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The Ambassador
From Earth
Mari Eckstein Gower
I'd just bought a hotel for Boardwalk. That, along with my Park Place and St. James properties and railroads, put me in a pretty good position. I grinned at my perfect cousin, Elton. He adjusted the collar on his perfectly pressed polo shirt, brushed a perfect dark curl off his forehead, then picked up the dice, ready to roll.
The phone rang. Mom motioned, indicating it was for me.
"Be right back." I smiled. Let Elton contemplate losing for a change. I picked up the receiver. "Hello?"
"Potato alert."
"Not now, Jerry!" I whispered into the mouthpiece.
"I said, 'potato alert'!"
"I heard you." I glanced over at the Monopoly game. "Can't it wait?" I asked hopefully.
"Brian, it's important!"
"What's so important this time?"
"He's going to blow up the Space Needle."
I cast one last look at my string of hotels. Probably never, ever, in my entire life would I get another setup like that. With a resigned sigh, I said, "Be right there," then hung up the phone.
I smiled--- this time, not so smugly--- at Elton. "Sorry. I can't finish our game. A friend needs my help with something."
He smiled back. The thin silver line of his retainer gleamed, accentuating his newly perfect teeth. "May I come along?"
I struggled to hide my horror. "I don't think---"
Mom gave me her think-twice-about-that look.
"You'd be bored," I offered.
Mom frowned, switching to her that's-no-way-totreat-a-guest stare.
Elton wasn't a guest. He was my cousin. But, knowing it'd be useless to argue, I added, "All right, come along."
Mom nodded her approval.
Trying to look cheerful, I pulled on my windbreaker. All the time, though, I wondered how I'd ditch Elton so I could save Seattle.
Now, I don't absolutely hate him or anything. It's just that he's taller, smarter, and handsomer than me. He's a star player in soccer, baseball, and tennis. Not only that, he keeps his room spotless. If I find a lucky penny in the street, he finds a lucky quarter. You get the idea.
While walking to Jerry's house, I devised a plan to sprint ahead and duck down a side street to lose him. Then I remembered, Elton could run much faster than me, too.
All right, on to Plan Two. Jerry and I would give Elton some impossible puzzle to solve. While he worked on it, we'd sneak out the back. No. Any puzzle Jerry and I'd come up with wouldn't stump genius Elton for long.
I'd just have to tell him the truth. "You've got to know something," I began as we passed beneath a long line of maple trees.
"What?"
"Well, you see, Jerry and I are working on a very important intergalactic problem."
"This is a joke, right?" he asked suspiciously.
"No. It's for real," I assured him. "An alien wants to destroy Seattle."
"Oh, I get it," said Elton sarcastically. "You're making up this dumb story to scare me off."
"That isn't it at all. He really wants to blow up Seattle--- or, at least, the Space Needle."
"Okay. I give up." Elton snickered. "Why the Space Needle?"
"He's convinced it's some kind of weapon aimed at his planet." This sounded crazy, even to me. So I tried to elaborate, "You see, he's gotten a lot of things mixed up about Earth. Like he thinks Jerry and I are ambassadors negotiating a peace settlement with him."
"Oh yeah, alien as in from another planet."
"Yes," I replied, "Zoombutt is from the planet Zantor."
"Zoombutt! His name is Zoombutt?" Elton laughed.
I winced. "I know, I know. It doesn't translate well. But that's his name."
"Right," he said with a sneer. "So why haven't you turned this Zoombutt over to the police or the army?"
"Like I said, he's mixed up a lot of things. He thinks all adults are our slaves."
Elton shot me a withering look.
Ignoring his scorn, I continued. "When Zoombutt first arrived, he noticed how our parents drive us places, cook our meals, work to support us--- all those sorts of things. So he came to the conclusion that they're our slaves." I cleared my throat. "He won't speak to adults because he's too important to deal with 'mere underlings.' "
Elton stared at me a moment. "I can't decide if you're completely deranged or the best storyteller I've ever heard."
"Look, I know this sounds strange. But Zoombutt really believes we've been assigned to negotiate with him."
"Right. And who gave you guys all this power?"
At this point I seriously considered lying. He already thought I was crazy. What difference would a little lie make? Problem was, it felt good to finally get this whole big mess off my chest.
"Jerry's cat, Suki."
Elton nearly spit out his retainer. "A cat?" he said, drawing out the word as if it were something foreign to him. "A real live cat?"
I nodded. Maybe I should've continued playing Monopoly and let the Space Needle blow up. He'd never understand why Zoombutt mistook Suki's natural aloofness for royal arrogance.
Elton laughed. He laughed so long and so hard that I began to worry. "Hey, I can play along," he said at last. "Let's meet this Zoombutt." He snickered. "Am I supposed to bow to the cat?"
"No," I replied evenly. "Just display proper respect and you'll be okay."
We walked in silence the rest of the way to Jerry's house. An uneasy feeling gnawed at me. Even though he'd acted like a jerk, shouldn't I prepare Elton more? After all, at first glance Zoombutt didn't appear... well, dangerous.
I glanced at Elton. He had an annoying, self-satisfied sneer plastered across his face. Forget being a nice guy, I thought. Let him find out for himself.
__________
Jerry frowned when he opened the door. "You brought your cousin!"
"I couldn't---"
"---avoid bringing me," Elton said, as he pushed past Jerry. "So, where do you guys keep your little green man from outer space?"
"He isn't green," Jerry blurted out angrily. "And he's--- oof!"
With a fast jab to Jerry's ribs, I finished, "---in the potting shed."
Jerry gave me a quizzical look.
As an afterthought, I added, "Probably conferring with the cat."
"You guys are real funny!" said Elton.
"Yeah!" I smiled sincerely. "It's a laugh a minute around here."
Jerry started to say something, but I motioned him to silence. "Come on, Elton," I said. "We'll show you the alien."
"Right," Elton said with a smirk.
Grabbing my cousin's elbow, I led him around the back of the house. "Here we are. Why don't you just peek through this crack. Let's not go in and disturb him."
"You think I'm dumb?" said Elton. "I want to inspect this alien up close." With that, he yanked open the door and stomped into the shed.
"Sorry, cousin," I whispered as I slammed the door shut and locked it.
Elton yelled and banged the walls, but the lock held.
"What are you doing?" Jerry asked in a frightened tone.
"Aw, he'll be all right in there," I replied. "We'll let him out after we've dealt with Zoombutt."
Finally, Jerry caught on. "Oh, I see." He cast a regretful look back at the shed. "Too bad about your cousin, though. Your mom'll have a fit when she finds out what you've done to him."
"Yeah. But that's nothing compared to what she'd do if I let him get you-know-what."
"You're right." Jerry sighed. "It's safer this way"
Turning back toward Jerry's house, we passed a row of garden statues. Looks like he's added a few squirrels; I thought while surveying the odd assortment of wildlife. Pretty soon someone's bound to notice.
As we crossed the lawn, the neighbor's Yorkshire terrier, Binkie, rushed out at us. "Yap, yap, yap! Yap, yap, yap!"
"Quiet!" whispered Jerry. "Ow!"
After nipping his ankle, Binkie continued. "Yap, yap, yap!"
"Hey," I growled. "Quiet or I'll call the cat."
That got him. After a few halfhearted yaps, Binkie scrambled back into his own yard.
Jerry raised. his pant leg. "I think he's broken the skin."
"We'll deal with that later," I told him. "How serious is the threat this time?"
"Pretty serious. He's playing with that Transmogrifier machine-thing of his. When I left, he was calculating wind velocity."
I sighed. "This is out of control. We'd better come to a final peace settlement soon. I can't handle many more of these emergencies."
"Me neither," agreed Jerry.
__________
No one in Jerry's family used their garage. What with all the old furniture, filing cabinets, and assorted junk, they had no room left for a car. In other words, the ideal hideout.
When we arrived, we found Zoombutt pacing from one end of the garage to the other. It was a pretty weird sight. Since his legs were so short, he kind of rolled more than walked. And, whenever he passed the paint compressor, his tiny arms waved up and down. I couldn't tell if he was arguing with the tools or just mumbling to himself.
Either way, I silently congratulated myself. Elton was much better off in the potting shed. One look at Zoombutt, and he'd surely do something stupid. Not that I'd blame him. You see, Zoombutt looked a bit like a three-foot-high potato with huge eyes and a big, bulbous nose. Most normal humans would find him funnylooking. Until they learned about his temper, that is.
Zoombutt stopped rolling and swiveled around to face us. "I am dismayed," he said in his helium-toned, squeaky voice.
"So sorry we're late, Commander." I bowed low. "But---!'
"I try and I try," he continued, "and still your ruler greets me with disdain."
Jerry's cat, Suki, sat on the shelf next to the painting supplies. Her deep green eyes narrowed to slits as her tail swished with annoyance.
How could I explain that disdain was the best you ever got from that cat? Instead, I tried to smooth things over. "Our ruler is not amused by your threats to destroy her favorite plaything."
"Plaything! Plaything!" Zoombutt's voice rose to a hysterical squeal. "Your crude attempts at humor do not mislead me, Ambassador. I know the true intent of your tower!"
Jerry nudged my elbow. "See what I mean?" he whispered. "He won't believe me when---"
"I hear your plotting!" squeeked Zoombutt.
"We were just conferring about---"
"Your crude communication mode is of no interest to me. Not when Zantor's safety is in jeopardy!"
"I understand your concern." For lack of anything better to do, I bowed again. "But that tower is merely a form of entertainment---"
"Enough! I've seen your slaves traveling up and down the energy shaft. I've seen its night beacon."
Jerry and I exchanged glances.
"I am not deceived," continued Zoombutt.
"We never thought---" started Jerry.
"Aha! So you admit it!"
"What I meant," wailed Jerry, "is it's only---"
Someone began clapping behind me. "Very good," boomed Elton's voice. "Very, very good."
I turned around. At that moment, my always-perfect cousin didn't look quite so perfect. Cobwebs clung to his tousled hair. Dirt and grease covered his face, shirt, and hands.
"You should have stayed in the shed, Elton," I said wearily.
"And missed this performance? No way, cousin. Why, your Mr. Potato robot alone is worth the price of admission. Bravo!" He continued clapping. "Are you manipulating it by strings? Or does it have a remote control?"
Zoombutt shot me an accusing look. "Who is this interloper?"
"Ignore him, Commander. He's merely my cousin."
"Cousin? What is this word, 'cousin'?"
I took a deep breath. "This cousin," I explained patiently, "is the offspring of my female parent's sibling. On Earth we call them family. It is our custom to make allowances for our family member's odd behavior."
Zoombutt scrutinized Elton, clearly considering him a lower life-form. "I understand this custom. I, too, must tolerate family members of substandard intelligence."
"Hey!" grumbled Elton.
"Stay out of the way and keep quiet," I warned under my breath.
But Elton wasn't about to do either. "No potato robot is going to insult me," he said loudly.
"Your loathsome family member appears to have serious defects in its thinking apparatus," said Zoombutt.
"All right," growled Elton. "I tried being a good sport with you guys, even after you locked me in that dark, dirty shed. I wanted you to accept me. But no more! I've had it!"
I'd never seen him like this. Usually he acted cool and in control. "Calm down," I said.
"Calm down, yourself!" yelled Elton. "I'm tired of you belittling everything I do."
That did it. "Well, I'm tired," I yelled back, "of always being compared to Mr. Perfect!"
"Ah, yes," observed Zoombutt. "We have similar family member discussions on Zantor."
"I can't help it if you're compared to me!" shouted Elton. "How do you think I feel, watching Mr. Popular rush off to do interesting things with his friends? Do you think I enjoy being everyone's second choice?"
Mr. Popular? Me?
Before I could comment, Zoombutt interjected, "Perhaps we should adjust its thinking synapses." He began pressing buttons and turning dials on his Transmogrifier. "A few minor adjustments will augment---"
"Give me that stupid thing!" Elton snatched the machine out of his hands, then raced out of the garage.
Zoombutt turned green with rage. "Your family member has malfunctioned beyond repair!" He grabbed his blaster and chased after Elton.
Jerry and I stared at each other in disbelief.
"Yap, yap, yap!" We heard Binkie barking like a maniac in the backyard.
"Traitors! Ambush!" shouted Zoombutt. "Your troops shall not trap me!"
ZAP blat blat blat blat blot!
"Oh no!" Jerry and I cried in unison and ran outside.
But the damage was already done. Binkie stood, petrified mid-yap. Near him were two stiffened squirrels, a couple of blue jays, and a frog with a very surprised expression on its face.
"Uh oh," I muttered under my breath. "More garden sculptures."
Lucky as always, Elton had missed being zapped in the skirmish.
Zoombutt fumbled with the buttons on the side of his blaster.
"'Now's our chance," whispered Jerry. "Let's get out of here before he recharges that thing."
But I couldn't leave my cousin. And, at that moment, poor Elton didn't look like he was going anywhere fast. He pointed at the Binkie-statue, stuttering, "He... he just... zap!... and... blat!... and then dog... FROZEN!"
"Fossilized would be more accurate," I corrected. "Or petrified or mineralized or---"
"Brian," wheezed Jerry. "Let's get out of here."
"Never did like that dog," I added.
"Brian, please! He could start blasting again."
Jerry was right. We had to act fast or I'd have a heck of a lot of explaining to do. Mom would hate it if I let an alien fossilize my cousin.
Not that Elton helped matters much. He continued staring at Binkie, mumbling to himself. Suddenly, I felt sorry for him. No matter how big a pain he might be, he didn't deserve being petrified.
The blaster emitted a high-pitched whine.
I needed a diversion. Anything to take Zoombutt's mind off Elton. I noticed Suki stalking a bird on the far side of the yard. If I could get her attention... but, no. Suki was no dummy. She wouldn't trade a nice plump bird for a few pats on the head.
Meanwhile, Zoombutt aimed his blaster straight at Elton.
Poor Elton turned pale. His jaw dropped. And then his retainer fell from his mouth, hitting the grass with a tiny plunk.
Zoombutt glanced at the twisted metal and plastic lying on the lawn, "What has your loathsome relative been concealing?" he asked as he picked up the retainer and inspected it.
My stomach did a triple flip. We were sunk, absolutely sunk.
Zoombutt sniffed Elton's retainer. A tiny glob of spit slowly dripped from the mouthpiece.
I contemplated my future as a piece of lawn statuary
But instead of the blaster's shrill zap, I heard a contented little sigh. Zoombutt couldn't hide his excitement as he eagerly turned the retainer this way and that, examining every detail.
What was going on? "I hate to disturb you, Commander---" I said.
Clutching the retainer protectively against his chest, he attempted a nonchalant pose. "Where did you find this... artifact?"
Jerry laughed. "Oh, it's just--- ouch!"
I stomped down hard on his foot. "You know how it is," I said, trying to sound cool and witty, like movie heroes always do when they're bargaining with the bad guy. But my voice cracked as I added, "They turn up here, there---"
Zoombutt was too busy cuddling the retainer to notice my nervousness. "You wouldn't happen to have any more of these?" he asked casually.
"Oh, yeah---" said Jerry.
I quickly interrupted. "Of course, they aren't easy to find. I'll need my assistant, there---" I indicated Elton "---to help me."
"Ah! I understand," said Zoombutt. "The family business."
I nodded.
"Odious as they can be at times, family has its uses," he said. Then his eyes took on a sly glint. "May I take this item to Zantor? For study! Purely for scientific study!"
"One must make sacrifices," I said, "to fulfill family obligations."
Zoombutt chuckled. "Your ruler is truly wise to choose such a clever negotiator." Then he got that shrewd, almost sneaky, look again. "So I must leave now."
"What about the Space Needle?" asked Jerry.
I kicked him, but not in time.
Zoombutt's tiny fingers drummed lovingly on the retainer. "Unfortunately, pressing matters await me on Zantor. For the moment, I am willing to overlook your Space Needle. But I shall return."
"I understand," I replied.
Zoombutt cackled with glee. Then, tapping the retainer, he said in a conspiratorial tone, "This will purchase a handsome spacecraft on Zantor."
"I'm sure it will," I said, managing to keep a serious face.
"But, you can't leave Binkie like this!" cried Jerry.
Zoombutt studied the little Binkie-statue. "Yes, a most valiant warrior." He thought a moment, then giggled. "What a spacecraft I shall build! I feel magnanimous, so" he pressed the side panel of his blaster and zapped Binkie "I give you back your comrade."
Gradually, Binkie melted back to his real-life colors. He shook himself, then tried to yap. No sound came out.
"Unfortunately," said Zoombutt with sincere regret, "the reversal process affects the voice generator. I am afraid that, henceforth, his communication skills shall be seriously limited."
"We'll manage," I replied dryly.
"I must leave now," Zoombutt said with undisguised haste. "I can't wait! My spacecraft shall have a moon-room and a sand-bathing area..."
He picked up the Transmogrifier, adjusted a few dials, then disappeared in a beam of yellow light.
"Whew!" said Jerry. "I can't believe it!"
"Me neither," I said.
At our feet, Binkie continued silently yapping. He looked like one of those mimes who pretend they're trapped inside an invisible box.
"I think I like him better this way," I said.
"Yeah," agreed Jerry. "But what about your cousin?"
Elton hadn't moved. He still had that pale, sick look on his face.
"Elton?" I shook him. "Elton? Come on. Snap out of it!"
"Huh?"
"Everything's all right, now," I said.
"You tricked that space guy to save me."
"Well, yeah. I guess I did."
He gave me a big bear hug. "You must actually like me."
What could I say? Of course I liked him. He was family.
"But what will you do when Zoombutt returns?"
"That's right," chimed in Jerry. "What are we going to do?"
"Do? Well, first thing, we'll need more retainers," I said, already laying out a plan.
It suddenly struck me: I'd developed a real knack for interplanetary negotiations. One thing was certain, though. Zoombutt would have to show a little more respect if he wanted a good deal next time.