FOR THE next forty-eight hours, she scarcely left the net. When she did, it was to face nightmares in her sleep and imagined ghosts in the hallways of the ship. She couldn't eat. Twice, she woke sweating to the vision of Mogurn's face leering at her out of the air. She never turned off the light, but that didn't seem to matter; anytime she allowed her mind to rest, her guard to fall, she was jerked back by visions of Mogurn.
In the net, it wasn't that much better; but the net, at least, was partly under her control. She flew through thundering, menacing skies, flashing with lightning and rain. The ship was buffeted by winds, tossed by unexpected turbulences. Through it all she flew fast and hard, determined to reach Lexis in the shortest possible time. Fatigue meant nothing to her anymore. Once, she thought she saw Mogurn's face rising through the mists of the Flux, rotating to face her, challenging her with a glassy-eyed stare; and for a long, heart-stopping moment, she thought that she had finally met her match. How could she hope to battle a spirit that had no physical reality? And then, as the fear washed through her and ebbed away, she knew that it was her own thoughts that had placed Mogurn there. And if her thoughts could bring him, they could send him away.
Leave me, you wraith. You are nothing, she whispered into the mists. And he smiled cruelly and drew closer, or seemed to.
In the end, it was only by darting past him, by outrunning him in the winds of the Flux, that she managed to escape from the ghostly Mogurn. Once he was gone, though, he never returned—not as long as she remained in the net.
Hours passed, two days passed, and the dim flecks in the distance drew steadily nearer.
* * *
The mists slowly evaporated around her as the ship rose through the layers of the Flux, surfacing toward normal-space. Moments later, Jael and her ship emerged into star-spiked blackness, into the grand emptiness of ordinary night, the infinity into which women and men had been born. At first she didn't even try to take a navigational mapping; she simply gave a tremendous sigh of relief and luxuriated in the view.
Then she checked, and yes, that yellow star blazing against the night was the sun of Lexis. She had reached her destination star system, or its edge. She called at once to the Lexis spacing authorities and asked for a tow.
It was two days now since Mogurn had attacked her. They had been two of the longest days of her life, and during them she had learned several things. She had learned that she still wanted the pallisp, though it was gone; and she didn't know if she ever would be free of the yearning. And she had learned that she could still combat the desire—as long as the pallisp was broken, and the temptation out of reach. Her determination to be free of it was as undiminished as her desire for it.
She prayed to be freed of the nightmares, too. In some of them, it was she who died, not Mogurn. In others, it was not Mogurn she killed, but her father. And she wondered, had her father been as mad as Mogurn? She remembered times when he had stood before her, ranting incoherently, "Master your demons, Jael, master your demons or they'll rule you," babbling advice he'd never taken himself. In the ship's log, she had recorded an exact description of Mogurn's attack and her own self-defense—partly for the record, and partly in hopes of purging her mind of the horror. It had helped a little, but not much.
One question still unresolved in her mind was, what were the chances that anyone in the starport would believe her about the dragons—or should she even tell them? She felt somehow that her relationship with Highwing was a private thing, not to be shared with strangers; there was much about it that she didn't understand herself. She might have her hands full convincing the authorities that she was telling the truth about Mogurn's death. Would they be more or less likely to believe her if she added a fantastic-sounding story about dragons in the Flux?
She would just have to wait and see. The planet Lexis was light-hours away, on the far side of its sun.
It was, in fact, more than another full shipday before the tow appeared; and by that time, with nothing to do but worry, she was in a state of almost complete emotional exhaustion. Then the tow appeared, an angelic emissary glowing golden in the night. It locked itself to her ship and sped inward toward Lexis. During the ride in, there were administrative questions to be answered, since the tow service and landing rights were not free. Jael tried for a time to avoid questions about why the ship's master was unavailable to speak for himself. She wasn't sure how her word would stack up against presumptions in favor of a ship owner, and she was fearful that the tow might simply disconnect and leave her here at the edge of interstellar space if its master began to suspect that he might not be paid for his towing services.
Inevitably, though, the questions from Lexis became more pointed, and finally she sent a com-squirt containing the relevant portion of the log. That shocked the spacing authority into near silence until the tow had brought her into orbit around the pretty blue-and-white, but cold-looking, planet; and until they'd descended into the swirling atmosphere and landed, and the tow had detached and moved on to its next fare.
Jael was met at the airlock by police officers and driven to the nearby administration building. She had about a minute to enjoy the view—the spaceport was situated atop a broad plateau, and ringed by beautiful, snow-covered mountains—before she was hustled into the spaceport police station, a small office in one corner of the building.
The feeling of unreality did not go away then; it simply changed. Numerous officers interviewed her, together and in shifts, so that she could hardly keep track of who was who. At least one, she thought, was a mind-prober. She hadn't anticipated that. They questioned her for hours. They asked how Mogurn had died, and repeated the question, again and again. She told them, and retold them, in excruciating detail. They asked how Mogurn had happened to harass her to the point that she'd felt it necessary to kill him. They asked whether she had provoked him. She answered that she had refused his attempt to use an addicting device on her. They pressed, asking whether she had done anything else to anger him. She hesitated, then answered that she and Mogurn had disagreed on some navigational decisions. One officer cocked his head and gazed at her, but the others seemed satisfied by that. For an instant, she was tempted to mention the dragons, but she held her tongue. They asked about Mogurn's criminal record, and about her criminal record. She didn't have one, she answered heatedly. She told them to look in Mogurn's cabin for evidence of his. Asked about the ship's cargo, she said she knew nothing about it. Eventually an officer brought her something to eat. A while later, they told her that they'd checked the cargo, and at least a third of it was quasi-med equipment and drugs, all illegal under this jurisdiction, and probably on the planets of origin. They asked her what she thought about that. She didn't know what to think. She wasn't surprised, though. Mogurn, she told them, had been a thief and a madman. But she couldn't tell whether or not they believed her.
Eventually she was installed in a small dormitory room and told she would be staying there until her case was disposed of. The officer who locked her in gave her the closest thing she'd had to reassurance since her arrival. He smiled—just for a second, before the door opaqued—and told her not to worry.
Easy for you to say, she thought, though not without a flicker of appreciation. She. collapsed onto the bunk and fell at once into a dreamless sleep.
* * *
"Miss LeBrae? Wake up."
"What?" She sat upright with a start, prepared to leap to safety. She blinked, trying to reorient herself to the strange surroundings. A light blue room; someone standing in the doorway. Mogurn?
"Take it easy," said the uniformed woman, entering cautiously. "I didn't mean to startle you."
"Oh," sighed Jael, remembering where she was. Her mind was whirling already. She was a prisoner here, and she didn't know when she'd be free again. But it was safe here, at least. Almost certainly it was safe.
"It's time for breakfast, and then they want to talk to you again." The woman's eyebrows arched, but it wasn't clear whether it was a friendly expression or a suspicious one.
"Mind if I shower?"
"Take your time. I'll be back." The woman turned away and the door opaqued.
Jael trudged into the little lavatory. She peered into the mirror. She thought that the eyes that stared back at her looked tired, and not just tired—older. She ran a hand futilely through her hair, and with a shrug, stepped out of her clothes and into the shower.
The woman was waiting for her when she emerged, dressed.
Jael accompanied her down the hall, and down to ground level. "Where are we going?" she wondered aloud. She also wondered what the woman's name was, but she'd probably been told once already, and she didn't want to ask.
"I told you. To eat."
"Yes, but where?"
The woman glanced at her in surprise. "You're a rigger, aren't you? We're going to the rigger dining room."
Jael blinked but didn't answer right away. "As a guest, or as a prisoner?" she asked finally, as they trotted down a flight of stairs to the basement level. There seemed to be nothing but hallways here, no big lobby, as on Gaston's Landing.
"What?"
"Am I a guest or a prisoner?"
The officer shrugged. "Hard to say, I guess. In here." She directed Jael into a small cafeteria, which was nearly deserted, and said, "Just get what you want and give them this chit." She handed Jael a small piece of plastic.
"Aren't you eating?"
"I'll be right here by the door. Only riggers eat here. Take your time."
Jael raised her eyebrows. "Okay," she murmured.
* * *
As she ate her breakfast—real eggs and real bread, a hearty stuff with texture and grain nuggets that, thank heaven, she could see and taste and chew—she eyed a rigger sitting in the far corner of the room. She'd noticed him because he had watched her enter, and watched her sit down, and then not looked her way again for several minutes. It took her a little while to realize that he was not entirely human.
What, exactly, he was, took her longer to decide.
His skin had a bluish silver tint to it, and his face was unusually angular—wide at the top, narrower at the bottom—not exactly wedged-shaped, but that was the closest description that came to mind. His eyes seemed odd, but she was too far away to tell why. She wondered, as she chewed her knobby bread, if he might be a Clendornan rigger, from the far side of the known galaxy. He seemed to fit the description, and Clendornan were known as skilled riggers; but of course, there were riggers of all sorts in the starports—human and otherwise—and she would probably be seeing far stranger-looking people before she was through.
When she glanced back at her escort, she saw the woman checking her wristwatch impatiently. She was tempted to prolong her breakfast just to irritate the officer, but better sense prevailed. Finishing quickly, she disposed of her tray and went to rejoin her guard. "Ready."
The woman led her off down the hallway, and eventually back to the police office. Jael didn't ask what the hurry was. Maybe this was just how they operated here. Maybe they hadn't had this much excitement in a while.
The senior officer who had interviewed her yesterday ushered them both into his office. Today he seemed friendlier. "Did you have breakfast?" he inquired, motioning her to a chair. Jael nodded without speaking; she didn't trust anyone whose demeanor changed so easily from suspicious to solicitous. "Good," the officer said, taking a seat behind his desk. He scowled at something on his desktop, then looked up at Jael. He had a freckled and lined face, and thinning, flyaway hair. Commander Gordache, that was his name.
Jael returned a steady gaze. A part of her was afraid that they would lock her up for twenty years; another part of her didn't care. She'd done nothing wrong. She believed that, even if no one else did.
Gordache cleared his throat. "Miss LeBrae, I'm sure you're anxious for this to be over. As we are. First, I should tell you that we've examined the ship's records and found nothing to contradict what you gave us yesterday. Besides the indictments against Captain Mogurn, we found records indicating that several previous riggers left the ship under unfavorable circumstances. One, at least, took a psych-med discharge." Jael's breath caught; she swallowed, and nodded. "Now, the so-called pallisp that you described has been examined, and found to be a patently illegal psych-med tool. Dangerous as hell. And pretty rare. It took our fellows a while to identify it." He frowned, tapping the desktop with one finger. "Also, a hand weapon was found in the cargo hold near the hatch, which would seem to corroborate your account of an assault against you."
Jael blinked, momentarily baffled. Weapon? Then she remembered—when she'd hit Mogurn with the wrench, something had dropped out of his hand as he'd gone down. She nodded, biting her lip. "I see. Yes."
Commander Gordache looked back at his notes. "It was a narcotic gun, actually, loaded with a rather nasty coercive. You're lucky to have avoided it, I'd say."
Jael's vision darkened as she remembered the struggle. She felt her hands, her fingertips twitching as they began to re-fight the battle with Mogurn. A coercive. To make me docile for the rape? Damn him forever . . .
Gordache looked at her oddly. "However, there is something else here, based on our interview yesterday. There is a notation from the mind-probe operator—you knew you were under mind-probe, didn't you?—to the effect that you appeared to be concealing something in the matter of your disagreement with Captain Mogurn over the navigational decisions,"
Jael exhaled slowly, fearfully.
"There is no indication of falsehood in your testimony, just that there's something you weren't saying." Gordache's eyebrow went up. "Would you like to tell me what that was?"
Jael closed her eyes, feeling her heart thump. How could she tell him? Would this policeman believe that she'd been befriended by a dragon in the Flux? It would sound preposterous. On the other hand, the legends of dragons were no secret, even if no one believed in them. "It's . . . hard to explain," she muttered.
"Why is that, Ms. LeBrae?"
She took a deep breath, and expelled it forcefully. "Dragons," she said, raising her eyes to meet Gordache's. "We argued over dragons along the route."
The policeman scratched behind one ear. "Dragons?"
"You know the stories, don't you? Everyone does. You know, talk of dragons along the mountain route in that direction, and of riggers dueling with them and all."
"I've heard the stories, yes."
"Well—" Jael took another breath "—the mountain route seemed better to me, as I was rigging, and so I went that way, and . . ."
"And what?"
She glanced for an instant at the female officer, who seemed to be listening with the blankest expression possible. "And, well . . . we encountered dragons."
Gordache's expression narrowed. "You mean that you encountered manifestations in the Flux which seemed, to you, to be images of dragons?"
Jael hesitated. Was it worth arguing to the police that the dragons were real, that they were living creatures? Would the police believe her? Would they care? Did it matter? They weren't riggers. She sighed and nodded slowly. Let him call them manifestations. It was simpler that way.
"I see." Gordache frowned. "And was there dueling?"
Jael shrugged noncommittally.
"Well, did these dragon images endanger your ship, or the safety of your passage?"
"For a time, there was some . . . uncertainty."
"And then?"
Jael cleared her throat. "In the end, no. There was no danger to the ship."
"So you dealt with the images without mishap," Gordache said. Jael nodded. "But what was Captain Mogurn's reaction to this?"
"He was angry. Very angry." Her face grew hot. "And that's when he tried to force me—to take the—pallisp."
"Yes. Your statement on that is clear enough." Gordache's eyebrows formed a furrow in his forehead. He looked at the woman officer for a moment, then sighed. "Well, there's nothing more we need to ask you right now, I guess. Do you understand what the situation is?"
Jael hesitated. "Not really. Will I be allowed to leave? Will my contract be settled?"
Gordache shook his head. "Not quite yet, I'm afraid. You'll have to stay here at the port until the investigation is complete. But it does look as though you ought to be cleared of charges. Your contract might take a little longer to settle."
Jael nodded slowly, keeping her face impassive.
"You don't seem especially overjoyed."
She sighed. "It's . . . been a hard trip. I was sort of hoping that it would all be over."
"Of course. Understandably so." Gordache looked back down at his report. "Well, I think we can let you move over to the riggers' halls. But you must remain within the port area, and keep yourself available for questioning. Fair enough?"
Jael drew herself up straighter in her chair. "What about collecting my pay? I can't very well get it from . . . Captain Mogurn, now. I guess."
"That would be difficult," Gordache agreed. "Actually, you have put your finger on a particular difficulty."
"What do you mean?"
"Just that the disposition of the ship and its cargo could take some time. We have to determine the ownership of the vessel. Eventually, the legal portion of the cargo could be sold, and you—along with the tow company—would be compensated from the proceeds. But until then, I'm afraid there's just no way for you to be paid—even assuming that your contract is ruled valid."
"Ruled valid?" Jael looked from one officer to the other in panic. "What's to be ruled? We had a contract. Even if he went crazy and tried to—" Her voice choked off. "Even if he went crazy," she said carefully, "we still had a contract."
"Of course. From your point of view. But there are legal problems in executing an interrupted contract. Even when the cause of the breach is the death of one party, or—" he shrugged "—alleged felony. It will take time."
"Time? Time? And what am I supposed to do? I don't have any money!"
He gestured helplessly. "I understand your difficulty. Unfortunately, the law is the law. But it might be that we can make some arrangement for credit to be extended to you at the rigger quarters. Annie, can you look into that for her?"
The woman officer nodded.
"That's it?" Jael asked in disbelief. "That's all you're going to do?"
Gordache rose. "That's all we can do. I'm sorry. Annie, if you could take her now and assist in the arrangements . . ."
* * *
In her new quarters, in the cheapest private room available in the local rigger hall, Jael lay on her bunk in a state of nervous exhaustion and called to Highwing. Friend of Highwing! I am a friend of Highwing! In her thoughts, she cried out again and again. But there was no answer, and of course there could be none. Highwing's realm was light-years from here, and who knew when, if ever, she would fly that way again.
Nevertheless, I am a friend of Highwing, she thought, closing her eyes. Perhaps he can't reach me; perhaps he can't help. But if there were a way, he would. I know that. I must remember that.
I must believe it.
In truth, it was becoming harder now to summon, at will, the memory of the dragon, harder to bring his image clearly to mind. The experience was already losing some of its immediacy; it seemed worlds away, like a vivid dream, receding and fading against the curtain of passing time. Had she erred in not telling the police more about Highwing? It seemed clear that she would not have been taken seriously. Even she, before this flight, would not have believed it. And yet . . . it was a story that she needed to tell someone—to share the truth, the reality, the vision—if only to make it clearer and more tangible to herself. I won't lose you, Highwing! she vowed.
Reaching into her pocket, she drew out the chain that Dap had given her on the day of her departure. She'd found it in her duffel, where she'd dropped it when she'd packed and then forgotten about it. She held it up to the light and peered at the pastel rays diffusing through the stone pendant. She wondered at Dap's thought in giving it to her, wondered where Dap was now. Flying, perhaps. Or was he still on Gaston's Landing, trying to conquer his own fears, trying to bolster his inner confidence and resolve to match his outward display? Dap, I'm sorry . . . that I didn't know. That I didn't accept your apology. That you're almost as frightened as I am. She coiled the chain around her finger, and let it unwind to dangle again. There was no way to tell him, no way to make it up to him, unless he happened this way, or they met again in some other rigger port. But what were the chances of that?
She had to face the fact that she was alone now, more alone than ever before. If she was to have any companionship here, she would have to find it herself.
You must seek friends in your own world, Highwing had said.
But what did Highwing know of human society, of rigger society?
What do I know of it?
* * *
She awoke with a scream caught in her throat, unable to get air. There had been hands around her throat, trying to squeeze the life from her, hands that were torn from her by a light that her eyes could not see, a light that could not exist.
She gasped, trying to push the memory away. She rose up on one elbow, rubbing her eyes, reassured by the dull yellowish glow of the room light; reassured by the solidity of the bunk. She sank back, trembling. How much longer? she thought with despair. How much longer would she keep reliving the horror?
Finally she rose and went into the shower—a real water shower, not a swirl-mist—and she stood with steaming water pouring onto her head and running down her neck and shoulders, and she finally felt her tension release enough to let her tears flow and mix with the shower water, until the fear was washed away at last.