1-800-CLONE-ME

by Mary Soon Lee

Fictionwise Contemporary - Science Fiction

Fictionwise Publications

www.fictionwise.com

Copyright (C)1998 Mary Soon Lee

First published in Altair Magazine #4

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—Thank you for calling Clone Line. We are proud to offer a complete range of cloning services at affordable prices. Please select from the following options.

—To place a new order, say “New.”

—If you have already received a clone, say “Service” for service information and billing inquiries.

—To hear the estimated delivery time for any current order, say “Delivery.”

—Enter our Duplication Sweepstakes! For just ten dollars, you could be the next grand prize winner! More than one hundred lucky people have already won our premium clone service. So please don’t miss out on your chance to be twinned! Just say “Sweepstakes.”

—To repeat this menu, say “Repeat.”

>>“New.”

—Thank you for your interest in ordering a Clone Line product. We’re here to help you become more than you ever dreamed of! Become a multitude! Please choose one of the following options.

—To order a full self-clone, say “Self.” Prices start at as little as two million dollars. Our Gold Premium Service includes rapid-growth stimulation, with door-to-door delivery of an adult clone in under two months. Please have your billing software ready.

—To clone a friend or family member, say “Family.” Clone Line regrets that the cloning of children under the age of twelve is prohibited in the following states: Alaska, Indiana, Nebraska, and Sonora.

—For partial clones—including blood products, eye, heart, liver, kidney, and lung replication—say “Organ.” We offer discounted rates for all multiple organ orders, including our famous heart-and-lung special.

—To choose from our extensive range of celebrity-clones, say “Star.” Prices vary depending on the celebrity. Please note that a few celebrities are withholding rights to their genomes. Lobby your representatives to demand public access to all genomes!

—If you would like to apply for a Special Merit Cloning Award, say “Award.”

—To clone a beloved pet, say “Animal Friend.”

—To repeat this menu, say “Repeat.”

>>“Award.”

—Clone Line is a federally-approved supplier of free cloning services to America’s greatest citizens. We are proud to help preserve our national heritage, one genome at a time. Please select the category that most closely matches your application.

—For scientific excellence, say “Science.” Nobel Prize winners and Fields Medal recipients automatically qualify for full awards. Other applicants are subject to peer review.

—For sporting achievements, say “Sport.” Subsidized clone awards are available to every athlete on a national team, with full awards for all gold medalists.

—If you are a film star or other celebrity, say “Famous.” Clone Line offers amazing deals to qualifying celebrities. In exchange for the rights to your genome, we will give you your own clone—at absolutely no charge! What’s more, you will earn lucrative royalties every single time we sell your genome!

—To apply for any other category of Special Merit Award, say “Other.”

—To repeat this menu, say “Repeat.”

>>“Other.”

—Please state the reason you believe you qualify for a Special Merit Award, and our state-of-the-art AI system will analyze your request.

>>“I am a messenger of Truth. God told me He needs more of me to help spread His message. Time is running out.”

—Our AI system has identified your appeal as belonging to the Prophets And Deities category. If this is correct, please say “Yes.” If not, please try rephrasing your request.

>>“Yes.”

—Clone Line regrets that it is a secular organization. We are unable to offer discounts on religious grounds at this time. If you would like to speak to a customer service assistant, please say “Assistant.” To repeat the main menu, say “Menu.”

>>“Assistant.”

—Please stay on the line until a customer service assistant is available. All calls will be processed in the order they were received… .

—The Surgeon General has issued the following warning: “Cloned individuals may differ significantly from their progenitors.” Clone Line cannot accept responsibility for phenotypic discrepancies between clones and their originals… . Enter our Duplication Sweepstakes! For just ten dollars, you could be the next grand prize winner! To enter now, just say “Sweepstakes.”

>>“Hello? Is anyone there? If I’m not cloned quickly, God will exact vengeance.”

—Our AI system identified your last statement as a possible threat. If we have misinterpreted your intent, please say “Mistake.”

>>“I’m God’s messenger, and God doesn’t make mistakes. If you don’t help me immediately, you’ll regret it.”

—Since our AI system has now confirmed that you are threatening our organization, a recording of your call is being transmitted to the appropriate authorities. Please remain on the line. Anything you say may be used in evidence—

>>“What?! What’s happening? I can’t open the phone booth!”

—In accordance with state law, Clone Line has sealed the booth until a police officer can arrive. It may take some time. If you wish to continue to explore our range of deluxe cloning services while you are waiting, just say “Menu.”

>>”#*?!”

—Our AI system has been programmed not to respond to profanity. Please rephrase your request… .

The End

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