Corona Centurion(TM) FAQ 

by Terry Bisson

 

Mr. Bisson, a master of the short-short story, offers up a provocative new one this month. 
Over at www.terrybisson.com , the news concerning Terry Bisson includes recent story publications in PostScripts #15 and online at www.tor.co, movie developments for an adaptation of “Necronauts,” and word that Planet of Mystery (which first appeared in our Jan-Feb. 2006 issues) will soon be published in book form.

 

Q: Will I feel different?

 

A: Isn’t that the whole point? You will feel better immediately: more energetic, and steadier, since the crude, often irregular pulses of your original “pumper” will be replaced with a constant velocity circulatory stream.

 

Q: Will I still have “ups and downs?”

 

A: Of course. But without the distracting surges associated with excitable muscle fiber. The glandular/chemical moods that folklore attributes to the “heart” are fully accessible, but more controllable. Think serenity.

 

Q: How long will it last?

 

A: A lifetime. As the name implies, the Corona Centurion™ rotary heart is designed (and guaranteed!) to last for a hundred years. It will easily survive the more primitive organs that it reliably services.

 

Q: What if I have to replace the power supply? Will it require another operation?

 

A: Say good-bye to painful surgery. The Corona Centurion’s™ long-lasting lithium nanocell is located “outboard” in the wrist. Replacement is a simple outpatient procedure, once a decade or so.

 

Q: Will I have trouble sleeping? Staying awake?

 

A: Not likely. The occasional problems associated with the earlier prototypes have been corrected. The body’s natural photoelectrics easily compensate for the absent archaic “ticker.”

 

Q; Some speak of an altered sense of Time...?

 

A: Only for the better. The removal of the pulse is compared by many to a retrofit from an analog to a digital clock. Most find that they are more patient.

 

Q: Do I have to use Synth™? Can’t I keep my own blood?

 

A: Why would you want to? It’s just sea water. Synth™, especially developed for and with the Corona Centurion™, flows better and carries more oxygen and nutrients. And the nanorganic bearings in the Centurion’s rotor require its use. Accept no substitutes.

 

Q: What about diseases?

 

A: It’s time to retire those white blood cells. The immunity additives in Synth™ make “blood-borne” maladies a thing of the past, while its detergents neutralize internal toxins and wastes.

 

Q: Are there different Synth™ types?

 

A: Please! Blood “types” are a vestige of evolutionary trial and error; mainly error. Synth™ is compatible with every lymphatic configuration.

 

Q: Must it be so blue?

 

A: That’s for your own safety. In the unlikely event of an accident, it alerts medical personnel that your circulatory system has been upgraded.

 

Q: Is there a danger of violence?

 

A: Relax. While it is true that Corona’s technology was originally developed for military purposes, the Centurion’s controlled flow rate is fully indexed to the exigencies of civilian life.

 

Q: How long does Synth™ last?

 

A: Synth’s™ plasma base doesn’t degrade under normal operation. Full efficiency of its special additives, however, requires its replacement every six months, in a painless and inexpensive outpatient procedure. Think of it as a simple five-liter oil change.

 

Q: What about “the chill?”

 

A: While some say chill, most say “cool!” Among its many advantages, Synth™ is far better at cooling the body than blood. You will quickly adjust to your new body temperature of 91.6 degrees. We have found that air conditioning costs at our Phoenix home office have been reduced by forty-four percent!

 

Q: What about music? Dancing?

 

A: Grab your partner! The ballroom floor will seem smoother than ever. Traditional musicians who insist on the “thump” of the old pumper can find aftermarket add-ons.

 

Q: Will I still have normal human emotions?

 

A: Of course. You will find that they are steadier and more predictable, as they no longer vary with “blood pressure.” It’s true that you will no longer laugh, or weep, but most people consider this an advantage in both their professional and personal lives.

 

Q: What about love?

 

A: Ah, the big question! Not to worry. Be prepared to enjoy romantic attachments that are more constant and more satisfying than ever. Independent laboratory tests have proven the supposed sexual side effects to be mostly frivolous or exaggerated.

 

And now can we ask you a question? Why wait for your heart to weaken, to falter or even to stop? Why depend on a stop-and-start evolutionary “kludge” when you can upgrade to reliable steady-stream circulation? Ask your doctor about the Corona Centurion™ today! Coronary care patients may be covered under Medicare, and trade-in discounts may be available, subject to transplant market protocols.

 

 

 

 
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