THAT FEELING, YOU CAN ONLY SAY WHAT IT IS IN FRENCH

A second honeymoon in the Florida Keys. What could be more relaxing?

FLOYD, what’s that over there? Oh shit. The mans voice speaking these words was vaguely familiar, but the words themselves were just a disconnected snip of dialogue, the kind of thing you heard when you were channel-surfing with the remote. There was no one named Floyd in her life. Still, that was the start. Even before she saw the little girl in the red pinafore, there were those disconnected words.

But it was the little girl who brought it on strong. “Oh-oh, I’m getting that feeling,” Carol said.

The girl in the pinafore was in front of a country market called Carson’s “Beer, Wine, Groc, Fresh Bait, Lottery” - crouched down with her butt between her ankles and the bright-red apron-dress tucked between her thighs, playing with a doll. The doll was yellow-haired and dirty the kind that’s round and stuffed and boneless in the body.

“What feeling?” Bill asked.

“You know. The one you can only say what it is in French. Help me here.”

“Deja vu,” he said.

“That’s it,” she said, and turned to look at the little girl one more time. She’ll have the doll by one leg, Carol thought. Holding it upside down by one leg with its grimy yellow hair hanging down.

But the little girl had abandoned the doll on the store’s splintery gray steps and had gone over to look at a dog caged up in the back of a station wagon. Then Bill and Carol Shelton went around a curve in the road and the store was out of sight.

“How much farther?” Carol asked.

Bill looked at her with one eyebrow raised and his mouth dimpled at one corner - left eyebrow right dimple, always the same. The look that said, You think I’m amused, but I’m really irritated For the ninety-trillionth or so time in the marriage, I’m really irritated You don’t know that, though, because you can only see about two inches into me and then your vision fails.

But she had better vision than he realized; it was one of the secrets of the marriage. Probably he had a few secrets of his own. And there were, of course, the ones they kept together.

“I don’t know” he said. “I’ve never been here.”

“Once you get over the causeway and onto Sanibel Island, there’s only one,” he said. “It goes across to Captiva, and there it ends. But before it does we’ll come to Palin House. That I promise you.”

The arch in his eyebrow began to flatten. The dimple began to fill in. He was returning to what she thought of as the Great Level. She had come to dislike the Great Level, too, but not as much as the eyebrow and the dimple, or his sarcastic way of saying “Excuse me?” when you said something he considered stupid, or his habit of pooching out his lower lip when he wanted to appear thoughtful and deliberative.

“Bill?”

“Do you know anyone named Floyd?”

“There was Floyd Denning. He and I ran the downstairs snack bar at Christ the Redeemer in our senior year. I told you about him, didn’t I? He stole the Coke money one Friday and spent the weekend in New York with his girlfriend. They suspended him and expelled her. What made you think of him?”

“I don’t know,” she said. Easier than telling him that the Floyd with whom Bill had gone to high school wasn’t the Floyd the voice in her head was speaking to. At least, she didn’t think it was.

Second honeymoon, that’s what you call

this, she thought, looking at the palms a that lined Highway 867, a white bird that stalked along the shoulder like an angry preacher, and a sign that read “Seminole Wildlife Park, Bring a Carfull for $10.” Florida the Sunshine State. Florida the Hospitality State. Not to mention Florida the Second-Honeymoon State. Florida, where Bill Shelton and Carol Shelton, the former Carol O’Neill, of Lynn, Massachusetts, came on their first honeymoon twenty-five years before. Only that was on the other side, the Atlantic side, at a little cabin colony, and there were cockroaches in the bureau drawers. He couldn’t stop touching me. That was all right, though, in those days I wanted to be touched Hell I wanted to he torched like Atlanta in “Gone with the wind,” and he torched me, rebuilt me, torched me again. Now it’s silver. Twenty-five is silver. And sometimes I get that feeling.

They were approaching a curve, and she thought, Three crosses on the right side of the road. Two small ones flanking a bigger one. The small ones are clapped-together wood. The one in the middle is white birch with a picture on it, a tiny photograph of the seventeen-year-old boy who lost control of his car on this curve, one drunk nght that was his last drunk night, and this is where his girlfriend and her girlfriends marked the spot -

Bill drove around the curve. A pair of black crows, plump and shiny, lifted off from something pasted to the macadam in a splat of blood. They had eaten so well that Carol wasn’t sure they were going to get out of the way until they did. There were no crosses, not on the left, not on the right. Just roadkill in the middle, a woodchuck or something, now passing beneath a luxury car that had never been north of the Mason-Dixon Line.

Floyd, what’s that over there?

“What’s wrong?”

“Huh?” She looked at him, bewildered, feeling a little wild.

“You’re sitting bolt upright. Got a cramp in your back?”

“Just a slight one.” She settled back by degrees. “I had that feeling again. The deja vu.”

“Is it gone?”

‘Yes,” she said, but she was lying. It had retreated a little, but that was all. She’d had this before, but never so continuously. It came up and went down, but it didn’t go away. She’d been aware of it ever since that thing about Floyd started knocking around in her head - and then the little girl in the red pinafore.

But, really, hadn’t she felt something before either of those things? Hadn’t it actually started when they came down the steps of the Lear 35 into the hammering heat of the Fort Myers sunshine? Or even before? En route from Boston?

They were coming to an intersection. Overhead was a flashing yellow light, and she thought, To the right is a used-car lot and a sign for the Sanibel Community Theatre.

Then she thought, No, it’ll be like the crosses that weren’t there. It’s a strong feeling but it’s a false feeling.

Here was the intersection. On the right there was a used-car lot-Palm-dale Motors. Carol felt a real jump at that, a stab of something sharper than disquiet. She told herself to quit being stupid. There had to be car lots all over Florida and if you predicted one at every intersection sooner or later the law of averages made you a prophet. It was a trick mediums had been using for hundreds of years.

Besides, there’s no theatre sign.

But there was another sign. It was Mary the Mother of God, the ghost of all her childhood days, holding out her hands the way she did on the medallion Carol’s grandmother had given her for her tenth birthday. Her grandmother had pressed it into her hand and looped the chain around her fingers, saying, “Wear her always as you grow, because all the hard days are coming. ” She had worn it, all right. At Our Lady of Angels grammar and middle school she had worn it, then at St. Vincent de Paul high. She wore the medal until breasts grew around it like ordinary miracles, and then someplace, probably on the class trip to Hampton Beach, she had lost it. Coming home on the bus she had tongue-kissed for the first time. Butch Soucy had been the boy; and she had been able to taste the cotton candy he’d eaten.

Mary on that long-gone medallion and Mary on this billboard had exactly the same look, the one that made you feel guilty of thinking impure thoughts even when all you were thinking about was a peanut-butter sandwich. Beneath Mary, the sign said “Mother of Mercy Charities Help the Florida Homeless Won’t You Help Us?”

Hey there, Mary, what’s the story.

More than one voice this time; many voices, girls’ voices, chanting ghost voices. There were ordinary miracles; there were also ordinary ghosts. You found these things out as you got older.

“What’s wrong with you?” She knew that voice as well as she did the eyebrow-and-dimple look. Bill’s I’m-only-pretending-to-be-pissed tone of voice, the one that meant he really was pissed, at least a little.

“Nothing.” She gave him the best smile she could manage.

“You really don’t seem like yourself Maybe you shouldn’t have slept on the plane.

‘You’re probably right,” she said, and not just to be agreeable, either. After all, how many women got a second honeymoon on Captiva Island for their twenty-fifth anniversary? Round trip on a chartered Learjet? Ten days at one of those places where your money was no good (at least until MasterCard coughed up the bill at the end of the month) and if you wanted a massage a big Swedish babe would come and pummel you in your six-room beach house?

Things had been different at the start. Bill, whom she’d first met at a crosstown high-school dance and then met again at college three years later (another ordinarv miracle), had begun their married life working as a janitor, because there were no openings in the computer industry. It was 1973, and computers were essentially going nowhere and they were living in a grotty place in Revere, not on the beach but close to it, and all night people kept going up the stairs to buy drugs from the two sallow creatures who lived in the apartment above them and listened endlessly to dopey records from the sixties. Carol used to lie awake waiting for the shouting to start, thinking, We won’t ever get out of here, we’ll grow old and die within earshot of Cream and Blue Cheer and the fucking Dodgem cars down on the beach.

Bill, exhausted at the end of his shift, would sleep through the noise, lying on his side, sometimes with one hand on her hip. And when it wasn’t there she often put it there, especially if the creatures upstairs were arguing with their customers. Bill was all she had. Her parents had practically disowned her when she married him. He was a Catholic, but the wrong sort of Catholic. Gram had asked why she wanted to go with that boy when anyone could tell he was shanty; how could she fall for all his foolish talk, why did she want to break her father’s heart. And what could she say?

It was a long distance from that place in Revere to a private jet soaring at forty-one thousand feet; a long way to this rental car; which was a Crown Victoria-what the goodfellas in the gangster movies invariably called a Crown Vic heading for ten days in a place where the tab would probably be… well, she didn’t even want to think about it.

Floyd?… Ohshit.

“Carol? What is it now?”

“Nothing,” she said. Up ahead by the road was a little pink bungalow, the porch flanked by palms - seeing those trees with their fringy heads lifted against the blue sky made her think of Japanese Zeros coming in low; their underwing machine guns firing, such an association clearly the result of a youth misspent in front of the TV - and as they passed a black woman would come out. She would be drying her hands on a piece of pink towelling and would watch them expressionlessly as they passed, rich folks in a Crown Vic headed for Captiva, and she’d have no idea that Carol Shelton once lay awake in a ninety-dollar-a-month apartment, listening to the records and the drug deals upstairs, feeling something alive inside her, something that made her think of a cigarette that had fallen down behind the drapes at a party, small and unseen but smoldering away next to the fabric.

“Hon?”

“Nothing, I said.” They passed the house. There was no woman. An old man - white, not black-sat in a rocking chair, watching them pass. There were rimless glasses on his nose and a piece of ragged pink towelling, the same shade as the house, across his lap. “I’m fine now. Just anxious to get there and change into some shorts.”

His hand touched her hip where he had so often touched her during those first days - and then crept a little farther inland. She thought about stopping him (Roman hands and Russian fingers, they used to say) and didn’t. They were, after all, on their second honeymoon. Also, it would make that expression go away.

“Maybe,” he said, “we could take a pause. You know, after the dress comes off and before the shorts go on.

“I think that’s a lovely idea,” she said, and put her hand over his, pressed both more tightly against her. Ahead was a sign that would read “Palm House 3 Mi. on Left” when they got close enough to see it.

The sign actually read “Palm House 2 Mi. on Left.” Beyond it was another sign, Mother Mary again, with her hands outstretched and that little electric shimmy that wasn’t quite a halo around her head. This version read “Mother of Mercy Charities Help the Florida Sick - Won’t You Help Us?”

Bill said, “The next one ought to say ‘Burma Shave.”’

She didn’t understand what he meant, but it was clearly a joke and so she smiled. The next one would say “Mother of Mercy Charities Help the Florida Hungry;” but she couldn’t tell him that. Dear Bill. Dear in spite of his sometimes stupid expressions and his sometimes unclear allusions. He’ll most likely leave you, and you know something? If you go through with it that’s probably the best luck you can expect. This according to her father. Dear Bill, who had proved that just once, just that one crucial time, her judgment had been far better than her father’s. She was still married to the man her Gram had called “the big boaster.” At a price, true, but everyone paid a price.

Her head itched. She scratched at it absently, watching for the next Mother of Mercy billboard.

Horrible as it was to say, things had started turning around when she lost the baby. That was just before Bill got a job with Beach Computers, out on Route 128; that was when the first winds of change in the industry began to blow.

Lost the baby, had a miscarriage - they all believed that except maybe Bill. Certainly her family had believed it: Dad, Mom, Gram. “Miscarriage” was the story they told, miscarriage was a Catholic’s story if ever there was one. Hey, Mary, what’s the story, they had sometimes sung when they skipped rope, feeling daring, feeling sinful, the skirts of their uniforrns flipping up and down over their scabby knees. That was at Our Lady of Angels, where Sister Annunciata would spank your knuckles with her ruler if she caught you gazing out the window during Sentence Time, where Sister Dormatilla would tell you that a million years was but the first tick of eternity’s endless clock (and you could spend eternity in Hell, most people did, it was easy). In Hell you would live forever with your skin on fire and your bones roasting. Now she was in Florida, now she was in a Crown Vic sitting next to her husband, whose hand was still in her crotch; the dress would be wrinkled but who cared if it got that look off his face, and why wouldn’t the feeling stop?

She thought of a mailbox with “Raglan” painted on the side and an American-flag decal on the front, and although the name turned out to be “Reagan” and the flag a Grateful Dead sticker; the box was there. She thought of a small black dog trotting briskly along the other side of the road, its head down, sniffling, and the small black dog was there. She thought again of the billboard and, yes, there it was: “Mother of Mercy Charities Help the Florida Hungry - Won’t You Help Us?”

Bill was pointing. “There-see? I think that’s Palm House. No, not where the billboard is, the other side. Why do they let people put those things up out here, anyway?”

“I don’t know.” Her head itched. She scratched, and black dandruff began falling past her eyes. She looked at her fingers and was horrified to see dark smutches on the tips; it was as if someone had just taken her fingerprints.

“Bill?” She raked her hand through her blond hair and this time the flakes were bigger. She saw they were not flakes of skin but flakes of paper. There was a face on one, peering out of the char like a face peering out of a botched negative.

“Bill?”

“What? Wh-” Then a total change in his voice, and that frightened her more than the way the car swerved. “Christ, honey, what’s in your hair?”

The face appeared to be Mother Teresa’s. Or was that just because she’d been thinking about Our Lady of Angels? Carol plucked it from her dress, meaning to show it to Bill, and it crumbled between her fingers before she could. She turned to him and saw that his glasses were melted to his cheeks. One of his eyes had popped from its socket and then split like a grape pumped full of blood.

And I knew it,

she thought. Even before I turned, I knew it. Because I had that feeling.

A bird was crying in the trees. On the billboard, Mary held out her hands. Carol tried to scream. Tried to scream.

“CAROL?”

It was Bill’s voice, coming from a thousand miles away. Then his hand - not pressing the folds of her dress into her crotch, but on her shoulder.

“You O.K., babe?”

She opened her eyes to brilliant sunlight and her ears to the steady hum of the Learjet’s engines. And something else-pressure against her eardrums. She looked from Bill’s mildly concerned face to the dial below the temperature gauge in the cabin and saw that it had wound down to 28,000.

“Landing?” she said, sounding muzzy to herself “Already?”

“It’s fast, huh?” Sounding pleased, as if he had flown it himself instead of only paying for it. “Pilot says we’ll be on the ground in Fort Myers in twenty minutes. You took a hell of a jump, girl.”

“I had a nightmare.”

He laughed-the plummy ain’t-you-the-silly-billy laugh she had come really to detest. “No nightmares allowed on your second honeymoon, babe. What was it?”

“I don’t remember,” she said, and it was the truth. There were only fragments: Bill with his glasses melted all over his face, and one of the three or four forbidden skip rhymes they had sometimes chanted back in fifth and sixth grade. This one had gone Hey there, Mary, what’s the story… and then something-something-something. She couldn’t come up with the rest. She could remember Jangle-tangle jingle-bingle, I saw your daddy’s great big dingle, but she couldn’t remember the one about Mary-

Mary helps the Florida sick,

she thought, with no idea of what the thought meant, and just then there was a beep as the pilot turned the seatbelt light on. They had started their final descent. Let the wild rumpus start, she thought, and tightened her belt.

“You really don’t remember?” he asked, tightening his own. The little jet ran through a cloud filled with bumps, one of the pilots in the cockpit made a minor adjustment, and the ride smoothed out again. “Because usually, just after you wake up, you can still remember. Even the bad ones.”

“I remember Sister Annunciata, from Our Lady of Angels. Sentence Time.”

“Now, that’s a nightmare.

Ten minutes later the landing gear came down with a whine and a thump. Five minutes after that they landed.

“They were supposed to bring the car right out to the plane,” Bill said, already starting up the Type A shit. This she didn’t like, but at least she didn’t detest it the way she detested the plummy laugh and his repertoire of patronizing looks. “I hope there hasn’t been a hitch.”

There hasn’t been, she thought, and the feeling swept over her full force. I’m going to see it out the window on my side in just a second or two. It’s your total Florida vacation car, a great big white goddam Cadillac, or maybe it’s a Lincoln - And, yes, here it came, proving what? Well, she supposed, it proved that sometimes when you had deja vu what you thought was going to happen next really did happen next. It wasn’t a Caddy or a Lincoln after all, but a Crown Victoria - what the gangsters in a Martin Scorsese film would no doubt call a Crown Vic.

“Whoo,” she said as he helped her down the steps and off the plane. The hot sun made her feel dizzy.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, really. I’ve got deja’ vu. Left over from my dream, I guess. We’ve been here before, that kind of thing.”

“It’s being in a strange place, that’s all,” he said, and kissed her cheek. “Come on, let the wild rumpus start.”

They went to the car. Bill showed his driver’s license to the young woman who had driven it out. Carol saw him check out the hem of her skirt, then sign the paper on her clipboard.

She’s going to drop it,

Carol thought. The feeling was now so strong it was like being on an amusement-park ride that goes just a little too fast; all at once you realize you’re edging out of the Land of Fun and into the Kingdom of Nausea. She’ll drop it, and Bill will say “Whoopsy-daisy” and pick it up for her, get an even closer look at her legs.

But the Hertz woman didn’t drop her clipboard. A white courtesy van had appeared, to take her back to the Butler Aviation terminal. She gave Bill a final smile-Carol she had ignored completely-and opened the front passenger door. She stepped up, then slipped. “Whoopsy-daisy, don’t be crazy,” Bill said, and took her elbow, steadying her. She gave him a smile, he gave her well-turned legs a goodbye look, and Carol stood by the growing pile of their luggage and thought, Hey there, Mary…

“Mrs. Shelton?” It was the co-pilot. He had the last bag, the case with Bill’s laptop inside it, and he looked concerned. “Are you all right? You’re very pale.”

Bill heard and turned away from the departing white van, his face worried. If her strongest feelings about Bill were her only feelings about Bill, now that they were twenty-five years on, she would have left him when she found out about the secretary, a Clairol blonde too young to remember the Clairol slogan that went “If I have only one life to live,” etc., etc. But there were other feelings. There was love, for instance. Still love. A kind that girls in Catholic-school uniforms didn’t suspect, a weedy species too tough to die.

Besides, it wasn’t just love that held people together. Secrets held them, and common history, and the price you paid.

“Carol?” he asked her. “Babe? All right?”

She thought about telling him no, she wasn’t all right, she was drowning, but then she managed to smile and said, “It’s the heat, that’s all. I feel a little groggy - Get me in the car and crank up the air-conditioning. I’ll be fine.”

Bill took her by the elbow (Bet you’re not checking out my legs, though, Carol thought. You know where they go, don’t you?) and led her toward the Crown Vic as if she were a very old lady. By the time the door was closed and cool air was pumping over her face, she actually had started to feel a little better.

If the feeling comes back, I’ll tell him,

Carol thought. I’ll have to. It’s just too strong Not normal

Well, deja vu was never normal, she supposed - it was something that was part dream, part chemistry, and (she was sure she’d read this, maybe in a doctor’s office somewhere while waiting for her gynecologist to go prospecting up her fifty-two-year-old twat) part the result of an electrical misfire in the brain, causing new experience to be identified as old data. A temporary hole in the pipes, hot water and cold water mingling. She closed her eyes and prayed for it to go away.

Oh, Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee.

Please (“Oh puh-lease,” they used to say), not back to parochial school. This was supposed to be a vacation, not - Floyd - what’s that over there? Oh shit!

Oh SHIT!

Who was Floyd? The only Floyd Bill knew was Floyd Doming (or maybe it was Darling), the kid he’d run the snack bar with, the one who’d run off to New York with his girlfriend. Carol couldn’t remember when Bill had told her about that kid, but she knew he had.

Jast quit it, girl. There’s nothing here for you. Slam the door on the whole train of thought.

And that worked. There was a final whisper - what’s the story and then she was just Carol Shelton, on her way to Captiva Island, on her way to Palin House with her husband the renowned software designer, on their way to the beaches and those rum drinks with the little paper umbrellas sticking out of them.

They passed a Publix market. They passed an old black man minding a roadside fruit stand - he made her think of actors from the thirties and movies you saw on the American Movie Channel, an old yassuh-boss type of guy wearing bib overalls and a straw hat with a round crown. Bill made small talk, and she made it right back at him. She was faintly amazed that the little girl who had worn a Mary medallion every day from ten to sixteen had become this woman in the Donna Karan dress - that the desperate couple in that Revere apartment were these middle-aged rich folks rolling down a lush aisle of palms - but she was and they were. Once in those Revere days he had come home drunk and she had hit him and drawn blood from below his eye. Once she had been in fear of Hell, had lain half-drugged in steel stirrups, thinking, I’m damned, I’ve come to damnation. A million years, and that’s only the first tick of the clock.

They stopped at the causeway tollbooth and Carol thought, The toll-taker has a strawberry birthmark on the left side of his forehead, all mixed in with his eyebrow.

There was no mark-the toll-taker was just an ordinary guy in his late forties or early fifties, iron-gray hair in a buzz cut, horn-rimmed specs, the kind of guy who says, “Y’all have a nahce tahm, okai?”-but the feeling began to come back, and Carol realized that now the things she thought she knew were things she really did know, at first not all of them, but then, by the time they neared the little market on the right side of Route 41, it was almost everything.

The market’s called Corson’s and there’s a little gid outfront,

Carol thought. She’s wearing a red pinafore. She’s got a doll, a dirty old yellow-haired thing, that she’s left on the store steps so she can look at a dog in the back of a station wagon.

The name of the market turned out to be Carson’s, not Corson’s, but everything else was the same. As the white Crown Vic passed, the little girl in the red dress turned her solemn face in Carol’s direction, a country girl’s face, although what a girl from the toolies could be doing here in rich folks’ tourist country, her and her dirty yellow-headed doll, Carol didn’t know.

Here’s where I ask Bill how much farther, only I won’t do it. Because I have to break out of this cycle, this groove. I have to.

“How much farther?” she asked him. He says there’s only one road, we can’t get lost. He says he promises me we’ll get to the Palm House with no problem. And, by the way, who’s Floyd?

Bill’s eyebrow went up. The dimple beside his mouth appeared. “Once you get over the causeway and onto Sanibel Island, there’s only one road,” he said. Carol barely heard him. He was still talking about the road, her husband who had spent a dirty weekend in bed with his secretary two years ago, risking all they had done and all they had made, Bill doing that with his other face on, being the Bill Carol’s mother had warned would break her heart. And later Bill trying to tell her he hadn’t been able to help himself, her wanting to scream, I once murdered a child for you, the potential of a child, anyway. How high is that price? And is this what I get in return? To reach my fifties and find out that my husband had to get into some Clairol girl’s pants?

Tell him!

she shrieked. Make him pull over and stop, make him do anything that will break you free-change one thing, change everything! You can do it if you could put your feet up in those stirrups, you can do anything!

But she could do nothing, and it all began to tick by faster. The two overfed crows lifted off from their splatter of lunch. Her husband asked why she was sitting that way, was it a cramp, her saying, Yes, yes, a cramp in her back but it was easing. Her mouth quacked on about deja vu just as if she weren’t drowning in it, and the Crown Vic moved forward like one of those sadistic Dodgem cars at Revere Beach. Here came Palmdale Motors on the right. And on the lefr? Some kind of sign for the local community theatre, a production of “Naughty Marietta.”

No, it’s Mary, not Marietta. Mary, mother of Jesus, Mary, mother of God, she’s got her hands out….

Carol bent all her will toward telling her husband what was happening, because the right Bill was behind the wheel, the right Bill could still hear her. Being heard was what married love was all about.

Nothing came out. In her mind Gram said, “All the hard days are coming.” In her mind a voice asked Floyd what was over there, then said, “Oh shit,” then screamed “Oh shit!”

She looked at the speedometer and saw it was calibrated not in miles an hour but thousands of feet: they were at twenty-eight thousand. Bill was telling her that she shouldn’t have slept on the plane and she was agreeing.

There was a pink house coming up, little more than a bungalow, fringed with palm trees that looked like the ones you saw in the Second World War movies, fronds framing incoming Learjets with their machine guns blazing-

Blazing. Burning hot. All at once the magazine he’s holding turns into a torch. Holy Mary, mother of God, hey there, Mary, what’s the story-

They passed the house. The old man sat on the porch and watched them go by. The lenses of his rimless glasses glinted in the sun. Bill’s hand established a beachhead on her hip. He said something about how they might pause to refresh themselves between the doffing of her dress and the donning of her shorts and she agreed, although they were never going to get to Palm House. They were going to go down this road and down this road, they were for the white Crown Vic and the white Crown Vic was for them, forever and ever amen.

The next billboard would say “Palm House 2 Mi.” Beyond it was the one saying that Mother of Mercy Charities helped the Florida sick. Would they help her?

Now that it was too late she was be-ginning to understand. Beginning to see the light the way she could see the subtropical sun sparkling off the water on their left. Wondering how many wrongs she had done in her life, how many sins if you liked that word, God knew her parents and her Gram certainly had, sin this and sin that and wear the medallion between those growing things the boys look at. And years later she had lain in bed with her new husband on hot summer nights, knowing a decision had to be made, knowing the clock was ticking, the cigarette butt was smoldering, and she remembered making the decision, not telling him out loud because about some things you could be silent.

Her head itched. She scratched it. Black flecks came swirling down past her face. On the Crown Vic’s instrument panel the speedometer froze at sixteen thousand feet and then blew out, but Bill appeared not to notice.

Here came a mailbox with a Grateful Dead sticker pasted on the front; here came a little black dog with its head down, trotting busily, and God how her head itched, black flakes drifting in the air like fallout and Mother Teresa’s face looking out of one of them.

“Mother of Mary Charities Help the Florida Hungry-Won’t You Help Us?”

Floyd What’s that over there? Oh shit

She has time to see something big. And to read the word “Delta.”

“Bill? Bill?”

His reply, clear enough but nevertheless coming from around the rim of the universe: “Christ, honey, what’s in your hair?”

She plucked the charred remnant of Mother Teresa’s face from her hair and held it out to him, the older version of the man she had married, the secretary fucking man she had married, the man who had nonetheless rescued her from people who thought that you could live forever in paradise if you only lit enough candles and wore the blue blazer and stuck to the approved skipping rhymes - Lying there with this man one hot summer night while the drug deals went on upstairs and Iron Butterfly sang “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” for the nine-billionth time, she had asked what he thought you got, you know, after. When your part in the show is over. He had taken her in his arms and held her, down the beach she had heard the jangle-jingle of the mid-way and the bang of the Dodgem cars and Bill - Bill’s glasses were melted to his face.

One eye bulged out of its socket. His mouth was a bloodhole. In the trees a bird was crying, a bird was screaming, and Carol began to scream with it, holding out the charred fragment of paper with Mother Teresa’s picture on it, screaming, watching as his cheeks turned black and his forehead swarmed and his neck split open like a poisoned goiter, screaming, she was screaming, somewhere Iron Butterfly was singing “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” and she was screaming.

“CAROL?”

It was Bill’s voice, from a thousand miles away. His hand was on her, but it was concern in his touch rather than lust.

She opened her eyes and looked around the sun-brilliant cabin of the Lear 35, and for a moment she understood everything in the way one understands the tremendous import of a dream upon the first moment of waking. She remembered asking him what he believed you got, you know, after, and he had said you probably got what you’d always thought you would get, that if Jerry Lee Lewis thought he was going to Hell for playing boogie-woogie, that’s exactly where he’d go. Heaven, Hell, or Grand Rapids, it was your choice or the choice of those who had taught you what to believe. It was the human mind’s final great service: the perception of eternity in the place where you’d always expected to spend it.

“Carol? You O.K., babe?” In one hand was the magazine he’d been reading, a Newsweek with Mother Teresa on the cover. “SAINTHOOD NOW?” it said in white.

Looking around wildly at the cabin, she was thinking, it happens at sixteen thousand feet I have to tell them, I have to warn them.

But it was fading, all of it, the way those feelings always did. They went like dreams, or cotton candy turning into a sweet mist just above your tongue.

“Landing? Already.” She felt wide awake, but her voice sounded thick and muzzy.

“It’s fast, huh?” he said, sounding pleased, as if he’d flown it himself instead of paying for it. “Floyd says we’ll be on the ground in-“

“Who?” she asked. The cabin of the little plane was warm but her fingers were cold. “Who?”

“Floyd. You know, the pilot” He pointed his thumb toward the cockpit’s left-hand seat. They were descending into a scrim of clouds. The plane began to shake. “He says we’ll be on the ground in Fort Myers in twenty minutes. You took a hell of a jump, girl. And before that you were moaning.”

Carol opened her mouth to say it was that feeling, the one you could only say what it was in French, something vu or rous, but it was fading and all she said was “I had a nightmare.”

There was a beep as Floyd the pilot switched the seat-belt light on. Carol turned her head. Somewhere below, waiting for them now and forever, was a white car from Hertz, a gangster car, the kind the characters in a Martin Scorsese movie would probably call a Crown Vic. She looked at the cover of the news magazine, at the face of Mother Teresa, and all at once she remembered skipping rope behind Our Lady of Angels, skipping to one of the forbidden rhymes, skipping to the one that went Hey there, Mary, what’s the story, save my ass from Purgatory

All the hard days are coming,

her Gram had said. She had pressed the medal into Carol’s palm, wrapped the chain around her fingers. The hard days are coming.