Memo:
From: Lucifer, Lord of the Damned, Grand Inquisitor, Father of Lies, Originator of Sin, etc., etc.
To: Putrid Pustule—Division of Law and Disorder
Putrid,
I want LOOPHOLES, damn you, and I want them now! Tear this document apart if you have to, but find me every possible way that we can cheat this.
Lucifer
encl.: Rules governing Operation Tarheel
From: honorial@data_proc.chrstn.hvn.aftrlif.net (Honorial, Chief of Data Processing, HeavenNet)
Received: from hellex.hellwire.info.net by x1.hellwire.info.net for <lucifer.the.fallen@chrstn.hell.aftrlif.net>; Fri, 8, Oct 15:14:10 -0400)
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To: lucifer.the.fallen@chrstn.hell.aftrlif.net
Subject: Operation Tarheel
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Command from On High
By order of the God of Heaven and Earth, Creator of All Things, Eternal Parent of the Infinities, Bringer of Joy and Hope, Master of all the Realms—
O fallen angel who is anathema to me, you whose name shall not pass my lips until you have humbled yourself before me—
By my order and on my express command and through the intercession of my daughter, Dayne Teresa Kuttner, you shall send forth out of Hell, under my parole, exactly fifty-eight thousand eight hundred fifty-one fallen angels, devils, demons, and assorted members of the lower orders of Hell's crawling vermin into the state of North Carolina—this number being exactly one one-hundredth of the human population in that state at the instant of my reckoning.
Unchained denizens of Hell must obey the following rules:
—They will neither inflict, nor pay to have inflicted, any physical harm on any human.
—They will not parent a child with a human, either with or without the human's consent.
—They will not steal by supernatural means.
—They will not cause any disease or plague, nor will they act as the agents through which any disease or plague is transmitted.
—They will not impersonate a minister, God, or angel of God, or any divine messenger of God.
—They will not cause any virgin births.
—They will not leave the State of North Carolina.
The Unchained denizens of Hell may:
—Lie, tempt, deceive, mislead, and otherwise carry out the usual agenda of Hell.
—Impersonate human beings if that is within their nature and capacity.
—Own property, become citizens, hold offices, own and operate legal businesses, marry humans—if the humans are apprised of their true nature beforehand and no intimidation is used—and in all other legal ways approved by the State of North Carolina attempt to achieve a normal life on Earth.
—Enter into binding contracts with human beings—with one of the two following stipulations:
1-The human must be fully apprised of the nature of the contract and the nature of all parties involved in the contract; or,
2-The human must sign the contract with his own blood. (Percentage of blood to inert materials not specified; blood must be less than twenty-four hours old in Earth-sequential time only, as per previous agreements between Heaven and Hell; human must know that blood has been drawn; no blood from blood donorship or other merciful blood collection agencies, or from accidents and injuries may be used.)
—Repent.
Unchained denizens of Hell must:
—Eat and drink mortal food, or their Earthly bodies will wither and fail, and they will have to pay Heaven for new ones. Heaven will charge a cost-per-body fee plus punitive wastage tax for any Earthly bodies above and beyond the one that will be issued free from Heaven per Hell-soul at the time of exit from Hell—this will be collected by the usual revenue methods. These Heaven-issued Earth-bodies will be indistinguishable from the individual Hellspawn's normal form and will have all the Hellspawn's usual abilities excluding those which would run counter to the above decrees.
—Obtain their sustenance in the normal mortal way—that is, by growing food or paying for it with cash or barter.
Jack was bent over the fried modulator board with a jeweler's loupe in his eye, oblivious to the world, when someone tapped him on the back. He jumped, almost falling off his lab stool. "Don't do that!" he said, and then, "Oh, hi, Rhea."
His boss was standing there with a man Jack had never seen before. He was wearing a suit, but he looked intelligent. Rhea was wearing shoes, so it must be important. Jack stood up and brushed himself off, bits of wire and insulation falling to the floor.
"Jack, this is Al Roberts from TRITEL," Rhea said. "Al, meet Jack Halloran."
Roberts held out his hand and Jack took it. "Pleased to meet you," he said.
"Likewise," said Roberts. His grip was firm. "So you're Jack Halloran."
"Um, yes."
"I've followed your career," Roberts continued. "That was some dynamite work you and your team did for NCR on the SART project. Too bad about what happened."
"Yeah," Jack said. "It was the worst management and marketing screw-up since Xerox PARC, but we all got published and some of the technology is finally catching on. I think your company even puts out some of the SART stuff in your high-end line."
"The Ultinea, yes. So how do you feel about management here at Celestial?"
He laughed. "What do you expect me to say? She's standing right behind you. I'll put it this way, I've been here almost two years, and I'm not planning to leave."
Roberts nodded. "And what are you working on now?" Jack looked at Rhea, who nodded. He pointed to the trolley, which was still hooked to its guidewire, although he had ripped most of the electronics from the platform. "That's our MULE prototype."
"And does it move?"
"Only when I give it a good shove." Oops, Rhea was shaking her head violently. "But, ah, I've nearly got that worked out."