Tarius had just finished making love to Jena as she had never made love to her before. Jena was completely sated, and she lay in Tarius's arms blissfully exhausted.
As long as I can keep this up, she's never going to want anything else. Tarius closed her eyes and was almost asleep.
"I can't wait till you're healed and I can please you as you please me," Jena said.
Tarius sighed deeply as her heart broke. "Jena . . . Can't you please believe me? You do please me. I'm happy with you. Just like this. I don't need any more."
Jena shifted in her arms to face her, although it was too dark for her to see Tarius's face. But Tarius could see hers by shifting only her eyes. There was such love there and such desperation as she spoke so softly Tarius could barely hear her.
"But I want to give you more, Tarius. I want to make you scream out with desire the way you do me. I want to be mother to your sons," Jena said.
Tarius held her tightly and choked on a ball of tears she fought to keep down. She couldn't keep this farce up. Eventually her house of cards was going to come tumbling down.
* * *
Tarius didn't rest long. A week after she got home she started to train the new group of recruits. They were the last of the quickly chosen, quickly trained, and they needed a lot of sword training.
Tragon had been the primary trainer, and it had made him feel important. With Tarius and Arvon back from the war, he was now forced to train the boys with even less skill than he'd had when he was in academy. They had just finished the lessons for the day, and Arvon and Tarius were sparing. Tragon watched them. Both Tarius and Arvon had gotten better in the war. Arvon had gotten much better, but of course Tarius could still whip him.
"You there, boy," Tarius called out to the young orphan they had found to replace Harris as the step-and-fetch'em boy. He was young, hardly twelve. "What's your name?"
"Frederick."
"Well, Frederick, run up to Sir Darian's house and fetch my wife and my good friend Harris and bring them back here."
"Aye, sir."
"When you get back I'll give you a copper," Tarius promised. The boy dropped the bucket he'd been carrying and ran out the door like he'd been shot from a crossbow.
Tarius and Arvon sat down on a bench to rest, and Tragon limped over to join them. "So, what are you two up to?"
"You might as well know, we've made a clearing in the woods and we go there to fight. Want to go with us?" Tarius asked.
Tragon shook his head. He didn't ever want to go back there, not to that place of great embarrassment for him. Besides, he tried to steer clear of Jena these days. She didn't want him around her, and if he made Jena unhappy or uncomfortable there was a very real possibility that she'd tell Tarius what he had done. Armed with that knowledge, Tarius would have all the excuses she needed to kill him. Tarius was not a person who liked lose ends, who liked to leave her fate in anyone else's hands, and Tragon imagined that she daily considered killing him just because it would be so much cleaner. He was only alive because of her code of honor, and if she knew what he'd tried to do to Jena . . . well, that same code would allow her to kill him without blinking an eye.
"Think I'll stick with sparing partners I can beat," Tragon said with a laugh.
Frederick ran in with Jena and Harris, and Tarius gave the boy a copper as promised. Tragon made a face. No doubt Tarius would get this water boy knighted like she had "his good friend Harris."
He looked at Jena, and she glared knives back at him. She was hardheaded like her father, and she had already made up her mind to never forgive him.
If Tragon had any honor or pride left, he'd pack up and head for home. But at home his father would view him as a worthless cripple. If Tragon dropped his masquerade, his father would see him for the coward that he was. So there was no winning, at least not until his father died.
Tragon couldn't help it. He had seen war up close and personal, and he just couldn't handle it. He couldn't. If he had gone back to the front, then more likely than not he would have gotten killed.
He'd had such plans for advancement. Now he'd be lucky if they kept him on here at the school as an instructor. Everything that he wanted Tarius had, including courage and skill.
He watched them go. It was like a club he had belonged to and didn't anymore. He had no one to blame but himself, but that didn't stop him from being resentful.
* * *
Tarius and Jena were sparring.
"That's the kind of woman I want," Harris said, speaking of Jena.
Arvon laughed and shook his head. "Think they broke the mold."
"Tarius says there are lots of Kartik women like Jena," Harris said. "When Tarius and Jena go to Kartik, I'm going with them."
"They're going to Kartik? I didn't know the decision had been made," Arvon said curiously.
Harris nodded vigorously. "Tarius has made up his mind." Harris smiled. "I'm not sure he's told Jena yet."
Arvon frowned. Tarius hadn't told him anything about it because she knew how he felt about the whole thing. Tarius called Harris in to fight Jena, and she went to join Arvon, wiping her face on her white shirtsleeve and leaving a long trail of dirt.
"So, young Harris tells me you two are hijacking Jena, taking her to Kartik whether she likes it or not," Arvon said in a disapproving voice.
Tarius glared at Harris. "The big mouth."
"It's true then?" Arvon said in disbelief.
"I've tried to tell Jena the truth a dozen times, but . . . well, something always happens. I tried to talk to her about going to Kartik, but she said all this stuff about me being kingdom warlord, and how disgraced Darian would be. I don't understand any of it, and I don't care. It's the only chance we have. When winter is over, we'll ride out for the coast, and . . ."
"Tell her now, Tarius. You aren't being fair to her, or to Darian for that matter . . ."
"And do what, Arvon? Even if she doesn't reject me outright. Even if she accepts and embraces me. What then? Pretend to be a man the rest of my life? Or tell everyone I'm a woman and be burned as a heretic? I want to go home. Back to Kartik where I can be who I am. Where women are treated as equals, and the Katabull are esteemed not shunned."
"Where you can trap Jena and make her accept your love," Arvon said. "It's not right."
"I don't care about right, Arvon. I love Jena, and I can't lose her. I won't," Tarius said.
"If you continue to lie to her, you will lose her," Arvon promised.
"I suppose you've told Dustan you're Katabull then," Tarius said accusingly.
"Not in so many words, but he knows. By the way, you might have told me that drinking can bring on the change."
"Can?" Tarius laughed. "If I drink even a drop I change. The Katabull have no resistance to alcohol. You must have some because you are half human. You were safe as long as you didn't know how to change . . . So he knows, and he doesn't care?"
"He knows, and he doesn't care," Arvon answered truthfully. "Neither would she. How can you love her so much, and yet trust her so little?"
"I'll trust her in Kartik," Tarius assured him.
"What if she won't go?" Arvon asked.
"Oh, she'll go, and if you're smart, you'll take your mate and go with us. You don't want to be here when the Amalites once again take hold of the land," Tarius said.
"And that's the argument you'll use to convince her?" Arvon shook his head disapprovingly.
"Especially when she is with child," Tarius said carefully.
Arvon started to laugh. "Well, you may be good, my friend, but we both know that's not going to happen."
Tarius looked up at him with appealing eyes. It only took Arvon a second to realize what she was suggesting. "Oh, nooo! Not me, my friend. I'll not help you in your farce. I'll not help you fool that naive young woman even if I could . . . and I'm not sure I could."
"Arvon, you said yourself you owe me a debt you can never pay . . ."
"But I don't owe you a child, Tarius. Any more than I owe you a wonderful lie when the truth hurts you too much. I won't do it. Guilt me all you want. Talk till you're blue in the face. If you'll tell her the truth and she still wants you, wants a child, then I'll see if I can do it. If you're smart, you won't carry out this fool's plan of yours. Love can't live with all these lies."
"Arvon, please! I beg you. She grows more and more impatient with me. Now she wants me to enlist the king's surgeon and Hellibolt to try and cure my problem," Tarius said.
"Tell the truth, Tarius."
"I can't, not here . . . She wants it Arvon, you said she would and she does. She needs it and I can't give it to her." Tarius looked away from him then watching Jena.
"And what of your needs, Tarius?" Arvon asked gently.
"I'm an adult, Arvon, a Kartik woman. I know how to satisfy my own needs."
"Aye, but you are an adult Kartik woman and one who's had many lovers I imagine. You and I both know touching yourself isn't the same as being touched, my sister."
"No," Tarius sighed, "but she doesn't want me."
"You don't know that. You haven't given her a chance to reject you, I don't think that she would. And if she really doesn't want you, do you really think that will change just because she's in a foreign land? Tell this woman you say you love the truth, the whole truth, before it's too late." Arvon got to his feet, pointing a finger at her. "Do not pursue this baby thing. It's wrong, and you know in your heart that it's wrong." He walked away.
Tarius sighed. "It's easy for him to make rational judgments. He's got nothing on the line." She watched Jena and Harris fight. Jena got better daily. I want you to be with me always. I know what I am doing is wrong. I know you may hate me for it, but what can I do? I can't lose you, but Arvon was my only hope! What do I do now? What now?
Tragon walked into the field then, and Tarius looked at him and smiled. Here might very well be the answer to her prayers. After all Tragon loved Jena, or at the very least thought that he did. He would treat her gently and with love, and she'd have no trouble whatsoever talking him into it.
"Tarius, the king's herald is at the gates. You're being summoned before the king on business," Tragon said.
"What business is that?" Tarius asked.
"Oh, I don't know. You are kingdom warlord. I would imagine it has something to do with defense," Tragon said making a face.
Tarius laughed. She walked over to Jena, who had stopped fighting, and kissed her gently on the lips. "I'll be back as soon as I can."
Jena nodded and kissed Tarius again just for good measure.
Tarius walked up alongside Tragon and slapped his shoulder. "Come along with me, my brother."
Tragon nodded eagerly.
They rode along at a slower than normal pace, considering Tarius had been summoned before the king.
"You want to tell me why I'm coming along?" Tragon asked.
"I have a favor to ask of you." Tarius explained her plan to Tragon.
Tragon saw only one problem with Tarius's plan.
"She'll know I'm not you. She'll know," Tragon said. God! How he wanted to hold her, to touch her, to make love to her.
"No she won't. Hellibolt is a friend of mine. I'll bet the old charlatan has a glamour spell he could use on you. She'd have no idea. You'd be happy, she'd be happy . . ."
"What about you?" Tragon asked.
"Truthfully? The thought of anyone but me touching her sickens me, but I can't make her happy. I've tried and I can't. I want her to be happy."
* * *
"I don't want you to think that I have dismissed what you said about the Amalites, Tarius," Persius said. "I want to know what you think we could do to thwart such an attempt if one is made. What would be most likely to make the Amalites afraid to try another attack in the first place?"
Tarius looked at the map. "Put fully-manned, fully-armed garrisons here, here, here and here, with a large one here at the field of the Battle of the Arrow. It won't stop them, but it will help. It will give you a better position from which to fight them. Also continue with the training of every man, and if I had my way woman, in this kingdom. So that the villages have their own defense. No man in this country should walk through the streets without a weapon at his side. Ever ready, ever vigilant."
"Women fighting is absurd, you Kartik bastard." The king patted Tarius on the back in a fond manner. "The rest shall be done as you have spoken. Where will we get the men to run these garrisons?" the king asked.
Tarius thought for only a moment. "Each village will give several men each month. Those men will serve at the garrison closest to his village for a full month. While they are there, a Swordmaster will train the men in all manners of war. Then they will go home and more will come. In this way you will train all your men and keep your garrisons full of fresh men."
Persius shook his head. "Indeed, good Tarius, your wisdom never ceases to amaze me. Won't you reconsider a position as my personal body guard?"
"I prefer to teach and to stay with my wife," Tarius said.
Persius nodded.
"In fact, I need to get home now," Tarius said.
"Then go and thank you for your good council."
Tarius and Tragon left the king and went down a dark hall towards the old wizard's alchemy.
"So, what is it you want now?" Hellibolt asked from behind Tarius.
Tarius and Tragon jumped and turned around. "Damn it, Hellibolt," Tarius cursed. "One day you'll do that, and I'll cut you through before I get a chance to see it's you."
Hellibolt shrugged. "So what is it you need?"
"A glamour spell," Tarius said.
"Oh, now how did I know that was coming?" Hellibolt said. "So is it for you or him?"
"Would it work on me? Could you make me . . ."
"Look like it? Yes. Work like it? No," Hellibolt said.
"For him, then. So that he looks like me," Tarius said.
"You dig yourself in deeper, Tarius," Hellibolt said disapprovingly.
"What else can I do?" Tarius asked pleadingly. If Hellibolt could give her any other answers she wanted to hear them.
Hellibolt seemed to think about it a long time then shrugged. "Nothing comes to mind."
They followed him into his room. It was not nearly creepy enough to be a wizard's alchemy. Tarius was a bit disappointed. No creepy spiders or snakes or rats in cages. No cobwebs or shrunken heads in bottles. Hellibolt walked over and took a bottle down from a shelf on the wall. He handed the bottle to Tarius, but spoke to Tragon.
"It's a simple spell. Just take one swallow of the potion and repeat this magic incantation. 'Little bottle of brown goo, make me look like you know who.' Think of Tarius, and you'll look like her . . . At least your face will. However, it only lasts a half an hour, and if you take more you'll get very sick. Also when that bottle's gone, that's it. This shit is poison, and too much of it over a period of time can kill you. Besides, it tastes like crap."
Tragon looked at the potion and made a face. "What's in it?" he asked.
Hellibolt laughed. "Believe me, you don't want to know."
* * *
It was late, and Jena had gone to bed with a book to wait for Tarius. Tarius came in and took the book out of her hands. He turned the lights off, and then he took her clothes off. He started making love to her, and Jena groaned with delight.
When Tarius was sure Jena was satisfied she stood up and looked down at Jena. In the moonlight that streamed in the curtain she could see her without having to change her eyes. This was it, the ultimate betrayal. She was going to put a man into their bed with Jena. She was going to give Jena what Jena said she wanted. She hated herself for what she was about to do, and in that moment she hated Jena for making her do it.
"Give me a second," Tarius kissed Jena gently on the mouth, and then she walked into the next room. She stood there silently for a moment. They had three rooms of their own in the house. This one was a sitting room. Tarius walked over and opened the window and Tragon climbed in. He put the potion to his lips and drank, then he recited the incantation. In moments Tarius was looking at herself. He started to go into her bedroom, and Tarius grabbed him by the front of the shirt that was the same as hers.
"Don't hurt her."
"I won't," Tragon promised and he meant it. This wouldn't be like in the field. Jena would think she was with her great love. She would give him what he longed for. He walked in the door and Tarius went out the window.
* * *
She ran into the night with tears streaming down her face. She ran blind until she fell over something, and then she lay on the ground and sobbed. She had thought nothing could hurt her any more. She had thought she had felt all degrees of pain, but nothing had prepared her for this. She cried as long as she dared indulge herself, and then she got up and wandered back towards the house. Tragon crawled out the window.
"Is she all right?" Tarius demanded.
"She seems more than all right," Tragon said. Tarius fought the urge to slap the stupid grin off his face. After all, he was doing her a favor.
Tarius paced the sitting room before walking into the bedroom. She hesitated, then crawled into bed with Jena. Jena was silent. Tarius kissed her gently on the cheek.
"Are you all right?" Tarius asked gently. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"
Jena turned to face her and she smiled. "Not at all, you were very gentle." She smiled a reassuring smile. "What about you? I thought you were going to scream your lungs out!" Jena laughed.
Tarius was seared through with the pain of it. "I love you, Jena," she said softly. "You'll never know how much."
* * *
Jena rolled back over. She was confused. She had begged for it, fantasized for so long about what it was like, and . . . well she'd hated it. She felt bad about lying to Tarius, but how could she tell her dear, sweet husband that she hadn't liked it? That it had felt invasive to her and made her uncomfortable with herself and with him.
She'd get used to it. It just took time, that was all, and he had been so careful with her. He had fulfilled her desires hundreds of times, and if that's what it took to fulfill his, then she would work on liking it.
* * *
There were only four doses in the bottle, and to make sure they had the best chance at pregnancy, they spaced the doses a week apart.
Tragon knew this was the last time he was ever going to be with her, and he couldn't stand the idea. He had to make it count, so he unleashed his passion on her. He wanted to make her scream and groan the way he heard her do when he was waiting outside the window for Tarius to change places with him. He almost waited too long, he was just changing back into himself as he stepped out the window.
He looked at Tarius, smiled and said. "If that doesn't do it, I'll take my chances with that potion again."
"Get out of my face," Tarius hissed and she shoved him hard. She watched him walk away then she crawled in the window, shut and locked it.
She walked slowly to the door. It was over. Hopefully Jena was pregnant, but even if she wasn't, Tarius decided she could not do this to herself again. Either way she'd made up her mind, Jena would just have to do without it. She would move Jena to the Kartik, and in time Jena would learn to love her, if she could ever forgive her. She walked in the room closing the door behind her and went and crawled into bed. She wrapped herself around Jena, and Jena cringed. She realized Jena was crying, and not just a little.
"Honey . . . What's wrong?" Tarius asked.
"Tarius . . . You hurt me."
"I what?" Tarius exclaimed.
"You hurt me," Jena said again.
Tarius's first instinct was to get out of bed find Tragon and kill him, but she realized that wouldn't help Jena now. Right now Jena was hurt and scared and she thought Tarius had done this to her.
"I'm so sorry," Tarius said. "I won't do it again. See? That's why I didn't want to do it. Men are like animals when they get aroused. I don't need it, Jena, and I'll never do it again." In fact, if Jena wasn't so upset Tarius might have celebrated the fact that Jena didn't want it.
"I'm sorry, Tarius," Jena cried.
"What are you sorry for? I'm the worst sort of brute, and you would be right to hate me. I hate myself. I never wanted to make you cry." Tarius started to cry herself. "I told you, Jena, remember in the beginning? I told you I had secrets. Secrets I couldn't tell you. That I'm dark and awful."
Jena turned and held Tarius close. "No you're not. It's me. There's something wrong with me. I tried, but I just don't like it."
Tarius kissed the tears away from Jena's cheeks. "There is nothing wrong with you, my love. Only me, only me. I'm what's wrong. Now sleep."
* * *
Tragon was still riding high from the night before. He was setting up the arena for the day's exercises. He was early today. He hadn't slept much. He had laid awake most of the night wondering just how toxic the potion was and whether Hellibolt would give it to him without Tarius.
Tarius ran into the arena, screamed and threw herself on him. She tackled him to the ground and started to beat his face in with her fists. "I ought to kill you! You bastard!"
When Tragon looked at his attacker, the Katabull's eyes looked back at him. Tragon tried to fight back, but finally wound up just holding up his arms to protect his head. "What . . . What did I do?"
"You hurt her!" Tarius stood up and pulled Tragon to his feet. She punched him hard in the stomach, and then slammed a fist into his face so that he landed on the ground in a pile. She looked down at him with utter contempt. "You hurt her, and she thinks that I did it."
"I'm . . . I'm sorry, Tarius. I didn't mean to. Please believe me, Tarius, my passion for her got the better of me," Tragon said gulping for air.
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Tarius moved forward to attack him again but stopped as if he just wasn't worth the trouble. "You rutting pig. I saved your worthless life, I asked you to do a favor for me, and you just couldn't control yourself. I wish I'd run off and let you die that day. I'm only going to let you live because of our former partnership, what we once meant to each other, and the fact that you tried to help me. But if you ever go near her, or even look at her again, I will rip your belly open and suck your guts out with my teeth. Do I make myself clear?"
"Very," Tragon said. He watched Tarius go, feeling lucky to be alive and wanting very much to find a way to get rid of the beast girl once and for all.
* * *
"Want to tell me what that was all about, or need I ask?" Arvon asked as he fell in behind Tarius who was walking at a fast clip across the courtyard. Tarius glared at him. "So you got Tragon to do the deed and then beat him for his troubles."
"He hurt her," Tarius said in a whisper.
"You hurt her, Tarius. You did it with your lies."
"I know that! Don't you think I know that!" Tarius cried. "I hate myself. I hate what I have become. She hated it! But of course she was afraid to tell me because she didn't want to make me mad. I swear if I live to be a hundred, I will never understand your country women and their subjectivity to men."
"Did it ever dawn on you that maybe Jena didn't like it because she doesn't like boys?" Arvon asked.
"She said she wanted it, Arvon. She kept begging me for it," Tarius said. "I couldn't do it, so I found someone who could—which practically killed me!—and she hated it! I don't know what I think anymore."
"Jena's naive about sex. She doesn't know what she wants. She wants to please you because she loves you," Arvon said.
"Or she knew. Part of her knew that she was being tricked. That something wasn't right," Tarius said. "I just hope she's pregnant."
"Oh, don't even tell me that you are still bent on your insane plan to rip your wife from her homeland by making her believe the country is unsafe for children!" Arvon gasped in disbelief.
"The land is not safe. You know that as well as I do," Tarius said. "Whether she's pregnant or not I will not stay in this accursed country another year, and I will not leave without Jena."
Arvon shook his head. He stopped and made her stop as well by putting a hand on her shoulder. "My dear friend. I tell you this from the love that I have for you. You are destroying no one as fast as you are destroying yourself. Tell this woman who you are, then she'll understand why you want so badly to go away. If she loves you as much as I think she does, she will forgive you even for putting a man in her bed . . . eventually. You are heading for a disaster that no one can stop."
"Now you sound like Hellibolt," Tarius said.
"Perhaps you had better heed his words."