TERRY BISSON

OPENCLOSE

OPEN.
Open.
Open, dammit.
Open, godammit. O-pen!
O-pen, godammit!
Damn. Call Beth.
Beth, are you there?
Beth, pick up if you are there.
Beth, call me as soon as you get this message. I'm at
  the airport and
I'm locked out of the car. O-pen.
O-pen you son of a bitch.
O-pen you god damned son of a bitch.
O-pen dammit if- RIIING
Finally! Beth, thank god.
Yes, she got on her flight. I guess -- I saw her going through the security line. Now I'm double-parked by the curbside check-in and I can't get back into the car.
I don't know, it doesn't recognize my voice. Maybe the voice ID is busted, or maybe it's this cold. I just got out to help your mother with the bags. I'm lucky I didn't leave my phone in the car.
Of course I asked it nicely. Are you being serious? This is no joke, Beth. This is a security zone or whatever they call it and they are already starting to look at me funny.
I know you have to be in court, but I have an idea. You are on the voice ID too, so I will just hold the phone up to the lock.
Cool. Okay.
Try it again.
More forcefully.
That's better, No, it didn't open. I mean it sounded better. Try it again. I'm not sure repetition is the thing.
Shouting is not going to help.
No, I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just making suggestions.
No, I can't leave it here, this is the airport for Christ's fucking sake.
I'm sorry, it's just that it's starting to rain and I don't have an umbrella.
All right, I have an umbrella, but it's in my briefcase and that's in the fucking car and, look, Beth, please just try it one more time.
Good idea. I'll try the passenger side.
Here we are. Slow and steady.
Maybe if I hold it back a few inches.
STEP BACK. UNAUTHORIZED ENTRY ATTEMPT. STEP BACK FROM THE CAR. Oh, shit.
OO WEE OO. STEP BACK.
That's the car, the alarm system. It thinks we are trying to break in.
OO WEE OO. OO WEE OO.
It gives you three or four tries, then it assumes you are a car thief doing voice impersonations, I guess. Alarm, shut up! Alarm, it's me!
STEP BACK FROM THE CAR! UNAUTHORIZED USER.
There probably is a password but I don't know it. I never use it.
I know I should have it, Beth. I'm sure I do have it. I'm sure it's in my PalmPC which is in my briefcase which is in the fucking car. OO WEE OO. STEP BACK.
I'm not freaking out, I'm just upset. I think that's legitimate. I think that's understandable.
UNAUTHORIZED ENTRY ATTEMPT.
Now it's really starting to rain.
STEP BACK. OO WEE OO.
Damn. Maybe you should come out here, Beth. I know you're due in court at 2:00 but ....
THANK YOU. CHIRP CHIRP.
Hey, the alarm just stopped. Cool. And here comes the police. They must have a skeleton frequency or something. Maybe they will be able to open the car doors. They will probably give me a ticket but that's better than being towed.
Uh oh. It's one of those ashcroft vans.
STEP BACK FROM THE CAR, SIR.
Officer, it's my car, it's locked.
STEP BACK FROM THE CAR. KEEP YOUR HANDS IN PLAIN SIGHT.
It's not the police, Beth. It's Homeland Security. I just saw the twin towers logo.
PUT THE DEVICE DOWN, SIR.
They're not getting out of the van. I think there are two of them. I can hardly see through the glass.
PLACE THE DEVICE ON THE PAVEMENT.
It's not a device, officer, it's a phone. Beth, you'd better talk to these guys. I have no fucking idea what ....
SIR! PLACE THE DEVICE ON THE PAVEMENT AND STEP AWAY.
Officer, will you speak with my wife? She's a lawyer.
RIGHT NOW! PLACE THE DEVICE ON THE PAVEMENT.
I don't think they can even hear me, Beth. They won't get out of the van.
RIGHT NOW, SIR!
Okay, okay.
Beth, I have to go. I'll call you back. Don't go anywhere.
NOW STEP AWAY. RIGHT NOW!
Officer, that's my car. That's my phone. I'm a citizen. Here's my Homeland card.
HANDS AWAY FROM POCKETS, SIR! RIGHT NOW!
If you would just let me show you my card.
HANDS IN FULL VIEW, SIR! STEP TO THE REAR OF THE SECURITY VAN.
Officer, it's raining for Christ's sake!
SIR! RIGHT NOW!
I have to get my phone. I can't just leave it on the street in the rain.
YOU ARE IN A SECURITY ZONE. ALL UNATTENDED DEVICES ARE SUBJECT TO PREEMPTIVE DISASSEMBLY.
What!? You're going to crunch my fucking Nokia? What kind of shit is this?
WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, SIR. APPROACH THE VAN SLOWLY. So they can hear me. Motherfuckers.
PLACE BOTH HANDS IN THE EXTENDED SECURITY LOOP.
What for? Hey!
BOTH HANDS, SIR!
You can't handcuff me. I'm a citizen...Ow!
NOW STEP BACK FROM THE VAN DOOR, SIR. ONE STEP ONLY.
I need my phone. I have a right to call my wife.
YOU ARE IN A SECURITY ZONE. YOU WILL BE ALLOWED A
PHONE CALL WITHIN 96 HOURS.
She's my lawyer. What about my cart It's her car too.
YOU ARE IN A SECURITY ZONE. ALL UNATTENDED DEVICES
ARE SUBJECT TO PREEMPTIVE DISASSEMBLY.
It's not a device, it's a fucking car. It's my car!
WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, SIR. STEP BACK FROM THE DOOR ONE STEP.
I have a right to call my wife. She's my lawyer.
OPEN.
What is this? Some kind of paddy wagon? No way!
STEP INSIDE THE VAN, SIR.
Ow! That hurts! Why are you shocking me? I'm a citizen.
SIT ON THE BENCH.
Okay, okay! But I'm telling you ....
SIR! WATCH THE CLOSING DOOR.
Damn it, you can't do this. I didn't do anything. I -- CLOSE.