Fall Guy
Fantastic Universe Science Fiction – November 1956
(1956)*
Eric Frank Russell

The Kasooma of Kasooma was a kingly guy—very kingly and very mad. Diplomatic relations had been severed for flimsier reasons than this barefaced breach of contract. The Kasooma of Kasooma was very very annoyed.

What embarrassing thing had Latimore promised his Exalted—but not too bright—Highness of Kasooma?

-

	The Kasooma of Kasooma stalked in with kingly mien and stately gait. His expression was that of one appalled by the perfidy of something or other. He was followed in single file by his umbrella-bearer, his senior secretary and his keeper of ancestral spirits. The spirits reposed in an earthenware pot which the keeper carried with a permanent air of awestruck reverence.

	Reaching the counter the Kasooma of Kasooma halted. So did the umbrella-bearer, the secretary; the keeper of ancestral spirits. The Kasooma of Kasooma raised a regal forefinger and spake unto Cassidy.

	"I wish to see the Earth Consul."

	Since Cassidy happened to be enjoying a lucid moment the desire would have been immediately clear to him had it been expressed in a familiar language. But the Kasooma of Kasooma came from a sister world whose speech was yet known only to a favored few.

	So Cassidy made pacifying gestures and bellowed toward the back office, "Hynd! Hynd!"

	"What is this word he shouts?" asked the Kasooma, glowering at his secretary.

	"I do not know it, sire/' confessed that worthy. "It appears to me that he is summoning somebody."

	Hynd arrived at that moment and Cassidy said to him hurriedly, "A deputation from Galapan by the looks of it. You know their jargon —you'd better handle them."

	Giving a nod of understanding, Hynd turned to the Kasooma and spoke in badly beaten-up but surviving Galapanese. "A thousand summers! What do you wish?"

	"To see the Earth Consul," repeated the Kasooma of Kasooma, with considerable firmness.

	"Have you an appointment?"

	"An appointment? I am the Kasooma! I do not need an appointment. What nonsense is this? Why should I have an appointment?"

	"It is the normal procedure," informed Hynd, making it mild and soothing. "The Consul is a very busy man."

	"You mean the Consul will not see me?" The Kasooma's yellow eyes sparked, the scaly, reptilian skin of his face grew taut.

	"Most certainly he will see you," Hynd assured. "But without an appointment we are forced to subject you to the discourtesy of a small delay."

	"Tell him that the Kasooma is here, in person," firmly ordered the Kasooma. "That will be sufficient."

	"I will go to him at once," Hynd promised.

	"What's all the gab about?" interjected Cassidy, baffled.

	"They want to hock the umbrella," Hynd told him, and bolted down the corridor.

	"Zat so?" Cassidy bleared at the umbrella which was nine feet in diameter and had a fringe of crimson tassels all around its rim.

-

	Wilmot Masterson, the Earth Consul, grunted heavily. "The Kasooma controls a third of Galapan. His brother bosses another third. His two uncles share government of the remainder. We can't afford to rile that bunch. Bring him here immediately."

	"Right, sir!" agreed Hynd.

	He went out, returned in short time with the visitors. The procession did not get into the room for the reason that the umbrella stuck in the doorway. Its bearer went pale, backed off into the passage, tried to wangle it through sidewise. It wouldn't go. He got quite desperate about it and still it wouldn't go. Finally he gave up and looked at the Kasooma with apologetic despair.

	"Tell them to leave the lousy thing in the corridor," Masterson ordered Hynd.

	"The Consul suggests you leave it in the corridor," Hynd said to the Kasooma.

	"I cannot talk without it," declared the Kasooma in the manner of one mentioning the obvious to a retarded child.

	"He cannot talk without it," Hynd told Masterson.

	"Why can't he?" demanded

	Masterson, successfully struggling to conceal his exasperation.

	"Why can't you?" repeated Hynd, who didn't give a damn one way or the other.

	"Because," said the Kasooma, loftily, "it is the speech-umbrella."

	"He says it's the speech-umbrella," Hynd informed Masterson.

	"Oh, hell!" said Masterson, with undiplomatic emphasis. "Why can't they close it, bring it in here and open it again?"

	The Kasooma viewed this suggestion as a positive touch of genius and further proof of the Earthman's never-ending adaptability. The umbrella was closed, brought in, opened, and poised ceremoniously above its owner's head.

	Thus prepared, the Kasooma fixed injured attention upon Master-son and gave forth. "I have made an agreement. I demand that it be honored."

	With Hynd functioning as interpreter, Masterson asked, "You mean that you have a complaint to the effect that a contract has been broken?"

	"That is correct," the Kasooma said in aggrieved tones. "Repeatedly it has been poured into my ears that all agreements made with Earthmen will be kept to the letter. It has been said times without number that, if necessary, the Earth Government will not hesitate to intervene and compel justice to be done."

	"Justice will be done," asserted Masterson, frowning. "You can depend upon that." He paused, added for good measure, "Absolutely!"

	"I am gratified to hear you say so," commented the Kasooma, as though he'd been nursing serious doubts about the matter.

	"Earth's dealings with other peoples," assured Masterson, ponderously, "are invariably founded upon strict justice. And justice will always be given no matter what the cost."

	"Good!" said the Kasooma, smacking his lips.

	"Now," Masterson went on, "it is necessary for me to know in detail the nature of your complaint, the manner in which you have suffered injustice. With whom did you make this agreement?"

	"With an Earthman named Latimer."

	"Latimer?" echoed Masterson, his eyebrows waggling. He let go a deep sigh, said in English to Hynd, "Go on, get him to tell us the worst. Whatever Latimer has pulled on him is sure to be a stinker."

-

	The Kasooma said, "This Latimer found outside my palace grounds a quantity of colorless stones. He asked permission to dig up more of them for a period of twelve Earth-months." He turned to his secretary. "What did he call these stones?"

	"Diamonds," said the secretary. 

	"Diamonds," repeated the Kasooma.

	Masterson breathed heavily. "So that's where illicit supplies have been coming from. Wait until I tell Gem Control about this!"

	"I gave permission," continued the Kasooma, "and I provided Latimer with two hundred workers to help him dig. They have exhumed these stones called diamonds for twelve months. Now Latimer has disappeared. He has failed to keep his side of the bargain. Therefore the Earth Government must, make it good."

	"The contract will be honored," promised Masterson, pulling a face. "But it will take a little time."

	"Why?"

	"We must trace Latimer, seize his loot and have it valued before we can pay you whatever percentage he promised. How much did he agree to give you?"

	"How much?" The Kasooma registered deep distaste. "There was no question of how much. I have no use for worthless rocks. I have no use for money, either."

	"Well, what did he promise you in exchange for what he dug up?" inquired Masterson, making a guess at the Brooklyn Bridge.

	"A female," said the Kasooma, smacking his lips again. "A female of Earth."

	"Verily," confirmed the Kasooma. "I saw one once," he continued with indecent gusto, "and she had soft, pink skin, blue eyes, golden hair. I desire such a one for my harem. I should have one!"

	"But she would be of quite a different species," Masterson protested.

	"That," said the Kasooma, leering at him, "makes it so much the more interesting."

	Masterson took on a faint shade of purple, said to Hynd, "If Latimer has contracted to ship him a floozie he's over-stepped the mark for once. Transporting a woman for an immoral purpose can get him a life sentence."

	"Latimer's too smart to be caught that way," Hynd pointed out. "He hasn't actually transported anyone. He's merely promised to do so."

	"Either way he's in trouble, serious trouble. If he ships an Earth-woman to an alien species he'll be stuck in the jug for life. If he doesn't, he's liable to ten years' imprisonment for failing to fulfill a contract with an alien lifeform. It's not like Latimer to get himself into such a jam. So far he's been too slippery to catch. Goes to show that all his type ride to a fall sooner or later."

	"This female," interjected the Kasooma impatiently. "Latimer said it would take her twelve months to reach Galapan from Earth. The twelve months have passed. I have received no female.

	I demand that she be supplied without further delay."

	Masterson sought frantically around for an escape, found it, hit back good and hard. "I regret that it cannot be done."

	"Why can it not?" Then the Kasooma's eyes blazed while his followers edged away nervously. "Is this Earth justice?"

	"A verbal contract," explained Masterson, hiding a smirk, "is worthless in law. To have any value it must be written and signed."

	"The contract is written and signed."

	Masterson's expression became cunning. "In the contract the subjects of mutual advantage must be defined. What that means is that the location of the diamond-field must be given and the woman must be named."

	"The field is defined and the woman is named."

	Going grim, Masterson said, "May I see it?"

	The secretary produced a sheet of grubby paper, gave it to the Kasooma who handed it to Masterson with the air of settling the issue once and for all. Masterson took it, peered at the clumsy scrawl.

	Agreed this day between Jeff Latimer and the Kasooma of Kasooma: that the said Jeff Latimer shall have the right to scram with all the diamonds he can grab in twelve months from the field immediately east of the royal palace in exchange for Sweet Fanny Adams.

	"Well," urged the Kasooma, wetting his lips, "do I or do I not get this Earth-female?"

	It took five hours to explain.

	The umbrella broke a rib going out.

The End