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Chapter 9

 

 

Once my "audition" was over, I got ordered around a lot. For hours. By everybody. It was "Wait here," and "Get in there," and "We'll be ready for you in a minute"—over and over, while I was hustled into things like elevators (only I never felt them move) and out of them into places that smelled funny and looked worse.

I didn't really make much sense out of what I was seeing. Two questions kept pushing themselves to the top of my mind. Neither of them had anything to do with the second moon of the seventh planet of the star Aldebaran. The first question was, would Marlene be ticked off at being left to deal with the post-filing problems of our clients? And the second was, what in the world had got into me to get myself into this fix? 

I didn't have good answers for either of them, or, indeed, to any of the million lesser questions that kept bobbing up. I don't remember when I noticed that I felt curiously light. I don't know at what point it occurred to me that I wasn't going to get a chance to slip into a phone booth (because there weren't any phone booths) and call the cops (because there wasn't anything that looked like a cop, even a French one) and get rescued, because nobody seemed to care about the fact that I needed rescuing. Everybody appeared to have concerns of their own.

When I say "everybody," I am including some mighty strange bodies. There were other people around—people who sometimes looked at me curiously and sometimes said, "Hi." But sometimes they weren't people at all—didn't even look like people—looked more than anything else like the kind of things you see on Saturday morning television.

Of course, I wasn't in really good shape for any of this. I was still catching up from the little difficulty in front of the Hotel Negresco. My head hurt, and I was still dizzy. After you get coshed you're unconscious, all right, but being unconscious isn't at all the same as a good night's sleep. I was shaky with fatigue—well, I was shaky, anyway. Part of it was fatigue. Part of it was the dawning conviction that somehow or other L. Knollwood Stennis had got himself into worse trouble than any tax audit.

"Don't worry," said motherly Norah Platt. "It will all straighten itself out after a while." 

She had said it before, guiding me around from weirdness :o weirdness. She kept on saying it. She was a tiny little woman, with a white bush of hair and a pink, horsy face. She beamed up at me with bright blue eyes as she led me along a corridor, doing her best to be reassuring.

"Are you really two hundred and whatever it is years old?" I asked her.

She sighed and smiled forgivingly. "Oh, Nolly—may I call you Nolly?—you're so full of questions. Yes, I am, but it's letter if you let Sam Shipperton tell you all that sort of thing. I'm sure he will, as soon as he's ready to see you. In there, please." And when I went "in there" it was a nearly bare room, with a door ajar. "Sit there," said Norah, "and wait till Sam calls you." She bustled over to peek in the door.

"He's here, Sam," she called. "Have you got his sandwiches?"

"On the table," said a man's voice. It sounded impatient, and then it lowered volume as it returned to a rumbling and chirping conversation on the far side of the door.

"Eat," said Norah, taking the lid off a covered dish to see what was under it. Sandwiches, wrapped in a white linen napkin. She approved. "Yes, these are fresh cut, and they look quite nice, don't they? You haven't eaten a thing, have you?"

I ignored the sandwiches. I said, "Who's Sam Shipperton?"

"But you've met him, dear! He's what you might describe as our booking agent. He's the one who arranged your audition. Poor dear man," she said sympathetically, "you're all confused, aren't you? And you haven't had any sleep, and I suppose you're quite confused by all this."

"You suppose exactly right!"

"Yes, well, it's always easier when you come as a volunteer. Still, once you make the adjustment you'll find it's quite nice here."

"Start with that! Where's 'here'?"

"Why," she said patiently, "I'm told that this is the second moon of the seventh planet of the star Aldebaran, but we just call it Narabedla. Won't you try your sandwiches? I asked for the chopped cheddar and watercress specially, but if there's something else you'd rather have—"

"What I'd rather have is answers!"

She pursed her lips. "Oh, indeed? Answers to what questions?"

"Well, to begin with, what are all these Loony-Tunes?"

"Loony-Tunes?"

"The funny-looking things! The creatures!"

"Ah, the natives," she said, nodding. "They are a bit offputting at first, aren't they? Well, to begin with, let's take the ones who were auditioning you. Meretekabinnda is the Mnimn—the little short one in front, you know?—he's really quite nice, and very interested in Earth music. Then there's Barak, who's a Ggressna, and I think there might have been an Aiurdi and a J'zeel. I'm afraid I didn't really pay much attention to them—it was a rather last-minute engagement, you know, and I simply didn't look. I suppose one of the Eyes of the Mother was there as well, but they're so small one doesn't always see them. Well, one wouldn't, would one? I mean, that's more or less what makes them so useful to everyone, isn't it?" 

I snarled, "How would I know?" 

"Yes, of course," she said soothingly. "Is that the sort of thing you wanted to know?"

"You left out the most important part! They aren't human."

"Well, of course they aren't human, Nolly," she said crossly. "We don't perform for human audiences here, do we? It's all the Fifteen Peoples—at least, the few among them who care for such things. Binnda and the others are the impresarios. They decide whether or not a given company can perform for their clientele, do you see?"

"I don't!" I glared at her. "Are you trying to tell me that this whole thing is just a scheme of Henry Davidson-Jones to kidnap opera singers for a bunch of Martians?"

"Oh, no, Nolly! Not only opera singers. And certainly there aren't any Martians. And nobody gets kidnapped—well, your own case is quite unusual, isn't it? And Mr. Davidson-Jones does much, much more than arrange tours for artists. But," she sighed, "from your point of view at the present time, well, yes, I suppose you could say that. Nolly? I'm really terribly sorry, but I do have another engagement. So if there's nothing else you need just now—"

"I need to know what's going on!" I yelled, but Norah just smiled serenely.

"When you're as old as I am," she said, "you'll learn to take just one day at a time." I scowled at her. She didn't mind. She just said, "Sit down on that nice, comfy puff, love. Eat something; you need your strength. Sam will call you when he's ready."

And she left me there, in that room with not even a chair, just a sort of warm, vibrating hassock that did its best to put me to sleep.

 

How do I explain what it was like to find myself, without warning, on the second moon of the seventh planet of the star Aldebaran?

The answer is, I don't. Not so anyone can really understand, anyway. I was like a chimpanzee suddenly snatched out of his African jungle home and dropped in the middle of Times Square. Nothing made sense. Everything was either scary or infuriating.

I should have been better off than the chimp, because I was better informed. After all, I was a pretty sophisticated, reasonably well-informed human being. I had traveled all over the world. I had heard all about the things people said about life on Mars (none there) and flying saucers (all unreal) and the far stars and the universe in general. I'd even watched Carl Sagan and Frank Drake and all those other somebody-must-be-out-there people on the Johnny Carson show, explaining how they were pretty sure that there probably were almost certainly some other intelligent races in the universe, most likely . . . but, unfortunately, not very many of them, they would add, because they'd been listening real hard on the big radio telescopes for a long time, and what they'd heard was zilch.

That was the big difference between me and the chimp. The poor chimp would have been astonished to find this new world possible. I, on the other hand, was triply bewildered, because I knew perfectly well it was impossible.

So I wasn't just angry, exhausted, and confused. I was in traumatic, if not indeed terminal, culture shock, and that was before I'd even met the Mother or seen the statue at Execution Square.

 

"I said you can come in now," snapped the voice of Sam Shipperton.

It woke me up. I'd drowsed off on that warm, vibrating hassock, with one of the sandwiches uneaten in my hand. Sam Shipperton was standing over me, and he wasn't alone.

The—ah—the thing with him was not at all human.

It was the same thing I had seen on top of the piano while I was singing, only now I could get a good look at it. What it mostly looked like was a big bedbug, the size of a dachshund. Maybe it looked a little more like one of those extinct things I used to get as rubbery plastic models out of the gum machines in Asbury Park. Those were called trilobites. This particular trilobite-looking thing was standing on the table and chirping up at Shipperton as he stood there.

It was chirping in English, but so shrill and so fast that I couldn't quite make out the words. "Yeah, yeah," Shipperton said absently, glowering down at me. "I'll take care of it."

There was a final admonitory burst of chirping from the bedbug. Then it hopped down from the table and scurried out the door.

"So they say," Shipperton said sourly after it. Then to me: "What a mess. You've turned up at a bad time, Stennis. But come on in, while I figure out what the hell to do with you."

I was still half asleep. I had no better ideas, so I followed, munching on the sandwich and staring around.

In my time I've been in any number of booking agents' offices. Never one like that. Like any agent, Shipperton had a big desk. It didn't resemble any regular desk. It wasn't mahogany or bleached oak or knotty pine or any of those other trendy things. It wasn't wood at all. I didn't know what it was. Most of the desk was ebony black, but the top of it was, I suspected, one huge computer screen. It was a mosaic of small, square images. As Shipperton absently reached out and tapped on one or another of them, they flickered and flowed, faster than my eye could follow. They meant something to Shipperton, though, because he was staring at them disconsolately.

The rest of the furnishings were standard enough—well, some of them were. Somewhat standard. That is, he had the kind of impressive-expensive furniture that you'd get in the office of a really big-time agent, or a small-timer willing to invest the money to look big. There was the traditional casting couch, huge, deep blue, and upholstered in what looked and felt like real leather. There were a chair and a hassock to match, and a coffee table with a vase of fresh-cut flowers between two tastefully displayed sheaves of magazines. The magazines were dentist's-office regulars—National Geographic and People and so on, with Variety and the Hollywood Reporter mixed in. All recent issues, too. The flowers were harder to be sure of. One kind was lilacs. Another might have been hibiscus, and another I didn't recognize at all, but collectively they smelled sweet. There was a deep, figured rug, maybe Persian. And there were no windows at all.

The reason there were no windows was that every inch of wall space was filled with small, square pictures, from about hip height to the ceiling. I thought at first they were photographs. Silly me! They were more of those computery kinds of things, because I saw that as Shipperton played with his desk top some of them blurred and changed. The one good thing was that they were all of people. Human people. Most of the pictures were of people I'd never seen, but then I recognized the sweet old face of Norah Platt. It occurred to me to see if I could find Woody Calderon among them, but Shipperton didn't give me time.

He took his attention off the desk top and gave it to me. "What a day," he said morosely. "The Polyphase Index is still dropping, in spite of everything, and what I just had to tell the Mother was that your audition was a bust."

I had already made up my mind to say what I wanted to get off my chest regardless of anything this man might have to say. I plunged right in. "Shipperton, I was brought here by force and against my will. That's kidnapping, and that makes you an accessory to a capital crime. And—" I stopped in the middle of my planned speech, having taken in what he had just said. I finished, "What do you mean, my audition was a bust?"

He said sourly, "A bust. As in forget it. I thought for a minute that I might talk some of them into letting you sing for them, like any regular artist. But you stank. So that's out; and now what am I going to do with you?"

I opened my mouth. Then I closed it again. I'd made my protest; it was on record, for whatever that was worth—certainly not much. I didn't really have anything more to say.

Sighing, Shipperton got up and went to a little desk at the side of the room; it opened and revealed a coffeepot with cups. He filled two of them and shoved one at me before he sat down again. "I wish they hadn't dumped you on me right now," he complained. "Things are still real tense over that colonization thing with the Bach'het, and everybody's pretty tired of song recitals anyway. No," he warned, as I started to open my mouth, "don't give me an argument right now. Just keep it down while I think."

I didn't see any alternative to that, and besides I wanted to finish my sandwich. So I did.

Whatever Shipperton was, he didn't look like a traditional booking agent. He wasn't one of the female ones in a tailored suit, and he wasn't one of the fat and fifty ones with a big cigar. Shipperton looked to be about thirty-five. He was wearing a plaid lumberjack's shirt with the sleeves rolled halfway up his forearms, showing a blue tattoo of a peace sign. He had a strong, long nose, and red sideburns to go with his red hair. The hair came down to his shoulders. He pulled restlessly at a strand of it as he said, "You can't tap-dance or anything, can you?"

I almost choked on the last of my sandwich. "No, I can't tap-dance! Let's get to the point. I was knocked out and kidnapped, and I want to go home right away."

"Forget that," he snapped. "That's just out. O-u-t, out. You know, I really hate it when I have to do orientation. They're suppose to take care of that on Earth." On Earth echoed awfully in my mind. So it was all true, then! "So just listen up. First, you can start out by forgetting about American kidnapping laws, Stennis. You're not in the United States now."

I stuck to my guns—unloaded though they might be. "Henry Davidson-Jones is. Sometimes, anyway. He'll have a lot to explain to the cops as soon as Mar—"

I swallowed the rest of Marlene's name . . . a little too late, maybe.

"You were going to mention a name?" he asked politely.

"Woody," I said promptly. "Woody Calderon. Where is he?" Shipperton looked puzzled, and I amplified: "He's a cellist. You snatched him maybe three, four months ago."

"Oh, that guy." Shipperton nodded and reached for his desk top. "Let's see if I can skry him for you." When he touched things on the desk top, it turned into a mosaic of panels, like the one on his walls. Each little square had an image—a piano, a woman's face straining in song, kettledrums—there were dozens of them. Shipperton put his finger on the one that displayed a cello.

At once nearly all the wall pictures disappeared. The few that remained expanded and turned into human faces with cryptic numbers and figures around them.

Woody Calderon's sad, smiling, ineffectual face looked at me out of one of the pictures. As Shipperton did something else, the other pictures disappeared and next to Calderon appeared a drawing of an alien. It was a sort of sticklike, praying-mantis parody of a more or less human, or anyway biped and erect, figure.

"Woody Calderon, right," Shipperton said. "He's fine. He's on tour with the Ptrreek right now. He ought to be back here in—let's see—well, maybe a week. It might be more than that; depends on whether Barak wants him for anything. Friend of yours?"

"A very good friend," I said belligerently. "I was the one who reported him missing to the police." That was a stretch of the truth, but, I thought, worth putting in on the chance that it might worry Shipperton.

It didn't at all. The word "police" didn't even register. He just said, "Well, your friend Calderon's doing all right for himself here. He's made a good adjustment. He's done three tours already—all modern stuff that the other cellists never learned—and he's got a nice cash balance in his bank account to show for it. Now, let's talk about you."

"The only thing about me is I want to go home!"

"But we can't let you do that, Stennis," he said gently. "Get used to the idea, will you? You're on Narabedla for good. There's no sense in getting on my case about it. I don't have anything to say about it; I can't go home either."

He didn't sound as though that bothered him. "Well, who can do something about it?" I demanded.

"Nobody on Narabedla, that's for sure. Nobody human, anyway, and, believe me, I promise you none of the others care. But look," he said reasonably, "will you listen while I tell you the score? You're an extra. We didn't try to recruit you. We didn't want you. We're just stuck with you, and your tryout didn't impress those guys. As I see it, you've got no place here,"

"That's fine with me! Send me home."

He just shook his head.

 

In the clear, cool glow of hindsight, I can see that Sam Shipperton wasn't at all a bad man. He didn't even look like a villain. What he looked like was any midwestern liquor-store dealer, settling down to a career after having his fling with the counterculture, bothered by some unexpected business worry on his weekend off. His clothes were California casual; he had beige Adidas on his feet, and when he got up to refill his coffee cup I could see the authentic leather label on the hip pocket of his Levi's. He put the cup down and sat on the edge of his desk, looking at me with wary cordiality. "What they suggested for a second choice," he said, "was that you be employed administratively. Administratively my ass! Sometimes they're real stupid back in the home office. I'm the only administration we've got here, not counting natives, and there isn't enough work to keep me busy, really. So—"

"Hold it a minute," I ordered. "You're going a little fast there. If that was the second choice, what was the first?"

"Ah, well," he said, sounding embarrassed, "we can forget that one. It really was not a good idea."

"What was it?"

He looked uncomfortable. "They suggested slow storage." I blinked at him and he explained. "They slow you down, you know. Just keep you on ice, so to speak—oh, not real ice! You wouldn't feel a thing, it's just that if we woke you up five or ten years later you'd only think a couple of hours had gone by."

"I don't like hearing that 'if' in there. What do you mean, 'if' you woke me up?"

He said defensively, "Well, that's kind of the point, isn't it? What would be the use of waking you up? What would be different in ten years? If we could find something for you to do then, we could find it now." He looked at me seriously. "But you should remember that slow storage is always an option, Stennis. So don't screw yourself up trying to do it to us, okay? Because you're the one that'll get screwed. Keep in mind that we're not running some white-slave gang. Narabedla Limited's a perfectly legitimate import and export business—legitimate by local standards, anyway, and it really doesn't matter what it is by any others, does it? The Fifteen Peoples get what they want. Narabedla Limited gets what it wants. And the artists get, really, not so tacky a deal at all. There's money to be made, and there's fun to be had. You'll see. Of course, most of the people who come through volunteer for it, you know. They know what they're getting into—well, they sort of do, anyway; maybe we weren't all up front with them about the geography, like. They've got talents that they can sell here for a better price than at home, they get well paid, there's no problem—anyway," he clarified, "after the first shock there isn't. Maybe right at first they're pretty pissed off. But when they see what a sweet deal they've got—What's the matter?" he asked irritably, as I cut him off in the middle of his sales pitch. 

I reminded him, "You said I failed the audition." 

"Oh, yeah." He thought for a minute, brushing his hair out of his eyes to look at a Patek-Philippe watch on his wrist. "Well," he said, coming down, "I'll have to see what I can do about that, won't I? All right. Get out of here and let me work. I'll talk to Binnda again. Maybe he'll have some ideas. Right now you probably ought to get some sleep. There's a vacant house you can use; I'll get a Kekkety guide to take you over, and—Now what? No more complaints about being kidnapped, you hear me?"

"Not about my being kidnapped. I just want to know what happened to the woman I was with. Is Irene Madigan here?"

"No, you were the only one to come through lately. St isn't here. And, Jesus, I hope it stays that way."

 

 

 

 

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