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Chapter 10

At three o'clock the next morning Dapper Dan tried kill himself.

Big Alvin pounded on the door to the trailer until he finally woke us up. He was standing there in only his T-shirt and jeans, totally oblivious to the snow and wind, and screaming that Thaddeus had to get over to the dormitory tent right away.

As always when there was an emergency concerning the carnival, Thaddeus was up and dressed and reasonably wide awake in less than a minute. I can't move as fast as most people, and it took me about three minutes just to get out of my pajamas and into my clothes, and another minute or so to reach the tent. When I entered it Thaddeus was already working on the Missing Link, who was weakly trying to push him away. "Mustard!" he snapped at Alvin. The big guy just stood there with an uncomprehending look on his face. "Dammit, Alvin! Get me a jar of mustard!"

"Any particular kind?" asked Big Alvin.

"Just get it, you dumb son of a bitch!" bellowed Thaddeus.

Alvin shrugged and went out the door, obviously on his way to one of the concession stands. I walked over to Queenie's kitchen, found a bottle of yellow mustard, and brought it to Thaddeus.

He took it from me without a word and poured half its contents into Dapper Dan's mouth. The Missing Link fought against it, but finally swallowed the stuff.

"Stand back!" Thaddeus ordered the other aliens, who had all crowded around. "Give him air!"

A moment later Dapper Dan clutched his belly, and a few seconds after that he began vomiting. Thaddeus, a disgusted look on his face, held the apeman's head until he was finished.

"Don't just stand there, Treetop!" he hollered. "Get something to clean this up with."

He turned to me. "Do you know what that bastard did? He took a whole bottle of Four-Eye's sodium pills. Swallowed every last one of them." He put a hand on Dapper's shoulder and looked down at him. "You poor dumb monkeyman. If you want to kill yourself, you don't announce that you've taken the pills until they've had time to get into your system. Now all you're gonna have is one hell of a bellyache." He took the edge off his voice. "Are you feeling any better?"

Dapper Dan made no answer.

"Would the sodium have killed him?" I asked dubiously.

"Who knows?" responded Thaddeus wearily. "I think fresh air and sunshine would kill half of them. For all I know his standard diet is bird shit."

"I will try again," said Dapper Dan softly.

"I don't doubt it," said Thaddeus.

Dapper Dan looked up at him. "Why couldn't you let me die?"

"Maybe next time I will," said Thaddeus.

"I hope so," said Dapper Dan.

"Jesus Christ, what the hell's the matter with you?" snapped Thaddeus. "You're getting fed, you're not being beaten, there's always a chance that Romany will find you. What the hell do you want to die for?"

"Leave him alone, Thaddeus," I said.

"Let me tell you something, Tarzan," he continued, ignoring me completely. "If it was me instead of you, I'd have made twenty escape attempts already. I'd be lying in wait for you every time you walked into the tent. I'd go an a hunger strike instead of just threatening to. It doesn't take any brains or guts to kill yourself—or maybe it does, considering how badly you botched it. What kind of people are you, anyway?"

Dapper Dan looked as if he was going to say something, but suddenly tried to vomit again. Nothing came up, and he finally lay back, exhausted, on his cot.

"Just lie still and try to relax," said Thaddeus, picking up a towel and mopping the Missing Link's face. "You start moving around and you'll start heaving again. There's been enough stupidity around here for one night."

"Please go away," said Dapper Dan softly.

"When I'm ready to," replied Thaddeus. He sat on the edge of the cot and took Dapper Dan's pulse. "I wish I knew what the hell was normal for you," he said after a moment or two. Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigarette, lit it, and took a long drag. "That must be some world you come from, apeman."

"What do you mean?" whispered Dapper Dan.

"Well, you'd rather kill yourself than stay away from it."

"I would rather die than remain in bondage," said Dapper Dan.

"That's an interesting conclusion to reach in less two weeks. Don't they have any jails on your world?"

"No."

"You're kidding!" scoffed Thaddeus. "What do when someone breaks the law?"

"No one does," said Dapper Dan.

"I don't believe you."

"What you believe is of no importance to me."

"Other than the freedom to pretend you're a sideshow freak for Ahasuerus instead of really being one for me," said Thaddeus, "just what is important to you?"

"My family and my God," said Dapper Dan.

"In that order?"

"There is no order. They are the same."

"Ancestor worship?"

Dapper Dan shook his head weakly. "You would not understand."

"Try me."

"To what purpose? Whether I die now or I die later, I must search for my God alone."

"You make it sound like he's lost," said Thaddeus with a smile.

"God is not lost," said Dapper Dan so softly that I had trouble hearing him. "But I am."

"What the hell do you mean by that?" asked Thaddeus.

Dapper Dan merely closed his eyes and turned side.

"I heard him speak about it earlier this evening," I said. "As I understand it, he believes his soul will be lost if he dies without the sacraments of his religion."

"Is that right?" said Thaddeus thoughtfully.

"He was very distressed at the thought of dying away from home," I said.

"So he tries to kill himself rather than take the chance he might die here sometime in the future," said Thaddeus. "That's about as logical as these jokers get."

"He's been pretty depressed, Thaddeus," I said. "I don't think he's thinking very clearly."

"Well," said Thaddeus, a puzzled frown crossing his face, "he seems to be clear on one point." He touched Dapper Dan gently on the shoulder. "You'd really rather go to hell for all eternity than spend another day here?"

"Yes!" howled the Missing Link.

His huge hairy body was wracked by sobs, and Thaddeus suddenly stood up like he'd been shot through with electricity. For just a moment he looked like he had no idea what to do next. Then his cigarette burned down to his fingers, he cursed and threw it on the ground and snuffed it out with his shoe, and the moment was gone.

"I think he's wigged out," he said, staring at the huge alien weeping out his misery. He walked over to one of the tables and sat down at it. "Between Alma and the monkeyman, this has been a very enlightening evening," he said caustically. "Tojo, get me a cup of coffee."

While I was preparing it, Mr. Ahasuerus walked over to Thaddeus and awkwardly seated himself on a chair that was much too small for him.

"He will try again," said the blue man.

"It doesn't make any sense," said Thaddeus. "If he's afraid to die away from home, killing himself is about the last thing he should be considering."

"He won't do it because it is sensible," said Mr. Ahasuerus. "He has been in a severe depression."

I arrived with the coffee.

"Thanks," said Thaddeus. He turned to the blue man. "You want a cup?"

"No, thank you."

"Has Dapper Dan got a particular friend in this bunch, someone who could talk a little sense to him?" asked Thaddeus. "I can have him watched twenty-four hours a day but it would be a lot easier on all of us if I didn't have to."

"He spent a lot of time speaking with the Human Lizard and the Sphinx on the voyage to Earth," offered Mr. Ahasuerus.

"Tojo," said Thaddeus, "get Numa and Albert over here."

I sought out the two aliens. Numa refused to speak with Thaddeus, but Albert followed me to the table.

"Your friend Dapper Dan has gone off the deep end," said Thaddeus, as the Human Lizard took a seat.

"I don't understand."

"He's become irrational."

"Why?" hissed Albert the Alligator. "Because he doesn't like slavery?"

"Because he tried to kill himself," said Thaddeus patiently. "And I gather that according to his beliefs, this is not exactly the best way to enjoy a happy afterlife."

"He's going to die on your world anyway," said Albert in his distinct and sibilant whisper. "Why not get it over with as soon as possible, so that he can begin searching for his deity immediately?"

"You're as crazy as he is!" snapped Thaddeus in exasperation.

"Because I see nothing wrong in his killing himself to avoid a lifetime of degradation?" hissed Albert.

"If it's such a tempting alternative, why haven't you tried it?" said Thaddeus.

"Because my situation is different," answered Albert. "This experience, distasteful as it is, constitutes only the smallest portion of my lifetime. I shall be alive centuries after you are nothing but an unpleasant memory."

Thaddeus shot Mr. Ahasuerus a quick look, and the blue man nodded.

"How comforting," said Thaddeus dryly. "I don't suppose all those years of experience you've piled up might give you a hint about Dapper Dan's situation?"

"His situation is intolerable," said Albert, staring unblinking at Thaddeus with his cold lifeless eyes. "It will remain intolerable until you release him."

"That wasn't exactly the answer I had in mind," said Thaddeus. "Can't you speak to him, tell him about the glories of his home world and of all the wonderful things that await him there?"

"There is nothing wonderful about his planet," hissed the Human Lizard.

"Maybe not to a refugee from the Reptile House," said Thaddeus, "but it must be a desirable place for him."

"I doubt it," said Albert. "It is a world of bitter extremes of climate and a totalitarian theocracy."

"That he believes in," said Thaddeus.

"Believing in his religion makes it no less oppressive," said Albert emotionlessly.

"Then talk to him about his family, about how much they'll miss him."

"They won't," replied Albert.

"What are you talking about?"

"He is an outcast."

Thaddeus turned to Mr. Ahasuerus. "How the hell did you put this group together—empty the jails and the loony bins?"

"I know nothing about this," said Mr. Ahasuerus.

"Suppose you enlighten us," said Thaddeus, turning back to the Human Lizard.

"He became an outcast when he elected to come here," said Albert. "The moment he missed his daily religious sacrament he ceased to exist to his family."

"Then why the hell did he come?" demanded Thaddeus.

"Had he returned he would have done certain penances—hideous penances, even by your standards—and he would have been exonerated. But until that occurs, he might as well be dead as far as his friends and family are concerned.

Indeed, he is less than dead to them."

"And he accepted that just to set foot on a little ball of shit spinning around a distant sun?" said Thaddeus uncomprehendingly. He turned to me. "He must be one unhappy monkeyman."

"He is," I said softly.

"I wonder what he thought he'd find here?" mused Thaddeus.

"Something other than what he found," hissed Albert coldly.

"How about you?" said Thaddeus, seemingly anxious to change the subject. "Why are you here?"

"I am an exobiologist."

"A what?"

"My life's work is the study of alien life forms. I was presented with an opportunity to visit a planet I had never been to before. I took it."

"You mean you could have told us right off the bat why some of you were getting sick and how to cure you?" demanded Thaddeus.

"Probably."

"Then why the hell didn't you?"

"Most of them, like the Missing Link, would be better off dead," said Albert.

"Yeah?" said Thaddeus. "Well, I just hope you're as unhappy as he is."

"Why?"

"I don't like you very much," said Thaddeus. "I don't like your looks, and I don't like the way you speak, and I don't like your attitude."

"Have you considered how your attitude might appear to one of us?" asked Albert.

Thaddeus glared at him for a long moment. "We're getting off the subject," he said at last. "Will you speak to him?"

"I will not."

"And you?" he said, looking at Mr. Ahasuerus.

"I will try," replied the blue man. "He is my responsibility."

"Good," said Thaddeus, rising to his feet. "Hey, Alvin."

The big guy hurried over.

"Alvin, keep a close eye on Dapper Dan for the couple of days. If you have to tie him down to keep from trying to off himself, do it. And have Queenie tell Gloria to go to town tomorrow for more sodium pills."

Alvin nodded, and Thaddeus walked over to the Missing Link. He didn't say a word, just stood and looked at him. Dapper Dan was asleep now, breathing deeply and regularly, but his face was troubled, as if he were having a bad dream. Thaddeus reached out a hand as if he was going to give the Missing Link a reassuring pat on the shoulder; when his hand got halfway to its mark he suddenly drew back.

"Come on, Tojo!" he snapped. "There's no sense hanging around here. Everything's back to normal."

I followed him to the trailer. Neither of us was sleepy, so he opened a pair of beers and handed one to me. Jupiter Monk entered as we were drinking them in silence.

"Hope you don't mind the intrusion," he said, rubbing his hands and blowing on them, "but old Alvin woke the whole place up a few minutes ago looking for mustard, of all things, and since I saw your light on I thought—"

"Stop jabbering and grab yourself a beer," said Thaddeus.

"I thought you'd never ask," grinned Monk, walking to the refrigerator. "Ah, I see you've switched from bottles to cans."

"It's what they had," replied Thaddeus with a shrug.

Monk popped open a can and joined us in the living room.

"Man, it's a bitch of a night, isn't it?" he said. "Reminds me of the Klondike, except up there we didn't have anything to worry about except polar bears and wolves and maybe an occasional moose."

"So what's down here?" I asked.

"Cops. Marks. Rubes. Thaddeus. For safety, I'll take the Klondike every time."

"What's that supposed to mean?" said Thaddeus irritably.

"Well, you got to admit you ain't always as easy to get along with as a polar bear," laughed Monk.

"If you've come here to dump on me you can go right back where you came from," said Thaddeus. "I've had enough people telling me what they think of me for one night."

"As a matter of fact, I came over because I finally came up with our last name."

"What are you talking about?"

"The Three-Breasted Woman," said Monk. "We never could decide on a name for her."

"And now you've got one?"

"Yep."

"Just how many hours did you spend thinking about it?" said Thaddeus sarcastically.

"Came to me in a flash," said Monk.

"So what is it?"

"I figure each of those breasts is a D-cup," said Monk, a pleasant smile crossing his face as he pictured them in his mind's eye, "and she's got three of them, so how about 3-D?"

"It's awful!" snorted Thaddeus. "It sounds like a movie gimmick."

"You got anything better?"

He didn't, and no one came up with anything better, so she became 3-D, and the whole troupe finally had carny names.

We had a few more beers, and then Monk looked at his watch and discovered that it was almost five-thirty. "I'd better go," he said, draining the can he was holding in his hand. "If I hurry, my head'll hit the pillow before my alarm clock goes off." He glanced out the window. "Shit! It's snowing again. What the hell did you leave California for, Thaddeus? You must have been crazy."

Thaddeus merely shrugged.

"Where were you—north or south?"

"South," said Thaddeus. "A suburb of L.A."

"Anaheim?"

"Santa Cruz."

"Too bad it wasn't Anaheim," said Monk. "They've got the Angels and Disneyland and all kinds of good things."

"We were just a few miles away," said Thaddeus.

Monk put his coat on and buttoned it up. "We ain't either of us too smart. I could be hunting apes in Africa, and you could be watching a batch of 2-Ds shaking on a California beach." He opened the door. "See you tomorrow."

"Close that damned thing!" shouted Thaddeus. "It's freezing!"

Monk laughed and slammed the door behind him as he went out into the snow.

Thaddeus opened another beer and offered one to me.

"No, thanks," I said.

"Have one," he said, pushing it into my hand. "I don't like to drink alone."

"Thaddeus," I said slowly, "where did you grow up?"

"What difference does it make?"

"None. But I know where Santa Cruz is: it's a suburb of San Francisco."

"Big deal."

"But I thought you said—"

"How the hell do I know where Santa Cruz is?" he snapped. "I heard it mentioned in a movie."

"You didn't grow up there?"

"I've never been to California in my life," he said bitterly.

We sat, silent and motionless, for perhaps ten minutes while the wind whipped against the windows and the snow kept accumulating.

"I was born in Trenton, New Jersey," he said at last. "My mother was the cheapest whore in town. Even the black guys wouldn't touch her. She got nothing but freaks and winos."

"And your father?" I asked gently.

"There isn't a hat big enough to pull his name out of," said Thaddeus, his voice low and toneless. "I grew up in a one-room flat, watching my mother fuck two hundred, three hundred men a week and shoot every cent she made into her goddamned arm. The state kept taking me away and putting me in foster homes, and I kept coming back. Until I was twelve."

"What happened then?"

"Some junkie bashed her head in. I found her after he had gone."

"Then what did you do?"

"A little of everything." He looked out the window. "Mostly I starved and I froze. California girls—hah! I've never been halfway to the Mississippi."

"Then why say you did?" I asked. "No one in a carny cares where you came from."

"I care," he said so softly I could hardly hear him. "I spent my whole fucking life fighting and clawing for every penny so that I'd never wind up back in that goddamned room in Trenton."

"But why California?"

"Because it's clean," he said. "I like to tell myself that one time in my life I was someplace that was clean." He turned to me suddenly. "If it's dirty, I don't want to hear about it."

"It's clean, Thaddeus," I lied.

He finished his beer. "If you ever tell anyone what I just said, I'm gonna rip that goddamned hump off your back and shove it down your throat," he said. "You got that straight, you fucking dwarf?"

"I won't tell anyone, Thaddeus," I said.

"You'd better not," he muttered, and lay down on the couch. He was asleep in less than a minute, and as I looked at him, curled up in the same position as Dapper Dan and with the same unhappy expression on his face, I was struck by how little difference there was between the two of them.

I noticed that it was cold inside the trailer, so I covered him with a blanket, as I had done so many times in the past, and went off to my own bed. As I lay down and prepared to go to sleep, I found myself wondering what Dapper Dan's mother had done for a living, or if he had thought of this world as his California.

 

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