message sharp and clear enough, just under the level of conscious notice, so that it slips on through.

We therefore knew what we were dealing with. What we didn’t know was what the Russians were doing with it, how they had gotten it and why they were so upset about it.

Finally it all went to the White House for a conference. The conference, to which my boss Mr. Spatz went along as a sort of rapporteur and monitor to safeguard the interests of the Director of the Budget and of the American taxpayer, was a rather brief affair.

All roads led to Nelson Angerhelm. Nelson Angerhelm was already guarded by about half of the F.B.I. and a large part of the local military district forces. Every room in his house had been wired. The microphones were sensitive enough to hear his heart beat. The safety precautions we were taking on that man would have justified the program we have for taking care of Fort Knox.

Angerhelm knew that some awful funny things had been happening but he didn’t know what and he didn’t know who was concerned with it.

Months later he was able to tell somebody that he thought his brother had probably done some forgery or counterfeiting and that the neighborhood was being thoroughly combed. He didn’t realize his safeguarding was the biggest American national treasure since the discovery of the atomic bomb.

The President himself gave the word. He reviewed the evidence. The Secretary of State said that he didn’t think that Khrushchev would have brought up the question of a joke if Khrushchev himself had not missed out on the facts.

We had even tried Russians on it, of course - Russians on our side. And they didn’t get any more off the record than the rest of the people. Everybody heard the same blessed thing, “Nelson Angerhelm, 2322 Ridge Drive, Hopkins, Minnesota.”

But that didn’t get anybody anywhere.

The only thing left was to try it on the man himself.

When it came to picking inconspicuous people to go along, the Intelligence committee were pretty thin-skinned about letting outsiders into their show. On the other hand they did not have domestic jurisdiction, particularly not when the President had turned it over to J. Edgar Hoover and said, “Ed, you handle this. I don’t like the looks of it.”

Somebody over in the Pentagon, presumably deviled on by Air Intelligence, got the bright idea that if the Army and the rest of the Intelligence committee couldn’t fit into the show the best they could do would be to get their revenge on liaison by letting liaison itself go. This meant Mr. Spatz.

Mr. Spatz has been on the job for many, many years by always avoiding anything interesting or dramatic, always watching for everything that mattered - which was the budget and the authorization for next year - and by ditching controversial personalities long before anyone else had any idea that they were controversial.

Therefore, he didn’t go. If this Angerhelm fiasco was going to turn out to be a mess he wanted to be out of it.

It was me who got the assignment.

I was made a sort of honorary member of the F.B.I, and they even let me carry the tape in the end. They must have had about six other copies of the tape so the honor wasn’t as marked as it looked. We were simply supposed to go along as people who knew something about the brother.

It was a dry, reddish Sunday afternoon, looking a little bit as though the sunset were coming.

We drove up to this very nice frame house. It had double windows all the way around and looked as tight as the proverbial rug for a bug to be snug in in cold winter. This wasn’t winter and the old gentleman obviously couldn’t pay for air conditioning. But the house still looked snug.

There was no waste, no show. It just looked like a thoroughly livable house.

The F.B.I. man was big-hearted and let me ring the doorbell. There was no answer so I rang the doorbell some more. Again, nobody answered the bell.

We decided to wait outside and wandered around the yard. We looked at the car in the yard; it seemed in running order.

We rang the doorbell again, then walked around the house and looked into the kitchen window. We checked his car to see if the radiator felt warm. We looked at our watches. We wondered if he were hiding and peeking out at us. Once more we rang the doorbell.

Just then, the old boy came down the front walk.

We introduced ourselves and the preliminaries were the usual sort of thing. I found my heart beating violently. If something had stumped both the Soviet Union and the rest of the world, something salvaged possibly out of space itself, something which thousands of men had heard and none could identify, something so mysterious that the name of Nelson Angerhelm rang over and over again like a pitiable cry beyond all limits of understanding, what could this be?

We didn’t know.

The old man stood there. He was erect, sunburned, red-cheeked, red-nosed, red-eared. Healthy as he could be, Swedish to the bone.

All we had to do was to tell him that we were concerned with his brother, Tice Angerhelm, and he listened to us. We had no trouble, no trouble at all.

As he listened his eyes got wide and he said, “I know there has been a lot of snooping around here and you people had a lot of trouble and I thought somebody was going to come and talk to me about it but I didn’t think it would be this soon.”

The F.B.I. man muttered something polite and vague, so Angerhelm went on, “I suppose you gentlemen are from the F.B.I. I don’t think my brother was cheating. He wasn’t that dishonest.”

Another pause, and he continued. “But there is always a kind of a funny sleek mind - he looked like the kind of man who would play a joke.”

Angerhelm’s eyes lit up. “If he played a joke, gentlemen, he might even have committed a crime, I don’t know. All I do is raise chickens and try to have my life.”

Perhaps it was the wrong kind of Intelligence procedure but I broke in ahead of the F.B.I. and said, “Are you a happy man, Mr. Angerhelm? Do you live a life that you think is really satisfying?”

The old boy gave me a keen look. It was obvious that he thought there was something wrong and he didn’t have very much confidence in my judgment.

And yet underneath the sharpness of his look he shot me a glance of sympathy and I am sure that he suspected I had been under a strain. His eyes widened a little. His shoulders went back, and he looked a little prouder.

He looked like the kind of man who might remember that he had Swedish admirals for ancestors, and that long before the Angerhelm name ran out and ran dry there in this flat country west of Minneapolis there had been something great in it and that perhaps sparks of the great name still flew somewhere in the universe.

I don’t know. He got the importance of it, I suppose, because he looked me very sharply and very clearly in the eye.

“No, young man, my life hasn’t been much of a life and I haven’t liked it. And I hope nobody has to live a life like mine. But that is enough of that. I don’t suppose you’re guessing and I suppose you’ve got something pretty bad to show me.”

The other fellow then took over.

“Yes, but it doesn’t involve any embarrassment for you, Mr. Angerhelm. And even Colonel Angerhelm, your brother, wouldn’t mind if he were living.”

“Don’t be so sure of that,” said the old man. “My brother minded almost everything. As a matter of fact, my brother once said to me, ‘Listen, Nels, I’d come back from Hell itself rather than let somebody put something over on me.’ That’s what he said. I think he meant it. There was a funny pride to him and if you’ve got anything here on my brother, you’d better just show it to me.”

With that, we got over the small talk and we did what we were told to do. We got out the tape and put it on the portable machine, the hi-fi one which we brought along with us.

We played it for the old man.

I had heard it so often that I think I could almost have reproduced it with my vocal cords. The clickety-click, and the buzz, buzz. There wasn’t any whee, whee, but there was some more clickety-click and there was some buzz, buzz, and long periods of dull silence, the kind of contrived silence which a recording machine makes when it is playing but nothing is coming through on it.

The old gentleman listened to it and it seemed to have no effect on him, no effect at all. No effect at all? That wasn’t true. There was an effect. When we got through the first time, he said very simply, very directly, almost coldly, “Play it again. Play it again for me. There may be something there.”

We played it again.

After that second playing he started to talk. “It is the funniest thing, I hear my own name and address there and I don’t know where I hear it, but I swear to God, gentlemen, that’s my brother’s voice. It is my brother’s voice I hear there somewhere in those clicks and noises. And yet all I can hear is Nelson Angerhelm, 2322 Ridge Drive, Hopkins, Minnesota. But I hear that, gentlemen, and it is not only plain, it is my brother’s voice and I don’t know where I heard it. I don’t know how it came through.”

We played it for him a third time. When the tape was halfway through, he threw up his hands and said, “Turn it off. Turn it off. I can’t stand it. Turn it off.” We turned it off.

He sat there in the chair breathing hard. After a while in a very funny cracked tone of voice he said, “I’ve got some whisky. It’s back there on the shelf by the sink. Get me a shot of it, will you, gentlemen?”

The F.B.I. man and I looked at each other. He didn’t want to get mixed up in accidental poisoning so he sent me. I went back. It was good enough whisky, one of the regular brands. I poured the old boy a two-ounce slug and took the glass back. I sipped a tiny bit of it myself. It seemed like a silly thing to do on duty but I couldn’t risk any poison getting to him. After all my years in Army counter-intelligence I wanted to stay in the Civil Service and I didn’t want to take any chances on losing my good job with Mr. Spatz.

He drank the whisky and he said, “Can you record on this thing at the same time that you play?”

We said we couldn’t. We hadn’t thought of that.

“I think I may be able to tell you what it is saying. But I don’t know how many times I can tell you, gentlemen. I am a sick man. I’m not feeling good. I never have felt very good. My brother had the life. I didn’t have the life. I never had much of a life and never did anything and never went anywhere. My brother had everything. My brother got the women, he got the girl - he got the only girl I ever wanted, and then he didn’t marry her. He got the life and he went away and then he died. He played jokes and he never let anybody get ahead of him. And, gentlemen, my brother’s dead. Can you understand that? My brother’s dead.”

We said we knew his brother was dead. We didn’t tell him that he had been exhumed and that the coffin had been opened and the bones had been X-rayed. We didn’t tell him that the bones had been weighed, fresh identification had been remade from what was left of the fingers, and they were in pretty good shape.

We didn’t tell him that the serial number had been checked and that all the circumstances leading to the death had been checked and that everybody connected with it had been interviewed.

We didn’t tell him that. We just told him we knew that his brother was dead. He knew that too.

“You know my brother is dead and then this funny thing has his voice in it. All it’s got is his voice …”

We agreed. We said that we didn’t know how his voice got in there and we didn’t even know that there was a voice.

We didn’t tell him that we had heard that voice ourselves a thousand times and yet never knew where we heard it.

We didn’t tell him that we’d played it at the SAC base and that every man there had heard the name, Nelson Angerhelm, had heard something saying that and yet couldn’t tell where.

We didn’t tell him that the entire apparatus of Soviet intelligence had been sweating over this for an unstated period of time and that our people had the unpleasant feeling that this came out of a Sputnik somewhere out in the sky.

We didn’t tell him all that but we knew it. We knew that if he heard his brother’s voice and if he wanted to record, it was something very serious.

“Can you get me something to dictate on?” the old man said.

“I can take notes,” the F.B.I. man replied.

The old man shook his head. “That isn’t enough,” he said. “I think you probably want to get the whole thing if you ever get it and I begin to get pieces of it.”

“Pieces of what?” said the F.B.I. man.

“Pieces of the stuff behind all that noise. It’s my brother’s voice talking. He’s saying, things - I don’t like what he is saying. It frightens me and it just makes everything bad and dirty. I’m not sure I can take it and I am not going to take it twice. I think I’ll go to church instead.”

We looked at each other. “Can you wait ten minutes? I think I can get a recording machine by then.”

The old man nodded his head. The F.B.I. man went out to the car and cranked up the radio. A great big aerial shot up out of the car which otherwise was a very inconspicuous Chevrolet sedan. He got his office. A recording machine with a police escort was sent out from downtown Minneapolis toward Hopkins. I don’t know what time it took ambulances to make it but the fellow at the other end said, “You better allow me twenty to twenty-two minutes.”

We waited. The old man wouldn’t talk to us and he didn’t want us to play the tape. He sat there sipping the whisky.

“This might kill me and I want to have my friends around. My pastor’s name is Jensen and if anything happens to me you get a hold of him there but I don’t think anything will happen to me. Just get a hold of him. I may die, gentlemen, I can’t take too much of this. It is the most shocking thing that ever happened to any man and I’m not going to see you or anybody else get in on it. You understand that it could kill me, gentlemen.”

We pretended that we knew what he was talking about, although neither one of us had the faintest idea, beyond the suspicion that the old man might have a heart condition and might actually collapse.

The office had estimated twenty-two minutes. It took eighteen minutes for the F.B.I. assistant to come in. He brought in one of these new, tight, clean little jobs, the kind of thing that I’d love to take home. You can pack it almost anywhere. And it comes out with concert quality.

The old man brightened when he saw that we meant business.

“Give me a set of headphones and just let me talk and pick it up. I’ll try to reproduce it. It won’t be my brother’s voice. It will be my voice you’re hearing. Do you follow me?”

We turned on the tape.

He dictated, with the headset on his head.

That’s when the message started. And that’s the thing I started with in the very beginning.

Funny funny funny. It’s sort of funny funny funny to think without a brain - it is really something like a trick but not a trick to think without a brain. Talking is even harder but it can be done.

Nels, this is Tice. I’m dead.

Nels, I don’t know whether I’m in Heaven or Hell, but I think it’s Hell, Nels. And I am going to play the biggest joke that anybody’s ever played. And it’s funny, I am an American Army officer and I am a dead one, and it doesn’t matter. Nels, don’t you see what it is? It doesn’t matter if you’re dead whether you’re American or Russian or an officer or not. And even laughter doesn’t matter.

But there’s enough left of me, Nels, enough of the old me so that perhaps for one last time I’ll have a laugh with you and the others.

I haven’t got a body to laugh with, Nels, and I haven’t got a mouth to laugh with and I haven’t got cheeks to smile with and there really isn’t any me. Tice Angerhehn is something different now, Nels. I’m dead.

I knew I was dead when I felt so different. It was more comfortable being dead, more relaxed. There wasn’t anything tight.

That’s the trouble, Nels, there isn’t anything tight. There isn’t anything around you. You can’t feel the world, you can’t see the world and yet you know all about it. You know all about everything.

It’s awfully lonely, Nels. There are some corners that aren’t lonely, some funny little corners in which you feel friendship and feel things creeping up.

Nels, it’s like kittens or the faces of children or the smell of the wind on a nice day. It’s any time that you turn away from yourself and you don’t think about yourself.

It’s the times when you don’t want something and you do want something.

It’s what you’re not resenting, what you’re not hating, what you’re not fearing and what you’re not jeering. That’s it, Nels, that’s the good part inside of death. And I suppose some people could call it Heaven. And I guess you get Heaven if you just get into the habit of having Heaven every day in your ordinary life. That’s what it is. Heaven is right there, Nels, in your ordinary life, every day, day by day, right around you.

But that’s not what I got. Oh, Nels, I am Tice Angerhehn all right, I am your brother and I’m dead. You can call where I am Hell since it’s everything I hated.

Nels, it smells of everything that I ever wanted. It smells the way the hay smelled when I had my old Willys roadster and I made the first girl I ever made that August evening. You can go ask her. She’s Mrs. Prai Jesselton now. She lives over on the East side of St. Paul. You never knew I made her and if you don’t think this is so, you can listen for yourself.

And you see, I am somewhere and I don’t know what kind of a where it is.

Nels, this is me, Tice Angerhelm, and I’m going to scream this out loud with what I’ve got instead of a mouth. I am going to scream it loud so that any human ear that hears it can put it on this silly, silly Soviet gadget and take it back. TAKE THIS MESSAGE TO NELSON ANGERHELM, 2322 RIDGE DRIVE, HOPKINS, MINNESOTA. And I’m going to repeat that a couple more times so that you’ll know that it’s your brother talking and I’m somewhere and it isn’t Heaven and it isn’t Hell and it isn’t even really out in space. I am in something different from space, Nels. It is just a somewhere with me in it and there isn’t anything but me. In with me here’s everything.

In with me there is everything I ever thought and everything I ever did and everything I ever wanted.

All the opposites are the same. Everything I hated and everything I loved, it’s all the same. Everything I feared and everything I yearned for - that’s the same. I tell you it’s all the same now and the punishment is just as bad if you want something and get it as if you want something and don’t get it.

The only thing that matters is those calm, nice moments in life when you don’t want anything, Nels. You aren’t anything. When you aren’t trying for anything and the world is just around you, and you get simple things like water on the skin, when you yourself feel innocent and you are not thinking about anything else.

That’s all there is to life, Nels. And I’m Tice and I’m telling you. And you know I’m dead, so I wouldn’t be telling you a lie.

And I especially wouldn’t be telling you on this Soviet cylinder, this Soviet gismo which will go back to them and bother them.

Nels, I hope it won’t bother you too much, if everybody knows about that girl. I hope the girl forgives me but the message has got to go back.

And yet that’s the message - everything I ever feared - I feared something in the war and you know what the war smells like. It smells sort of like a cheap slaughter house in July. It smells bad all around. There’s bits of things burning, the smell of rubber burning and the funny smell of gun powder. I was never in a big war with atomic stuff. Just the old sort of explosions. I’ve told you about it before and I was scared of that. And right in with that I can smell the perfume that girl had in the hotel there in Melbourne, the girl that I thought I might have wanted until she said something and then I said something and that was all there was between us. And I’m dead now.

And listen, Nels—

Listen, Nels, I am talking as though it were a trick. I don’t know how I know about the rest of us - the other ones that are dead like me. I never met one and I may never talk to one. I just have the feeling that they are here too. They can’t talk.

It’s not that they can’t talk, really.

They don’t even want to talk.

They don’t feel like talking. Talking is just a trick. It is a trick that somebody can pick up and I guess it takes a cheap, meaningless man, a man who lived his life in spite of Hell and is now in that Hell. That’s the kind of silly man it takes to remember the trick of talking. Like a trick with coins or a trick with cigarettes when nothing else matters.

So I am talking to you, Nels. And Nels, I suppose you’ll die the way I do. It doesn’t matter, Nels. It’s too late to change - that’s all.

Goodbye, Nels, you’re in pretty good shape. You’ve lived your life. You’ve had the wind in your hair. You’ve seen the good sunlight and you haven’t hated and feared and loved too much.

When the old man got through dictating it, the F.B.I. man and I asked him to do it again.

He refused.

We all stood up. We brought in the assistant.

The old man still refused to make a second dictation from the sounds out of which only he could hear a voice.

We could have taken him into custody and forced him but there didn’t seem to be much sense to it until we took the recording back to Washington and had this text appraised.

He said goodbye to us as we left his house.

“Perhaps I can do it once again maybe a year from now. But the trouble with me, gentlemen, is that I believe it. That was the voice of my brother, Tice Angerhelm, and he is dead. And you brought me something strange. I don’t know where you got a medium or spirit reader to record this on a tape and especially in such a way that you can’t hear it and I could. But I did hear it, gentlemen, and I think I told you pretty good what it was. And those words I used, they are not mine, they are my brother’s. So you go along, gentlemen, and do what you can with it and if you don’t want me to tell anybody that the U.S. government is working on mediums, I won’t.”

That was the farewell he gave us.

We closed the local office and hurried to the airport. We took the tape back with us but a duplicate was already being teletyped to Washington.

That’s the end of the story and that is the end of the joke. Potariskov got a copy and the Soviet Ambassador got a copy.

And Khrushchev probably wondered what sort of insane joke the Americans were playing on him. To use a medium or something weird along with subliminal perception in order to attack the U.S.S.R. for not believing in God and not believing in death. Did he figure it that way?

Here’s a case where I hope that Soviet espionage is very good. I hope that their spies are so fine that they know we’re baffled. I hope that they realize that we have come to a dead end, and whatever Tice Angerhelm did or somebody did in his name way out there in space recording into a Soviet Sputnik, we Americans had no hand in it.

If the Russians didn’t do it and we didn’t do it, who did do it?

I hope their spies find out.

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