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Classifieds

by Mike Resnick

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Science Fiction/Humor

A DF Books NERDs Release

Copyright ©1994 by Mike Resnick

First published in Alternate Hilarities, ed. Alexandra Zale and Devon Tavern, June 1994

From the Classified section of the Antares Gazette, Octember 47, 2771 A.D.:

REAL ESTATE:

Fixer-upper! War-torn planet for sale. All major continents in place, unobtrusive bomb craters can be easily landscaped with minimal terraforming. Habitable again in 3822 A.D. All utilities included. Asking 35 million credits. Motivated seller. Write Cjsonti the Destroyer, Box 1013.

Idyllic desert island, available on a time-sharing basis. Grundach trees galore, prize-winning methagulum flowers, grow your own pilchhh. Chlorine-breathers only. Price 200,000 kwechners, firm. Box 23.

Price Reduced! Yes, the grand old McWhipple Estate on beautiful New Graustark is once again on the market. Own your very own castle, complete with towers, minarets, 3 guest houses, barn, and a brand new cemetery—and this time we guarantee that there are no traces of plague bacillus remaining. Write for our new price! Box 666.

Arcturans: Is brooding time approaching? Are you unprepared for 25,000 new offspring in the nursery? Will their loveable, slug-like little bodies all fit in your dining room? Why not consider the Carlsbad Caverns? Short or long-term leases available. Brochure upon request. Contact U.S. Dept. of the Interior, Box 7168.

TRAVEL AND VACATIONS:

Tired of the usual safari? Sick of shooting at game that wants only to escape? Looking for the kind of excitement that you thought had vanished forever? Then contact Macho, Unlimited. We hunt horndevils on Alpha Bodani III, killerowls on Far Madrid, and Kiwanis and Freemasons on Earth. Down payment required. Box Uno.

Come visit Ichtyos Estates, at a depth of from 10 to 200 feet in clear, unpolluted water, where the temperature is always 17 degrees centigrade. See what our chefs can do with 83 varieties of seaweed! Entertainment nightly. Rent breathing equipment and accompany our experienced guides onto dry land itself! Special accommodations for air-breathers. Box -200.

Ready to leave this universe? We are specialists in the universes of Blimm and Plipp, two and five vibratory levels removed from this one. Generous time payments. (Cholera and brymf inoculations required.) Write to Universes R Us today! Box OO.

Why pay for a vacation when you can simply leave your physical body and travel the galaxy with one of our expert guides? Send your telepathic inquiry to Etherial Excursions, Inc.

HELP WANTED:

We’re looking for a few good men who like to fight, pillage, maim, loot, rape, and kill. Write UPMR (United Planets Military Reserve), Box 9.

Hard-working schlmenditt needed for klarshinning and borgging. Pay negotiable, references a must. If you can’t brashhk, don’t apply. Box 559.

Non-aggressive, carbon-based, oxygen-breathing babysitter sought for alien diplomat’s children. Must not have larvae or wasp phobias. Prefer plump unmarried applicant with no living relatives. References not required. Box ZZZ.

Needed: temporary manager for human baseball team. Employment guaranteed not to exceed three weeks per year. Consider spending your annual summer vacation with us. Apply to G. Steinbrenner XXXVI, Yankee Stadium, Earth.

SITUATIONS WANTED:

Pirate Queen, beautiful, charming, deadly, lethal, deceitful, seeks employment with planet hostile to Pan-Galactic Federation. References and demonstrations upon request. Write Zenoibia, Box 99.

Need a planet terraformed? A solar system created? A religion imposed on those ugly little mollusks that will someday crawl ashore and inherit your world? Then contact D.E.I.T.Y. Corp., and together we’ll whip your planet(s) into shape. Box YHWH.

Bothered by gargantuan pests? Under attack by vast military forces? Has a creeping fungus covered the surface of your planet? Then write Sam the Exterminator. References: the Crab Nebula, the Horsehead Nebula, the Epsilon Eridani asteroid belt. When I exterminate ‘em, they stay exterminated! Box 1014.

FOR SALE:

Family starship, clean, like new, air-conditioned, nuclear-fueled, only 60,000 parsecs. 27,500 credits, or will consider trading for vacation home on methane world.

Marked down: 25 model XB-227 robots—loyal, brave, hard-working, minor cosmetic dents and scratches will not impair operation. 60% off list. (Self-preservation chip will be mailed free of charge when available.) Joe’s Cut-Rate Robots, Box 72.

Slave-trading business for sale. Includes all equipment, property, established oxygen-world routes, goodwill. Contact Honest Thyrrp’s Interstellar Job Placement Service, Box 10101.

Exoskeleton, sixteen legs, four eyes, powerful mandibles, hardly used. Available when metamorphosis is complete. Contact Plindro the Lyoptian, third tree on the left.

Make that 19 robots. Price reduced 65%. Joe’s Cut-Rate Robots, Box 72.

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

Born: To Diliophiatre and Mangaresk of Tau Ceti XIII: 3,622 males, 4,015 females, and 12,064 glymphs. Congratulations from the Acme Diaper Company.

Born again: The Reverend Billy-Bob Watson, of North Spittoon, Arkansas.

Died: Blaniph Ortch, beloved husband of Hvata, Mchee, and Kryngh. Of congenital botanical allergies. (No flowers, please.)

In loving memory of Htormm, who would almost certainly have made a compassionate and loving lifemate if I hadn’t basted, baked and eaten him first. Ktirmm.

Mass Baptism Ceremony: The entire population of North Spittoon, Arkansas. Y’all come. Or else.

PERSONAL:

Lonely but loving gromorf seeks jhaitan, rxtyl, ymotti, and bxteryl. Object: matrimony.

Blonde human female, heavily into leather, orgies, bondage/discipline, sadism/masochism, French, Greek, Arcturan, Altairian, Castorian, seeks unencumbered, fun-loving, oxygen-breathing male gentlebeing with similar tastes. (Positively no freaks.) Box 69.

To Galactic Robots, Inc.: Where the hell are those chips? Contact Joe’s Cut-Rate Robots A.S.A.P.

Yebi, come back—all is forgiven. I know you didn’t mean to gnarlf the platookta. Your loving Xumi.

Responsible for my wars only. Cjsonti The Destroyer.

Aldebaranian salesman seeks Mazirite kloopf for symbiosis during long business trips to Sirius. Blood specimens and skin scrapings required. Box 725.

50,000 credits reward offered for the head of Yebi. Contact the PLO (Platookta League of Orion), Box 1076.

FOR SALE (addendum):

Make that 14 robots, and they’re now 70% off list. Reply soonest. Joe’s Cut-Rate Robots, Box 72.

—The End—

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