Adapted by
Orson Scott Card
Copyright ©
2000 Orson Scott Card, All Rights Reserved.
OLD JOE, incredibly old, is sitting in silence facing the audience. He has a small writing table next to him; he is holding a quill pen that rests on the paper. ANNIE FLAMMER enters, comes up behind him. She circles him -- he doesn't react. Behind him, she makes faces at him. MRS. DILBER enters with a sack over her shoulder.
DILBER
Is he poorly?
ANNIE holds the current grimace, wheels to face
Dilber, then turns back.
DILBER
My laws, what a purty little thing you is.
DILBER sets down bag.
DILBER (Hopefully)
Is he dead?
ANNIE (sniffs the air, grimaces)
He must be breathin' -- it
smells like a wet hound dog in here.
DILBER
Talk to him nice, Annie, or you won't get a dime.
ANNIE
Two bits or the time of day, I ain't gettin' neither.
DILBER (gleeful)
You got nothin', didn't you!
Enter BEN WIGGLE, Undertaker.
ANNIE
And how could I? They was always somebody there moanin'
an' cryin'.
WIGGLE
All them folks howlin' like a bunch of cats won't bring
him back. That ol' boy's dead as your old toenails.
DILBER
Dead as a doornail, you mean.
WIGGLE
Lawsy, Mrs. Dilber, ain't we smart today. I say he's
dead as your old toenails, an' I reckon doornails ain't no deader.
Huh? Huh?
DILBER
Excuse the undeription, Mister Ben Wiggle, sir.
WIGGLE
I say what good is it havin' friends drippin' all them
tears on your coffin. Does the water make him grow?
ANNIE
It does.
WIGGLE scowls.
ANNIE
It makes him grow moldy!
DILBER (laughing unroariously)
Oh, she's as smart as a pig in
pants, Wiggle. She put one over on you!
OLD JOE seizes his ink-bottle and throws it arthritically to the ground. The sound freezes them all, and DILBER looks with fear toward the unmoving figure.
DILBER
Oh, we're sorry sir.
WIGGLE Yes, sir, we offer you our most deepest appendectomies.
ANNIE We won't make another peep.
They gather together, sudden allies in the darkness. They wait a moment, then OLD JOE taps his pen. All three leap forward at once, but it's ANNIE that gets the ink-bottle and puts it on the writing-stand. Then MRS. DILBER opens her bag.
DILBER
I didn't get much. Just two old shirts.
ANNIE (outraged)
Where'd you get those? I looked all over!
DILBER
In a bag on the front step. He was given' 'em to the poor.
WIGGLE
Yes, sir, that's us, and we got 'em.
DILBER
I got 'em!
A tap from the pen. They become quiet, and WIGGLE reads what Old Joe has written
WIGGLE
Four bits.
DILBER
Four bits! (Catches herself, says with an edge) Thank
you, sir. Four bits, oh, that's a magubrious payment for all my hard
work.
ANNIE
It's four bits more than I get, 'cause I got nothin',
Mr. Joe, an' lucky to get away with that much. All them people
there.
WIGGLE
Weepin' and moanin'.
DILBER
And cryin'.
WIGGLE
That's weepin'.
ANNIE
So what did you get, Ben Wiggle?
WIGGLE
Mr. Wiggle to dogs and little children. I got as
much as you, and for the same reason. Also there wasn't nothin' to
take. I got to him with his wallet still on him!
DILBER
With his wallet!
WIGGLE
But it was empty as a churchmouse.
DILBER
Empty as a churchmouse? Oh, he's a
genius, he is.
ANNIE
Somebody beat you to it?
WIGGLE
No, he gave all his money away. He died without a cent
on him, and so I'm poor as dirt for another day.
DILBER
I always heard he was a rich man!
WIGGLE
Sure, he made money, but it slipped right out of
his hands. Gave it all away to every beggar with a teary tale.
DILBER
Him, give away? I remember when he wouldn't spit
on the sidewalk less'n somebody paid him fifty cents for irrigatin'.
WIGGLE
Yes, ma'am, he's changed. Powerful changed. He died
with a smile, they say.
DILBER
I heard of him as a stingy old miser.
WIGGLE
That he was, till a few odd Christmases ago. Then of a
sudden he turned from the devil into Father Christmas.
ANNIE
Fine Christmas he's given us.
DILBER
Only way I'll get me a bite of Christmas ham is if I
kiss me a pig.
WIGGLE
All thanks to cheerful Mr. Scrooge! Generous Mr.
Scrooge.
ANNIE (kneels)
Can't you spare a nickel, Mr. Scrooge, to buy an
orphan girl a bowl of grits at Christmastime?
SCROOGE entering.
SCROOGE
Go away! (scornfully) Christmas grits!
WIGGLE
A merry Christmas to you, Mr. Scrooge!
SCROOGE
Humbug! An excuse to take money from an honest working
gentleman.
DILBER (smiling)
God bless you, this Christmas!
SCROOGE
Bah!
The three giggle, and retreat to a corner. SCROOGE addresses Joe.
SCROOGE
You, sir, at least you have sense to be silent.
Christmas. National give-away day. National rob-the-rich day.
National do-yourduty-to-the-lazy-poor day. Humbug!
Scrooge takes his place at his desk. Moments later,
Cratchit rushes in, hangs his coat on the hook, and sits at his high
stool. He opens his account book, dips his pen in the inkwell, and
acts for all the world as if he has been at work all morning. SCROOGE
looks, up, clears his throat.
CRATCHIT (cheerful)
Morning, Mr. Scrooge.
SCROOGE
Get to work. You're late.
CRATCHIT (immediately humble)
Two minutes, sir. I'm sorry.
SCROOGE
Getting to be a habit. Maybe it's time to look for
someone who wants to work.
CRATCHIT
Oh, I want to work, sir.
SCROOGE
Then stop talking and do it.
Scrooge's nephew FRED enters.
FRED
Good morning, Uncle!
FRED offers his hand to SCROOGE, who ignores it. After a moment, Fred rubs his hands together to warm them up. He finds the place chilly in more than one sense. But he speaks with good humor.
FRED
Is this an ice-house? Uncle, your nose is blue.
SCROOGE
Coal is up to a dollar fifteen.
FRED (teasing)
So you've decided to freeze to death. That'll
show 'em!
Cratchit laughs -- then turns it into a cough as Scrooge glowers.
FRED
Tomorrow is Christmas day, Uncle Ebenezer. And I've come
to wish you a merry one, and say, "God bless you."
SCROOGE (pause)
Bah! Humbug!
FRED
Christmas a humbug, Uncle? You don't mean that.
SCROOGE
I don't say things that I don't mean. Merry Christmas.
What right do you have to be merry? You're poor enough.
FRED
Then what reason do you have to be dismal? You're rich
enough!
SCROOGE
Bah!
FRED
Don't be cross, Uncle.
SCROOGE
What else can I be, when I live in a world of fools?
Merry Christmas! What's Christmas to you but a time of paying debts
without money; a time for finding yourself a year older and not an
hour richer? If I had my way, every idiot who goes around saying
'Merry Christmas' would be hung from the top of his own Christmas
tree and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!
FRED
Uncle!
SCROOGE
Nephew! Keep Christmas in your way, and let me keep it
in mine.
FRED
But you don't keep it!
SCROOGE
Let me leave it alone, then! A lot of good it's ever
done you.
FRED
There's a lot of things that's done me good without
making me a penny of profit, Christmas among the rest. But I've
always thought of Christmas as a good time; a kind, forgiving,
charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of in the long
calendar of the year when men and women, by one consent, freely open
their closed-up hearts; and treat people below them as if they really
were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of
creatures bound on other journeys. And there, Uncle, though it has
never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it
has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God
bless it!
CRATCHIT applauds, then realizes where he is and immediately returns to writing.
SCROOGE
Let me hear another sound from you, and you'll
keep Christmas by losing your job! (to Fred) You're quite the
speaker, sir. I'm surprised you don't run for the Congress!
FRED
Don't be sore at me, Uncle. Come and dine with us
tomorrow.
SCROOGE
I'll see you roasted first!
FRED
Why?
SCROOGE
Why did you marry a poor girl?
FRED (simply)
Because I fell in love.
SCROOGE
Because you fell in love! Good morning.
FRED
You never visited me before I got married. How can
that be your reason now?
SCROOGE
Good morning!
FRED
I want nothing from you. You won't lose a dime by coming.
Why can't we be friends?
SCROOGE
Good morning.
FRED
I'm sorry, with all my heart. We've never had any quarrel
-- at least I haven't. But I gave it a try on account of the
season, and I'll keep my Christmas spirit to the last. Merry
Christmas, Uncle!
SCROOGE
Good morning.
FRED
And a Happy New Year!
SCROOGE
Good morning!
As FRED exits, he speaks to Cratchit softly.
FRED
Merry Christmas.
CRATCHIT
Thank you, sir. And a Merry Christmas to you, sir.
SCROOGE
That's just what I'm talking about. My clerk, making a
dollar fifty a week, and a wife and family, talking about a Merry
Christmas. There aren't enough asylums to hold these lunatics.
Mrs. BULLWICK and Mrs. ROCKWELL come to the door and open it. Both are society ladies, but Mrs. Bullwick is the true southern lady, sweet and Christian -- and so eager to avoid conflict that she'll put up with almost any abuse. Mrs. Rockwell, on the other hand, deserves the title "battleaxe," meaning that she speaks her mind -though always in a ladylike way.
BULLWICK
Scrooge & Marley's, I believe?
SCROOGE looks up, frowns at her, and looks down.
SCROOGE
Yes.
BULLWICK
Do we have the pleasure of addressing Mr. Scrooge or
Mr. Marley.
SCROOGE
Marley's dead.
BULLWICK (afraid of having given offense)
Oh, really?
SCROOGE
I had him buried seven years ago tonight, so if he's
only joking, he's kept it up pretty well. I was his sole executor,
his sole assign, his only friend, and his only mourner.
BULLWICK
Oh, I am sorry to hear that.
SCROOGE
I ain't all tore up about it. What are you so
sorry for?
BULLWICK (confused, but still gracious)
I'm sure that his
surviving partner is just as generous as he was.
SCROOGE looks up and stares Bullwick down. Mrs. Rockwell now sees that it's time for her to get involved -- sweetness hasn't paid off.
ROCKWELL
You are Mr. Scrooge?
SCROOGE
Who are you?
ROCKWELL
Mrs. Wellington Rockwell. And this here is Mrs. John
Bullwick. We're from the Ladies Auxiliary of -
BULLWICK (smoothing things over)
At this festive season of the
year, Mr. Scrooge, it is more than usually desirable that we should
make some slight provision for the poor and homeless, who suffer
greatly at the present time. Many thousands are in want of common
necessities; hundreds of thousands are doing without common comforts,
sir.
SCROOGE
Aren't there any prisons?
BULLWICK (confused)
There's jails in every town, I suppose.
SCROOGE
And the poorhouses? Are they still in business?
ROCKWELL (she understands what he's driving at)
Of
course.
BULLWICK
Filled to overflowing.
SCROOGE
Oh! I was afraid, from what you were starting to say
there, that something had happened to shut them all down. Glad to
hear they're still working.
ROCKWELL (irked by Scrooge's attitude)
Some folks might say
those places don't give a body much in the way of Christian cheer.
That's why we're raising a fund to buy the poor some meat and drink,
and means of warmth. We choose this time, because it's the time of
year when hunger is most keenly felt, and when those with plenty take
the most joy in sharing.
She gets ready to write -- with an expression that says he'd better contribute.
ROCKWELL
What shall we put you down for?
SCROOGE
Nothing.
BULLWICK
Oh, you wish to remain anonymous?
SCROOGE
I wish to be left alone. I don't make myself merry at
Christmas, and I can't afford to put on a picnic for a bunch of
slackers. I pay taxes to support the prisons and the poorhouses. They
cost enough; and those who are too lazy to earn an honest dollar had
better go there.
ROCKWELL
Many can't go there. And many would rather die.
SCROOGE
Then they better well do it, and decrease the surplus
population.
ROCKWELL
We're speaking of your fellow man, sir!
SCROOGE
My fellow man, madam, is none of my business. My
business occupies me constantly. I have no time to interfere
in other people's, and I appreciate it when they don't interfere in
mine. Good morning.
ROCKWELL (in a huff)
Good morning.
ROCKWELL goes to the door, turns to wait for BULLWICK, who is still trying to think of some way to salvage a peaceful happy outcome. As BULLWICK at last turns to leave, she is stopped by CRATCHIT, who hands her a coin, then quickly returns to his work. BULLWICK is surprised; then smiles and leaves, saying:
BULLWICK
Merry Christmas.
SCROOGE (after a pause)
If you expect me to make that up, you
are mistaken. (Pause.) In fact, if you have money to throw away, I
must be paying you too much.
Some CHILDREN begin to sing outside the door.
CHILDREN
God rest you, merry Gentlemen Let nothing you dismay -
With a roar, SCROOGE leaps to his feet, and, brandishing a ruler, runs out the door. The CHILDREN shriek and run.
SCROOGE
Go away! Don't fill my ears with your obnoxious good
cheer!
SCROOGE re-entering.
SCROOGE
Rotten little kids. I can tell already that today is
going to be wretched.
Blackout on Scrooge, up on Old Joe, Dilber, Wiggle, and Annie.
DILBER
That's the Ebenezer Scrooge I knew!
WIGGLE
How did you know him?
DILBER
I used to do his laundry. But he accused me of stealing
and threw me out.
ANNIE
Were you?
DILBER
Was I what?
ANNIE
Stealing?
DILBER
Well what do you think? But he never
caught me. Just fired me out of pure nastiness.
ANNIE
So how did he change?
DILBER (taunting)
Oh, she wants to hear the story! Look,
Mister Ben Wiggle, you done started a tale for children.
WIGGLE
I could do worse....
ANNIE
I'm not a children!
DILBER
No, you're an old woman, all shriveled up.
WIGGLE
They say -- so y'all can be sure I ain't making
it up -- they say that Scrooge turned his whole life around on that
very Christmas Eve.
ANNIE
But if he was so mean, how come he changed?
DILBER
He was scared by a ghost.
WIGGLE
Sure! That's what happened!
DILBER
I was jokin'!
ANNIE
Really? A ghost?
WIGGLE
Four of 'em. But I'm getting ahead of myself. That night
when he went home, he saw the first one.
Well, Bob Cratchit, it's six o'clock.
Why, so it is, if that don't beat all
SCROOGE (scornfully)
Don't pretend to be surprised. You've
been watching the clock all afternoon. You're a good deal quicker to
go than you are to arrive. You'll gladly take two minutes of my
time, but you won't spare a minute of yours.
CRATCHIT is ready to go, but stands at the door.
SCROOGE
You'll expect to get all day off
tomorrow, I suppose.
CRATCHIT
If it's convenient, sir.
SCROOGE
It ain't convenient, and it ain't fair. If I was to
dock you twenty cents you'd think I was mistreatin' you, right?
CRATCHIT smiles faintly.
SCROOGE
But you don't think you're mistreatin' me when
I pay a day's wages for no work.
CRATCHIT (softly)
It's only once a year, sir.
SCROOGE
A poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every
twenty-fifth of December. But I reckon you've got to have the whole
day. Be here early the next morning!
CRATCHIT
Oh, I sure will, sir. Merry Christmas, sir!
CRATCHIT leaves.
WIGGLE
So Bob Cratchit took off for home, stoppin' on the way
to slide down the ice on Corn Hill twenty times, right among the
boys.
ANNIE laughs.
WIGGLE
But Ebenezer Scrooge, not he. He walked home, all
right, cussin' the snow and swearing at the beggars. He stopped to
eat a greasy dinner in a dirty, dark tavern, then added up the sums
in his banker's book till 9 o'clock. Finally he closed the book and
went on home. It was once a beautiful mansion, but the neighborhood
was all run-down, and Scrooge let out all the lower rooms for
offices.
DILBER
I know the place.
WIGGLE
Well, then, I reckon you seen that humongous knocker on
the front door. Mr. Scrooge, he'd been seein' it every night for
years and never paid it no mind. But as he was opening the door that
Christmas Eve, he took him a glance at that knocker and bless me if
it didn't look like the face of old Marley, his dead partner.
SCROOGE opens the door, enters, stops, stares at the knocker -- which is Wiggle's face, offered for inspection -- then looks forward again.
WIGGLE (cont)
But when he looked back at it, it was just a
knocker again.
SCROOGE looks at it again; this time Wiggle isn't there, so he shrugs, says:
SCROOGE
Pooh!
He walks in, goes to a small table, lights a candle, and starts upstairs. Wiggle is wrapping himself in chains and ropes, and ties a cloth around his head to hold his jaw from going slack.
WIGGLE
The face wasn't pretty. It was a little yeller, and
looked pretty peaked, even considering Marley was dead. It wasn't a
face you forget real easy, and Scrooge double-locked his door. But it
didn't do him no good. Because after a sip of corn mash, there
started up a noise in the basement. Chains a-rattlin', heavy
footsteps a-comin' up the stairs, gettin' louder and louder.
SCROOGE (trying to dismiss it)
Pooh! (Listens) Pooh! (Listens,
then jumps up in fear.) It's still humbug! I won't believe it!
WIGGLE
All the bells in the house started ringing at once, and
when the noise stopped, Scrooge looked up and there was -
6
SCROOGE
Marley!
Lights come up, and WIGGLE is Marley.
SCROOGE
What do you want with me!
MARLEY
Plenty!
SCROOGE
Who are you really?
MARLEY
Ask me who I was.
SCROOGE
Picky, ain't you? All right, who were you,
then?
MARLEY
In life I was your partner, Jacob Marley.
SCROOGE
Oh. Can you, uh, sit down?
MARLEY
I can.
SCROOGE
Then do it.
MARLEY
You don't believe in me.
SCROOGE
Not a bit.
MARLEY
What proof do you need, beyond your ears and eyes?
SCROOGE
I expect you ain't nothin' but a hallucination, brought
on by some undigested barbecue, an overdose of okra, or maybe them
day-old sausage biscuits I had for breakfast. There's more of gravy
than of grave about you, whatever you are!
SCROOGE starts to laugh but MARLEY rises, moaning and rattling chains as lightning, thunder, and all the bells in the house add to the terror. SCROOGE falls to his knees.
SCROOGE
Marley, I wasn't botherin' you, so why'd you
come here to bother me?
MARLEY
Puny man with your world mind, do you believe in me or
not?
SCROOGE
I do, I must! But why do you walk the earth as a
spirit, and why do you come to me?
MARLEY
Every man must walk abroad among his fellow men, and his
spirit must touch many other souls; and if you don't do that in life,
then your spirit is condemned to do it after death. (Cries out.)
SCROOGE
You're in chains.
MARLEY
This is the chain I forged in life. I made it link by
link, and yard by yard; I put it on at my own free will, and of my
own free will I wore it. You think it looks peculiar, Ebenezer?
That's only cause you can't yet see the weight and length of your own
chain. It was every bit as heavy and as long as this, seven Christmas
Eves ago. You have worked hard on making it longer. You're loaded
heavy as a pack mule, Ebenezer.
SCROOGE looks around for his chain.
MARLEY
Don't look for it now, leastways not outside yourself.
SCROOGE
Jacob! Old Jacob Marley, say something to comfort your
old friend!
MARLEY
I ain't got one danged word of comfort for you. Comfort
comes from a place where I can't go, and it gets sent to a different
kind of man from you. In life my spirit never left our counting-house
-- listen up, boy! -- in life my soul was crushed by coins and buried
under account books. And now all the journeys my heart never took lie
before me.
SCROOGE
You must have been pretty slow about it so far, Jacob.
MARLEY
Slow?
SCROOGE
Seven years dead, and still the whole journey before
you.
MARLEY
I move like the wind, Ebenezer.
SCROOGE
Then I reckon you might have got over a bit more
ground.
MARLEY (cries out)
Don't you dare judge me, Ebenezer!
You will set there in your countinghouse, doing nothing --
SCROOGE
I work hard, now Jacob! --
MARLEY
The kind of work you do right now is only adding
to your debt to life. And to pay it off now, after death, that takes
a blame sight longer than it would in life.
SCROOGE
How long?
MARLEY (crying out)
Lo-o-o-o-o-o-ong! I am in debt to the whole
world, and how can a bankrupt soul like me ever pay it back!
SCROOGE
But you were always a good man at business, Jacob.
MARLEY
Mankind was my business. And at this time of
year, I suffer most. There's a star in the heavens that I never
looked up to see. (Begins to moan). Now listen up, Ebenezer! My time
is nearly gone.
SCROOGE
I will! But don't be too hard on me, Jacob! After all,
it's been a long time since we've seen each other --
MARLEY
Not for me. I've sat invisible beside you many a day.
SCROOGE (not the greatest news he's ever heard)
Oh, really?
MARLEY
And that ain't the best part of my punishment, either,
watching how you treat people. But I'm here tonight to warn you, to
give you a chance and a hope of escaping my fate.
SCROOGE
You were always a good friend to me!
MARLEY
You will be haunted by three Spirits.
SCROOGE
Is that my chance and hope?
MARLEY
It is.
SCROOGE
Well then I think I'll pass on this one, thanks.
MARLEY (shaking his chains)
If they don't visit you then you
got no hope of shucking off your chains.
SCROOGE
I reckon I don't mind a visit or two, then.
MARLEY
Expect the first to come this dark morning, at the hour
of one.
SCROOGE
I don't reckon I could take 'em all at once and get it
over with -
MARLEY (shouting him down)
The second will come the next night
at the same hour. And the third, upon the next night on the last
stroke of twelve.
SCROOGE (scribbling in a notebook)
Twelve.
MARLEY
Ebenezer, my time is up. You ain't never going to see
me again.
SCROOGE
Oh, too bad, it's been such a pleasant visit. Don't
rush off!
MARLEY
For your own sake, never forget what I told you!
SCROOGE
No, no, I'll never forget it, no sir, not I --
MARLEY snaps his fingers, and SCROOGE freezes. WIGGLE sheds the chain and paraphernalia, and goes back to Dilber and Annie.
DILBER
Oh, Wiggle, what a yarn! Bless me, I'd turn about quick
enough if you sent me my old husband from the grave.
ANNIE
But Scrooge ain't no different yet. He's just skeered,
and if you give him a hot bowl of soup he'd talk himself into being
as nasty as he ever was!
WIGGLE
The next ghost'll take care of that!
THEY confer, and ANNIE suddenly becomes serious.
ANNIE
Me!
WIGGLE
Why not!
ANNIE
Well, what'll I show him?
WIGGLE
I guess that's up to you, now, ain't it!
ANNIE solemnly steps forward to Scrooge, then turns around. WIGGLE signals her to snap her fingers. She does, and SCROOGE continues the motion he began before Wiggle stopped him. He falls to his knees.
SCROOGE
No, I'll never forget it as long as I live. (Regaining
control, but still on his knees) Which may not be all that long, if I
got to go through this three more times.
The clock strikes one o'clock.
SCROOGE
One o'clock already, why Jacob, we've taken half the
--
With a gasp, SCROOGE realizes Annie is not Marley. He backs away.
SCROOGE
Where's Jacob? It's one o'clock. You must be the first
of the spirits.
ANNIE (Her voice is timid; she smiles shyly)
I reckon I am.
SCROOGE
What are you? Or who?
ANNIE
I'm the Ghost of Christmas past.
SCROOGE
Long past?
ANNIE
No, your past.
SCROOGE
Well, what's your business? Get on with it.
ANNIE
Your welfare.
SCROOGE
A good night's sleep might be more helpful than all
this visitation.
ANNIE (almost sharply)
Your rescue, then.
SCROOGE
Will it be -- hard?
ANNIE
How hard will it be to open the doors to your past?
You've hidden it in the dark, and double-locked the doors. (Holds out
her hand) I have the keys.
Gingerly, SCROOGE takes her hand. Suddenly, he starts stumbling in place.
SCROOGE
What's happening?
ANNIE
Lift your feet.
SCROOGE
We're flying. Look out, we're going to hit that wall
-- how did you do that. Flying over the streets of Greensboro. This
is hardly dignified. (Laughs) They look like cockroaches down there!
WIGGLE
They fly into a cloud of smoke from a tobacco factory.
SCROOGE coughs and sputters.
WIGGLE
When they come out of the cloud, the city is gone.
Instead, they're soaring over fields and a country lane, with trees
tipped with frost in the thin light of early morning.
SCROOGE
Do we have to fly this high? I'm still pretty much
mortal, and falling might tend to hurt me more than it hurts you.
ANNIE
Here you are flying, and all you can think of is the
fall. Let me touch you here, and you'll be upheld in more than this.
(Touches his heart) How did you ever let it get so cold?
SCROOGE
That house --
WIGGLE
The sun throws a sudden light through the clouds, and a
house springs out of the woods. A large house, with a dozen gables,
dormers, chimneys, all with ribbons of smoke that seems to tie the
house to the sky.
SCROOGE
I was born here. I was raised here!
WIGGLE
They walk in. A hall with doors leading off in every
direction. A long stairway, and a banister worn smooth by the bottoms
of several generations of boys.
SCROOGE
I slid down that banister! My own self!
ANNIE
Hush up and listen.
DINAH
Morning, Ma'am. Can Benny come out and play?
SCROOGE'S MOTHER
As soon as he's done with his breakfast.
DINAH
Papa says there's ice on the pond thick enough to skate!
SCROOGE'S MOTHER
Isn't that just perfect for Christmas!
DINAH
Tell Benny to hurry.
SCROOGE
Benny -- that's me.
ANNIE
Do you know the woman's voice?
SCROOGE'S MOTHER
Ebenezer?
SCROOGE
Yes, ma'am?
CHILD SCROOGE (echoing)
Yes, ma'am?
SCROOGE'S MOTHER
Dinah Wick was here. She has skates over her
shoulder. Would you like to go?
SCROOGE and CHILD SCROOGE
Oh, yes ma'am!
SCROOGE'S MOTHER
Then a Merry Christmas to you, son! Take your
little brother Garold with you; and dress warmly!
SCROOGE and CHILD SCROOGE
Yes, ma'am -- and thank you ma'am.
ANNIE
Your lip is trembling, Mr. Scrooge. And what's that on
your cheek?
SCROOGE
It's a pimple. Lead on, Spirit.
ANNIE
Don't you know the way?
SCROOGE
I could walk it blind!
ANNIE
Then how did you forget it for so long?
WIGGLE
On wagons and buggies, on foot and on horseback,
carrying lamps, bearing gifts, with Merry Christmas on every tongue.
As he speaks, background sound of distant carols, bells, calls and glad cries.
WIGGLE
Lovers, friends, neighbors, strangers -- they are all
magi.
SCROOGE
Uncle Wayne! And little Emma Manwaring -- has she never
grown up? Emma! Merry Christmas! And Merry Christmas, John Rider!
Spirit, why don't they answer?
ANNIE
They're only shadows. Their time is over, and we can't
touch them now.
SCROOGE
Of course not. I never could. How many Merry
Christmases have been spoken in vain! Not all Christmases are merry.
ANNIE
Do you know this school?
SCROOGE
Yes. Empty for the holidays.
ANNIE
Not quite empty. One child is still there. Alone.
Enter CHILD SCROOGE, below.
ANNIE
Why is he alone?
SCROOGE
It's his first Christmas after his mother and brother
died. His father won't have him at home now. He's got no place to go.
Take me away from here.
ANNIE
What about friends? Didn't anyone invite him for the
holiday?
SCROOGE (bitterly)
Merry Christmas, they all said, when they
left. Have a Merry Christmas, Ebenezer.
ANNIE
Wasn't there some reason they didn't ask this boy along?
No answer.
ANNIE
Have you forgotten. This boy never told them he
had no place to go for Christmas. He was too proud to admit his need.
SCROOGE
You're quite the judge, I see. Of course it was
all his fault.
ANNIE (flustered)
Not all his fault. If the others had
cared enough....
SCROOGE
They didn't. And never did. Merry Christmas. Take me
away from here.
ANNIE
So you'll leave this boy to cry all by himself, just
like the others?
SCROOGE
No, Spirit. I'll reach out, and touch him, and say --
somewhere there's somebody as knows what you're worth, boy. Someday
they'll be sorry they left you alone.
CHILD SCROOGE bursts into tears
SCROOGE
I can't bear this again. Take me away.
ANNIE
There was a boy singing carols at your door last night
-- a lonely boy --
SCROOGE
Enough! Take me away.
WIGGLE
The room gets a year older.
Enter MAGGIE. She is very frail. CHILD SCROOGE is pacing up and down -picks up a pencil and throws it to the ground.
MAGGIE
Benny!
CHILD SCROOGE whirls, they embrace.
MAGGIE
Oh, my dear, dear brother!
CHILD SCROOGE
How did you come?
MAGGIE
On a coach and four! I've come to take you home!
CHILD SCROOGE
Don't you go pullin' my leg, Maggie!
MAGGIE
No, Benny! I've come to bring you home, home, home!
CHILD SCROOGE
Home --
MAGGIE
For good and all. Home, forever and ever. Father's
turned so much happier and kinder than he's been since -- than he's
been for ages! Home's like Heaven! He spoke to me so sweet one night
when I was going to bed and suddenly I wasn't afraid to ask him
another time, even though he told me never to mention it again --
CHILD SCROOGE
Ask him what?
MAGGIE
If you could come home, of course! And he said YES, you
could -- and sent me to bring you! And you're to be a man, and you
never have to come back here --
CHILD SCROOGE (hugging her)
That's the best news! I been
prayin' for an earthquake or a tornado to knock this whole place down
--
MAGGIE (hushing him with her fingers)
Oh, of course you didn't
wish anything as bad as that. Benny, we'll have all of Christmas
together! It'll be the merriest time in all the world!
MAGGIE is dragging him to the door. He grabs her arms and starts dancing in a circle with her.
CHILD SCROOGE
We'll have a Merry Christmas! Aunt Mable's going
to kiss us! And Santa Claus won't miss us! Hurray for Merry
Christmas! (He stops abruptly.) Wait! My box!
MAGGIE
Well hurry and pack it! The coachman will load it. Oh,
hurry! Hurry up!
CHILD SCROOGE
God bless you, Maggie. You didn't forget me!
MAGGIE
Course not. And you'll never forget me, neither.
ANNIE
She's beautiful
SCROOGE
Ah. Yes.
ANNIE
So frail -- she never was healthy, was she?
SCROOGE
But she had a good heart. She married late and died
young.
ANNIE
She left children, I believe.
SCROOGE
One child.
ANNIE
Your nephew, Fred.
SCROOGE
Yes.
ANNIE
You promised her --
SCROOGE (barking at her)
I know what I promised!
Annie turns away, smiling a little. She's getting to him.
WIGGLE
They go on, to South Church Street near the Greensboro
railway station, till they stop at a certain warehouse door.
ANNIE
Do you know this place?
SCROOGE
Know it! I was apprenticed here!
ANNIE
Then come in.
FEZZIWIG enters.
SCROOGE
Look, Spirit! It's old Fezziwig!
FEZZIWIG
Yo ho, there! Ebenezer, Betty!
YOUNG SCROOGE (19) and BETTY WILKINS (20).
SCROOGE
Betty Wilkins, to be sure! Bless me, yes. There she is.
She was about the best friend I had in those days.
WILKINS
You'll dance the polka with me, won't you, Ben?
YOUNG SCROOGE
You know I ain't much for dancin', Betty.
WILKINS
I don't mind if you step on me now and again.
YOUNG SCROOGE
If I dance with anybody, I reckon it might as
well be you.
She stands there looking so happy your heart might break.
SCROOGE
Poor old Betty!
FEZZIWIG
Yo ho, boys and girls! No more work tonight!
Christmas Eve, Betty! Christmas, Ebenezer! Hilli-ho, Betty! Chirrup,
Ebenezer!
Enter three FEZZIWIG girls, preceded by MRS. FEZZIWIG. Each girl kisses Fezziwig -- the men bow. SERVANT-GIRLS, COOKS, ETC., come in below. A FIDDLER comes in above.
FEZZIWIG
Strike up, Fiddler! (off-key) Deck the halls with
boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Ah ha! A reel! A waltz!
A polka! Oh, Fiddler, I can't bear it! I shall jiggle across the
floor! Company!
FEZZIWIG holds out his arm for MRS. FEZZIWIG, and they strut out to dance. Others also dance, solo and in couples.
FEZZIWIG
Ebenezer, what sour devil has possessed your soul?
It's positively a sin not to dance on Christmas Eve!
FEZZIWIG pushes YOUNG SCROOGE straight at BETTY. Young Scrooge laughs, grabs Betty, and steps out finely.
FEZZIWIG
May God not rest ye, Merry Gentlemen! If a jack
here dares to rest, I'll stew him with the goose tomorrow. Supper! No
man in Carolina starves tonight as long as there's food on my table!
In! In! In! There's cold ham and hot roast and turkey and duck and
puddings bigger than your head!
FEZZIWIG fades out as ALL exit. YOUNG SCROOGE escorts BETTY to the door, but then shoos her on in and stays outside. Betty lingers a moment, looking longingly at him. SCROOGE moves around him, gesturing for him to enter.
SCROOGE
In, in, in, you young scoundrel! You heard old
Fezziwig!
FIDDLE starts up in the other room.
SCROOGE
Doesn't the fiddle get into your blood, you fool?
MRS. FEZZIWIG ENTERS.
MRS. FEZZIWIG
Ebenezer Q. Scrooge!
SCROOGE
Oh, I see. You're waiting to be coaxed!
MRS. FEZZIWIG
How dare you wait out here when the food's on
the table and you skinny as a worn-out bannister.
YOUNG SCROOGE
I'm all right, Mrs. Fezziwig.
SCROOGE (Mimics)
I'm all right, Mrs. Fezziwig.
MRS. FEZZIWIG
Look at your cheeks. White as a ghost. And I
know for a fact that Betty Wilkins is pining for a good stout polka
with you.
YOUNG SCROOGE
Is she? I wouldn't know about that.
SCROOGE (mimics)
Is she. I wouldn't know about that.
MRS. FEZZIWIG
You're not such a fool as not to know. I'll give
you the count of ten, and then I'll have a talk with the master about
a prentice with no trace of Christmas in his heart.
YOUNG SCROOGE (feigning reluctance)
All right, then Mrs.
Fezziwig.
SCROOGE (mimics)
All right, then Mrs. Fezziwig.
MRS. FEZZIWIG
I knew you'd see sense.
SCROOGE
Him see sense! Not a prayer!
MRS. FEZZIWIG
Ebenezer Z. Scrooge, you'll be the death
of me.
SCROOGE aims a kick at YOUNG SCROOGE as he exits.
SCROOGE
Fezziwig! Mrs. Fezziwig! Ah, they was grand folks!
ANNIE
A small matter, making these silly people so full of
cheer.
Touches his heart.
SCROOGE
Small! Why, it's in his power to make us happy or
unhappy, to make our work a pleasure or a misery. And he chose to
make us happy. Douse the lamps and you could see the noonday, if
Fezziwig's in the room. (Stops abruptly.)
ANNIE
What is it?
SCROOGE
Nothing in particular
ANNIE
Something, I think.
SCROOGE (wistful)
No. No -- It's just that I'd like to be able
to say a word or two to my clerk just now. That's all. (Gathering
back his grumpy self.) Ah, well, those old days are gone . . . and
however warm our hearts were then, it's cold comfort in these days.
ANNIE
The comfort isn't cold. Just the comforted.
ANNIE
But I see a speck of progress.
SCROOGE
Of course you know Fezziwig ate up two months' profit
on that feast! Or rather, every scoundrel and vagrant in Dixie ate it
up. He'd have been better to have spent it on investments, to have a
decent dowry for his daughters. They married poor, did you know that?
Poor, but to "gentlemen." And today I, a tradesman,
a mere prentice, I could buy or sell them a dozen times on one
week's surplus!
ANNIE
Oh, yes, Ebenezer Scrooge. You're richer than
them, anyway.
SCROOGE
Now we know who's fit for courting and who isn't.
ANNIE
Then I guess you'll be glad to see this Christmas --
SARAH enters, followed by YOUNG SCROOGE.
SARAH
My feelings matter very little. To you, anyway.
Something has taken my place -- and if it can cheer you and comfort
you as I would have -- as I tried to do -- well then, how can I
begrudge your happiness?
YOUNG SCROOGE
Nothing's taken your place. SARAH
And I say
you worship an idol. A golden one.
YOUNG SCROOGE ("that again")
So if I want to make
money, that's a sin, is it? That's just what the rich folks hope all
us poor folks believe. They grind us down like dirt under their
boots, but let a man raise himself, let a man get a little uppity,
and everybody's all over him to condemn him for it. All I want is for
you to have all that a lady like you deserves!
SARAH
Don't pretend you're doing it for me. You do it because
you love the money. And I've had to stand by and watch all your fine
dreams fall away, to be replaced by a tawdry lust after gain.
YOUNG SCROOGE
You're throwing them words like sharp knives,
ain't you? I remember a time when you had only soft words for me --
SARAH
I fell in love with you when we were both poor, and
happy to be poor as long as we were together. We'd both work hard, we
said, and in a while we'd improve our fortune -- together. It's you
that's changed. When we made our contract, you were another man.
YOUNG SCROOGE
I was a boy.
SARAH
I loved that boy, and he loved me.
YOUNG SCROOGE
I can't expect a woman to understand a man's
concerns --
SARAH
Oh, I understand you, Ebenezer. Better than you
understand yourself. It hasn't caused me any joy.
YOUNG SCROOGE
Well, if you don't want to be around me anymore
--
SARAH
Yes, Ebenezer. I release you from your promise.
YOUNG SCROOGE
I wasn't asking for a release!
SARAH
But you were wishing for it! (Hurling words at him:) It
wasn't a fair bargain anymore. You counted up all you'd have to give
me -a house, clothing, the cost of raising children -- and all I
could ever give back to you was love. You weighed all that money
against love -- well, love weighs less than a feather in your
scales.
YOUNG SCROOGE
What are we supposed to do, starve to death
while we're looking all dreamy at each other?
SARAH
If you hadn't met me before, you'd never look twice at a
poor girl like me today.
YOUNG SCROOGE
Is that so?
SARAH If you were free of your promise to me, you'd never choose a girl without a dowry. If you married me, you'd come to regret it; and I can bear losing you far better than having you, and having you hate me.
YOUNG SCROOGE
How could I hate you?
SARAH
Yes, how? But I think the pain you feel isn't from love
-- it's because it hurts your pride that I should choose to live
without you. You'll recover soon enough, Ebenezer. I hope you'll be
happy in the life you've chosen, I truly do.
SARAH touches a kiss to his forehead and leaves.
SCROOGE (bitterly)
Spirit, take me home. I've seen enough.
ANNIE
Have you? Ain't you a-hankerin' to know what happened to
her?
SCROOGE
No! Yes, but Spirit, just tell me -- don't make
we watch. Was she miserable? Did I wreck her whole life?
ANNIE
Oh, no, Ebenezer; she was miserable only when she was
with you. Oh, she cried for a couple of days. But pretty soon
she was as bright and happy as before she ever met you. She caught
the eye of a young weaver, married him, and helped him rise to the
head of a big textile company of his own. They had eight children and
lived joyful as you please and saw all their children married happily
for love. And in all that time, she thought of you only once.
SCROOGE
That often.
ANNIE
It was the Christmas when Marley died; on his way home,
her husband saw you through the counting house window. And he told
his wife that you were alone. And she thought of you for a moment.
SCROOGE
Did she hate me?
ANNIE
Far from hate.
SCROOGE
Don't tell me that she still loved me?
ANNIE
What, are you crazy? But on that happy Christmas Eve,
she took a moment from her joy, and pitied you.
SCROOGE
Spirit, if I asked for water I reckon you'd give me
salt. Do you have any idea how much pain you've brought me?
ANNIE
It's pain you chose yourself, Ebenezer.
SCROOGE
I know. (One sob, sitting on the edge of the bed.)
Leave me.
She waits.
SCROOGE
Leave me!
She goes to him, strokes his head. In a few moments he is asleep. She eases him down on the bed, then turns to the others.
ANNIE
I can't help it. I pity him, too.
WIGGLE
But pity never cured a sick man, and it won't cure him.
DILBER
You did real good, Annie.
ANNIE
Y'all are just too kind to me --
DILBER (all business)
Just set still and be quiet now, girl.
(To Wiggle:) There's another ghost, ain't there?
WIGGLE
Right. Christmas Present
DILBER (feigning shyness)
But who ever will it be?
WIGGLE
Would you do it, Mrs. Dilber?
DILBER (Surprise)
What, little old me?
WIGGLE
Less'n you'd rather not.
DILBER (clutching at his sleeve)
I'll do it. What do I do.
ANNIE
It just sort of comes to you.
WIGGLE
Just do what seems right.
DILBER
Then here I am, and strike the clock one, and give me a
mountain of food! Turkeys and chickens and ducks and lambs and beeves
and sucklin' pigs; breads and cheeses and candy and cakes; cream and
milk and cold mountain water; steaming flagons of chocolate and
cider! And lights! And trees, with candles on 'em! And a pile of
presents there, and there. Oh, and music! Let the bells of Christmas
ring in the distance! And let children laugh!
Offstage laughter. ANNIE joins in.
DILBER
You hear that? I reckon now it's Christmas! It's
Christmas today! Now ring one-of-the-morning chimes, and wake old
Ebenezer Scrooge!
CLOCK chimes. SCROOGE wakes to sudden silence.
SCROOGE
One! Again! I must've slept through the day, and it's
time for the next spirit. (Looks around.) Wouldn't you know it. Late.
CHILDREN's laughter.
SCROOGE
What's that?
DILBER starts to laugh.
SCROOGE
It's laughter. The ghost of Christmas Present!
SCROOGE goes to where he can see her. He marvels at the imaginary feast.
DILBER
Ebenezer Scrooge.
SCROOGE
You're the ghost of Christmas Present?
DILBER
I was born tonight, to have twenty lifetimes of joy in
one short day!
SCROOGE
And then you die?
DILBER
Never! I live on in Christmas Past; didn't you meet
her? They told me you met her. Are we ahead of schedule?
SCROOGE
No, I met her last night.
DILBER
You'll have to bear with me, Ebenezer. I'm still a
child, and I have to fill my lungs and empty my head and laugh!
More laughter offstage.
DILBER
I'm just the teeniest bit irresponsible, you see.
SCROOGE (liking her)
I see indeed.
DILBER (Mock somber)
You're the man who called me a humbug.
SCROOGE
Oh. Spirit -- I --
DILBER
Well, I am! I'm a fraud! I'm joy in a world of sorrow,
hope in a world of despair. So, Mr. Scrooge (leaning close), Bah! I
say, Bah on your humbug!
SCROOGE (Laughing in spite of himself)
And so do I. Christmas
Past gave me a strong dose of bad-tasting medicine, but I've begun to
see what a fool I've been. So lead on, Spirit, and whatever medicine
you give, I'll be grateful for it.
DILBER Then look, and see the street! The street is the home of the poor, and a cold home it is. But tonight the walls open wide, and there's feasting even for the forgotten.
SCROOGE
That man, there! Isn't he freezing?
DILBER
He's got a warmth inside him -- which I admit is partly
ale -- but what a great part of it is me! Don't just stand there. We
have a world to cover!
SCROOGE
What a storm!
DILBER
It's dang cold out there. See that hut?
SCROOGE
Yes. But does someone live there?
DILBER
Two families of shepherds.
SCROOGE
Two! In that little pile of twigs?
DILBER
Look inside.
Sound of singing hymns.
DILBER
Those are smiles on their faces, Mr. Bah Humbug.
SCROOGE
What a beautiful song.
DILBER
Nonsense, Mr. Practical. They're all off key, and
they're making a perfect botch of the words.
SCROOGE
Oh, no. It's a cathedral, and there are angels in the
throng.
DILBER
Didn't think you'd notice, Mr. Down on Christmas.
SCROOGE
Don't taunt me, Spirit. I already regret every evil
word I ever said about Christmas.
DILBER
Not half enough. But come, I have only a night, and
you're wasting it with foolish conversation. Of course, I do talk a
bit, too.
PETER CRATCHIT runs in, chasing MATT, whooping and shrieking. They circle the Cratchits' table. MRS. CRATCHIT bustles in, carrying a stack of chipped plates with a pile of cheap tinware on top.
MRS. CRATCHIT
Quiet down, both of you! Set the table, please.
She bustles back out again, as they somberly begin to set the plates out on the table. But whenever they look at each other, they break up laughing.
DILBER
Do you know this place?
SCROOGE
I don't think so.
DILBER
Of course not. Mr. Pooh-On-Christmas. It's the home of
Bob Cratchit, your clerk. Never been here, have you?
SCROOGE
I had no idea it was so small.
DILBER
It costs half the wages you pay him, and food and
firewood take the other half.
PETER hears a noise, runs to the front door.
PETER
Mother! I hear Papa coming!
MRS. CRATCHIT
Oh, dear. The cake will fall, I know it. And Papa
home already.
MATT
Oh, it's not Papa!
MARTHA enters, pecks Peter on the cheek.
MARTHA
Sorry, only me!
MRS. CRATCHIT rushes from the kitchen and embraces her oldest daughter.
MRS. CRATCHIT
Oh, Martha. I'm so happy to see you!
HORACE (from kitchen)
The chicken! Momma!
MATT
Hurry!
MRS. CRATCHIT
The chicken, oh dear. Dear dear!
MRS. CRATCHIT rushes out. Peter, Matt, and Martha all stand at the kitchen door, peering offstage.
PETER
It isn't burnt?
HORACE (offstage)
Yes!
PETER
Oh, no!
MARTHA
Quiet, you little think-of-the-worsts! It's golden and
perfect.
HORACE (entering from kitchen)
I can taste it from here.
MRS. CRATCHIT
Now the chicken's out of the oven, where's your
Papa? And your brother, Tiny Tim. Where are they?
BOB and TINY TIM (singing offstage)
We wish you a merry
Christmas! We wish you a merry Christmas! We wish you a merry
Christmas, and a happy New Year!
MATT
Here they come!
MARTHA
Let's surprise them!
MARTHA hides behind a screen made by the bodies of PETER, HORACE AND MATT. BOB CRATCHIT and TINY TIM enter. BOB CRATCHIT tenderly places Tiny Tim on his stool at the head of the table.
BOB
Here we are!
TINY TIM
Now you can start having fun!
BOB
Why, where's our Martha?
MRS. CRATCHIT
Not coming.
BOB
Not coming!
MATT
Had to work!
BOB
No, they couldn't make her stay on Christmas Eve!
MARTHA
Here I am Papa!
BOB
Oh, if you ain't Bre'r Rabbit himself with your tricks!
Another hug.
MRS. CRATCHIT
Food's ready, so wash for table!
Laughter and bustling as Peter and Horace sweep Tiny Tim away.
MRS. CRATCHIT
And how did little Tim behave?
BOB
As good as gold. And better. Somehow he gets thoughtful,
sitting by himself so much, and thinks the strangest things you ever
heard. He told me, coming home, that he hoped the people saw him in
the church, because he was a cripple, and it might be pleasant to
them to remember, upon Christmas Day, who made lame beggars walk and
blind men see.
A brief communication between BOB and MRS. CRATCHIT, when TINY TIM's crutch is heard, and he races in followed by the others, laughing.
BOB
Up to the table, and not another squeak!
The chicken is brought in, with bread and cheese and other things.
BOB
What a chicken! Oh, Mrs. Cratchit, how glad I am I changed
your name.
TINY TIM
Grace, father.
BOB
I hadn't forgotten, dear.
ALL how their heads.
BOB
Our father, we are the richest family in the world, for we
are seven souls who love each other. Our happiness is more than we
deserve, and we thank you. And we thank you for your Son Jesus, He
who healed the sick and filled the hungry. If there are any in this
city that we can help, lead them to our door, we pray, for we have
plenty, and there are many with far less.
DILBER
You're the one they're praying for, you know, cause here
you are a-starving, and standing at their door.
BOB
Amen.
ALL echo, and are about to fall to, when MRS. CRATCHIT remembers and shrieks.
MRS. CRATCHIT
The squash!
A melee as the pudding is gone for and brought to the table.
BOB
What a squash!
PETER
Big as Tiny Tim's head, I reckon.
TINY TIM
Well, be careful, then.
MARTHA
We'd never harm a hair of you, Tim.
TINY TIM
Peter, did you get it?
PETER
Sh!
BOB
Get what?
TINY TIM
It.
MATT
Oh, Peter's got a --
MRS. CRATCHIT
Hush all. It's for Peter to tell Papa.
PETER
I have a job, Papa.
BOB
A job!
PETER
I'm going to be a clerk, too. At Cone Mills. And run
errands.
BOB (proudly)
Then you're a man indeed, son.
HORACE
Not till he's married.
PETER
Horace!
HORACE
Momma said a man's not a man till he's married!
MATT
Well, Ellie won't leave him alone for long, now.
PETER
I'm being picked on, Papa!
ALL laugh.
BOB
Hot punch, specialty of the house!
HORACE
A toast.
PETER
It ain't Christmas without a toast.
BOB
Well, then -- to Mr. Scrooge! The founder of the feast.
Dead silence.
MRS. CRATCHIT
Founder of the feast indeed. I wish I had him
here. I'd give him a piece of my mind to feast on, and I hope he'd
have a good appetite for it.
BOB
My dear, the children.
MRS. CRATCHIT
It'd have to be Christmas Eve, I reckon, to
drink the health of such a stingy, hard, unfeeling toad as Mr.
Scrooge. You know he is, Robert!
BOB
My dear. Christmas Eve.
MRS. CRATCHIT
I'll drink his health for your sake, and for the
day. Not for his. Long life to him! A merry Christmas and a happy New
Year! He'll be very merry and very happy, I have no doubt.
ALL drink half-heartedly, except TIM.
BOB
Tiny Tim.
TINY TIM grimaces at his punch, then sips a little. The OTHERS laugh.
BOB
Well, I see my toast has put a shadow in the room. So let
me give you another! A Merry Christmas to us all, my dears. God bless
us!
TINY TIM
God bless us, every one!
THEY drain the cups. Then TINY TIM begins to quietly sing "Away in a Manger."
SCROOGE
Can't they see how small that pudding is? And that
ridiculous little sparrow they call a chicken? The house is too
small, the furniture is falling apart.
DILBER
It's warm.
SCROOGE
Reckon it is that. Tell me, Spirit. Will Tiny
Tim live?
DILBER
That's future. Not my department. But let's see --
DILBER closes her eyes and grimaces. When she opens her eyes again, she looks sadly toward TINY TIM, who is still singing.
DILBER
I see an empty chair in the chimney corner, and a
crutch without an owner, carefully preserved. If the future doesn't
change, Tiny Tim will die.
SCROOGE
No. Oh, no, kind spirit. He can't --
DILBER
Why not? If he's going to die, let him do it, and
decrease the surplus population.
SCROOGE (long pause)
I wish to heaven I'd never said that.
DILBER
So do I. But let's get a move on, boy!
SCROOGE
Can't I hear him end his song?
DILBER
A good many verses to go, and I can't spare the time!
Come away, Mr. Humbug.
SCROOGE
Where are we going?
DILBER
Curiosity killed the cat, old man!
Burst of laughter. As SCROOGE and DILBER stand on the steps, a group of young women dash by, pursuing a young man holding a lady's shoe. Last in the group is a pretty woman limping with one shoe off.
AGATHA (Fred's wife and the slipperless woman)
Thomas Wyler,
give me back my slipper!
Enter FRED below.
AGATHA
Freddie, make him give me back my slipper!
FRED roars and seizes THOMAS by the ankles, upsetting him altogether. Then he retrieves the slipper and gives it to his wife.
FRED
We magi come bearing gifts. Gold, frankincense, and
slippers!
ALL laugh and start to break up as AGATHA puts on her slipper.
AGATHA
I'll put pebbles in your tea for this, Thomas!
THOMAS
I'd say she already does, regularly, wouldn't you, Fred?
FRED
Good evening and Merry Christmas, Agatha.
FRED kisses her. (Hug and peck)
AGATHA
How was today? Did you buy the last of the gifts?
FRED
Are the little monsters all tucked in their beds?
AGATHA
I'm sure they'll go right to sleep -- with all this racket down here.
FRED
Ah, but Christmas is for friends! And we're wealthy in
them. I invited Uncle to dinner tomorrow.
AGATHA
No! Fred --
FRED
But he turned me down.
AGATHA
That's a relief.
FRED
Now, Agatha.
AGATHA
He's such a deadly man. Why did you even go see him?
FRED
To wish him a merry Christmas. He said that Christmas was
a humbug! He believed it, too!
THOMAS
Who said that?
FRED
My Uncle Ebenezer.
THOMAS
Scrooge?
RENA
What did he say?
THOMAS
That Christmas is a humbug.
Laugher as AGATHA goes on.
AGATHA
More shame for him, Fred!
FRED
He's a funny old coot, that's the truth. And not as nice
as he might be. But his bad habits carry their own punishment, and I
have nothing to say against him.
THOMAS
I hear he's rich!
AGATHA
At least Fred always tells me so!
FRED
So what? He doesn't do anything with it. He doesn't make
himself comfortable with it. He doesn't even have the satisfaction of
thinking -- ha! -- that he's ever going to benefit us with it.
AGATHA
I have no patience with him!
General agreement.
FRED
Oh, I have, I'm sorry for him -- I couldn't be angry with
him if I tried. Who suffers by his bad temper? Himself, always. Here
he takes it into his head to dislike us, and he won't come and dine
with us tomorrow. What's the consequences? He loses a marvelous
dinner and dines alone on his own bad humor!
Applause and they laughingly settle into a game as:
DILBER
Is he right? Or not?
SCROOGE
You don't have to throw my morals at me. I get the
picture pretty good on my own. But let me stay a minute -- look,
they're starting up a game!
The game is "Twenty Questions."
FRED
All right! All right -- I'm think of something!
THOMAS
No fair. Narrow it down -- animal, vegetable, or
mineral?
FRED
Definitely animal.
RENA
Is it a bear?
FRED
No.
THOMAS
You don't do it that way, you narrow it down, like this
-- is it ferocious?
FRED
Oh, yes. That's two!
AGATHA
Does it live in America?
FRED
Yes. Three.
RENA
Is it in the circus?
FRED
Never. Four.
EDWARD
Does it walk on four legs or two?
THOMAS
How can he answer yes or no to that?
LUCRETIA
I thought it was a very good question.
AGATHA
Does one live in Greensboro?
FRED
Yes.
RENA
In a stable?
FRED (Bursts out laughing)
No!
RENA
What's so funny about that? Do you see it walking around
the streets?
FRED (Suppressing a smile)
Yes.
AGATHA
I thought it was ferocious.
LUCRETIA
Is it a lion?
THOMAS
On the streets?
FRED
No.
THOMAS
See?
LUCRETIA
Maybe it escaped.
FRED
You've only got twelve questions.
RENA
Is it a bull? They're ferocious.
FRED (Laughing)
No!
THOMAS
A dog?
FRED
No.
AGATHA
Is it slaughtered in the market?
FRED
Never. (Laughs) But it slaughters others! No, that isn't
fair, it'll only mislead you.
THOMAS
Slaughters others? A cat?
FRED
No. I said it would throw you off.
EDWARD
Is it a pig?
FRED
No! Seven left.
THOMAS
Pigs are slaughtered in the market.
LUCRETIA
I saw one once that was ferocious.
AGATHA
Must you know everything, Thomas?
THOMAS
No, but your scoundrel husband is set to slaughter us,
and I can't bear to see him win. He'd be so smug.
EDWARD
Is it a mule?
FRED (Whoops, and rolls on the floor with laughter)
EDWARD
Well is it?
FRED
No! Oh, I can't stand it!
THOMAS
I told you he'd be smug.
FRED
I'm not smug. I'm hysterical!
THOMAS
Well, is it displayed for entertainment?
FRED (Another laugh)
No! Five left.
LUCRETIA
Does it growl?
FRED (Giggles)
Yes.
LUCRETIA (To Thomas)
There.
RENA
Does it grunt?
FRED (Howls)
Yes. Three to go!
EDWARD
Is it expensive?
FRED
Terribly.
AGATHA
Does it live in a house?
FRED
Yes. One to go! I've got you!
THOMAS
Not me, yet. Don't anyone ask the last question till
we're sure. (long pause) Ferocious, isn't butchered, grunts and
growls, isn't displayed, walks the streets -
EDWARD
Expensive.
RENA
Not a bear, or a lion.
FRED howls and rolls on the floor.
AGATHA
That's hardly polite, Fred.
FRED ignores her and beats the floor.
RENA
Wait a minute! I know it! I know it! Oh, it's marvelous!
You're a genius. Oh, Fred!
LUCRETIA
What is it?
FRED
Yes, what's your guess?
RENA
It's your uncle Scro-o-o-o-oge!
ALL
Yes! Yes! Wonderful! Perfect!
They ALL applaud, roar with laughter.
AGATHA
I think -- I think it should have counted when someone
guessed a bear!
More laughter, SCROOGE applauding.
FRED
Well, he's given us plenty of merriment, and it would be
ungrateful not to wish him well. So I say, a cheer for Uncle Scrooge!
ALL
Bravo! Uncle Scrooge!
FRED
A Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year to the old man,
whatever he is!
SCROOGE
Thank you!
FRED
He wouldn't take it from me, but may he have it,
nevertheless. Uncle Scrooge!
AGATHA
And I say, supper's at the table, even if we are not!
EDWARD
Supper!
THOMAS
Do I go alone, or will a woman grace my arm!
ALL exit, THOMAS and RENA last.
THOMAS
How did you figure it out?
RENA
I'll teach you my method someday, though I doubt you'd
catch on fast!
THOMAS
My heart is broken.
THOMAS offers her his arm, and they exit laughing.
SCROOGE
Oh, marvelous; oh, merry, merry Christmas! What a
night, what a marvelous night.
SCROOGE starts to follow them to supper.
DILBER
Where do you think you're going?
SCROOGE
It's Christmas!
DILBER
Every idiot who goes about with "Merry Christmas"
on his lips should be hung from his own Christmas tree and buried
with a stake of holly through his heart.
SCROOGE
Oh, Spirit, I know it, I was a fool! But now -- it's
Christmas!
DILBER
No! Good cheer in you is not enough. You'd wake up in
the morning and think it was a foolish dream, and be back to your
nasty, miserly, stingy, rude, cold, unkind, abrupt, ill-mannered,
foul-humoured self in half an hour.
SCROOGE (petulantly)
I would not!
DILBER
Oh you wouldn't, would you? The third ghost will tell
you what you will and will not. I've wasted half the night with you,
and I'm done!
Starts to exit.
DILBER
Oh dear!
Returns.
DILBER
I forgot.
Snaps her fingers, and he falls on the bed.
ANNIE
Oh, Mrs. Dilber, what a Christmas you make!
DILBER
Was it good?
WIGGLE
Best dang Christmas I ever saw.
DILBER
Well, then, I guess I done all right. What's next?
ANNIE
Christmas future!
DILBER
Go ahead, then!
ANNIE
Who?
DILBER
Why -- Ben Wiggle, who's to do Christmas future?
There is a crash. Old Joe's table has fallen over, and OLD JOE is getting up.
WIGGLE (whisper)
Old Joe.
DILBER (whisper)
What's he doin'?
WIGGLE
He's gettin' up.
DILBER
I can see that.
ANNIE
He wants to do Christmas future.
DILBER
Not him.
WIGGLE
Why not?
OLD JOE holds up his hands, and ANNIE puts a long cloth in them. He cowls it over his head.
DILBER
He looks like warmed over death.
WIGGLE
That's right. Now hush your mouth, girl.
OLD JOE walks toward Scrooge.
Dim light up on SCROOGE, snoring. The shape of OLD JOE can be barely seen, standing rigidly. SCROOGE wakes himself up with a loud snort.
SCROOGE (yawns)
How long have I been asleep?
The CLOCK begins to strike. SCROOGE counts.
SCROOGE
Twelve o'clock. Midnight, I guess.
SCROOGE notices OLD JOE, scrambles to far corners of bed with bedclothes gathered up tight.
SCROOGE
Then it wasn't a dream! You -- I beg your pardon --
are you the Ghost of Christmases yet to come?
OLD JOE points the direction to go.
SCROOGE
I reckon you've come to show me things that haven't
happened yet. I should have most hope in you, but you're the spirit I
fear the most. Won't you speak to me? (pause) Then lead on.
THEY move toward Mrs. ROCKWELL, Mrs. BULLWICK, and Mrs. GILBERT talking and laughing.
ROCKWELL
I can't say I know much about it either way. I only
know he's dead. Last night.
BULLWICK
What was the matter with him? I never even heard that
he was ill.
ROCKWELL
I never heard he was healthy, either.
GILBERT
What about the one thing anybody really cares about?
What has he done with his money?
BULLWICK
I haven't heard.
ROCKWELL
He didn't leave it to me. That's all I know.
Laughter.
GILBERT
I expect it'll be a cheap funeral. Won't have to have a
big room, since I can't think of a soul who's fixin' to go.
BULLWICK (ever the sweet one)
We could make up a party, and
volunteer.
GILBERT
I don't mind going if they serve lunch. But it better
be a good feed, or it ain't worth the trip.
BULLWICK
Well, I'm going, lunch or no lunch. It's only decent.
ROCKWELL
Come to think of it, you may have been his best
friend, Mrs. Bullwick. I remember clearly one time when he nodded to
you when we passed him on the street. (Laugh.) Good night. And Merry
Christmas!
BULLWICK & GILBERT
Merry Christmas!
THEY disperse.
SCROOGE
Why did you show me this, Spirit? Those ladies ain't
got much sympathy for the dead, I s'pose, but what does that have to
do with me?
OLD JOE points. ANNIE is just entering to see an empty chair. She sees OLD JOE's hat, puts it on, sits in his chair. MRS. DILBER enters.
DILBER
Old Joe, have I got a bundle of rags for you! You're
gonna pay triple for these, I reckon -- Annie, you nasty girl, ain't
you got no manners? I slave upstairs with my arms full, hopin' to get
paid for what I found, and it's only you playin' Santa Claus in Old
Joe's chair!
ANNIE
He isn't here!
DILBER
You don't say! Where is he, then?
ANNIE
He got run over by the Danville train.
Enter WIGGLE.
DILBER
Then where am I s'posed to sell these things?
WIGGLE
Since when do you believe a lyin' deceitful little brat
like her? If a train ever hits him, it'll probably de-rail and Old
Joe'll just walk away.
ANNIE
I think Old Joe's been dead for years. He just keeps
walking around outta meanness!
WIGGLE
If meanness never died, I wouldn't've got me a gold
watch off the corpse I dressed out today. He was the nastiest man in
Greensboro, and Greensboro's got a fair share of nasty men.
DILBER
Whoever do you mean?
WIGGLE
You know who I mean. That's right, Mrs. Dilber, I saw
you and Annie both skulking outside the house of death. Buzzards you
are.
DILBER
And you're a little bluebird, I suppose?
WIGGLE
I come by my wages as a honest undertaker! In fact, I
do such fine work, I know my customers'd give me a tip, iffen they
could -and since they can't, I do 'em a favor, and take the tip
myself. (Tosses the watch up and catches it.)
ANNIE
You're a thief in wolf's clothing!
DILBER
Such a bright child.
WIGGLE
What I want to know is, what did y'all get?
DILBER
What's it to you?
WIGGLE
I'm not here to pick holes in you. If he ever made a
single friend in his life, he would've had a whole bunch of people by
his coffin, weepin' and moanin', and we never would've got a thing.
But he didn't have him a single friend, on account of he never done
good for a soul in his miserable cantankerous life. But at least the
stuff he left behind is doin' good for us. Who knows? Maybe
we're pavin' his way to heaven!
ANNIE
Talk talk.
DILBER
You are the soul of charity.
WIGGLE
So what've you got in the bag?
DILBER
I reckon I'm Santa Claus! Here's a toy.
ANNIE
You took his blanket!
DILBER
He's cold with it or without!
WIGGLE (holds the blanket away from himself)
He didn't die of
anything catching, did he?
DILBER
Do you think I'm dumb or something? I wasn't so fond of
his company I would've got near him if he was catching!
WIGGLE
I see you got some of his shirts, too.
DILBER
Only four, but they're hardly used. I think he only
wore the one.
WIGGLE
And I got that! (Produces it) They was
going to waste it!
ANNIE
What do you mean waste it?
WIGGLE
They was going to put it in the ground with him.
DILBER
So what's he gettin' buried in?
WIGGLE
I
put one of my old shirts on him!
ANNIE Now that's really lowdown.
WIGGLE
What do you mean? I gave him the shirt off
my back!
ANNIE
Look -- she got his curtains!
DILBER
Yes,
and I reckon they'll bring a good price!
WIGGLE
You mean you took down the bed-curtains, rings and all,
with him lyin' there?
DILBER
Yes. Why not?
WIGGLE
You were born to make your fortune, Mrs. Dilber!
ANNIE
I've got better than either of you! Under his floorboards
I found this. (Hold out a banknote)
WIGGLE
A dollar bill. Not bad, for a little girl. But I got me
a lot more than that in bric-a-brac.
ANNIE
Are you such a fool you think I'd show you more than
one?
DILBER
There's more money?
WIGGLE
My dear sweet little orphan girl who doesn't have a
soul in the world to protect you, let me help you count it.
DILBER
Don't let him touch it, Annie, or you'll never see it
again. I'll guard it for you.
WIGGLE
And suddenly you're an angel from heaven, is that it?
DILBER
I ain't sayin' I'm no angel, but I sure ain't the sort
that'd steal from a helpless little orphan girl!
As they quarrel, ANNIE steals out the door -- with Dilber's bag.
WIGGLE
Am I a thief? I, whose hands ain't never done no harm,
but only helped people on their way to eternal peace?
DILBER
Peace and poverty! You're a thief and a nincompoop!
WIGGLE
Who you calling names, unh? Who you calling a nickum
-nookupim --poopumkik -- thief?
DILBER
Oh! My bag! Where is it?
WIGGLE
With that sweet little orphan girl you love so dear.
DILBER
Annie, that little brat! Where is she?
WIGGLE
Down the stairs and halfway to Winston by now.
DILBER (bellowing as she races out the door)
Thief! Stop her!
I've been robbed! Help. Help!
She is gone, and WIGGLE rolls laughing on the floor. SCROOGE turns away.
SCROOGE
I see, Spirit. The case of this unhappy, friendless
man might be my own. My life tends that way now. But if there is any
person in this city who feels emotion because of this man's death,
show me that person, please.
The SPIRIT points as a young woman comes in to greet her worried mother.
AGNES
Good evening, Mama.
CAROLINE
Is it good or bad?
AGNES
Some folks might call it that.
CAROLINE
We're bankrupt, then?
AGNES
No, Mama. They's still hope.
CAROLINE
There's always hope, I suppose. If he relents.
If he learns charity. But there's miracles in the streets
again if he turns decent.
AGNES
He won't turn decent or anything else. He's dead.
CAROLINE is overwhelmingly relieved.
CAROLINE
May the Lord forgive me! But I'm glad to hear it! Who
do we owe the money to now?
AGNES
I don't know. By the time somebody comes to collect,
we'll have the money. And even if we don't, I reckon nobody
could be as merciless a creditor as he was. We can sleep easy
tonight, Mama.
AGNES and CAROLINE laugh and embrace and then exit.
SCROOGE
Let me see some tenderness connected with a death,
Spirit, or my repentance will turn to terror.
A VOICE is heard, then lights up on the CRATCHIT FAMILY, except for Bob and Tiny Tim.
PETER (reading)
And he took a child, and set him in the midst
of them.
MRS. CRATCHIT (pretending not to cry)
Oh, my. This close work
hurts my eyes. Ah, they're better now. I wouldn't show weak eyes to
your father when he comes home, for all the world.
HORACE
He's late.
MATT
I think he's been walking a little slower than he used to
ever since
PETER
These last few days, anyhow.
MRS. CRATCHIT
I've known him to walk with . . . With Tiny Tim
on his shoulder I've known him to walk real fast.
HORACE
Me, too, Mama! All the time!
MARTHA
So
have I.
MATT
Me, too.
MRS. CRATCHIT
But he was very light to carry, and his father
loved him so, that it was no trouble. Welcome home, Robert.
MRS. CRATCHIT hurries to meet him. BOB comes in and ALL hug him tenderly, silently.
BOB
Good evening, my dears. Oh, that's good work. That's fine
work. It'll be done in plenty of time, long before Sunday.
MRS. CRATCHIT
Sunday! You went today, then, Robert?
BOB
Yes, my dear. I wish you could have gone. It would have
done you good to see how green a place it is. But you'll see it
often. I promised him that I'd take my walk there every Sunday. My
little, little boy. (Breaks down.) My little boy.
MRS. CRATCHIT (suddenly strong)
My dear.
BOB sits down, and calms himself.
BOB
I'm sorry. A warm fire melts me a little, I guess. Did you
set the fire, Peter?
PETER
I did, Papa.
BOB
Well, you were wise to have a good, big one. Isn't the
house warm? And on such a cold Christmas Eve. Fine words will be said
on Sunday, my dears. But these are the only words that count: "I
am the resurrection and the life."
MATT
What about: "Suffer little children to come unto
me"?
BOB (giving him a hug)
Those are good words, too.
HORACE (getting a hug on the other side)
Christmas was always
Tiny Tim's favorite time of year.
BOB
Do you know who I saw today? Of all people, Mr. Scrooge's
nephew. I reckon I ain't seen him but once, but he recognized me on
the street. And seeing how I looked just a little down, you know, he
asked why I wasn't happy at Christmas time. I told him our sorrow,
and he said, "I'm right sorry for it, Mr. Cratchit, and right
sorry for your good wife." By the way, how did he know that?
MRS. CRATCHIT
Know what?
BOB
Why, that you're a good wife.
PETER
Everybody knows that.
BOB
Very well said, my boy. Anyway, Scrooge's nephew, he says, "You just let me know if I can do anything for you," and he give me his card and he says, "That's where I live. Please come see me." Now, it wasn't for the sake of anything he might do for us, because we're not in want -- he just has kindly ways. He really seemed as sorry as if he'd known our Tiny Tim, and felt with us.
MRS. CRATCHIT
I'm sure he's a good soul!
BOB
Since he works at the mills, I wouldn't be a bit surprised
if he started looking out for Peter, and maybe help him get on in his
career.
MRS. CRATCHIT
Did you hear that, Peter?
MATT
And then Peter will get married and set up for himself.
PETER
Get along!
BOB
Likely as not, one of these days, though I reckon there's
plenty of time for that, Matt. But however and whenever we do part,
as families are meant to do, I'm sure we'll none of us forget poor
Tiny Tim, or this first parting that there was among us?
ALL (ad lib)
Never, father. I'll never forget. We'll always
remember.
BOB
And I know, my dears, that when we remember how patient and
how mild he was, we won't get to quarreling among ourselves, and
forget our Tiny Tim in doing it.
ALL (ad lib)
No, father. Never.
BOB Then I'm happy. I'm very happy.
BOB hugs Matt and Horace as MRS. CRATCHIT takes Peter's and Martha's hands. DIM OUT.
SCROOGE
It's kind, sweet people that folks mourn for when they
die. And even in dying, this little boy brought a kind of joy to his
family. I have learned much, Spirit. But I have to know something
more. Couldn't you let me know who was that man who died without a
friend in the world?
OLD JOE points.
SCROOGE
A cemetery. This is where he's buried, now? The mist
makes the stones look like debris floating on a lake. Is that what we
are, Spirit? Or can we change? Can a man like me change?
OLD JOE points.
SCROOGE
Spirit, before I read that headstone, you've got to
tell me -- are these things we've seen the future that must
be, or only the future that might be? I mean, if a man should
change in his heart, couldn't he change his future?
No answer. SCROOGE approaches the stone.
SCROOGE
No, Spirit! Oh, no, no! It can't be me that's buried
here!
OLD JOE points at Scrooge and at the tomb.
SCROOGE
Spirit, listen to me! I ain't the man I was. I will
not be the man I would have been! Why did y'all show me all
this, if I got no hope!
OLD JOE raises his arm. SCROOGE is standing by his bed.
SCROOGE
Good spirit, tell me I can still change this future
you've shown me! I'll honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep it
all the year. I'll live in the Past, Present, and Future. I won't
shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me I can wipe away the
writing on this stone!
SCROOGE catches Old Joe's hand, and a brief tug-of-war takes place. OLD JOE finally frees his hand, snaps his fingers, and storms away. SCROOGE collapses on the bed as OLD JOE casts away his cowl and resumes his seat. THE OTHERS go to Scrooge, cover him, then come back.
ANNIE
So he did change.
DILBER
We knew he did.
WIGGLE
That's why we ain't what Scrooge saw us
be, neither.
ANNIE
But what happened? If the future has changed, what
happened to Tiny Tim, and Bob Cratchit, and Fred and Agatha, and
everyone. And was Scrooge kind and happy --
DILBER
Listen to this girl!
WIGGLE
Now don't you go telling me you don't want to
know!
DILBER
What if I do?
ANNIE
Tell us, Ben Wiggle.
WIGGLE
Then we'll have it be morning.
WIGGLE snaps his fingers, and SCROOGE leaps from his bed.
SCROOGE
I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future!
The spirits of all three will dwell within me!
Looks around.
SCROOGE
O Jacob Marley! I'm still alive! Heaven and
Christmastime be praised for this! I say it on my knees, old Jacob,
on my knees!
SCROOGE holds his bed-curtains.
SCROOGE
My bed-curtains. They ain't tore down. They're here,
and the future can still be changed. And I'll change it. I will! I
don't know what to do. I'm as light as a feather, I'm as happy as an
angel, I'm as silly as a schoolboy. A Merry Christmas to everybody! A
Happy New Year to all the world! Boy howdy! Whee-haw!
Putting on his shoes.
SCROOGE
I don't know what day of the month it is! I don't know
anything. My mind's as blank as a baby. Never mind. I don't care. I'd
rather be a baby.
CHURCH BELLS ring.
SCROOGE
Church bells ringin'. Then today -- today --
Runs to a window, calls to an URCHIN below.
SCROOGE
What's today, girl!
URCHIN
What?
SCROOGE
What's today, my fine young lady?
URCHIN
Today? Don't you know? It's Christmas Day!
SCROOGE
Christmas Day. I haven't missed it. The Spirits have
done it all in one night. They can do anything they like! Of course
they can. Hey, young lady!
URCHIN
Hey.
SCROOGE
Do you know the butcher shop, one street up, at the
corner?
URCHIN
I reckon I do!
SCROOGE
An intelligent girl! A remarkable girl! Do you know
whether they've sold that big old ham that was hanging up there? Not
the little one, the big one.
URCHIN
You mean the one as big as me?
SCROOGE
What a delightful girl. It's a pleasure talking to her.
Yes, little lady!
URCHIN
It's hanging there now.
SCROOGE
It is! Well, go and buy it.
URCHIN
You been drinkin' or what?
SCROOGE
No, no, I mean it! Go and buy it, and tell 'em to bring
it here, and I'll give 'em directions on where to deliver it. Come
back with the butcher and I'll give you a quarter. Come back in less
than five minutes, and I'll give you fifty cents!
URCHIN
Yes, sir!
SCROOGE
I'll send it to Bob Cratchit's! He won't have the
foggiest idea who sent it. It's twice the size of Tiny Tim!
SCROOGE
goes down to the door, and looks at the
knocker.
SCROOGE
Hey, you old door knocker. I reckon I'm going to love
you as long as I live! You got an honest face, and that's the truth.
Oh, here's the ham! I reckon that must've come off two hogs.
SCROOGE exits.
WIGGLE
After he sent the ham off to Cratchits' he took off
walking --
SCROOGE puffs on and runs into BULLWICK and ROCKWELL.
BULLWICK
Pardon me --
ROCKWELL
I beg your pardon!
SCROOGE
My fault, my fault! I'm blundering around like a boy
today -Why, you're the ladies who came to my office yesterday! How do
you do? I hope you succeeded yesterday. It was very kind of you to be
collecting money for such a worthy cause. A Merry Christmas to you,
ladies!
ROCKWELL
Mr.
Scrooge?
SCROOGE
Yes, that's my name, and it ain't a pleasant one to
you, I can see. I ask your pardon. And I hope you'll have the
goodness to put me down for --
SCROOGE whispers to them.
BULLWICK
Lord bless you!
ROCKWELL
(ever suspicious) Mr. Scrooge, are you serious?
SCROOGE
Not a penny less. I'm including a great many back
payments in that total, I can promise you. Will you do me that favor?
BULLWICK
My dear sir, I don't know what to say to such
munificence --
SCROOGE
Then don't say a thing. Just come and see me. Will you
come and see me?
BULLWICK
We will.
ROCKWELL
And thank you.
SCROOGE
I'm in your debt. What a pleasure to repay.
Merry Christmas, ladies!
ROCKWELL
Has he lost his mind? That's more than all the rest
combined.
BULLWICK
If he's crazy, may the good lord make us all lunatics.
(Grabs Rockwell's hands.) Merry Christmas!
BULLWICK and ROCKWELL exit.
WIGGLE
And then a knock at the door at nephew Fred's house.
AGATHA
Who could it be? Do answer it, Fred.
FRED
Probably a beggar.
AGATHA
Now, Fred, don't give more than we can afford!
FRED opens the door on Scrooge.
FRED
Uncle Ebenezer!
SCROOGE
Fred! Merry Christmas! May I come in?
FRED
Of course -- I -- I was confused, you see, -- I -
SCROOGE
I was the last person you ever thought to see on these
steps, is that it? Well, I'm surprised, too. But I've come, and now
where's that dinner you told me about?
FRED
Upstairs. We just sat down!
SCROOGE
Lead me to it. I'm starving.
SCROOGE crosses past Fred, but Fred catches his shoulder, holds out his hands in greeting.
FRED
Uncle Ebenezer. Welcome!
SCROOGE
(embraces him) Well come indeed. And about time. I
don't believe I ever met your lovely wife.
FRED (as they exit)
Agatha! You'll never guess who's come to
dinner, after all.
FRED and SCROOGE exit.
WIGGLE
And he had a Merry Christmas indeed.
ANNIE
But, Ben Wiggle, that can't be the end!
WIGGLE
Patience, Annie Flammer. The next morning he got to the
office early, and sat there waiting, watching the clock. At eight
o'clock Bob Cratchit wasn't there, nor at five after, nor at ten. Not
till eight-fifteen did Bob Cratchit come.
CRATCHIT scurries in, and without taking off his coat, starts to scribble furiously.
SCROOGE
Good evening.
BOB
Good morning, sir.
SCROOGE
I say good evening. Or should it be good night?
What do you mean coming in this hour of the day?
BOB
I'm very sorry, sir. I am a little bit late.
SCROOGE
You are? Yes, I think you are. Step this way, sir, if
you please.
BOB
It's only once a year. It won't happen again. I was making
merry, yesterday, sir, and we stayed up late, and I overslept this
morning, and --
SCROOGE
Now I'll tell you what, my friend. I'm not going to
stand this sort of thing any longer. And therefore -- and therefore
-- I'm going to raise your salary!
BOB is dumbfounded.
BOB
Say what?
SCROOGE
A Merry Christmas, Bob! A merrier Christmas, Bob, my
good fellow, than I've given you for many a year! I'll raise your
salary, and help your struggling family, and we'll discuss your
affairs this very afternoon, over a plate of barbeque. Now make up
the fires, and buy another coal shuttle before you dot another I,
Bob Cratchit!
BOB
Yes sir!
BOB exits, re-enters.
BOB
Thank you, sir!
BOB exits and SCROOGE laughs and laughs as the lights go down on him.
WIGGLE
And Tiny Tim is still livin', Annie, even though Scrooge
himself has passed on to his reward -- but as we know all too
well, he died with more friends than any other man I ever heard of.
DILBER
Ben Wiggle, you're a master.
WIGGLE
I reckon it was a pretty good yarn.
ANNIE
And it's true, too.
WIGGLE
Sure enough, Annie, every word!
DILBER
Well, it makes up in cheer for what I lack in cash, so
I thank you kindly.
OLD JOE stamps. THEY turn to him. He fumbles a bag out of his coat, and fishes for several bills. He hands two to each of them.
DILBER
Ten bucks!
WIGGLE
Two fivers! Oh, sir. If that ain't the nicest surprise!
DILBER
Surprise surprise surprise, it's Christmas after all!
Good-bye!
WIGGLE
Good-bye! Oh, open wide your doors, Greensboro, a rich
man is on his way!
DILBER and WIGGLE exit. ANNIE exits, too, but stops herself, runs back to Old Joe, and hugs him.
ANNIE
Merry Christmas. And God bless you, sir!
ANNIE kisses his cheek, and exits, running. OLD JOE sits alone, nodding until the lights go out.
end