SURPRISES ON TAP?

_July 12, 2037 (UPI)_  Coach Rattler Renfro, in his initial press 
conference, has promised fans that his Chicago Bears, coming off a 
pair of 1-and-15 seasons, will sport a new look this season. When 
asked to explain why training camp will be closed to both the 
press and the public, Renfro merely smiled and said, "No comment."
 

                       BEARS TAKE OPENER, 76-0

_September 4, 2037 (AP)_  The "New Look" Chicago Bears made their 
debut this afternoon, beating last year's Super Bowl winners, the 
North Dakota Timberwolves, by a league-record score of 76-0. The 
Timberwolves were a 22-point favorite.
     Coach Rattler Renfro unveiled an all-new offensive line, 
consisting of five rookies, all free agents who had never played 
organized football before. They are right tackle Jumbo Smith 
(8'4", 603 pounds), right guard Willie "The Whale" McPherson 
(7'10", 566 pounds), center Hannibal Cohen (8'3", 622 pounds), 
left guard Mountain O'Mara (7'8", 559 pounds), and the biggest of 
them all, right tackle Tiny Tackenheim (8'7", 701 pounds). 
     "Hell, _I_ could have run through the holes those guys made," 
said Timberwolves coach Rocket Ryan. "I don't know where Renfro 
recruited them, but they're just awesome."
     After three decades in eclipse, it looks like the Bears are 
once again the Monsters of the Midway.
 

                 BEARS WIN FOURTH STRAIGHT, 88-7 

_October 2, 2037 (AP)_  "Those guys just ain't human!" said 
Montana Buttes' linebacker Jocko Schmidt from his hospital bed, 
after his team had suffered an 88-7 mauling at the hands of the 
Chicago Bears. "That Tackenheim ought to be in a zoo, not on a 
football field!"
 

                    NFL INVESTIGATES CHARGES

_October 24, 2037 (UPI)_  The National Football League has 
announced they they are probing into an alleged connection between 
Nobel Prize winner Dr. Alfredo Rathermann and the Chicago Bears. 
Rathermann, who won his award for his pioneering work in the 
animation of dead tissue, was unavailable for comment. 
     George Halas VI, owner and general manager of the Bears, who 
lead their division with a 7-0 record, termed the allegations 
"ridiculous". 

               BEARS CLINCH TITLE, LOOK TO SUPER BOWL 

_December 25, 2037 (UPI)_  The Chicago Bears celebrated Christmas 
with a 68-3 thrashing of the Mississippi Riverboats, thus becoming 
the first NFL team this century to conclude its regular-season 
schedule unbeaten and untied. The Monsters of the Midway looked 
awesome as the offensive line opened up hole after hole for 
Chicago's running backs. 
     Coach Rattler Renfro, in his post-game press conference, 
praised the Riverboats and said that he was looking forward to the 
playoffs. When questioned about the ongoing investigation of the 
dealings between the Bears and Dr. Alfredo Rathermann, he simply 
shrugged and said, "Hey, I'm just a coach. You'll have to speak to 
the Commissioner about that." 
 

                  RATHERMANN ADMITS ALL!

_December 28, 2037 (UPI)_  Nobel Prize laureate Alfredo Rathermann 
held a joint press conference with Roger Jamison, Commissioner of 
the National Football League, and admitted that the five starting 
members of the Chicago Bears' offensive line are actually 
scientific constructs, created from bits and pieces of other human 
beings. 
     This revelation seemed certain to win another Nobel for Dr. 
Rathermann, but the more important issue of whether linemen Smith, 
McPherson, Cohen, O'Mara, and Tackenheim will be allowed to 
compete in the upcoming NFL playoffs remains undecided at present. 
Commissioner Jamison promised a ruling before the Bears meet the  
Las Vegas Gamblers in eleven days.
 

                     NFL RULES ON "MONSTERS"

_January 3, 2038 (AP)_  Commissioner Roger Jamison held a press 
conference this morning, in which he outlined the NFL's policy on 
the Chicago Bears' offensive line.           
     "After extended meetings with our attorneys and the NFL 
Players Union, we have amended the rules to state that football is 
a game played by natural-born human beings," said Commissioner 
Jamison. "If we were to permit an endless string of Dr. 
Rathermann's creations to play in the NFL, the day would soon 
arrive when not a single natural-born human could make an NFL 
roster, and while it would certainly make the games more exciting, 
we question whether the public is ready for such a change at this 
time. 
     "However," he added, "our attorneys inform us that we have no 
legal basis for denying Smith, McPherson, Cohen, O'Mara, and 
Tackenheim the right to play in this season's post-season 
competition, since the rule was changed after they made the Bears' 
roster." 
     The owners of the 47 other NFL teams have filed an official 
protest, demanding that the players in question be barred from the 
upcoming playoffs. 
 

                  BEARS WIN 77-10, SUPER BOWL NEXT

_January 15, 2038 (UPI)_  The Chicago Bears beat the Hawaii 
Volcanos 77-10 this afternoon to advance to the Super Bowl. They 
overcame a 10-0 first-quarter deficit after the Supreme Court 
overturned the injunction barring linemen Smith, McPherson, Cohen, 
O'Mara and Tackenheim from playing. The ruling came down at 1:37 
PM, and the Bears took the lead, never to relinquish it, at 1:43 
PM. 
 

               "MONSTERS DON'T SCARE US," SAYS McNAB

_January 22, 2038 (UPI)_  With the Super Bowl only a week away, 
and the Chicago Bears a 45-point favorite, Coach Terry McNab of 
the Alaskan Malamutes said that his team didn't fear the Monsters 
of the Midway, and looked forward to the challenge. 
     When asked how his defensive line, which will be giving away 
an average of 327 pounds per man, would cope with their offensive 
counterparts on the Bears, he merely smiled and said that he was 
working on a strategy. 
     The Bears are expected to be 50-point favorites by the 
opening kickoff.
 

                        McNAB MISSES PRACTICE

_January 24, 2038 (UPI)_  Coach Terry McNab was missing from the 
Alaskan Malamutes' practice this afternoon. Club officials had no 
comment. 
 

                        RATHERMAN RESURFACES

_January 26, 2038 (UPI)_  Nobel Prize winner Alfredo Rathermann, 
who had been in seclusion since December 28, was spotted sitting 
in the stands, watching the Alaskan Malamutes prepare for their 
Super Bowl meeting with the Chicago Bears. 
     When asked if he had a rooting interest in the game, 
Rathermann replied that his interest was "strictly professional". 
He was later seen having dinner with Coach McNab and the owners of 
the Malamutes. 
 

           BEARS GO TO COURT TO BAR McNAB FROM SUPER BOWL 

_January 28, 2038 (AP)_  With the revelation that Coach Terry 
McNab's skull now houses two brains -- his own and that of 
Profession Steven Hawkings, which had been cyrogenically frozen 
upon his death in 1998 -- the Chicago Bears went to court in an 
attempt to stop McNab from appearing on the sidelines during 
tomorrow's Super Bowl. 
     McNab's physician, Dr. Alfredo Rathermann, called the Bears 
ownership "poor sportsmen" and pointed out that since McNab will 
not be playing, his presence will not break the NFL's 
controversial new policy. 
     "Besides," said McNab as a hastily-called press conference, 
"I'm still the same 183-pound 57-year-old man I was last week. How 
can sharing the late Dr. Hawkings' brain pose a threat to the 
Bears? Do _I_ look like a Monster of the Midway?"
 

              COURT RULES FOR McNAB

_January 28, 2038 (UPI)_  The U.S. District Court ruled that Coach 
Terry McNab's presence will not conflict with stated NFL policy, 
and that he will be allowed on the field when his Alaskan 
Malamutes, who are 53-point underdogs, meet the Chicago Bears in 
tomorrow's Super Bowl. 
 

                MALAMUTES UPSET BEARS, 7-3

_January 29, 2938 (AP)_  In one of the great upsets of all time, 
the Alaskan Malamutes beat the Chicago Bears 7-3 in Super Bowl 
LXXIII. 
     Using unorthodox formations and attacking from strange 
angles, the Malamutes' new "Vector Defense" smothered the 
supposedly-unstoppable Bears running game. Quarterback Pedro 
Cordero hit tight end Bennie Philander with a 9-yard touchdown 
pass at 3:12 of the fourth quarter for the winning score. 
     When asked how his defense managed to penetrate the vaunted 
Bears line, Coach Terry McNab's only comment was "E = MC2"
 

                 MAJOR OVERHAUL FOR BEARS

_February 19, 2038 (UPI)_  In the wake of their devastating defeat 
in the Super Bowl, the Chicago Bears have fired Coach Rattler 
Renfro, and given unconditional releases to linemen Jumbo Smith, 
Willie the Whale McPherson, Hannibal Cohen, Mountain O'Mara, and 
Tiny Tackenheim. 
     All five players expressed hope that they could start new 
careers in the World Wrestling Federation. 

                       -- The End --