Dragon Chili

This recipe is in response to the one I posted here on Share Your Recipes a week ago that proved to be more popular than I expected. I have been asked by so many readers to post another, and as I am not immune to flattery or persuasion-even mild persuasion-I am back with culinary enthusiasm and this time out I would like to post my recipe for dragon chili.

I know dragons are not normally thought of as an ingredient in chili, but trust me, they are an excellent source of protein, are low in fat, and the meat is very clean and low caloric and it does not taste like chicken or the more popular chili meat.

Dragon meat has gotten a bad reputation due to a misunderstanding about dragons. First off, for the meat to be good, and for it to work in my chili recipe, it is necessary that you acquire a very young dragon. The younger, the meat the sweeter.

You should also avoid the green dragons, as there is nothing you can do at any time or any age to make that meat serviceable. The brown dragons are the best. At an early age, when they are no more than three feet long, they are perfect. Their eyes are just open (which is a sign the toxins in the blood have passed, which is the way of brown dragons), and the meat, especially in the tail, is ready to be harvested. The head meat, though darker, is also tasty, and is best made into ground patties. The body meat is fine as well, but riddled with bones, so extreme care should be taken, lest you get one of the small bones that litter the dragon's torso and appear to accomplish nothing towards locomotion or the firmness of the body and are extraordinarily hard to detect during a simple cleaning.

Also, the hearts (remember browns have two hearts instead of one like green dragons, and like both kinds of dragons, they are large and eight chambered) and the fatty livers are delicacies and require a different approach to preparation than I am going to provide here, and some people suggest that for them to be enjoyed one has to persevere, as they are something of an acquired taste.

For chili, we are going to consider the head meat and the tail meat. I prefer the tail meat, as I like my chili meat to be sliced and then chopped, as opposed to ground. And once again, the white meat of a dragon tail is so vastly superior to the darker meat of the head.

It is also necessary to prepare the dragon alive. Dragons, the moment they die, begin to go bad. This is true of all meat, but with the dragon it is a much faster process than with any other meat known. Within a few hours, unless cooked, the meat becomes foul.

If the meat is cut from the dragon quickly, and deep fried, or in the case of other kinds of recipes, boiled or baked, etc., for whatever reason, the meat ceases to spoil and retains its sweetness, and will keep permanently, though other ingredients in your recipe can go bad and make the meat inedible.

The way to prepare the meat is to, well, catch the dragon, of course. You should do this with a net. They can often be found shortly after birth when the mother dragon is away, searching out cattle or other foods it digests and then regurgitates into the baby dragons' mouths. At this early age, if you watch and make sure the mother is away, the dragons are fairly harmless and the net is the best way to capture them. The net should be of strong wire. The dragon's ability to breathe fire does not kick in until the creature reaches the age of a year or so, but even at an early age their tail can thrash violently and they have more than a passing semblance to adult claws. Even the beating of their little wings can cut you like a knife.

When the dragon has been captured, it is desirable to calm it for a couple of days. After a day or two of calming the dragon down, it should be placed on a diet of fresh milk and soft vegetables for about a week. Then it can be stroked. Once its confidence is gained, it should be removed gently from the holding pen. Do not excite the dragon, as its claws and tail and wings could be dangerous. I know I have mentioned this, and I don't mean to overemphasize it, but it is an important thing to consider.

Keep the beast calm. This isn't hard to do as the dragon is by nature trusting. The best way to prepare the dragon is to lay it length-wise on a sturdy board as wide and as long as the dragon. A neat trick to help with the preparation is to coat the board with vegetable oil. Dragons will be attracted to this and will begin to lick it. Very carefully place a long spike at the back of the dragon's head, where the neck joins, and with a well timed and well placed strike with a hammer, drive the nail through the dragon's spine and into the board.

It is advisable to slip a rope over the tail of the dragon before this strike, and to gently pull it taut while it is preoccupied with licking the board. The strike, if properly performed, should sever the dragon's spine, and its ability to thrash its tail. The sounds it makes will be excruciating, and it will be tempting to put the dragon out of its misery quickly, but this will ruin the meat.

The thing to do is to whack off the tail at the base, saving that bit of meat from contamination should your nail be slightly off the spine. The head meat does not contaminate as long as the animal is alive, so it is best to use a sharp and sturdy blade and pliers to slowly strip the skin from the head before cutting into the bone with an electric bone saw, and then into the brain. I should also add that wiring the wings together carefully before binding the tail gently and striking the dragon with the nail or spike is advisable. As I said, the wings can be as dangerous as the teeth or the tail.

But, I was saying about the stripping of the meat. Only at this point, should the animal be allowed to die. They are sturdy and can withstand having their skin removed. You can just let them bleed out, or you can finish them with a few strokes of your mallet. I find wielding a mallet a messy endeavor, and generally just let them bleed and die.

Let us return our attentions to the recipe. We now have the tail, and the head meat. It is suggested that if dragons are not available, that the meat of small children is equally satisfying and tasty, and they are much easier to handle. With the large number of children being born, due to restrictions in the laws, and those that are being placed in orphanages, this is a perfect way to take care of them, and there are some butcher shops that specialize in children already butchered and prepared, though this is not as true of the dragon. Children are perfect substitutes for many dishes, and they can suffice to duplicate, or at least take the place of, anything from pork to chicken to beef to fish or dragon. It depends on the parts of the children you use. It all begins to taste a bit like beef or pork if the child becomes too old, so keep that in mind. And of course when they are adults they are free to make their own choices. Eating adults is definitely out, as anyone in their right minds should know.

Children as meat have become quite popular, and frankly, it is a way the population can be lowered without it being an unnecessary death, or some form of stem cell usage which goes against the laws of God and man. Food is not a waste, and I say here, and without fear, we are all creatures of God, and God believes we are the rulers of the earth, and though all life is precious, and all babies should be preserved, it is obviously okay for them, up until that certain age, to be eaten, as this activity, nourishing one's self, is in God's plan.

Abortion clinics of the past gave women a choice, but there should be no choice. All life is sacred and should be preserved until that moment that it becomes meat, or it becomes an adult. No babies of dragons or of human persuasion were killed in the womb for any dish I have ever prepared, and I am proud of that. I use only fresh out-of-the-womb meat that no one wants, or has abused, or taken a limb from.

I stress this because there are underground recipes that make use of aborted embryos, and this is a foul blow against God, and I would not want to be thought one of their ilk.

Forgive me my distraction, but since this cookbook is designed for the church, I suppose its dictates and concerns were on my mind. Hail to him that is love. Hail to God who knows all and loves all and wants us to protect the defenseless children.

And remember, dragon chili, with the occasional substitute, is one of the finest and tastiest meals that one can digest, for it, like the child, comes from the egg of a female and the seed of male, and none of it has been spilled and none of it has been violated in the womb. It is all meat, fresh and clean and unwanted and unloved, except prepared in the manner that I have suggested, adding plenty of black pepper and a smidgen of salt and lots of chili pepper to taste.

Cook on.

Brother Canefield: Chef for the Church of ReligiousUnion and Harmony and The Home of The One True God and his Minions.