V.C. Andrews* Books

Flowers in the Attic
Petals on the Wind
If There Be Thorns
My Sweet Audrina
Seeds of Yesterday
Heaven
DarkAngel
Garden of Shadows '
Fallen Hearts
Gates of Paradise
^^0 u'ChFBamS
Dawn -,::- : . ,
Secrets of the Morning
Twilight's Child
Midnight Whispers
Darkest Hour'
Ruby
Pearl in the Mist
AU That Glitters
Hidden Jewel
Tarnished Gold
Melody
Heart Song
Unfinished Symphony
Music in the Night
Butterfly
Crystal


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for Mary,
For toon
In the late evening when the shadows were long, I sat
quiet and unmoving near one of Paul's marble statues. I
heard the statues whispering to me of the past I could
never forget; hinting slyly of the future I was trying to
ignore. Flickering ghostly in tine pate light of the rising
moon were the wul-o'-the-wisp regrets that told me
daily I could and should have done differently. But I
am what I have always been, a person ruled by
instincts. It seems I can never change.
I found a strand of silver in my hair today, reminding
me that soon I might be a grandmother, and I
shuddered. What kind of grandmother would I make?
What kind of mother was I? In the sweetness of twilight
I waited for Chris to come and join me and tell me with
toe true blue of his eyes that I'm not fading; I'm not just
a paper flower but one that's real.
He put Iris arm about my shoulder and I rested my
head where it seemed to fit best, both of us knowing
our story is almost over and Bait and Jory will give to
both of us, either the best or the worst of what is yet to
be.,, ' '• / . - .- ; •• ', . 1,' ? .
It fe their story now, Jory's and Bart's, and they will
tell it as they knew it.
Jory

Whenever Dad didn't drive me home from school, a
yellow school bus would let me off at an isolated spot
where I would recover my bike from the nearest ravine,
hsddea there each morning before I stepped onto the
bus. I . . '' I "'i^
To reach my home I had to travel a winding narrow
road without any houses until I came to the huge
deserted mansion that invariably drew my eyes, making
me wonder who had lived there; why had they deserted
it? When I saw that house I automatically slowed,
knowing soon I'd be home.
An acre from that house was our home, sitting
isolated and lonely on a road that had more twists and
turns than a puzzle maze that leads the mouse to the
cheese. We lived in Fairfax, Maria County, about
twenty nriles north of San Francisco. There was a
redwood forest on the other side of the mountains, and
the ocean too. Ours was a cold place, sometimes
dreary. The fog would roll in in yeat billowing waves
and often shrouded the landscape an day, turning
everything cold and eerie. The fog was spooky, but it
was also romantic and mysterious.
As much as I loved my home, I had vague, disturbing
memories of a southern garden full of giant magnolia
trees dripping with Spanish moss. I remembered a tall
man with dark hair turning gray; a man who called me
his son. I didn't remember his face nearly as well as 1:
remembered the nice warm and safe feeling he gave.
me. I guess one of the saddest things about growing
bigger, and older, was that no one was large enough, or,
strong enough, to pick you Up and hold you close and
makeyou feel that safe again.
Chriswas my mother's thud husband. My own father-
died before I was Jbom; his name was Julian Marquet,
and everyone in the ballet world knew about him.
Hardly anyone outside of Clainnont, South Carolina,
knew about Dr. Paul Scott Sheffield, who had been my
mother's second husband. In that same southern state,
in the town of Greenglenna, lived my paternal grandmother,
MadaiBne Marisna. ;' ' She
was the one who wrote me a letter each week,
arid once a summer we visited her. & seemed she
wanted almost as much as I did, for me to become the
most famous dancer the world had ever known. Aaftt,
thus I Would prove to her, and to everyone, that my
father had not lived and died in vain.
By no means was my grandmother an ordinary little
old lady going on seventy-four. Once she'd been very
famous, and not for one second did She let anyone
forget this. K was a rate I was sever to call her
Grandmother when others could overhear andpossibly
guess her age. She'd whispered to me once that it would
be all right if I called lass Mother, but that didn'tseem
right when I already had a mother whom I loved very
much. So I called her Madame Marisha, or Madame
M-.^asf-as everyone efee^dtd:-:'"^'-.,"1'.;-:-:" /--"" ^ '
Our yemly visit to South Carolina was long anticipated
during the winters, and quickly forgotten once we
were back and safely snuggiedin our little vaHey wher&
oui1 long ^edwoocMiOBse* nestled. "Safe iff^e^vaBey
whete ffiie wiad .doesa't blow," TOy teother saM oftea,
Too often, really--as if the ^srind 1>te»wiag ^greatly
disteeisseiA-laM?,.1'-.""^ s^.: .aw xt-s...*-. ^.A'i^,.a';st^w1-^,,
^ . 1. ' "» '
hurting him just by dancing in the attic. How odd. I
didn't understand what went on between them. I was
fourteen, Bart was nine, and we were both a long, long
way from being adults. The love taey had for each other
seemedtome very differentfoomthe love I saw
between the parents of the few friends I had. Their love
Seemed more intense, more tumultuous, more passion
ate. Whenever they thought no one was watching they
. locked eyes, and they had to reach out and touch
wheae%er;they passed one another, r
': Now that I was an adolescent, I was beginning to
take more notice of what went on between the most
meaningful models I had. I wondered often about the
different facets my parents had. One for the:publicto
view, another for Bart aad-me, and the third, most
fervent side» which they, showed only to jeaeh other.
(How could they know their two sons were not always
discreet enough to turn away and leave like they
should?)
s Maybe that was the way all adults were, especially
parents. •• '. ^ :•;• • : .. • 1' ^ • ^i.- •'' .•!•'i.
Dad kept staring as Mom whirled in fast pirouettes
that fanned her long blonde hair out in a half circle.
Her leotards were white, her pwntes whitetoo, and I
was enthralled as she danced, wielding that dustmop
tike a sword to stab at old furniture that Bart and I had
outgrown. Scattered oa the floor and shelves were
briten toys,^kiddy-ears and scooters, dishes she or
Emma had broken that she meant to glue back together
one day. With each swipe of her dustmopshe brought
zillions of golden dustmotes into play. Frenzied and
crazy they^ struggled -to settte^down before she attacked
again and once more drove them into flight. &
'•Bepartt" sne^ried, a^squeen to her slaves. "Oo
and stay away! Tornient'BWao morer'—and round and
round she Spun, so fast I had to turn to follow her with
n»y eyes or end i.g> dizay^j^st^ from watching. She
whipped tor head, her leg, doing fouettes with more
expertise than I'd sees on stage. Wild and possessed
she spun faster! faster! keeping time to the music, using
the mop as part of her action, making housework so
dramatic I wanted to kick off my shoes and jump in and
join her and be the partner my real father had; once
been. But I could only stand in the dim purplish
shadows and watch something I sensed I shouldn't be
watching.-. '.!-- --" :. ' ' ;1'.'1 1-.'. ..; ^> : "
My dad swallowed over the lump which most have
risen hi his throat. Mom looked so beautiful, so young
and soft. She was thirty-seven,so old in years but so
young in appearance, and so easily she could be
wounded by an unkind word. Just as easily as any
sixteen-year-old dancer in her classes.
"Cathyr' cried Dad, jerking the needle from the
record so the music screeched to a halt. "STOP! What
are youdomg?"
She heard and fluttered her sum pale arms in mode
fright, flittering toward him, using the tiny, even steps
called bowrCes. For a second or so only, before she was
again spinning in a series oi pirouettes around him,
encircling him--and swiping at him with her dusttnop!
"STOP m" he yelled, seizing hold of her mop and
hurling it away. He grabbed her waist, pinioning her
arms to her sides as a deep blush rose to stain her
cheeks. He released his hold enough to allow her arms
to nutter like broken bird wings so her hands could
cover her throat. Above those crossed pale hands her
blue eyes grew larger and very dark. Her full lips began
to quiver, and slowly, slowly, with awful reluctance she
was forced to look where Dads finger pointed.
I looked too and was surprised to see two twin beds
seti^;tetneportioiy<rftlwirttictf^wa»^^l^^
under construction. Dad had promised her we'd have a
recreation room up here. But twin beds in all this junk?
; MoBt^ofcetfteo, her voice hi»ly and scared.
"Chris?? ¥o»t're hbnie?,^fou don't usuaify come home
tlus.eariy.. A ^ . .. -:,: ----. ' -.-..;---. > -:. ^,
He'd caught her and I was reneved*?Now he could
straighten her out, tell her not to dance up here again in
the dry, dusty aar that -could malGe lier faiat. Even I
could see she was having trouble coming up with some
' eiBcuse.f,^..-.^ '.":; ^"'- ': :'.-.„ ,. ; .....', . ^ .: ;
"Cathy, I know I bro»%St ptose bedstead& up, but
hew did you manage to put them together?" Dad shot
<»ut. "Ifow 4Nyon iBanage tb&matwesses?'"lten he
jolted for a second time, spying the picnic hamper
between the bedS-"Cathy!" he soared, glaring at her.
"E>oes history have to repeat itsetf? Can't we learn and
benefit from the mistakes of others? Do we have to doit
'ilB, over figaSM?" .--:',;"1.1 .' .--- :.-/;' ' .-y.-' '
.Again? What was hfrtelking about?
"Catherine," Dad went on in the same coy, hard
¥oice» "don't stand there find try to took innocent,like
some wicked child caught stealing. Why are those beds
here, all made up with clean sheets and new blankets?
Why the pwac hamper? Haven't we sees enoujgh of
that type of basket to last us our whole lives through?"
And here I was thinking she'd put the beds together
so she and I could have a place to fall down and rest
after we danced, as we had, a few times. And a picnic
hamper waSy after; alltjust^aother basket. ; '
I drifted closer, then hid behind astrutthatrose to
the rafters. Something sadaad painful was between
them; something youog, fissh, Kke a raw wound fixat
iefci^u»heal,<li^aa^ ashamed and
suddenfy awkward. INi^SPaiW^ I called Gad r^tood
bewildered; I could tell he wanted to take her in his
arnas and forgive her.'^CSBl^felE^By." he pleaded with
aagBisb, "doot be ^te ,^<|r||n^^
Mom jerked her head hijSh^ threw back her shoulders,
and, with arrogant pride, glared him down. She
1^ ' - ' 1..-:®.1''.' ' '
flipped her long hair back from her face and smiled to
charm him. Was she doing all of that just ft) make him
stop asking questionsshedidntwant to answer?7
If^MrangetycbMint^mmtygiooni of the attic. A
chilling shiver raced down my spine, making me want
to run and hide. Making me ashamed, too, for spying--
that was Bart's way, not nrine.1 ;
How could I escape without attracting their attention?
I Aarf to stay in my hidden place.
"Look at lioe, Gathy. Vo/^w riot ^hir sweet young
ingenue anymore, and this is not agame. There is no
reason for those beds to be there. And the picnic basket
only compounds my fears. What the hett 'we you
planning?" '''" 1'1:-' ':1. :'1-' ' ''': '1'''"/' ":}::[:',
Her arms spreadwide as if to hug him, but he pushed
her away and spoke again: ^'Doo't try to appeal to me
when I feel sick to my stomach. I ask myself each day
how I can come home and not be tired of you, and still
feel as I do after somany years, smS afteraBthat has
happened. 'Yet I go on year after year loving you,
needing and trusting you. Don't take my love and make
it into something ttgfy!"
Bewilderment clouded her expression. I'm sure it
clouded Bane too; I>idn't he truly love her'? Was that
what he meant? Mom was staring at the beds again, as
if surprised to see them there. ;/::1"'' I '1-^""'1':':'; ^ '.
"Oms, helpmeS" she cholced, stepping closer and
opening her arms again. He put her off, shaking his
head. She implored, "Please don't shake your head and
act like you don't understand. I don't remember buying
the baatet, i^aByldon'ttlhadadreamiiteW^
about coming up here and putting the beds together,
but when I came up today and saw them, I thought you
must have put titem-there.". ^: '?'F'^i:^ "".p'--^1^ 'T
"cathytiM> not-pw 'mevEsssfHEsaey^
''MOWBoutoftne shadows. I cafifsee yeawfleiB^you
are." She lifted her smaH pate naads, seeming to wipe
' , ' ' 1 itt
away invisible cobwebs. Then she was staring at her
hands as if they'd betrayed her--or was she really
seeing spiderwebs tying her fingers together?
Just as my dad did, I looked around again. Never had
the attic been so clean before. The floor had been
scrubbed; cartons of old junk werestadced neatly. She
had tiled to make the attic look homey by hanging
pretty pictures of flowers on the walls. >; :.,, ,^
Dad was eyeing Mom as if she wre crazy. I
Wondered what he was thinking, and why he couldn't
tell what bothered her when he was the best doctor
ever. Was he trying to decide if she was only pretending
to forget? Did that dazed, troubled look in her terrified
eyes tell him differently? Must have, for he said softly,
loudly, "Cathy, you don'thave to look scared. You're
not swimming in a seaof deceit anymore, or helplessly
caught in an undertow. You are no( drowning. M?f going under. Not having a nightmare. You don't have
to clutch at straws when you have me." Then he da?ew
her into his arms as she feu toward him, grasping as if to
keep from drowning. "You're all right, darling," he
whispered, stroking her back, touching her cheeks,
drying the tears that began to flow. Tenderly he tilted
her chin up before his lips slowly lowered to hers. The
kiss lasted and lasted, making me hold my breath.
"The grandmother is dead. Foxworth Hall has been
twaed^-totiie.^cound,":'.^ ^ „-;;. ;-.:^,,... ;' .^:':;.,
.:.,/tocW(^'^a^,^^ A<':,.-,;;..--1 .
"No, it hasn't, Chris. I heard her climbing the stairs a
short while ago, and you know she's afraid of small,
confinedplaces--how could she climb thestairs?"
^Wawye»^epi^<jii|hetty»J|e^hei^ ; <
I shivered. What the devil were they talking about?
^ Which graBdmothe^^.^^ ,, -, ^ :^.:^',Y.,:'
Ye?," ^«gu|naaUw^||BE^^
^1 guess I did drift Htto mgh^ares after I finished my
bath and lay .oat Ofji^^|tl^i||l|i9^l^¥»iQ. I doat eireo

? '" " ' ';';^^..^%' 1 ,

remember climbing the stairs up here. I don't know
why I come, or Why I dance, unless 1amlosing my
mind. I feel I aatt her sometimes, and then I hate
mysetfl" ; 1--- .- --} -/'., - --- ,:.-1 : '
"No, you're not her, and Momma is miles and miles
away where she can never hurt us again. Virginia is
three thousand miles from here, and yesterday has
come and gone. Ask yourself one question whenever
you are in dwbt-'-tf we could survive the worst,
doesn't it stand to reason we should be able to bear the
best?",.'; - .:. --,;^ -. ^/. ,„ U {^ /-^...;1 ,--1-, 1:":^
I wanted to,xw,. wanted^lo ittay. I fell I,.teo» was
drowning m their sea of deceit 'even when I didn't
understand what they were talking about. I saw two
peopt&» nay parents, -a^ ./-stEan®|as,v ;i,?.didai't; iebow---
younger, less strong, less dependable. ' ,: "
"Kissme,," Monii murnlUEe^,"%SaIce iiEpe up; and
chase away tire ghosts. Say you ;h^e^-and«|waysi^'
no matter what I do." ':^..-:^i^'^: -'-^.:;-i:' ,..^:^'
,Ea8^.enpug|^helcM.-a^l.of-tlfa^t. Wh^^ha^lBe^
convinced, she wante4 him to dance^ s^ S^;,^&^
replaced the needle on the record and again the music
soared,:. ;1..,'1 , ,.,^', , .;:;',.,;, '-'-, ,;/;'1-' '^.[.['ii.'^,::, '
Shriveletl up tight and susaSt, I watched h«n try to dp
the difficult ballet steps that would have been so easy
forn»e^^fe^aln'thave enoug^ skp or @i^
someone as skilled as my mom. It was embarrassing to
even'see''hm;rtry. 'Soori'enQi^l'^.put^Qn'.lattt^^
reCotawhere^feTOt^,^':;;^^^^ .''f'1:^:'^:';"'

Dancing in the -aarfc^''"' ::" ^ ^^T;;"1'"'' ~^"'^'^
''1ral.tBfr'ttB»e"eads,;; ^Wf'^s^^^^^sSk ^ .^'

NxwI^^wasCTtnSden^
preMed''tQ» Qe^s^as;;riiey:^went-gM|^"a^bt^^ :11
"I miss the paper fiowers that used to nutter in our
wate," she said softly. ^ /'':y'
1/1 1-1- , , I . '' ' I I ', ' W
"And down thestairs the twmweire quietly watching
the small black-and-white TV set in the corner." His'
eyes were closed, his voicesoft and dreamy. "You were;
only fourteen, and I loved you even then, much to my;
shame." ' :
Shame? Why? i
He hadn't even known her when she was fourteen, t^
frowned, trying to think back to when and where they'd
first met. Mom and her younger sister, Carrie, had run
away from home soon after Mom's parents were killed.
in an auto accident. They'd gone south on a bus and a
kind black woman named Henny had taken them to her|
employer Dr. Paul Sheffield, Who had generously taken
them in and given them a good home. 'My mom had
started ballet classes again and there she had met Julian
Marquet--the man who was say father. I was bonl'|
shortly after he was killed. Then Mom married Daddy
Paul. And Daddy Paul was Bart's father. It had been a
long, long time before she met Chris, who was Daddy
Paul's younger brother. So how could he have loved
her when she was fourteen'! Had they told us lies? Oh
gosh, oh gosh . ..
But now that the dance was over, the argument
began again: "Okay, you're feeling better, ycairsetf
again," Dad said. "I want you to solemnly promise that
if anything ever happens to me, be it tMnorrow, or
years fironinow, you swear that you wiu never, so he^
you God, hide Bart and Jory in the attic so you can go
unencumbered into another marriage!"
Stunned, I watched my mom jerk her head upward
before she gasped: "j|? ;<hat,-what you think of me?
Damn you for thinking I am so much like her! Maybe I
did put the beds together. Maybe I did bring the basket
up here. .But never -oTO^|E||i.ia'oss.my mmd to ^. .to
^..,ChrB,,you-know.i,^^^'do.:that!'' .::--;
Do whatf whaff^ ^^al^.y;--:-: ..,. .;;.He made her swear. Really forced her to speak the
words while her blueeyes glared hot and angry at him
all the while. ' ,:1.- --^ ^.-''1 -1-'1'1
Sweating now, hurting too, I felt angry and terribly
disillusioned in my dad, who should know better. Mom
wouldn't do that. She couldn't! She loved me. She
loved Bait too. Evenifshe did look at him sometimes
with shadows in her eyes, still she would never, never
hide us away in this attic.
My dad left her standing in the middleof the attic as
be strode forward to seize the picnic hamper. Next he
unlatched, then pushed open tbescreen and huried the
basket out the open window. He watched it fall to the
ground before once more turning to confront my mom
angrily:
"Perhaps we are compounding the sins of our parents
by living together as we are. Perhaps w die end both
Jory and Bart will be hurt--so don't whisper to me
tonight when we're in bed about adopting another
child. We cannot afford to involve another child in the
mess we've made! Don't you realize, Cathy, that when
you put those beds up here you were unconsciously
planning what to do in case our secret is exposed?"
"No," she objected, spreading her hands helplessly.
"I wouldn't: 1 couldn't dothat.^ .'B
"Yott have towsaa thati" he snapped. ^f9w matter
what happens, we will not, or you will not, put your
children in this attic to save yourself, or me."
' I 'Thate.yott'fw^hinkin^I^woulldt^1-1 -^ -;' ^p^G,
"I am trying to be patient. I am trying to believe in
you. I know you »till have nightmares. I tosaw yaw ate
still tormented by all that happened when we were
young and innocent. But you have to grow up enough
to look at yourself honestly. Haven't you teamed yet
that the subconscious oftea leads the^^N leaSty?^
He strode back to cuddle her close, to soothe an.
' ' . I ,. - '' . ^!. ",'! , ' ^
;ldss jbeE» , to soften ^m voice 'w^she dung to him
desperately. (Whydid.she^have to fed so desperate?^
"Cathy, my heart, put away those fears instilled :by
the cruel grandmother. She wanted us to believe in hell
and its everlasting torments of revenge. There is-no hell
but that which we make for outsehfes. There is no
heaven but that which we build between us. Don't chip
;away at my belief, niyfove.withAyow'uHconscious'
deeds. I have no life without you."
:,.„' '-"Then, don't go to see your mother this summer."
He raised his head and stored over hers, pain in us,
elsels* I sltd silently on the floor to sit and stare at them.
ISKhatwas'g&ingpn? WhywasIsBctdenlysoa&aid?

Bort

"AathMi the sevefith day <3od rested," read Jbry as I
finished patting the earth nice and firm over the pansy
seeds that were meant to honor my aunt Carrie's and
uncle Cory's birthday on May fifth. Little aunt and
uncle I'd never seen. Both been dead a kreg, long time.
Dead before 1 was born. People died easy in our family.
i^ondiear awhy they BNd paosies so much? Silly little
nothing flowers with pttdding faces.) Wish Momma
dido't think honoring 4eadpeople's birthdays was so
'j(iaro-ro^ffi^(^'^;^NAw :.i:.i."- :, .'---:^
iR{'11^;'Kww-.whatel^^^^^ nine/.was4f
doTOl^.a^/aftifelir^^ 'beglaning,^'
iiKbeft^!6^-BSr'iss^^ m^be ^
Garden of Eden without wearing any clothes at
Then one day an evil talking snake told them it was
sinful to walk around naked, so Adam put en a fig
leaf.**- ---- ^-;,----- 1.,'.;..^,^.:./1.;
Gosh ... naked people who didn't know naked was
wicked. "What did Eve put on?" I asked as I looked
around, hoping tosee a fig leaf. He went on reading in
a singson^way that took me to olden times when God
was looking out for everyone--oven naked people who
could talk to snakes. Jory said be could put Biblical
stories into "mind" music, and that made me mad and
scared--him dancing to "mind" music / couldn't hear!
Made w feel stupid, invisible, dumber than crazy.
"Jory, where ^ya find fig leaves'?"
"Wny?" . '"- ^'"J"'' „:.'':;/:"„.
"If I had one, rd take off all my clothes and wear it"
Jory laughed. "Good goily, J&Brt^ ttire^^^q^
way far a boy to wear a, fig ]|etf--<^^ yony^ liie
embarrassed.",,'' ,. .: ''.'.'-. ',^',1;:'';'. "'.,'...1
"IwbuldiiKH:'"',:1'41'' 1'1;1 '..' ,";''',^,/...''11",,;/:-1.'
"Yro^wouldtoo!"; ';'',,, :;^;,{ , 1,,.;^.;?'.;^ .
"r® obw embarrassed!"
"Them how Aiyou knowwhatJD^ like? Besides, have
youevetiseenDad.wearafigl^^ ;
"no ., ." But I figured since r'dnewr seen a fig leaf,
how could I know whether or not I had? I said th» to
toy. "Boy, you'd knowl" he answered, with another
laugh to mock me. ,-^; ,^/:.1 .i,,,1:;.::':-;'-^,''.^^^'^ '
Then he was grinning, jumping up to leap up aB the
marble steps in one long bound that I couldn't help but
admire. Me, I had to trail along behind. Wish I was
graceful like him. Wish I could dance and charm
everybody into Hkin me. Jory was bigger, older,
smarter--but wait a minute. Maybe I could make
myself smarter if not bigger. My bead was big. Had to
have a big brain inside. I'd grow taiter by and by, catch
1 ' ' ,' ,, - 1 .: :' .' Vt
.up with Jory, bypass him. Why, I'd gww taller than;
Paddy; taHer than the giantin "feek and the Bean-
stalk"---w»d that giant was taller than anybody S
Nine years old . . . wish I was fourteen.
Therewas Jory sitting on the topiitep, waitin for me
to catch up. Insultin. Hateful. God sure hadn't been,!
kind to me when he passed out coordination. Remem1
beied five years ago;when I was fr»ur and Emma gave |
each of us a baby chick, all soft yellow fuzz, making |
chirps and cheeps. Never felt nothin so good before id
my whole livelong life. There I was lovin it, holdin it,
sniffin its baby smell befpje I put it kindly on the- ground--and darn if that chick didn't fall over dead,
"You squeezed," said Daddy, who knew about,stuff;
like that. "I warned you not to hold it too tight. Baby '
chicks are fragile and you have to handle them with'
care. Their hearts are very near the surface--so next
time, gentle hands, okay?"
Thought God might strike nte dead then and there,
even though most of it was His fault anyway. Wasn't my
fault he didn^ make my nerve endings go all the way to
the surface of my skin. Wasn't my fault I couldn't feel
pain like everybody else--was His?Then I'd shivered,
fearful He might do somethin. But when He was
forgivin I went an hour later to the little pen where
J&ry's live chick had been walkin around lonesome. I,
picked him up and told him he had a friend. Boy, we
had a good time with me chasin him and him chasin me,
when all of a sudden, after only two hours of havin
fan--that chick keeled over.idead too!
Hated stiff cold things. Why'd it give up so easily?
"WKafs the matter vMt yew?"^1 shouted. "I didn't
squeeze.' My hands didn't hold you! I was carefut^-so
stop playin dead and get up or my daddy will think I
kilted you on purpose!" Once I'd seen my daddy haul a.
man out of the water and save his life by pumpin out
the water and^k»w»^iMir,so I <»d die same things to
the chick, ft stayed dead. Next I massaged its heart,
then I prayed, and still it stayed dead.
I was no good. No good for nothin. Couldn't stay
clean. Emma said clean clothes on me were a waste of
her good riffle. Couldn't boldonto a4ish when I dried
it. New toys fell apart soon after they came my way.
New shoes looked old in ten minutes after knowin my
feet. Weren't my fault if they scuffed up easily. People
just didn't know how to make good, unscuffable shoes.
Never saw a day when my knees weren't scabby or
covered with bandaids. When I played ball I tripped
and felt between bases. My hands didn't' know how tQr
catch right, so my fingers bent backwards and twice I'd
had fingers broken. Three times I'd fallen fromtrees,
Once I broke my right arm, once ffliyteft arm. Third
time I only got bruises. Jory never broke anything;
Was no wonder my mom kept tellin me and him not
to go next door to that big ote house wittt So many
staircases, 'cause sooner or later she knew I'd fall down
steps and break all my bones!
"What a pity you don't have much coordination,"
mumbled Jory. Then he stood up and yelled, "Bart,
stop running like a g?rlt Lean foirwaro, use your legs
like pumps. Put your heart in it and let go! R»get about'
falling. You won't if you don't expect't&.Andifyou
catch me ru give you my supesrspeed ball?"
Boy, wasn't nothin I wanted in this whole wide world
more than I wanted that ball otais. Jfory could (nrow If
with a curve. When he pitched at tin canssetting on the
wall, he'd hit "sssb one after another. I 'liever mt
anything I aimed for—but I did hit a lot I didn't eves
see, like windows and people; ;
"Don't want yerole speedbaH?" I gasped, though 1
did want it. It was a better 1>aBthan mine; they were
always givin him better tnan me. '
He looked at me with sympathy, making me want to
cry. Hated pity! "You can have it even if you don't win
the race, and you can give roe yours. I'm not trying to
hurt your feelings. I just want you to stop being afraid ^
of doing everything wrong, and then maybe you
won't--sometimes getting mad enough helps you win."
He smiled, and I guess if my momma had been around
she would have thought his flash of white teeth was
charmin. My face was born for acowon. "Don't want'
yer ote baU," I repeated, refusKagto be wen over toj
someone handsome, graceful and fourteenth ina long
Bne of Russian baUetdancerewho'd married ballerinas,
What was so great about dancers? Nothin', notfun'f
God had smiled on Jory's legs and made them pretty,
while mine looked like knobby sticks that wanted to
Need. ..:.',:- :..^-^- -,,.',- :..-.? : .. ,'.;
"You hate me, don't you? You want me to die, don't
yw'!" . ,'.1-;-^. -, 1-1-'-,...,.,-- /,, -.':.:. .:;":",r
, H&gave^ae a ftinny, long look. "Naw» I don't hate
you and I don't want you to die. I kinda like yon for my
brother even if you are clumsy and a squealer."
Thanks heaps." ;
"Y^eab... thank nothing of it. Let's go took at the
.DOBS®.'*,,,,,, ..,.,,.,',,-,-,,1 ,:.. ,,,~- .^...^:.:i,-^
Every day after school we went to the high white wall
and sat up tfiere, aodsome days we wentsta»de,iate
house. Soon sehool would be owes ait&rwe'^n»R»
nothin to do au day but play. It was nice to know the
house was there, waitin for us. ^ooky ote house with
lots of rooms, jagged haUs, trunks full of hidden
treasures, high ceilings, odd-shaped rooms with small
rooms yrinin, sometimes a row of little rooms hidin one
.beha^i^otber,.'.: .,;;,, :>,;.,' ,.'.} :.... ,^:1,,,..--11Spiders
lived there and spun webs on the fancy
chandeliers. Mice ran everywhere, havin hundreds of
babies to put droppins aH over. Garden insects moved
inside and climbed the walls and crept on the wood
floors. Birdscame down the chimneys and nuttered j
about madly as they tried to and a way out. Sometimes^
they banged against walls, windows, andwe?dcome in
and find 'em dead and pitiful. Sometimes Jory and I
would arrive in the nick of time and throw open
windows and doors so they could escape. ^
Jory figured someone must have abandoned the ole
house quickly. Half the furniture was there, settin dusty
and moldin, givih off smellyodors that made Jeiry
wrinkle his nose. I sniffed it and tried to know what it
was sayin. I couldstand real still and almost hear the
ghosts talkin, and if we sat stui on a-dusty ole'velvet
couch anddidtft talk, up from thecellar'wouy c<»ne
faint rustlins like the ^t6sts wanted to waisper secrets
in oar ears. -'.-'- ^' : -;^: - .^''; ' ,^'./" -.,
"Don't you ever teB anybody ghosts talk to you, or
they'll think you're crazy," 3oiy fcaa warnea. We
already had one crazy person in our famuy-*-ocr
daddy's mother, wh<y was in a nuthouse 'way back in
Virginia. Once a summer we went East ib visit Her and
ole graves. Momma wouldn't go- m the lo»g^ tstidk
building where people in pretty^ clothes strolled wer
green lawns, and nobody would have guessed they were
crazy if attendaate m white^bbs hadn't been theiFeW.
Eyeiry summer MommawottM ask, WheB Baady
came bafek from seem his 'mother', ^^WeB, h iSae
better?" And Daddy would look sad before he'd-say,
"No, not really much progress^. . bat Qtere would be
if youWoukMbrgiveher^ 1 ':r'r '::-1 ^" 'w['^ i:'^
That always shook^Morama ^; She achsti We sftte
wanted tnar grandmother to St^ lectio ^ifa^wer.
"You listen to me, Christopher DblP' 'tty ^reoiimna
had snapped, "its a»e oti^T Way aiFOuaSff? i^Mefflfcer!
She's tt»iBnftwh6 should g^4dw6 en heSr ^Bees and
plead--she should aiskfitfie&rfergpyettess'*'
Last summer we hadn't getMl East to visit anybody, r
hated ole graves, ole^ Madame KiferishsFwIth^ her^laek
rusty clothes, herbigbunofWhite^ andblack hair---arid
I didn^careWeiiMKw iKwo oteM^btt^lBast^evCT
had a visit from us again. And as for them down
those graves--^let 'em stay there without floweis! 1
many dead people in ow lives, messm it up.
t|||| "CmoB, Bart!" called Jbry. He had already seal
|: the tree on our side of the waB, and he was sittin
|| I, ^ there waitin for me. I managed the climb, then setti
dowa.ne^ttOJory, who insisted I sit against the ti trunk--just, in case- "You fcno'w what?" said Jc
wistfully. "Someday I'm gonna buy Mom a house ji
as big. Every once in a whale i overhear her and D
;;?. ; talking about big houses, so I guess she wants o
|| larger than the one we'vealready got."
(|* "Yeah, they sure do talk a tot about big houses."
ll^ "I like oar house better," said Jory, white I set abc
| ; drummin my heels against the wall, which had brie
i under the crumblin white stucco. Momma had me
tioned once she thought the bricks sbowin throu
added "iirterestitig texture contrast." I did what I eov
to make the wall more interestin,
But it was sure true that in a big house like that o
over there you could get lost in the dark and rambte i
and on for days on end. None of the bathrool
worked. No water. Crazy sinks with no water ai
stupid frutt cellar with do fruit, and wine cellar with?
' 'wine..,....., ,1.-,, .^ "I ;,„;, , . -...1:^ .... ' ,::
"Gee, wouldn't it be nice if a big family mowd
over tfrere?" Jory said, wishlnUte me WOMdd ha
lotsandlotsof nearby friends to play with. We <tidi
have anybody but each other once we came home frc
j:,; - scteaol..1- :„":.,," ,,,,.<. ^.^' . :-, ,-- '
1:? "ANtftbeyhadt^
just perfect" went<mio»y<tFeamifaF."^'ewod^l
Beat to have<^gtris.Kv»Bgn^d^ i
Neat, sure. I'll bet he was wishin Melodic Ricten
would move in over there. Then he could see herwg
jl|]| day and hug and kiss her like I'd seen himdoiff
times, gss^ Mad^jipe ffll^«<<itategjris^^
boys!" I ^couched. fcry laughed, saying I was only nine
and soon enough I'd like girls more than. boys.
"What makes Metodie's arms rich?"
"Do you reaSxze how dumb that makes yousound?
That's b^1"last nalne and doesn't mean anything."
Just when I wanted to say he was the dumb one
because sSi names had to mean somethin, or else why
have them?---two trucks pulled up ia the longarteeway
of the mansion. Wowl Nobody ever went over there but
us. ^ - - ' - ": ^ ' " /-1'- ; ""/'i, - 1 '- ."''' . '
We saton an<^ watched the workmen runnin around,
doin thi» and that. Some went up on the orange roof
Momma said was called "paBtile^aod began to check it
over. Otbe*5 went inside the house with ladders and,
cans tha< l00^6^ like they held paint. Some had huge
rolls of ;ffrallpaperunder their arms. Others pounds iecfce<|t
over the? windows, and some looked at the shrubs and,
trees. ' '-! ;' '" :;'- ' :'"11''1 " "'^1''"-1-1 '".;"
"Heyf" saad Joty, very upset lookin. "Soffiebody
must ha^c bought that place. I'll bet they'll move in
after it's; fi»edap." " .
Didn^t want no neighbors who would disturb
Mommat soud Daddy's privacy. All the time they were
talkin aSfsy0^ ^alaw Iuce lt was not to have close neighbors
to "distt»rf> tileir privacy."
We sft on until it grew dark, then went into our
hovsg gj^il ididn't say a word to our parents--for when
you sairf scumethin out loud, that meant it was realty
true. 'nrfweNs didn't count.
Next t^ay it was Sunday and we went oa a picnic at StinsonJ^c31"11-1^0 came Monday afternoon andfery
and I wve*^ back up on the wall,starin over at all that
activity. ^Was foggy and cold, but we weSd aee^ust wefl;
enough *» ^e bothered. Wecouldn't go over there and
have a ^jii'»rr of ow own anymore, Where weald wi
playnW^ ^: ; 1'- -//- .:.-:--^; 1:"'";. ;.11^:.:^ .'1:,
"Hey yon kids!" called a burly man on another day
»
whett we were only watchin*"Whadayadoin' up
there?" , . :., --;.--;',;11' . " ..„
"Nothing!" yelled Jcwy. (I never talked to strangers.
Joxywas always teasih me for not tafkin to anybody
much bat myself.) ? ' '
^ "Don't you kids tell me you're not doin'nothin'
When I see you wet here! This house is private
propeity-KSQ stay off these grounds or you'll hear from
md"---- ,-,.. ^. ^..v.,..^--:.1.'^,1,,',
HewasrealBiean,aHdfierce lookin; hisworkclothes
were ©Hd and'dw^. W»ea he taaae closer I saw the
biggest feet in my life,and the dirtiest boots. I was glad
the ^tt was^teajfeet h^ 'and wfe had <he advantage
gw»'Aam.^i- ...1^..^1-1-1: -':..' ^-^- -...-i1^ .'.^. 1:..;
; "SiffiB^we'ptey over there a little," said Sosy, who
»a^'t wared ®f anybody, "but-we don't hurt anything;
.leiifel.teave.'it.lifcrwe-fiBuad^R:.". y-:- '.. .. - :'.<;, ^
"Welt, from now on stay off altogetberi" he snapped,
glarin first at fory, tbeo at me. "Some rich dame has
bought this place and she won't want kids hangin
around. And. don't you think you can get by with
anything because she's an old lady iivin alone; She's
briagjut servants with her." - : I
:. .SerwBte^.WBW!':-,;-: ^^ .>:^-..-.,^-;- ---..:. -.^:^'?;.1:1 -"I
"Rich people can have everything their own-way,"
muttered the giant on the ground as he moved off. "Do
tihaft, d® that, and have it done yesterday. Money--
Ood^wbat I wouldn't do to have inyAaas." a;
^ fladoalyEnima^ so we werea't really raA. fcry'
said Emma was like a maiden aunt, not really a relative
or A servMtt. 'R» 4w;SBewas,^Bstson(^K?dy^l'd known
att my ffe, somebody rwho ld(dB"( lifce me nearly as j
much as she liked tory. lidNnt Ble^Jher etthet, so B
^«Wt:€ase.- ^ ^ i ^-:, :1, ^ft. ."-?.: - .<11''''; "e-1.1, ;,.,' ^1
Weeks passed. SehCT^ efitlMl; Still those workmen
were over thCTe. By this time Momma and Daddy had
noticed, and they weren't too happy about neighbors
they didn'tintend to visit and make welcome. Both me
and Jory wondered why they didn't want friends comin
toourhouse. '^- •'•-- ' '•, • -. —•.'-: .•:.- ,'/i.-1..'-"1' ' ,
"It's love," whispered Jory. "They're stiBloceAoaey*
moaners. Remember, Chris is our mom's third-hus
band, and the bloom hasn't worn off."
What bloom? Didn't see any flowers.
Jory had passed on to the junior year of high school
with flyin colors. I sneaked into the fifth grade by the
skin of my teeth. Hated school. Hated that ole mansion
that looked like new now. Gone were all the spooky,
eerie tunes when we'd had tote of hub owrAens.--
"We'u just bide our time until we can sneak over
there and see-that old lady," Jory said, whispering so all
those gardeners trimmin the shrubs and snippin at the
trees .wouldn't'hear,'/.,.„,. ,,^,,. 1 ;,:.,., ,,,..^ /,..-,„.. ^s,
She owned acres of land., twenty or more. That made
for lots of cleanup jobs, since ihewMiQnc^on^he'rQC^
were lettui everythin fan. Her yaN was B^tei^l^w|ii
papers, spuls of nails, bits of lumber leffover (roiBB
repair jobs, plus trash that blew through the iron fence
in front of the driveway that was near what Jory called
"lovei?s"feutte.*''" 1 ' ' '''f^;'',^.' "i''':^11''.',,. ..^"':'
That hateful construction boss was pickin up beer
cans as he headed our way, scowlin just to see us when
we wereEhdoiBathttg^^
have to tell you boys?" he belfawed. "Now don^ iforae
metosayitagain!"Heputhishugefistsonhishipsand
glared up at us. 'TvewuMed^btt before to stay off that
wa^—now::•^a/"; ^ 'y::- ";^1 '.-1^:<' ••'-::'-,;"'1 >/1:^"•:•;^•^.
Jory was imwiUin to move from the waH when it
wasn't any harm to justsit and look. " - ' ^
"Are tBetwdi^yo»deafr'lteyc»ed^a^
In a flash Jory's face turned from handsome to mean.
"No, we are wtf deaf! We live here. This wall is on the
Property fine, and just as much our? as it is a«t. Our
riad says so. So we walsit up here aatt watch just as
... •! ?
;is we like. Anddon'tyou dare yell and tell us to
f again!" ; : - ' : . '-..-- ^ - - . :
"Sissy Idd, aren't yah?" and off he wandered
"ovitliBBt wen looldn at me, vrtio was yast as' sassy--

JRBSide. -; ^ ^' " - . ' -: " "I"' ' '" ''

ixitiiodactfOaas

Xt was brealcEart time. Mom was telling Dad about qri(
cyfliertiaBetinatS. Bart sat across the table from me
poking at his cold Cereal and scowling. He didn't like to
eat muc6of anything but snack foods, which Dad sak
were bad for him.'
, "Chns, I don't think Nicole is going to pull out pi
this," Mom was saying with a worried frown. "It's
awful that cai's hurt so many people, and she's got i
,Bttle^rlonly two years old. I saw hier a few weeks ago
Honestly, she reminded me so much of Carrie when sh<
was;twq.". -/-- ':i,',;'..,',-,,,;1 -,/1 ,,-.. ^1/. ...„
Dad nodded absently, his gaze still fixed on th<
morning newspaper. The scene between them in th<
attic still haunted me, especially at night when :
couldn't steep. Sometimes I'd just sit alone in my roon
and try and remember what was hidden way back in th<
<felt recesses of say mind. Something important I was
'sure,byet ^-GouJidii^'^El^Mber. what it was.
Even as I sat and listened to them talkabout Nicot<
; of that attic scene
just who' was tiM
grandmother theywere afraid of. And h^w could they
have known each other when Mom was only fourteen?
"Chris," imptoredMom, her torieirymgto forcehun
to put down the sports page. "You don'tlisten when I
talk. Nicote has no JEamily at all--did you hear taat?
Not even an unde or an aunt to care for Qndy if she
dies. And you know she has never been married to that
boy she loved." ;. . "J..-.' : 1:' ' . " ; '^
"Hnunni," he answered before biting into his toast.
"Dontforget to water our garden today." ;
She frowned, really annoyed. He wasn't listeairig as I
was. "I think it was a huge mistake to sell Paul's home
and move here. His statues just don't look" right in this
kind ofsetting." - - - ^ :"-^ .:!.:-1 -"' :'
That got his attention.
"Cathy, we have vowd never to'have iBe^ets aboot
anything. And there are more important things in life
than having a tropical garden where everything grows
rampant.";,- , ^'. '^'-;. ".^^^ . .:", ,/-^". - -^^
"Ra»pa»t? Psad bad the most iEgaaicured garden I've
ever seen!" ^ :.,;1-^1 l--^i':. 1;!.^' -.-.''
"'¥bn''kBow^:mean;"f. i.^'^1^^'-; ^^./- ,/'
Silent for a second, she spoke again about Nicole and
the two-year-old girl who would go into an orphanage if
her mother died. Dad said someone was sure to adopt
her quickly if she did., He stood up to pull on his sports
jacket. "Stop looking on the darkest side. Niccrfe^may
recover. She's young, strong, basically healthy. But if
you'reSo worried, I'H stop by and have a talk with her
doctors."-1 :;;11:.'^' ,^1.-^^, .:'-.,^ ..^-;; ^--"^^
"Daddy," piped up Bart, who'd scowted daiFkly all
morning. "Nobody here can make me go East <his
summert 1'woat gb and can't nobody inake me'"
"True," said Dad, chucking Bart under the chin and
playfully rumpling his already unruly dark hair. ^'Nobody
can make you go--Fin just hoping you'd rather go
. I .' '' .. ' ^- ar
than stay tome alone." He leaned to kiss Moffl|
goodbye.? 11— ^ . •• •:•—. -•'•-:•-•• ••• -—,:.^ . ^l
"Rriv® tgurpNty." Mom had to say this every day^
just as he was leaving. He smiled and said he would,
and their eyes met and said things I understood, in a
way;. .. -.'• •. - , .:?' . • . -1'; ;: " • ••;j
'There was an ole lady who Bved in a shoe," chanted
Bart. "She had so many children she didn't know what
to.do.",^,:' ^ : • ,- . .. '^,. .1_ .. -:' , - •; ..'•• • ;
"Bart, do you have to sit there and majke a mess? If
you aren't going to finish your meal, excuse yourself
and leaver table." ,
l "?e^, Peter, PurngKan Eater, had a wife and
couldn't keep her; put her in a pumpkin shell, and there
he kept her very well." He grinned at her, got up and
left the table—-that was his way of excusing himself.
Great goQy, afanost ten and he was still chanting
nursery rhymes. He picked up his favorite oldsweater,
tossed it over his shoulder, and, in so doing, he
knocked over a carton of milk. The (nilk puddled to the
floor, where Clover was soon lapping it up like a cat.
Mom was so enthralled with a snapshot of Nicole's little
girl that she didn't notice the milk. , ,
It was Emma who wiped up the milk and glared at
Bart, whostuck out his tongue and sauntered away.
"Excuse ine. Mom," I said, jumping up to foBow Bart
outside,-,:, ,,;,^ •.• •„ ,, ,... ', „ •,-'.;.•., . •• • . ... :
Againon the top of the wall,we sat and stared over,
both of us wishing the lady would hurry and move in.
Who knows, maybe she'd laye grandchildren.
., "Missin that ote house already," complained Bart.
"Hate people who move in our place."
We both addled away the day, plantiogaaoEe seeds,
pulling up more weeds, and soon I was wondering how
we were going to pass a whole summer without going
next door. even-once. • -, ."-;••;,•-;,•••,.,:;y'.,;r•.;.•is t,,r
At dinner Bart was grouchy because he too missed
the house. He glared down at his full plate. "Eat
heartily, Bart," said Dad, "or else you may not have
enough strength to enjoy yourselfin "Disneyland."
Barl's mouth fell open. "Disneyland?"Ws dark eyes
widened in delight. "We're goin there really? Not goin
East to visit ole graves7*'
"Disneyland is part of your birthday gift" explained
Dad: "You'll have your party there, and then we'll fly
to South Carolina, Now don't complain. Other people's
needs have to be considered as WeB as yours. Jfofy's
grandmother likes to see him at least On&e a year, and
since we skipped last summer, she's doubly anticipating
our visit. Then there's my mother, who needs afamily
'tod." ?''.,,'1' "}',X" ''^l ......'."^yx "":^ '."
I found myself staring at moiq- Sheseemed to be
smoldering^Every year she was like this when the time
came to visit "his" mother. I thought it a pity she didn't
understand why mothers were so very important. She's
been an orphan so long maybe she'd forgotten--or
maybe she wasjealous.
"Boy, I'd rather have Disneyland than heaven1" say
Bart. "Can never, never get enough of Disneyland."
"I know," said Dad in a dry way. .; 1 > ;
But no sooner did it sink in that Bart was getting his
"heart's delight" than he was complaining again about
not wanting to go East., "Momma, Daddy,I am not
goin! Two weeks is too long for visitin ole graves and
ole grandmothers!" ,/ ;-',;,;;1.^;?:;1?- ^--;^ .:';:'''-'
"Bart," said Mom sharply, *'ytin»«Bow such disrespect
for the dead. Your own father is one of those dead
people whose grave you don't want to visit. Ycwr aunt
Carrie is there too. And you are going; to visit their
graves, imd MadameMarisha too, whether yba want to
or not. Aad if you open your meuthagaiB,there willbe
no trip to DisBeylandf' ?w
' ' - I , 1S»
"Momma," bow a subdued Bart wanted to inakeiq
"Why d(d your daddy who's dead in Gladstoon
Pa " . . .
*««;.- .. ^-. . . -- .. ;, .. . . .. .. . "
"Say Pennsylvania, not Pa." ;
, "How come the picture of him looks so much Like ti
daddy we have now?"
Pain flashed in her eyes. I spoke up, hating the was
Bart had of grilling everyone. "Gee, Doflanganger
suresome whopper of a name. Bet you were glad to g<
ridpfit." . . ,. ,. : ... 11 ^ '...;. -.,.. ,
She turned tostare at a large photograph of Dr. P»
Shenield, then quietly said, "Yes, ijt was a wonderf
day when I became Mrs. Sheffield."
Then Da^l was looking upset. I sank deeper into t^
cut-velvet plush of a dining chair. AH about me in ti
air, creeping on the floor, hiding in the shadows, wei
pieces of the past that they remembered and I didn'
Fourteen years old, and stilt I didn't know what life w;
aH about. Or what my parents were about either.,

Finally the day came when the mansion was cob
pleted. TTteneame the cleaning ladtes to work on tl
windows and scrub toe floors. Yard men came to rak
mow, trim again, and we were there all the tim
peeking into windows, then running swiftly back'to tl
wall and skimming up a tree, hoping not to get caugt
On the top of tins wall we quietly sat as if we'd new
disobey any rate made by our parents. "She
a^comin!" whispered Bart, very exdted. ^Any m
meat, (bat ole tadyy she's a'ooBHnf
The house was fixed up so grand we expected to see
faaey' movfe actres&» a; presidents wife, someboi
important. One day.wheiB Dad was at work afld Mo
was shopping, and Emma was still in the kitchen lil
always, we saw a huge long black limousine turn slow
into the long drive next door. AAoMec[<arfeltawe
but still, itwas a snazzy-lookingcm.Two weeks ago
that driveway had been cracked and buckled concrete,
and now it was smooth black asphalt. I nudged Bait to
calm his excitement. All about us the leaves made a fine
concealing canopy, and stfH we could see everything.
Slowly,-slowly, the chauffeur; pcdted the long» luxurious
car to a istop; then he got out and circted the car to
let out the passengers. We watched breathlessly. Soon
we'd see her---<hatneh, rich woman who could afford
anything! '.: v
The chauffeur was young and had aJaunty air. Even
from a distance we could tell he was handsome, but the
old man who stepped from the limo wasn't handsome at
all. He took me by surprise.Hadn'tthatworkman told
us a lady and servants? "Look," I whispered to. Bart,
"that must be the butler I;never knew butlers rode in
the same car as their employer."
"Hate people who move in our house!" grumbled
Bart. , . . ,. ._ ^ . }'} / / '
The feeble old butlerstretched out his hand fo help
an old woman out of the back seat. She ignored him
and took the arm of the" chauffeur instead. Oh, gosh!
She wore all black, from head to toe covered over like
an Arab woman. A black veil was over her head and
face. Was she a widow? A Moslem? She looked so
mysterious.
"Hate black dresses that drag on the ground. Hate
ole ladies who want black veils over their heads. Hate
'spooks."'""'^'" '"'- --'1'"1"' ""^y:^^ ;,^'K3M
All I couW do was watch, fasdaa(ect» thinking that
the woman moved fatner gracefully beneath the black
robe. Even irbm our hidden place, I could left she felt
nothing but scorn for the feebte old butler; Gee--- 'intrigue. '":1''1 '-;- ''.., '--:/ ^-".(.-.^ - i/' -'; '
She looked EtfottBd at everything, ibf the longest
time she stared our way, at the'white wall, attheroofof
our house, i^ka^wsn^eeuldii'tseievery nrocb. Manya

/ 11 ' "I ' 1 - 9t
tim& I'd stood where she was, looking homeward, an
I'd sew only the peak of our roofand the chimney
Onlywhenshe was inside on hersecond floor couldsli
seeattosomeofour rooms. I'd better tell Mom to plai
soineiHore big trees near the white wan.
It occurred to me then why twoworkmen might have
(topped down a number of her large eucalyptus tree
Maybe she wanted to look over at bur house and b
nosy. But it was more likely she didn't want those tret
growing so near her house.
Now the second car drew up behind the first. Out <
this one stepped a maid in a-black uniform with a fane
white apron and cap. PoHowing her came two servani
dressed in gray uniforms. ft was the servants wh
rushed about, carrying in many suitcases, hatboxes,
plants and such, all while the lady in black stbb
stock-still and looked at our chimney. I wonder whs
she was seeing'?
A huge yellow moving van drew up and began t
unload elegant furniture, and still that lady staye
outside and let the maids decide where to put eac
piece. Finally, when one of the, maids kept running t
her and asking questions, she turned away and disaf
peared into the mansion. All the servants vanished wit
her. ,. ' ' ' , '' . ., , , , , / ^,
"Bart, would you look at that sofia those men ar
carrying in? Have you ever seen such a fancy sofa?"
Long ago he'd lost interest in the movers. He; wa
now staring intently at the yellow and black caterpilla
undulating along a thin branch not far below his. dirt
snealBeis. Pretty Nrds were singing all around. Th
deep blue sky was fi»B <af fluffy white clouds. The air fe!
fresh, .cool, fragrant with pine and eucalyptus--an
fiartwasstarfegattheone ugly tNnginview.Abtesse
Aorny caterpillar! ;
"Hate ugfy thHigs that cree^i witte hbrns'^MK thei
heads," he mumbled to himself. I knew he always had a
desire to know what was inside. "Becha got icky-sticky
green goo under all that pretty-colored fuzz. You mean
little dragon on the branch, stop comin my way. Get
too close and yerdead."
"Quit that silly talk. Look at that table those men are
taking in now. Boy, I'll bet that chair came from a
castle in Europe."
"Jus* one more inch and somethin ugly is gonna get
it!" " - , . , ,;----- : ' , - . "You
know what? I'll bet that lady who's moving in is
kinda nice. Anybody who has such good taste in
furniture must be real quaHty,"
"One more inch . . .and yer dead!" Bart told the
caterpillar. , J '
As the sun set, the sky turned rosy, and wide streaks
of violet came to make the eariy evening even more
beautiful.. ? ,
"Bart, look at the sunset. Have you ever seen more
glorious colors? Colors are like music to me. I can hear
them singing. I'll bet if God struck me deaf and blind
this very moment I'd go right on hearing the music of
colors, and seeing them behind my eyes. And in
darkness I'd dance and never know it wasn't light." r;
"Crazy talk," mumbled 'my brother;~hjs eyes still on
the fuzzy worm conungcloser and closer to that deadly
sneaker held above him. "Blind means black as pitch.
No colors. No music. No nothin. Dead is silence."
"Deaf.. . d-e-a-f-'-not dead." : /
Just then Bart smashed down his sneaker on the
caterpillar. -Thenhe jumped from the ttee to the
ground, and there he wiped the sticky green goo on the
lady's new lawn> ; ;
"That was a mean thing youdid, Bart Winstow'
Caterpillars go through a stage called metamorphosis.
The kind you just killed makes the most beautiful
butterfly of all. So you didn't kill a dragon
jEing or queen-'-the sweetest lover of roses
"Stupid ballet talk," was his opinion, th<
manage to look slightly scared. "I can make
he said uneasily, looking around nervously.
trap, catch a caterpillar alive. Keep it for
wait until it turns intcTa fairy king. and
go."
"Hey, I was just joking, but from now
any insect that isn't on the roses."
"If I find some on the roses can I kill 'ems
Puzzling the way Bart needed to kill all i
I'd caught him pulling off a spider's legs
before lie squashed it between his thumb
ger. Then the black blood held his interest.
fc&tpainf"
"Yeah," I said, "but don't let h worry yon.
later you'U feel pain too. So don't cry. It \softline fuzzy worm,not a fairy king or queen; Let's
now."i was feeling sorry for himrbecause 1
was sensitive about not^being able to feel pi
did, though gosh knows he should be glad.
"NO! Don't wanna go home! Want to see il
house next idoor."
Just then Emma came out to ring her dina^
making us scamper home quickly., " s
'•• •- ~ : . '. .; " - 1,;-1 ^ 1'' ; •- ; ,/- ^
I' of action earlier, we slipped Over the wall and down to
I the other side by climbing down a sapling tree. It was
ground We'd been forbidden to step oh, but rightly of
' wrongly it was ground we considered ours, for it had
: belonged to us first. Like two shadows freed, we
slithered along. Bart looked at the shrubs that had been
I trimmed into shapes of animals! How weird. A strutting
rooster beside a fat hen on a nest, Neat, realty
neat. Who would have guessed that oEd Mexican man.
was so clever with those snippers?
"Don't like Shrubs that look Like animals," complained
Bart. "Dent like green eyes. Green eyes are;
mean eyes. lory---they're watchin us1"
"Sssh, don't whisper. Watch Where you put your
feet. Step only where I step." I glanced over my
1 shoulder tO see that the sky had changed to a dark plurt
? color streaked with crimson that looked like freshly
'spilled blood. Soon night would descend, antf the moon
; wasn't always a friendly face.:
:. "Jory," came Bart's whisper as he tugged on my
I shirttail, "didn't Momma tell us to .be home by dark?"
"It's not dark yet." But almost. The creamy white of
:the mansion in daylight was bluish white in the dusk
r and scary looking. '
; , "Don't like bony-Ipokin ole house made to look like
"new."- , , .„ I. - , . , , . ..- ..:.,..,
Bart and his ideas.
: "Sure must be time to be gettin home now."
;' --I resisted his tugs. Sincewe'd come this faia^we might
as well go all the way. I put my fingerto my lips, , whispered "Stay where you are," and by inysejf stole to
| Ae only window that was bright in a huge house of.
, a»any windows.
| Instead of staying where I'd told him to, Bart
^followed at my heels. Again I cautioned Bun» then t
If^obed a small oak tree just strong enough to bear my
K: /' 88
weight. I climbed high enough to peek into the houa
At first I couldn't see anything but a huge dim roci
cluttered with cartons as yet unpacked. A tall and fi
lamp blocked my view, and I had to lean away from tt
tree to see around it. Fuzzily I could make out
black-robed figure seated in a hard wooden rocker thi
looked very uncomfortable, after the soft, luxuriol
conches and chairs I'd seen carried inside, Was that
woman under the black veil?--the same one I'd see
outside;?
Arab men wore dresses, so that could be the feeb
butler, but then I saw a pate, stim hand with mai
sparkling rings and I knew it was the mistress of th
manor. Shifting my weight, I sought a better yiewii
position, and, as I did, the branch supporting n
weight cracked. The woman inside lifted her head ar
stared my way.
Her eyes were wide and frightened looking. I to
myself that people in a bright room couldn't look oh
into darkness and see. My heart throbbed in triple tin
as 1 held my breath. Little winged night insects buzz<
around my head and began to nibble on my skin.
Below me Bart was growing impatient. He shook n
frail tree. I tried to hang on and at the same time sign
to Bart to stop. Fortunately, at that moment a ma
opened the door and came in with a large silver it;
laden with many covered dishes. .
"Hurry upl" grouched scaredy-cat. *'I want to j
home!"
What was he afraid of? / was the one about to fi
from the tree. The clatter of the dishes and silverwa
being taken from the tray and placed on a small tab
covered the noise Bart was making. No sooner was th
maid out of the room than the veiled woman lifted h
hands to take off the veil. i
Shebegan to eat. All alone, she picked at her foci
Just when I felt sure she hadn't heard any noise towa
her someone was spying--"the weak branch of my tree'
made a spatting sound.
She turned her head. Now was my chance to see her
without the black veil. I saw her. Really saw her! But I
didn't really see. her nose, her lips, her eyes? I saw only
the jagged rows of scars on each side of her face. Had a
cat scratched her and made those scars? I felt suddenly
sorry for an old woman who had to sit atone at a table
without enough appetite to enjoy anything. It didn't
seem fair to live such a lonely, unloved life. Not fair
either for fate to show me how age could steal the
beauty of someone who might have been just as lovely
as my mother--once.
"Jory . . . ?"
"Sssh..."
She kept on staring, then quickly lowered the veil;
over her face. "Who's out there?" she called. "Go
away, whoever you are! If you don't, 1*11 call the
police!" ^ ,
That did it. I jumped to the ground, seized Bart by
his hand and took off. He stumbed and fell, holding me
back as usual. I jerked him upright and ran on, forcing'
him to run faster than he could have without my help.
He gasped, "Jory! Not so fast! What did you see?
Quick, tell me--was it a ghost?"
Worse than that.Td seen how my mother might look
thirty years from now, if she lived long enough to be
ravaged by time.

"Where've you two been?" Mom blocked our way as
we tried toslip into the bathroom to wash up before s&e
had a chance to notice our disheveled clothes,,
"We came from the garden in back," I answered,
feeling guilty; Immediately shesaw my guilt and grew
^uspicious. "Where were you really?"
"Just out back . .."' '-^' .^'..^ .'. ; Ty^.i-.
87
"fory, are you going to grow evasive Uke Bart?"
I threw my arms about her and pressed my is
against the softness of her breast* I was too old to <
this, but I had the sudden need to feel safe ai
comforted. .
"Jory darling, what's wrong?"
Nothing was wrong. I didn't know what bother*
me, not really. I'd seen old age before, my ov
grandmother Marisha, but she'd always been old.
That night Momma came in my dreams and was
tovely angel who put an enchanted spell over all tl
World to stop people from growing older. I sa
two-hundred-year-old ladies as young and pretty
when they'd been twenty--all but one old woman
black, all alone, rocking in her chair.
Toward morning Bart slipped into my bed ai
cuddled up behind my back, watching with me the gr.
fog that obliterated the trees, erased the golden gras
smothered all signs of life and made the world out the
seem'dead.''11-' ""'' ' '"I, . ' '' ' '
Bart rattled on to himself, "^arth is full of des
people. Dead animals arid plants too. Makes all th
stuff Daddy calls mulch."
Death. My half-brother Bart was obsessed by deal
and I pitied him. I felt him cuddle closer as we go
Stared out at the fog that was so much a part of 01
lives. "''' I "'" ' " , ' " ; " ^ ^ ^
"Jory. nobody ever likes me," he complained.
"Yes, they do."
"No, they don't. They like you^better."
"That's because you don't Uke them and it shows,
"Why ati you like everybody?" ;
"I don'tt But I cari pin en a smile and pretend ev<
when I don't. Perhaps you'd better team to put on
false face sometimes."
"Why? It's not Hattoween."
He troubled me* Lilee thosebeds in the attic troubled
me. Lifce tnaf strange thing tetween flay parents that
rose up every so Often, reminding me that they knew
something that I didn't.
I closed my eyes and .decided everything always
worked out for the best.

Gone Hunting

.They looked at me, but they didn't see me. They didn't
know who I was. To them I was just a thing to sit at
their table and try to swaltow the stuff they put on my
plate. My thoughts were all around, but (hey didn't
read my mind, couldn't figure me out at all. I was goin
next door_to the mansion to where I'd been invited.
And when I went I'd remember to pronounce my
"ings"--always they were tellin me to say the G's. I'd
do it right, everything, for the old lady next door;
Gonna go alone and not tell Jory. Jory didn't need
new friends anyway. He had hisole ballet classes, with
pretty girls all around and that was enough.. With
Melodie, more than enough. Me--I didn't have nobody
but parents who didn't understand. Soon as I ~was
excused from breakfast Pd make it iqukdrfy to lour
garden while Jory was still inside eatin his stack of
Pancakes with melted maple sugar poured allover- Pig»
ftat's what he was ... adarn hogi
Day was hot. Sun was too bright. Shadows long <m
^te ground. White waB rose up 'so dratted mgh*-had
Ijjjj thatwaliknown in advance! was comia.and rd b*
j|!; | ; clumsy, and "they" wanted to make it difficult? Tree
'||j|i^ cUmbed wasn't so bad. , ,-- ; ,- .:
ill j I; ; Yard was so big it tired my short tegs. Wish I ha<
Ijjsi; long pretty legs like Jory. Always fallin, always hurtii
| ||j|S myself, but never felt no pain. Paddy had been amaza
| j|| when he first found that out. "Bart, because your nerv
|j| I endings don't reach your skin, you will have to b
J?| doubly careful of infections. You could seriously hur
|lJ|||i; yourself and not even know it. So always wash all you
jj;jK cuts and scratches with soap and water, then tell you
|j|||; mother and me so we can put on disinfectant."
j jl; Washin with soap kept away, germs. Wonder wher
jl J i' they went^--up toheawn, down to hell? Wonder wba
a germ looked like? Monsters, Jory had said, ugl
itty-bitty monsters. A billion of them could sit on th
|| pointofapmWishIhadeyesUlre^microsc^
rgaye her yard another long-long Ibo^, then jumpfic
closed my ey6s so I eouldn'f see the ground smack m<
Landed square in a clump of her rose bushes. More cul
and scratches to add to my collection. More germs toe
Didn't care. Crouched down low, squinted my eye
against ttre sun, and tried to spot aU the dangerous wil
animalsthat lurked in dark, mysterious places--4uE
this."''''1""1 :'^'-11'1^ ' ^.^"".-^-^^ .^
Look over there. Behind that big ^usb--a tiger!
J| raised my rifle and took eareful aim. Tt swished its Ton
| (all and sparked its yellow eyes, tbea licked its chopi1
t| i tNiikin soon it would hav|e me for lunch.IsqueeM
|i; bard on the trigger. BANG! BANG! BANO! Got yal
!j|j:|^ : Dead^-a'doomati!'1.1 -^"^il" ^^--'^^- ^
IIJI;^;5.1 ,,' ' :-SlMgiaffly'r^:^ver-flay^hoaaer, I^wended a careri
I||jiJ|!;| ;, ^ waylate»g^lthe;^dteIlgettW^angle'path^
11| | S |;;:'1' , cwange^and- white^fcN»1 .ifttaf'.mewed' ^'piatetively;
111 ill':"' . (naintivetywasoBfraElafrttew words lhad fo ase^Oa
Bew'wmt each dayS^ aad Baddy gaye a Kst of^Seve
»®rds toboth^Jory aild aae, msiNn we usetoday'swoi
at least five times in ourconversation. Didn't need a
bigger vocabulary. Knew how to talk good enough
already;) -
A tune popped into my head. Came from a movie I
saw last night on TV about West Point. That song was
right:

There was spinethio about asokner .. .,
that is fine, fine, fine^..

Marctrin to the tune in my head, I carried my rifle
smartly on my shoulder, my chest out, my chin in.
Straight up to her front door I marched. Then I banged
hard, usin the brass knocker that was a lion's head with
a loose jaw^;. '' .., ' '/-, i:i^i^. ^:' " i/'>i!/-'
My perfect military bearin was so admirable I just
knew that ole lady would be inipressed. Doctors
weren't so special. Dancers either. But a five-star
general--that was impressive! Nobody had a name
longer than mine: General Bartholomew Scott Wins- low Sheffield. Even Jory Janus Marquet Sheffield was
not so long, not so good soundin. Just wait until the
enemy knew who was in charge of the war. ' A
Should have been that creepy ote butler who opened
the door, but it was die ole lady herself. I'd seen her a
few times in her yard. She held the door open a Slot and
stingily allowed a long wedge of sunlight to shine on her
floor. "Bart*. . ?Md»wh»^^^,te^vo^sl^prteed
and happy. Wasshe really so glad to see me? Oee, and
she didn't ev®»kntWB»yet. ; ^ r;
"Bart, how wonderful! I was hoping you'd coaae."
"Step aside, Madame!" I commanded. "My men got
S^u sunounded." Made my voice deep and g^rtB to
^we the living lights oat of her. **Nb we feastio.
Setter to give up and raise yer white flag. The odds are
^ against yoB."^^'"'"--,^-^';-^?1';--'?^- ^^P)'xb^ri^o'!.t''(:
||:5-
|j '^fi^/'shfe^iid'H^siltys^^es-"11'^80^"
of you to accept my invitation. Sit down and talk to as
TeH me about yourself, your life. Tell »e ff you'
happysif y°WNother k happy, if you lite where yi
live. and tove your parents. I want to know evei
thingr
Forcefully I kietee^ thedoor to behind ®e, as attgo.
generals did. BANG! Tosee her blue eyes smilin wh
her lips were covered T>y that dratted blacfc veil w
very weird. My tough military composiurevanishe
Why'd she have to wear that scary veil? "Lady," I sa
weakly. fe^Bag young and tunid again, "you did e
over (he waB yestetday. You said you wanted me
w>®e over when I was lonely. I sneaked wst.:.."
"Sneaked?»sbe asfeedmattodd voice. "Da you ha
to slip away from your parents? Do they punish yt
often?"---;:-,,-^ '-1 - .. -,., 1 ^y :.::1..:.-^ ^
"Naw," i sNd. "Wotddnt do fbeni wk goo
Couldn't hurt aae^ Nto iSpaHilians^coulda'tstwve nifef
1 idon^t lite fooduanyway." I; hung tty head ai
wUspeced,"MoiMaa and Daddy tote we not to pest
rich <@te todies who live in big spooky housesne
.door.":1-1---„-„; ^ '',,:.-:,.- 1-,.;';''., -;. -li .--1- r--
"Oht" slwsaidwitha^t."DoylOUBav<? ^S^
many bigspooky houses next door with ricn old laidii
toadie?"1'-;'..-:..;:.i:e.'- :;i.-^1,-.^ ^.^/',;'^..',^
"Heeknoyina'ain,'*! drawled, then saunteredow
to^ttiWaBin ajM^tty parterwaere IcoultHool60^^
see who was comin, who was goin. I slouched'again
the waB and took the makms for a good spaotse fioai n
pocket and rolled my ownw she sat dowc "i a locker 1
watch. She kept watchin »» Mowssaoke,rings in h<
cuu-, famtty snulia as they^wreathed around ^ nea
Stupid veil puffed to and out as she breatBed, Wonder
$ioe> Slept with iteat iSsia^ over her head and face.
jji "8art» often thea^yoa and your brother talking^
the watt--I hope you6fsa't vaSsd." Wouldn't answer.
Blew smoke nags right in her face. "Please talk,
Bart ... sit downand relax, feel comfortable, feel at
home. I want my house to feel like your home, open to
you and Jbry. My own life is so lonely, all I have is
myself and John Amos, my butler. To have a real family
living next door is so conifortiag. You can sayanything
you want to me, anything atall."
Wasn't nothin to say--but faere was an adult who
wanted to listen. Whatco«ud we talk about? "Beopte
shouldn't spy on me^ind my brother."
"I wasn't spying," she said in a hurry, "just taking
care of my roses that climb the wall and need pruning--
and I can't help if I overhear, can IT" '
Spy. That's what she was. ©round outthe butt Of my
cigarette with my dusty boot heel. Sun was gettin in my
eyes again, makin me tilt the brim of my hat. Ole Devil
sun was makin me thirsty. "Ma'am, ya'll done asked
me over and hereah is .. . so gett' the point,"
"Bart, ifyoo takea chair, wellhavfeTefiseshmeats
soon. See that beB-puB? fiSywaul will briag in'iee
' cream and cake. It is a long time until lunch, so your
appetite shouldn't be spoaed." *
"MightasweBs^al^toai^B^iatoasoftcB^
| and fixed my eyes on her feet, which could barely be
seen. Was she wearing hyh heeb?'"-faacy sandals?--
i printed toeaaite? i'Bie'ft tffi the door came a^ pretty
I Nexican maid with a tray tull of goodies. Wow-wow!
The maid sffliled at me,nodded to the lady, then
I <tfsappeared. I politely accepted what'sfae gave meh'aot
I «K)ugh of anytfisag-^aBd set to. Didn't alee food diat
E ^as good for me; it tasted so bad; I stood up to goas
|aoonasIpoBSh»doffmy»ipeat8,
| "Thank you, ma'am, for taida Idttd^ to an ote
| cowpoke who just ain't used to yer kind of hospitality.
|^i"»egot tobeaniblfe-oflfliow.,..*' ^>'^?.';^.11.- ' ^
"ASi right, Syoalasiie^ogs," s&e said «ad^F,aadJ
;1 , . ' / ' 1 ' / . is
felt sorry for her livm with servants only, no kids 1
me. "CoBie bask tomorrow if you want, and bring Ji
withyou. I'H have whatever you want.. ."
"Don't want to bring .lory!"
"Way not?"
; "^bu're my secret! He gets to do. everything. I ne
get to donothin! Nobody ever likes roe,"
"I ate you."
, Gee,she made the feel good. I peekad at teria
but couldn'tsee aaytikoa but herblue eyes.. "'Way
you Bice me?" I asked with so much wonder--nob<
.etee;dfaW. ^.,,...,:- '/ .... ' ^ ^ , . . ."I
dos'tJtvst VSse, you, Bart Wndow," «he s
queerfy, "Iloveyou-"
"Why?" I didn't believe her. Ladies feBat first a:
few Jory, neverftwme. ' ^
"Once I had two sow, now I don't," she said w
her eyes cast down and her voice sad and tight. "uk
wanted to have another son by niysecond husband, i
I couldn't." She looked up and met my eyes. "So I w
you to take the place of the third son I couldn't ha
I'® very rich;; .Bart. loan gwe you anything you waa
"My heart's desire--my teal heaart'&^erite?"
; "Yes, anything that can be bought with^ money. I <
.give.you.".,.;..'.,- -1..;^..-:;-- ,;, ---',;; r-^-1^.^^1
"Can't everything be bought?^ ;.
"Sadfy, ft can't. I used to taurie it <s»dd» but no'
know money can't buy the most important thic
Things I used to take for granted and treated lightl:
oh, if I had myVSs to Bw «»"?, ^ow difierent I we
bet rw made ao many rai^akes, Bart,Iwant^ to
everything right for you, withyou . . . and if you h.
to keep me as your secret, perhaps one day . . . w
let's save that for later. Youwill come again?"
She sounded so pitiful and made me feel so uneas:
shuffled my feet about and decided I'd better get a^i
quick before she tried to Iffaarwe^ "Na'aa»»; gRitto
M . ' .
back to camp. My men win be wonderin if I'm wounded
or dead. But rememberlhis---I got yea surrounded and
you canno^win this^wari"'
"I know," .she said, her voice so sad sounding. "I've
never won afiy game I've tried to ptay. I've always gone
down m defeat even when I thought I held the winning
cards." : 1': " -..,--.'-- .. ---/'<. , 1'-' ,
Just like me! Made toe feel sorry for her. "Lady, you
play your cardsright and FUxxane over everyday and
pay you a visit--or even twow three."
"Thank you» Bart.YouJustteH':-me what''cards'to- play and I'B have them on the taMe waiting for yoa."
Had me an ideathen. Lotsandloteof things 2 wanted
and never got. Didn'twant boolis, gam<?s,toys or ether
ordinary stuff. OBetting I had'tohave, and hopefully I
stared at her . ; . maybe she'd bte the JEme to give it to
me. "What's-yoar''iBMHe?" ''K -'l? " M 1- ^ "I' ""1''''- ^'
""Come again aod I'B tellyon."
I'd be comm aigairi. I^m ifIcOiadslayawayaow.

i Went home and nobody even noticed I was there.
.Momma went right on talkin about that baby (pri she
^ tod to have if her favorite student Nicole died. Gotf,
jifen'r let Nicole die, I silently prayed;
l^lory, let's play-baH."-"' -- -I- - ' ; - ^ - 1;; - :>1:"'.
l^^an't. Mom's driving Hae to afternoon iaass.%elo«
ti^s parents aire taking me to idiBBer tonight', then te?a
|Bbvie." '" -;- l.'1.,-^,-.';.^^1^^^-: -- :^«,^.:;.-^-^
l^lobody ever took ®e anywhei'<»--"aite^
l^o friends. Ncf pet of my iowo. Bratted Glover tBSed
^^y better, squeaUn like he was hurl when I stepped on
^tail by accident, (WsettiiaNetfo^- KBt, anai^e was
^^ys underfaot.^ -i^i^:^'" :.il;/iv.:l';. ; " ^^ '- "
^^ few days toterlagmi^headed ibirthe back idoor.
^^ere areyoug^n^islt^aiac^nia^wnoha^
P^o at a picture of ^rf^ittte gBl^^waa!^
. . " " ; ' ' " . , I*1
own. Weren't enough she had two boys^-had to haw
daughter too. Sissy-sillysal. ':" :
"Bart, answer me. Where are you going?"
"Nowhere.'*
"Every time I ask you what you do, and where y
go, you say you haven't been anywhere and have)
done anything. Now I want to hear the truth."
Jory laughed and bugged her. "Gee, Mom, y
oughta know him by this time. When Bart steps out t
back door he's everywhere. You never saw a kid
crazy about pretending. He's this, he's that, and t
only thing he never is ... is himself."
; The power I poured into my mean, piercing eg
should have shut Jory up---but he went right on. "I
Illlj"! prefcis fantasy to reality. Mom, that's aB."
l|a^ Weren't so. Was bored, that's all. Didn't get enou
ij-jji of what I wanted in real life, and in my pretend game
|i ] did everything right--and got everything I want<
f | Then he and Momma were laughing, and I was shut (
: again. Mad. They were makin me mad.
: ' Drat everybody who made fun of me! But ha
i | ' everybody made me feel bad, and pretendin made i
; happy. What did I have to lose if I went over to J
.^ ptece? Nothm.BothinataB.
;i ; Riskin my life in the darkest of dangerous jungles
i ij : fought my way over to her place. Bravely I struggi
; onward, .fEtdn death over and over just to get
i! her ... climbin that slippery tree that wanted me
j| i t fall. Scalin that high wall to get to her. Through <
;'|| -- wind and snow, thioagh the sleet and rain« fceezaa i
11| g| feet, blindin my eyes, I struggled onward to her.
iijijji1 I stumbled to her house lor the, fifith time in thi
.1 I'llpj days. And there she was, sniilin beneath her veil, lo'
;;i i? ;jj!| [ me as no one else did. I felt happy and warm all ovei
:j j| Ip|; ^ she called and opened her arms wide. I went flyin ii
Illlil;!^,. them,hugginheE,,eagerlositonherlapand.be;peti
Ijlij'il and pampered. She needed me. She wanted to love
tli!|l|;:: M» ' ' '
tike bar own. Her lap didn't burn me as I was afraid it
would. It didn't feel so awful to be kissed on my
cheeks--but it did feel dry. Drat thatveil!
Because she loved ine,and I loved her now, she'd
given me a room of my own to hold all the things she
gave me. Two miniature electric trains With all the
accessories, toy cars, trucks and games. All this stuff
for me to play with--in her house, not mine.
Time went by. I was gettin to tove hep more and
more each day. Then one Tuesday1 fouad that creepy
ole butler John Amos ;in her fevorhe^rooin, rnessin
around with her things, mutterin to himself about a fool
and her money being soon parted.^ Didn't iuke him
touchin her things. Didn't like him talkin mean about
her behind her back.
"You get out of here!" 1 stadia my big man'voice.
"You tell my lady I'm here, and tell your ehef I want
chocolate ice cream today with Oreo cookies, not
brownies." ^
He was an awful sight"Vow can teust a few some of
the time, and most noneof the tone.Beel lucky if you
have even one to trust otf of the time." ' ;
What was tha( supposed to mean? I "scowled'and
tried to draw away. Didn't like his fake teeth that kept
tiippin so^fe had to push them back, and theyclacked
| too, a&if they didn't fit las mouth. T ?:
I "You like her, don^ you?" ^ asked, slyly ^ailili,
| <K)ddin his head up and down, from side to side, so I
| could be confused if I wanted. "When you wantnsbe ft»U
| truth about who you are---andwhosh®is»--eometo
| We." The lady's steps on the stairs sent him scurryin
L-aS. ,,...;. 111,^:,-11^?:: :1,.^...:^:^-^^^ ^i
Creepy. He made me feel creepy and scared. I knew
s^/bo I was--most of the lime.
I6' All alone now. Nothin to do. 1 sat down and crossed
jUay legs like my daddy did, thenleaned bafcte to tight up
j--» expensive cigar, which Daddy neverdid. (Momma
1' ^
didn't like men who smoked.) -Nothin wroa|t
smokin as far as I could tell, I thought, as I bleUi
perfect smoke rings into the air . . . and awa|l
sailed toward the Pacific. They'd end up in Japan i
Mt.Fugr. . , ,: .'. . - . ' - ^.t,
"Good morning, Bart darling. I'm so glad to
you.".She came in and sat in the rocker. 4";
'"You goUny pony yet?" ; 5%Her
voice sounded worried. "Sweetheart, I nk
promised you a pony as your heart's desire, bu(|[
that without knowing how much trouble a pout
he.'* ^ , .,-...'.. '., . .,.,^
"1^promised!"Icried.WasIputlinmytrustaiB
wrong person? One who failed to deliverwhat
pronused. , a
"Sweetheart^a pony needs a stall, and ponies to
you sinell bad. When you went home your parents i
Jbry would guess you had a pet over here,"'
Instead of answerin, I began to cry. "AU nay at
been wantin a pony," I sobbed. "All my livelong B
and now I've got to grow old without hawm one . .
Sobbed some more, then hung my head and headed:
home, never to return.
"Bait... there is a beautiful big dog that we
sfflell and betray your secrets. A St. Bernard--a dog
big you can ride it like a pony. If you keep him cle
and flul^he won't betray you with his odors. . . ."
Slowly I turned to glare at her. "Ain't ao dog as I
as&jpioayK^ .,: '. 1:^.-,^.. .,
"Isnfthere^ ;'-.;^..- .' '-.; ... / "NQ!
¥?u're tryin to firake fun of me. I don't 0!
you anymore! I'm goin home and never comin bacia
not untfliyou have a pony I can naa»e Apple,"
"Darling, you can eaB your puppy Appte--but-1
won't «at theiB--aBd just think how jealous Jory woa|
be if you have a dog more marvelous than his.*1 |
Tlirittorl *^*l-- -l---^ »>- . . 1
"Only the super rich am afford to feed a St. Bernard,
Bart!"
Like I was a pin and she was the magnet, I turned
back to her unwillingly. She lifted me upon her lap and
cuddled me there, and it wasn't so awful after all. "You
can call me. Grandmother."
"Grandmother." Felt good to have a grandmother at
last. I snugged closer and waited for her to call me
Baby, but she just went right on rockin and singin a
lullaby. I put my thumb in my mouth. Nice to be
hugged and kissed and made to feel helpless and loved.
And she didn't smell like mothballs after all.
"Are you ugly under that veil?" I ashed, always
curious about what she looked like. The veil was almost
transparent, but not enough. ,,
"I guess you would think so, but once I was very
beautiful—like your mother."
"You know my mother?" I asked.
The door opened and my favorite pretty maid came
in with a dish of ice cream and hot brownies fresh from
the oven. "Now only eat one brownie, and let this little
bit of ice cream be enough so you can come over after
lunch." She went on to tell me not to shove in such
huge mouthfuls because it was not good manners, and
was also a shock to my digestive system. ; ^
I had good manners. My momma taught me all the
time. Forsome reason I was angry enough to jump
down from her lap, wonderin just what it was Jotai
Amos had to tell me. As I stumbled toward the door,
all of a sudden John Amos was there in the hall, smilm
at me spooky-like. He bowed a little and put a small
red-leather hook in my hands. "I sense you're not wry
confident about yourself," he whispered, making lots of
faissin sounds like a snake. "It's time you knew just who
you really are. That lady whe^ald you to caB her
grandmother is really yewr tt^ysmSawilm."
Oh, good golly! I didn't know i bad my own true
grandmother, I thought my grandmothers were eith
dead or in the looney bin.
"Yes, Bart, she's your grandmother, and not on
•that, once she was married to your father. Your n.
father."
Didn't know what to think, except I was awful hap)
bavui a genuine true grandmother of my very own, jt
-litee Jory had his own. And she wasn't dead, or craz
"Now you listen to me, boy, and you will never ft
weak and ineffective again. You read a little of tl
book every day and it will teach you to be like yo
great-grandfather, Malcolm Neal Fbxworth. Never <
this earth did there live a man who was smarter th
your:own great-grandfather—the father of your gran
mother who sits in that rocker and wears that ugly bla
veil.'? .. ^ • ' ' •. • • . •— • .^•: •
"She's pretty underneath," I said. I didn't like wt-
he was sayin and he way he was tookin. "Never ha
seen her face, but I can teU from her voice that sh<
pretty—prettier than you" * i ;
He sneered, then quickly changed his expression
smiflB;-,, ." ' ., ^ ._ • ' •••.: ,'.•"• , -. .
"All right, have it your way. But after you read tl
book written by your own dear great-grandfather, y
will understand that women-are not to be trusts
especially pretty women. They have ways, cunni
Ways, of making men do what they want. / You'll fi
that out soon enough when you become a man. A m
as handsome as your own father was, and she took h
and made him her slave, made him her lap dog li
she's jnaking you."
Wasn't no lap dog, wasn't?
"He was her second husband, Bartholomew Wii
low, and eight years younger than her, and he did
know any better. He thought he could use her—but s
used him. I want tosaveyou from her so youwon't e
up like yQur^herdi<»--AaKfc**
Dead. Almost everybody was dead in our family.
Wasn't really surprised by nothin he said, except I
hadn't known women were that bad. Always suspected
they were, but never really knew. should warn Jbry.
"Now if you want to save your everlasting soul from
the fires of eternal hell, you will read this book and
grow strong and powerful like your great-grandfather.
Then women will never rule you again. You will rule
them." I
looked up into his long gaunt face, seem his skinny
mustache, and his yellowish teeth through which he not
only hissed but sometimes whistled. He was uglier than
anyone I'd seen before. Bat I'd heard Emma say more
than once that pretty was as pretty did. So I guessed I
might as well give my powerful great-grandfather a try,
and read his little red-leather book withi Its sprawly
handwriting' :' i.;- ' '" . -^ ' ^..-. ^':--";1
Didn't take much to readin. Wasn't my kindof thing
to do at all. But when Iwas in the barn near the stall
that would soon be a home for niy pony, I snuggled
down in flue hay. Wanted that pony so bad it hurt.,
Didn't reaUy care if it smeBed bad and was tots of
trouble. I opened the book, which loolced mighty Old.

I am beginning this journal with the most bitter
day of my life: the" day my beloved mother ran'
away and left me for another man. She left my
father too. r Temember how I felt when he (old
me what she'd done, how muchScried, how tost t
felt without bet. How lonely to g6 to bed and
have no mother to kiss me goodnight and hear my
prayers. I was five years old. And until she left,
she'd always said I was the most importaBt'peisoir
in her life. How could she have left iBie»Mer<»n^
son? What evil thing possessed her so she could
turn her back on a loving son?
I was so innocent then, so wdawwiBg. When I
»t
rea^ the words of the Lord, Ibegan to realize that
^O&ioe Eve women havel|||i9pd men in one
^y ar another, even^ mothers. Corrine, Corrine,
h^Ibegaato bate that iia^^ ,

jr " ' ' ' -.-'-.' ;';,:!-;..j . ;''- .' I
ruQBy. Pift strange as I lifted my eyes from that re
jOtWNirith its small, cramped handwriting that som<
tUP^Stewted larger at the bottom of the page, as if h
bad to «k every bit of space.
I too had always been scared my momma might u
soft 8° hr no reason except she didn't want to be nei
109 fliiynore. And I'd be left aloge with a stepfattu
who<»(jdB't possibly tove Bie as laucfrsastfi'd beenh
PWB^trai sob, fcry would be all right, for he had h
daocm»BdiBiat was aU that really mattered to him.
**^w> bk that book?" flshMlJohsAiaos^ who ha
sae^6^ into the barn and was standing still in th
shadow»an(j watchin me with small, glittery eyes;
**^». ft's a gQodjbook," I managed to say, though
aaade aie feel bad inside, and so afraid Momma mig)
run away too wiA some man who waso't a doctor. A
the time she was wishin Daddy wasn't a doctor an
couW Stay home moret
"Now you keep reading that book each day,*' advise
John Amos, who might really like me, even though h
face w mean, "and you witt learn all about wome
and bow to control them." I could listen better when
coiAto't »ee him very good. "And boi onfy wiU yo
leartt go» (q control women, but also all people. Thi
small red book in your bands will save you from makin
;the flEBstahes so many men make. You remember tfu
wt^o you grow tired of reading, ifou remember it is ih
god^»ea <^ <»f meii^e^Jooiinate women who ar
l»si?rify<»eak and stupid."
0^» i hadn't guessed Momma was weak aad stupid
I thought die was strong and wonderful. Just like.n<
grandmother was generous and kind ..; aod ftt soia
ways, much better than my own mother, w* ^always
seemed too busy to bother with me.
"Malcolm was the kind of man other people looked
up to, Bart.Th&kiiKJofmanever^iwrespei^eda^
feared; When you can inspire that kind of awe it makes
you revered--like a god. Yeui don't' haw to teffiyottr
grandmotherabout this book. It would be better if you
didn't, and just went on pretending to love her as much
as before. Never let women know what you're thinking.
Keep your honest thoughts to yourself."'
Maybe he was right. Maybe if I read this book tothe
very end I'd end up smarter than Jory, and the whole
world would look up to me. ^ ;
I smiled that night in my bed, hugging the journal of
Malcolm close tomy heart. Here I had-the^tool to use
to make me the richest man m the world---|Ust like:
Malcolm Neal Boxworth, who used to five in a faraway
place called Foxworth Hall.
I had two friends now. My lady grandmother in black
and John Amos, who talked to Be more than my daddy
ever did. Boy, Sure was funny how strangers came into
my life and started givin me more than my parents.

Sugar and Spice

Mom had purchased a ballet school that still bore the
name of the original owner. She adopted that name,
^larie DuBois School of Ballet, and led her sfadenlsto
ftink she was Marie DaBois; Sine explained to me and
Bart later that it was easier than changing the name of
S8
the school and more profitable too. Dad seemed
agree. ., "^ ;.--,,; ',.,^.: .-.y,---; ^- "
Her school was located cm the top floor of
two-story building in San Rafael, not far from whe
Dad had his medical office. Often they ate lun
together or spent the night in San Francisco so th
could see a ballet or go to movies and not have to dri
back and forth. Emma was with us, so we didn't real
mind too much, except sometimes I felt left out to s
them come home so happy and glowing. It made r
think we weren't as important to them as we liked
ibeoewe.; ,.:,.11. ',,."'::,:.-.. .^. ,- y. ,'^1 ,.--;';,
One night when I was restless and couldn't sleep
silently stole out of my bedrooinwfth' the idea of
midnight snack on my nand, ootNagelse. Thesecoi
my feet hit the hall near the living room I could hear t
sound of my parents voices. lx»ud. They were arguit
and they seldom even spoke crossly to ooe another.
I <lidn't know what to do, to stayor^ to return to r
roona. Then I remembered thatscene in the attic» a
for my protection and Ban's, Coo, I felt I had to kn<
what this was all about. ; ,..
Mom still wore the pretty blue dress she'd worn c
to dinner with Dad, "I don't know why you he
objecting!" she stormed, as she paced back and fort
throwing Dad furious looks, "You know as welt as I
that Nreole isn't going to get well. And ff we wait w
she's buried, then the state will have custody of Cine
and we'u have a devil of a time getting her away frc
them! Let's move now. Possession is nine-tenths of t
law, and that landlady doesn't want to be bothered a
longer. Chris, please'make}up'yawmaul!"
; "?»," he said coldly* -V^e have owo children a
tfaat'seaough. There are other youngcouples who n
be delighted to adopt Cindy. Couples who don't ha
as much to lose as we do when the adoption ages
starts tt»investigate.
Mom threw her hands wide. "Tflat'&whatI'm sayingi
If we have Ondy before Nicote dies, the agency woa*t
have any reason to investigate. Ill go tonight and tell
Nicole what I plan. I'm sure she'll agree and sign
whatever legal papers are needed."
"Catherine," said my stepfather in a firm voice, "you
can't have everything the way you want it. Nicole may
very well recover in a few weeks, and even if she is
permanently crippled, she'll still want her child."
"But what kind of mother willshe make?"
"That's not te us to decide." ;
"She can't recover! You know U, andlknow it--and
what's more, Christopher Doll, I have already gone to
the hospital and talked to Nicole, and she wants vae to
have her daughter. She signed the papers I took, and I
had Simon Daughtry with me. He's an attorney, and
had his secretory along--so what can you do now to
stop me?*' J
Appearing shocked, my stepdad put his hands to his
face, while my mother railed on arid .on';
"Christopher, stop cringing behind your hands.
Show your face, and recognize what you made me do.
You were there the night Bart wasborii--there with
your pleading eyes telling me Paul wouldn't be e»oug|»,
and it would be you in the end who won. If you hadn't
been there, pleading with those' dainiied blueeyes, I
wouldn't have let the doctors talk me into signing those
papers and allowing the steruizatiotfl I wttBld'ttaW
borne anoinerchiMeveriifitdiMkmnie.B^^^^w^
there, andIgavein--CoryoursalK,dan»itf^jW^
sake!" ^ ....-:--,.-- - .^ ^.^;'1 :--f^- ^:/.:';'"
Sobbing, she fell to the floor and taycurteAup on Der
side, her fingers working in the deep shag of thecarpet.
Her long blonde hair spread Like a golden fan oft the
^ipet and cushioned her cheek as she cried on and on,
b®rating him and herself for what they were doing.
What were they doing?
. She rolled onto her back, spreading her arms wide
R^d uncovered his fac& and stared at her, lookin;
deeply wounded.
"You're right,Oa-istopherr You are always right
There^ only been one time when I was right, but tha
single time might have saved Cory's life." Sobbing, sh<
jerked her head away from Dad, who knelt beside he
andfried to pull her into his embrace. She hit at him
making me gasp.
"You were right again when you told me'not ti
many Julian! I'll bet you gloated when our marriag
turned out to be a miserable failure. FB bet you wer
delighted when Julian sat back and allowed Yoland
Lange to destroy everything we owned. Everythin
happened just the Way you predicted, making you s
happy. Then Bart suffocated in the fire that burrie
R»cworth Hall to the ground. Were you laughing insid
then too?—^ad to be rid of him? Did you think I'd ru
straight into your armsand forget about an I owe
Paul? Did you doubt Tfoved Paul?" Her voice rose to
shriB shriek. "When Paul and I were lovers I nev<
tftoyg^tbfhimas too old, until you kept harping on h
ajS5'- .Fterhips rwouldn'f have paid any attention t
A^oaNaandwhatshe^sa|ffif^^
much about marrying a fiaoo,^ twettty-ftve years older,
^shrank into a ^ghterlfeiaBL ^ha»Etei|( to stay aB
bsten»a(iaid toeet up andgo now that I'd overheard s
much. Mom was wound up, a^AE§BBe^ttsaved this for
long time, re^dy to '.tisuK^M ^iB^^^B'-at the ngj
opportunity—and here tt was. Kfc recpited from tl
•viciousnessof her.attack.,.^:.;,,:.^.' .. . „ .. - •1'1
"KfioieiBber thft^all^TOO^^^i^r^ s)
yeW "Remember? ItNi^c^^m^^ wheBi y(
hM^d me Ae rin&hepUt^ »^|te8<T. %)u hesitate
resisted you then, as I Should have resisted you after he
died. Did you wish for Kill to die soon so that you'd
have YOUR chance? A seu-fulmung wish, Olristopher
DoU! YOU WIN! YOU ALWAYS WINS YOU SIT- BACK AND WAlt WHILE YOU DO what YOU
CAN TO MESS UP MY LIFE! WELL, HERE I AMT
RIGHT WHERE YOU WANTED MEt--in your bed,
acting as your wife. Are you enjoying yourself? ARE
YOU?" She sobbed, then slapped his face hard.
He reeled backward but didn't say a word. She
hadn't finished with him even then. "Don't you reaHaSp
I would never have gone to Bart in the flust place if you
hadn't always been hanging around, coming between
Paul and me; making me ashamed of what Momma had
done to you, to me? I had to take Bart away from her
then--it was toe only way I could punish her for what
she did to us. And now, after all Paid did for us, you
won't even have the decent generosity to take in a poor
little girl who will soon be an orphan. Even when I have
paved the way legally so there won't be any investigation
by the authorities. Still you want me for yourself,
thinking two sons are enough to get in the way of our
privacy, and another child might bring down our house
of cheating cards," "-
"Cathy, please. .»" he moaned. '
She hit at him with small, balled fists, then yeHed
again, "Perhaps you even told me it was all right for
Paul to have sex just so he would have another heart
attack!"- ' , ,.- ,,,..1-.1 :.;.--';' .'::.1'.1;.'
Then she sank back, panting, tears streaking her face
while her watery blue eyes stared up at Dad, but he
only stayed still, hunkered down on his heeb as if
frozen by all she'd said.
I wanted to cry, for him, for her, for Bart and for me.
Though I didn't understand nearly enough;
My dad began to shiver uncontrollably, as if winter
^
had come unexpectedly into pUF living room. Had M
told the truth? Was he the one who was behind all
deaths ia our fives? Iwassewed too, for I loved hi
- "Grct God,;Cather(ae," he sa»d at last, rising to
feet and heading towaid their bediopm. "Ill pack
l«(P and move oat before the hour is over, if thi
what you want. And I hope you're satisfied. ITus tn
youwinT
In one angle graceful bound, she was on herfeet i
rwoiung after him. She caugbt hold of his arm and sp
him around before she flung her amis about his w
asd clung. "Cnnsi" she cr»ed out, 'Tni sorry! So sor
I didn't aean a word I said. Itwas^uel.andllalow
IH^ve yon, I've always loved you; Ilie, I cheat, I i
anything I want to get my way. ^H put;the blame
finvwe. I can't bear ifas my own. Eton't look so 6u
K» betrajied. You'renghttodeny meNicole*sdaughti
for' I do aid up hurting everyone I love. I do desti
What I care about most. H rd been the right kind
pfemon11 would have found the right words to say
Can-ie, hat I didn't say anything right to her then, a
nothnig nght to Julian either."
She stB dung to nan while he stood nte a taH stick
Wx>d inter embrace, doing nothnig 1|o return aH t
passion she lavished with her WQRiS^lrer kisses, h
eaihraces. She took one btlus limp bands and tried
slap her &ce with it, arid, laaH^te^appfcd het w
fitce With her free hand. /' '^:s ^^::[
"WBy dotft you hit me, aff^^teiows I've giw
you reason enough tonight. abs l<ton't have to ha
<^^notwhenIhaveg|»(^tM^*^ ."
I ceuldteB ay stepd»i|^apw*ew against aB ti
stand, wooden,spying nothing, trying to judge me by
your own ethics. Recognize the WIti*«&Brfiftw^tf^BV<?
any ethics f You want to believe I am only an actress
playing a role, like our mother played hens. Even now,
after aH these yeacs, youcan't tell when I'm acting and
when I'm not. Do you know why?" Now her voice
became nasty, cynical. "Since you have never bothered
to analyze my pathetic case, I'B doitfor you; €tetistopher,
you are afraid to look at me honestly. You don't
want to know what I am reaHy like. If I'm not acting,
and this side I'm showing you now is the real me--then
you can't face up to being a fool. You would discover
then you have based your great unselfish love on a
woman who is ruthless, demanding and utterly selfish.
Go on, see the truth! I'm not a divine goddessand
never was, never with be! Chris, you'vebeea 9 footaB
your adult life, trying to make me into something I'm
not--so that makes you a Bar too. Doesn't it?" She
laughed as he paled.
"Look at me, Christopher. Who do I remind you
of?" She pulled backand looked at him in silence fora
long time asshe waited. When he refused to answer she
said, "Come on, say it--I'm Kk® her, right? '1ms is the
way she was that last night in Foxworth Hall when the
guests were there swarming about the Christmas tree in
the ballroom, and in the library she was screamingas
I'm screaming now!"-yeBing oof how her fatter beat
her andmade her do^what she did. Wnal a pityyoti
weren't there. So yeU at -me^ €Bris! Strte out and ntt
me! Scream as I'm screaming and show you're human!"
Slowly, slowly be was losing his temper. I waa so
afraid of what might happen next. L wanted to rush in
and stop what was going on, for if he did raise his hand
to strike her, I'd run t& her defense. I'd never ktAaa
hit my mother. Did
she hear my silent pleas? She let go of him and
did down to the floor again, I was so confused to see
S»
them fighting, reaUy going at it. And why was the name
Raworth Hall stirring up hidden fears I didn't want to
come out into the light? A^tf^^^^ this her Mom
kept screaming about? Airf wl^e had Daddy Paul
been at this time?--at this too distant time when Mom
had not yet met hisyounger bratger7--<»r so they'd told
me. Did parents tell lies?

R«worth Hall, why did that haite <uch a familiar
ring?

Once more he went down on his knees beside her,
and this time with great tenderness he took her in his;
anas and she didn't fight him oft His quick kisses I
rained on her gate face, his fips trying to smother her
wonts which kept coming aayway, "Chris, how can you,
keep on loving me when Fm such a bitch? How can you
keep on understanding why I'm ugly so often? I know
I'm as much a bitch as she is, only I would give my life to undo the harm she's done us." f
Without a word he locked eyes with her until their]
breathing began to come in short pants. Between them|
that passion that was always just behwv the surrace
ignited, caught fire, and something electric tingled my
skin too. . . ;. : ' .'. , ... , . .;._. ,/^
Lest I see too much,: I sueatly crawled backto was
loom with the embarrassing visionat -them roillini
shout on the floorstill on my mtod. ,Qyer and wet
agate, turning, clutching at each other, both wild--ant
the last thing I aeaard.was a %ipper being pulled. His 01
hers, I didn't know. Though I wondered aboat it. Did s
wwaan ever ^ulldowft aaiaa's&y zipper ofner owe
ftee,wa(--e^^a?^^e?,ll'l.-,:-,- ^.;;^ ..--- ,
I ian into the garden, jto-tite: dark, near the grea
whfte wall, near a pale, nude statue of marble, I fei
down on the ground and cried. Rodin's statue "Tbi
K,iss" was the first thing I saw when I looked up. Just a

copy, but ft told me a whole ^ about adults and ^ '
feelings.

I'd been a child believing my parents' integrity was
flawless, their love a brilliant, smooth ribbon of unbro
ken satis. Now if was tattered, stained and no longer
shining. Had they argued many times and I just hadn't
heard? I tried to remember. It seemed to me that
they'd never hadsuch a terrible argument before, only
brief conflicts that had been soon resolved.
Too old to cry, t told myself. Though fourteen was
almost a man's age. Already I was sprouting a few hairs
above my lips and other places. Sniffling, choking my
sobs back, I ran to the white wall and climbed the oak
tree. Once there on the wall I sat m my favorite place
and stared off at the huge white mansion, which looked
ghostly m the moonlight, Nhought and I thought about
Bart and who was his father. Why hadn't he beenf
named after Daddy Paul? Surely a soa' should have his i
father's name. Why Bart instead of TSaul?
As I watched, as I wondered, fog from the sea began
to roll in, curling back upon itself, enfolding the
mansion until I couldn't see it. All about me spread the
thick graymist. Eerie, ftighteBmg; mysterious.
From the grounds next door came strange muffled
noises. Was that someone crying over there? Great
wracking sobs that were punctuated by moans and
short prayers that. askedtor forgiveness.
Oh, God! Was thatpitiful old woman crying just fike
my mother had cried? What bad she done? Did
everyone have some shameful past to conceal? Would I
be like them when I grew up?
"Christopher," I heard her sob. Stanfled, I?jerked
and tried to find where she was. How did ishe fcfiow my
dad's name? Or did she have a Christopher of her own?
I knew one thing. Something dark and threatening
had come into our lives. Bait was acting Stranger than
usual. Something or someone had to be influencing him
in subtle ways I couldn't quite put my'finger on.
Whatever was changmg Bart didn't have aaytHiBglBo do
"A Mom and Dad. K I couldn't understand them, |
Sirt wouldn't have a chance. Bat whatever it was |
teweea my parents^ and whatewr was going on with |
fcrt, I (A I had the weight of the world on my I
*oulders, and they weren't that strong yet, I

„ . :'. }:' ' ' 'i
- . -- '
One afternoon I deliberate^ harried home from'
hitet class eariy. I wanted to fad out what Bart did,
*Kb Noseif when I was away. He wasn't in his room,,
*e wasn't in the garden, so that teft only one place he;
""N pOBtUy be, Nextdoor.
I found nan easpy. Much to my surprise, he wa»
*ade the house and s^ngoo thelapat the ofct woman
*o never wore any clothes ttat weren't black, f
I sucked in my breath. The itue rascal cuddled up
*only on herblack lap. I stole doserto the window cut
Ac parior she seemed to favor above the others. She
*as singing softly to him as he gazed up into hei
*al-saiauded face. His huge 4aA eyes were full of
innocence before his expression suddenly changed to
ttat of someone sly and old. "You don't really love me
*> you?" he ashed in the strangest voice?.
"Oh, yes I do," she said softly. 'Itove you more thai
I have ever loved anyone before."
"Wore than you could love fory?"
Why the Devil should she love me?
She hesitated, glanced away, answered, "Yes. .
you are very, very special to me,"
"You with always love mfr best ofall?" .
"Atways,ah»ays. .."
"You will give me everything I want, no mattt
what?"
"Always, always . . , Bart, my dear love, thewa
ttiae you eone over yfla» with fad waiting for you--yoi
heart^ifcare"
"You'd beter have fc heae!" saidBart ia a hard wi
that surprised me. AM of a sudden he sounded years
older. But he was always changing his way of talking,
walking. Playaeting.always pretending.
I'd go home Mid teU Mom and Bad.: Bart really
needed friends his own age, not an old lady. It wasn't healthy for a boy not to have peels to play with. Then
again, I wondered why my patents never asked any of
their friends to our homethe way other parente had
their friends over occasionally. We lived aB. to ourselves,
isolated ftom neighbors--until this Moslem
woman, or whatever she was, came to win my brothers
affections. I should be glad for him; instead, I was
'uneasy..'1 : . ,;. ' , - .--. 1-'. 1. ; 1 ?-:/ ,'
Finally Bart got up wd said, "Goodbye, Grandmother."
Just his ordinary little boy voice--but what
theheckdidhemeanbygronrfwet/ter? \par I waited patiently unttll was sure Bart was in our
yard before I circled the huge old house and banged
hard on her front door. Iexpectedto see that old bafier
come shambling down the long hall to the foyer, but it
was the old lady herself who put an eye to the peekhote
and asked who it was.
"Jory Marquet Sheffield," I said proudly, just as my
dad would-' . :. ' ' -- ;'" .,' ''.. ^11"-'"-' .1;-
",Iory,"she whispered. In another momeni she-had
flung open the door. "Come in," she invited- bapp^,
stepping aside to admit me. Way back in the shadows I
thought I glimpsed someone who quickly dodged out of
sight. "I'm sohappy to have you visit. Your brother was
here and has depleted our supply of ice cream, but I can
offer you a cola driak and cake orcookies.ft ^ "
No wonder Bart .wasB^t: eating Emma's good cooking.
Thiswoman was feeding him pink food. "'fl^bo a»e
you?" I asked angrily. "You have no right to feed my
brother anything." ,:-11' ^^^:-^-«':... ^ ^'^.!She
stepped back, appearing hurt and humblei"I try
to tell him he should wait until after his roeate, but he
insists. And please don't judge me harshly wid
giving me a chance to explain." Her gesture invitee
to take a chair in, one of her fancy parlors. Thoil^
wanted to decline, my curiosity was aroused. I folloU
her into what must have been the grandest «|
outside ofa-French palacelTherewasa concert g|
piano, itov& seats, brocade chairs, a desk, and »1
marble fireplace. Then I turned to look her overgo
"Do you have a name?" ^
Floundering, she managed a smalt voice. "Bart i
me... Grandmother."'
"You're not hB grandmother," I said. "When;
tell him you are, you confuse him, and Lord knc
lady, if there is one thing my brother doesn't need,
more confusioiK""
A slow redness colored her forehead. "I have
grandchildren of my own. I'm lonely,! need some
..:, and- Bart seems to Ufee me . . ." ^
Pity at her overwhehnedme, so I could hardly
what I'd planned beforehand, but I managed neveri
less. "I don't think coming over here is good for B
ma'am. If I were you I would try to discourage him.
needs friends his own age.. ."and aer» my w
dwindled away, for how could I teB her she was
old? And two grandmothers, one in a nut house,
the other a ballet nut, were more than enough.

The very next day Bart aattwesre told that nh
had died in the night, and from now on her daugh
CSndy, would be our sirf^.lNyaej^roet Bart's, I
had his eyes on his plate, bat to wasn't eating. I loo
around,startled, when I telttd a yaung child cry
"That's!<aBdy,"satd.I^^^^ii|«l^^ I'wer
Nieole's sidte when she ^I^HSr?^ words wer
request for us to take cateofibeEefaud; When I thou
about you ftiw boysi«!^|^l|^|^|6e^^

jcould die feeling more at peace knowing my children
|had a goodhome... .'.so I tet your toother say what
^e's bees wanting to say ever since Nicole's accident."
| Mom came into the kitchen. In her arms she carried a
I small girl with blonde ringlets and large blue eyes
lAhnost the same color as hers; "Isn't sshe adorable,
I fory, Bart?" She'kissed a round rosy cheek while the
I^Hg blue eye^ looked ftoro one to ^iSae, ptheriof us.
p'Cindy is eaafltly two years and two months and nw
I days old.l^ieote's landtodywas delighted to be rid <rf
^what she tNmght a heavy burden." She gave us a happy
Iwile. "RemeTOberwheayoa asiced for a aster, Jory? I
fctold you then I couldn't have more chiMrea. Well, as
jyou can see, sonaetimesCrod woriBS in niysterioos ways.
|Tm crying joside for Nieote, who snouN hawe-ayed to
|l»e eighty. But her spine ;wa&^ brotea' and- she had
I multiple internal injuries--'' ?
She left th^ rest unsaid. I knew it was terribly sad for
Someone as young and pretty as nineteen-year-old
Nicole Nickols to die just so we could have the sister I'd
only mentioned casually a long tunesago, A : <
"Was Nicoleyour patfent^"! asked Dad. a ;
"No. son^she wasn't. But since she was a friend, and
your mother's stuideflt,;we were notified other fatiiure
to respond to medical^treatment. We rashed to the
hospital to be with her. I suppose neither of you heard
the phone ring about fcuf tnis'ntoriung."A
I stared at naynew sister. She was very pretty is her
pink pajamas with feet: Her soft <a^ fluffed oot
around her face. She clung to my mother and stared at
strangers before she ducked her head and hid from our
eyes. "Bart," said Mom with a sweet saute» "you used
to do that,Ifyou hid your face, you thought we
couldn'tsee you just because you coulda't see hs;"
"Get her out of heref" he yelled, hit lace a red masfc
of anger. '"lake her away! Put her in tih? graw witt»l»er
mother! Don't want no sister! I hate her, ha^e her^
Silence. No one could speak after this outburst.
Then, while Mom stood on looking too shocked eve
to breathe. Dad reached to control Bart, who jumpe
up to hit Cindy! Then Cindy was crying, and Emma we
glaring at my brother.
"Bart, I have never heard anything so ugly an
cruel," said Dad as he lifted Bart up and sat him on hi
knee. Barf wiggled and squirmed and tried to get awa
but he couldn't escape. "Go to your room and sta
there until you can learn to have some compassion fc
others. You would feel very lucky in Cindy's place."
Grumbling under his breath, Bart stomped to hi
room and slammed his door.
Turning, Dad picked up his black bag and prepare
to feave. He gave my mother a chastising took. "Nkr
do you see why I objected to adopting Cindy? Yo
know as well as I that Bart has always had a ver
jealous streak. A child as lovely and young as And
wouldn't have been two days in an orphanage befor
some lucky couple seized her up^
"Yes, Chris, you are right, as always. If Cindy ha
been taken into legal custody she would have bee
adopted by others--and you and I would have gon
daughterless all our lives. As it is I have a little girl wh
seems so much like Carrie to me."
My father grimaced as if from sharp pain. Mom we
left sitting at the table with Cindy on her lap, and fc
the first time since I could remember; he didn't kiss he
goodbye. And she didn't call out, "Be careful."
In go time at all Cindy had me enchanted. Sh
toddled from here to there, wanting to touch ever]
thing and then have a taste. A nice warm feeling rushe
over me to see the little girt so weU eared for, so love
and pampered. The two of them together looked ok
mother and daughter. Both dressed in pink, with pin
ribbons in their hair, only CSBdy had on white sod
withlace, .^ .- ..':-;>? : ':T- ^ ;
"Jory will teach you to dance when you're old
enough." I smiled at Mom as I passed her on my way to
ballet class. Quickly Mom got up to hand Cindy over to
Emma, then she joined me in her car that was still
parked incur wide garage. "Jory, I think Bart will soon
learn to like Cindy a little more, don't you?"
I wanted to say, no he wouldn't, but I nodded, not
letting her know how worried I was about my brother.
Trouble, trouble, boil will double'. . . .
"Jory, what was that you just mumbled?"
Gee, I didn't know I said it aloud. "Nothing, Mom,
Just repeating something I overheard Bart saying to
himself last night. He cries in his sleep,. Mom. He calls
for you, screaming because you've run away with your
lover." I grinned and trieAto look lighthearted. "And I,
didn't even know yottptay around."
She ignored my facetious remark. "Jory, why didn't
you tell me before that Bart has nightmares?"
How could I tell her the truth?---that she was much
too taken up with Cindy to pay attention to anyone
else. And never, never should she give anyone more
attention than Bart. Even me,

"Momma, Momma!" I heard Bart cry out in his
sleep that night. "Where are you? Don't leave me
alone! Momma, please don't leave me. Don't love hint
more than me. I'm not bad, really not bad . . . just
can't help what I do sometimes. Momma...
Momma . . . t"
Only crazy people couldn't help what they did. One
crazy person in our family was enough. We didn't need,
another living under our roorl;
So ... it was up to me to save Bart from himself. Up
to me to straighten out something crooked that had
begun a long time ago. And way back in the shadowed
recesses of my brain, there were vagie, nmrttting
^sse-mories of something that had troubled me year
4--rfaep,I was too young to understand. Too young t
^^»e jigsaw pieces together.
Trouble was, I'd beep doing so much thinking a
ffse past, tot now it was waldng up» and I <
remember a man with dark hair, a man different
f^addy Paul. A man Mom used to call Bart Winsld
svssd those were my half brother's first and w
fyames. . . , , . . . ^

My Heart's Desire

Wicked little girt, that Cindy. Didn't care whosaw naked. DKin't care who saw her sit on the potty. Du
care about being decent or clean. Took my toy cars <
chewed on them.
Summer wasn't so good no more. Nothin t'do.
where t*go but next door, Ole lady kept promising t
pony and never did it show up. Leading me oa, teas
me. rd show her. Make her sit over there all aid
wouldn't visit. Punish her. Last night I heard Mom
tellingDaddy how she saw that ole lady in bli
standing on a ladder propped against the wall. "A
she was staring at me, Chris. Really staring!"
Daddy laughed. "Really, Cathy. What harm can|
stares do? She's a.steanger in a strange land. Woul|
it have been friendly jag^u to wave and say helle
perhaps introduce yourseff9" I snickered to mys|
Grandmother wouldn't have answered. She was |

« ,. " ' ' il

ground all strangers but me. I was the only oneshe
^trusted.
I - Another day of being mean to Cindy had caused
everywhere to be named off-limits to me. But I was
' clever and stole outside and snuck quickly away, to next
door, to where people liked me.
"Where's my pony?" I screeched when I saw the
barn still empty. "You promised me a pony--so if you
; don't give me one I'u tell Momma and Daddy you are
p trying to steaFfflieaway^
I- She seemed to shrink inside her uglytlack robe while
; those pale, thin hands of hers fluttered to the neckline
| so she could tug out a heavy rope of pearls she usually
| tapt hidden.
t- "Tomorrow, Bart. Tomorrow you get your heart's
Idesire." .' ' ' ' '. ' '
I Met John Amos on the way home. He led me into his
secret cubbyhole and whispered of "man-doings."
; "Women like her are born rich and they never need
brains," said John Amos, his watery eyes hard and
slitlike. "You listen to me, boy, and never fall in love
with a stupid women. And o// women are stupid. When
you deal with women you have to let them know who is
boss right from the start--and never let them forget ft.
Now, your lesson for today. Who is Malcolm Neal
Foxworth?"
"My great-grandfather who is dead and gone but
powerful even so," I said, not really understanding
even as I said it. '
"What else was Malcolm Neal Foxworth?"
"A saint. Asaint deservilHEg^ of a tordfy place in
heaven-." '. ' "-' : - - * '."--''--"''
"Correct. But teBit all, leave noflurigout."
"Never was there a man born smarter than Malcolm
Neal Foxworth."
"That's not all I've taught you. You should know
ia6»
more about .him from reading his journal. Are ^
reading it daily? He wrote in that book faithfully all
life. I've read it a down or more tunes. To read i!
learn and to grow. So never stop reading your gn
grandfather's journal until you are just as clever i
smart as he is." ,
"Is clever the sameasbeingsmart?"
"No, ofcourse not! Clever is not letting pee
suspect just how smart youare."
"Why didn't Malcolm like his Momma?" I as!)
though I knew she'd run away, but would that make
hate my momma? ,
'^L4ke his mother? Lord God above, boy. Male
was wild about his mother until she ran off with
lover and left Malcolm with-his father, who was
busy to/pay him any attention. If you read on, I
you'll find out soon just what turned Malcolm aga
all women-Read on and increase your knowlec
Malcolm's wisdom will become yours. He will te
you to never trust a.woman to be there when you a
her.", ^ 1.' . ,. .1 . . ' " , , , . , , ,
"But my .momma. is a good momma," I defen
weakly, not so sure anymore that it was true, Ufe'
so "devious," (New word for today^devious.)
"Now, Bart," (>addy had said early this mon
when he carefully printed-the word and explained to
exactly what it meant, "I want you and Jory to fin
way to fit devious into your conversation today at 1<
five times. It means departing from the shortest «
crooked and unfaa^D^^I^US,"
Spelled it for me,poHy d||( I sure bated living i
"devious world." Dttatted,ns!W vocabulary words »
teaching mehQw ides/tow everyone; csould be.
"Now I'mgoing to leave yptt stone so you can r
more of Malcolm's words," said John Amos befoM
shufi|edoff,benf sUgbtly forwafd^and to the side.
70 ' ' 1 : ' , '^
I opened the? book to the page where the leather
bookmark was.

Today I just wanted to try a littleof my father's
tobacco, so I filled his pipe with what I found in
his office, then stole outside and smoked behind
the garage.
I don't know how he found out unless one of
the servants told on me, but he knew. Fire came
in his Bard eyes and he ordered me to strip down
to naked. Cringing, I cned when hewhipped me,
and then he put me in the attic until I could learn
the ways of the Lord and redeem my sins. While I
was up there I found old photographs of my
mother when she was just a yd. How beautiful
she was. So innocent and sweet looking. I hated.
her! I wanted her to die that very moment
wherevershe was in the world. I wanted her to be
suffering as I was, with cuts bleeding down my
back, while I nearly suffocated in that airless hot
attic.
I found things in that attic, corsets with laces so
a woman swelled out in front, deceiving men into
believing she had more than what came naturally.
I knew I would never be deceived by any woman,
no matter how beautiful. For it was "beauty that
put me in the attic, and beauty that used the whip
on my back, and it wasn't really my father's fault
what he did. He was hurting, too, HkB I was.
Now I knew what he'd said all the time was
true; no woman could be trusted. And most
especially those with beautiful faces and seductive
bodies. '

Lifting my eyes I stared into space, seeing not the
>am and all the hay, butthesweet and beautiful face of
n
my mother. Was she devious? Would she one day n
away with her "lover" and leave me to fend for mysf
with a stepfather who didn't love me nearly as much
he jtoved Jory and Cindy?
What would I do then? Would my grandmother tal
me in?
I asked her later on. "Yes, my love, I will take you i
I will care for you, fight for you, do what I can for yo
for you are the true son of my second husband, Ba
Window. Haven't I told you that before?Trust 01
believe in me, and stay away from John Amos. He
not the kind of friend you should have."
Son of her second husband. Did that mean n
momma had been married to him too? AS the tin
marryin somebody! I dosed my eyes and thought abo
Malcolm, who was long gone in his grave. Rock, roc
rock went her chair. Thud, thud, thud went the dirt (
my grave. Dark now. Smothery. Cramped and col
Heaven . .. where was Heaven7
"Bart, your eyes are glassy.^
"Tired, Grandmother, So tired."
"Soon you will have your heart's desire."
Money, wanted money, piles and piles of gree
backs. At that moment someone banged on the fro
door. I jumped off her lap and quickly hid.
Jbry ran in ahead of John Amos, who had admitb
him. "Whiere is my brother^" he asked, looking areui
the room. "I don't like what's happening to him anc
think it has something to do with coming over here-
"Jbry," said my grandmother, putting out her hai
with all the sparkling, jeweled fingers. "Don't glare
me. I don't harm him. I only give him a little ice crea
after his meals. Sit down and talk for awhile. I'll sei
tor refreshments."
Ignoring her, with the nose of a bloodhound Jo
raced straight to me and yanked me out from beha
the potted palms. "No thank vqu, lady," he said coW
•3ft
"My mom gives me all I need-to cat--and what-you'ye
doing over here is changing trim, so please don't tet N01;
come again."
Her barely visible lips clamped together and I saw
tears in her eyes as I was pulled away. Jory shook me in
our back yard. "Don't you ever gobackthere again,
Bart Sheffield! She is not your grandmother! You look
at her as if you like her more than Mom'"

There were some who said Bart Wmstow Scott
Sheffield was not as tall as other boys at nine. But I
knew as soon as I hit ten I'd shoot up like a weed in the
summertime. Soon as I was in Disneyland again, I'd be
inspired enough togrow as tall as a giant;
"Why are you looking so solemn, darling9" asked
Grandmother when I was snuggled on her lap again the
next day. The pony still hadn't come,
"Not coming to see you no more," I said grumpily.
"Daddy will give me a pony for my birthday when I teU
him again I want one. Won't need yours."
"Bart, you haven't told your parents about me, have
you?"' '''" ^' 1 ' . ' .' ''...; ""'
"No.ma'am."
"If you lie God will punishyou."
Sure, why not? Everybody else did. "Vever tell
nobody nothing,"* I mumbled. "Momma and Daddy
don't like me 'noway: They got Jory, N05)? they got
Cindy too. That's enough forthem.'^ s^
She tooir a quick glance around, 'psyilag, special
attention to the pocket doors thaflt 'were cS^^'and
latched tight. She whispered: "Bart, Tve seen you
talking to John. I've asked you to stay away from him.
He's an evil old man who can be very cruel. Keep thai
inmind.'^ ,
Gee, who could I trust? He said the same thing about
her. Once Td thought everyone in my family could be
' . W
(rested. Now I was; learning profits weiretft
what they seemed tobe on the surlfice. Weren't j
never cared enough, especially when it came i
Maybe it was only Grandmother who really cam
John Amos. Then I was bewildered again. Wa
Amos my true friend? If hewas, then my grandi
couldn't be. Had to choose. Which to choose'? H
I made big decisions like that? Then, when <
. mother had her arms about me, my face held to h
breast, I knew, she was/the one who loved me be
was^ny own true-for-a-fact grandmother.
^Bat... what if she wasn't?
Pd seen my grandmother a dozen or more
John Amos had been my friend only for a few
Maybe if he waited for me seven times in a to
would tell me he was lucky and good for me.
times of anything meant good luck. Five til
talking to me in his spooky place had taught me i
that women were sneaky and devious.
"Bart, my darling," whispered my granny, ]
her dry lips on my cheek near my ear. "Don't I
afraid, just leave John Amos alone, and don't 1
anything he tells you." She stroked my face, the
her smile. "Now, if you rundown to the 6am ai
a look inside, you will find something any boy
love to have, and those who don't wilt envy yen
She started to say something else- but I jumpe
ner lap and raced from her room and ran all the
the barn. Oh gosh, oh gee, every day I carried ai
in my pocket, just hoping. Every day I carried lu
Momma's sugar, just Hoping. Efcayed every nij
that pony i just had to have. This pony was g(
Jove me more than anybodyl I ran to the, bai
didn't fall once. Then I pulled up short and ;
THAT wasn't a ponyl
It was only a dog. A big hairy dog who stood v
7*
waggin, and his eyes loolrin at me adoringly
(ready, and I hadn't done one thing to win his love. I
«nted to cry. It was leashed and tied by a rope to a
tmnp in the barn dbt Sow. The dog wiggled all over,
Hf happy to see »e---and I hated that dog.
Behind me she came runnin up, aH breathless and
antin. "Bart, darling, don't be disappointed. I really
anted to give you apony, but as I told you, ff I did,
tai would go home reeking of horses, and Jory and
but parents would find out, and never let you come
|ek to visit me." -''.'" ' :'"' ?' : : ''
ial sank down on my knees and bowed my head. I
panted to die/I'd eaten all that ice cream, suffered
krougb all those kisses and hugs ... and still she
adn't given me a pony. "yob Ued (o me." I chofced,
1Kb tears in my eyes. "You've made me waste au my
ys visitin you when I could have done somethin
|tter." And there I went, dropping my G's again. Not
Ingrown up after aH.
|"Bart, darfing, you don't understand about St.
temards at all!"she said, gathering me up in her arms.
phis dog is still just a puppy, and see how big he is. He
M grow up to be as big as a pony. You can saddle him
|d ride him around. And did you know in Ae
|>Bntains they use this breed of dog to rescue people
" a have been lost in the snow? A teg of brandy is tied
und the dog's neck, and aH by himself, a dog Bke
»can find a lost man and save his fife. ASt; Bernasd
he world's most heroic dog."
|I didn't believe her. Still, I had to stare at the puppy
§? more interest--that was a puppy? He stramed at
^ leash, trying to get at me, and I ttod aim a Httte
l^e for doing that. "With he really grow up to be as
Sfcasapony?"
^Ban, he's only six months old, and already he's
Most as big as some poaiesi" She laughed and caught
I- ' . ys
my hand and Hilled me inside the barn. "SeeJ
said, pointing to a red saddle with bit and bnd|H then to a little two-wheeled red cart. "You ca||B
him, or hitch him to the cart--'and have an all-p'IJM
dog or pony, whatever you want. All you havet<^
use your imagination." . ^^
"Will he bite me?" 1^
"No, of course not. Darling, tookAt him, how^|
he is to see a boy-Put out your hand and let hul||
your palm- Treat him kindly, feed, mm well, aod^
his hair free of briars and tangles, and you win Qo||
have the most beautiful dog in the world, but th«||
friend of your life." ^|
Fearfully I inched my hand away from my body||
the puppy licked it tike ice cream. Sturpy kisa|
laughed because it tickled. "Go way, Grandmothe|
ordered. , '. ..-. , ^ . ^ . .., .^
She backed away reluetantly while I knelt in fro|
the pony so I could tell it what it was. "Now yott|
here," I said firmly» "and you remember what 1||
You we not a dog but a pony. You are not mead
carry brandy in kegs to people who are lost and snoB
in--you are meant for carrying me only. You aa|
pony, and mine alone!" ^ , ^ I
He looked at me as if bewildered, cocking his
shaggy head to one side as he sat on his haund
"PoBtyousitffilsetbat!".tyeBed- "Ponies fdonNs
only dogs.",, -^ ,, ; : ^^ '-. ,...- „ ,'1 /..'.--:
"Bart," came my grandmother's soft ,viCHee, s
kind,^retiwember."-'-^,''/ h,.'-'- -. 1 /^
I ignored her* W<W|iien^»°B'( count in man-do;
like this. John Amos bad told me that. Men ruled
world, and: womeo had to sit back and keep quiet.
1 had to cast a spell and make a puppy over ini
pony. Mean witches on stagp knew how to do thf
thought and thought aboufcW!B»y stage witch I'd see
W -.:'1;:;'': '
[ete and finally I thought I knew justiKW it was

K'eded a long hooked nose and ajattingi^^
KSiowed-out eyes and bony long tog^ mw black
fct..o inches long. Only thing I ^^^"S'
H, piercing eyes-maybe that wdd^the tncKBwhow
to make mean eyes real P00' , . ,
Sung my arms overhead, carted n»y ^ lnto
|ihunclLln^backandcaa^^spefl:<^d^
»Apple! With this magic potion I g^'andwla^
»I put upon thee. I make you te10?,1^^^
Ite the magic potion which was all apP1®;, No",y.
Ffflme,alInune!NeverwfflyoueatordriAiflani

|hhe one to give you the food and water. Never will
H tove anyone but me. ^ wiB nmtomean4^
Pn I do. MINE, APPLE, MD«t Now AND
^REVERMC«E... MINE!" , , .-. , ,,
f^ power of my magic speH had Appte snffinga
^mtloffered. HewhinqieredunNPP^^toWd

Pnose away, showing more interest inthea1^1 ^
Fing for later. "Now, don't you whinny andtry10^
perything," I scolded, bitmgintothe^pte^to
|ow himhow it was done. Again I held the appteom
pmy pony to eat. Again he tuffledaway hs^tt
Bute and golden hea?Some of his to i»as red<fa*
|old and sorta pretty. I bU into the apple ^ato and
fehewed, showing him what good food ^"^
1 "Bart," calted Grandmother wit^ a ^WlW
voice, "perhaps I madfr a roistate. Ftt ^^pwsm
back to the ^t shop. and buy yo» ^at W^

wanted." ,
I looked from her to «ay "ew^t, Aentowar^^

home, considering. Ttey'd be ^ ^S"8.^^
pomes smelted horsey. And doggy f^^^
natural; they'dbe convinced Oover bad finaHylearart
to trust me-when ae bwct w«A» tet the w nuttn
my hand and pulled me inside the
said, pointing to a red saddle with 4»
then to a little two-wheeled red car
him, or hitch huntottecart—andha
dog or pony, whatever you want. AM^
use your imagination." ; ^i
"Will he bite me?" ;?
"NQyOfcoiuse not; Darling, look at!
he i&tosee a boy- Put out your han^K
your palm, "I^eat hire kindly, feedJh)K
his hair free of briars and tangles, and 5
have the roost beautiful dog in the woi
friend of your life.*' ,
Fearfully Ipinched my hand away &s
the puppy licked it like ice cream.
laughed because it tickled. "Go way,-
ordered.., ,' •^. • ^'' . ^. ' . . •: •"'••^
She backed away reluctantly white I k
the pony so I could tell it what it was.
here," I said flnitlyn "and you rerneis
Kba erf! noy a dog but a pony; you/;ai
(Wrjrbrandyinfcegste^optewhoai'fj
in^-yw are meant for carrying me 016
pony, and oune aloaet" ; ; ? ;
He looked at me as if bewildered,
shaggy head to one side as he sat
"pout you; s»t ate thatF' ^ yefled,
.ogtydogs,";. --;:?--'.'1. ..-••:-1. ^.-
"Bart," came my grandmother's soft
kw^-reiBiKsmber.? •^ .,^' . k,-.-,. ••.' ^"•^
I igBored her. ^)|»en didn't couatAl
like this. John Amos had told roe that. ni
world, and women had to sit back and tea
I had to cast a spell and make a pupil
poay. Mean witches on stage knew howl
thought and thought about every stage wite
m - '' ' '' '
Hi^ finally I thought I knew just how it was

j^ long hooked nose and a jutting long chin,
H^lHsd-outeyes and bony long fingers with black
Kph,rihes long.Only thing I had right was mean,
Kiting eyes---maybe that woulddo the trick.
B|lr to make mean eyes real good.
Mjg|rmv arms overhead, curled my fingers into
^Itched my back and cast my spell: "I chrisss-en
^^et With this magic potion I give, and with this
l^uponthee, laiafeytwitetoa^^
B|inagic potion which was an apple. "Now you
l^iBlnaniel Never ^HIlyou^or^btekifIaliB
^ptfcto give you the fi^odand witer. Never will
^anyone but me. You will run to me and die
MINE, APPUE, MiNBl N0^ AND
^BiMORE.-. .MBfEy ,':1;:;1-"''..:'",; ";,
^>wer of my magic spell had Apple sniffing at
^1 offered. He whimpered unhappily and turned
|| away, showing more interest in the sugar I was
||br later. "Now, don't you whinffy and try tp eat
Hog," I scolded, biting into the apple myself to
jinn how it was done. Again I held the apple out
|tpony to eat. Again he turned away his giant
jand golden head. Some of Us fur was reddish
|sd sorta pretty. I bit into the apple again and
|d, showing him what good food he wa|» m^ng.
It,'' called Grandmother with a chOJoft^ her
b "perhaps I made a mistake. I'll take the puppy
|& the pet shop and buy you that pony you
A" ' ' .. -'.->;.-.^ :--1:;./1.:¥.';1^1,.;;^
^sed from her to say: aewipet, theiKpwaid'a^
| iExaisidering. They'd be ssae to ^swell a hojrae, if
' smelled horsey. And doggy smells would Seem
u; they'd be convinced Clover had finally learned
st me--when Be never woahtitet me near him.
n
"Grandmother, I'm going to keep ||
pony. I'U teach hint all about how:fcg|
doesn't team before I go to DaM^I
him baiek--and never can I1 coaae tfl|
Laughing and happy then, I fell <
frolicked with my puppy-pbny, theat
the whole wide world. And hisAagi
in my arms, real good. ^
1 looked at her, then, and I ki
wrong. Women were not evil and <
relieved to have found out at last that it
who was devious, and Momma and i
were the best things in my whole, fi^s
"Grandmother,are you truly roy n
and my real daddy was your second I
"Yes, ft's true,"she said with herli
it's a secret. Just between us. You ms
teHanyone." She seemed to droop,]
was so happy inside I wanted to burst.|
and a real grandmother who had been j
real father. Gosh, t was getting Iucfey||j
Andthere I wassayingmy "mgs."1Ei||
Appte and my grandmother did for mejl(
to prounce ifse "ings" with a G. In x " "
had succeeded, 'when Momma and
trying for yearsand years.
Soon I found out that eating had
toving. The more food I gave Appfe, tne?1
me. And without the hefty of TOorespett^
all mine. When came in tee mornings he
jumping up and spuming in circles, wag
uduttg my face. When I hitched him t0>'i
cart he bucked just tike a real horse. Tri<
rid himself of the small saddle I put on 1
Boy, just wait until Jory got a load of the!
I could-worfe;';11-^'1 .: -:-' ' <.-.: ^.:^ ^
"Goaaa be^leveAsoon.'* I saidto oim
W .
B^B^s. of gi^ng her a few ideas. "Ten," die ^^^"Ybu will be ten on your next birthday."
H^lt' I shouted, insisting. "All year I've been
Bll^o- I have to be eleven by now."
B^^i't start wishing your life away. Time goes
^Biyenough. Hold onto your youth, stay as-you

ll obstroking Apple's head. "Granny, tell me
|^BrJtttle,boys^'-: , ;. - -- . ,, - ^, .'. -;
^E^beri sad again, not from her face I couldn't
Bfe&ona the way her shoulders drooped;, "One
? heaven," she whispered hoarsely, "the other

l^re did the other go?" I asked, thinking maybe

||$h," she said simply, drooping more»
agoing south too. Hftte tk^it plaee1--4ull of ole
^and full of ole grandmothers. One is locked up
Honey bin. The other is a mean-faced ole witch.
^Bivbest grandmotheti" for bynow I knew she
p|t:be Daddy's crazy mother, buiithe mother of
y daddy. And women changed names whea they
pd husbands, so that's ... and then I'knew I
|Jneven know her last or first name. "Gorrine
|ew," she said when I asked, her head still bowed.
l|d see a little of her face where her nos^ lifted the
||yeil from hercheeks. A Nt oH her hair showed
pay hair with streaks of gleaming gold, softh<|tel
I/her. She was really going to suffer when I was
fc,... .' .. - .- .,-;J^/..^...,;'.^''1'
|@jag:to Disneyland, Grandmother. Gonna stay
twie week and have a party with mQrftgiftSs&o®
Btea and Daddy and fory and Emma, and then
}aBi fly East and! spend two rotten weeks just
Ie-". . / ..,' :. - -':-- -.:..:,---;. .";'.^know,"
she interrupted with a smile in her voice,
weeks wasted by visiting-ole graves and ole

' . '': 1'1'' .' 79
grandmothers. But you have a good t
leaned to kiss and hug me tight.f^
gone I'll take good care of Apple.?^
"NO!" I screamed, terrified Ap
more than me when I came back.
alone. He's mine. Don't you go fe<
him more yours than mine."
She agreed to do what I wanted*'! <
gonna find a way to go to Disneyland, <|
to take care of Apple. Howl was^gol
really dear in my mind--and from the
it wasn't clear in hers either. '"^
Later I was in the barn with Apple, s
tall and skinny above, as I sprawl
lectured again on how evil women
made men "sin."
"Nobody does anything
"Don't you think for one ;
wicked plans for you, Bart Wirislow"^
"Why'd you call me that?" ^
"It's your name, isn't it?" ^
I grinned, really proud to tell him 11
name-ever. ; ' ~ ' 'Vs
"That's not important," he said wi
"Be attentive, boy. You asked me yesai
and I wanted to tell you exactly, but El
wording. Sin is what men and women do 1
they close their bedroom door." <
*'What'< so bad about sin?" ' -'"
Hescowled, showing his teeth, and I
into the hay, wishing he'd go away and X
Apple<atone. '1.'" " ./1 / ' " 1 '^
"Sin is wait women use to make a man t
got to face Up W certain facts.^ InsiEte^B
there is a weak, spineless streak, and wom<
to find it by taking off their clothes and <
pleasures to sap a man's strength by desire
m
^irsee bow she smiles at your father, how she
^Blace and nails and wears skimpy clothes, and
^^^^father's eyes light up--both are on their
^BEli^S when you see that."
^Bl^wed, kinda hurting inside. Didn't want my
^Bsdo bad things to make God punish them.
^ijliear the words of Malcolm again, 'I cried and
^^five years after my mother went away and left
^[my father, who hated me for being hers. He
^^fdl the time she was married to him she was
l^ deceiving him with many lovers. And then
l|a't love me. Couldn't stand for me to be near
HUt grew so lonely shut up in that big house with
BJaHrtio cared. Time and again Father told me he'd
B^; ahlp. to remarry because of me. None of his'
UISSS. liked me. But they did fear me. You can bet
^Bi know what I thought. I knew they'd bum in
||aal fires of hell.'" ,
pot's a paramour?" I asked, boredsometimes

^relict soul on its way to hell." Wseyesburned
||». "And don't you think you can go away on a
pm and leave the care of Apple to another. When
peept the love of an animal, that animal is your
liability for its entire life. You feed him, water
(poom and exercise him---or God will see that you

jivered and looked at my puppy-pony, who was
iBg his tail., , ,.. , ^ ^, ',-,:,--; ,.:,
|»re is power to your^ darkeyes, Btart* The same
vS power Malcolm had. God has sent you to carry
a unfinished duty. Malcolm will never rest easy in
rave until all the Devil's spawn are sent down to
wer the fires of heIU"
ires of hell," I repeated dully.
we are there already . . . three more togo."
hreemoreto go," - <; -: '- ,;- .
81

"Evil seeds reproduce and multipli^gj
"Over and over." • '''"I^B
"And when you have done your dtt^g
rest easy in his grave." • '"''^^B
"Rest easy in my grave." ' "'^III^
"What's that you said?" ?^^
I was confused. Sometimes I pce^^J
cote. John Amos smiled for some reail||
pleased. I was allowed to go home tfi^^
Jory came on the run to question me&i|l|
been? What do you do over there? I|l^
that old butler. What does he tell
He made me feel like a mouse fadi^|
Then I remembered Malcolm's bool^
handled situations like this. I put a'col|
face. "John Amos and I have secrete t^
your-dama business."" • .• ^ i'''''^
fory stared. I strode off.. -• -L*^
Under a huge spreading tree MonMR^|
Cindy in her baby-swing. Sissy girls hatf||
in to keep from falling out, "Bart," she'Oi
have you been?" ' ' ' •• ^4
""Nowhere!" I snapped.., ' • •• -.f^
^tert, I don't like smart answers.'*''*.!!!
I stopped and decided I'd do like Maloe<|
her small with my mean glare—instead*
amazement she wore a skimpy blue bt
didn't meet the top of her white shorts^
bellybutton. She was showing bare 8i
connected to bare skin. In the Bible tl
commanded Adam and Eve to put on cloti
Aeir wicked flesh. Was my momma just as
wicked Corrine who had run off with her'
"Bart, don't stare like you don't know
Into my mind popped one of thelines ft
John Amos was always quoting. Bit I
learning what God expected from fti
^^Be warned. Momma, the Lord will see when
B^and He will punish,"
^Haa almost jumped. Then she swallowed and in
m^ce asked, "Why did you say that?"
^Blither tremble, I thought. I turned my head to
^^aUtbe naked statues in this evil garden of sin.
f| naked people made Malcolm-rest uneasy in his

I loved her; she was my mother; sometimes she
|nd kissed me goodnight and stayed to hear my
1 Before Cindy came she was better and spent
Jmie with me. And she didn't appear to be in love
^^paramour."
|ft't know what to do. "Sfeepy, Momma," I said
1en drifted away, feeling at odds with myself and
It of the world. What if what Malcolm wrote, and
^Amos quoted, was true? Was she evil and sinful,
H men to be like animals? Was it bad to be like
||ls? Apple wasn't bad, or sinful. Not even Clover
paid he didn't like me.
jHde Jory's room I paused before his thirty-gaBon
|rium. The air made a steady stream of tiny bubbles
|fc»urbled to the surface like the champagne Momma
|et me sip once;
Jstty fish wouldn't live in my tank. Fish in Jbry's
| never died. My empty tank held nothing but
|r, and a toy pirate ship spilled out fake jewels on
fake ocean floor. Jbry's tank grew seaweed that
Sed hi and out of a small castle. His fish darted in
out of coral reefa.
nry did everything better than me. I didn't like
gBart anymore. Bart had to stay home and forget
it Disneyland now that he had responsibilities.,
pet could be a heavy, heavy burden.
ell on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. Malcolm
't need his power and strength anymore, or his
ir brain that was smart too. He was dead and his
talents wete,/wasted^Nobody,ever^
anything he didn't want to after he gj
want to be atopy anymore Wanted ^
Malcolm the powerful, the financial we
Wasgpnna make people Jump whei^
bte when I looked. Cower when I move
coming, Felt it. . ^

Slwlws

"Jory," ssad Mom as we, picfced ugs
headeAfor her car, "I can't undeistan||
ing to Bart this summer. He's not the,^g
do you think he does outside alone all
I feirt.un<»»nfortable. I wanted to pr«»|
him haye-3|l|e old, lady next door for||
couldn't teu Mom that woman wa&.|
Etart's grandmother. "Don't you »8QB
Mem," 1,assured her. "you justteeB
with Ctody. She's sure a cute kid, ufce
been.".,,.,,.',', ,,,'", ., ,.;:/'',:.
She smiled and kissed my cheek,. "If
deceiving me, there's another cute k
too."- : ., ,,.., ...,-.,' ;,'..^
I felt a bhish heat up my cheeks. I de
look at Melodie Richanne. She was so d
hair that was a deeper shade of blonde t]
blue eyes that wens just as .soft andshi
I'd never low any gtrl who didn't have
then Melodic -showed ap -unning tQ h
?.. ' '. ' '..
tee stare at the way she was turning into a
ISosh, it was miraculous the way ffatchestecf
I showed up one day with bosoms, tiny waists
Sag hips, and suddenly they were ten times
cresting.

anute we hit home Mom had me hunting up
^be's over in that other yard, you tell me. I
uit you children bothering an old recluse,
wish to heaven she'd stop climbing that ladder
Bg at me over the wall." : -
ing, jumping, calling, I searched until I found
ie old barn that had once-been what was called
times "a carriage house." Now it had empty
ere horses used to live, and 'Bast was in one,
rake to pull out the dirty hay. I stared,
ing my eyes. With him was a St. Bernard
he dog was almost as big as he was. It was easy
o tell it was only a puppy, for it had kiddish
licking and; making puppy noises.
irew downAus rake and scolded the dog. "You
tping around like that, Apple' Ponies don't
rthing but hurdfes-'-now you eat that hay or I
'e you clean hay tomorrow."
. . . " I called softly, leaning against the barn
smiling to see him jump. "Dogs don't eat

e flamed. "You go 'way! You get out of here!
t belong!" ^
erdbyou."
set out of here," he sobbed, hurling down his
pulling the huge puppy into his arms. "This is
tie was supposed to have been a pony--soTm
im both a puppy and a pony. Don't 'you laugh
^ I'm crazy." - "" -.'' 'b-" ;:- ;
't think you're crazy," I airild, a lump m my
throat to see him so upset. It reallyl»|
more affinity for animals than be dj<^
know he'd step on their tailsor.tnpsil
even I wasn't (00 comfortable lyuiig|f|
Bart was around. 1;
"Who gave you the puppy?" ^
"My grandmother," Bart said. witll
his eyes. "She loves me, Jory, reall)
than Monnn» does. Andshe loves a^
ole Madame Marisha loves yout" ^s
That was rife trouble with Bart. Ne|
close to him than he slapped me ia bb^
re^et rd ever let him under my sl£%
Ididn't pat the beautifal puppy ©ai
W



^^ber hurled himself down into a kitchen chair
B^t toppled over backward from die force.
^^ked his way and frowned, "Go wash your
B^i^e' ^&Tt Winslow, if you expect to eat at

Eour table," he grouched as he headed for the
If; He pulled his dirty hands along the walls to
Kg smudges.
EWee your filthy hands off the waBsi" called

l|ier walls," he mumbled. It took him forever'to
[^hands, and when he was back only his palms
pin .'He stared with disgust at the soup and
llfes Emma had prepared.
j||p, Bart, or you'll fade away to nothing," said

|ndy I was on my second sandwich, my second
|if homemade vegetable soup, and ready foe
Fwhue/Bart still nibbled pn hatfof his sandwich,
||as/yet untouched.
Hat7 do you think of your new sister?" asked
I, wiping Cindy's messy mouth, taking off the
gEnb. "Isn't she a living doll?"
|h, she's sure cute," I agreed.
Idy's not our sister!" flared Bart. "She's just
tt messy little baby that nobody but our mother
?want!" , . ,," ^ . ^'' ,',', ,.- ,- .. ..;
llholomew Winslow ... don't you ever let me
ou talk like that again." Emma gave him a long,
Bang look. "Cindy is a lovelychild who resem"
i0ur mother so much she could be her own
ter."' ,. .., , . :
t continued to scowl at Cindy,,at me, at Emma,
t the wall. "Hate blonde hair and red lips that are
1 the time," he mumbled under his breath before
ck out his tongue at Cindy, who laughed and
ay
patty-caked. "K jkiomma (Bd&»tl
much, curling her hair and buyii
she'd be ugly." ;
"Cindy will never be ugly,"-dea$(
the little girl with admiration. Then
the child's pretty small face., ; ^
T^it loss drew anQther of Bart'isil
I sat there, up-tight, frightene^|||
woke up knowing rd have to :aiee^||
growing more and more strange. Ami
loved my parents, and darn ill wasn't t
Cindy too.. .Somehow I knew I ha|K||
one--but froin what I didn't know^f
guess.

Cbac^ellog CN^

Drat Jory and Enuna, I was
through the hot Arizona desert.
Appleto love wxs asFwellas my gra
in a sorry state. Therestood my lady l|i||
amis wide open to Welcome me aad ^
hugged much more than Cindy ever «1|
She served me a bowl of soup.1 It wa||
caeeseon top.^*Wiy ean'tlteffmypaii^
like you, and how much you love me? Tha
seat." 1 didat teB her I thocgnl^she^
own true grandmother, but only said that
la a way that made her teve better, fe#4
love each other, Stiahgei's didn't. 31s
m .1 1 1 "I' '1^
^Iti the middle of one of her tables she put a
^Hib truck before she answered my question.
^^^enied so sad, and in a way scared, when a
H^BO she'd seemed happy enough.
^Inarents hate me now, Bart," she whispered
^Uptease don't tell them anything about me.

Bi« widened. "Did you know them once?"
^fakmg, long time ago, when they were very

ll'What did you do to make them hate you?"
fie hated me, almost, so I wasn't surprised
^ might hate her. . - ,
Kand reached for mine. "Bart, sometimeseven
^lake mistakes. I made a terrible mistake that
|png for dearly. Every night I, pray for God 10
^B^;IprayformyehadrcDtoii^rgtvetBe.Innd
vfSf.when ,1 look in the mhTor, so^'teKle nay face
|||ryself, from others, and sit inuncomfortable
Urso I'll never forget for one second all toe harm I
jiBiose I loved most." ^ ;
pere did your children go?" . - ?
|Hre you forgotten?" she sobbed, teaEtste her eyes
IsThey ran away froiri-me. Bart^ that hurts so
|Don't you ever run awayiswa yeta' pareats"
Sh, hadn't intended to ran. Worid out there was
^S.Too scary. Safe, had to stay where if was safe. I
j» embrace her, then tffimed to play with my
!*-and that's when John Amos limped intso the
, his watery eyes angry, "Nactarile* Yoo-do not
Bp strength in young children by indulging their
^whim. YbushoiuhtknowthBtbynow." ^
>hn," she said haughtily, "don't you everwoe hi
aom again without^ I^Kldng--^tay inyear place."
igh. My grandmother was tough. I smiled at John
>, who backed away, mumbling under his breath
: how she wasn't giving him any place, or not the
Tales of BvSX

I gobbled-down my bacon, scrambled eggs with sour
cream and chives, andfeajthird slK» of toast as Bart ;
nibbled on and on as ff .he didn't have any teeth at all.
His toast grewcold-"baiting for Bart to sip orange
juice as if it were poison. An old man on his deathbed
could have had flMW^jxttite. w |
Heshot a hos^te^ncy my way before he fixed his ?;
eyes on Mom. I was jolted. I.knew he loved her--how
could he took like that? j
Something weird was going on in Bart's head. Where ;
was the shy, introverted little brother I used to have? ;
Gradually he was changing into an aggressive, suspi- ^
cious, cruel boy. Now he was staring at Dad as if he'd ;
done something wrong--but it was Mom who drew .
most of his scathing looks. '
Didn't he know we had the best mother alive? I ^
wanted to shout this out, make him go back to the way
he used to be, mumbling to himself as he stumbled |
around hunting big game, fighting wars, riding herd on
cattle. Where had all his love and admiration for Mom
gone? Soon as I had the chance I backed Bart up
against the ^acden wall. "What the heck is wrong wittc |
you, Bart? Why do you look at Mom so mean?" J
"Don't IUee her ap more." He crouched over, put out J
his arms horizontally and turned himself into a human
airplane. That was nopmrf<-?fi»8arti "€aear/the;w»y!tN
W , '. ..-. ". .' ^ "I ' ' ^l
he ordered. "Make way for the jet taking off for
faraway plac<as!-^t*s kangeroo shootin time in Austral-
ial" . ,„.; . .- - , , -, . ^,.-"-
"Bart Sheffield, why do you always want to kit!
something?" , . . - , - -, ^ ^..; -;,; ' .. :. .,. ','
His wings fluttered; his plane stalled; his engine died
and he was staring at me in confusion. The sweet child
he'd been at the beginning of summer came fleeting to
his dark brown eyes. "Not goona kill real kangeroos.
Just gonna capture one of thoseitty-bitty ones and pot
it to my pocket and rWSHt for it to.growbig.",
J&umb, Durobi "First ofaU.youdon^haveapoti^et
with a nipple for the baby to suck." I sat him down hard
on a bench. "Bart, it's tjime you and X had a man'-tomantalk. What's i^bUngjWi^ fellay'
'^n a big bright house settingon a.hi^hiigb i^Q,
while the night was on sod the snow caine down, thi?;
flames of red and yellow shot up higher, higher!
Snowflakes turned pink. And in that big old house was
an old-old lady who couldift wajk awl couldn't ta&and,
my ieal daddy whpwasaaatorn^rantosa^ fier. ,'H&
coaNhtt--'axtd hi? burrted!--burned!--turned!" ^
" 'Spooky.'tSii^'l'pifi^
full^"y6uknow1tlia*isn^^
Wiy Kad I put it liSse'^at^ 'Bart'had ^n'lorfl^only1 a
fewyealrsneft^ 'Daddy'Pau('^Iied.''lib^
A!most^I:'<aMiM-ireHiettlber 'my '^heugtil^teicl^^ffiei^
coultf''asfc'^femi&,:iblrt :^H:8i|^lttwttl^f;;:lto:„
titi»Bylel'ne^, m©»e^so'li?^'^a^1!l§^w^^^
"Bart^'yeuyrea^daddy diedr^irhMte hfewa^'isl?^orfi^(te::
fil^'iif'eraiNftieadirig'ttte^s^i^
fae. He-l&aal^att^Wottble^tN^'ilea ^^'coiroaa^- thrombosis. I]^^lQia.tts^:ite;''teineiabeiiy^";';1^ 1, -
^^'NtRatehtid'ht^iteiQW^
dila^,^efeffie^xaj|eAw^h« tetnbte;.te»per: "Eton't ^
mean (fair daddy! Talking about my real da^t "^Ng- scrcpgtepwyertfaKtdlywBo'.newr^
"Bart, who told you that lie?""^; ^
"Burning!" he screamed, whirling around like a man
blinded by smoke as he tried to fiaixi fcasway outside.
"MmAmos told me how it was. Atttaie world was on
fire, one Christmas night when the tree burned up,
People screamed, raa, stepped ontteones who fell
down!--and the biggest, grandest house of them all
sBaiedmytruefa^ersoBea^,diedyffi
Boy,^Td heard enough. I was going straight into the
house and teB ai^parentg; '"Bart, you hear this. Uatess
you stop going next door and listening to lies and crazy
stones^I^teHSngMtMitf^aatfOs^
flext-'dobr."""'1";"^-'1 '"y^ -'^ ."'-"} i"'""'^i'' '11'^ :' ""i"
JHenatfhIs^ey^'sipnBtedSh^
scene scorched ori n^ brafa^He seeBiedTto be looking
Ittwiaffdas nedescra^edlfewa^^ 'flieahifr
dark eyes lEtew^ide^en. Was ttook was wfld and crazy.
"Mind your own damn business, Jory Marquet, if you
don't warit'youiR^'IB^fai^^^^pick^upa^d^ ,
baseball (rat, then jEooS a^ wiiid smng that might have
splattered ^bimnslf^tei^^ducke^
and GraBdniothet^^rB^ youwhu^yoiijsteep" He ';
jsatit,i|t'1fl^^c<^;:a^ ^
'; .Swa^taw^l^sft^^
I/scared.o^.hHR^i^fo.;,;]^^ .he; -j
suddenly lost his bravado and beganto gasp and clutch .
^,h)S,heart.,]|ismU^,l|||^c^J|B^8ecB^^
-baclang;^^^.j^yy^s^e^^ "ab-.xi^,,'!
^ait," I.^a»4,<5Q^fc^^i^|SgB^^^
j|B(.^Efcl»^,dpo^
^lieoife.wl^^aBil^^s^^ga^^ ^1 .i^l
''jffia^ote-maft.i^illli^^ <A»»d0teds H^ 1^|
gaped apfirt..Iie j(taa8y(^a^>teadin^^^l^ |
Qtnasy 'heel^4^j-rt^^Bte;.9ewei;-A»ldBg^he'd'.^ |
. anything. Whami DewsdBat ^m niy face I feU with a
weight on my -bacfc4te«»Aad taofatod .iae. .fictee il
-A'1:' ^ . . .4^1^ 11' '
change, he began to pummel my face with his fists.
"You won't took so pretty when I finish." I warded
- him off as best I could before 1 aatveed te wa§
delivering his blows with his eyes squeezed shut,
punching blindly, childishly, sobbing as he did. AnSil i
swear, as muchas I wanted to I couldn't punch out my
iadbrdt6er. '} i; " '^''.'' '^"'"^
""(^yahscsu^^huh?" Hepulfedbadchis upper^
and snarled, looking pleased with himself. "Guess ^an
know now who's boSs, huh? Ain't got neariythe:gptsr
you thought you had, do yAhf" ,':^^„.';,'T^ '"^^
I shoved him hard. He fell backward, but darn if. It
could fight a baby like hun, who was strong only When
he wasangry. "Ypm Deed a good spanking, Bart
Sheffield and I riug&t be just tj6eoinetogiveittoy^
The next tane ypn pull any stunt on tos. think ftrtep--or
you might be the one left without gsis," ;, ; ;,, ,
"Ifer not my brother," , sobbed^ anthel^go^
out of huB.. "You're only a haff brother, and -tihaatt's a|S.
good,,as1 yoae.f',He^^dtKAed,;p^B .his'owB. ^a^3>|io>as:;:and»,
gvouod Mss. fists .into Us ,eye^as1 ^ .waile^|(ffl^sB.-''1^1.,,-
' ,:»"^^,seet'jIl|^,eW;wcffi^^
yot^il^a^iaoa^^ith^
the belfry. She's turning you against your own fanaly--
aad Vwssws tQ1^1 i»r e»^ly:A«i,% ^'^ii^^r,^^
'. '<Dcl^yG?4a^^He:^hria^,^^^^:i^^
r&ses back. "1'U do something terrffiae. ^wiW IsweofSi
wiUlfff^oiigffiyoi^a fop.semr^:,;;. .* :.- '^ y-^-.i-. ."'' ;
^Myaaale wa»wry< ''Ifou^i^ii^e^fcgol!^
ine-'-so^cy?^-1'^;"-^^^''::-'' -'ii-^ *:i-& ^..-- ..^^y u «:-y w
^ kaow^ha» ypa want," ;ne said, al^CKiW^Bga^;
"You want Saypuppy-pony. But he vwa't Was y@tt, he'
wonW Yoa^wact m^j^iadaother (& lo^ y^imdre,
but sfie a««»W Yoa w«b( to^tafa? *veil^WB^>teMfe
riie,-b^|^ftB^w^, :,-L.,;^..-.a^^h
now I Have in rooms lull of mirrors, but I cover my face
so I can't see too much. I keep my rooms dim as I Go
longer admire the face 1 used to adore.
"Then take down the min-eis."
"How easy you make it. But you are young. The
young always think everything is easy. I dont want to
take down the mirrors.1 want them there to remind me
constantly of what I've done. The closed windows, the
stuffy atmosphere are my punishments, not yours. If
you want, Jbry," she went on as Isat silently, "open the
windows, spread the shutters; let in the sunlight and I
will take offsayveils aad let youlook, at the face I Made
from4-t»at ybtt won't find itpleasant. My beauty is
gone, but it is a small loss compared to everything else
that has come and gone, all the things I should have
held onto valiantly." .. :.<.'..;' '- , ^:/': ; ':'..- }-
"VaHantfy?" I asked. That was a word aot too
familiar to me in any meanin^Eutway,jset a word
suggesting Di-avery.:-^'^ .;1-1.-^ ".;'^...";' -. -'1^',-';--1"; "Yes,
.fory, vanaatly I should^ have protected what
was mine. Iwasalltheyhad,aaiitiliet them down. 1
thought I was, ri^it, they. were wrong? I convinced
myself each day i was right. I resisted their pitiful pleas,
and even worse, at the time I didn't eves think they
were pitiful. I told niysetf I 'was doing^ffl I coaM
because 1 brought them everything. Tney-gtew to
distrust me, dislike me, and that hurt, hurt more than
any pain I*ve ever felt. I hate myself for being weak, so
cowardly, so foolishly intimidatedwhen I should have
stood my ground an4 (ought back. I should have
tliongafeonly^of theBi «Btd faa^attett wbBt I wanted for
myself."My only excuse is;thatf^«fiafs young then,?;aBd
the young are selfish, even when it comes to their own
children. I thought my needs were greater than theirs. I
tBOu^^iefrtimewouia^icoriwa^^t^^
have their way. I felt it was my last chance at happiness.
I had to grab for it quick, before middle age made me
W ' :. '"'. ' ', ' '
unattractive, and there was a younger man I loved. I
couldo'tteH him about them. "I
Them? Who was she talking about?
"Who?" I asked weakly, for someseason wishing she
wouldn't teB me anything--dr at least not too much.
"My children, Jbry. .My four children, fathered by
my fust husband, whom I married when; I was only
eighteen. He was forbidden to me, and yet 1 wanted
him..1thought I never would find a man more
wonderful.... and yet I did find one just as wonderful^.,^ ,->-:: w;1,,-^-.':-^-; ,„,:;.-,.."' ' ,^ .;,.-
; ^hdiiEint want to hear her.story. Butshe pleaded for
me to stay. Isat on the edge of one of her fine chairs.
"So," she continued, "I put my fear out in front,
allowed my love for a man to blind me to their needs,
and I ignored what they wanted--their freedom--and
now, as the result, I cry-inysetf to .sleep every ni^it."
ic What could I say? I didn't understand what she was
talking about. I reasoned she must be crazy, and no
wonder Bart was acting just as nutty. She leaned
forwairitopeeratmemoreclosety; ^ . :
"You are an exceptionally handsome boy. I suppose
you. know that already." ,
I nodded. All my life I'd heard remarks about my
good looks, my talent, my charm. But talent was what
counted, not looks. In my opinion looks without talent
were useless. I knew, too;,: that beauty faded with the
parsing years, but stullloved beauty. ? '; ^
Looking around, I saw this woman loved beauty as
much as I did, and yet, . . "What a pity she sits in the
dark and refuses to enjoy all that's been done to make
this place beautiful," I murmured without thought. She
heard and replied tonelessty, tvTbe better to punish
myself." ->,1..;-- - , ,- ' ,--.. ^ - ^- ' ..-"':1, -1- '11'.
I didn't reply, oriy sat on in the chair whSe she
rambled on and on about her life as a poor little rich girl
who made the'mistake of falling in love with her half
It was an oil painting the men unwrapped.
There stood my beautiful mother ia a formal white
gown, pausing on the next to the bottom step with her
slender hand resting on a magnificent newel post.
Trailing behind her lay yards and yards 01 the shimmering
white fabric. The curving stairs behind her rose
gracefully and faded into swirling mists through which
the artist had cleverly managed to give the impression
of gald and glittering jewels, hinting at a palace-like
mansion. '
"Do you know whose portrait that is?" she aslsed
when the men had hung it in place in one of the parlors
sbfrdidn^tseem to use often;t nodded, dumbfounded
andspeechless. '- ^"'l .' I ' : ?'^{ / What
was She ctOmg wUft my mother's portrait^
She waited tor the two men to go. 'nicy smiled,
thriHed with^ the tip she gave them. I Was panting,
hearing my heavy breathing and wondering why I felt
sortof numb; ^Jbry," she said sbffly, iturBnig again to
me, "that's a portrait of me that my second husband
commissioned shortly after we were married. I was
thirty-seven when I posedior that," -
JEnthe portrait the woman looked just Tike my mother
looked today. Iswaltowed and wanted to run, suddenly
needingthe bathroom b&dBy, but still I wanted tostay. I
wanted to bear her explain, even though I was para- !|
lyze^l with the fear of what she BughUteffme. |
"SAy Second husband, whowa&ypun|^,w^ |
Barthofo;niew Winskw, JQry,"sbe sauil quickly, as »fto |
make sine I heard before 1 got up and ran. "Later on, ||
when my daughter was old enough, she seduced him,
stole his love away from me, just so she could hurt me
with the cNid she gave binL Tines child I couldn't have,
Can you guess who that child is, can you?"
I jumped up and backed away. Holding out my hands
to ward off any more information I didn't want to hear.
m :' , ;"" '- -- .
"Jory, J&ry,Atty,^ she chanted, NIont you remember
me at all? Think baisk to when you lived in flie
mountains of Virginia. Think of that little post office,
and the rich lady in the far coat; yob were about three
then. You sawri»e andsmiling, you came to stroke my
C9at;'andyou told me twas pretty--remember?"
"Not" I^rfed more stoutfy than I fett."Ihaveiffever
seen you before in my life, not until you moved here!
/SLnd all blondes with blueeyes took somewhat alike!"
"Yes," she Said hrofcerily, "I ai^ose you're r^ght. 1
just fought it would be amusing to see your expression;
I shouldn't have played a trick on you; I'm sorry,
Jory. Rtt^ve me,*' ^;1 / "^ '' ^'"./',1 '"'" '/ ; '}. .
I couldn't look at those blue, blue eyes; I had to; get
'away.;.; '-' ,; .-;; '' '".;.' . ';; ;. ,.'. ' .
I felt miserable as I slowly trudged home. If only I
hadn't stayed. If only the portrsuithadn't been delivered
wha® I was there. ;Why.did illtoye fo sense jthat Aat
woman was more »threat tomy mother than my
stepfajaier? ^^^^^h^
Mom, whff. stole her second husband's IfiyeT ^as it?
Didn't it make good sense when Bart had the same
name as Nm? Bverythittg she'd said confa-med the
suspicions that had been sleepingin my mind for so
many years. Dpors we^ opening^; letting ;»^fte^
memories that almost seemed like enemies. . ; > ;
I climbed the stairs of the veranda Mom jokingly
called "Paul's kind of southern i^randa." Certainly it
wa»*^^he'lcastMaary^Osttifol^,,patk>.'4-ll.' 1 11 ^^t.' ;:^:!
There was something different about the F>atio today.
If JL^dt^^lbeea es& troubled, perhaps I would imiw
spotted umned^ely what was mi^mg, Aylt was, if
took me mtoates te^teaSaK Ctever wasn't there. I
looked around,distressed, calling him.
"fw heawit'ssah^Jh^^ca^id^
kitchen window, ''doafyelf se loud. I just put -fSt«Syf
- . m
down for a nap and you'lliwalfieJier up. I saw Clover a
few minutes ago heading into the garden, chasing a
butterfly.", . ' : . 'i.;:',:_ -,; :- , .: . - - :Of
course. I felt relieved.. If one thing brought out.
the puppy in my old poodte, it wasa ffuttery yellow
butterfly. I joined Emma in the kitchen and asked,
"Bmma, Tve been wanting to asjk for a long time, what
year.did Norn marry Dr. Paui?^
She was leaning over, checking inside the refrigerator,
gruBibling to herself. "I could swear there was
some fri6d chicken tn here, left over from last night.
Sincewe're having Byer and onions tonight I saved
what was left of the chicken for Bart. I thought your
finicky brother could eat the leftover thighs."
"Don't you remember (he year they were married?"
"You were just a little one then," she said, stiff
rummaging through covered dishes,
Enima was always vague about dates. She couldn't
remember her own birthday. Maybe deuberately, *TeilI
me again how my mother met Dr. Paul's younger
brother ... you know, the stepfather we have now."
"Yes, I remember <Chris,4ie was so handsome, tall
and tan; Bitt not one whnJbefterk»kmg than Dr. Paul
was ? las own way . . ^a Woadei-rul man, your stepfather Paul. So kind^ so sbftsitoieeo.^
"If s funny tefom <Bdn't allfmayounger brother
instead of an Older one--don't you ttank WscxW
S^ straightened and put a hand t@ her bade,^ which
she said hurt all the time. Nextshe wiped her hands on
her spotless whiti&'apEoa.-'^ia^ hope youx: pareats
aren't late tonight; New ^youf'ilatt and BUBt' up Bart
before it's too late fot, him to take a bath. I hate for
yburiBK»thertoiSe«himsofiltl^^ , h' ;:
"Emma,;yotthaveat answered myquestions."
Ttening her 1?ack sh^ began to chop greea bell-
peppeiSf "iwy, whseiyou 'wwi. answers, you go to your
parents and ask. Don't come to me. You may think of
me as a family member but I know my place is that of a
friend. So run along and let me finish dinner.?'
"Please, Emma, not just formy sake, but Bait's too.
Fveigot to dp something tostraighten out Bart, and
howcanIi»AeiiId(»'thaveaUtfaefacts?" .^
"Jory," she said, giving me a warm^smue, "jusfbe
happy you have two such wonderful parents. You and
Bart are very lucky boys. I, hope Qndy growsup to
realize how blessed she was the day your mother
decided she had to have a daughter."
Outside the day was growing old. Search as I would I
couldn't find Clover. I sat on the back steps and stared
unhappily at thesky turning rosy with bright streaks of
orange and yiiolet, I felt overwhelmingly sad and
burdened, wishing all this mystery and confusion would
go away. Clover, where was Clover? I never biew unlit
this moment how very much he added to my Bfe, how
much I'd bbss him if he was gone for good. Please don't
let hirit be gone for good. God, please.
One moretiine I looked around our yard, then
decided I'd better go in the house and caB ^the
newspapers, Pd offer a rewardfta' 'S missuig dog'--such
a big reward somebody would bring Clover back.
"CloverriyeHed.^chow^
Mytafl brought Bartstuiribungout of the hed;ges,Tns
clothes torn and filthy. His dark eyes were strangely
haunted. "Why yah yeffin?" ^ r
"Ican't findClover," I answered, "aad yott know ne
never goes anywhere. He's a home dog; Trewl^lBe
other day about people who steal dogs andselt them to
science labs for experimentation. Bart, I'd want to die
if somebody did something so 'swM ^o 'Qofer;^ ^ 'Ni?
He stared at me, stricken looking. "'Ilieywouian^do
that .^'wwddQusy''' . ...^-v^ ^
"Bart, Fve got to and ^Clover, H he doesat tome
backsoon, I'll feel sick, realty su^.eoough:^ daftf
Suppose^ne's .been r»a;etvet?",.-.;',.- ^:^/'.1-; .i..^^:^ -... ^1:;;''.,''',
11 MW,1
Iwatched my biotfcerswaflew, then begin to tremble.
"WhafswrongW
"Shot me a wolfback there, I did. Shot me a big bad
wolf right through tus mean red eye. He came at me
lickin his chops, but I was smarter and moved quick'
arid shot him dead."
"Oh, come off it, Bart!" I said impatiently, really
gettingirritated with somebody who could never tell
the truth. "There aren't any wolves in this area,and
you know it."

Until midnight I searched aH around our neighborhood,
calling-for Clover. Tears kept clogging my voice,
my eyes. I had the strongest premoaition that Clover
would never come home again. '
".tory," said Dad, who'd been helping me hunt,
"let's hit the sack and look again in the morning if he
doesn't oome home by himself. And don't you lie in
your bed and worry. Clover may be'an old dog, but
even the elderly can feel romantic oq a moonlit night."
~ Aw, heck. That didn't mabe much sense. Clover had
stopped chasing female dogs a long time ago. Now all
he wanted was a place to He where Bart wasn't likely to
stumble over him or step on his tail.
"You go to bed. Dad, and tet me look. I don't have
to be in ballet class until ten,so I don't need my sleep as
mach,as,yoiido»"^.,..f ,-. .,-,:,-.,.'., ,,-} .,^,:1'
He. brieflyembracad me, wished me luck, and
headed for his room. Aa htHpslater, I decided it was
fruitless eSoft. Clover was dead. That?s ^he only thing
that would keep Runaway. .;-,;.' 1 ....':--'
I decided I had to tell my parents what I suspected.
I stood beside.them'.bed looking down at them.
Moonlight streamed through the windows and fell over
their bodies. Mom was half-turned on her side so she
could cuddle up close to Dad, who was on his back. Her
head was on his bare chest, while his left arm encircled
her so his hand lay on her hip. The coveis werepulled
up just high enough to shield their nudity, which made
me back away, feeling very guilty. I shouldn't be here.
Sleep made them look vulnerable, younger, moving H»
but giving me a deepsense of shame too. I wondered
why I felt ashamed. Dad had taught me the facts ofUfe
a long time ago, so I knew what men and women did
together to make baNes--or just for fun.
t sobbed and turmed to go;
"CteTC?, is that you?" asked my mother, half-asleep
and relurigoverbn herbaek.
"I'm here, darling. 06 back to sleep," he mumbled
sleepily. ''TOe grandmother can't gei us Oow."
I froze, Startled. They both sounded uhe chudrett.
And agai& that grandmotfKsr.^ ' ^ ; '
"Tm scared, Chris, so afraid. If they ever flnd out,
whatwiUwesay?H6we^weexpla^ ;: A
"Sssh," came his whisper, "life will be good to Us
from now on. Hold fast to your fiuthin God. We have ,
both been punishe<l enough; He won't, jpuni^i us.
mafia." '"' '""'.'','} '", " }'". '^':'''.^'''i/.i}t'^^/.^..
Ruo,ruh,haditoruh^asttp^m^
down. I felt hollowinside, emptiness all aroundinstead
of the confidence and ,,lov&I '.ttS^;to,jEe^[''tex^, ^l%ger
was gone.J^^<fcar^iUttl|e^,bann^ .never
(tone eyeri Qoe l>^thHig.AndJ^r^h^;ih^^

WOlf."'" "": ' "' .'" . /" . ", .l'.l'.,.,.l;/-.'..^y,„.^^.,.,:.
What would Bart dp next? Did he know what I dM?
Was that why he was behaving so steangely? Itoning his
mean glare on Mom like he wanted to hurt her. Tears
rose m my eyes again, for memory couldn't be denied
forever. I knew now that Bart wasaotthe son of 0^.
Paul. Bart was the soft of that old lady's second
husband with the same name as my half brother---that
{ ' ' ' ' ' ^ ' . ':»Mt,:
tall, lean man who sometimes haunted my dreams
along with Dr. Paul and my own real father, whomTd
seen only m photographs.
Our parents had Hed to botbotus. Why hadn't they
told us the truth? Was the truth so ugly they couldn't
teU us? Did they have such little faith in our love for
them? , ,, .. ' . .. . ,. , .- -.. ... , Oh,
God, their secret must be something so dreadful
we could never forgive them!.
And Bart, he could be dangerous. I knew he could
be. Day by day it was beginning to show more and
more. In tfae morning I wanted toxun up to Mom or to
Dad and tell them. But when morning came I couldn't
say anything. Now I knew why Dad insisted that we
learn one new word each day. It took special words to
put across subtle ideas, and as yet I wasn't as educated
as I needed to be to express my troubled thoughts that
wanted to reassure them. And how could I reassure
them when Bart was before me, his dark eyes hard and
mpan? , , -.^ '.-- '..' , "I ,.', .{ ^, .
Qfc,, GOfi, .if you're up there somewhere, looking
down, hear my prayer. Let my parents have the peace
they need So they don't have to dream of evil grandmothers
at night. Right or wrong, whatever they've done, I
Knowttiey've done the best theycoutS.
'^'WKy-4^t^pu^ ^tarethat? '.;'}'.-';." '/ .,'' "':^.':
^ Safe was a word thatbo longer had substance, Dke
dead people who were only shadows in my memory,
niothin^ as concrete as Barf s hate, which was growing
larger day by day..
JutR Mymontn. ''Conceived in fire, born in heat^sind
John Amos wnenltold him it would s<x»fr be tnyfcflth
birthday. Didn't know what he meant and^diffa'Peare
either. Disneyland would see me in a few days.
Hip-hip-hooray1 tH-at Jbry ftw HOt^ looKiBg happy,
spoiling my fun with his long, sad face just because
some silly little ole dog wouldn't come home when he
caSled.^w-^'"- } .--.i^i-, ..^^ .';.' 1 :-1;.:/^ -,- '.;;::.--'
I was making plans that WSuSS see Apple ithroi^i
until I could steal back to him after seeing Disneyland.
John Amos grabbed me when I went over and hauled
roe Up tO his ip6®B» wet the garagiK I lookedaround,
thinking it smelled sour, old, like medicine. ; "I; v
'TSaft, joa sit down in that chair and lead aloud to
me' from Malcolm's journal. 'I^We^Laitf'wtfpanNi
you if you say you're reading his book when yoa ar^
not^ ^:^.?^^1:^.^., ^.^s,a.;a- -_^^
Idiaa't aeed Jtohiir'Amo^a&'nMu^itel use(1^6,^b |
loofeetf at lum- wMt S(sarB.-^^fc ^Ber; Naff » sdarfa
Malcolm wouldshow for a bent and lame old man who
couhfaftspeak without hissing, whistling or spitting.
Bufc I sat^and I read frbni Malcolm's red-leather
Journal. ^

My youth bad been squandered in earthy
pleasures, and as I approached thirty I reafeied
i»4iatwwflBH9^»«y4fcwwaiNHpOseother
' ' ^ . I I .'law
'.they seemed ^Q.ple^,ltl»..-l^ll^;''^,^^ht^ ^ .;
more pleasurable to me than to see sonBiB Nudity ^
beautiful woman, humbled and made to do
obscene things that went against the rules of i
decency. I took pleasure in beating them, putting
red welts on their fair unbroken skins. I saw -y|
blood, their btood^ aad itmademeeaaated. That's
.;,,whea I teaeiB^ needed God. I had ten save my
^everias|ing^sot^Eicom-NU^'i^'^ .'..-^ -~ ^ii'

I looked up, tired of trying 19 figure out all those long
words that dida^ mean much tome,,' , ;;,
."Do you see what Malcolm is telling you, boy? He's
telling you no matter how much you hate women, still
there is pleasure to be had from them--but at a cost,
&oy,at a dear, dear cost. Unfortunately God built into
mankind sensual desires"--you .must try to smother
yours as youapproach manhood. Plant it in your mind
so deep it caa neyet;be lemoyed; womeovriB be your
de^triM^BiBtheend.ri^
a^..|6Bpfe^^^.^ser3puM..when,I,co^i.^ fat;
raore",, ;^,-1'-. ^^,;,^',^^1;,:^1.,:, ,; '.^ ^:.:.'11;. ;>^
I got up and walked away, sick of John Amos. I was
going to my grandmother, who loved me more than
Q<?de^wou|ki^M^
loii»e<^|Eae &»',mysel^;.SBiet^@ed^.me ,s% much she even;
. omde^up' .j^^B^^i^^^eU.jn^.^^wa^
ttBl^,,graBd^l^^a?F,;i<idll®y,|l,^a»6^, that;, just-.^ouHcrtbe':sei.,
' . . ' ' 'i,;;-:,,

S?!tW(^v(^t^best
staye4fti^^aBd,»Bsade»N^
'Wfc';11 . -'.'' 1- ' 1/^?^.'': ''.
tflls|
sto^p^ieftaa^i^Mie'a ^tienietoiBessnipaa
my plaw. Had tbts ofpftas to fill my time. Take care of,
Appte.'Silon my grandmother's lap and let her sing to
me. Why, mornings could pass quieter than a wink
with att I Bad to do. '
John Ambs gave me more lessons on how to be She
Malcolm, And dam if it wasn't working. I was feeling
his power growingdigger and stronger'. :
That afternoon Cindy was in ft brand new plastic
swimming pool. The old one wasn't good enough for
her," Bratty Bd had to have everyflA^ aew^fwetf^i
bathing suit mih red and white stripeft and iBBft^t®!
straps that tied over her shoulders to keepthe thing up.
Little bows^she ^was trying to itadote- '"^^y^' '.»f.t;A^
Jory jum>edvfi sad^rushed Into taste noose^lar
his caBaera, then ran oaclE to iakeeindy'spictttlei
Snap, snap, snap. He tossed the camera to Momma,
who «aught it. 'Take Bay picture with Ondy," ^he
said.^ ::- ''''.:. -:...::. :;^..; "'-^ "';- -;- a.',;..-:'
Sure, she w^ happy to tate to picture^thCSBdy.
Didn't bother to ask about me. Maybe once too often
I'd made a^face^dttclE^t my head, or stuck out niy
tongue^ Everyone was "always saying Bart sure'da
know how to ruina-perfoeay good shot. .a .
Dratted bushes were all around me, scratching my
legs, arms. Bogs crawled on me. Hated bugs! Slapped
at (BenHis ^ narrowed lay <?yes to seeRBat sissy giri
splashing in the water, having more fun than I ever had
in a pool. ':'''..!1.^^-'."J:>'^.":^ ? '. a- '1;'.-^. ^:-", ^4;\par Wi^ltneytrfed^^ate^^EastI^^
I'd sneak away and catch a ride and come home and
talee etae of Appte^-^W^hat iAalciol^
DeadTXiepte^ouldtftnassme^^; They wouldn't care ill
.. ' ' ' ^ ' ' ' ' " ' ' 'ilifc
wasn't there to put flowers on their graves. Jory's nasty
grandmother would be glad I wasn't there. ; <;.
3 filaat0wherei cQuldidu^the tt8e»titewa^,andoit
to the barn to visit with App)e, who was growing huge.
I shoved a doggy biscuit in Apple's mouth. It vanished
in a second. He jumped and made me fall down. "Now
youe^thiscw^
your teeth!" Apple sniffed ^i^cairot. Wagged his
tail. Jumped and then swiped at the carrot with his
paw.sAppte still didn't knovi? how to play pony games
at^,-..,^-,,;^,:.,,.^.-;.^,.-, ^^-:- ',-<-- ..;. '
Soon I had Agps)».^jrtdte^'upitft my aewpppy cart
andyiw|^,al^wer ^i.iiiacp^'^^Oiy^M^",!^^^
"C^(ch,:tbosft^:l^lei?over.,yt^e^^^^^^^^
gol-dum horse, if yer gonna get roe home before chow
' isiseraegA!", I'1 sagi»-a>. 'moyeaiienit'aft-t^hil^;.. Twistedi
'rouod and spied Indians comin lickitysplit--scalpin
Indians! Indians gave us a mad chase until we lost
thei^iati»l»Blsvfhat;sQon^
thirsty, my mount and I looked for an oasis.Saw a
11S31Sit3iSS..h ,.:A,,, '.^-;,,.-t ,,.,.:, ,^.1, ^:.,. , .--.
^FheiB^sfae ;was, ;the woman of ih® oasis mirage.
Wearin her flutterin blaek rags, her barefeet sandy,
glad to welcome us both back to the land of the
-livtB^.-.:.. ^^ ^.^ ^.-wf-^- .:';' :'^,i^':^i::'^
"Wateit" I gasped, "?<eed, cp^d, cfear water." I
sprawled in a fancy chair and spread out my long, thin
legs that ended in dpsty, worn boots. I reachedto flM?I&
. sand^&qm^y'ch%»^'^ife^ .
^^^.,§heAri%j<g|a;m^
and cold, too cold. Hit my stomach like a rattler, makin
. mel^ai^osei^ai^^^l^t^jeye^:*^^
like you doin in a totten place ufce this?" : ;,
^ "I'm the local schoolmarm. Snapping Sam, don't you
tenieinber?" Beh^l^iFA^iKhe caitjtown her eyelids
1 a^.flutte(edkhe»1i^
^ -t^Jp»^<tB>,<^^
-3a)?'''1'1 -- "- 1" '-1 ': ' .. 1 - '
my game- Nobody ever playedmy games with n»,l^
fete so good to have a playmate.
I smiled, real friendly like. "Took good care of
Apple. He's so clean he can't die."
"Darintg, you play too hard. And it's not healthy to
think so much about dying. Come sit on my lap and let
me'sii^;youa:)song.'* ' , '{} ., . . ^ ,'"''
Nice. Libed being treated like a baby. Oozy on her
soft lap, with my face on her breast, and her singing in
my ears. Each rock of the chair put me more and more
in a trance. I looked up and triedto see through her
veils. Was I getting to love her more than Momma? I
saw then that her veils were attached to little combs she
caught in her hair, for today she had left her hair
uncovered., Kfost ofitwas^silver-coloredwith istreaks of
gold. ' , . . . ', ' ' -I;' ."'
Didn't want Momma to grow Old and have gray hair.
Already she '"was' leaviftg me eacn^day shfe eat!edli<rt(
Qndy? leaving afc Soft etfiets to tate ever. Why nfid
Cindy have to come and spfril myViSet' .''.^. '<-'';- fe"A
"More, ^please," I whispered when she stopped
rocking. "Do you love me more than Madame M. loves
Jory?" 1 asked. If she said yes, much, iBWh-flttore!, I
mighfrnoveia;:-^-'^''-'^-1" ^:l'^:'; v'-'^w'o ', ^'^
"Does Jory's grandmother love him a great dey%^g
Was thatfe envy feAe^ wotoe? I (ftlfcibaci, afieaff4wlah^
saw tms and beganMowersHy facew»th;ki»ses, dif^^
kisses-^^etxwmt'of-ti^'-vea^:^.^-^ ';' :''%-..^;'
"Olai^.j^'^^^^SRBietfun."^^.^ ,^;'-;.;.
"I^ae ;. . butretttember totou0tfi^<^. '^la|es
any^^ T»e got; the t^st,oCaaP|r|ll^ N jtoett," Sloe
stroked my hair back from my faceand tried to make it
neat.'Coiddia't. }: ::i^,'7^^.'^:''i^l;-,;''::;.:.i/';. ^^^^,
"Two days before my birthday we're heading l&r
Disneytand. A week there and we fly to where the
graves are. <jk»e^»r^flt oBaE»»®ries»||ay^flOweis^^,te
floweraf'-ia' ^t^^roy»)feesft^ Vsey ;eiB^|dl|&^ ^|at4'1?"»'w®»-..
Hate Xay'sgrandinother, who don't tike ore 'cause I
can't dance." ' ,„, 11',1..''''".,'''; ^y^''' ':'^'1"1 '
Again she kissed jne. "Bart . . .tell yoor parents
there have been too many graves in your life. Tell them
again how unhappy it makes you feel."
Won't listen," I said duUy; 'They jdont ask what I
want Like you do. T^ey just tell me what I have to do,"
^Tm sure they'll BstCQ if you teB them about your
dreams of being dead. T[^i^U know ;&en they hay^
taken you top many times into cemeteries. Just tell
'tliteaa^trutfi,",;,,,,,,. -^'.,'J;'.J7^,- ^ '".:- ^,,',
^^tet,.. but,.,." I sputtened unhappuy. "I want
KiSBeylandl"1,^, ^.,. . ,,^,,; 7^" ,,,-'.,,:'/,:;1;-.-...,;
"yemi teH &em like I saidy and ('11 take care (rf
Apple." ;1 '' . . ' :^./^/^;:-' .^.1 , .' .^..,
jpelt fraBtsc. ©iwe I turned the .eateof Apple over to
anyone, he'd never be all mine again. I sobbed because
life was so impossible. And my plan to escape hadto
work, it would, oad'.ito-,:....11- '^i'-1.--; 1,. ^.^^::-'1'1..:,„:
^ftfeTOckeAoaand on, and she said we were on a
sailing ship riding choppy waters to a beautiful island
caBedpeaee.:! lost my land legs» so when I reached
there I couldn't stand or find my balance. She disap^
peared. Atone, all alone. Like on Mars--and way back
on Earth Apple wa^ waitifflgter ttiettyshow up-^oor
Apple, la the eBd he'd haveto die.
I woke up, I think--whew wa^f? Why waseveryBBae
so old? Momma ;. . wBy^ Bave^'yiOti got your laoe
cfm^^wHfa'bia^
, '-^^t^te^'swee^
home'fcetore yourplirenS.'becol^aBr^
a nice^nap.^yoa.nB^.feel^beMter.'*1';' .''''''.'?'"';,:'':'"'

^Ne^tttoflBin^I1^ ite the:yard,^rying[to'fin^t up that
do^iOM^^Ibw^dii^^r^^
^ ' ' ', ' 1 : ^ ' '; ' ; ' I .

have had his own house all along, and then he wouldn't
have run away looking for one. From Daddy's toolshed
I look a hammer, nails, saw, wood, and lugged it out
into the yard. I set to. Dratted sawdidB't know how to
cat straight. Gonna have a crooked' house. If Clever
complained Pd give him a kick. I picked up my Jaggedly
sliced board and put it on the roof. Dratted Bail'
Didn't stand ?tul,8 made the hammer Jflt Any Hwiab.
Stupid hammer didn't see my fingers! I went right ion
haiB^iering^<%todthihg I couldn't feel We pains
or I'd be cryiBg. Tnen I smashed my tfttal^^o^
and it hurt. Gosh, I was feeling pain tike any normal
b^'''.'1^"'''":':7'^--^''1':'.'''^
Joryd^hedoutoftBeli^^
yOB^uifdHig » house for (aovter wnen tie^ fceea jgoDB
two weeks'? Nobody lias answeaeA bur a6s. ;'TH^s 'aa
doubt dead by now, and if he does come home he will
steep on the loot of my bed, remember?**'' ^EnanB.
Dumb, that's what he meant, and Clover might come
back^jPoorOkwer.';' ^',::: ^;"/'/ '.^.."^ ...
I sneaked a glance and saw Jory swipe at the tears in
his eyes. "IDay after tomorrow we're (ea'^iiBig for
Disneyland^i^l^slKw^
hoarsely. Did it make me happy? My swollen thumb
began to ache a little. Apple was gonna dfe; .fipom
loneliness. ^ „,....-,-. ..., ,.^-;'>.., .,-.'-...,. '- Then
I had an idea. John Amos had told me that
prayers brought about miracles, and God was B^i|h^e1
in his heaven looking out for dumb animals down here
and people too. Momma and Daddy had always told
me not to ask for things in my prayers, only blessings
for other people, not myself. So, as soon as Jory was
gone I threw down my hammer and raced to where I
could kneel and pray 'for' my,; puppy-pony and 46r
Clover. Next I weBt;to Apple, relting with 6im o&the
golden grass, me laughing, him trying to whinny-bark.
''";:""' '111'" ^ ,1:1 m,.
ffis toogue slurped my face with wet kisses. I kissed
Nan back.When he lifted his leg and aimed at the
ro^es-Mbtoe*; xsS say ^^ j^ii^ ^ tro^
ii^irtii^.tE^te.^;,-1^^ ' . -.' y^:,'
^..^ji^a^^N^Sfclteftiy^ "ID<m^^»»<«ry
^^mi^,,^!!^^
'iMid:1:^^^^^'!!^ '
EM'^^ll^!^
. i^'A^^^^gillliijI^^tli^^ilsilftfc
' .ti^'i'a^^BI|i|,^^^pB^^5^^
'iBai^ter^eaiheE.'-^^fr.y^i. $et'>a»^?dy.fta'ibe.;,ycw^^»

"IS'^oN5-".,;^' ::.^r'1.;.'^ .!:"-: l . -^- '^w : :^.,
He wagged his tail, telling me he'd be good and obey
: ^<»ct^.|^y^a.h!^^.pf
' and squashed it t^ugh my fingere, lenmg him know I
,'i^:a..g^:^'^'l»^al^A^?^c^^ .(w^^'
''^Illtiai^^li^jg^^;^
lfl|%''g!i^^-l<(»^./^^^^ ^hmg'Iaiae^^ap
11 'WW»S^,.,. ",;i;^^!^l,:-f: "^.,
"'"TMBe'irf'yOor, iesisons^&trt," called John Amos
from the barn, his bald head gleaming in the sunlight. I
Jf^ iea^»fttted;%,,r:tey '^l1^i1^i',antf:;^^edl'lErt' hiro
<iB?»^ii^.<^r^me..'|^-sineBe^ ^ ^".V.'.
s;;^^'y<w:^^ea<^:.KteM

"Ace you teac^ngyoosself^Ae^ways o( tfteli^aod
^ia^^'yeuT'l^^^dtt^fl^"''^^^^^^^^^^^ ^1;1.}1.,::'^1' ';'
^^^ar;"1':^ ?;^'1:1 ..::<-;^;^.^..,^.^-' -„'- :^111,
^iralO^ who lOBo^ m tns feo^eps wiO be fudged
acotwfiiq^'^win-:^^^^!?!^'^^^ Lef^me.^?''y(»B11
an example. Once there was a beautiful young giri w&6
was born with a silver spoon in her mouth, and she had
everything money could buy--but did she appreciate all
ste latf?>Afe, ate ^ftiB*^ ^hett ^b^ yew^^<^^
began to tempt Hienwith her beauty. She'd flaunt her
half-nakedaess befia»tfaar eye^ »» wa» hi«b..
.^r'"'1'''"'"' ''/'1'':';.' .' ' -./ 1 '//"mighty, but the Lord sawand He punished her, though
it took ffimsome time. The Lord, through Malcolm,
iswSe her ttawt ^ad c^y 'arid prtty 'tor tefease, and
Malcolm bested her in the end. Malcolm always bested
ewyone in the end"*-anrf a» aWstyWt."
Boy, he sure could tell boring stories. We had naked
people in our garden and I wasn't tempted. I sighed,
wishing he had more subjects to talk about than God
and Malcolm .:'. and ^^oane-.daartoeaBfffitI 'girty"^^^
-'''Be^sw of bean^ ia waBen, Vtat€ ^^Bewate'trftii®"
woman who shows you her body without clothes.
Beware of aH those women who lie in wait to do you in,
aftd^fflteMa^!o^^M,l<^w/*';;l': .-'' :;'1;' '; .i:^i": :'llr;
- - ^RHBflly -he. fcsfnie goi.^ I- was: glatfto^toie ^»»'''8^i.
pretending I was like Malcolm. All I hadto do to feel
reaBy good wa& te CTawl weakfly <» ^ groawil,

wild animals lurked. Etangerous animals ready to
gotftfo^ ^owk r)erlB^. fiNte^upif^^^^
couK^fbw^i^ Ithou^ttit vws. S^wasWSsSafWt
Qo8^:^:'is^Bri^al'fflnQSatt^;'!f^Slte ai.'aky^erapiaR'
Lbq^r tito^tftraln. thatflo jtnnp up and rterofftb
fiad-^ory aatt'ieffhteff'.what-we liaiahaii^'^raund'ttBff
baek^yard. ^ '" '.:.-' 1' ' .''.r;;^;^.;^:;,:l"^-^^l.l';<.
A noise in the jungle ahead! I stoppedshort,gasping
faBrtt^aA."^ '^w:^:^"^^ ^^^.^^^..v-.w^^f
-'Vbices-.-lSakiag-ssiMikes?'-,"" ' ^ i-l:ll -'--"^ ,fe^^
'"'Gatti^jFidoateaB'e wnatyou say. ft is^aot tieeessteiy
for you to visit her again this summer. Enough is
eBiaight^ba^done waatyOO can to^ie^cifcaaitl^Qu
caB^-'So' ffs^ hef eiaiS .cohcelNa»e;.bB:;:laBS,'y6tc^
fainay^1".-'^1^-^1--.^..,-^^--."-1-;^^ .^t^;.
i peeked around a bush. Both ray parentswere in the
pretdesf part ofrtiw gaipdea, wt»r^ the^NcgiS^^
grew. Momma was on her knees, mulching thfrgrouod
around the roses. Green thumb she had, and he did
toft. - :.'-;,'" /-. ' ' '^^^^^^^^i,^.,:

' - , ' 1. . -: ^ ^ : - ^ .m-

"Cathy,;inust you stay a child forever?" he asked.
"Can't you ever team to,forgiye and forget? Perhaps
you can pretend she doesn't! exist, but; I can't. I keep
thinking we are the only family she has left." He pulled
her to her feet, then put he hand over her mouth when
it opened to interrupt. "All right, hold onto your
hatred, but I'm a doctor sworn to do what I can for
those in distress. Mental illnesses can be more devastating
than physical ailments. I want to see her recover. I
want her to leave tiltatplacerr^do^^^ and
tell me agate that she was never insane, that she was
only pretending. She'd have to be crazy to do what she
did. And for all we know the twins might never; have
giown'tau anyway. UkeBart. He's not of normal
he||ghtfora^boy;hisage." ; . ;
,0h» wasn't I? ,,--,/<;,, ; , :-- , -..:' .-,
"Cathy, how can I (eel good about myself, or
anythmg,n I neglectmy own mother9" ;: -.'/v
, "Afi right*" stormed Momma. "Goon and visitheri
Jory, Bart, Qndy and I will stay of» with Mada^
Marisha. Or we could fly on toNewYerfcsQ I can wsit
with some old friends i»til you're jreadyi to jom us
again."She gave him a crooked smite,"That is, if you
still Want to join us." . [
."Whese else wou)d I go but to you? Who cares if
I live or die but you and our children? Cathy, think
about this--the day I turn my. back on my mother will
also be the day 1 turn my back on all women, including
you." ,. : :,, ^ !. } /.1 ;'.., , ;..;
She fell into his arms then and did all that mushy
loving stuff I hated to see. I backed away, still cm my
hands and knees, wondering about what Momma had
said, and why she hated his mother so much. I felt a
little sick in my stomach. What if my grandmother next
dg^^really was iBa^Sfa^rther's mother, truly ctazy,
tearing roe only because she had to. What if John Amos
'wasfteBmg-'flwtroat?- . . .^- ,.,.,^ --. r^ "^.;r-ȴ
K was so hard to figure oat. Was Corrfae MalcoUn's
real daughter like John Artios had toldme?--wais She
the One who had "tempted" John Amos? Or was that
Malcolm^ who halted'someone pretty and hatf-naked.
Sometime^ Igot confused after reading Maleoln»'s
book; he'd skip back to his chfldhood and write about
his memorieseven after he was growa up, Bke his
childhood was more important thai) his adult life. How
odd.Fco^yn'twatetoj^owup."' ' :
I heard them again, coining at me. <3uickly I crawled
under the nearest hedges. ^1,.^ -- '''--^-'"v
"I love you, Chris, ^ much ;as ybo toye me.
Sometimes IthlnkWbOttrloye too mucht ywafce up at
night if you're not there. I want you hot to be a doctor,
but a man whosfays home every pighf. I Wanf nty scms
to grow up, buteaeh day brings them nearer to learning
our saeate(7antfi"in^9iyafcMU they'll Mte us^ aatf wotft
undeRtand;*^ ;'^1'& ^ " ' ' ^'"';' 1''^''; 7:"- :' '-';;:"^1'"'y" ''"'
'"ffQGfVi »a»delftanifl,*'he^d.iHoweouMfefc^^
would understand when I wasn't good at understanding
eveB^teapte things, nBichlesssQl'nethmgsb baffitwotEB
Momaaaupat::tttgh(9;^l "'v"i'~^i -.^-,^i.''^--. i.^.^^'
''CSathy.hai^webeenNriparents^flav^
the best W ebold^ After living with^us ifoib "She's
childhood, how canthey^ helpWt understand? ^eTI
teu tfa«rilk»w it was, give th^itnafi^ittle 'lEacte, .^i^-wiB
seetfas we"HV^^iit.?ln sO^doml^theyWwOnder^as^;
often wonaer, hiow wb suarvwed witBOBr Ibsiag Jbw
minte."-'^ ^s'---Y5-^;-. <;?-;",';" '^.'.-:: "m"-- W:
.loHttiAttias wasr^it^ "H^haAt^ be StBnittg'errtSey
wouMn§t bcs so iAaid'we^wdiiM^'iteder^^
what secret? Whateve^.were't^"iild«6^/?ll^';;^u:';'?"l
I stayfSS attderlhe Hedgeslobg sfterfi)^ parents went
into the houses I haff favorite esafes I^inadetiteqpB
the he^es^ and%lten twas inside' ^m1BeMtee(^Ma^"
small woodsy animal, scared of everything human that
wouftnEffl ntte'ff po'ssible.7 ^'-.::-v:li"A-ll^„?-?'a;' "^^'

. ^' ,, ' , ' ' , : 'l^

Malcolm was on my mind, him and his brain tl
was so wise and cunning. Ithought of John Am
who was teaching me about God, the Bible; and &
ning. It wasn't until Ithought of Apple and my grar
mother that I felt good. Not real good, only a lit
good., : , - .-., , . ;; . -„.,- . .
Fell on the ground and began to sniff around, tryi
to find something I'd buried last week, or a month a^
Looked in the little fish pond Daddy wanted us to ha
so we could watch how baby fish were born. Td se
itty-bitty fish come out of eggs, and the parents'sw:
like crazy to gobble down their ehtldreni ;
"lorylBart!" called Momma from the open Idtca
door. "DH»nettime8" ^
I peered into the water. There was my face, all fun
looking, with jagged edges, hair up in points, r
curly and pretty like Jory's.Something dark red w
oh my face--ugly face that didn't belong in a. pre
garden where the little birds came to bathe is a fac
bath. I; was.bleeding tears. I dipped my bands in t
fish water and washed my face. Then sat back
think. That's when I saw the blood on my leg-?4<
of, blood-that, was drying ? a big dark^ctot on i
knee. Didn't really matter because it didn't hurt t
much., ,,..; .,,, . ,, v. ,;:1-, ' .. ' , ,. --.,. y,,./^
Wonder how it got titere? I retraced my crawiwi
my eyes. That hQard with tfafe.rusty;naH--nadl<h-i^
that in my knee? I crawled over to the board and f
the blood sticky on its end. Daddy called nail holes
skMfc"piBnctBEes," and Iguessil had^»ne."Nowit's w
important that a puncture bleeds freely," he cxplaini
Mine wasn't bleeding freely. , ^
I put my finger in the puncture and stirred up t blood so it would run. Freaky people like me could
awful things like that, while sissy people like Momi
would look sick. Blood in my wound felt hot and thu
just like that pudding stun' Apple had made and I; b
IW '
squeezed through my fingers because it not only made
him mortaane» bat it felt,good too. ^ ;
Maybe I wasn't so freaky after all, for all of a sudden
I was beginning to feel real pain. Mean pain.
"BART!" beUowed Daddy from the back veranda.
"You get in this house instantly! Unless you want a
spanking!" :-^,'<':''.''^-.'1 • :;-:.-; .•:^^-'1. .;;^.'' .
When they were in the dining room they couldn't see
me sneak in the family room sliding door, and that's
just what I did. In the bathroom I washed my hands,
put on my PJs tohide n»ybad knee and, quiet and
meek, joined, my family at the table. •
"WeM, it's about time," said Momma, who looked
pretty, y. ''-., .'•'-.-- -'^••'- . ..:^" .''y^ •.;. -:
"Bart, why do you insist on causing troubte every
time we sit downto eat?" asked Daddy, I hung my
head, not feeling sorry, just not feeling well. Knee was
really throbbing with pain, and what John Amos said
about God punishing those who disobeyed must be
right. I was being judged, and a knee puncture was my
own helfflae^v1^;'.^ ', A,.-1':-;;;.^;'^";,, ^- ^' -•--^ '
Next day I was back in the garden, hiding in one of
my special places. AH day I sat there and enjoyed my
pain, which meant I was normal, not a freak. I was
being punished like all other sinners who'd always felt
pain. Wanted to miss dinner. Had logo andsee Apple.
Couldn't sesBiesabet if jPd been iwear them -orNXrts
Drank a retle water from the fishpond. Lap, lap, lap,
like acat...! 11-'':' ;., . • ^ •• ' , • ' , , " .:-'^:•^ •
Momma had been packing all day .smiling even eariy
this morning when she put my clothes in a suitcase first.
"Bart, try to be a good bey to«^ ^ ia^iangef. <&ioie
to your meals on time and then Daddy won't have to
spank you before bedtime. He doesn't like punishing
you, but he does haw to haw away toKlisG^pBiBryoB^
And dotrytoeatmore.Youwon'tenjoyDisneyiandif
you feelai6k;"?>:
Sunset changed the Muesky to pretty.cotors. Jory
outdoors to watch the colors he said were like mi
jorycould also "feel" colors; they made him glad, s
lonely and "mystical." Momma was another one^
could "feel" coters.,Now that I was getting the knac
feeling pain, maybe soon I'd learn to feel colors te
Real night started coming. Darkness could bring
the ghosts. Emma tinkled her little crystal bell to
me in to dinner. Wanted so badly to go, but coul
doife, , : . - "-. ."-: -:' ,." '; ': ':' .
Something rottingwasiathe-haUow tree behind
I turned and crawled out of my cave and peeked
the dark hole in the tree,. Rotten eggs inside! Phe
put my hand in slowly, feeling around for wb
couldn't see. Somethingstiff and cold and coveted i
fur! Dead thing bad a coHar around its neck with pc
that cut my hand--wras that barbed wire? Was
rotten dead thing Clover?
I sobbed, wild with fear, ;
They'd thinfct did it. r
They were always thinking I did everything
was bad. AndTd lowd Clover, I had.Always wai
him to like me more than Jory; Now poor Q<
would never five in that wonderful doghouse I'd
ish someday. , ,- .'- --<"I. ;-; ,-: . ;..-.^-:^, :1.
Jory came down the main garden path, calling
searching for met "Come 'out fromvSasse yoa
Bart! Don't make waves bow that we're all read;
leave."'- , - ^ , . ^ . ; ,.
Found me a new place he didn't know about and
flat oa my stomach, ^i.- ^ ; . ;..;1;-.^^..,;'
Jory teft. Next came my naother. "Bart," she eal
"if you do»*t come inside . . , Please, Bait. I'm sea
slapped you this morning." I sniffed away say teal
self-pity. I had only accidently dumped a whole go
detergentin the dishwasher thinking I could help. I
was I to know one small box could make a wboleoc

W - / ' 1

of suds? Foamy suds that fiiled the kitchen. This time it
was Daddy.' "Bat," he calledin'a normal voice, "come
in and eat your dinner. No need to sulk. We ta«w what
you did was an accident. You are forgiven. We realize
youiweretryingto help Emma. So come to." On
and^on I sat, feeling guilty for making them suffer
more. Panic had been in Momma's voice» as if she;
really did low me, jand how coald she when I never did
anything^right? Wasn't fit for tier xylswe. . ,. ^
The pain in my knee was much worse. Maybe I had
lockjaw. Kids at school had told me all about how it
made your jaws lock together so you couldn't eat,
making doctors knock out your front teeth so they
could put a tube in your mouth and you could suck in
soup. Soon the ambulance would come screaming.
down our street, and, with me inside it, would sound its
siren all the way to Daddy's hospital. They'd rush me to
the emergency room and a masked surgeon would
shout: "Off with his rotten, stinking leg!"' They'd hack
it off short, and I'd be left with a stump full of poison
that would put me in my coffin.
Then they^tf put me; in that ceatnetery^n Clairmont,
South Carolina. Aunt Carrie would be ^t'my side, and
at last she'd have someone small like her to keep her
company. Butlwouldn*fbe0ory. Iwasme.^tiiackf
sheep of theiarifty^Jc^^U^
when he was n»ad about me playing with has**icfc8qppers." ^ -T0--^ '' ^; ^^.^:1^ ^ ^::- '-1--1' " s '
Onmyba«cK,witnmyait^cros^
B lay just like Malcolm NealFoxworth, staring upward as
I waited for winter to come and go and summer to Bring
Momma, Daddy, Jory, Glitdy sin Bmma to my grave;
^ Bet they wouldn't liringW^j|reyty4owers. Down in n»y
grave I'd stiffly Smae, not letting them know I liked the
killer Spanish moss much better than I liked the smelly
^-loses with ^priekly'^iorns. :;-<,''---1^;^1 -^ .^.^:--';:.'"
My family would leave. I'd be trapped in the ground,
/ , I, -' , ' 1 1S»
in the darki forever awl ever; ^
cold-cold ground, and the snow
wouldn't have to'pretend to
Fbxworth. I pictured Malcolm '
with thin hair and a limp like ;
tktte better looking than John
ugly. ' ..- - . -.
lust in the nick of time, I was i
problems and Cinidy coald live <
Now that I wasdeadiWmmsSsofWat
^
^:' :} ./-..1 ^ -- '^^

Dinnertime came and went.
nearer and still Bart didn't sbo'c^ ^
searched, 'butlwasl.tfie ^pne.who^jl^
was-the;Qne'whQ, l^new hun best.,"j^3|,^
ypu<ten*tj^hin»"»^nnro minntes,
poUoe^*':, ,,,..„ ' ,'. ' , '...,-.,,. fc'^
"rUfindhun,"Isaid,notnearty^
tried to sound. I didn't Uke what ^^1^
paweH|^.,'.'niey,were ttying.to do.tfae,,^)^
08^ T^ey weren^ getting any big ki|^
Di^BeyIandfor ^ fqdfth.jawK. Thttt^
and he was too dumb to understand. .;£;
He was bad too. Dad and Mom shou|
. severely,notindulge him like they did.!
least, that they cared enough to pmBlal
widced way& ^-- ^-:1 /: ';'/.:- "';; saws
Mtt ' '' ' / ' ' '^
|||r^ mentioned this to them <Mi<?e or twice,
H explained they'd learned in the worst way
|||Btswho were strict and cruel. I'd thought it
l^time that both of them had ieome from the
^ of heartless parents, but my teacher often
HjtBes were attracted to one another inbrelhan,
|||ah I had to dowasleokat them to know this
jpBoth had the same shade of blonde Bab, the
hm' blue eyes, and the same dark eyebrows and
feck, curling lashes--though Momma used
fc^vhich made Daddy tease her, for tie didn*t
^-needed any. ^ ' - . .''y.'^ .-:' ^ ";
^wouldn't punish Bart severelyeven when he.
|^d, for they had found out firsthand what harm

|8t Bart love to talk about wickedness and sin. A
||oftalk, like he'd been reading the Bible antf
|om it the kind of ideas that some preachers
iff out behind the pulpits. He could even quote .
l^&om the Bible--something &6n» theSong off
|^ and a brother's love for his sister wtiose'
SiBre like . . . ' ' .^ ''' ; ''-- " :": "' :;.'
||^<Elidn't even like to ffiulk about that kind ^
j|ide me feet so uneasy, even more uneasy than
||t spoke of how he hated graves, ole ladies,
les and almost everything else. Hate was an
gtosfelt often, poor kN, '
Ifcd his tittle cave in the shrubs and saw a bit or
Brfrom his shirt. But hewasn't there now. I"
ip a board meant for the top of the doghouse
^building, and stared at the rusty, bloody enct
VS. ... ..--', '- ": ':,
Ie hurt himself with this nail, and crawled off
Cte to die? Dying was all he fated about lately,
I; talk of those already dead. He was always
I around, sniffing the gnxiad like a dog, even
relieving himself like a dog/Boy^
-MKQeMd. - .^,-;;,.,; ',^,.^
"BsrttHt's <fory,. If you wast to"s)
let you, and won't tell o»r paceBts
noise so I can know;yott're alive."';1"^
;Notlttng. ..a;-;-;'',.- :,;". :.
pup .yard was big, SoO. of s
blooming bushes Mom and Dad!
camellia bush. Ofa, gotty--was 3tbafl|>i
^TBeEe he wasy faa% undCT the h<
legs stretched oat. I'd overtool@ed;J
this was not his usual place to hide
now, the fog making it even mow
Gently I eased him out from the i
why he didn't complain. I stared dowa|M
face, his murky eyes staring dully at 03^
sosi,"-:^ Inoan&d..''AlIllOs.tl,de^|i||"
thare»"y ,^^ -.-.. -.^1:^;..^ ^U
I picked hini up and ran with him i
^yw%fAeVasa%fBS hs»teg,hurt, ^^
want,to'd»6,-I don^<" - ';1 r^w,
By die time Dad picked him up
car, he wasunconscious. "I don't
Dad. "That leg of his is swollen tore
it should be. I only pray he doesn't fa
I knew about gangrene--it could I
In the hospital Bart wa»p»itt^ j^
other doctors came to check over hw
force Dad to leaye the toobb, suMse i
ethics tor doctors not to treat soms
faOBly. Ibo emotionally urTOhfNsal^
^to*" stormed Dad, "he's BqM»|
te see what's done for yant" MoBti
kneeling and holding onto Bart's slao
inside too, thinking I hadn't done nead^
feRAppl6," whimpered Bart whenever his eyes'
IS'Gotta have Apple."
fe" said Mom, "can't he have an apple?"
^Sfe^e&a't eat in his condition."
la terrible state he was in. Sweat beaded otfhfe
^ and his small, thin body soaked the sheets:
*gan to really sob. "Take your mother out 6(
lit," Ordered Dad. "I dont want ner tOwatch all
I,'.:- . ' - -- ;. -- -^
EGm cried in the waiting room down the hall, I
; inside Bart's private room and watched Dad.
gculin into Bart's arm. I held my breath. "Is
te to penicillin?" asked another doctor. "I.
tv," said Dad in a calm way. "He's never had.
HE infection before. At this point there isn't
H^we can do but take a chance. Get everything
Sease he reacts." He turned to see me crouched
teer, trying to stay outof the way. "Sott, go to
(tea',.There's nothing you eaildo to heK» here."
Ittna'tmove. For some reason, perhaps guilt for
die my brother, 1 had itb'Stay^arid see him
HSoOri enough Bart was in^ worsetrouble. Dad
It signaled a nurse, and two more doctors came.
jttem inserted a tube in Bart's riosOrfl. Nesct
ftgso dreadful happened I couldn't believe my
(lover his body, Bart was breaking out in huge,
Nyelts. Red as fire, and they itched; too,
gttts hands kept moving from one patch of fire (6
t^thea. Dad was lifting Bart and putting hhn on
fcfeso orderlies could wheel haa away.
If'I cried, "where is that stretener going?
fottoing to take oS his teg; are they?"' |oa," he said calmly. "Your brother is having a
ttergic reaction. We have to move fsst and
|» tracheotomy before his throat tissues be"
Stoned and cut off his air passage" r
r < 3B«
"Chris,"called the .doctor
stretcher, "it's okay. Tom has
notrache necessary." : : ^.. :wsi,
A day passed and still Bart was no I;
likely Bart would scratch himself r
another kind of infection. With fa
stayed very late watching his stubb
work convulsively in useless effor
torment of his itching body. H8»vj||
scarlet. I could tell his condition was «
face and from the attitudes of the other
around his bed. Then Bart's hands ^)
he couldn't scratch. Next his eyes ^
they looked jfte two huge, red^
swelled and protruded three inches I
I couldn't believe all this could ha$
of an allergic reaction. ;;.;-1^" ;»^%
^ht''crie4QutMom,cIi^^
tired eyes ^t»ed<m,Bartfr He'd .toeeft^
...Xseem^.T^.dass'passeAan^ stiH Biiua
'He'd,;spenti,Ais,, tea^'Nrthda^iaa^
delirious and raving, his ftsffti*;.!
canceled,our trq> back to ,Souths(
ano&er'.yeaE.1,:^1.-;^...;- .c',-' ^:':^'
^ ^;a,o^'^said;I:>ad,^poirt^-i^
his'- tired-J^(:e.,"'B*e,hiYes. are^^HgBBt
.'yiife, seepnd. huHtte,; cteared<i^|l
would igetweB feist. ^asB^ so. si
|^ger---and,SQO!B;hte proved;-!Edler^:.i^
tt^had.''^^a^we^gwigto^dl^<^
wi^ so niwA aasdety I feared for.ft^B^
"'We're dpiing,ever^b^we:cao,*'.i||i|
W- :.-. ^ -^^.^^.wy^'-Wv-'''^^
; "Oh, Lonj, why ha^thoii i(trs^teeB|»
Bart in his deliriuin. Tears streamed dot
.fell;..OB'a(y shiBaJi^^rain,.^^ ,;^ .,,-;,^g|
'^ 1. " ' ', .^
^ord has not forsaken you," said Dad. He
cart's bed and prayed, holding fast to his small
HleMom slept on a cot put in the room for her
feSbe didn't know the pills Dad had given her
laquilizers, not aspirin for her headache. She'd
set to even notice the color;
ied my head. "Go home and sleep, son.
: so much you can do, and you've doae
< I got up, stiff from sitting for so long, and
the door. When I gave Bart one more long
;, I saw him tossing resttessty as my father
eff on the cot behind my mother.'
tday Mom had to rush tothe hospital from
ss;- leaving me to warm up to piaino music.
ion, Jory. Forget your brother's problems foT
,(you can, and join uslater on." l^osooner was
^of sight than something dawned on me. Apple'
llifBart didn't want m apple . . . he wanted his
llpuppy-ponyl .'
J minutes I was out of my leotards and in a
booth calling my father. "How's Bart?" I

ry good. Jory, I don't know how to tellyottr-'
lit the specialist working on Bart wants to
his leg before the infection has a chance t«
|ain more. I can't let him do tha3(--<uid yet, we
gtBtto lose Bart." . ' , '' : ^ .^;, ^ ',- ,,.,,
|E you let them amputate!" I almost screamed.
|11 Bart--and make ban hear--that ym going
Istake care of Apple. Ptease^et Bart keep both
s^' Qod knows, Bart would feel even iBOEe
^he lost one', t r
^your brother lies on bi^ bed and »®in»ses to
ite. He isn't trying to recover. It seems he waats
We can't give him any kind ofantaHOticaadhis
^e is steadily rising. But I'mwithyou. 'Shew
must be something we can do to bring down tl
few.^ .. -;1- .„-'-. ;- ... -..- .;-. ...;

Reff the first time in my life I hitched a ride home;
nice lady let me off at the bottom of the hill and I rac
the rest of the^ way. Onoe Bart knew Apple was oh
he'd get well. He was punishing himself, just theway
beat his fete against the rough bark pf;a tree when
broke something. I sobbed with the realization my I
brother was more important .to me: than I'd hao?
before. Nutty little tod who didn't like himselfy«
much. Hiding in his pretend games, telling tall tales
everyone would be impressed. Dad bad told me a }q,
time ago,".. . indulge him in hispretense, Jory."^
maybe we'd indulged Team toomuch. ^
I .gasped, when I saw Apple in the, barn of <
mansion. He was cbajmed to a stake driven into |
ground of the floor. A dish of moist dogfood was plac
just beyond his reach. 3
HHs thick shaggy furtold the stpryoilas hunger.;!
was ragged, panting, looking at me with huge plei^
eyes. Who had done this? He'd clawed the grou^
jtus futile efforts to dig free, and now, stui wi^
overgjrowri puppy, he lay and panted Jn tBebarn, ^
harf been closed and shattertid crueuy.' "" ^^"^
"Ifsau right, bo^." I soothed, as fset -about 'geq
him fresh water. He lapped it upso ^ursti^-Iq^|
take it away. I knew a little about doctoring. DogS^
peopie,had ttydr&ric spaitegty after a'kmglnii^'^
set mm free aBd^wenfrio h^^^Mifftrf supplieis aBitI^
what looked best to me from a long row of cans. A^
was starving in the midst of plenty. I could feel h^
when I ran my hands over his pitiful shabby cdat||
.h^'beett^axy.^eaat&d;^"1'.'-'. ?^ ' l"''"l!:l"-;'i'^
'(^eapte^tseatieo andhaAhistinofwater,!^
combed tcs thick mat of hair. Then I sat on .th«||
WAS ; 1:. . , ' ' I ''"
floor and held his huge head on my lap. "Bart's coming
home to you, Apple. He'll have two good legs too, I
promise. I don't know who did this to you and why, but.
you can bet I'll find out." What worried me most was
the awful suspicion that the very person who loved
Apple most might be the very one.who'dstarved and
punished his pet, Bart had such an odd way of
reasoning. TR) his way of thinking, if Apple really
suffered when he was gone, Apple would be ten times
more grateful to see him.
Could Bart be that heartlessly cruel? Outside
the July day was mildly hot. As I approached
the great mansion I heard thetow voices of two, people,
| That old woman-in black and the creepy old butter,
I both of them seated on a cool patio lush with colorful
potted palms, and ferns planted in huge stone urns.
"John, I feel I should go down again and check on
Bart's puppy. He was .so happy to.see me this morning,
I couldn't understand why he was so hungry. Really, do
you have to keep him chained up like that? It seems so
cruel on a beautiful day like this-"? - ^ '
"Madame, ft is not a beautiful day," said the
mean-looking butter, as he sipped a beer and sprawled
in one of her chaise lounges. ""When you insist oh
I wearing black, naturally you feel' hotter than anyone
; else," ,--., :, ' .. : ..,:'- ^-. ,; . . :v .<,
"I don't want your opinion on how I dress, sl want to
know why you keep Apple chained." ^
I' "Because the dog aright run off to look for his young
i master," said John sarcastically. "2 guess yon; didn't
^think of that." ;
|( "You couldtoek the barn door. I'm going down to
?look at him again. He seemed so thin, so desperate."
te "Madame, if.yQttAavetoconcer&youiself.^nake it
Worthy of the bother, Beconcemed for yoar grandson,
|»ho is about to lose hi&tegp' ;
She'd half risen from her chair^ but at this announcemem she sank back on the pillows. *
Did Emma and Marta talk again this
^ sighed, knowing Emmaliked to
shouldn't. Though I honestly didn't
anything important. She never told ai|
And Mom never had time'to tistefc^s^
"0( eouese they did<" gi;oudie(rtiit:^|
'ever,hear of'a w<nnan'^who.dfeEln'tl^|
stepladders every day to gab away,
Emma talk, the doctor and his wife i
"John, what aid Marta find o«ats
®e!»- -I---- - -t:^.i --'v^
''^^^MoiMw.itiseeiBSth^
drive a rusty nail into his knee and
gangrene--the kind of gangrene that <
tion xrf&e^afcoiFthttpalii^adie!^
I stared from my hidden place at the
tallGed,^»iOQe vefy upeft'the ^toi
, cerned^ almost amused at the reactiott<(
.-,"Y<w'relymgf''sCTeamedthe'wae^
feet. "fcbn, you tellnwBesjusti^o^a^
know Bartwili be ftae. His father will tq
to help hto Tecower. I know hje 'wSSss^
Andtf»ea^biX5lEeinto;teaus.Sii»t
tfaeaa^wlp^^^herteaesia^5^
not noticing the scars so much this ti
of suffering. Did she really care so m
should she care? Could; she really
BB0»her?~»awsbeeouldn'tbe,ifisg
a mental institutkmte ^ftgiaia^ ;
1 stepped forward then to tet myp
She appeared surprised to see me,
terbaiefa^ai^B»s^yat<M»&er
^©ootf.iBKXtn»Bg,"t said, address
lady and ignoring the old man I. <
detest. "Illeand ^^»ryowtb»AtersaM|li
|«ot have gas gangrene. And he will not lose his
|||Eifl»ey fe much too good & doctor to let that
ig*^ ^1 ;::--''' ^:- ^^.{"1'-- ^«i» you sure Bart will be aft right?*^ she asked
^'Siuch concern. "He's Very dear toine . . . I
|b you how much." She choked and bowed her
lOfking her thin, ringed handsconvulsivety.
latfam," I said. '^tfartwa^'taHiCTgtetwtftoat
^uss. the doctors have gtven him, they would
estniyed the infection---but that won't niatter in Krun, for my dad will know what to do to help
(^father always knows just what to do." I turned
|mid the butler and tried to put on adult
"As fot Appfe hedo€».BO<| ae^d'io be kept
l a hot barn with aU the windows shuttered
I he doesn't need to have his food andwater
(out of his reaeb.i?toatkQOW;x^at'«g!»ng
fii place, and why you want to make a nice dog
tsuffer--but you'd better take good care of him
don't want me to report you to the humane
I' I whipped about and started toward home.
1^ called the lady in black. "Stay! Pon'tjteave
|BBrttotaiow.iDD^abwt]&»rt;" ^,:'„ .^'^;,,"
(1 turned to look at hisr.^lll'ypu^"waint "toi 'help
te^lhere^ only one tfirog yw c^'dOh'^w?
^"When he comes, tack, yw teB tani scBEne
(Son whyyou can't be^bothered--but dont. you

@^"gs.", ^l''.l":,:.'t:':'"l':":"::;.."''':'
poke again, pleading for me to stay and talk, but
roB, thinking I'd done ^something 'W^i^Or
^protedhimfr6mwhat,Tdi^
S^sry aight Bases ftwer raged llugBer. fBs
ordered him to be wrat^ed ? a^^^^^i^^
W»t worked Like a refrigerator. ^IN||eBe<^or|r
frwatcaed mylnotB^.I^sairltettftl^l;®^!
S^iwh each otner, giving «^te^ie«- 's^agta.
l^-IXWi turned to pkdt up cubes of ice that they
robbed on Bart's arms and legs,then his chest. Li
one person with no need to speak. I choked up «
bowed my head, feeling moved by their kind of to
and understanding. I wanted then to speak up and t
them about the woman next door, but I'd promis
Bart pot to tell. He had thefiist friend in his ufe, t
first pet that could tolerate him; yet the longei
withheld what I knew, the more my parents might
hurt in the long run. Why did I have to think that? Hi
could that old lady hurt my parents?
: Sboiebow Hcnew she could. Someday I knew s
would. I wished I were a man, with the ability to ma
right decisions;
As I grew sleepier, I remembered the express!
Dad used so often: "God works in mysterious ways 1
wonders to perform."
Next thing 1 knew Dad was shaking me awail
"Bart's belter!" he cried. "Bart's gomg to keephiS 1
and recover!"

Sfowly, day by day, that hideous swollen leg dim
ished in size. Gradually it turned a normal coli
though Bart seemed listless and uncaring as he star
blankly;ahead, not saying anything to anybody.
We were at the breakfast table one morning wh
Dad rubbed his tired eyes and informed us of son
thing incredible. "Cathy, you're not going/to belie
this, but the lab technicians found something odd in t
culture they took from Bart's wound. We suspect
rust; they found rust, which caused the tetanus, I
they also foiHuMhe very kind of staphylocpocus oft
associated with fresh animal feces. It's truly a mirai
Bart still has both of his legs."
Looking pale and tired enough to be sick hers<
Mom nodded before her head bowed weakly ta i
l«®
shoulder. "H Ctever were' stiH around, Fd easily
understand hew he ini^ifr-^'
"You know how our Bart is. If anything filthy is
within a mile he'll be the one to step on if, crawHn it, or
pick it up and check ifbver. You know, when hekept
on raving last night about apples I gavehim one l*d
bought arid he let it fall tt» the 'floor, showing no
interest." Mom closed her eyes while he went on
stroking her back and talking. "When I told him we
weren't flying East I could tellAe was pleased.*' He
looked my way. "I hope you're not too disappointed,
Jory. We'll have to wait until next summer to visit your
grandmother, or maybe this Christmas Ican get away."
I was thinking mean thoughts. Bart always got what
he wanted. He'd figured out a sure way to avoid visiting
"ole" graves and "ole"gra.ndmothers. He'd even given
up Disneyland. And it,wasn't like Bart to g^ve up
anything.

That evening I was with Bart alone, and Mom and
Dad were in the hospital corridor talking to friends. I
told Bart about the conversation I'd overheard between
the old lady and her butlerv "There they were, Bart,
both of them on her terrace. She was so worried about
you."
"Sheyjoves me^ be whispered .proudly, h»s vo»e«?
very faint. "She. jkwes; me-smore thananybody»" and
here he looked Jthoughtfu4 "except perhaps, Apple."
Bart, ithought, don't think like that. But I couldn't
speak aad steal his pride in having foundlove outside
his family. With mixed emotions I watched hisexpres-
sive face, my own emotions a tumble o€ aocertainty.
What kind of kid brother did I have? i^n^hihad to
know his parents would love him moresthananyone
else. -1^:--" n-';--- .^--^a.;?'^
Appearing obedient, I entered my bedroom and stood
near the doorway so I could shout to those in the dining
room, "Don't nobody disturb my TestI" ? ;
Kept me two weeks in that hospital, and now Iwas
home they were gonna keep me locked inside some
.mote.;rd show 'em< Nobody was goana keep me inside
for another rotten week! But somebody kept an eye on
me night and day before finally I could escape through
the window after six whole days of being'kept a
prisoner. Already I'd missed top much of summer, aad?
my Disneyland trip. Wasn't gonna miss anything else.
Tbebig tdetreeby the wall was notfriendly, making
it harder for me to climb. By the time I was neart door'
my fegwoiBM ache; Pain wasrft nearly as good as I'd;
thought it would be. Being "normal" wasn't so hot".;
Jory sprained his ankle once and went right on dancing,
ignoring the pain. I could ignore pain too.
When Iwas on top of the walll looked behind to see^
who might be following. Nobody. Nobody cared what IT;
did to hurt myself. Began to sniff--what was that rotten
stinking smell coming from out of the hollow oak tree?
Ah, I could just remember. Something dead in the
hollow tree. What was it? Couldn't remember good";
anymore. VSsod was fuzzy, full of mists that rolled like
th&fog. i--.,^ ..,'1.-.' .' .- '.- - -'^ '' - : .,--^
Apple, better to think of Apple. Forget the stiff and
aching knee by pretending it belonged to some frail ole :
man like Malcolm grew up to be. My young leg wanted
to run, but my old one controlled all of me, tatdng over
H^mind.foiringHietoleaahea^yimmycaaiei;
Ohh! What a pitiful sight it would be losee poor
Apple lying dead in the barn. A pitiful bag of fur, stdn
and bones; Vd cry, scream, hate those who'd tried to
force me to fly East and abandon the very best friend I.
had. Animals were the only ones who knew how to.;
'reafty'fosww&'deaaBAafc-'1"1'"-:-' " "^'."1 -;1" .i
A hundred years had come andgone since test I came
this way before. MOFeyeais passed, it seemed, while |
limped to its doors. Get a grip on yourself, I thought.
Steel your spine, Hli^1S<fflkx§tt "s^^
your eyes for a grisly sight, ferApple loved you too
much, and now he had to .pay the price by dying;
Never, never again would I find such a true friend'as
the puppy-pony who^d been my Apple,
My balance, never good, swayed me Tight to left,
from front to back, and made me feethazy and craSy. I
sensed something was -behind me. I peeked over my
shoulder and saw no one there. .Nothing but those
frightenmg animal shape^thatwere<Muy"greenst^^
Stupid gardeners should have something better to do
than waste their time snipping at bushes when Feat
money was out there waning for real brains to pick it,
up. Thinking now Just like Malcolm; John Amos would be pleased. Had to hunt up John Amos so he could
smarten upimy brains some morp,
Suspecting the worst, I approached the place that
Apple liked most. Now I couldn't see. Gone blind! My
cane tapped the ground ahead of me. Dark. Why was it
so dark? I inched along, peering this way and that. Aft
the barn shutters were closed. Poor Apple, left in the;
dark to starve* A lump rose jm,my throat while I eri®4;
inside for a pet who'd loved me more than life ntsett,.
I had to force myself to take another step forward. Th
see Apple dead ywdd seas my ;sout, nay eternal s@uli
which John Amos said had to stay clean and pure if I
was to get to heaven's pearly gates where Malcobn had
gon^. ;:.'.,: .'-! -::-- ,/-;...; ^ .„ ; .^-^^ -' I
One step more. I stopped. There was any Appte--- and hewasn't dead! He was in a stall with thewindow
open and he was chasing a red ^?all, swatting it with tris
huge pawlike hoofs--and there was plenty of food in
his didL deia water ia his bowl too. I stood there
^ 1 - ^
shaking all over as Apple ignored me and weat on
playing like I wasn't eveathere. Why, he hadn't missed
meataS! .,. - :-1^;, : ...'. -I: - ..:;<,"'.
'OW VOW I screamed. '»Ybu'v&beeB eating and
drinking, and having a good time! And all the time I
was at death's door and you da^'t care. And I thought
you toyed itte. I thought i you'd fflass me a whole lot.
And now you don't even bark-whinny to tell me you're
glad I'm hai£k! I HATE YOU, APPLE! HATE YOU
WRNOOrCAR^
.Apple saw me then and ran to me, leaping to puthis
huge paw-hoofsonmy shoulders as he slurped my face.
His tail wagged furiously, buthe wasn't fopUng me,
He'd foun4 someone else't0 take care of hunbetter- dam if Td^ made t»s coat lookso^ pretty. '^Why didn't
you di® from loneliness^" I shrieked. I glared hatred at
hun, wanting hJon to wither a^ay and disappear.; He
sensed my anger and dropped to all fours and stood
with his tau between his legs and his head Vingirig^
down,his eyes roUed slantwise.
^YOU GET ASWiFRbM ME! YOU NEED TO
SUITER: AS I SUFFERED! THEN YOU'LL BE
<a.ADT6ttAvB 'hiS. BACK!" I took all histood. his
water, and threw them in a wooden barrel. I picked up
his red ball andhuried^hat^sb rar he'dlaever findlt. All
the time Apple stood there, watehing,^nbt waggling his
taH.lfcwantedni^1»i^,butno<»awa^^
"YOtfM miss m&now,"^ 1 sobbed, stumbung ^way,
locking him in the barn with all the windows closed and
the steaireeN-too; "Stay te darkness |b^ die of hunger!"
rd-never come back, aever! ''';.--':. .< ';1., ;!''' ' ".
No sotMaer was I in the sunlight than I thought of the
nice soft hay he had inside to lie on. I went into the
barn again, seized up a pitchfork and raked all the hay
away»;He was whimpering now, trying to nuscde up to
^^Wouldn't tet lam, "You Me on the cobMtetrd floor!
It wiu make all your bones ache, but I d<Mi^eare^iiot.^

1*8

don't love you now!" Angry^1 wiped the tests away
and scratched my face.
In all my life I'd made only three friends: Apple, my
grandmother and John Amos. Apple had killed my
love, and one of the other two had betrayed me by
feeding him and stealing his love. John Amos wouldn't
bother---had to be Grandmother.
Drifted home in a daze. That night my leg ached so badly Daddy came in and gave me a pill. He Sat on the
side of my bed and held me in his amis, making me feel
safe as he spoke softly about falling into sweet dreams.
Bell into ugliness. Dead bones everywhere. Stood
gushing out in great rivers, taking pieces of human
beings down into the oceans of fire. Dead. I was dead.
Funeral flowers oa the altar. 'People sent me floweiRS
who didn't know me, telling me they were glad to see,
me dead. Heard the sea of are play devil music, making
me Bate music wad dancing even more than I had.
Toe sun came in my window and felt on my face,
stealing me from the devil's grasp. When I opened my
eyes,terrmed of what I might see, I saw only Jory at the
foot of my bed, looking at me withpity. Didn't need
pity. "Bart, you cried last mght. I'm Sorry your teg stitt
hurts."' --^: ^..-.^ ....-- -- -.--;1. -'-^:
"U® don't hurt at all!" Ii|eBedL
Got up to go limping into the kitchen where Momma
was feeding Cindy. Blasted Oredy. Emma was frying
bacon for my breakfast. "Coffee and wast only,*'!
yelled. "Thai's aHI want to eat."
Momma winced, then looked up with her face
strangely pale. "Bart, please don't yett. And you don't
drink coffesei. Why -would you askfor coffee?'1
"Tme I started acting my age!" I barked. Carefully I
eased myself down into Daddy's chair with arms.
Daddy came in and saw me in ms chair, but he didn't
order me from. He Justusedmy armless ehair,tBe6
pouted coffee into a cup until-it was half luH. He filled
M
the enptoaanichotthe brim withcream andthen gave
it to me. , .."- :, :-.:^ '^-:
"HatecreaBtinniyeofEee!".
"How, can you be so sure, when you: haven't tried it?"
"Just know," I refused to drink the coffee he'd
spoiled. (Malcolm liked his coffee black--and so would
I from now on.) Now; afi1 had before me was dry
toast---and if I had to be like Malcolm ami grow smart
brains, I couldn't spread butter and strawberry jam on
my toast. Indigestion. Like Malcolm, had to worry
about indigestion. . -::. - - - , -^ ,,-'. -j -:' ... :'.,"Daddy^
viha^s indigestion?"!
"S©a»ed»ag you doat need to have."
S»ffe was^ardtiEyiogto be ia6e Mafaxdm aH if» tiBae.
Seconds later Daddy was down on his knees, checking
over my 1?adleg.%'% tooks^ werse jtoday tnao it did
y^sterday^" he sa«t pounds » he lifted Us hteKl; ioet ay eyes
and scowled su^picKwaty. "Baat» yo» luaven^/been
crawliagoa this bsad knee, have you?" . ?^
"Nor'.I yelled, "I'm notcraasy! The oewers rttbhed
off someofrey skin. Rongh sheets. Hate cotton sheets,
jUki&sUlfc'aOnes best." (Malcolm woxridat sleep; on
anything but silk.) ;: ., ^^^.: . . ';., , ..-. ."^,.
"How would you know1?" ^sSsed Daddy. "You've
never had silk sheets."- jB<i^ceaatiMBed tocase or my
knee, washing it first and thensprinkling on some white
powder before covering jay wound with ft gauze pad
held, on with st»elsy tape, "Now I'm senous^fiatt. ^
warn you to stay off that knee. You stay in the house,
opt: of the -garden, w stfc oh the feack veraada-410 ]
.crawling.iitt.iate'dwt.".:^ .y;'.1:.. ,-^^ --^^, -.-s1^"1--^
"It's a patite^ t scowled to let; him lEnow^*^ dynS^I
.faiew-everytiwg... ^',.{ "i:i:,^ : .1' ''-:. i^r": }i-:i^:'' ^
^tA|l)^i^,apalfio--doe^thatm^ffiysoufoe^^h^^
NOt Never was happy. 'Eben I gave itaiow^ioi^hfts |
Yes, I w^aCT^W®"^01®8-*1^^I was p(etMdiog:to ^
beMahx^thie?|BB()»B^^
Playing the role of Malcolm was easy and better than
anything or anyone! else. Somehow I knew if I kept it up
I'dend up just like Malcoun---rich, powerful, loved.,-
Longest kind of dull day dragged on endlessly with
everybody beeping a dose eye oh <ne. TwiBghtcaBae,
and Momma got busy making herself prettier for
Daddy, who was due home any minute. Emma was
fixing dinner. Jory was in his ballet class, and I slipped
off the patio unseen. Downinto the gardenI hurried
before anybody stopped me, :
Evening time was spooky, with long, mean shadows.
All the little humming, buzzing creatures of night came
out and swarmed about my head. I fanned them away. 1
was going, to John, Amps, He was; sitting; alone in his
room, reading some magazine that he hid as quickly as
I entered without knocking. "You shouldn't do that,"
he said sourly, not even smiling to say he was glad I was
alive, with two legs.
It was easy to put on Malcolm's glum look and scare
him. "Did you give Apple water and food While I was
sick?'» "'"'-, '';,^,','.'^1'^ ',.'".^''',
"Oi course not," he said eagerly, "ft was yonr
grandmother who fed hun and cared for him. I told you
women can never be trusted to keep th<ar word.
Conine Rxxworth is n<y better than any other women.
with their wilefi to trick men" into being slaves."
"QwrineRasworth--^ that her name?*^ ^
"Of coarse, Fve told you that before. She is Mat- coon's 4aBBghter.-He named lier alter his inofher so
he'd always be reminded of how false women are, how
even a daughter could betray him--though fa® loved her
well, too well, in my opinion." ? ^t I
was growing bored of tales of women and their
"wiles. ""Why don't you get your teethSseiSf" Iasked,
I didn't like the way he hissed and whistled through
teeth toofoose. ,.-y1 1;- ' 1; „" '' ^:.' -:- :,;.--
"Good; You said that just lifec Malcohn. Ybu're^
, ' ' } ' VSt
learning. Being siGkltes been good for your soid---«!s il
was for tfis. Now listen carefully, Bart. Corrine is yom?
real grandmother and was once married to your real
father. She was Malcolm's ntOst beloved child and shes|
betrayed him by doing something so .sinful she has to be;:
punished." ' .''''-:,-' ' "'lls
'Tias to be punished?" I
"Yes, punished severely, but you are not to let hel
know your feelings for her have changed. Pretend youl
still love her, still admire her. And in that way she wiff
be made vulnerable." ' ; |
.Xnew what vulnerable meant. Another of thoses
wotds I had to ^learn. Weak. bad to W weak. JohnE
Amo$ went for his tBible and put my hand on its worn
black'cover, aU cracked and peeling. "Malcolm's owrf
Bible^he said. "He left it to me in his will.. . though
he could have left me more . . ."
I realized that John Amos was the one person in the
world who had not yet disappointed me. Here was the,
truefriend I needed. Old--but I could be old too when!
I wanted. Though I couldn't take my teeth from my
mouth and put them in an ivory-colored cup. ,
1 stared at the Bible, wanting to puU my hand away
but afraid of what might happen if I did., "Swear on this
Bible that you will do as Malcolm would have wanted
his great-graadspn; to dft-^reak vengeance against:
those who harmed him most." ,
How couldl prcHause whiat he wanted, when a little of
me still loved her? Maybe^John Amos was lying. Maybe
Jpry-had-.feilt^'Apple.--^:' , /.1:,- ,.,..„ -^ _ -,. ; -. : -..!
"Bart, why do you hesitate? Are you a weakling?
Haw you no spine? Look again at your mother, at how
she uses her teody, her prettyr face« her soft kisses Sand
hugs to make your father do anything she wants. Take
notice of how late he works at night, how tired he is
whenhe comwtieBae.^ Askyouraeffwhy. Does he do it
IB8
for himself--or for her, so he can buy hernew clothes,
fur coats, jewelry and a big fine house to live in. That's
how women use men, making them work while they
play."
I swallowed. Momma had a job. She taught ballet
dancing. But that was more fun than work, wasn't it?
Did she ever buy anything with her money? Couldn't
remember. .
"Now you go in to see your grandmother, and be like
you were before, aad soon you"will find out who
betrayed you. It wasn't me. You go in and pretend you
are Malcolm. Call her Corrine--watch the guilt and
shame flood her face, watch her eyes show fear, and
you will know which one of us is loyal and trustwor^y-"
1 " } , ' ? ' ^ : .^'1' '
I tiad sworn hurt on those who had betrayed Malcolm,
but I wasn't happy with myself as I limped on to
the front parlor she liked best of all. I stood in the
doorway and stared at her, my heart pounding, for I
wanted so much to run to her arms and sit on her lap,
Was it right for me to pretend to be Malcolm when I
hadn't given her a chance to explain?
"Corrine," Isaid in a gruff voice. Oh, the game was
so good, I couldn't be just Bart and feel secure. When I
was Malcolm I felt so strong, so right,
"Bart," she cried happily, rising to extend her arms.
"You've finally come to see me! I'm so glad to see you
well and strong again." Then she hesitated. "Whotold
you my name?"
"John Amos told me," I said, frowning at her. "He
told me you fed Apple and gave him water while I was
away. Is that true?"
"Yes, darting, of course I did what I could for Apple.
He missed you so much I pitied him. Surely you aren't
angry.""-,'". :-, - ' . - '-, I> 1' -/-1 ''-
"Yeto stole him from wes^ I cried tyke a baby. "He
-- 188
was the best friend I ever had; the only one who really
loved me, and youstole him away so now he likes you
better." . -.,-. •. •: . • -.•:•:• -• - ••••••
"No, he doesn't. Bart, he likes me, but he loves
you." . . : - .' ••'.. - lli- . . •• ^ . ..': }
JSlow she wasn't smiling and pleased looking, lust like
John Amos had said, she knew I was on to her wiles.
She was gonna tell me more lies. "Don't speak to meiso.1
gruffly," she begged."It doesn't becomea boy of ten
'years.Darling, yotfve; been gone so long, and Tve
missed you so much. Can't you even show me a little
affection'?'' . . . , " ' , ' . . ' — , ...• , J
Suddenly, despite my promise, I was cunningiota
her arms andl throwing my arms about her. "Grand»
motheri I reaBy did hurt my knee bad! I was sweating
so much my bed was wet. They wrapped me in a cok£
blanket and Momma and Daddy rubbed me down wit^
ice. There was a mean doctor who wanted to cut off myj
teg. but Daddy wouldn't let him. That doctor ?aidTi|
was glad I wasn't his son." I paused to take a breath, H
forgot aH about t»iafcolm. "Grahdmother, 1 found out
my daddy loves me aiter all—or else he would haw
been glad for that doctor to cut off my leg.*'
She seemed shocked. "Bart, for heaven'ssake!Hov
can you have the slightest doubt that he loves ybut (
course he does. He*d have to love you, andChristbph
was always a kind; loving boy . . ." v
How did she know my daddy's name was Christc
pher? I narrowed my eyes. She was holding her ha
over her mouth tike she'd given away some sec
Then she waracying.
Tears. One ®t the ways women had to work men.
1 turned away. Hated tears. Hated people who ^
weak. l-pat my hand on my^slartfaoni and felt the 1
cover of Malcolm's book against my bare chest.
book was giving me his strength, transferring it
weak, imperfect body? What difference did it make
when soon she'd know hist who was her master?
Home, bad to get home before they missed me.
"Good night, Corrine."
I left her crying, stillwonderinghowshe knew my
daddy's name. ' -1"1":^. . --1<-1';' ' 1 '-'l'lii;_}:;"
In my garden I checked my peach pit again. No roots
yet. I dug up my sweetpeas again. Still not sprouting. I
didn't have luck with flowers, with peach '"pfts^wth
nothing. With nothing bat playing Mateolm the powerful.
At that I was getting better and better. Smiling aad
happy, I went to bed.

The Horns of Dilemma

Never was Bart in our yard where he should be. I
climbed the tree and sat on the wall, and then I saw
Bart over in that lady's yard, down on his knees
crawling. Sniffing the ground Uke a dog. "Barf!" I
yelled, "Clover's gone, and youcan't take his place."
I knew what he was doing--burymg a bone and then
sniffing around until he found it. He looked up, his eyes
glazedanddisorien(ed---and then he began tosbark;'"
I yelled to set him straight, but he went on playing
the frolicking puppy before he suddemy^iecamie an old
man who dragged life teg. And it wasrft even the leg
he'd hurt. What a nat he was^ "Bart, stea^ghtea op!
You're ten, not a hundred. If you keep walking crooked
you'll grow thai way." , ;
"Crooked days mate crooked ways."
156
"You don't make good sense." ? ,
"And the Lord said: 'do unto others as they hays
done unto you.'"
"Wrong. The correct quotation is: 'Do unto others as
you, .would, have clone unto you.'" I reached to assist
what seemed to be an old man. Bart scowled, panted,
grabbed at his chest, then cried out about his bad 1
that shouldn't have to endure tree-climbing. ;;., .
; "Bart,, I'm^ fedup with you. AB you do is-i
trouble. Have some sympathy for Mom and Dad-
me. It's going to be embarrassing haying you for
brother whenwe go back to school."
He limped along behind me as I headed tow
home, still panting, muttering between moans ab
how already he was a master of finances. "Never wa
born a brain more clever than mine," he mumbled.
He has really gone bananas, was all I could think as I
listened to him. When he'd scrubbed ha filthy hand!
with a brush as^ if he reaHy wanted; to get them clean, |
gasped. That wasn't like Bart at all. He. was stil"
pretending to be someone else. Soon he had his teeti
clean and was in bed. I ran fast to where I couli
eavesdrop on my parents, who were in the living root
dancing to slow music.
As always, something sweet, soft and romantic st(
over me to see them like that. The tender way
looked at him; the gentle way he touched her. I clea
my throat before they did anything too intinu
Without changing their positions, both looked at
questiionBBgly.*'yes,Ioryi",,satd Mom, her blue
dreamy. - ; .' ^:, ••: , . . :_, , ^ .,^ -, •• , •
"I want to talk to you about Bart," I said."I tl
there, are a few things you should know."
Dad looked relieved. Mom seemed to shrink
hecself as she quietly sat beside.Dad on the; s
"We've been hoping you would come to,us witili
None of it was easy to say; "Well," I began stowly,
hoping to find theright words, "first, you should know
Bart has lots of nightmares in which he wakes up
crying. He pretends loo much, such as hunting big
game and normal kid stuff like that, but when 1 catch
him crawling aroundsniffrog^e ground, then digging
up a nasty old bone and carrying it between his teeth to
bury itsomewhere else, that's going too far." I paused
and waitedfor them to say Something. Mom had her
head turned as if she was listening to hear the wind:
Dad leaned forward, watching me intensely.
"Goon/lory," tie urged. "Don't stop now. We're
not blind. Wesee how Bart is changing.'*
Dreading to tell more, 1 hung my head and spoke
very low. "I've tried several times to ieB you before; I
was afraid then too. You've both b^eri so worried about
Bart that I couldn*t speak."
"Please don't hold wiytlung back," Dad said. '
I lookedonly at ay fatter, unable to meet my
mother's fearful gaze. "The lady next door gives Sart
all sorts of expensive gifts. She's given him a St.
Bernard puppy he calls Apple, two miniature electric
trains along with small village and mountain settings—
the complete works. She's had one huge room of hers
turned into a playroom just for him- She would^ive me
gifts too, hot flart won't let her.1'
Stunned, 'they turned to one another. Finally ©ad
said, "What efce?"
I swallowed and heard my odd, husky "Mace. This was
the worst part, the part that really hurt. "Yesterday^
was in the backyard near the waB , . . you know,
where that hoBow tree is. I had the hedge clippers and
was pruning like you showed me. Dad, when I StneBed
something putrid. It seemed to come from that hole in
the tree. When I checked ;: /I found . . '^ Agam I
had t^swaHow before loouldsayit.^^wMfCKiiv^
He was dead aad decaying. I dug a grave for him.^
' . , ' ' . is?
Hastily I turned my back to wipe away tears, then 11
them the rest. "I found a wire twisted around his ne
Somebody deliberately murdered my dog!" ,
They just sat on the sofa looking shocked and scar
Mom blinked back her tears; she too had loved Clo
Her hands trembled when she reached for a handle
chief. Next she locked her nervous hands together 2
kept them on her lap. Neither she nor Dad asked «
had killed Clover. I figured they thought die same i
did- " '' . , , ' . .,:^ 1. „ . ^ ^,, ' ^
Before he went to bed. Dad came into my room i
talked to me for an hour, asking all sorts of questii
about Bart, what he did with his time, where he we
and about the woman next door, and that butler tcx
felt better now that I'd warned them. Now they co
plan what to do with Bart. And I cried that sight for
last time over Otover, who had been my first and o
pet. I was going on fifteen, almost a man's age, i
tears were only for little boys--not for someone aim
six feet tall. . ,....:,

"You leave me alone!" yelled Bart when I asked I
not to go next door. "You stop telling tales on me
you'll be sorry."
Each day took us closer to September and sch«
days. As far as I could see, Bart wasn't responding
the tender toving<are my parents gave him. They w
too. understanding in my 'opinion. "You listen to r
Bart, and stop pretending you're an old man nan
Malcolm Neat Boxworth, whoever he is!" But B
couldn't .let go of his pretend limp, his fake bad he
that made him gasp and pant. "Nobody is waiting
you to die to inherit your fortune. Dear little broth
you don't have any fortune1"
"Got twenty billion, ten million, fifty-five thousa
and six hundred and forty.two wots!" He used
188
fingers to tallyup. "But I can'tremember bow much I
have in stocks and bonds, so I guess you could triple
that figure. A man isn't rich if he can name what he
owns.".: ...... . : .- .-;' I
hadn't known he could even name a figure like that.
Just when Z would say something sarcastic, Bart let but
a yelp and doubled over. He fell to the floor and
gasped. "Quick ... my plus. I'm dying My teft arm is
going numbt Save me, send for my doctotsi"
That's when I left the house and went outdoorsI sat
on a lawn chair and pulled out a paperback novel to
read. Bart was getting to me, leally getting to bbs. ft
was like living with Jekyll and Hyde. If he had to act,
why the heck didn't he choose some role better than a
lame old guy with a bad heart? ;; , / ;
"Jory, don't you care if I die?" Bart came put and
asked me.
"Nope." . .... , ,- ,,.,:. . ,
"You've never liked mel"
"I liked you better when you acted-your own, age."
"Would you believe Malcolm Neal Fbxworth is the
father of that lady next door, and she is my real
grandmother, trmy my own grandmother?"
"She told you that?"
"No. John Amos told me some, she told me more.
John Amos tells me lots of stuff. He told me Daddy
Paul and Daddy Chris werenot brothers,that my
momma only said that so We wouldn't find out herSin.
He says a man named Bartholomew ^mslbw w,S»s my
real daddy and he died ih a fire. Out mother seduced
him." ' : ..^1- .... -.",. /'- ....
Seducedt I gavehim a long searching look. "Op you
know what that word means'?"
''Nope--NrtIknpwB's'bad^rea/bad*''
"Do you love our mother?"
Worry tormented his dark eyes;. He satbeavily oflthe
ground and contemplated his sneakers. He should have
. . ' ' .; ' ' - S99
answered quickly, spontaneously. "Bart, dp me a big
favor andyourselftoo—g&into the house and tell Mont
and Dad what's bothering you. They*!! understand
anything. I know you think Mom loves me best, but it's
notso. She has room in her heart for ten children."
"Ten?" be screamed. "You mean Momma is gonna
adopt more?" He jumped up and ran then, haltingly, as
if pretending to be old had made him lose what little
agility he had. That hospital stay had robbed him of a>
great many tNags, in my opinion.
It was sneaky of me and not quite honorable, but 1
had to hear what Bart told our mother when they were
alone. She was on the back veranda. Cindy was on her
lap, dozing as Mom read a book. When Bart ran up she
quickly put the book down, then shifted Cindy onto a
nearby chair as Bart stood staring ^it her, mutely
pleading with his eyes.
Then, of all things, he asked, "What's your name?"
"You know my name," she said,
"Does it begin with a C?"
"Yes, of course it does." Now she looked disturbed?
''But—but—" he stumbled, "I know someone who
cries after you go away. Someone little like me who is
locked in closets and other scary places by his father,
who doesn't like him anymore. Once the fattier put him
m the attic for punishment. Big, dark,scary attic withi
mice and Spooky shadows andspidere everywhere.'' ;
She seemed to freeze, "^o told you aU of that?"!
"His stepmother had darkred hair until he found out
she was only his father's paramour."
Even from wheipe.I hid I eouht hear Momnu|
breathing hard and fast, as if that small boy she lifted
on her lap had suddenly turned dangerous. "Darling,
you don't know what a paramour is, do you?"
He stared ahead into space. "There was a lady
slender and fair who bad red in her dark-dark hair. And
she wasn*t even married to his father who didn't care
what he did, how he cried, or even if he died."
Her lips trembled, but she forced a smite. "Bart, I
believe yOu have some poet in you. AH that has a
cadence, and it rhymes too."
He scowled, turning dark burning eyes on her. "I
despise poets, artiste, musicians, dancers!"
She shivered, and I can't say I blamed her. He scared
me too. "Bart, I have to ask you this, and youwist give
me a truthful answer. Remember, no matter what you
say you won't be punished. Did you hurt Clover?'*
"Clover done gone away, Wbn*t come back to live in
my doghouse now."
She pushed him away then and quickly got up to
leave the patio. Then she remembered Cindy and
rushed back to pick her up. None of what she did made
me feel better as Iwatched Barfs eyes.

as always, soon after one of his mean "attacks,"
Bart grew tired and sleepy and went to bed without his
dinner. My mother smiled, laughed and dressed to
attend a formal celebration in honor erf my father, who
had been voted chief-of-staff of his hospital. I stood at
the window and watched Dad lead her proudly to his
cm. ,: - :-i.:. „ : ,. -; - ---..i1.1^ ^' .'^
Late, way after two,! beard them come in. I had yet
to fall asleep, and I could hear their conversation in the
living room.
"Chris, I don't understand Bart at all, the way he
talks,the wayhe moves, or even how he loots.: I feel
afraid of nay own son, and that's sick." i
"Come now, darting," he said with his amnabout her
shoaMers»"r think you exaggerate. Bart will grow up
to be agieat actor if he keeps this up."
**C3^,tfcS^sbn^lii(nerhs^ fevers teavte a child
161
with brain damage. Did the fever destroy part of hi
brain?"
"Look, Cathy, Bart tested out just fine. Don't g
getting notions just because we gave him that test. A
high fever patients have to undergo such examini
tions." . , ; , ,: ..' • ,' .'.' .
"But did you find anything unusual?" she persistec
"No," Dad said firmly, "he's just an ordinary litd
boy with lots of emotional problems, and we, if anyon
can, should understand what he's going through."
What did that mean?; ^
. "But Bart has everything! He isn't growing up as w
did. He should be happy. Don't we do everything w
can?"
"Yes, but sometimes even that isn't enough, Eac
child is different, each has, different needs. Obviousl
we are not giving Bart what he needs." .
Mom was given to hot quick answers. Yet she sat or
silent and still, as I waited for more information. Da
wanted her to go to bed immediately, which was eas
enough to see from the way he kissed her neck. But sh
was deep in thought. Her eyes were fixed on her silve
sandals as she spoke of how Ctover had died.
"It couldn't have beenBart," she said stewiy, as'ift
convince herself as wefl as Dad. "It bad to be som
sadist who tortures animals—you know how we tea
that the animals in the zoo were being crippled? One <
them must have seen Clover," and her voice died awa

didn't already know? I knew they had some terrible
secret. 1 crawled away, then raced to my room and
threw myself on my bed. Something awful was wrong
with our lives, I feltit in my bones---and Bart must have
sensed it in his too.

The Snake

Sun and fog were playing games, keeping each other
company. I bad to sit alone in our garden. For fun I
stared down at the thick scabs on myknee;'I'd been
warned by Daddy not to pick them off or they'd leave
scars--but who cared about scars? I beganto carefully
lift the edges of the crust just to see what was
underneath. I didn't see a darn thing, but-red, tender-
looking flesh, ready to bleed again.
Sun woo the game in the sky and shone hot on my
head. Almost heard my brains frying. Didn't want fried
brains. I moved to the shade.
Now my head was aching. I bit down on my lower lip
hard enough to draw blood. Didn't hurt but later it
would swefl upso bigMomma would have to feet
worrited. That would be good. She should be worried
about what was happening to me.
Used tobe Momma's little boy who got lots of
attention until that dratted little girl came to take my
place. Soon Momma and Jory would return from ballet
class. That's all they cared about---dancing and Cindy. I
knew about the important things in life, what realty
counted most--money. Having lots of it, thea you
a»
didn't have to think about needing it or bow to get
John Amos and Malcolm's book had taught me tha
"Bart," said Emma, who'd stolen up behind n
"I'm so sorry you missed your birthday trip to Dism
land. To make up for that I've made you a tit
birthday cake of your very own." She held in her hac
a tiny cake with one candle in the middle of I
chocolate. Was not just one year old! I struck that ea
from her hands so it fell to the ground, She cried 01
looking hurt enough to cry as she backed off. "Tl
wasn't very grateful, or very kind," tshe said in a chok
way. "Bart, why do you have to act so ugly? We all <
to do our best."
I stuck out my tongue. She sighed and left me aloi
Later Emma came out again with that bratty girl
her arms. Wasn't my sister, Didn'twant any sister. 11
behind a tree and peeked around. Emma put Gindy
the plastic swimnang pool. She began to tack a
splash the shallow water. Dumb, dumb, dumb .
couldn't even swim. See how Emma laughed a
en joyed all her baby-doings when I could stand on i
head. If I sat in that pool and splashed with my nan
and feet she wouldn't think it was cute,
I waited for Emma tp go away, but she pulled u
chair, sat down and began toshell peas. Plop, pic
plop went the green peas into the blue bowl, ^That's
dearie," Emma encouraged Ciady. "Splash the wat»
tack your pretty legs, flap your sweet arms and ma
your limbs strong so soon yotfB be swiaaaBing<"
I watched and waited, each pea she shelled telling i
that soon Emma would have to get up and go into t
kitchen. Cindy would be left alone. All atone. And s
couldn't swim. Cats crouched down low like me wh
theywantedto catch a bird. Wish I had a tail to swis
The last green pea fell. Emma rose to leave. 2 tens
my muscles. Just then Momma drove up in her brif
red car, and pulled to a stop by the garage. Enu

Wk ' '
waited to say hello. First it was Jory bounding over the
lawn. "?, Emma!" he called. "What's for dinner?"
"'You'll lifee my dinner no matter what," answered
Emma, all grins for him, her handsome darling. Not
like she treated me--the brat! "As for Bart," she went
on, "I know he'll hate the peas, the vegetable casserole,
the lamb chops and the dessert. Lord knows that
boy is hard to please."
Momma stopped to talk to Emma like she wasn't a.
servant, then she ran to play with Cindy, kissing and
hugging her as if she hadn't seen the dummy in tea
years. "Mom," sang opt Jory, "why don't we both put
on swim suits and join Cindy in her pool?"
"I'll race you to the house, Jory!" agreed Momma,
and off they ran like little kids.
"Now you be & good little girl and keep on playing
with your rubber ducky and boat," said Emma to
Cindy. "Emma will be right back,"
My head liftedbefore I began to wiggle on my belly
on the ground. The brat in the pool stood up and took
off her bathing suit. Stark naked and bold she hurled
her wet suit at me, then teased and laughed and
tormented me with her bare flesh. Then, asif bored
with my reaction, she sat again in the shallow water and
stared down at herself with a secret little smile,
Wicked! Shameless! Imagine her showing her private
parts tome. I
Mothers should treat their daughters how to act,
decent, ploper, modest.My mother was^ just like
Corrine, whom John Amos had said was weak and
never punished her children enough. "Yes, Bart, your
grandmother ruined her children, and now they live in
sin and flaunt God and his moral natesF* ;
I guess it was up to me to teach Cindy a lesson about
modesty and shame. Forward I wiggled. Now I had her
attention. Her blue eyes opened wide. Her rosy full lips
parted. At first she seemed happy that finally I was
Nd
gonna play kiddy games with her. Then, sometl
wise putfright in, her eyes. She froze and made.
think of a timid rabbit scared by a vicious snake. Sni
Much better to be a snake than a cat. Snake in '
Garden of Eden doing unto Eve what shoulAhave h
done in the beginning. Lo, said the Lord when he s
Eve in her nakedness, go 'fortti from Eden and let
world hurl their stones.
Hissing and nicking my tongue in and out, I ed
closer. Was the Lord who spoke and I who obej
Wicked mother who refused to punish had made;
what I was, an evB snake wilting to do the Lei
bidding, even if it wasnt my own way.
I triedtoflatten ray head with willpower and mat
small, flat and reptilenke. Tears came toCindy's ht
scared eyes,and she began to bawl as she tried
Wiggle over the rounded rim-of the wading pool,'
water wasn't deep enough fora little g?ri to drown in
else EmmaWouldn't have left her alone.
But. „. if a 1x»a constrictor from Brazil was on
loose--what chance did a two-year-old have?
I wiggled over the side and squirmed in the wa
She screamed, "Ban-tie! Go^way, Ban-tie!"
"Hsss. . . ssss," I went. My S's longer than .t
Amos's. I coiled my body around her small naked
.and hooked my legs under tier neck, dragging her d<
into the .water. Couldn't really drown, but the JL
above Iwd to warn those who sinned, yd seen pa
snakes unhinge their jaws on Ty. I tried to unhi
nune. Th^looBid swallow Cindy whole.
All of a sudden another snake had me! I yelped
released my grip on Cindy to keep from drowning ,
Of being eaten alive'. Lord, why hast thou forsaken i
"What (he Devil dp youthudc; you're doing?" ye
Jory, red with rage as he shook me until my h
rolled. "I ^wtghed »«»B(A^ggte yow way along to
M8
what you had in mind. Bart--did you try'to dtelA
Cindy?" . / ' - ^..;.-1
"Noi" I gasped. "Just punishing her a litt!e,.aot
much." /
"Yeah," he Sneered, "like you punished Clover a
little;"-. .. - 1 .. ' : . - - ;- ''
"Never did nothing to Clover. I take good care of
Apple. I am not a bad boy . . . I'm not, hot, not."
"Why are you crying if you are so innocent? 'You
killedhinrfT see ft in your eyes'"
I glared hard at Jory, fury washing over me. "You
hate me? I know you do!" I lunged forward and tried to
hit him. Couldn't. I towered my head, backed up and
ran forward to butt him squarely in the stomach. Down
he went, all doubled over, crying out from the pain.
Before he could kill me, I kicked him but didn't know it
would end up where it did. My aim was never good.
Gee-.-thacmusthurtalot.
"Unfair to kick in the groin," hegroaned, his face so
paleheseemedontheedgeofa faint. "That's dirty
fighting, Bart. Gross, too."
Meanwhile Cindy had recovered enough to scramble
from the pool, and she tottered off naked toward the
house, howling at the top of; her lungs,
"Wicked sinful giril" I screamed; "AH this 1s her
faulrtIfcrfauM"
From the back door Emma came on the run, her
white apron fluttering, her bands covered with flour,
She was closely followed by Momma, wbo-had put on a
skimpy; blue bikini. "Bart, what have you done?"
screamed- Momma. She swept Ciody up in her arms,
then swooped to pick up a towel Emma had dropped.
"Mommy," setbbedCindy. "Big snake came ... big
snakel"-1 .- ,. i,.,1 '11- ' - . - ^''
Why, imagine that. She'd known what I was. Not so
dumb after all. Momma wrapped toe towel about
Wl
Cindy and stood her on the ground. She glared at n
just as I had my foot raised to kick Jory, who w
panting with pain. "Bart. . . if youdare tokick Jo:
again, youWdll regret it!"
Emma glared at me with hatred. I looked from 01
to the other. Everybody hated me, would be glad to a me in my grave.
Sore aod full of pain, .lory tried to rise, not I
graceful now. Just as awkward as me. He wasn't;
handsome now. Still he could shouts "You're era?
Bart! Crazy as a loon1."
"Bart, don't you dare throw that stone at yw
brother!" cried Momma when she saw me swoop ;
pickup^ne. .... ... ., . ^,....
"You dreadful boy! Don't you throw that!" scream<
Enuna. , .,; ,.^ ^.-..- , ,. . ..- . ... ., .;.
I whipped around and ran to pound on Emma wi'
my fists. "You stop calling me names" I yelled. "I'
not dreadful' Pm not bad!"
Momma raced toward me and grabbed me and thre
me down. "Don't you ever throw another stone as loi
as you live, or use your fists on another woman
Momma shouted as she pinned my shoulders to tl
ground. '
Red rage entered my mind, leaking me see ner as je
women with "beguiling" curves and' wfles. Malspl
knew about them all, told everything about how he
wanted to pound an their breasts flat. I filled my eyi
with Malcolm's malicious hatred, arid it workci
Momma trembled as she held me'down; "Bart, wha(
wrong with you? You don't know what you're saying <
doing. You doK't even look like yourself."
Ibaredniyteethasiftobiteher--tiien I tried to.Sl
capped mti/haid, repeatedly, until I began to cry.
"You go up into the attic and stay there, Ba
^ffield, until I come up and see what has to be dot
tosetyoustraightr' . - ,., ./,-;; ^.^
HB
Scary in the attic. I sat on the edge of one of those
little beds and waited for hereto come in. She'd never
spanked me. A few slaps besides the ones on my face
today were all the punishment I'd had up until now . ,.
and now she was doing to me just what lad been done
to Malcolm. I was just like Malcolm. ;; }
Thei-door into the attic opened and I heard her
climbing the steep,naaow stairs. Her mouth was setin
a grim line as she towered above me, staring downward,
as if forcing herself to look at me. I never thought
she could look so mean. ;. u
"Pulldown your pants, Bart."
"No(" ' . / . ;.':^--
"Do as I say or your punishment will be much
worse." , . . .: ;.'1: ;: ; '' :.-' ^" "No!
You can't hurt me. You lay one hand on me and
I'll wait until you're in your ole ballet class and then I'll
get CSndy--and Emma won't be able to stop me! I can
be in a thousand places before she can move to
one--and the poncewon't put me in jail because I'm a
minor!" ;
"Bart, I'm losing patience with you."
"That won't beall you'll toseri if you hit BBe!" I
bellowed, 'rt?5
She paused three feet from where I sat on the bed.
Her small pale hands rose to her throat and she said
quietly,"Oh, God..."and it was fust a hoarse
whisper. "I should have known a child conceived under
such circumstances would turn out like this. Bart, I'm
so sorry your son is a monster." i l
A monster? Was la iBonster?;
Noi---8He was the monster! She was doing tome Just
what Malcolm's mother had done, the cause oS him
beingput in the attic and punished. I hated her then,
just asivaaeh as I'd lowed; h^rbefore* ; : . ^
I screamed it out: "I hate'^u, M<Mima! I hope y®a
drop-deadi"'1-^.-". V ;:.; : tf:;- i^i^^..;'.^,/^^'.
^».
That's when she backed away, tears in her eyes. Then']
she turned and ran; Butbefore sterwent down the stairs 1
she- locked the door to keep me up in that miserable dry
attic that I hated and feared. She was gonna make me
strong like Malcolm, and mean too. Someday she'd ;
pay. I'd make her 'j^ ftir doiag this to reey-when I 3
wanted to be»gQocl;'sadwanted her <®ilove-me':5ust a >
Httte moreithaaGindyoriJibry. t began t® cry. ^Nothing
everworkeA^outthe')8Kay;.t'wanted i^'to...y-;l^,^";::; --^
; iti»as;Daddy wBO^»anl^Ayibai'elx»o(n^arterhe |
came home and heard all they had to tell him about me. |
I admired him for ignoring the way I pleaded and j
apologized.
"Did you feel any of that?" he asked when he was
finished, and I pulled up my pants. ;
I smiled. "No. To hurt me you gotta break my bones; ,
and then the ponce would throw you in, ^ail for child ;
abuse," He studied me with those stern blue eyes; "You
think you have the best of us, don't you?" he asked in
his calm, rational way. "You ithhik because you are a
minor there is no law that can touch you, but you are ,
wrong, Bart. We live in a civilized society where people
are expected to conform to the rules. No one is ever
beyond the control of the law, even the President, And ;
one of the worst punishments for a child to endure is
being locked away so he cannot come andgo at his own
free will." He looked sad then. "That can be a very ',
traumatic experience." ::.- .,..--^ ^1-' --': ^ ..- ,:
I didn't say anything. He spoke again. "Your mother
and I have decided we ..can no longer tolerate your
behavior. So as soon ^s i can' arrange it, you will go
once Xday toa psychiafirist. If we have to^ifympei'sist
in defying us, we will leave youm Ae.care ofdoctors
who can Wp'yoa to'teatn how to behave noBtnatty."
"You can't make me," I gasped, terrified some
shrink would have melocked away behind bars forever.
"If ywk tey aad fiHMeiBe,rU IdB myself!" ^ , <
UO
He Soaked at toe sternly. "Bart, you won't kill
yourself. So don't you sit there and think you can
outwit your mother or me. Your mother and I have
faced up to bigger and better tbari a ten-year-old
boy--remember that."
'Later that evening? when I wasi ni my bed, I heatd
Momma and Daddy really yelling at each other, veiling
, like I^-never teard^them^befiafer''' :: ''11;.1:1 "'^..^^^
"Why did yew send Bart into the attfe, Catherine?
Did you have to do that'? Ooufctnt you ^ust have
ordered him tbstayfe hi^Tebm and wait until Icame
home?"'' -- : 1 - '1- l'- - ^ '-'- 1
"No! He nfaes being in his room. He has everything
in there to make it a pleasant place tobe--and as you
know wen, the attic is not pleasant. I did what I had
to," .-, ^ - ,{ . / 1- -'', 1-1''-' . ' . ' '-':
"What you had to? Cathy--do you realiz® whbyou
soundMke?"
"WeH," she said with ice in her voice, "haven't I
been telling you alt along that's what I am--a bitch who
cares only about herself?"

They took me to a shrink the very-next day, shoved
me down in a chair and told me tostay taere."They sat
beside me tintil a doOr opened arid we were called
inside. A woman doctor was behind a big desk. At least
they could have chosen a man. I hated her because her
hair was slick and black like Madame Marisha's hair
when she was youog and pa>sing for pictures. Her white
blouse bulged in front so I bad K> turn my eyesaway.'
"Dr. Shetteld, you aBdyowir wife cas^wait i^uteide,
we will talk later," I watched my parents go out the
doori Neverhad IfeR so all alone as ^hen that woman
turaedtemeandlooltedme^^^^^
that were hiding mean thoughts. "Yoa dott't want to be
here» ^db you?" s&e asked. I wouldn't give her the
/, I ' " ' I Wii^
satisfaction of letting her know I heard. "My nan|
Dr.MaryObennan." '.. - ^
So what? , . . , ... .. . ... <|
"There are toys over on that table. . . help ^
.self." . , .. ^ . ^ .' ' . ^ ... -y-,. ,..,-. ^
Ibys:. »^Iwasn'ta^aby.|[^a^ather.Sheti^
her head and I knew she was uncomfortable, tho
trying not to let it show, "Your parents have told
you like to play pretend, games. Is that because^
don't have enough playa»ates?", i
Didn't have any. But dara.if that idiot womaa|
gonna know. I'd be a fool to tell her John Amos wa^
best friend I had. Once it had been my grandmotj
but she Aad betrayed me. , >
"Bart, you can sit there and besilent, but you s.
succeed in hurting those who love you most, and,
are hurt more than anyone else. Your parents wan
help you. That's why they brought you here. You h
to cooperate and try. Tell me if you're happy. leU n
you feel frustrated, and if you Uke the way your la
going."
Wouldn't say yes, wouldn't say no. Wouldn't
anything and she couldn't make me. Then she tat
about people who kept themselves locked up, and 1
that could ruin them emotionally. All .her words «
like rain on the windowpane I made myself into.
"Do you hate your mother and faither?"
Wouldn't answer. ;
"Yourbrc^ber.,ikffy,dpyouukelym?"^
Juay was ,okay» He'd he better if he was moreclui
than, TOe^.an^.ug^. too,". ^. "... ^..- ,--,,,^, ,'
"Youradoptied .sister Cindy ... what do you ^
.of^er^ 1 .,^,^,.-, -,^ ,,. - ' -,,; .^ ...;.,
Maybe my eyes told her something, for she scribt
away on her notepad. "Bart," she began when she
her pen aside,^ her face .trying to^lopk motherly
kind, "if jiou Tefuse, ,to, cooperate, we ,wUl have
W
choice but to put you'in a hospital where many doctors
can try to help you regain control of your emotions.
You won't be mistreated, but it won't be as nice as
being at home. You won't have your own room, your
own things, your own parentsexceptonce aweekfor an
hour. So don't you think it would be much nicer to try
and helpyourself before this goes any further? What is
it that changed you from the boy you were last
summer?"
Didn't want ?t0 be locked in some crazy house with
lots of nuts who might be bigger and meaner than me,
and I wouldn't be able to visit John Amds and Apple.
What could 1 do? I remembered words from Mal
colm's book, ;aattBow he made^peopte thirik he was
"giving in," allthe time goingNs own way.
I'd cry, I'd say how sorry I was, and whefi I did this,
even I thought I was sincere. I said, "It's Momma . .',
she loves Jory more than me. She loves Cindy better
too. I don't have anybody. I hate not having anybody."
It went on and on. Even after I really blabbed, she
told my parents I'd have to continue seeing her for a
year or more. "He's a very confused little> boy." She
smiled and touched my mother's shoulder. "Don't
blame yourself. Bart seems programmed for self-
loathing, and though he might seem to hate you for not
loving him enough, be doesn't like himself. Therefore
he believes anyone who does love him is a big fooL It's
a sickness all right. As real as any physical disease, and
worse in many ways, for Bart cannot find himself."
I was hiding, eavesdropping, surprised to hear her
say what she did. '
"He loves you, Mrs. Sheffield, with a love almost
religious. Therefore he expects you to be perfect, at the
same time knowing he is unworthy of your attention;
and still, paradoxically, he wants you to see him and'
acknowledge him as the best son you have."
"But I don't understand," said Momma, leaning her
: : • 1^
head on Daddy's shoulder. "How can he love me an
want to hurt me so much?"
"Human nature is very complex. Your son is ver
complex. The good and the bad are fighting to dom
nate his personality. He is unconsciously aware of thi
battle and has found a, very intriguing solution. H
identifies the evil side of himself as an old man he'
named Malcolm. Just another of the many charactel
who enable him to BIce himself better."
Both my parents sat very still with wide eyes, lookin
sort of helpless.
Hours later, before I said my bedtime prayers,':
crept down the long hall and listened outside m
parents' bedroom. Momma was saying, "It's, as if w
will always be in the attic and never/never set ftee."
What did the attic have to do with Malcolm and me
Was it only because both of us had been sent up ther
for punishment?. ;
On my hands and knees I stole away down the hal!
crept into my .bed and lay there quietly, scared c
myself and my "subconscious."
Beneath my pillow was Malcohrfs journal, which
was absorbing day by day, night by night. Growin
stronger, and smarter. ;;

W

Gatb^rlx^Dafto

In the living room the next evening, Mom and Dad
settled down lE»efore the fire I'd kindled. Bargotten by
them because I said so little,! crouched down on the
floor near the doorway, hoping they wouldn't see me
there, and they'd thtnilc I'd .gone away as I shouldLhaye.
I didn*t feel good about deliberately deceiving [them,
but sometimes it was better to know for certain than to
keep on guessing.
At first Mom didn't say anything much, then she
brought up the visit to Dr. Obennan. "Bait hates me,
Chris. He hates you too, and fory, and Cindy. I think
he's got Emma on his list too, but more than anyone,
it's me he despises. He resents me for not loving him
exclusively." He puBed her closer to his chest and held
her there as on and on they talked. When they
mentioned slipping into Bart's bedroom and seeing if
he was there, I quickly scurried into a nearby closet and
waited for them to pass on to Bart's room.
"Has he eaten dmner?" asked Dad.
"N®." She 'said this like she wanted him to slay
asleep so she could avoid the problemhe was when
awake. But justthem^ being there, staring down alhfal,
brought Bart out of his nap, and without a word in
response to their affectionate greetings, be followed
them into the dining room. Meals had to be eaten, even
, - " , '. ' . vm
when a ten-year-old boy sat silent and scowling
refusing to meet anyone's eyes.
It was a terribly awkward meal, with no one comfon
able. Appetites were small, and even Cindy was cross
Emma didn't speak either, only performed her dutk
silently. Even the wind that blew incessantly died dow
and the trees stood still, their leaves hanging as
'frozen. All of a sudden it felt so cold, making me thin
of the graves Bart was always talking about.
I sat wondering how Mom and Dad could force Bai
to go to Dr. Oberman's sessions. How could anyon
force him to talk when he could be so dam stubborn
And Dad was busy enough without taking time from hi
patients—-that alone should show Bart yfbo care
enough.
"Going to bed now," said Bart coldly, standin
without asking permission to leave the table. He lei
the dining room. We sat on, caught in some kind c
spell Bart had cast;
Dad broke the silence. "Bart isn't himself. Obviousl
something is bothering him so much he can't even eai
We have to find out what it is."
"Mom»" I said, "I think if you went in and sat o
Bart's bed first tonight, and stayed a long time wit
him, and didn't come in to my, room or Cindy's, tbi
might make up for a lot,"
She gave me a strange, long look, as if not believin
it could be that simple. Dad agreed with me, saying
wouldn't do any harm,
Bart was faking sleep, it was easy to see that.
backed away and stood near Dad in the hallway, in th
shadow? where Bart couldn't see us. I was ready t
spring forward and save Mom if Bart turned mean. Da
kept a restraining hand on my shoulder, and whispere
softly, "He's just a boy, Jory, a. very troubled little boj
A bit smaller than most ten-year-old boys, a bit thinne
179
too, and maybe that's part of tSas probteai. Bait is
having more trouble growing up than most boys do."
"tensing, I waited for hi® to saymore. "It's amazing
how he could be born with so little grace, when his
mother has so much."* t ;
I looked to where Mom stood gazing down obBart,
who toofced daatly suBeB in steep--if hewas asleep.
Then she came running from his room, throwing Dad a
wild. distraught look; t<C^,Nnia&aidofhimf^c?lg&
in. If he wakes up and yells at me as he did before, I'll
slap him. TO feel uke putting him in the closet, or up m
the attic." BothherliandsK^tocitan^Q^
mouth. "I didn't mean that," she whispered weakly.
"Of coarse you didn't. I hope W didn't hear you.
Cathy, I think you'd better take twoa^piiinsana go to
bed, and 111 tuck Bart and ^ryioto bed." He gave me
a big joking smile as I grinned back. Our nighttime
talks werethe land of tucfemgmMgawme . ,. advice
on how to handle difficult situations. Man-to-man stuff
a woman didn't have to knowabout,,
It was Dad who had the;nerye to approach Bart, and
he perched with ease on the side of his bed. I knew Bart
always slept ughtiy, .and when Dad sat down, the
depression he made rolled Bart^^g|htt j^u^ onto his
side. That would awaken even someone like me, who
used to sleep deeply and soundly, s
Cautiously I stole closer, wanting to see for myself if
Barf was faking. Behind his closed lids his eyeballs were
jerking spasmodically, as if he watched a tennis game
or something, much more terrifying.
"Bart.... wake, up." . .', 1-...^-^1;: .-::^: :.-':. ./
As if Dad had fired the words from agiant cannon
put near his ears, Bart jolted wide awake. He bolted
upright, his dark eyes bHJ|^^ and terrified. He stared
atDaA^N^1,.^ .:-."- . [ -.'; -- ^i.'.^ ^1.
"Son, IPs not eight o'ctock yet. Emma has made a
tyr
lemon pie for dessert that she had to leave in the fridj
to set. Don't tell me you don't want a slice^ It's
beautiful evening. I used to think, when I was your ag
that twilight was the best time of all to play outsid
Hide and seek, or red light, green light. . ."
Bart stared at Dad as if he spoke in a foreign tongu
"Come, Bart, don't sulk alone. I love you, and ye;
mother loves you. It doesn't matter if sometimes yt
move less than gracefully. There are other things th
count more, such as honor and respect. Stop trying
be what you aren't. You don't have to be anyoi
super-special; in our eyes, you already are supe
special."
Bart just sat: on his bed and stared at Dad wi
hostility. Why couldn't Dad see him as I did? Could
man as smart as Dad be blind when it came to seen
his son honestly7 Had Bart opened his eyes when Mo
was in the room, and had she seen the hatred then
She could always see more than Dad, even if he was
doctor. "Summer's
almost gone, Bart. Lemon pies get eata
by others. What you don't take today may not be the
tdmorraw."
Why was he being so nice to that boy who looked
him with daggers thatDomdiaHt
Obediently, when Dad turned to leave the root
Bart tagged along behind him. I was Bart's unse<
shadow. Suddenly Bart ran ahead'of Dad, who was <
the back porch now, and skipped backwards until 1
nearly tumbled down the steps. "You aren't my t
ther," he growled, "and you can't foot me. You ha
me and want me deadP*
Heavily Dad sat in a chair close to the one whe
Mom was sitting with Cindy on her lap. Bart went
the swings to sit, not pushing with his feet, just sittfe
and holding fast to the ropes, as if he might fall off tl
woodenslat. ;
m
Weall ate a slice of Emma's delicious lemon pie, alt
but Bait, who just sat where he was and refused to
budge. Then Dad was getting up and saying he had to
check on a patient in the hospital. He threw Bait a
worried glance and spoke softly to Mom. "Take it easy,
darling. Stop looking so troubled. I'll be home soon.
Maybe Mary Oberman isn't the best psychiatrist for
Bart. He seems to have a great deal of hostility toward
women. I'll findanother psychiatrist, a man." He
leaned to kiss her upturned face. I heard the soft moist
sound of their lips meeting. Then they stared deep into
each other's eyesaod I wondered what they saw."I
love you, Catliy. Please stop worrying. Everything wilt
work out fine; We will all survive," '
"Yes," shesaid dully, throwing Bart a doubtful took,
"but I can't help worrying about Bart. . . beseems so
confuseda" -,rf'. ', ^^ '-''-'^ - :.",1;'1^"?';.^
Straightening, Dad cast Bart a long, hard, observant
look. "Yes," he said without doubt. "Bart's a sunwor
too. See how fast he clings to the a&pes, and he's less
than two feet from the ground. He just doesn't trust or
believe in himself. I think he seeks strength in pretending
to be older and wiser; security is in something other
than himself. As a ten-year-old boy, he is lost. So it's up
to us to find the right person to help him, even though it
seems we cannot." ;
"Drive carefully," she said, as she always did
watching him depart with her heart in her eyes.
Very determined to stay up and protect Mom and
Cindy, I sfill found myself growing sleepy. Every Urae I
checked I saw Bart still on the swing, his dark eyet
staring blankly into space, as very gently he moved the
swing an inch or so, no mole than the wind could blow
his weight. ::.;-. , ,.:1- .-1-'' . i:" - '". '
"I'm going to pot CSindy to bed now, fcry,"Mbm
said to me, then catted to Bart, "Bedtime ','fl FU be4tf
to see yon in a few minutes. Cleaa your teeth and wash
W
your hands and face. W&sawed you a slice of lemon pie
to eat before you brush your teeth."
Noreply4rom the swing, but he did get up awkwardly,
pausing to glance at his bare feet, stopping to
stare at his hands, to finger his pajamas, to glance up at
the sky, at the distant hills.
Inside the house Bart wandered aimlessly from
<^jecttoob^;piclc^oi»»^^
staring at the bottom before he set it down. A small
Venetian glass sailboat held hisattention fora moment,
and then he seemed to freeze as his eyes found a lovely
porcelain ballerina in arabesque position. It wasa
figurine my mom had given to Diti. fwal.after she
married my father; in many ways the dancer was like
Mom must have looked when she was very young.
Gingerly he picked up the delicate figure with its
fluffy frozen froth of lace tutu and frail, pale armsand
legs. He turned it over, stared at the information
printed on the bottomw Limoges, it said, for I'd read it
too. Next he touched the golden hair, parted in the
middle and drawn softly back in waves and held in
place with pink china roses. ;;. },-^ .,--'Then
deliberately he let it slip from his bands, i
fc feB> to the bare floor and broke into several la%e ^
pieces. I dashed forward, thinking I could glue them
back together and maybe Mom wouldn't notice--but
Bas^t put his foot on the ballerina's head and ground it
fiercely with his barefoot. ^^ l;.'fc,..^ .,:-:lyl^:...^
^Barti" I cried out, "that wag a hateful thing to do!
You know mother prizes that more than anything else.
'Ifotti-SHOUlda't have.".--- - ^-: .^.' tr^ - :; .;-<.,.;;
"Don't tell me what I shouldn't and should do! You
leave me alone and say nothing about what you just
saw. It, was an accident, froy, an accident." <|
; Whose wxtce |^|t^^NotBart^I^
iBg.to-be'tBat'ieS^JBftlragMB,.-..;:'1 1"';. :^-} ..^1.";!1'.^:.:|
} l-Ktt^fiafcit^ilii^Stort^ dustpan to cteafa ttp^ASel
180
shards of what had been a lovely ballerina, hoping
Mom wouldn't notice she was missing from the shelf.
When I remembered Bart again, I hurried to find him
slyly watching Mom as she held Gndy on her lap,
brushing tier hair:
Mom glanced up and happened to catch Bart watch
ing. I saw her blanch and try to smile, but something
she saw made her smile fade before it evenShone.
In a flashing streak Bart ran forward and shoved
Cindy from Mom's lap. Cindy squealed as she fell on
the floor-—then jumped up to howl. She raced to Mom,
who picked her up again, then rose to tower over Bart.
"Bart, why did you do that?"
He spread his legs and stared up into her face
scornfully. Then he-left the room without looking back.
"Mom," I said, as she calmed Cindy down and put
her into bed, "Barf s very sick i& his bead. You let Dad
take him to any shrink he wants, but make him stay
there until he's well."
I heard her sob, but it wasn't until later that she
broke and cried.
This tune it was me who held her; my arms that gave
her comfort I felt so adult and responsible.
"Jory, Jory," she sobbed, clinging fast to me, "why
does Bart hate me? What have I done?"
What could I say? I didn't know any of the answers.
"Maybe you should try to figure out why Bart is so
different from me, for I would die rather than make you
unhappy."
She held me, then stared into space. "Jory, my life
has been a series of obstacles. I feel if one more
horrible thing happens, I may break . . . and I cant
allow that to happen. People are so complicated, Jory,
especially adults. When I was ten, I used to think that
adults had it so easy, with aB the power and rights to do
as they wanted. I never guessed being a parent was so
daicBlt.Butnoryou.darBng.w^^BM';?."
Wt
Malcolm's Rage

Sunlight fell on my face and woke me up. When I was
dressed, suddenly I didn't feel so old like Malcolm, and
in a way I was glad. to another way I was sad, for
Malcolm was so dependable.
Why didn't I have friends my own age, like other
boys? Why was it paly old people liked me? It didn't
matter now that my grandmother had said she loved
me, now that she'dstolen Apple. I had to face up to the
fact that only John Amos was my true friend.
Went outside and crawled around before breakfast,
sniffed at the ground, smelled the wild things that were
scared of me in daylight. Little rabbit ran like crazy and
I wouldn't hurt it, wouldn't.
They kept watching me at the breakfast table like
they expected me to do something awful. I noticed that
Daddy didn't ask Jory how he was today, only asked
me. I scowled down at my cold cereal. Hated raisins!
Looked like little dead bugs. ^
"Bart, I |ust asked you a question." ^
Knew that already. "I'm okay," I said withoul
looking at Daddy, who always woke up in a good mood
and never looked glum like me--and Momma. "I just
wish you'd hire a really good cook. Or better if Momma
would stay home and cook our meals like otnei
mothers. Emma's stuff ain't fit for man nor beast tfli
Jary stared at me hard and kicked my leg under the
table like he was trying to warn me to keep my mouth
shut.1 . :. : . ... . . - , ,:
"Emma didn't cook your cold cereal, Bart," said
Daddy. "It comes that way m a box. And until this
morning you always liked plenty of raisins. You used to
want Jory's. But if raisins offend you in some way this
morning, don't eat them. And why is your lower lip
bleedingy - . - .. .. - . . :- -; -. . --.:.,.
Was it? Doctors were always seeing blood 'cause they
were always cutting up people,
Jory took it on hhnsetf to-answer. "He was playing
wolf thfe morning. Dad,thafsall. I guess when he
jumped at the rabbit and tried to bite off its head, he bit
himself." He grinned at me as if pleased with my
stupidity;^ - :, . . .; - ,.- ' .<.-. ..;-;-:. ;...^1^'
Something was up. Could tell because nobody asked
why I would gtey wolf. They just^looked at me as if they
expected me to act crazy... - ": - ^ .
Heard Momma and Daddy whispering beyond the
pantry--talking about me. Heard doctors mentioned,
new bead shrinks. Wouldn't go! Couldn't make me!
Then Mom was back in the kitchen talking to Jory as
Daddy went on to the garage and started his car.
"Mom, are we really going through with the performance
tonight?" :
She threw me a troubled glance, then forced a smite
and said, "Of course. I can't disappoint my students,
then- parents and the other guests who have already
bought their tickets,"
Fools and their money were soon parted.
Jory said, "I think I'H caB Melodie. Yesterfay I told
her the show might be canceled.'^ :
"J6ry»way would you tell her that?"
He looked at me, as if I were to blame for e¥erythmg, even .shows that weren't canceled--and I
wouldn't go. Not even if they remembered to ask me.
Didn't want to see no sissy-alty ballet where everybody
danced and said nothing. They weren't even going to
dance Swan Lake, but the dumbest, dullest ballet of
aU--Coppelia.
Daddy came back in the house then, having forgotten
something as usual. "I guessyau'll be the prince,"
hesaid to fcryy who turned oa him with scorn.
"Gosh, Dad, don't you ever learn? There isn't a
prince in Coppelia! Most of the time I'm orfy in the
corps, bat Mom will be terrific in her role. She's
ehoreographed it herself."
"What are you saying?" roared Daddy, turning to
glace at Momma. "Cathy, you know you're not supposed
to dance on your trick knee! You promised me
you would never dance professionally again. At any
moment that knee could give way.and down you'd go.
One more fall and you may end up crippled for life."
"Just one moiie'time/'ishe pleaded, as if her whole
.life depended on dancing again. "I'm going to be only
the mechanical doll, sitting in a chair--<fam't get so
worked up over nothing,"
"Nol"' he stormed again. "K you go on tonight and
don't fall, then you'll think your knee is fine. You'll
want to repeat your success, and one more time might
see your knee permanently damaged. Just one serious
fall and you could break your leg, your pelvis, your
back . . . it's happened before, you know that!"
"Name every bone in my body!" she shrilled back at
him, and I was thinking, thinking: if She broke her
bones andcouldn't dance again, then she'd have to stay
home with me an the time. ^
"Honestly, Chaos, some^nes you act lilee I'm youit|
slave! Look at me, I'm thirty-seven years old, and sooni
I'tt be too old to danceat all. Let me feel useful, as:yo«|
feel useful.1.1 have to'dance--fast one more time." |
"No," Be repeated, but less firmly. "If I give to ^
won't be the bat time. Yooll want to do it
M8
"Chris, I'mmot going to plead. There is not a student
I have capable of playing the role--«nd Tarn going on
whether or no( you likeit!" She threw me a glance, as if
she worried mow about what I thoaght than what he
thought. I was happy, very happy. . . for she was
going to fall! Deep inside of me I knew I could make
her fall with my wishes. I'dsitin the audience and
give her the evil eye; then'she'd be my playmate. I'd
teach her how tocrawl around and sniff the ground like
a dog or an Indian, and she'd be surprised at all that
could be found out from sniffing.
"lam not talkingpfatrifling iajiiry, Catherine,*'said
that hateful husband. "Att your life you bswe given
your joints a great deal of stress and disregarded the
pain. It's time you-started realizing that the good health
of your family depends on your well-being;."- ;
I scowled at Dad, sorry he'd forgotten something and
bad to come back and hew too much. Mama didn't
even seem surprised he'd 'forgotten.his waltet again,
and he was a doctor who wassupposed to have a good
memory. She gave him his wallet, which had been left
beside his breakfast plate, and smiled at him crookedly.
"You.do this every day. You go out to the garage, start
your car and then remember you dont have "your
wallet". -., -,-:. -- . ,- : ^--.-.:j ;--'1:.
His smile was just as crooked as hers. "Yes, of course
I da. It gives me the opportunity to come back and hear
all the things you don't tell me," He stuffed the wallet
in his hip pocket. ; :
"Chris, I don't like to go against your wishes, hut I
can't allow a second-race performance, and it's Jory's
big chance to show off in hissolo . . ." , .
"Boronce Biyourlife, Catherine, listen towbat isay.
That knee has been x-rayed, you know the cartilage is
broken, and you still complain of chronic pain. You
haven't danced on stage for years. Chronic pain is one
thing--acote paia another. Is that what you want?"

187

•Oh, you dbctoisf" she scoffed. "All of you have
such dreary notions of how frail the human body is. My
knee hurts, so what? AH my dancers complain of aches
and pains. When I was in South Carolina, the dancers
complained, in New York they complained, in London
... so what is pain to a dancer? Nothing, doctor,
absolutely nothing Ican't put up with."
"Catfiyr
"My knee has not hurt seriously in more than two
full years. Have you heard me gripe about pain? No,
you haven't!"
With that. Dad strode from the kitchen, through the
utility room, and on into thegarage.
In a flash she was running after him, and I was
running after her—hoping to hear more of this argu
ment—and hoping she'd win. Then I'd have her for my
very own. ... '..•-•. - ^ —..•.". ,.. .'.
"Chris," she cried, throwing open the passenger
door and slipping inside his car, where she threw her
arms about his neck. "Don'tgo away angry. I love you,
respect you, and vow on my word of honor that this will
be the very'last time I perform. I swear I win never,
never dance onstage again. I know why I should stay
home^..rknow..."
They kissed. Never saw people who liked to kiss so
much. Then she was puUing away and looking softly
into his eyes, stroking his cheek as she murmured:
"This is my first chance to dance professionally with
Julian's son, darling. Look at Jory, bow much he
resembles Julian. I've choreographed a special pas <fe
deux in which I'm the mechanical doll and Jory is a
mechanical soldier. It's the best thing I've ever done. I
want you out in the audience watching, feeling proud of
your wnie and son. I don't want you sitting there
worryingabout my knee. Honestly, I've rehearsed, and
ft'does not hart!"' • • •, ... ;•;-.,,.-..-..-. —.,... ——^
She stroked him and kissed him some more, and I
188 '-. . - .1
could see he loved her more than anything, more than
us, even more than himself. Bool! Damned fool to love
any woman that much! ? . :'
"All right," he said. "But this must be the last time.
Your knee cannot take years and yeais 01 practice.
Even in teaching you use that knee too much, so much
so that other joints could become impaired."
I watched her turn from him and leave the car, her
voice so 'sad when she spoke. "Yeais ago Madame
Marisha told me there would be no life for me without
dancing, and I denied this was so. Now I'm going to
have the chance to fiadout;." r -<.
Goodi -. .<,.<'.„--- ^ :;„.;,.,;-^;^---l'sl
Just the words he? needed to hear to make him come
up with a new idea. <He teanerf and ealted to hea?;
"Cathy, what about that book you said you twe going
to write? .This is: a good lane Sty start. ..i.^Bfegaaw me
a long look, and 1 felt fflse a clea» wmdowpane. "Bart,
remeaiber you aie;very?l@ved; Hyou-leel resentment
about anyone. Or anything, atliyouhavetodo ss tell me,
or tell^ your mother- We aEe? witling to fistea and do
what we can tOiiBakesyou happy-" ?
Happy? I'd be happy "only when Ae was gpne fcam
her life. Happy only when^l had her all- to myself---and
then I reniembeEed^that old ;H»nM. . two ofcl/meB.
Neither one of ^.theni iisanted.;- her'4o^stay aliiae;* . .
neither one. I wanted to be like them, especially like
Malcolm, so I pretended Ae was in the garage, waiting
forJ3Mtddy tQ^dr^^way»A^Mbeataaei»^jike^
whett>^.I,wsa&! atoBect-whea-lA^fi^-sadj^tonefy^ mean,
aHgiy^.^and^igihinow^^waSiSBBi^

No sooner had Momma and Jory dnyen away»
shortly after Oaddy left, theaJEjnma'wasaMne«again,
pestering me» hating me.'; ^ &- ^
'Ite^e^^ytluwipef^hafcbte^ftomyoia'^H^
SS6
you have to keep on biting down? Most people refra
ftom deliberately hurting themselves."
What did she know about being me? I didn't feel pa
when I chewed on my lip. Liked to taste the blood.
"I'll tell you one thing, Bartholomew Scott Winslo
Sheffield, if you were my little boy you'd feel the stii
of my hand on your, bottom. I believe you like
torment people and do every mean thing you can ju
to gain their attention. It doesn't take any psychiatri
withten diplomas to knowthat!"
"SHUT UP!" I yelled.
"Don't you dare yell and tell me to shut up. I've hi
all I am going to take from you! You are responsible fi
all the terrible things going on in this house. You brol
that expensive figurine your mother prized. I found it
the trashcan; wrapped in newspaper. You may sit the
and scowl at me with your black ugly eyes, but I'm n
.afraid. Yoa are the one who wrapped that wire arom
Clover and killed your brother's pet. You should 1
ashamed! You're a mean, hateful little boy, Ba
Sheffield, and it's no wonder you don't have ai
friends, no wonder atall! And I'm going to save yoi
parents thousands of collars when I turn you over n
knee and paddle your bottom until its black and blu
You won't sit comfortably "for twoweeks!^
She towered-overme, making me feel small ai
helpless too. I wanted to be anybody but me, anytxx
wba was strong. ' —;-•-'/.--,,'..,'•..}1./^ .•1:.'.- 11
"You toueh me and I'll kill yout" I said in a co
voice. 1 rose stiffly, planted my feet wide apart, put n
hands on the table to steady my balance. Inside I w,
boiling with rage. I knew now how to turn into Malcol
and be ruthless enough to get what I wanted, when
wanted. - . ••' • '• /- ; .: • ^ • •• ; •-'• • •'
ilfliokather.'afraid now. Now A^r eyes were big at
scared. I curled my upper-Hp and showed,-fl)^,,tee(
then allowed both lips to curl into a sneer. "Wwwr, g
180
the hett away from me beftwellose corttrol'of Myself
Silently, Enuna backed away, and then she was
running into the dining room, heading for the hall so
she could protect Cindy.

All day I waited. Emma thought I was hiding in my
hole in the shrubs, so she left Cindy alone in her
sandbox under the shade of a huge old oak tree. Had a
pretty little canopy too. Nothing too good for Ciady,
and she was only adopted.
She tittered when she saw me limping up, as if I
looked funny and was only pretending to be an old
man. Look at her smile and try to charm me.Sitting
there half naked, nothing on but little green and white
shorts. She'd grow up, become more beautiful and be
like all women, sinfully enticing men to be their worst.
And she'd betray the man who loved her, betray her
children too. But... bat. .. if she were ugty, what
man would want her then? Wouldn't mate babies if she
was ugly. Wouldn't be able to charm men then. I'd save
all her children from what she'd do later on. Save the
children, that was important.
"Barr-tee," she said, smiling at me, sitting crosslegged
so I couldsee her lacy panties beneath her play
shorts. "Hay» Barr-tee? Hay with Cindy . .. ?" /
Plump little hands reached for me. She was trying to
"seduce" me! Only two years old and a few months and
already she knew all the wicked ways of women.
"Cmdy," called Emma fromtekitchen, but t was
down low and she couldn't see me behind the bushes.
"are-you-^aB right?"1-'^."; '' - ^'1. -1-' -..^--;-^ '
"Cindy's playing sand castle!" answered little nobody,
as if to protect me.Tbea sate picked up her
favorite red sand pail and offered it to me--and die red
and-yeBow-Snwel'tao. 11^1' --,.;^ ";"- ,-^.:-'. .'- .
In my hand I gripped the haadle of my pocket
^VBtS.
Ibrife tighter, "Pretty Qndy," I crooned softly as I
crawled closer, putting a sweet smite on my lace that
made her giggle. "Pretty Cindy wants to play beauty
parlor. . ."
She clapped her hands. "Ohhh," she trilled. "Nice."
The blonde hair in my hand felt silky and clean. She
laughed when I tugged at her hair and took the ribbon
from the ponytail. "I'm not going to hurt you," I said,
showing her my pearl-handled knife. "So don't you
scream . . . just sit quietly in the beauty parlor until
I've finished."

in my room I had my Hst of new words. Had to
pronounce them, practice spelling them, and use them
at least five times in that same day--and from then on.
Had to know big words in order to impress people,
make them know I was smarter.
Intimidating. Got that----meant to make people
Seared of you.
" Ultimately---had that down too. Meant sooner or
later my time would come. ;
Sensuous--bad word. Meant thrills you got from
touching girls. Had to do away with sensuous things.
Grew tired after a short while of big words I had to
team in order to gain respect. Grew tired of pretending;
to be Malcolm. But the trouble was, I was losing the
real me. Now: I wasn't Bart all the way through. And
now that he was slipping away, suddenly Bart didn't
seem nearly as stupid and pitiful as he once had. 1
1 reread a certain page in Malcolm's book when he
was the very same age I was. He'd hated pretty ^)londe|
hair like his mother's, likeNs daughter's--but he didn't
know about his fittle "Con-ine" when he wrote: i
'. ^, . ... -'' ' r ' ' - ^
Her name was ^Violet BiBe, and- bef ha»"S
iemuidediiB<8-<rf^Biy^ nwther^ftair.^hateft^ier |
^M , 1 ' ^ I I
hair. We attended the same Sunday school class,
and I'd sit in back of her and stare at that hair
that would beguile some man someday and make
him want her, as that lover had wanted
my mother.
She smiled at me one day, expecting a compliment,
but I fooled her, I said her hair was ugly. To
my surprise she laughed. "But it's the same color
hair you have," ,. ; ^
I shaved off all my hair that day--'and the next
day I caught Violet Blue and threw her dewn.
When she went home crying, she was as, bald as I
;was.^^ .; ,' . ^ {,,,^/ ;:-,.1. /,.,,.: ,; : ,.-;., : :

All that pretty blonde hair that used to be Cindy's
was, blowinft on; the wind. She ;wea$ <arymg .ia,the
kitchen. Not because I'd scared her, or hurt her. It was
Emma's shriek that told her something had gone
wrong, MTow Candy's hiairlooked^ like m»ne. Stubfey.
short and pgly.

%e I^st Dasice

"Jory," called Mom in renef when s6e saw me come
in, "thank God you're back. tSd you enjoy your
lunch?"
Sure, I said, fine lunch, and she didn't pay much
attention if I didn't elaborate, for she Was much too
busy with last-minute details. This was the way ft went
on performance days; class in the morning, rehearsal in
the afternoon and the performance at night. Rush,
rush, nidi, all the while making yourself believe the
world would stop turning if you didn't dance your role
to the best of your ability. When the world wouldn't
stop. . .
"You know, fcry," gushed Mom happily in the
dressing room we were sharing--she was behind a
screen, and we really couldn't see one another--"all
my life the ballet has thrilled me. But this night will be
the grandest of them all because I will be dancing with
my own son! I know you and I have danced many
times together, but this night is special. Now you're
good enough to dance solo. Please, please, do your
best so Julian in heaven can be proud of his only
sott." ' " " '' - "'- "" ''i-"''' -' ' ' '^ 1 ;
Sure^ I'd do my best, always did. The foots went on,
(he overture! ended; die curtainHfted. There was a
moment of sueaCe beforethe first-act music began.
Mom's kind of music and mine--taking us both to that
happy never-never land where anything could happen, ;
even happy endings, j
"Mom, you look wonderful--prettier than any of the |
other dancers!" She did too. She laughed joyfully and
told me I certainly knew how to please a woman, and if
I kept it up Fd be the Don Juan of the century. ^Now |
listen carefully to the music, Joty. poa't get wi
absorbed in counting that you forget the music--
that's the best way to catch the magic, by feeling the
musici" |
I was so keyed up and tense I'd nicely burstm another|
second or two. "Mom, I hope the father I love best will
be sitting front row center."
That's when she ran to whereshe could peek out.
see the audience. In certain places the foots didn't I
my eyes. "He's not there," she said dismally, "nor J
^o time for me to answer. I heard my musical cue
and danced out with the other members of the corps.
Everything went just fine, with Mom up on the balcony
as the beautiful doll Coppelia, lifelike enough to inspire
love from afar.
But when the first act was over she was left gasping
and panting for breath. She hadn't told Dad she was
also dancing the role of the village girl, Swanhilda, who
loved Franze even as he fell fooKshfy in love wfth a
mechanical doll. Two rolesfor Mom---difficult rotestoo
as she had choreographed them. Dad certainly would
have forbidden her to dance if he had known the full
truth about her last dance. Had I been wrong to help
her deceive him? "I' ' ,., ' ""./'.':
"Mom, how's ybttr Imee 6^ng?*' l^asked when 1
saw her gnimao^ once or twice befweeiTaets. ^ ^
"Joiy.Triyttfee is nner" she^aid^harply,lonce more
trying to set; 3&Ad and Bart in their seats. "Why aren't
they pujt there? If Chris doesn't slow up to see me
dance for the last time, I'if never foi^ve ^
(saw fi»ad and flart just 1be|^ the se<^^
started. They sat in the second row, and I could tell
Bart had been brpUght along fortShly. His lower Hp
pouted sullenly as he glared -at the curtain that would
lift and display beauty and grace--and,- he'dftwm
more. Beauty and grace d»d not light up Bart's iBfe as
they dud mine. ,_^;, .:.,:,;,'.,..: ,,,-:;.;1^. >:'
Third act time. Mom and I danced together, dolls
wound up by huge keys attached to our backs. Woodenly
we began, umbering up our squeaky joints. The
huge room where Dr. Coppelius kept his inventions
was mysteriously dim, and made more dramatic by blue
lights. I could tell Mom was having trouble, but she
didn't miss a step as we both kept time to the music and
turned on all the other mechanical toys that came alive
to dance with uk. "lAom, re you okay?" I asked in a
whisper when we were close enough. "Sure," she said,,
still smiling, never doing anything but smiling, for it
was supposed to be painted on.
I felt scared for her even as I admired her courage. I
knew out in the audience Bart was looking at us,
thinking us stupid fools and feeling jealous of our
grace.,' . . '.-,-', .... , ', ..
Suddenly I could tell from Mom's tight smile that she
was in terrible pain, I tried to dance closer, but one of
the clown dolls kept getting in my way. It was going to
happen. I knew it wouldr--just what Dad feared.
Next came a series of whirling pirouettes which
would take her in a circle around the stage. To do these
she nad to know precisely where everyone else was?'
located, and aB the props too. When she spun near me f|
reached out to keep her on balance before she .whiriedl
on by. Oh, golly, I couldn't stand to watch. Then I ss ^
she was^oingtb maSse it; pain or not, she'ddanc
without falling."Joyfully now, I bounded into the a
and landed on one knee as I playfully propose
marriage to the dpB of my drissams. Tnen tny hea)
Jumped. One or the ribbons of her points had corn
Undone! ; ": '. '-' " "' ' ; .Y'''"'1''' 1 [''''^
"YCmr ribbons. Mom, watch out iforyour feft shOi
ribbbn!"^ I called above "We music, but ^Be didn't 3N^
The dragging ribbon was stepped on by another dancer
Mom was throwtt^1»stance. She put out herarms^
steady herself and might have succeeded in doin||
this--but I saw her painted-on smile turn into a sile^|
shriek of pain as her knee gave way and down she wen|]
Right m the center of flie stag6. ^ ^
People in the audience screamed. Some stood up
see better. We on the stage went right ondancingas t
manager came out and carried Mom backstage. K
back-up whirled onto the stage, and the ballet went <i
At last thecurtain descended. I didn't wait to -tfll
any bows. I couldn't get to Mom fast enough. TerritU
196.
afraid, I raced up to where Dad held her in his arms
while ambulance men in white suite were feeling her
legs to find out if one or both might be broken.
"<3ais, did I do all right?" she was asking, though
pain had made her face very pale. "I didn't really louse
up the show, did I? You did see Jory and I in owpas de
deux?" i- :-- 11 ^ '--.. - . I - . ' ;
^'Yes, yes," he said, kissing her face all over and
looking so tender as he helped aft her onto a stretcher.
"You and Jory were magnificent. I've never seen you
dance better--^ttdJdry was briBiaat."
"And this time I didn't have to bleedon my Jeet"
she whispered before she closed her eyes wearily, "I
only had to break a leg."
What she said didn't make much sense. I turned my
thoughtsto the look oil Bart's face as he stared at her.
,He seemed to be glad, almost gloating. Was I being
unfair to him? Or was it guilt I saw in his eyes?
I sobbed as Mom was lifted onto a stretcher and put
in an ambulance that would drive her and Dad to toe
nearest hospital. Melodie's father promised he'd drop
me off at the hospital, then drive Bart bomcsafely.
"Though I'm sure Melodie wishes it was Jory who'd go
home, and Bart who'd insist on staying with his mother
in the hospital."

Much later Mom awakened from the sedatives given
her to stare at the flowers filling her room. "Why, it
looks like a garden," she breathed. She smiled weakly
at Dad, stretching out her arms to embrace him and
then me. "I know you're going to say I told you so,
Chris. Butttntfl I feu.Tdid dance wea, didn't I?"
"It was your slipper ribbon," I said, 'anxious to
protect her from his anger. "If it hadn't loosened you
wouldntAavefaBen."
"My eg Wt broken, is it?" she asked Dad.

3197
"No, darling, just torn ligaments and some broke
cartilage that was repaired during the operation." The
he sat on the edge of her bed and gravely told her ever
detail of her injury, which wasn't as minor as sh
wantedto believe.
Mom reflected aloud: "I really can't understand hw
that ribbon could come loose. I always carefully sew o
the ribbons myself, not trusting anyone else . . ." sh
paused, staring into space. ^
"Where areyou hurting now?"
"Nowhere," she flared as if annoyed. "Where?
Bart? Why didn't he come with you?"
"You know how Bart is. fie hates 'hospitals and sic
people, ^ust as much as he hates everything els<
Emma's taking good care of him and Cindy. But w
want you, home soon, so do What your doctor an
nurses teU you--and don't be so damned stubborn yo
won't listen or obey."
"What's wrong with me?" she asked, alerted as
was. I sat up straighter, feeling somethingwas about t
slam down on all of us.
"Your knee is in bad shape, Cathy. Without gom
into specifics, you are going to have to sit in
wheelchair until some torn ligaments heal."
"A wheelchair?" Stunned looking, she said that lik
it was an electric chair! "What's realty wrong? You'i
not telling me everything. You're trying to prote<
met". ..'.-.'' . :.. "I . , - 1:"
"When your doctors are sure, you will know. B<
one thing is certain, you can never dance again. Ao
they halve told me, too, that you cannot even, deroo<
strate to your pupils. No dancing whatsoever, not eve
waltzing." He said it so firmly, but compassion and pa)
were,in. his eyes, '
She looked stunned, not believing thatsuch a sma
fall could have done so much ham. "No dancing . i-.;
None-atall?" ..:, -:,. ; ,,'1^- ^1^^^ .".„-- ;,,;? /
A88
"Nome at all," he repeated. "I'm sorry, Cathy, but I
warned you. Think back and count the times you have
fallen and hurt that knee. How much damage do you
think it can take? Even walking won't be as effortless as
it used to be. So cry your heart out now. Get ft out of
your system."
She cried in his amis, and I sat in a chair andsobbed
inwardly, feeling as bereft as if it had been me who had
lost the use of my legs for dancing.
"'It's all right, Jory," she said when she had dried her
tears and put on a faltering Smile. "If I can't dance, I'll
find something better to do---though Lord knows what
itwillbe."

Another Grandmother

.In a few days Mom was feeling much better, and that's
when Dad brought to the hospital a portable typewriter,
a thick stack of yellow legal pads and other
writing utensils. He stacked everything on the table
that rolled over Monfs bed and gave her one of his big,
charming smiles. "This is a She time to finish that book
you began so long ago," he said. "Look at your old
journals, and let it all loose--and tee damned to those
you might hurt! Hurt them as.ydu've been hurt, as I've
been hurt. Stab a few times for Cory and Carrie too.
And while you're at ft, throw in a few btows for me,
Jory and Bart, for they too are affected."
What was he talking about?
They looked at each other for long moments, then
iff®
unhappily she took an old memorandum book from his
hands and opened it so I could see her large girlish
handwriting. "I don't know if I should,"she murmured
with a strange look in her eyes. "It would be like living
it all over again. All the pain would come back."
Dad shook his head. "Cathy, do what you think you
must. There must have been a good reason for you to
have started those books in the first place. Who knows,
perhaps you'll be on your way to a new career more
satisfying than the last." ;
It didn't seem possible to me that writing could ever
replace dancing, but when I visited her in the hospital
the next day, she was scribbling away like crazy. On her
face I saw a strange intense look, and in a way, I felt
envious.
"How much longer?" she asked Dad, who had
driven me to see her.

We were all there waiting, Emma withCindy in her
arms, and me holding fast to Bart's hand. Dad lifted
Mom out of the front seat and put her in the folding
chair he'd rented. Bart stared at that rolling chair with
repulsion, while Cindy called out "Mommy, Mommy!"
She didn't care how Mom came home, as long as she
did, but Bart hung back and eyed Mom up and down,
as if he were looking at a stranger he didn't like.
Next Bart turned and headed for the house. He
hadn't even said hello. An expression of hurt passed
over Mom's face before she called, "Bart! Don't go
away before I've <had a chance to say hello to you.
Aren't you glad to see me? You just don't know how
much I've missed you. I know you don't like; hospitals,
but I wish you had come just the same. I know, too,
that you don't like this chair, but I won't be using it
forever. A lady in the physicatltherapy class showed me
how much can be done while sitting m, .this kind of
«M
chair..." She fefltered because his dark, ugly look
didn't encourage her to go on.
"You look fanny sitting in that chair," he said With
his brows knitted together. "Don't like you in that
chairl" "-1 .1111':1-- "I ' '. " ' " ;-" 1 "I '
Nervously Mom laughed."WeB, to be honest, it's
not my favorite throne either, but remember it's not a
permanent part of my life, only until my knee heals.
Come, Bart, be friendly to your mother. I forgive you
for not visiting me in the hospital, but I won't forgive
you if you can't showme a little affection."
Still frowning, he backed away as she wheeled
forward; "No? Don1'! touch me!" he cried out in a loud
voice, "you didn't have to dance and fell? You fell
because you didn't want to come home and see me
again! You hate me now for cutting off Chaiy's hair!
And now you want to punish me by sitting in that chair
when you don't need toi"
Wheeling around, he raced for the backyard, using
the stepping stones. He'd covered tWo when he tripped
and fell. Picking himself up, he ran on again, bumping
into a tree and crying out. I could see his nose was
bleeding. Boy, talk about awkward)
Dad made light of Bart's rebellion as he pushed Mom
into the house, with Cindy delighted to ride on her lap.
"Don't worry about Bart . . . he'll come back and be
contrite . . .he's missed you very much, Catby. I've
heard him crying in the night. And his new psychiatrist,
Dr. Hermes, thinks he's getting better, working out
someofhishostffity."
She didn't say anything, just kept running her hand
over the smooth cap of Cindy's short-short hair. She
looked more like a boy in her coveralls, though Emma
had tried to tie a ribbon in a short tuft of her hair. 1
guessed Dad had told Mom what Bart had done to
Cindy, forshe didn't ask questions.
Latei- w mine evening Whetf Bartwas in bed, I tan
. ' , ' m-
fppa b<w»k Esd left m the family room and heard Mom
voice coming from "her" loom."Cla-is, what «nai
going to d® about Bart? I triad to show low an
affection for him, andhe rejectedmes. Look what h
did to Cindy, a helpless childwho trusts that no one'wi
hurt her. Did you spank tap? Did youSo anything t
punish him? Does he show respect to any of us? A fe'
weeks in the attic might teach hima thing or two aboi
obedience." -,.,..;.;:,;,.1 ^^::'.::. i':'-ii'.i^. ,- ':--.
Hearing Mom talk like this made me feel depressec
So sad I had to hurry away and hurl myself onto my be
and stare at the walls with the posters of Julian Marqw
dancing with Catherine Dahl. This wasn'tthe first tim
I'd wondered what my real father had been like. Ha
he loved my mother^ very much? Hadshe loved him
Would my life have been happier if he hadn't die
befew®Awas,,horn?';--^ ,-, 1 ;, ,,.,,.,,.. , '...'
Then there was Daddy Paul, who came after that ta
man with the dark hair and eyes. Was Bart really Di
Paul's son--or was he .. . ? I couldn't even finish th
question, it made me feel so 4tsloyat for doubting.
I closed my eyes, feeling in the air around me
dreadful tension, asifsotinvisible sword were nek
ready to hack all of us down. ^ ^ p v ;? , ,;

Early the ne^t -evening, I cotaered Dad inhis stud
and burst out sntitL^rd held bacfc^nNB'BOW.
"Dad^ yswi've ^1 got to do something about |?aia
He frightens me. I don't see howwe can go da Byin
with flim in ^he house, when it seems he,is goin
^niad^.ne.isR't.atoeady^there^.^ .-:.-^-^.:„' ^
My <ted bowed h^oeadinto hi&nands
knowwhat to do. Itwoutd kiUyoarmotheri|fwehadi
send Bart away. You'don't know allshe's been througt
I don't think she can take too much more ... anothc
-ehud-gone.wouM-<de?ttEoy-tew,"'-;'- -,: ;,:- .;/';.-}>,'^.. ^
W ' , . - - ' 'I ' ^
"WB save her!" I cried paMttcatatety. **Bttt we hawe
to prevent Bart from going to visit those people next
door who tell him lies. He goes over there all the time,
Dad, and that old lady holds him on her lap and tells
him stories that make him come home acting queer,
like he'sold, like he hateswomea; It's alHier fault,
Dad, that old woman in black. When she leaves Bart
alone he'llgo baek to where hie wasbeStfte she came."
He stared at me in the strangest way, as if something
I'd said had triggered thoughts in his head. As always
he had places togo and patients to see, but this time he
called his hospital and told them he had an emergency
at home. And he did, you bet he didf ; ^
I often looked at ray mother's third husbandand
wished he weise aay own blood father, but at that
moment when he canceled his appointments to save
Bart--andMom--Ikcew in all the ways that counted
that he was my; true lather.. ; . n:
'niatevening, shortly after^aner, mobb wwt to her
room to work on her book. C&dy; was i& bed N»d: Bart
was out in the yard when Dad and I donned warm
sweatees and slipped oatthe front door. y ^ ,
It was murky with fag» cold wi& damp as we gtipode,
side by sKte toward the huge shadowy inaaBionwittt its
impressive black iroo gafcMt. "Dar, Christopher Shefr
field," said Dad into the black box attached to the side
of the gatess^yaniE^ seethe lady aSt tfw house^As
the gales swung silently open, he asked why I'd ttewaC
learDed the wtwaan's aaine. I shrugged, asif shedidn't
have a name, and as far as I was concerned, didn't need
oae. Bart had ;never caBed lt» anytfttog but ©fituidinotherii...'.^-'. . - w ;: ...--'.. .:i^;.;^-,:'-::'^ ^k^.'
At itoe front door; Oad hanged the brass knaaw.
FiaaHy^we^ teeacd^shaffling^ ooises rte the hay, anil John
Amos Jackson admitted us. ,
"Our lady tires easi4f," said John Aaaos Jackson, his
thin, kH% face hotlow-cheeted, gaunt-eyed, hB. hands
trembling, his narrow back bent. "Don't say anything
to upset-her." - ";'- : .' ^:: ^ ' - -- ;
I stared at the way-Dad looked at him, frowning and
perplexed as the bald-headed man shuffled away,
leaving us to enter a room whose door he'd opened.
The lady in black was seated in her rocking chair.
"I'm sorry to interrupt," said Dad, staring at her
intensely. "My name is Dr. Christopher Sheffield and I
Hye next door. This is my eldest son, Jory, whom you
have met before."
She seemed excited and nervous as she gestured us in
and indicated the chairs we were to use. W® perched
tentatively, not intending to stay very long. Seconds
stretched by that seemed like hours before Dad leaned
forward to speak: "You have a lovely home." He
glanced around again at all the elaborate chairs and
other fine furnishings, and he stared at the paintings
too. "I have the strangest sense of d6fA vu,"be
murmured almost to himself.
Her black-veiled head bowed low. Her hands spread
expansively, supplicating, it seemed, for his understanding
for her lack of words. I knew she spoke
English perfectly well. Why was she faking?
Except for those aristocratic hands with all the
glittering rings she sat so still, but her hands fluttered,
knotted the pearls I knew she wore beneath her black
dress. His eyes shot her way, and quickly she sat on her
hands. ^ ' - ;. ^ ' -..' 1 ': ,, -, - ' .
"You don't speak English?" Dad asked in a tight
voice. ' ' ^ :' - - " ^- .' ^
Vigorously she nodded, indicating she could understand
English. His brows knitted. Puzzled-looking
again. "WeB, to get to the point of our visit, my son
lory has told me you and my youngest son Bart are
very familiar. Jory says you give Bart expensive gifts
and feed him sweets between meals. I'm sorry,
Mrs..... Mrs. .. .?" He paused^ ^waning for her to
ao«give her name. When she didn't,he went on:"When
Bart comes again I want you to send him home
unrewarded. He's done a number of ugly things that
deserve punishment. His mother and I cannot have a
stranger coming between Bart and our authority. When
you indulge him here we face the consequences." All
this time he was doing his damdest to see her hands--as
she did her best to keep them hidden.
What was this all about? Why did Pad want to see
her hands? Was it all those fabulous rings that held his
fascination? I'd never guessed he liked things like that,
sinceMom had an aversion for jewetry of any kind bujt
earrings.,. ^:... , ^ ,,',, ,. ..^ , "^ ;,., ,
And then, when Dad seemed to be tookmg towaad
another of her original bit paintings, her hands, came
into v|ew and fluttered up near her throat to the magnet
of her hidden pearis.
His head jerked around. Dad spoke then out of
context, startling me, startling her. "Those rings you
wear--I've seen those very rings before!"
; WhenShe too obvious^ shoved her hands inside her
full sleeves, Dad jumped to his feetas if thunderstruck,
He Stared at her, spun around once more to survey the
sumptuous room and once more nailed her with his
eyes^ She cringed. ; ' "l'''.:/:"i ; '' , '' _
"The . . . best. . . that ".. . money .. , can . . ,
buy," Dadsaid slowly, separating each word, I caught
his bitterness, though I didn't understand.'It seemed
lately I never understood anything.
"Netting too good for the elegant and aristocratic
MS. Bartholomew Winslow." hie said. ^Those nags,
Mrs. Wmslow-^why didn't yott have the good senfc to
hide them away? Then your-disguise might have
worked, though I doubt it. I know your voice; and yotjff
gestures too well. You wear black rags but your fingers
sparkle Nthsour status .syntbofo. Do you forget ityhat
those symbols did to «s? Do you flunk I've forgotten
806
those endless days of suffering from the cold or heat,
from the loneliness--all our pain symbolized by a string
of pearls and those rings on your fingers?"
':]. was shocked and bewildered. Never before had I
seen Dad so upset. He wasnt easily provoked--and
who was this woman he knew and I didn't? Why had he
(ailed her Mrs-.Barthotomew Winslow---4he very name
of my half brother? Could it be true she really was
Bart's grandmother--and Bart might not be the son of
Daddy Paul?
JDad railed on:"Why, Mrs. Wihsfow, why? Did you
think you could hide here and we wouldn't find out?
How can you fool anyone when even the way you sit
and hold your head betrays your true identity? Haven't
'you done enough to hurt me and Cathy? Do you have
to return to do more? I should have guessed that you
were behind Bart's confusion--behind his weird behavior.
What have you been doing to our son?"
"Our son?" she asleed. "Don't you mean, more
correctly, Aerson?"
"Moiher!" he raged before he looked at me guiltily.
Looking from one to the other of them, 1 thought,
how wonderful and how strange. At last his mother was
free from the loony bin and she reaHy was. Bart's
grandmother after all. But why did he call her Mrs.
Winslpwl %§he was Us mother and Dr. Paul's mother,
then she^have to be Mrs. Sheffield-wouldn't she?
I was thinking aU of this even as she said, "Sir^my
rings are not that exceptional. Bart has told me you're
not his real father, so please leave my home. I promise
never to admit Bart- again. I didn't come to harm
iuiB---or anyone." It seemed: she gave my father a
warning look. I guessed she was giving him a road out
on account of me. , '
"|^y,dear,mother^/]ftffi game isji.tp^.ghe sobbed, then
covered her veiled face with her hagd^ Life shot fMt
we
with no regard for her tears, "When (rid your (actors
release you?" ^': '' ''-1 ''1'^' ' :' '- 1
"Last summer," she whispered. Her hands lowered
so she could use her vdfee better for pleading. "Even
before I moved here I &ad my taWyers do what they
could to help you arid Cathybu.yit'hatever piece of land
you selected. I ordered them to keep me anonymous,
knowingyou wouldn't want my help.*7'
Dad fell into a chair, bent over to rest his elbows
heavily on his knees.
IWhy wasn't he happy to seelass mother free fibmthat
place? She was living nearby, and he'd always wanted
to visit her. tridhtlie love his0!)yn jthother? Or <Mts he
afraidslHS might go crazy any moment?' CSd hfi tNnk,
Baiftfliaght have inherited her madnesst^oi'l»er^»anity'&ight
intect fewt ufce a physrcal dMease^ An|[why
didat my mother like her? I looked from one to the
other, wanting answers to my unspoken questions, and
so afraid I might team Paul wasn't Bart's father at all.
When Dad lifted his head I couldsee his drawn face,
the deep tines that etched fpoaa his nose to his mouth.
Lines I'd never seen befoE&» ,. ,
"I cannot ingood conscience call you Mother agam,"
he said dully, "if you helped buy the land my home sits
on, I thank you. ToHaiorrow rttsee that aJFw .We sign is
put up, and we'll move far away, ifyon refuse tomoye
first. I with not aUpw you to turn my sons away from
their parents." ^
"Their parent," she corrected.
''The only parents they have," he said in »eti»a.i "I
should have known you'd come here. I've catted yoat
doctor and he told me you'd been released, but he
didn't say when.or where you went." r
"Where else do I have 40 go?" she cried pitifully,
wriaging lier bejewded haod^ Ute pate fimp tags.^ ft
was as if she reached out and touched him then, even as
{"I ^ , / ,- .; , ^
she restrained herself from reaching for him. Each
word she said, eachlook she gave him, said she loved
him--even I could tell.
"Christopher," she pleaded, "I have no friends, no
family, no home--and nowhere to go but to you and
'yours. All I have left is you and Cathy and the sons she
bore--my grandsons. Would you fake them from me
too? Each night I pray on my knees that you and Cathy
w»U forgive me and take me back and love me as you :
once did," ,
He seemed made of steel, so unreacbable, but I was
on the verge of crying. ?
*'iMy son, my beloved son, take me back and say you
love me again. And if youcannot do that, then just let
.nie live where I can see my grandsons now and then."
She paused then, waiting tor him to respond. 'When I
he refused, she went on: "I hoped you could be lenient |
.if I stayed over here and never let her know who I was. 1
.But I've seen her, heard her voice; heard yours too. I |
hide behind the wall and listen. My heart throbs. My
chest aches with longing. Tears fill my eyes from
holding back my voice that wants to cry out and let you
know I'm sorry! So terribly sorry!"
Stm he didn't say anything. He wore his detached,
professional look.
"Christopher, Iwould gladlygiveten years of my life
to undo the wrdngTve done? I'd give another ten years
just to sit at'your table and feer Welcomed by my own
grandchildren*"
Tears were in her eyes, in mine too. My heart cried
for my father's motiher even as I wondered why he and
Mom hated her.
"Christopher, Christopher, don't you understand
why I wear these rags? I cover my face, my hair, my
.figure, so she won't know! But all the time I keep
hoping, praying that sooner or later ^>oth of you can
forgive me enough to let me become a member of your
«»
family again! Please, please, accept me as your mother
agate! If you do, perhaps then she can too!" v
How could he sit there and not feel the same pity for
her that I did? Why wasn't he crying like I was?
"Cathy will never forgive you," he said tonelessly.
Strangely, she cried out happUy, "Then youwill?
Please say it--you forgive me!" .
I trembled as I waited for him to speak.
"Mo&er-t how can I say I forgive you? By saying that
I would betray Cathy, and T can never betray hear.
Ibgether westantf andtogether we wal fell, stm
believing we did right, while you stand guilty and alone.
Nothing you say or do can undo death. And every day
that you stay here sees Bart more and more deranged.
Do you realize he is threatening our adopted daughter
Oady?" : - ' ' ' -^ - -'{-
"Nol" she cried, shaking her headso the veils swung
violently. "Bart would not hurt his sister."
"Wouldn't he? He hacked off ter hair with a lEnilp,
Mrs. Winstow. Andhe's threatened^his mother as
wea" -!..-..,...--;'-1^ - -,:.- ",' - ,
'^NO!" she yelled more passionately than before.
"Bart loves his motheril give Bart treats because you
are too busy with your pnrfessionat BfeU> give hint aH
the attentionhe needs, fast as his motheris too busy
with her life tocare if he has enough tove; But I eater to
his needs. I try to iate the place of toe peel's he aQesn't
have. I do everything I can to make him happy. And if
feeding him treats and giving him gifts makes him feel
better, what harm can I do? Besides, once a child has
all the sweets he can eat, soon he loses the taste for
them. I know. Once I was lifce Bart, lovuig'ice creaBi,
candy, cookies and other sweets . . . and now I cannot tolerate them at all."
Dad got up and motioned to me. I stood and moved
to his side as he looked at his mother with pity, "It's a
terrible shame you came too late Wtry to redecm^bur
actions. Once I would have been touched by any sweel
word you said. Now your very presence shows hpv
'little you care if we are deeply hurt again, as we will b<
if you stay."
"Please, Christopher," she begged. "I have no other
family, and no others who care if I live or die. Don' deny me your love when to do so will kill the very besi
part of you, the part that makes you what you are
"You've never been libe Cathy. Always you could holt
onto some of your love--hold fast to it now, Christo
pher. Hold so fast and so true, you can eventually hell
Cathy to find a little love for me too!" She sobbed an*
weakened. "Or if not love, help her find forgiveness
fov I admit that I could have served my childrer
Wter," . . . . . : , . . , , ,
Now Dad was touched, but not for long. "I have ft
think of Bart's welfare first. He's never had muct
confidence in himself. Your tales have disturbed himsc
much he has nightmares. Leave him alone. Leave m
alone! Go away, stay away, we don't belong to yoi
anymore. Years ago we gave you chance after chance t<
prove you loved us. Even when we ran you could hav<
answered the judge's summons and spared us the pan
of knowing we weren't loved enough for you to evei
appear and show some interest in, our feitui'es.
"So get out. of our lives' Nake another life ft*
yourself with the riches yousacrfficed us, to get. Le
Cathy and me live the lives we've worked so hard ft
achieve."
1 was baffled--what was he talking about? What ha<
his mother done to her two sons, Christopher an<
Paul--and what did my mother have to do in thei
youthful lives?
She rose too, standing tall and straight. Then, slowly
slowly, she removed the veil thatcovered her head an<
face. I .gasped. My dad gasped. Never before had I seei
a woman who could look so uglfy and so beautiftil«tin
8ie
same time. Her scars looked as if a cat had scratched
her face. Her jowls sagged with age; her pretty blonde
hair was streaked with gray. I'd been terribly curious to
see up dosewhat she hid under her veil--now I wished
I hadn't.
Dad bowed his head. "Did you have to do that?"
"Yes," she said. "I wanted you to see what Fdid so I
would no longer look like Cathy." She gestured to her
wooden rocker. "See that chair? I have one in every
room in this house." She indicated all the comfortable
chairs with fluffy soft cushions. "I sit in hard wooden
chairs to punish myself. I wear the same black rags
every day. I keep minors on the walls so I can see how
ugly android I-am now. I want to suffer for the sins I
committed against my children. I despise this veil, but I
wear it. F can't see well through the veil, but I deserve
that too. I do what I can to make the same kind of hell
for myself as I made for my own flesh and blood, and I
keep on believing that there will come a time when you
and Cathy will recognize how I am trying to atone for
my sins so that you can forgive me and return to me,
and we can be a whole family again. And when you and
Cathy can do that, I can go peacefully into my grave.
When I meet your father again, perhaps he won't judge
me too harshly.^
"Oh," I cried out spontaneously, "I forgive you for
whatever you did! I'm sorry you have to wear black all
the time, with that veu over your lace!" I turned to Dad
and tugged on his arm. "Say you forgive her. Dad.
Please don't make her suffer more! She is your mother,
and I could always forgive my mother, no matter what
she did," ,. ' -:'; '
He spoke to my grandmother as if he hadn't even
heard me. "You were always good at persuading us to
do what you wanted." I'd never heard him speak: so
coolly. "But I'm-not-a boy anymore," he went on.
"NewHEaowBOWtoresfetyour^pBa,forIhavea
woman who has never let me down in any important
way. She has taught me not to be as gullible as I once
was. You want Bart because you think he should have
been yours. But you cannot have Bart. Bart belongs to
us. I used to think Cathy did wrong when she sought
revenge and stole Bart Winslow from, you. But she
didn't,do wrong--she did what she had to do. And so
we have two sons instead of one."
"Christopher.," She cried, looking desperate, "you
don't want the world to know of your indiscretion,
surely you don't," i
"Yours too," he responded coldly. "K yea expose us,
you expose yourself as well.. And remember, we were
only children. ;Who do you think? a fudge and jury
would fsvof-rysfa or ;us?"" ?
"For your own saltes'" she called as we stepped from
her parlor and headed toward the double front doors
(he had to push me ahead of him, for I was holding
back, pitying heir), "tove me again, Otns(opher! Let
me redeem myself, please^'
Dad whirledabout, furious and red-faced. "I cannot
forgive you! You think onlyof yourself. As you have
always thought only of yourself. I don't know you, mi's.
Winslow. I wish to God I had never; known youjK
Oh, Dad, I thought, you're going to;be sorry.
Rttgwe her, please. .
"Christopher," she called once n»ore» her voiceso;
weak and thin it sounded old and brittle, "when you
and Cathy can love me again, you'ttftnd better lives foi|
yourselves and for your children. There is so much I
wuld do to help if only you would let me." I
"Money?" he asked with scorn. "Are you going ten
use blackmail? We have enough money. We havej
enoughAappiness. We have managed to survive, and
managed to love, and we have not killed anyone to|
achieve what we have." ^ ^,, ^
Kilted? Had she killed? I
Dad pulled me by my band as he stalked to the door.
I said to him on the way home from her mansion,
"Dad, it seemed I could smell Bart in. that room. He
might have been biding and listening. He was there,
I'm sure of it."
"AH right," he answered in a tired way. "You go
'back and look for him."
"Dad, why don't you forgive her? I believe she's
truly sorry for whatever she did to make jou hate
her—and she is your mother." I smiled and tugged on
this arm, wanting him to go back with me and say be
joved her, "Wouldn't it be nice to have both my
grandmothers here for Christmas?"
He shook his head, and strode away, leaving me to
race back to the big house. He'd taken only a few steps
before he turned. "Jbry, promise not t<? tell your
mother anything about tonight."
I promised, but I was unhappy about it, unhappy
about everything I'd heard. I didn't know if I had heard
the full truth about my dad and his mother, or only part
of a long, secret story never told to me. I wanted to run
.after Dad and ask why he hated his mother so much,
hut I knew from his expression that he wouldn't tell me.
In some odd way, I was glad not to know more.
"If Bart is over there, you bring him home and sneak
him into his room, tory. Please, for God's sake, don't
mention anything to your mother about the woman
next door again. I'll take care of her. She'll go away,
and it wiU be just as it was before! she came."
JSeingwhat I was, I believed, though I felt sorry for
his mother. I didn't oweher the loyaltyI pwedhun, but
I couldn't keep the most important question from my
tongue. "Dad, what didyour mother do that makes you
hate her so much? And if you hate her,why did you
always insist upon going to visit'her, when Mom
wouldn't?" - - :'. • "i;;1-".- • 1 •— • • '
He stared off into space,and, asif from afar
eis
distance, his voice canw to me. "Jbry, I fear youwifl
know all of the truth soon enough. Give me time to find
the right words, the true explanation that will satisfy
your need to know. But believe this: your mother and I
always intended to tell you. We were only waiting tor
you and Bart to grow up enough, and when you hear
our story, I think you will understand how I can both
love and hate my mother. It's sad to say, but there are
many children who feel ambiguous about their mothers
or fathers."
I hugged him, even if it was unmanly. I loved him,
and if that was unmanly too, then darn if being manly
was so great. "Don't you worry about Bart, Dad," I
said. "ra bring him home safely."
I managed to squeeze between the gates Just in the
nick of time. Softly they clanked behind me. Then . . .
silence. If there was a more silent place in the world
than those spacious grounds, I've never been there.
I jumped and quickly dodged behind a tree-John
Amos Jackson had Bart by the hand, and he was
leading him away from the house.
"Now you know what you have to do, don't you?"
"Yes, sir," intoned Bart, as if in a stupor,
"You know what will happen if you don't do as I say,
don'tyou?"
"Yes, sir. Bad things will happen to everyone,, even
me." /„ ;, , ' '{ , ' ^ „ , "/, ' " ,'..1,"'..^1;
"Yessss, bad thingsss, thingssss you will regret,"
"Bad things I will regret," he repeated flatly.
"From woman man is born into sin . . ." :
"From woman man islbpmmto sin." "And those who originate the sin .. ." ; |
"Must.sufier"1 ^ , ,. . ' , ,--,, .-. ,.: ..|
"And how amst they suffer?" |
"In all ways, by any ways» by death they will be|
redeemed."''.;,'.;.:,',,.-^- .,.::,.,:..'
^Stt* .
I froze where I crouched, not believing niy ears.
"What was that man doing to Bart?
They drifted beyond my hearing, and I peeked just in
time to see Bart disappearing over the wall, going
home. I waited until John Amos Jackson shunted into
the house and turned out all the lights.
.Then suddenly I realized I hadn't heard Apple bark.
Wasn't a dog as old and big as Apple supposed to bark
and warn those in the house that a prowler was on the
grounds? I sneaked into the barn and called Apple by
name. He didn't come running to lick my face and wag
his tail. "Apple," I called again, louder. I Hi a kerosene
lamp that hung near the door and I shone it into the
.horse staH where Apple 'had tus home.
I sucked in my breath! Oh, No! NO!
'Who would be so cruel as to starve a dog like that?
Who could then drive a pitchfork into that poor bag of
bones covered by beautiful fur . . . and now he was atl
bloody. Dark with old blood that had dried to the color
of black rust. I ran outside and threw up. As hour later
Dad and I were digging a grave and burying a huge dog
that never bad a chance to reach maturity. Both of us
knew "they" would lock Bart up forever if ever this got
out.- ; .. : -.;,,. ':.;;. . '. . .'.;- ; - ..' ...
"He may, not have donejt," say Dad when we were
home. "I can't beaeve he did ft." By now 1 could
believe anything.

There was an old woman who lived next door.
Who wore black rags and black covered her hair.
She was twice Mbm*s niother-in-law, twice hated,
and much more.

And all I could do was wonder? wonder what she had
done to my mom and my dad. Dad hadn't yet explained
815

it all to me as he'd promised. Though I had found a
glimmer of a fuzzy solution--I'd let my emotions run
away with me, and for a moment I'd thought she was
my grandmother too, for Cihris was so much my real
father in my heart.
But in reality, it was Bart who was Paul's son, and I
blew why his grandmother wanted him so badly and
not me. I belonged to Madame Marisha as Bart
belonged to her. It was the blood relationship that
made them love each other. And I sighed to be only a;
stepgrandsbn to such a mysterious and touching woman
who felt she had to Suffer to redeem her mistakes. I
thought I should take better oare of Bart--protect him,
guide him, keep him straight.
Right away I had to get up and look at Bart, who was
curled on his side in his bed with his thumb in his:
mouth. He looked like a baby---just a little boy who'd
always stood in my shadow, always trying to live u|p to
what I'd done at his age,and never achieving the goals
I'd already set; He hadn't walked sooner, talked at a
younger age, or smiled until he was almost a^year old. If!
Was as if he'd known from birth that heM always be
number two, never number one. Now he'd found the
one person in the World who would let him come first. I
was happy Bart had his very own grandmother. Even I'll
she did wear nothing but black, I could tetlshe'd once
been very beautiful. More beautiful than my Grandmother
Marisha could ever have hopedto-be when sher
was young, i
Yet. ..yet.. .some pieces in the puzzle were
missing. ^ '''.>.'.",'' j .' ' . '.-I-' "
John Amos Jackson--r|iist where diB he nt into the
picture9 Why would a loving grandmother and mother
who wanted to be reunited with herson and his wife
and her grandson ... why would-she bring that hateful
'.old ^nan-^ong.lwith.,b»E?..^,.,,.,,,,,, .,.,.v>.v,,.:,^;^.-:.^., 11 '
;^,;, ,,,,} .'^.'.,,,'"t '';.',.-:, '.1,:',.:..';1'.„,,/ I',.',...''.. ^
sw /' ,1 " ' 1 .1
Honor Thy Mother

He never bothered to took around. He thought I was
safely asleep, in that little bed where they liked to keep
me. But I saw Daddy leave the house.Was he going to
see my grandmother? Wish everybod^d leave her
alone, so I could have her back like she used to be, all
..mine. . - !-- , :. , -- -. - . --
Apple was goae. Oone to where puppies and ponies
went. "That great big pasture in the sky," said Jiohn
Amos with his glittery pale eyes watching me carefully,
like he thought 1 was the one who stabbed the pitchfork
in. "You saw Apple dead? You reallysaw him dead?"
"Deader than a doornail."
I sneaked along the winding jungle paths that were
taking me straight into hell. Down, down, down. Caves
and canyons and deep pits, aad sooner or later we'd
find the door. Red. The door to hell would be
red--maybe black.
Black gates. Magic gates swung wide to let Daddy
through. She wanted him. Rne son Are was, putting his
mother into the loony bin, and next he'd put me iriohe
of those fanny farms where they laced you up in
straitjackets (wonder what they were?). Terribte
anyway, whatever it was.
The gates clanked together. Knew Mom was back in
her room typing away those p^ges like she really
'm
thought it was just as important as dancing. She didn't
seem to mind sitting in that wheekhair, didn't seem to
Mind at all unless she heard Jory playing that dance
music. Then her head would lift; she'd stare into space;
her feet would begin to keep time.
"What's intricate mean. Momma?" I'd asked when
she said Jory had the concentration to learn intricate
dances quickly.
"Complicated," she'd answered. Justlike a dictionary.
She had dictionaries all over the place, little ones,
middle-sized ones, a huge fat one that had its own stand
that swiveled around.
Had tomake my feet do intricatethings. I tried'as I
slipped along behind Daddy, who never glanced back-
wants. I was always looking over my shoulder, staring
to the left or to the right, wondering, always wondering.
Dratted shoelace--ouch! Down I was--again. If he
heard me cry out, he didn't look back. Good . . . had
to do all this secret stuff uke a good spy. Or a thief, a
jewel thief. Rich ladies had tots and tots of jewels.
Ought to get in some practice while she was gabbing
with her doctor son, crying and constantly asking him
to forgive her, have mercy, take her back and love her
again. Boring. Didn't like Daddy so much now, was
back to how I used to feel before he saved my leg from;
being "amputated." Dratted man was trying to drive
away the one grandmother I bad. What other ki4 had ^
grandmother so rich she could give nun everything? ;
"When? you going, Bart?"
John Amps appeared out of nowhere, his eyesi;
glowing in the dark. "None of your damn business.1" B
snapped like Malcolm would have done. Had Malcolm's
journal flat against my chest, under my shirt.
The red leather was sticking to my skin. I was learning
how to make money out of rage. j
"Your father is in that house, talking with your
8l»
grandmother.Now youget in there and-do your job,
and report back to me every word they say. Y®uhear?"
Hear? Was him who needed a hearing aid, not me.
Else he would do his own spying through the keyhole.
But allhe could do was peek, couldn't hear very good.
Couldn't bend over much better, and couldn't pick up
anything he dropped.
"Bart. . . did you hear me? What the devil are you
doing heading for the back stairs?"
Turned to stare at him. On the fifth step I was taller.
"How old are you, John Amos?" ;
He shrugged and scowled. "Why do you want to
know?"
"Never saw anybody older» that's all."^
"The Lord has ways of punisNag those who show
disrespect to/their elders." He gritted his teeth. They
made the sound of dishes conking in the sink.
"I'm taller thanyou are now."
"I'm six feet tall--or I used to be. Boy, that's a height
you will never reach unfess you always stand on staas"
I narrowed my eyes and made them mean like
Malcolm would. "There will come a day, John Amos,
when I'll stand head and shoulders taller than you. And
on your knees you will come begging to me, pleading,
pleading; sir, sir,you'll say; please let me get rid of
those attic mice. And I will say to you. How do I know
you are worthy of my trust, and you will say to me. In
your footstepsI will follow, even when you lie in your
grave."-., : ^1 .^1--:;'" ' . ': ^'-; -'';:;;'.'' '
What I said made Mm slyly smile. -
"Bart, you are learning to be as clever as your
great-grandfather, Malcolm. Now, put off whatever
you plan to do. Go back to your father, who is with
your grandmother this very second. Remember every
word you hear, and report bacfc ta me."
Like a spy, clFawfedtIsRiHgfi^AedMrtwaiter, which
was hidden behind a pretty Oriental screen. From there
I could sneak my way to a hidden place behind the
potted palms.
There they were, the. two of them, doing the same
old thing. Grandmother pleading. Daddy rejecting. Sat
down and made myself comfortable before I pulled out
my pack of roll-my-owns. Cigarettes helped when life
got boring, like now. Nothing to dp but listen. Spies
never got to say anything, and it was action I needed.
Daddy looked nice in his pale gray suit, like I wanted
to look when I grew up—tout I wouldn't-—I didn't have
.his kind of good looks. I sighed, wishing I was his real
son.
"Mrs. Winslow, you promised to move, but I look
around and see you haven't even packed one box. For
the sake of Bart's mental health, for the sake of Jory
whom you say you love well too, and most of all for
Cathy, go away. Move to San Francisco. That's not too
far away. I swear I'll visit you when I can. I'll be able to
find opportunities to see you and Cathy will never
suspect."
Boring. Why couldn't he say something different?
Why did he care so much what my momma said about
his mother? If ever I was so unlucky as to nave a wife,
I'd tell her she'd better accept my mother or get out.
Get the heQ out, as Malcolm would put ft. I
"Oh, Christopher," she sobbed, pulling out another
of those lacy handkerchiefs to wipe at her tears. "I want
Cathy to forgive me so I can have a small place in your '
lives. I stay on because I'm hoping eventually she'll
realize I'm not here to harm any of you . .. I'm here
only to give what I can." ,
.Daddy smiled bitterly. "I suppose you are talking
again about material things, but that's not what achild
needs. Cathy and;! have done all we can to make Bart]
fed needed, tored and wanted—but he can't seem to
understand his relationship to me. He isn't secure in
what he is, who he is, or where he's going. He doesnt
have a dance career like Jory to guide him into the
future. Now he's grasping, trying to find himself, and
you aren't helping. He keeps his innermost seff very
private, locked up. He adores his mother, he distrusts
his mother. He suspects she loves Jovy more than she
loves him. He knows that Jory is handsome, talented,
and most of all, adroit. Bart is not adroit at anything
but pretending. If he would confide in us, or his
psychiatrist, he could be helpedr-but he doesn't confide."-'1'1'1 . 1 '- -..-1" "I ; - . - :.
I had to wipe a tear from my eye. So hai-d to hear
about myself, and what I was, and -worse, what I
wasn't---like they knew me insicfe out, and they didn't.
They couldn't. ;' '' ' -" '''V1^';;111'"'-'^-1^;
"Did you hear any pfwhatlji^tsaid, Mrs.' Wins- lew?" IDaddy shouted, "Bart does not nke Us image
that reflects onty weakness--no Skills, no grace and rip
authority. So he oorrows firbm all the books hels read,
from aD the TV snows he's watched, and sometimes he
even borrows from animals, pretending he's a wotf, a
dog,acat."{ " ,'' /.^'J.",, '., "''""„, .' .'.''. :.}.'"Why,
why?" she moaned. He was telling all any
secrets. And a secret told had no value, none at all.
"Can't ;you guess why? Jory has thousands of photographs
of his father, Bart has none. Not even one."
That madehesbolt straight, br. She flared with
anger. "Andwhy should he have his father's pictures?
Is it my (ault my second husband^didn't give his inistress
his photograph?"
I felt stunned. Whatwfis this? Sure, &>ha Amos had
told me crazy stories, but I'd thought he made them up*
just as I madeup stories tQ^haseawayboredom.^ Waste
all true that nty own moinma had been the bad woaaan
who had seduced my own grafldn3tftN»e»'< seeeaKt*u»- 1 . 1 anband? We I really the son of that lawyer-man named
BartfaohBew Winslow? Oh, Momma, how can I ever
stop bUg you now?
Daddywas wearing that funny smile again. "Perhaps
yourbefaved Bart thought he didn't need to give her
his photograph when she'd have the Hying man in her
own hoK and in her bed as her lawful husband. She
told h» before he died that she was expecting his child,
and he would have divorced you to be the father of his
chud,rihave Cathy--I dont doubt that in the least."
I w»b a tight ball, agonized by all I'd heard. My
poor, par daddy, who died in the fire at Foxworth
Hall. mb Amos tva$ a true friend, the only one who
treated ae like an adult and told me the truth. And;
Daddy hul, whose picture set in my bedroom on the
night liMe, had been only another stepfather, like
Christfl(fcer. Was crying inside from losing yet another
daddy. Vf eyes rolled from Daddy to her, trying so?
hard ft know what to feel about him and hei--andl
Monatt It wasn't right for parents to mess up the uves|
of little brines who weren't even born, mess it up s "a
much M never really know wholwas.
HopABy I stared at my grandmother, who seemt
to be wry hurt by what her son had said. Her will
handthttered up to her forehead, which was glistening
«ith beads of sweat, touching it as if hei
head tdbed. Oh, how easily she could feel pain, wh;
' couMrtI? ' , " '1;"'":';„^ "''l;li111'''' /;1 ^
"Ala^t, Christopher," she said when(thought sin
might icTer find the words, "you've had your say, nov
let »lne mine. When it came down to an ultimatum;
Cathj ad her unborn child, or me and my fortune-*
Bart mU have stayed with me, his wife. He migh
have h|it her on as his mistress until he tired of tee
but tto he would have figured out some legal way tt
take pBaessioo of his child--and then my busbant
would taR bowed out of Cathy's Ufej holding fast fi
his son. I know he would have stayed on with me, even
as he looked around for the next pretty face and
youftgerbody."
My own daddy. My own blood father wouldn't have
wanted my Momma after all. Tears stuck to my lashes.
My throat hurt, proving I was human after all, not the
freak I'd believed. I could feel a different kind of pain.
But still I couldn't feel happy; why couldn't I feel happy
and real? Theniremembered sdiae of her words ;. .
my real daddy would have found some "legal way** to
take possession of me. Did that mean he would have
stoleawe away from my owtt mother? That ^sought
didn't^ maice me'iiappy either. . y ,
Grandmothersat on, unmoving. I shriveled even
smaller, scared, so scared of what I might hear next.
Daddy,don'tlet out any more bad secrets and make me
toA^ acriora. John Amos would-force me to take acdon. I
glanced behind me, suspecting he might be listening
with a glass held to the wall so he could hear better.
"Well," -said my lather, wound mpi now. ^Bsst^
psychiatrist shows an incredible interest in you, whom
he believes to bemymother only, I wondefe why time
and again he keeps harping back to you. He seems to
think yon are the clue to Bart's secret uii»r Mfe. He
thinks you lived a secret ioner fife too-*did yda,
Mother? Whea your father made you feel less than
human, did you sit alone and plot how to have your
ownkindof^weBq^aad'aMbeiHm sHiter?"? ;^ '
What^was.tthlis?1-1'.-^^'' 1;1 .--;'".1,'----' ^ ^^
"Don't," she pleaded, "please dottt. Have a«a<yott
me, Cauistophet; I did the bes.t 1 could uader tlhe
circumstaiMaes. Iswear I did my besti*' -; -(;. ^ <
"Your best?" He laughed and sounded like Momma
when she poked mean fun. "When your fatfier's
younger half brother walked into Fbxworth Hall at age
seventeen, d»cl you iattBedisaely 8eia» h®l& Off l»
inspiration?--the supreme way to punish your father
..,'. I , } ' '--" ' ^.
for making you dislike yourself? Did you set out to
make our father fall in love with you? Did you? Did
you hate him in a way too, because he looked like
Malcolm? I think you did. I think you schemed and
plotted to wound your father in the one way that would
shatter his ego most, so it might never recover. And I
think you succeeded! You eloped and married the
younger half brother he despised, and you thought
you'd won in two ways. You had stung him where it
hurt most. Now you had power to gain his tremendous
fortune throughour father!--but h didn't work, did it?
f! haven't forgotten those days When we lived in
Gladstone, when I overheard you pleading with my
father to sue, to get what was rightfully his. But our
father refused to cooperate. He loved you and married
you for what he thought you were, and not for the
money you couldn't keep from dreaming about." '
Stunned again, I stared at my grandmother. She was
crying, her frail body shaking; even her rocking chair
seemed to quiver. I was quivering too» crying too--
..inside..' ^ ' I. . . : ' i;- .
"You're wrong, so wrong, Christopher!" she sobbed,
her chest heaving. "I loved your father! You know I
loved him11 gave him four children and the best years
of my life---the best I had in me togive to anyone,"
"Your best is so poor, Mrs. Winstow» so very»very
poor."' - . .i- ; ' , . .. "|
"Christopher!" she cried out, getting to her feet3
painfully. She spread her hands in a helpless way, j
stepping closer to look up into his face. The blacks
"shroud she wore fluttered as she shook. She threw a
fearful glance around the room, forcing me to shrink
smaller into the dim shadowy corner. Her voice
lowered.
"All right, we'vesaid enough about the past. Live
with Cathy, but accept me into your Byes. Let me have
Bart as my own son. You have Jory and that little girl
aa* - - ' .
you adopted. Let me take Bart and go away, so far
away you'll never see or hear from me again. I swear
I'lt never let anyone know about you and Cathy. I'M do
what I can to protect your secret--but tetme have Bart
for my own, please, please!"
She fell to her knees and clutched at his hands, and
when he quickly moved them out of reach, she pulled
oHmsjacket.
"Don't embarrass me further. Mother," he said
uneasily, but I could tell he was touched. "Cathy and I
don*t giveaway our children. He is not our pride and
joy at this moment, but we love him, we need hHn» and
we wiB do what is necessary to see that he-is mentality
healthy again."' : iy
'Tell me what to do, and 1*11 do it," she pleaded,
tears streaking her cheeks as at last she caught hold of
his evasive hands and she crushed them to her breasts,
"Tell me what to do--anythingbut leave. I need t&see
him, and watch and ^admire as he pretends. He's
wonderfully gifted." She began to kiss his hands as he
tried to puB them away, but he must not have tried too
hard, fop she was able to retain them both with her
fragile strength. "-i-;: lv:!l/-" '. ....'s .i';,,'
"Mottier, please ...** he begged, looking away
before be sat <lowri and hid his fitce,
"He needs mey Christopher, more thaft aiay of my
own childreitt have ever needed me* He 'loves "me;
too. . .1 know he does. H® site on. my lap and I rock
him, and I see a look of contentment on his face. He's
so youffg, so vulnerable, so^ bewildereat by taings he
can't undeistand. And 1 can help- I know- T can Help
hintr.'^': 1'^ ,.;--.'- ..;1 .,-.'-^-.i- ^-.<-,..,^.' ^'-
^Soiaethihg inside of a»e says I wont be here too
much longer," she whispered,; and I had to strain tfgr
ears to hear."!^ sae nave N»f until tneit. ^ . please,
as one last gift to the mother you usedto tow ve»y
imieli ^1;. -k^s- mother ®^ ywi, -ywiA, Oirisfa^ttet
... . the mother who cared for you when you had the
measels, the chicken pox, all those colds from staying
outside in the snow too long. Remember? I remember.
Without my memories of the good times, I could never
have lived through the bad . . ."
She was getting to him. He was staring down at her,
his eyes soft.
"Ifou said a while ago I seduced your father and
deliberately schemed to hurt my father by marrying
him. You are wrong, t loved your. father from the first
moment I laid eyes on him. I coutdup more have held
back from loving him than you held back from loving
Cathy. Chris, I have nothing left of my past. Pve lost
everything. John's the only one from my past," she
murmured low, like she was scared. "He's the only one
I have left from the days at Boxworth Hall."
" "He must know who I am then! And who Bart isi"
Leaning forward, she stretched to put her pate band
With ail-the rings on his trousered knee--I saw him
shudder at her touch. "I don't know what John knows.
He thinks all my children ran off and were lost
somewhere in the world. As far as I know, hedoesnf
^now Bart's middle name is Winslow . . . but then
again, he's so sly, he may know everything." She
trembled and withdrew her hand as if she knew it
offended him. "AM this land around here belonged to
my father. So he thinks it's only natural I would come
out here and settle down oh an estate that's been in our
family for years aad years,"
He shook his head. "And you did arrange for me to
buy my land cBeaper?"
"Christopher, my father owned land everywhere.
;Now I own all of it; But I would give ft au away Just to
-have you and Cathybackas my family. No one knows
about you and Cathy but me, and I'll never tell anyone
who you are. I promise not to shame and hurt
you--just let mestay! Let me be your rootber again!"

<B6' - .

"Get rid of John!"
Rrst she sighed, then bowed her head. "I wish to
God I could."
"What do you mean?"
"Can't you guess?" she asked, her graying head
lifted so her eyes could search his.
"Blackmail?"
"Yes. He doesn't have any family either. He pre
tends not to know about you and Cathy, but I can't be
sure. He's sworn to help me keep my whereabouts a
mystery, for there are news reporters who would be hot
on my heels if they knew where I was. So I give hi® a
good home and plenty of money to keep me safe."
"Bart is notsafe. Jory has seen John Amos whisper
ing to him. I think he knows who we are."
"But he won't dp anything," she CTied. 'TIBtalk to
him, make him understand. He won't teB . . . I'll pay
him off."
Daddy stood up to leave. For a moment lus hand
rested lightly on her head. Tlieh, looking guilty, he
quickly withdrew it. "All right. You speak to John,
order him to leave Bartalone. Don't let Bart knowyou
are his natural grandmother—-l^t him lisep on believing
you are only a kind-hearted woman who needs him for
a friend. Can you do this one small dung for me?'*
"Yes, of c6Urse,"-she agreed weakly:
"And please start wearing that veil over your head
again, fory knows you are tty mother..: but, wett,
you Toiow. Arid who knows when Cathy might decide
to be friendly and visit her new neighbor? She was busy
with her dance classes before. Now that she's not so
occupied, she'll need to see people. That was one of the
hardest thing? for her to bear whenshe was young . . .
to be kept locked up for what seemed to her centuries,
and only her mother and grandmother . . . That made
herneed'even-greater.",.:'..'..^"" • ^ : . •i^•••••^•.i}
Agam her head drooped. "I know. I've sinned and I
^K
regret it. I pray to turn back the clock, but I wake up to
another lonely day—and I have only Bart to give me
hope."
Oh, gosh, they'd known so much before I came
along.
"I have to ask something," she said in a faint
whisper. "Do you love her as a man loves . . . a wife?"
He turned so she could see only his back. "That is
none of your business,"
"But rd understand. Iquestion Bart but he doesn't
know what I mean. But he's told me you share one
bedroom."
Angry, he flared, glaring at her: "And one bed.
No<», are you satisfied-?" Once more he spun on his
heel, and this time he left.
Puzzling, gosh darn puzzling. Why did Momma hate
his momma? And why'did my grandmother ask about
bedrooms and bed?
Ranhome next. Didn't stop toreport to JfohriAmos.
Mommawasat that dratted batre, trying to pull herself
: out of that ugly wheetchair. I hidand watched. Strange
to see her awkwardr-likemeT Clumsy like me, but she
managed to pull herself to her feet and then. she stood;
shaking all over. Her face in the niuror was pale, he< i
hair a frame of gold. Molten gold, hot as hell, burning •;
as running laya. ,.1,,,:.^ .,,-;,,-., ?--,-:-'i':-'/;',1,^ '|
"Bart,is that yon?" she called* "Why^o you stare at t
me so strangely? I won't tali,; if you re^thinking that. |
JSacfeiday Jifeelfcetter, stronger. C3onie sit with me and |
tallktome. leU me what you do aU the tinifc when JF|
eaB^seeyou.^»^^yougo?"P^chmetopU^
pretend games.'^hensiwas yourageInked to prete>n(:
»».Why»Iusedtodn?awaboBtbelngtileworid^
famous prima ballerina, and I made that the most
important thing in my whole life. Now I know^it was|
newerthat important, ^ow€ kQow4^siB«lEiag^ie<Hies|
you love happy that matters most. Bart, I want to make
"you happy ..."
I hated her for '^seducing" my real father and taking
him from my poor lonely grandmother, who was her
own mother-in-law. And she must have been married
then to Dr. Paul Sheffield, who was Chris' brother but
not my real father at all. Look at her, trying to make up
to me for her neglect! loo late! I wanted to run and
shove her down. Hear her bones break, all of them.
She was unfaithful to all husbands! But I couldn't say
any of this. My legs went robbery and weak and made
me sink to the floor as all the silent screams bounced in
my head. Wicked sinful evil womani Sooner or later
she'd run away with some lover—like Malcolm's
mother did. Like all mothers did.
And why hadn't my grandmother come right but and
told me who she was? Why was she keeping k a: secret?
Didn't she know I needed a real^grandmother? She
even lied to me about who my daddy was! Only John
Amos told me the truth.
"Bart—-what's wrong?'^
Alarm on her face- Should be alarmed. Never, never
did she tell me anything but lies. There was no one I
could trust but John Amos. All the while he shuffled
along, looking weird and old, he was honest, doing his
besttosettheworld<straight^_ .
"Bart, what's the matter? Can't you tell roe» your
own mother?" -•..-,..;;,.:>., •- : .•'. •• , ^. ^ , •;her: for a mother. Wasn't fair when he burned my real
daddy to death. Ootta do something. Make it all right.
"Bart, please tell me what's wrong!"
I could barely see her. She fried to take a few steps
away from the bane and her hands reached for me, as if
she wanted me in her arms.
I'd never let her touch me again. Never, never,
never! .- :. - ' 1 ;,,. 1;:. , ;...' . - I ,. ...
"I hateyou!" I screamed, jumping to my feet and
backing away. "I hope you never walk again. I hope
you fall down and die. I hope your house burns up and
you and Cindy toot"
Ran--ran and ran until my sides hurt and my mind
was empty. ^ ''/ . - ;„,,..- ' ....;;
In Apple's stall I fall down to rest. I kept Malcolm's
journal there, hidden under the old hay and I fished it
out to read more. Soy,he sure did hatewomen,
especially when they were pretty. Didn't seem to notice
the ugly ones. I lifted my head ^nd stared into space.
Aucia.Nice name--Wonder what made him love Afida
more than Olivia? Just because she was only sixteen
when she married his old, old father of fifty-five?
Alicia slapped his face when he tried to lass her.
Maybe Malcolm wasn't asgood atkis^gashisfat^
The more''1 read the more I learned now Malcolm;
succeeded iff everything he 'did, except in malcingj
women love him. Proving to tne'Td better leave aHl women alone stoce^IWas wm^BteMalcdm. C)ve^
and over I was reading his words so I could turn into
iBni^altfpowerrult.'-';1;:^1 l-"t:- ''^''i- "^.'"^ '.^'"^ i
?0nanies. 'Wonder why women^^^
llBach?''€^tlte*in&,'.i6M^ <alri^'altf£aiBdy--J«te^
wide worid full ctf C ^mes. WBfc'Mifce<t my gpaad|
ino^ierlilBe I oseate. Now that lioiew she)wasttqtireal|
grandmother it wasn't as good. She should have told|
me. She was just another lying, sneaking, cunning,
female. Just as John Amos had. warned me.
I could smell Apple faintly. My ears heard him
munching his food; I felt his cold nose nuzzling my
hand—and I was crying. Crying so hard I wanted to die
and join him. But Apple should have missed me more.
He made me do it. He was supposed to Suffer when I
did—and he didn't. He was mine and he let grand
mother feed him, give him water—so it was his own
fault. And there was Clover, dead too. Strangled and
stuffed in the hollow oak.
Boy.Iwasbad.
Thinking about my badness made me sleepy.
Dreamed of Apple, who loved me. I woke up and ft
was almost dark. John Amoswas grinning down at me,
smirking too. "Hello, Bart. Do you feel lonely in
Apple's stall?"-
Towering above-me, John Amos didn't notice the hay
that fell from the toft above and caught on his stringy
mustache and made him look gruesome.
"How did Malcolm make all his money, John
Amos?" I asked just^te see if the hay fell off his
mustache when he spoke.
"By being more clever than those who would stop
him."
"Stop him ftoffl what?" The hay didn't fau off.
"From getting what he wanted."
"What did he want?"
"Everything. Everything that wasn't his ne wanted—
and toget everything that belongs to others you have to
be ruthless and determined."
"What's ruthless?"
"Doing what you have to toget what youwant."
"Doing anything?"
"Anything," he repeated. Stiffly he bent over to peer
into my eyes. "And don't hesitate to step on those who
get in your way—including members of your own
family. For they would do the same to you if you stood
in their way." He siaBe^thimy ."'You know, of course,
that sooner or later that doctor who is dissecting your
personality bit by bit will lock you in an institution.
That's what your parents are doing--getting ready to
remove from their lives a little boy who is proving to be
too much of a problem."
Baby tears got in my eyes.
John Amos scowled. "Don't show weakness with
tears that belong to women. Be hard, like your
great-grandfather Malcolm was." He paused to eye me
up and down. "Yes, you have inherited many of his
genes. Someday, if you keep going as you are, you will
be just as powerful,as Malcolm."

"Where'ye you been, Bart?" snapped Emma, who
looked at me all the time Uke she was disgusted, even
When I was clean.; "Never in my life have I seen a boy
who could get dirtier more quickly than you. Look at
your shirt, your pants, your face and hands! Filthy,
that's what. What do you do, make mud puddles and
wallow in them?" - ; ,
Didnl answer. Headed for the bathroom down the
hall.
Momma looked up from her desk in her bedroom.
"Bart, I've been wondering where you were.. You've
been gone for hours."
Was my own business, none of hers.
"Bart. . .answer me."
"Was outside."
"I know that. Where outside?"
'Near the wall."
"What were you doing there?"
"Digging."
"Digging for what?"
"Por worms,"
"Why do you need worms?"
"Goin'fishin." »
She sighed. "It's too late to go fishing, and you know
I don't Was you to go off by yourself. Ask your father if
he will take you fishing this Saturday."
"He won't."
"How can you be so sure?"-
"He never has tune."
"He'll take time."
"No, he won't. Never has, never will."
Again she sighed. "Bart, try to be Understanding.
He's a doctor, and he has many very sick patients. You
wouldn't want his patients to go unattended, would
you?"
Wouldn't care. Rather go fishing. Too many people
in the world anyway . . .especially women. I ran to
bury my face in her lap. "Momma, please get weH
quick. YOU take me fishin! Now you don't have 16
dance, you can do all the things Daddy never has time
for. You can spend all the time with me you used to
spend with Jory dancing. Momma, Momma, I'm sorry
about what I said," I sobbed, "I don't reaBy hate you!t
don't want you to fall down and die. I just feel mean
sometimes and I can't stop. Momma, please don't hate
me for what I said."
Her hands were soft and comforting in my hair as she
tried to smooth it down and make it stay neat. Hair
brushes and hairspray never worked, so how could her
hands? I buried my face deeper in her lap, thinking of
how John Amos would scold me if he knew,'though I'd
already told him what I'd said to her, and he'd smiled,
so pleased I was talking like Malcolm. "You shouldn't
have done that, Bart," he said to confuse the. "You
have to be clever, make her think she's having her way.
If you let her know how you feel she'll find a way to
defeat our purpose. And we do have to save her from
the Devil, don't we?"
I raised my head to stare up into her pretty face,
making teals streak my face for the living tie she had to
be.Been.married three tunes, John Amos hail told me.
I didn't really care if she was good or evil, as long as I
had her for my own. Pd make her good. I'd teach her to
leave all men alone—but me.
To win I had to play my cards just right, and deal out
the aces one by one, like John Amos had told roe. Bool
her, fool Daddy, make them think I wasn't crazy. But I
got mixed up. I Wasn't crazy, only pretending to be
Malcolm.
"What are you thinking, Bart?" she ashed, still
stroking my hair. v
"Got no playmates. Got none but what I make up. ;
Got nothing but bad genes from inbreeding—and as for
my environ—well, that's no good either. You and |
Daddy don't deserve any children. You don't deserve

anything but the bell you have already made for ,
yourselfl" .. - ,^.--, ,•.:,;. '•, .„, • 1,11', |
Left her sitting stunned. Glad to make her unhappy, |
like she was always making me. But why didn't
happiness come and make me tough? Why did I run to
my room and throw myself down on my bed and cry?
Then I remembered the one person who didn't need
anyone—Malcolm. He knew he was strong. Malcolm
never hesitated in making decisions, even wrong ones, I
for he knew how to twist them about and make them
righ^. So I scowled, hunched, my .shoulders, stood; up|
and shuffled down the hall, wanting what Malcolm
wanted. I saw Jory dancing with Melodie and went in
Momma's worn to report to her., "Stop what you*reK
doing'" I yelled. "Sinning is going oa between Jkwyand?^
Metodie--they'reIdssiBg—aiaking a baby," li
Her flying fingers paused over the typewriter keys.|
She smiled, "Bart, it takes morethan hugging wan
yssBttg tojnake a baby. Jory is a gentleman and won'"
take advantage of an innocent young girl who is decer
and wise enough to know when to say stop,"
She didn't care. All she cared about was that
book she was writing. I didn't have any more chance
with her now than I'd had whenshe Was a dancer.
Always, always she found something better to do than
play with me.
I clenched my fists and hit at the doorframe. There'd
come a time when I was her boss, and she'd listen then.
She'd Know who she'd better ,play with. She'd been a
better mother when she taught ballet classes. At least
she had a free moment once in awhile. Now all she did
was write, WRITE. Mountains and mountains of white
paper.1... .. ' :. „ . .:.
Again she stopped paying attention to me, and
reloaded her typewriter as if she had a shotgun to loll
the world. She didn't even notice when I took a box
she'd filled and put aside as she began to fill another
with her words on papers
John Amoswouldbe interested in what she'd
written. But before he read asBeet,I'd.re»il(themt&st.
Even if I had to use a dictionary every minute I
struggled to understandsome of top longer words She
used. Appropriate ... knew what that meant. I think.
"Good night. Momma." >
She didn'tbeat me. Just went right on -as. if I weren't
there. ^ .-.''.- .,./ .; .' '''. :'^' -. '"11: 1 ;'
Nobody ever ignored Malcolm. When he spoke
people jumped to do his bidding. I was gonna make
myself over into Malcolm. ' , : ^
A week later I was spying on Mom aadiory. They
were beftM® the long mtooc fe the "rec" room^aodJory
was helping Momma use her bad leg. "Now don't think
of falling. I'm right in back and I'll catch youif your
knee gives way. Just take ft easy. Mom, and soon you
will be walking just fine." <
She didn't walk just fine. pounds ery step she took seemed
to hurt, Jory kept his hands on her waisftokeepher
from even tottering, and somehow she made it to the
end of the fcone without falling. Weakly she waited for
t^fla to push up her chair so she could sit down agau
^sjfi turned the foot rests into position as she held up he
.^gs. "Mom, you're strongereach day."
*'But it's taking so long."
**Yousit and write too long at a tune.Remembel
.^yur doctor said to get up more often, and sit less . . .
'She nodded, looking exhausted. "Who was that ton
^ftance call from? Why didn't they want to speak t
*^-<»>i -
fflft-
His face breaking into a smile, Jory explained: ":
^0S my grandmother Marisha. I wrote and told hf
^?out your fall, and now she's flying West so she ca
.^place you in your school. Isn't that great. Mom?"
She didn't took happy even a little bit. As for me,
t^ted that ole witch!
"Jory, you should have told me before."
"ButMom, she wanted it to be a surprise. I wouldn
rt^ve told you today, but I think it's not very polite ft
^peifAst to drop in out of the blue. I knew you'd want t
^t ready, took pretty, tidy up the house ..."
- Funny kind of took she gave him. "In other weeds,
A^n't look my best now, and. my house is messy?"
, .Jory smiled with all that charm I hated. "Mon
.^cwi're always pretty, you know that, but too skinny
^id too pale* You've got to eat more and get outside
tAftle mole each day. After all, great novels area
'rtritten in a few weeks."
Later on that same day I followed Jory out into th
^^rd, then I hid in my special hideaway place to spy o
•(omrna and Jory as both took turns pushing hateft
^Sndy in her baby swing. Never let me swing Cind]
•(obody trusted me. Head shrink wasn't getting an;
^here, so why couldn't everybody give up and leave na
^(one? •:.; - "-.. •; '• •••. - • - - . • •
"fory, it's sometimes a torment to hear your balk
^fusic and not be able to dance and express all th
^notions I feel; Now when I hearjm oveituwbegtel
tighten up and cringe inside, I yearn to dance, and the
more I yearn, the harder I have to write. Writing saves
me, but it seems Bart resents my writing as much as he
used to resent my dancing. It seems I am never going to
have the ability to please my younger son."
"Aw, heck» Mom," said Jory with his dark blue eyes
sad and worried too, "he's only a little boy who doesn't
know what he wants. I know something weird is going
on in his mind."
I wasn't weird. They were the weird ones, thinking
dancing and stupid fairy tales mattered, when all others
with sense knew money was king, queen and God
almighty.-',, ' .. I - .:, i1'1 :. --..,' '
"Jory, I give as much of myself to Bart as I can. I try
to show affection and he putts away. Then he's running
away from me, or to me, and putting his face in my top
and crying. His psychiatrist says he's torn .between
hating me and loving me. Amd.rU tell 'you thisin
confidence: his behavior isn't helping me recover from
my accident." / , -- : . : :
Left then. Heard enough. Good time to sneak into
her bedroom and steal some more of her book pages.
Stuffed in my shirt drawer I bad the ones John Amos
had read and returned, so I put those'back and took
some new ones. ^
In my little green cave made of hedges"! sat down t©
read. Stupid Cindy was laughing and squealing while
her two adoring slaves pushed her into the air« Boy,
wish I had the chancfe to swing hex. I'd push so hard
she'd sail right ever the white wall and end up. in the
swimmingpool next door. The pool that never bad any
water:-11'-- ; ' 1 - - ' ^ ^ :-^1::1 .-' ^1-:-' ' 1^'',
Reading Momma's book wasvery interesting."The
Road to Riches," read the title of one of her-chapters.
Was that giri rtiaBy my own mother? Were she and her
two brothera and one sister really going to be locked up
in onei^tedroom?^ » 'i^w :,-...;-;;' ', ;..,;:^11,^
Read on until the day grew old and the fog came in
and smothered me.
Got up and went inside the house, thinking about
another title in her book. "The Attic." What a
wonderful place to hide things. I stared at Momma,
who was kissing Daddy's lips, teasing him, asking him
about his pretty nurses, and had he found someone to
replace her yet. "A beautiful young blonde of twenty or
so?"
He appeared hurt. "I wish you wouldn't make a joke
out of my devotion. Cathy, don't provoke me with silly
.remarks like that. I give all I can to you because I love
you with a passion I recognize as idiotic."
"Idiotic?" she asked.
"Yes, it is, when you don't respond as passionately as
I do! I need you, Cathy. Don't let this writing come
between us."
"I don't understand."
"You do understand! Our past is coming aKve.
You're living it again as you write. I peek in and see
your face, watch the tears streak your face and fall on
the paper. I hear you laugh and say aloud the words
that Cory said, or Carrie. You're not just writing,
Cathy.. .you are reaving."
Her head bowed down and her loose hair fell and
covered her face. "Yes, what you say is true. I sit at the
desk and relive it all again. I see again the attic gloom,
the dusty, immense space; I hear the silence more
terrifying than thunder. Loneliness that knew me well
then comes and burdens my shoulders, so I took up
startled to see where I am, wondering why the windows
aren't heavily covered over and when the grandmother
will come in and catch us with windows not covered.
Sometimes I'm startled to look up and catch Bart
standing in the doorway staring at me. First I think he's
Cory, then I can't account (or _lw dark hair and his
brown eyes. I look at Cindy and think she should be
larger, as old as Cory with the darkhair, and I'm
confused, not knowing the past from (he present."
"Cathy." His voice was worried. "You've got to give
this up."
Yes, yes. Daddy . .. make her give it upf
She sobbed as she fell into his arms, and tightly he
cradled her to his heart, murmuring sweet love words
in her ear that I couldn't hear. Rocking back and forth,
like true wicked lovers. They looked like the couples
I spied on sometimes, the ones who "made out*'
on lover's lane, which wasn't so far from my grandmother's
mansion; .
"With you put the book away, wait until the children
are grown and safely married . . . ?"
"I can't!" Even I could hear the ageny in her voice,
as if she'dliKetoif she could. "That story is in my brain
screaming to get out, to let others know now some
mothers can be. Somethingintuitive aiBd^wise feBrme
that when I have it down, arid it's sold toa publisher,
and made into a book for everyone 16 read--Omy then
will I be set free from all the hate I feel for Momma?"
Daddy couldn't speak. Just went on holding her,
rocking, and his blue eyes, staring into space above the
head that was pressed against his chest, seemed tormented. ' 1- " ' ;'^'."-.' '<''''
Stole away to play alone In the garden, fory's bM
witch grandmother was coming. Didn't want to ever see
her again. Momma didn't like her either; I could tell
from the way she grew tense and careful around her, as
if afraUt her qinektongBe would betray her.
"Bart, my darling," caBed my own grandmother
sofifly&dlia tier side of the tBidc while wall, "Tve oeen
waitteg fttf^yoa 1Q come over all ^day; When you don't
come I get worried, and (hen Tin unhappy. Darling,
don't sit atone and pout; Remember rm over here,
willing to do anything I can to make you nappy^ ,
I ran. Fast as my legs could take me. I climbed the
free, and she had a stepladder waiting there for me;
could get to the ground safely. It was the same lad
she used to peer over at us.
"'I'm going to leave the ladder there for you to us
she whispered, hugging me, covering my face with
kisses. Lucky for me she took off that dry veil first
don't want you to fall and hurt yourself. I lov&yoi
much, Bart. I look at you and think of how proud y
father would be. Oh, if only he could see, his son.
handsome, brilliant son!"
Handsome? Brilliant? Gee . . . didn't know I
either one. It felt good to be told I was wonderful, i
made me believe I was every bit as good looking
Jory, and every bit as talented too. This wa
grandmother. The kind I'd always wanted. One v
loved me and no one else. Maybe John Amos '
wrong about her after all,
Again I sat on her lap and let her spoon ice en
into my mouth. She fed me a cookie, a slice
chocolate cake, then held the glass of milk for m<
drink. With a full stomach I snuggled more comfort!
on her lap and rested my head on the softness of
"full breasts that smelled of lavender. "Corrine use<
use lavender," I mumbled sleepily with my thumi
my mouth. "Sing me a lullaby . . .nobody ever s
me to sleep like Momma sings to Cindy . . ."

"Lullaby and good night..."

Funny. As she sang softly, seemed I was only
years old, and a long, long time ago I'd sat just like t
,on my mother's lap; and beard her sing .that yeryse
"Wake up, darting," shesaid,tickling my face^
iheedge of her sleeve, "'nroe for you to go home b
Your parents wiB be worried--and they have suffe
enough without having more anxiety about your will
abputSi" ', 1. , ,: . ... -... , . -, ; ;,1/.
a*p
Oh! Over in the corner John Amos had overheard
her speak. It was in his watery pale blue eyes that
gleamed dangerously. He didn't like my grandmother
or my parents or Jory or Ondy. He didn't lifee anyone
but me and Malcolm Poxworth.
"Grandmother," I whispered, hiding my face so he
couldn't see my Hps move, "don't let John Amos hear
you say you feel sorry for my parents. I heard him say
yesterday they didn't deserve sympathy." I felt her

"What's sympathy mean exactly?"
Sighing, she held me tighter. "It's an emotion you,
feel when you Understand the troubles of others. When
you want to help, but there's aothing you can do.''
"Then what good is sympathy?"
"Not muchgood m any meaningfulway," she said'
with her eyes looking sad. "It'sonty good is letting you
know you are still human enough to have compassion.
The best kind of sympathy moves one into action to
solve problems."

John Amos whispered as I sneated -oat into the
evening shadows: "The Lord helps those who help
themselves. Remember that; Hart." Oravefy he returned
the pages of my mother's manuscriptI'dgrreri;
him to read.'"Put these baclceAactty as you found
them. Doa*tget them soiled. And when sne's wriften
more, bring those---efnd you will be able then to solve
all your own problems. Her book is telling yott how.
Don't you understand, that's why she's "writing ft."
Bver Since Bve

She was coming now, coming from Greenglenna, Sout
Carolina, where the graves grew like weeds. Any day;
could expect to look up and see her ugly mean face.
My own grandmother was a thousand times better|
Sometimes lately she left her face unveiled. She'd wea
a little makeup to please me--and it did. Sometime
she even put on a pretty dress--but never-never did sh
let John Amos see her in anything but that black rob
and the veil over her face. Only for me was she pretQ
"Bart, please don't spend too much time with John;'
He'd warned me many times she wouldn't approve
"No, ma'am. John Amos and me don't get along."
"I'm; glad. He's an evil man, Bart--cold, cruel an<
Nartless," 1. , :.;, ,-:.- '-..' - . . -.'-1;-J
"Yes, ma'arn. He don't like women much."
"He told you that?" »
"Yep. Tells me he getsjonely. Tells me you treat him
like dirt and refuse to speak to him for days on end,*'
"l-eave John alone. Avoid himall you can--but keel
on coming to see me, 'You're aB I have now."Sbt
patted the wrt sofa cushion, inviting me to sit besid<
her. I knew by now that she sat in comfortable chain
whenever John Amos had gone into the city. :
"What does he do inSan Francisco?" I asked. He
went there often.
Frowning, she puBed me into her an» and iMid i
S«8
close against the soft silk of her rose-colored dress.
"John is an old man, but still be has many appetites that
must be satisfied."
"What does he like to eat?" I asked, curious about an
old man who had false teeth and great difficulty
chewing even chicken, much less steak. Mush, jello,
bread sopped in milk---that's what John Amos usually
ate., . ,;- .. . . --
She chuckled and kissed the top of my hair.
"How's your mother? Is she walking well now?"
Changing the subject. Didn't want to tell me what he
ate. I shifted away. "Bit by bit she's getting well, so she
tells my daddy, but she'snot so hot. When he's not
home sometimes she gets a cane and uses that, but she
doesn't want Daddy to know."
"Why not?"
"I don't know. Allshe wants to dp now is play with
Cindy, or write. That's aB she does, honest Injun!
Writing books is just as exciting to her as dancin ...
sometimes She gets aB hot and bothered lookin."
"Oh," she murmured weakly, "I was hoping she'd
give if up."
So was I. But it didn't seem likely, ".fory's grandmother
is comm* soon,real soon. Think1 might run
away if she decides tostayinour house.1' " ;
Again she said "oh" as if surprises were stealing her
tongue. "It's all right. Granny,'* I Said, "dotft like her
like I like you." "
Went home around lunchtime, chuck full of ice
cream and ealoe. (Realty was begihningto hatesweets.)
Momma was at the barre, doing exercises before the
long mirror, and I had to be careful she didn't spot The.,
when I ducked behind a chair. I guess we had theonly
family room in the world with a barre at one end and a
ten foot long mirror in back of ft.
"Bart, b that you hiding behind the chair?"
^fo^Mrftoi^aesHeMytwI--BB.-^' ....-'-
w»
"Really? I've been looking for Henry Lee for so»
time. I'm glad you've finally beeri found around th
corner, around the bush . . . always looking for Hear
Lee." • .. . .; •• '- • .
Made me giggle. It was the game we used to pla
when I was little, real little. "Momma, can you take m
fishin today?"
"I'm sorry. I've got a full day planned. Perhap
tomorrow,"
Tomorrow. It was always tomOrrowC
In a dark corner I md myself, crouched down s
small I felt nobody could see tee. Sometimes when
was following Momma in her chair, I tiptoed with m
back hunched, making myself into the way John AmO
said Malcolm looked when he was old and at his pea
of power. I stared and stared at her, morning, aflei
noons, nights, trying atways to decide if she was as ba<
as John Amos said she was;.
"Bart." Jory could' always find me no matter how
hid. "Whatyah? doing now?" he ashed. "We used t
have fun together. You used to talk to me. Now ycy
don't talk to anyone." ,
Did so. laHced to my grandmother, to John Amos.,
smiledcrookedly, .sneering my^ tips in jthe way Joh
Amos curled his lips as I turned to watch Momma, wb
was. walking just as clumsy as pie now;
Jory went away and left me to amuse myself,when
didn't know how to anymore except by playing Mai
colm. Was Monama really so sinful? How could I talk t
.lory lifce I used to, when he wooldn't.beKey&Momm
told |ies ftbout who was my real father? .Jory sti
thoughtitwasDr.l^ul.anditwastf
Later on at dinner, while Momma and Daddy wet
exchanging glances, and saying silly things that mad
them laugh.and Jory too, I sat andglared at the yellow
yellow tablecloth at least once a week? Why did he
keep saying she had to learn to forgive and forget?
Then Jory spoke up.
"Mom, Jory said, Melodie and I have a date tonight.
I'm taking her to a movie and then to a supperclub that
doesn't serve hard liquor. Will it be aH right if I kiss her
goodnight?"
"Such a momentous question," she said with a faugh,
while I sat in my corner. "Yes, kiss her good night, and
tell her how much you enjoyed the evening . . . and
that's all."
"Yes, Mother," he said mockingly, grinning. "I
know your lesson by heart. Melodie is a sweet, nice,
innocent girl who would be insulted if I took advantage
of her, so TBinsult her by not taking advantage."
She made a face at him--he just smiled back. "How's
the writing going?" Jory sang out before he returned to
his room to moon over the picture of Melodie that he
kept on his nightstand.
Stupid question. Already she'd told him writing
absorbed her every wakeful moment, and new ideas
woke her up at night, and Daddy was complaining she
kept him awake with her light on. As for me, I couldn't
wait to read what was going to happen next. Sometimes
I thought she was making-it all up, and it hadn't
happened to her, it hadn't. She was pretending, the
way! did..-' ' --. ^ , ';:;-.; '- -"" ' "
"Jory,'? she asked, "have you beea bothering my
script? I can't find some of my chapters."
"Gosn,Moniy you know I wouldn't read what you
write without your permission---do I' have your permission?"
She laughed. "Some day when you are a man, I'm
going to-insist you read my book, or books. It keeps
growing and growing, so it may end up two boofas:"
"Where ate^du ^ettfag yBur ideas?^
846
Stoopto^* she P"*®^ "P an old spiral-bound book
**From this book, and from my memory." She quickl;
Aimed through the pages. "See how large I wrote whei
(was tW®!^9 ^s ^ 8rew o^er '"y ^ting became mor
'Qgetm^muchsmaHer."
SuddcrnV Jory snatched the spiral-bound book fron
kerhafld8' ^len Bn to a window where he could read i
(ew unes before she had it back in her hands. "yo)
"g-glled -a few words. Mom," be teased.
I hated tlneirTd8110*18^?; Aey were more like friend
Aan mo^10* and son. Hated the way she kept scribblinj
t^-d pa^er before she typed those words up. Hate<
*B her ju^' hCT P®001!8. pens, erasers^ and the ne<
nooks sb0'^ bou^it for her new project. Didn't have ii
oothef an^oore; didn't have a father. Never had a rea
^toe^tfad nobody, not even a i»et: ;

'./.. ^ - .' ' ' .. ^ -- ' 1 . ;' I
gmmner was getting old now, like me. My bones fe
a! and brittle, »y brain wise and cynical. And]
thoufdit* as> Malcolm wrote in his journal, that nothilj
«as as t0o4 as it used to be, and bq toy gave me ?
ateasur® I 'tB0"^1 it would before I had it. Even ^
'^giotheir^s mansion didn't look as huge as it had
In Appt^'8 steB, which was my special place ^
leading Malcolm's journal, I lefl oh the hay and tried|
rtad the ten pages a day John Amos had assigned nM
SonnetflO®* ^lud Aeibook under the hay, scmetimi^
<K)re it fl®**to '"y s^aAs I tregaa to read I chewed^
_ggg oftb6 hay, fiading my place marked with ofiil
Ifemaia'? ttttfe leather bookmarks: s

I ieB»ember soiroH the day whea I was
(^tyreighl and came home to find my widow
osed ^tbey had finally remarried. I stared at hi
bride, wboffl I later fo»»a<t out was onSy sixteen*!

knew immediately a girl so young and beautiful
.had married him only for his money.
My own wife, Olivia, had never been what
anyone would call a beauty, but she'd had some
appealing aspects when I married her, and her
father was very wealthy. Suddenly I found out
after she'd bome me two sons, she had no appeal
for me whatsoever. She seemed so grim compared
to Alicia, myStepmother of sixteen ...

I'd read this mushy tove-junk before. I'd lost my
place, gosh darn it. But I had a way of nipping through
the book and reading here andthere, especially when
boring stuff like kissing came into Malcolm's story. It
seemed so odd, as much as he hated women, that he'd
want to kiss them.
Now, here it was, where I'd left off.

Alicia was giving birth to her first child, whom I
hoped desperately would be a girl. But no, it had
to be another son to compete with me for my
father's fortune. I remember standing and looking
at her, and the baby she snuggled at her side
in the big swan bed, and I hated them both.
I said to her when she smiled up atme
innocently, and so proud of her son, as if I'd
welcome him as much as my father did, "My dear
stepmother, your son with never five long enough
to inherit your husband's fortune, for I am alive
to prevent-that."
She annoyed me then so much I could have
slapped her beautiful, cunning face. "I don^t want
your father's money, Mafcolm. My son won^t
'want it either. My son will earn his way, not
inherit wnat redi^otnei'^neB'haWroade. I'll
M7
Stooping, she picked up an old spiral-bound book.
"From this book, and from my memory." She quickly
flipped through the pages. "See how large I wrote when
I was twelve? As I grew older my writing became more
precise and much smaller."
Suddenly Jory snatched the spiral-bound book from
her hands, then ran to a window where he could read a
few lines before she had it back in her hands. "You
.misspelled a few words. Mom,"he teased.
I hated their relationship; they were more like friends
than mother and son. Hated the way she kept scribbling
onlined paper before she typed those words up. Hated
all her junk, herpencils, pens, erasers, and the neW
books she'd bought for her new project. Didn't have l|
jmother anymore, didn't have a father. Nevw had a rea|
father; Had nobody, not even a^peti

.Summer was getting old now, like me. My bones i
old .and brittle, way brain wise and cymeal. And"
thought, as Malcolm wrote in his journal, that noth
was as good as it used to be, -anct no toy gave me
pleasure I thoughtit would before Ihad it. Even
grandmother's mansion didn't look as huge as it ha
la Apple's stan,- which was"a^ special; place
reading Malcolm's journal, I fell on the hay and trie
read the ten pages a day John Amos had assigned:
Sometimes I hid the book under the hay,somet
worcitnexttomyskia.AsibegaatoreadI'chev
a pieee of the hay, fiading my pjace marted.with <
Momma's little leather bookmarks:

X remember so well the' day when L
twenty^eigbt and csssss home :to and aqs'wh
ered father had finally remarried. I stared at
bride, whom I later found out was only i
JM»

knew immediately a girl so young and beautiful
.had married him only for his money.
My own wife, Olivia, had never been what
anyone would call a beauty, butshe'd had some
appealing aspects when I married her, and her
father was very wealthy. Suddenly I found out
after she'd borne me two sons, she had no appeal
for me whatsoever. She seemed so grim compared
to Afida, my stepmother of sixteen ...

I'd read this mushy love-junk before. I'd lost my
place, gosh dam it. But I had a way of rapping through
the book and reading here and there, espedaBy when
boring stuff like kissing came into Malcolm's story. It
seemed so odd, as much as he hated women, that he'd
want to kiss them. 'Now,
here it was, where I'd left off .

Alida was giving birth to her first child, whom I
hoped desperately would be a girl. But no, it bad
to be aao*herspnto;competewiithmeformy
father's fortune. I remember standing and looking
at her, and the baby she snuggled at her side
in the big swan bed,and I hated them both.
I said to her when she smiled up at me
innocently, and so proud of her son, as if I'd
welcome him as much as my father did, "My dear
stepmother, your son wiB never five long enough
to inherit your husband's fortune, for I am alive
to preveatathat."
She annoyed me then so much I could have
slapped her beautiful, cunning face. "I don't Want
your father's money, Malcolm;: My son won't
'want it either. My son wiU earnhis way,not
inherit what mdney^iMHer^^rieB'haWm I'D
Wff
teach my son the true values in life--the values
you know nothing about."

Wonder what she'd been talking about? What were
values anyway?--sale prices? I turned my attention to
Malcolm's journal again. He had skipped fifteen years
before he wrote again.

My daughter, Corrine, grew more and more
like the mother who had abandoned me when I
was only five.
I saw her changing, beginning to develop into a
woman, and I'd find myself staring at her young
budding breasts that would soon entice some
man. Once she saw me staring,there and blushed.
I liked that---at least she was modest, "Corrine,
promise that you will never marry and. leave your
father when he's old and sick. Swear (o me you
won't leave, me ever."
Her face grew very pale, as if she feared I might
send her back into the attic if she 'refused my i
simple request. "AU myfortune, Corrihe, if you
promise--every cent I with leave to you if you
never leave'me."- 1.'1, .^"! 11 -1..-'1 ' - ''""
"But, Father," she said, IncliniagHer head and
looking miserable, "I want to get married and
have babies." :' -'. 11/ . - ' ' .
Sbesworesheloved;Hie,butin&ereye&IcouN i
see she'd leave me at the first oppottumty.
l'dseetoitshehadn0t»@yspr;meninhei'life. j
She'd attend a^school for giris only» a; strict j
reMgious school that would allow no dating.; |

I closed the book and headed home.'% my way ofi
thinking Malcolm should never h^ve married: tOUvia|
and had any chudren'--tout then, as I thought about it|
more, I would;nesrerJhave known^ my grandmother.
m..-1 " "I" ^ 111 . .
And even though she was a liar arid had betrayed me,
still I wanted to love and frost her again.
Another day I was in the barn reading about
Malcolm when he was fifty. He wasn't so regular now
about writing in his journal.

There's something sinful going on between that
younger half brother of mine and my daughter.
I've done what I can to catch them touching, or
looking at each other in a suggestive way, but they
are both very clever. Olivia tells aae my fears are
groundless, that Corrine tould never feel anything
for her half uncte, but then, Oliva is pst
another woman, true to her devious sex. Damn
the day she talked me into taking that boy into our
home. It was a mistake, perhaps the mostgrave
mistafeeo^my Me. ,'. ....,„-.--.'. .',;./^

So, even Malcolm made a few mistakes, but only
with those people who were members of his family.
Why was it,lie couldn't stand feu his sobs to, be
musicians?--for Us daughter to marry? U I'd been
Malcolm, I'd have been glad to get rid of her, just like I
wished day after day that Cindy would disappear.
I hurled Malcolm's journal to the floor and kicked
hay over it, then stomped toward the mansion, wanting
Malcolm to write about power, and how to get it, and
money, and how to earn it, and influence, and how to
demand it. All he did was write about how miserable
his two sons, his wife. and his daughter made him, to say
nothing or that young half brother who liked Corrine.
"Hello, darling!" cried my grandmother when I
limped into her parior. "Where've you been? How's
your mother's knee?*'
"Bad," I said. "Doctors say Momma will never
dance again."
"Oh," she sighed^ ^How dreadful? I'm' so sorry."
"I'm glad she; won't dance again," I assured her,
"She and Daddy can't even waltz anymore, and they
used to do a lot of that in the living room which, they
don't want us to use."
She looked so sad. Why should see look so sad?
''Grandmother, my momma don't Mas you,"
"You should watch your grammar, Bart," she
choked as she wiped away her tears. "You should say,
she doesn't likeyou--and how can you say that, when
she doesn't know Fin here?"
"Sometimes you sound like her."
"I'm so sorry .I'll never see her again on stage. She
was so wonderfully light and graceful she seemed a part
of the music. Your mother was bora for dancing, Bart. I
know she must feel tost aadempty without it."
"No, she doesn't," 1 answered quickly. "Momma's
got that typewriter and her book to work on all day and
most of the night, and that's all she needs. She and
Daddy He in bed for hours and hours, especially when it
rains, and they talk about some big old house in thje
mountains, and some Gig old grandmother 'who wore
gray dresses all the time, and I hide in the closet and! think it's just like some dumb fairy tale."
She appeared shocked. "Do you spy on your parents?
That's not very nice.Bart. Adults need privacy--
everyone needs privacy." ^
I smiled and felt good to tell her I spied on;
every«we--even her sometimes. ^
Her blue eyes grew wider and she stared at me for a^
longtime 'before she smiled. "You're teasing roe, aren't
you? Tm sure your father has taught you better than
that.; Bart, if you want people to love you and respects
you, you have to treat them as you would want to be
treated. Would you like for me to spy on you?"
"NO'" I roared. 1
Another d(y» another trip to the office of thatj
asa 1 11 ' ' - I I ^1
gray-haired old doctor who made roe lie down and close t|
my eyes so he could sit behind meand ask dumb
questions.
"Arc you But Sheffield today or Malcolm?"
Wouldn't say nothings
"What is Malcolm's W name?"
Was none of his business.
"How do you feel about your mother now (hat she
can't danceballet anymore?"
; "Glad." /..^^'::^.11:.G.^1./'.',-,1 ,:
Took him by surprise. He got busy scribbling down
notes, getting real excited so his face was red when I
opened my eyes and turned to take a peek. I thought
I'd g^elrim moieto®et®Kated about. "I wish Jory
would fall and smash both his kneecaps Then I could
walk faster than him, and run faster than him, and do
everything Iwtter too. Then when I come into the room
everyone will look at me, not him."
He waited for more. When nothing else came he said
gently, "I understand, Bart. You fear your mother and
rather don't love you as much as they do Jory."
Rage took me over. "Yes, she does!-She loves me
better! But I can't dance. It's the dancing that makes
her laugh with Jbry, and'frown with me. I was gonna
grow up and be a doctor---but now I don't want to.
'Cause my real daddy wasn't a doctor like they told me.
He was an attorney;"
"How do you know that?" he asked.
Wouldn't tell him. None of his business. John Amos
told me. Heard grandma telling Dad, too. Lawyers
were smart, real smart. That would make me smart
too. Dancers didn't have good brains, just good legs.
"Is there anything else you would like to tell me,
^rt?" , „.- '. . : : .' 7-'-^ ; / .^...::1„; ;^;.1 '
"Yeah!" I snapped, jumping up from the couch and
grabbing his letter opener. "Last night the moon was

-.JIM.

Sa&. 1 looked out of the window and heard it callin
me. I wanted to howl. Then I needed to taste bloc
ran like crazy into the woods, and on into the t
when out of the night appeared a woman who
beautiful, with long, long golden hair."
"And what did you do?" asked the doctor will
paused. -
"t killed her, then ate her."
He scribbled away, and I picked up several of
lollipops he kept for his younger patients. Then 11
about six more, thinking my grandmother might <
one, at least.
WhenI was home I hurried over to Apple's stall
mpped backwards through the pages of Maloo
journal; t needed to find outsomething---and
skipped Some mushy pages before. I wanted to k
what drew him toward women whorn he despised.

It was fall again, and all the trees wore brilHai
autumn colors. I followed Alicia into the wooc
as she rode .her horse with admirable skill. I ha
to spur my horse to make him gallop and giv
chase. She was so enchanted with the beauty c
Ac season she didn't seem to hear the beat of m
horse's hoofs. For a brief second lost sight of he
when she disappeared into a thicket. That's whe
1 suspected she might be beaded for the lah
where! swam when I was a child. One last swm
before summer was gone and winter turned th
water icy.

Cherry-flavored lollipops were my favorites. I In
and licked until I could stick out my tongue and si
red as blood. Good to read and eat sweet stuff
skimmed through the sickening glop that followed
pages on end. Gee, Malcolm must have started making
money aftd gaining power when he was much older.

Just as I suspected, she was in the pool, her
glorious body as flawless as I'd guessed it would
be. And to think my father was enjoying all of
that while I had to endure the frigid body of a
woman who could only submit, never enysy.
Dripping and shimmeringshe stepped from the
lake to the grassy bank where her clothes lay
waiting. My breath caught as I beheld her in
sunlight. The spill of her glorious hair caught red,
gold, with dark amber, shadows, and the floss
between her thighs curted wet and dark.
She saw me then and gasped. I hadn't realized
Fdstepped out of the shadows.

Thank God she slapped him, and told hum off. Now,
now, he was getting to be like the Malcolm I knew him
to be: mean, hard, ruthless and rich,

"You'll pay for this, Alicia. Both you aad your
son will pay, aadyearly pay. Nobody rejects me
after leading me on, and letting me believe--"

Closed the book and yawned.

Madame M

Another Jetter had come from my grandmother M
sha to announce that shewas on her way to take <
my mother's ballet class, ^itedTn have the chano
see my grandson more often, and give him the bei
of my experience."
Mom was none too happy, since she and Madame
did not have a dose or warm relationship, and this
always bothered me. I loved them both, and wai
them to love each other.
We were all waiting for Madame to show up,
starving because already she was an hour late. Sl
telephoned to say she didn't wast anyone to meet 1
as she was independent and not accustomed to h
waited on. Nevertheless, Mom had-helped En
prepare a gourmet meal, and now it was growing o
"Lord, but that woman can be inconsidera
complained Dad after looking at his watch for the t<
time. "If she had allowed me to meet her at the airp
she'd be' here by now."
"Isn't it^trange," asked Mom with a mocking sn
"when she always insisted that her students be pun
al."
Finally, an hour after Dad ate alone and hurried
to do his hospital rounds, Mom retired to her bedt<
to work on her book until my grandmother arrt<
as* i
"Bart," I called, "come oa and play softie game with
me. Checkers?"
"No!" he bellowed, keeping to his dark corner, his
eyes black and mean as he crouched there, almost
unblinking. "I'm wishing for that ole lady to fallfrom
the sky."
"That's mean, Bart. Why do you always say such
hateful things?"
He refused to answer, just sat oh staring at me.
The doorbell rang. I jumped up and ran to Open the
door. ' " .' , , ' '",;',' , "/ ; . ' ' ' 1' .
My grandmother stood there smiling and rather
disheveled looking. ;
She was at least seventy-femr,I knew'that,crinkled,
old and gray. Sometimes Tier l^air Was yet black, and
sometimes it had two inches of white near the coots.
Bart said It made her look like a skunk or an old black
seal. He thought her hair was so slick she kept it oiled.
But Ithought she looked wonderful when she, threw her
arms about me and hugged me close, tears streaking |
her rouged cheeks,She didn't even gi^e Bart a glance. |
"Jory, Jory, how handsome you. are»" she said. Her
bun of hair was so huge I guessed it might be fake.
f "Can I call you Grandmother; when we're not in
I-class?" , ^^-} .^i..--.^,^::^-..^,'.i.': ^'
| "Sure, yafa^" she agreed, :nodding;lite; a bird. "Bat
; only when nobody else is around,,;yott hear?" ' .
; "There's Bart," I said to remind her to be poUte^-
which she seldom was. She didn't Iflee Bart, and he
didn't like her. She gave Bart a brief nod, then casually
dismissed him as if he didn't exist.
"I'm so glad to have' a few momentsalone with you,"
Madame gushed, hugging me again. She pulled me to
the family room sofa, and together We sat wWfe Bart
stayed in hisdttti corner. ^1 teB^^, J^^w
I wrote and said you weren't comingagain this summer, I
felt in, really ill. I made up my mind then and there th
I'd had enough of this once-a-year grandson, and I w
selling my own dance studio and coming out here
.help your mother. Of course I knew she wouldn't wa
me, but so what? I cannot endure two long years
longing to see my only grandchild.
"The flight here was ghastly," she went on. "Turb
lence an the way. They searched me too before
boarded, like some criminal. Then we had to circ
round and round the airport, waiting our turn to lan
It made me sick enough to vomit. Finally, just befo
our plane ran out of fuel, we landed—bumpiest lan
ing, I thought my neck would break. Great God
heaven, you should have heard what that man want*
.for his rented ear. He must have thought I was made
money. Since I've come to stay, 1 decided then ai
there I'd buy a car of my own. Not a new one, but
nice old one tnat Junan would have loved. Have I to
yoa before your father loved to tinker around with o
cars and me them up so they'd run?"
Boy had she told me that before.
"So, I paid those crooks the exhorbitant price
eight hundred dollars, and Stepped into my new red c
and look off for your place, reading a map as my c
choked and chugged along. I felt so happy tobeon c
way to you, my beloved grandson, George's only hei
Wfay^it was just like it used to be when your father w
an adolescent, and he'd rush home so proud to take n
for a spin in his new car made out of old junk 1
salvaged from the city dump."
Her sparkling jet eyes seemed young, and she w<
me again with her affection, her praise. ". . . and li:
old todies everywhere, you have to understand once
get started thinking backward all sorts of memories a
triggered. Your grandfather felt so happy the day Julii
was born. ^held,ypur;<&ther in, my, arms, andstared )
at my husband who was so handsome, like Julian, li
ase
I you, and Icould have butst with the pride I felt to give
| birth at my age tor the first tune with so little difficulty.
5- And such a perfect baby your father was", so wonderful
I from his very beginning."
I wanted to dare and ask how old she was when my
fatherwas bom--but I didn't havethe nerve. Somehow
the question must have shown in my eyes. "Noae of
your damn business how old I am," she snapped, then
leaned to kiss me agaio.?tMy, but you are even better
looking than your father was at your age, and I didn't
think that possible. I always fold Julian he would have
looked better with a healthy suntan,buthe'ddo
anything to defy me, anything--even keep himself
unnaturally pale." Sadness clouded her' eyes. To my
surprise she glanced then at Bart, who was listening
too--and anothersufprise> he seemed, interested.
She still wore the same black dress that seemed stiff
with age, and over that, she wore a+ra^ty^fl leopard-
skin bolero that had seen better days. "No, one really
knew your father, .Jory, just as no one realBy.possessed
him. That is, no one but your mother." ;
She sighed, then went on as if she. bad to say ft all
before my mother appeared. "So, I've determined I
have to know my Julian's son better than I knew him.
I've decided too you .have to loye me, because I was
never sure Julian ever did. I keep telling myself that the
son born of the union between n»y son and your mother
would have to make the inost wonderful dancer, with
none of Julian's hang-ups. Your mother Is very dear to
me, Jory, very dear, though she refuses to believe that.
I admit T used to be nasty to her sometimes. She took
that as my true feeling, but I wasonly angrybecause
she never seemed to appreciate my son."
Uncomfortable 'with this sort of taflc, I shifted away
from her; my first loyalty Was to my mother, riot to her.
She riotieed- my attitude bat went on regardless: '
"I'm lonely, Jt»ry, T neetf to 'be fiear you, near her
^ ':.... .' ' . ^asr
too." Remorse like evening shadows came to darken
her eyes, putting additional years on her face. '"Hie
worst thing about growing old is being lonely, feeling so
alone, so purposeless, so used up."
"Oh, Grandmother!" I cried, throwing my arms
about her. "You don't need to ever feel lonely or
purposeless again. You have us." I hugged her tighter,
kissed her again. "Isnt this the most beautiful house?
You can live here with us. Have I told you before my
mother designed it herself?"
Madame looked with great curiosity around the
family room- "Yes, this is a lovely home, so like

Catherine. Where is she?"
"She's in Ker room writing."
"Writing tetters?" She looked hurt,as if Mom should
be a better hostess ari not attending 16 trivialities;
"Grandmother, Mom is writing abook."
"A book? panceis can't write books!"
Grinning. I junipei up and did a few practice steps
out of habit. "Madaae Grandmother, dancers can do
anything they set their nrihds'to. After all, if we can
endure the fctod of pin we do, what else is there to
'fear?'"- ' ' . ' ' ' "' /' ' ' , ' .'
"Rejections," snipped Madame. "Dancers have
sky-high e^os. Oac rejection slip too ^"Y aod]
MommywiBI come a»slung down." 1
I smiled, tfhunkimftat was a good one. She'd never;
come crasb^^dowtven if the mailman brought her a
thousand regiectionips. ,:
"Where*& your ftter?" she asked next, i
"Making, Xlis evel^, rounds at his hospitals. He sai4
togivfryoiK his apBtigtes-He wanted to be here andj
welcome ywa to oiiiorae, but you didn't show up o<|

schedule." I
She sno«-«ed, at I that were his fault somehow^
"Well," slaws sadd,|^%ap a«» toc*fa^MQw»d tN|
1
room somewhat more critically, "I guess it's time I
went in and said hello to Catherine--though certainly
she must have heard my voice."
Certainly she should have, it was shrill enough.
"Mom gets very engrossed. Grandmother. Sometimes
she doesn't even hear her name spoken from a foot
away."
"Har-rumph!" she snorted again. Then she followed
me down the hall. I rapped softly on Mom's closed
door, and cautiously opened it when She mumbled
something like , . . "Yes? .. ."
"You've got company. Mom."
For a second it seemed I saw dismay in my mother's
eyes before Madarae stalked arrogantly into her bedroom,
Giandmother flung herself' down, without an
jnvitation.to sit, on the velvet chaise tongue.
"Madame M.!" cried Mom. "Howiswwterfeu to see
you again. At last you've decided to come and see us
instead of the other way ;arouod." y Why
was she so nervous? Why did she keep glancing
at the portraits on her aightstand? Same old portraits
of Dad and Daddy Paul. Evea my father was there, but
in a small oval frame, not wide silver ones.
Madame glanced at the nigbtstand too--and
frowned.
"I have many wonderfully framed portraits of Julian,"
Mom hastily explained, "but Jory likes to keep
them in his room."
Again Madame snorted. "You're looking well, Catherine."

"I'm feeling well, thank you. You look weU too." In
her lap her hands worked nervously, just as her feet
kept the swivel deskchair in constant motion.
"Your husband, how is he?"
"Fine, fine. He's making hospital rounds. He waited
foryott»,bHtwD»By«»diffi»'fcAoB^up..."
"I understand. I'm sorry I'm late, but people in rt
state are robbers. I had to pay eight hundred for a pieS
of junk, and it dripped ou all the way here." '
.Mom ducked her bead. I knew she was hiding
laugh. "What else can you expert for eight hundred*
Mom finally managed, i
"Really, Catherine. Julian never paid much for aa
car he owned, you know that." Her strident voice gr^
reflective. "But then he knew what to do with the jui
and I don't. I guess I let sentiment run away with a
common sense. I should have bought the better one I
a thousand, but I'm also thrifty." Next cameh
question about my mother's knee. Was it healed? Ho
soon would she be dancing again?
"It's fine," said Mom testily. (She hated forpeople
question her about her knee.)*'! only notice a IN
pain when it Tains."
"And howis Paul? It's been so longsince I sawhl
last. I remember after you married him I felt so angpj
never wanted to. see you again, and Igave up teaehil
for a few years." Again she glanced at the portrait'
Dad; "And does yonf brother Still live withyou?"
Silence came and burdened the air as Mom studft
the smiling portrait of my stepfather Chris. Wh
brother was she talking about? Mom didn't have
brother anymore. Why did Madame took at Dad wh<
she asked about Cory?
"Yes, yes, of ceurse," said Mom, making me puzzh
as to What she meanf. "Now tell me all about Gree
glenna and aairmont. I want to hear about everybod
How is Lorraine DuVal? Whom did she marry? Or d
she go on to New York?"
"He never married, did he?" pursuedOrandmoth
-with her eyes narrowed.
"Who?". .'. ..'. ....' ...' , .'. . - '
"Your brother," --.';.---;'... . , ";. -' 1"1.

880

",No, he hasn't married yet," answered Mom, again
testy. Then she was smiling. "Now, Madame, I have a
big surprise for you. We have a daughter now and her
name is Cindy."
"Hah!" snorted Madame, "I already know about
Cindy." There was a strange gleam in her eyes. "But
still I would like to see and hear more about this
paragon of all little girls. Jory writes she may have some
dancing abilities." A
"Qh, she does, she does! I wish you could see her in
her little pink leotards trying to imitate Jory or me--I
mean when I could dance."
"Your husband must be getting along in years by
now," Madame said, disregarding photographs Mom
tried to show her of Qndy, who was already in bed for
the night. ; ?
"Did Jory tell you I'm writteg^a book? It's really
fascinating. I didn't think it weald be when I first
started but after I mastered transitions I really surprised
myself, and now writing is more fun than work.
Just as satisfying^ as dancing." She smiled and fluttered
,her hands about, plucking at lint on her blue pants,
tugging down herwhite sweater, fiddling with her hair,
shuffling papers to tidy her desk. "My room is a mess. I
apologize for that. I need a study, but in this house we
don't have the room ..."
"Is your brother making hospital rounds too?"
I sat there, not understanding who this brother was.
Cory was dead. He'd been dead for years. Though
nobody laid m his grave, nobody at all; Little headstone
beside Aunt Carrie and nobody there ...
"You must be hungry. Let's go into the dining room
and Emma can heat up the spaghetti. The second tune
around it's always better ,..,","
"Spaghetti?" snapped Madame. "You mean you eat
that kind of junk? You allow my grandson to eat
. ,- aaa
starches? Years and years ago I warned you to sti
away from pasta! Realty, Catherine, don't you ev
learn?"
Spaghetti was one of my favorite dishes--but we
had leg of lamb tonight in Madame's honor, fixed tl
way Momma thought she liked it best. Why had si
said spaghetti? I gave my mother a hard look and sa
her flustered and breathless, looking as young
Melodie, as if she were terribly afraid something mig
go wrong--and what could? -
Madame M. wouldn't eat at our house, wouldi
sleep there either, for she didn't want to "inconve
ience" us. Already she'd found a room in town, close
Mom's dance school. "And though you havent aski
me, Catherine, 111 be delighted to stay on and repla
you. I sold out my school the moment Jory wrote ai
told me of your accident,"
Mom obuld only nod, looking queerly blank.

A few days later Madame looked around the offi
that had been Mom's, "She keeps everything so nei
not like me at all; Soon-I'll have it looking Kke b
own.".. ; . - -. . ....,- - - .'... ..-- . : .
I loved her in an odd kind of way, the way you lo'
winter when you're hot in the summer. And then win
winter was shivering your bones, I wished it would |
away. She moved so young and looked so old. Win
she danced she could almost make you think she w
eighteen. Her black hair came and went according
which day of the week it was. I'd learned by now sl
used some color rinse that was shampooed in and soi
came out to darken the teeth of her white comb, I lito
it best when it was white, silvery under the lights.
"You are everything my own Julian was!" she criig
smothering me with too much gushing affection. /
aa» ' ' I ' ' ' ' ' II . / ,'!
ready she'd dismissed the young teacher Mom had
hired. "But what makes you so arrogant, huh? Your
momma ten you that you are sensational? Always your
momma thinks the music is what counts most in the
dance, and is not, ^ nor. It is the display of the beautiful
body that is the essence of ballet. I come to save you. I
come to teach you how to do everything perfect. When
I am done with you, you will have flawless technique."
Her shrill voice lowered an octave or two. "I come too
because I am old and may soon die and I do not know
my grandson at alL I come to do my duty by being not
only your grandmother, but also your grandfather and
your father too. Catherine was big fool to dance when
she knew her knee could fold any second—but your
mother was always big fool, so what's new?"
She made me furious. "Don't youtalk like that about
my mother. She's not a fool. She's never been a fool.
She does what she feels she must—so 111 tell you the
truth and you let her be. She danced that last time
because I pleaded and pleaded for her to dance at least
one time with me professionally. She did it for me,
Grandmother, for me, not herself!"
Her small dark eyes turned shrewd. "Jory, take
lesson number:- one in my philosophy course: Nobody
ever does. anything for anyone else unless it gives them
even more," .-
Madame swept all the little mementos Mom cher
ished into the trashcan, like they were so much junk.
Next she hauled up a huge beat-up satchel, and in
minutes bad the desk more cluttered with her junk than
it had been before.
Immediately I knelt to take from (he trashcan alt the
things I knew m^r mother loved. ;
"You don't love me like you love her," complained
Madameinagritty voice of self-pity that sounded weak
and old. Startled at the pain in her voice, I looked Up
and saw her as I'd never seen her before--an
woman, lonely and pitiful, clinging desperately to
only meaningful link to life she had--me.
Pity flooded me. "I'm glad you're here, Grandm<
er, and of course I love you. pon't ask if I love
more than anyone else, only be happy that I love yo
all/as I'm happy you love me for whatever reason
kissed her wrinkled cheek. "We'll get to know e
other better. And I'll be the kind of son you wanted
father to he--in some ways--so don't cry. and
alone. My family is your fanuly." ,
Nevertheless, tears were a^ her eyes, streaking
face, making her lips quiver as she clutched at
desperately. Her voice came»cracked and old: "N<
did Julian run to me like yon^just did. He didn't lik
touch or be touched. Thank you, Jbry, forloving n
little." ','''.', . .","'1';! '^"^ ;.
Until now she'd been just, a summer event in my
nattering mewith too much praise; making roe
special: Now I was uncomfortable to know she'd
here always, shadowing all our lives---perhaps.
Everything was going wrong in our lives. Mayl
could put all the blame on tlhat old woman next d<
Yet here was another old woman in black, ten tt
more trying than Bart^s grandmother, more domina
too. Bart was a kid who needed some control, but!
almost a man and didn't need more mothem^;. V
some resentment I pulled away from her dutch
dawlike hands a^d asked, "Grandmother, why is i
graadmoaiers like to wfcar black?"
"Ridteuloust" she snapped. "Not all dot" Heir
eyes 'atere like stones of black fire.
^'But I've never seen you wear any color but bla<
"You will never see me wear another color." '
. "I den't understand. I've heard my mother say'
wore black before my grandfather died, beforei
father died. Are youampeipetualTBROHnang?" yi^

-N*'' . " 1 ' ri

She sneered scornfully. "Ah, I see. You feel uncomfortable
around black clothes, yah? Makesyou feel sad,
yah? Makes me feel glad. it makes me different.
Anyone can wear pretty colors. Takessomeone special
to be pleased with only black clothes--and besides, it
saves money."
I laughed and drew away farther. I was sure it was
more the money she saved than anything else.
"What other grandmother you know who wears
black?" she asked, her eyes very narrow and suspicious. ; ' ' ' ' ' ' ""'
I smiled and backed away more; she frowned
and drew closer. My face took on a broader smile
as I neaired the door. "It's great having you aere,
Grandmother Madame. Be especially nice to 'Melodic
Richarme. l*m going to marry ner someday."1.''' ' - -1 ' .1 - - '. 1-1 " ' :-'-'1
"Jory!" she yelled. "You come back herei Do you
think I flew halfway around the world just to replace
your mother? I came for one reason only. I am here to
see that Julian's son dances in New York, in evety
major city in the world, and achieves all the fame and
glory that was due his father. Because of Catherine be
was robbed, robbed!"
She made me angry, she made me want to hurt her as
her words hurt me, when only a moment ago I'd loved
her. "Will-my fame and glory help a fatheir who lies
dead in his grave?" I shouted back. I wasnt putty for
her to mold--I was already a great dancer and my
mother had done that for me. I didn'tneed her to teach
me more about dancing--I needed her to teach me
more about learning to love someone hateful, old and
bitter. "I know how to dance already, Madame, my
mother has taught me well."
Her look of contempt made me blanch, but she
surprised me when she got up to drop to her knees aftd
put her hands in prayer position beneath her chin. She
aw
tiltedher thin face backward am seemed to stareGod
straight in his face. ,
"Julian!" shecned passionately, "if you are up there
looking down, hear (he arrogance of your fourteen-
year-old son. I make a pact with you today. Before I die I will see your son is the most acclaimed dancer in the
world. I will make of him what you could have been if
you hadn't cared so damned much for cars and women,
to say nothing of your other vices. Your son, Julian--
through him you will ave to dance again!"
I stared as she fell exhausted into the swivel desk-
chair again, sprawling her powerful leg? before her.
"Damn Catherine for marrying a doctor years and
years older. Where was her common sense.?--where
washis? Though to give credit where credit is due, he
was handsome years ago and appealing enough, but she
should have known he'd be old before she even reached
her sexual maturity.-She should have married a man
nearer her own age." /
I stood before her, baffled, trembling, beginning to
feel closet doors in my mind opening--creakily opening,
reluctantly. No, no, my mind kept saying, keep
quiet Madame. I watched her jerk upright, her dark
stabbing eyes riveting me to one spotso I was unable to
leave when what I wanted most was to run, and run
fast. , ;v^;,,.- '- ..,^.:' .:';1 ., .' - , :
"Why do you teembte?" she asked. "Why do you
look so strange?" <
"Do I look strange?" I
"Doa't answer questions with questions," she j
barted."Tell me about: Paul» your stepfather, how he j
fares, what he does. He was twenty-five years older ',|
than your mother, and she's thirty-seven now. Doesn't |
that make him sixty-two?" , ? |
H swallowed ever an aching lump that came to dog |
my throat. "Sixty.-twp is^ not s® old," i said meekhE, |
thinking she should laiowfhat;rf» was in her seveflties. 1
aw ' - ' , I, , .1
"Baa- a man it is old; for a woman life is
beginning to stretch out." .
"That is cruel," I said, beginning to dislike her again.
"Life is cruel, Jory, very cruel. You snatch from life
what you can while yon are young, for if you wait'for
better tiroes to come tomorrow, you wait m vain. I told
Julian that time and again, to live his life and forget
Catherine, who loved that older man, but he refused to
believe any giri could prefer a middle-aged man to
someone as handsome and vibrant as he was, and now
he lies dead in his grave, as you just said. Dr. Paul
Sheffield enjoys the love that rightly belonged to my
son, to your father.
I was crying tears she couldn't see. Hot scalding tears
of disbelief. Had my mother lied to Madame and made
her believe paddy Paul was j^al^?>1^y^^W^
lie? What was wiong about ^.(Bari^iiyg,:1®^,^^!^
younger brother Christopher?
"You look ill, Jory. Why'?"
"I feel fine, Madame."
"Don'tlie to me, Jory. I can smell a lie a mile away,
see a lie from across three thousand miles. Why is it
Paul Sheffield never accompanies his family to his own
home town? Why is if your mother always brings only
her children andthat brother, Christopher?''
My heart was pounding. Sweat ghied my start to triy
skin. "Madame, have yotf never met Daddy Paul*s
younger brother?" ^ v - ; '
"Younger brother? What's that you sa^?" Sheteaffled
forward and peered into my eyes."Never heard of afey
brother even during that awful time wBetfPauPs ft^t
wife drowned their son. That was spread aB bver -flhe
newspapers, and no younger brother was mentioned.
Paul Sheffield bad only one sister—no brother, younger
or older".:. :.• ^. i::.' . •^ •^i- •-::- • /•-. -;. -' ^ -^^
l£eltfick,jead^totbeowi.^>.AaadytocrycMrtand
run aad <lo sameA^«f^ »id |wnM to iBysetf, lite
Bart did when he was hurt and disturbed. Bart--for the
first time I was feeling what it was to be like Bart. I
stood on unsteady ground, afraid everything might
crumble if I dared to move.
Through my mind kept running the steady stream of
age, years and years of age difference, and Dad wasn't
that much older than Mom, only two years and a few
months. She was born in April, he was born in
November. And they were so much alike in coloring, in
background, they spoke without even saying a word,
just a glance and they understood.
Madame was sitting coiled, ready, so it seemed, to
spring upon me--or Mom? Deeper lines etched around
her narrowed eyes, her grim-thin lips. She pursed her;
lips and reached into some hidden pocket of her drab
outfit for her pack of cigarettes. "Now ."she said as if to
herself, seemingly forgetting I was still there, "what
was it Catherine gave as an excuse the last time Paul
didn't come? Let's see, she called first, long distance,
explaining Chris would come with her because Paul was
too ill with his heart trouble to travel. She was leaving
him in the care of his nurse. Thought that odd at the
time, thatshe'd leavehim whei» he needed a nurse, and
travel with Chris." She bit down 0n her lower lip,
chewed it unconsciously. "And last summer no visit
because Bart hated ole graves and ole ladies--and l|
suspect, me in particular. Spoiled brat. This summer
they don't come again because Bart has driven a rusty,
nail into his knee and develops blood-poisoning Or;
something similar. Damn kid is more trouble than he s
worth--serves her right to for playing around so soon;
after my son's dea^t. And Paul has heart trouble, oa^
and on he has heart trouble, yet be never has a fatal:
attack. Every summer she gives me that same worn'
excuse. Paul can't travel because of his heart--but
Chris, he can always tiaweli» heart or no hearths ^
868 I
Abruptly she stopped talking, for I had moved to
leave. I tried to make my eyes blank and erase all the
milling suspicions I didn't want her to see. Never had I
felt more afraid than I did at that moment, just
watching her Scheming eyes, the wheels churning,
planning something I knew.
At that moment she jumped to her feet with great
agility. "Put on your coat. I'm going home with you to
have a long chat with your mother."

The Terrible Truth

"Jory," began Madame when we were in her ratty old
car and driving homeward. "Your parents don't confide
in you much about their past, do they?"
"They tell us enough," I Said stiffly, resentingthe
way she kept prying, when it didn't matter, it didn't.
"They are very good.listeners, and everyone, saysthey
make the best kind of eonversatipn&ts."
She snorted. "Being a good listener is theperfect
way to avoid answering questions yw'd^ather ignore,."
"Now you look here. Grandmother. My parents like
their privacy. They have asked both Bart and me not to
talk about our noBie life to our friends, and after all, it
does make good sense for.a family tosticktogether,"
"Really ... ?"
"Yes!" Ishouted, "I like my privacy too!"
"You are of an age to.need privacy;they are not."
"Madame, my, mother was a celebrity of sorts, aasd
au9
Dad is a doctor, and Mom has been married three
times. I don't think she wants her former sister-in-law,
Amanda, to know where we live."
"Why not?"
"My aunt Amanda is not a very nice person, that's
all."
"Jory, do you trust me?"
"Yes," I said, but I didn't.
"Then tell me all you know about Paul. Tell me if
he's as sick as she says, or if he is alive at all. Tell me
why Christopher lives in your home, and is the one who
acts like the father of you and Bart."
Oh, I didn't know what to say, and I was trying hard
to be a good listener so she'd keep on talking and Pd be
able to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Certainly I
didn't want her to get the picture before I did.
A long silence grew, and finally she spoke. "You
know, after Julian died, your mother lived with you in
.Paul's home, then she took you and her younger sister,
Carrie, to the mountains of Virginia. Her mother lived
there in a fine home. It seems Catherine was deter
mined to ruin her mother's Second marriage. The
husband of your mother's mother was named Bartholo
mew Winslow." ;
Thaf cursed dam tomp came back in my throat and
ached there. I wasn't going to tell herthat Bart was the
son of anyone but Daddy Paul, I wasn't!
"Grandmother,, if you want me to keep on loving
you, please do not tell me ugly tilings about my
mother."
Her skinny hand reached to squeeze mine. "All
right, I admire yoa for being so loyal. I just want you to
know the facts." About that time she almost careened
off the road into another ditch.
"Grandmother, Iknow how to drive. K you are tired
and-fiao't seeth& roadsig9s,'wry^eB,;^can,tafee^)ver,
and you could sit back and relax." r
"Let a fourteeh-year-old kid 4rive me around? Are
you crazy? Are you saying you don't feel safe with me
at the wheel? All my life I've been driven around, first
in haywagons, then carriages, then taxis or limousines,
but three weeks before I came here, soon after your
letter came telling about your mother's accident, I took
driver's lessons at theage of seventy-four . . . and you
see now how well I learned."
Finally, after four near misses, we made the turn into
our circular drive. And there out front was Bart
stalking some invisible animal with his pocketknife held
like a dagger, ready to thrust and kill. „
Madame ignored him as she pulled to a stop. Briskly
I jumped out and raced to open her door, bust she was
out before I got there, and just behind her Bart wa§
stabbing into the air with ha knife, "Death to the
enemy! Death to all old ladies who wear black raggedy-
clothes! Death, death, death!"
Calmly, as if she didn't hear and didn't see, Madame
strode on. I shoved Bart aside and whispered, "If you
want to be locked up today, keep on with what you're
doing."
"Black . . . hate black . .. gotta wipe out all dark
black evil."
But he put the knife in his pocket after he carefully
folded it and stroked the pearl handle he admired. He
should. It had cost me seven bucks for that present.
Without waiting for a response to her impatient push
on the doorchimes, Madame stalked into our house and
tossed her purse on the loveseat in the foyer. The clack
of typewriter keys came to us faintly.
"Writing," she said, "I guess she goes at that just as
passionately as she did dancing ..;'*
I didn't say anything, but I did want to run ahead and
warn Mom. She wouldn't let me. Mom looked up very
startled to suddenly encounter Madame Marisha again
in her bedroom.'1 '/";'-!"1;-: '':::-"11 ^"-' ."':1'',
"Catherine! Why didn't you tell me Dr. Paul Shef
field was dead." .
.Momma's face went red, then white. She bowed her
head and put her hands up to cover her face. Regaining
her composure almost immediately, she raised her
head, flashed angry eyes at Madame, then began to
shuffle her papers into a neat pile. "How nice to see
you, Madame Marisha. It would have been nicer if you
had called in advance. However, I'm sure Emma can
split the lamb chops unevenly and let you have
two.. ."
"Don't evade my question with silly talk of eating.
.Do you think for one moment I would pollutemy body
with your stupid lamb chops? I eat health foods, and
health foods only."
"Jory," said Mom, "in case'Emma saw Madame, run
tell her not to set another place."
"What is all this idiotic chatter about lamb chops? I
' drove here to ask an important question, and you talk
about food. Catherine, answer my question—is Paul
Sheffield dead?"
Mom looked at me and .gestured I was to disappear,
but I couldn't. Istood my ground and defied her. She
paled more and seemed appalled that I, her darling,
would riot, obey. Then, as if resigned, she muttered in
an indistinct way: "You never asked me about myself,,
about my husband, so I took it you weren't interestedl
in anyone but Jtery." ;
"Catherine'" |
"Jory, please leave this room immediately. Or dp I|
have, to get up and shove you out?" |
I backed out the door just before she reached to;
throw it shut. , |
Barely could I make out what she said on the otheil
sKie fl(.the door, but I .pressed my,ear, against it,,an,<|
heard. "Madame, you don't know how much I bavt|
9SS
needed someone to confide in. But you were always so
cold, so remote, I didn't think you could understand."
Silence. A snort.
^'Yes; Paul died, years ago. I try not to think of him
as dead but as still alive, though invisible. We brought
his marble statues and benches here and tried to make
our garden grow like his. We fafled. But still, when
twilight conies and Fm out in the garden it seems lean
sense him near, still loving me. We Were married for such a snorttune. And he was never really well... so
when he died, I was left feeling unfulBH^
yearning to give him the years erf |ta|^^mi^rrie<Ilii^
owed him. I wanted somelK)wi^n»a^^^Jtttte»Bis
nrst.wife."' /'.', 1:: 7'^ , ^.''.^^'11.^'L:1'.!^^':^':;.,'.',
"Catherine," said Madame softly, "who is this man
your children call father?" ",
"Madaroe, what I do is none of your business.." I
could hear the anger building in Mom's voice. "This is
flot the same kind of world you grew, up in. You have
not lived my life, and been inside my mind. You have
not known the kind of deprivations I suffered when;!
was young and needed love most. Don'tyou.stethere
and condemn me with your dark mean eyes» few you
can't understand;" .,:-,:,; ,-, ,,;^,/- ..^.--
"Oh,-. Catherine, how little credit you give my
intelligence. Do you think me dumb, blind and insensntive?
I know now very well who the man is my grandson
calls Dad. And it's no wonder you eould never tove my
Julian enough. I used to think it was Paul, but now I
see it wasn't Paul you truly loved; it wasn't that Bartholomew
Winslow either--it was Christopher, your
brother. I don't give a damn what you and your brother
do. If you sleep in his bed and you find (he happiness
you feelwasstolen front you long ago, I can rationalize
and say that -much worse-goes on every day than
brotheraad sister who pretend to be husband anff'wife.
. . ^s
But Imust protect my grandson*. 'He comes first. You
have no right to make your children pay the price for
your unlawful relationship."
Oh!—-What was she saying?
Mom, do something, say something, make me feel
good again! Make me feel safe and real again—make it
all go away, this talk of your brother you've never
'mentioned.
I crouched down lower, bowing my head into my
'hands, not wanting to hear, not daring to leave.
, Mom's voice came strained and very hoarse, as if she
were having trouble Ikeeping tears away. "I don't know
how you found put. Please try to understand. . ."
"As I said before, I €1011*1 give a damn—and Ithink I
do understand. You couldn't love my son, as you could
neverfove any man more than you loved your brother.
I'm bitter about that. I'm crying inside for Julian, who
thought you an angel of perfection, his Catherine, his
Clara, his sleeping beauty that he could never wake up.
That*s what you were to mm, Catherme/tli» personifi
cation of all tte dancing dolls of the ballet, virgin and
pure, sweet and chaste, and in the end you are no
belter than the restoi us."
"Reaset"crfedMbm,"IlrfedtoescapeChris.Itrred
to love Julian more. 1 did, I really did." -
"No,you didn't try. If you had; you would have
succeeded." • .•• '•• • ' / •••'.' ••'^^ ^
"You can't know!" came Mom's distressed cry.
"Catherine, you and I have traveled the same road
for many a year, and you've let little bits and pieces of
information drop along the way. And then there is
lory, who tr»» his best to shiektyou ..." ;
"He doesn't know? Please say he doesnTknow!"
^hink the old can live to be seventy and still not blow
more than they do at fourteen. .They think they have a
monopoly on experience, because they see us not doing
very much, white every moment of their lives are full,
forgetting we too were young, once. And we have
turned all our mirrors into windows . . . and they are
still behind the aurroi's looking only at themselves."
"Madame, please don't speak so loud. Bart has a
way of hiding and eavesdropping." .,'. ' ?. ^ »
Her strident voice toned down, making it more
difficult for me to hear. "All right, FB-ha^aays^aiad;
go. I don't think your home is the pfope^place *fcHpa
boy of Jbry's sensitivities to grow 'u^ fa. "Phfr a^ae- sphere here is tense, as if a bomb might explode any
moment. "Your younger son m obroausty? tewewl irf
psychological-he|tp--why, he tried id .stab^iineaassr- approached yoar hoH|e.1*-^ i^- .1 -^yy ^xi/:,sm !''^:'
"Bast is . always's^a^iag- 'games; <;r1^ 'Isaitt&liiftala,::
weakly.'.' : '--i' ":.^f,^.ll'.^.^c^;'?:^^?g^:^^^ws^^
"Hah! Somegames he plays! His knife almost slit my
coat. And this coat is almost new.^ It^ w81be my last
coat, the one m wear until 'I'm dead."
"Please, Madame, I'm not in the mood for talk of
death.'" - .; .-1: -^ .-;..: : . ,..1:.:..-.1 . -.r^-.
"Did! ask for your pity? iEr^eutooteit that wayy teen
I reverse positions; 1'fl wear flu® coat as long as I Mw.
And before I die I have to-see 3ory^achieve^fteffuae
that should have been Julian's." "I'm
doing what I can," said Mom wearily, sounding
so terribly tired.':- "I- 'j;; , '' ' ,;. '"'., :w "^
"What you can? Helland damnation! Ifoulive here
with your brother, risking public humiliation, and
sooner or later your fragile bubble will pop, Joty will
suffer. His schoolmates will touat him. The reporters
will hound you, him, everyone in this house. The law
will. take youichUdreafeotftyau."
"Damn you, Catherine, for not listening. I guessed a
long time ago that in time you would succumb to your
brother's adoration. I thought even when you married'
your Dr. Paul that you and your brother. ..well,
never Blind what I thought, but you married a man
almost dead. Was it a guilty conscience?"
"I don't know. I used to think it was because I loved
him and I owed him. I had a thousand reasons for
marrying him, the most important being he wanted me, ;
and that was eaough."
"AH right, you had reasons enough. But you hurt Biy
son. You didn't give him what he needed, and I never ;
understood how you could resist. He used to cry,
raying you didn't love him enough. Always he said
Acre was some mysterious man you loved more---and I
didn't believe him then. Bool, wasn't I? Bool, wasn't
he? But we were aH fools when it came to you,
Catherine. You were so beautiful, so young and
innocent seeming. Were you born old and clever? How ,
did you know so well, so eariy,au the ways of making a
man love you beyond reason?'4
' "Love is sometimes not enough," She said dully,
whileT felt almost paralyzed with the dreadful information
I wasr overhearing. Moment by moment, heartbeat
by heartbeat, I was losing the mother I loved. I was also
losing the only father I'd ever had long. enough to love,
"How did you find out about Chris and me?" Mom
asked, making me quiver mare;
"Does it matter?" shrieked Madame. I was pinning
my hopes to her, hoping She too wouldn't betray me.
"I'm not dumb, Catherine, as I -said before. I asked a
few questions. Ilistened to J&ry's answers, and I added
up the facts. It's been years since I saw Paul--but Chris
was always (here. Bart is on the brink of insanity from
what Jory innocently lets out---never intentionally, only
carelessly, for he loves you. Do you ttriofc I can, stand
quietly by and let you andyour brother.wreck my
«78 i
grandson's life too? I refuse to let you ruin his career,
his mental health. You give me Jory to take back East
with me, where he'll be safe and far removed from the
bomb that will explode and splatter your lives onto the
front pages of every newspaper in this countryl"
I was sick. I'd opened the door a bit, enough to see
my mother was paler than death. She began to tremble,
as I was trembling--but She didn't have tears in her
eyes as I had in mine. Momma, how could you live with
your brother when the whole "world knows that's
wrong? How could you deceive Bart and me? How
could Chris do that to us? And all this time I'd thought
he was so perfect, so right for you, for us. Sin, sin. No
wonder Bart went around chanting about sin and the
torments of everlasting hell. Somehow Bart had found
out before me.
I sank to my knees and leaned my head against the
door, closing my eyes and trying to breathe deeply to
stop my stomach rumbling and wanting to rise,
Mom spoke again. It was easy to tell she was trying
hard to bold onto her temper.
"Th lose Bart for even a few months in some
institution is nearly driving roe crazy. But to lose Jbry
as well wou/ri drive me crazy. I love my sons, Madame,
both of them. Though you have never given me credit
for having mercy on Julian, I did the best I could for
him.; He was not an easy man to live with. You andyour
husband made him wnatAe-waiMiot 'w^dMttifcAH^
him to dance when he would have played batt if given
his way. I didn't punish him by making him practice
every weekend, soheneverhadti^^^tefan^^oro^
Georges did that. But it was me who paid that^piiee. He
wanted to devour me alive, forbidding meany friends
but him. Jealous of every man who looked my way,
every man I looked at. Do you know what it fe tos Bwe
with a-man who suspects you deceive^ him when you're
out of his sig^t?j Aad ft wasn't ate -wfao--did;;A&
, , -iBr
betraying—it was him. I was faithful to Julia
let another man touch me, but hecouldn't hai
same thing. He wanted every pretty girl h<
wanted to use them, discard them, then con
me and have me hold him in my arms and tel
wonderful he was . . . and I couldn't sw
wonderful when the stench of some other
perfume was all over him. Then he'd hit m<
know that? He had to prove something to
didn't know then what he had to prove, I
do—he had to find the love you denied him,
I felt weaker, sicker, as I saw my gra
blanch. Now I was losing my real father,
adored as a saint.
"You make your points very well, Catty
they hurt. But now let me make mine. Gee
did make mistakes with Julian, I admit thai
and our son paid the price. Are you going
Jory in the same way? Let me take tun
Greenglenna. Once we're there I'll arran;
audition for him in New York. I have
connections. I did manage to turn out tw
dancers, one named Julian, the other nan
erine. I was not all bad, nor was Georges. P
let our own dreams blind us to what others vi
we tried too hard to live through our child. Tl
wanted, Catherine, to live through Julian. I»
is dead and he has left behind one child, fl
your son. Without Jory I have no reason to
With Jory I have every reason to go on. R
your life give, don't take."
NO, NO! I didn't want to go with Madans
I watched Mom bow her head until her 1
two soft wings of pale gold. Her tremb
fluttered to touch her brow, as if anothei
terrible headaches was paining. I didn't wa*
her, sinner or not. This was my home, my <
878
was still my mother and Chris was still my stepdad,
there was Bart, Cindy and Emma too. We were a
fly—rightly, wrongly, we were a family.
inally Mom seemed to find a solution. Hope rose in
heart.
Madame, I'm throwing myself on your mercy, and
inn to God you have some. I realize you could very
[ be right, but I cannot give up my firstborn son.
. js the one good thing that came from my marriage
ulian. If you take him, you take part of me, a very
ortant part of me I cannot surrender without dying.
/ loves me. He loves Chris as much as he could love
own father. Even if I have to risk his career, I
not risk losing his love by letting him go away with
... so don't ask for the impossible, Madame. I
not let Jory go."
ladame stared at her long and hard while my heart
Biped so loudly I was sure they'd both hear. Then
indmother stood up and prepared to leave. "Hah,"
snorted. "I'm going to speak honestly now, Cath
ie, and perhaps for the first time I'll give you the full
h. I have, since the first day I met you, envied your
th, your beauty, and most of all your genius for the
ce. I know you have passed on to Jory your
aordinary skill. You have been a superb teacher. I
so much of you in him, and so much of your brother
him too. The patience Jory has, the cheerful
niism, the drive and dedication—derived from your
ily, not from Julian. But there is some of Julian in
too. He looks like my son. He has the fire of my
, and the fleshy desires of my son for women. But if
sst hurt you to save him, I will do so. I will not spare
r brother, or your youngest son either. If you do not
1 Jory over to me I wiD do what I can to bring down
r house. The law will give me custody of Jory, and
^ will not be one thing you can do to stop me once I
0 them with the facts. And if you force me to do it
879
this way, which is not the way I would choose, I will
take Jbry East, and he will never see you again."
Mom rose to her feet and stood taller than my
grandmother. I'd never seen her look taller, prouder,
stronger. "Go on, do what you must. I will not give in
one inch, and allow you to steal from me what is mine.
Never will I give a child of mine away. Jory is mine. I
gave birth to him after eighteen hours of striving. K I
have to face up to the whole world and its condemnation,
still I will stand with my head held high, and bold
fast to my children. There is no force in this world, you,
the law, anything, that can force me to give up my
children."
Turning to go, Madame glanced around the room,
allowing her eyes to linger longest on the thick stack of
papers on Mom's small desk. "You'll see things my
way,"she said in a soft cat's purr. I pity you Catherine,
as I pity your brother. I pity Bart too, savage as the
little monster is. I pity everyone in your household, tor
all will be hurt. But I won't let my compassion for you,
and my understanding of what made you the way you
are, hold back my hand. Jory will be safe with me, with
my name, not yours." ;
"GET OUT!" screamed Mom, who had lost all
control. She picked^ up a vase with flowers and hurled it
at Madaaie's head! "YOU aWED YOUR SON'S
LIEE AND NOW YOU WANTTO RUIN JORYt YOU
WANT HIM TO BELIEVE THERE IS NO LIFE
BUT IN THE BALLET, DANCING, DANCING--
BUT I AM LIVING! I WAS A DANCER, AND
STILL I AM SURVIVING!"
Madame looked around the room again, as if she too
would like to hurt some object, and slowly she bent
over to pick up the broken vase at her feet. "I gave you
this. How ironic that you would huri it at me."
.Something brittle and hard seemed to crack, as she
looked at Mom with softness, .and she spoke with rare
humility. "When Julian was a boy, I tried to do for him
what was best, just as you try to do for yours what is
best . . . and if my judgment was wrong, it was done
with the best of intentions."
"Isn't everything?" said Mom with bitterness. "Al
ways the intentions are so right, so reasonable—and in
the end even the excuses ride the waves of indignation
like that fabled straw everyone tries to grasp to keep
from drowning. It seems aB my life I've been grasping
for straws that don't exist. I tell myself each night,
before I climb into bed with my brother, that this is the
reason I was born, and for every wrong I have done I
have consoled myself by saying I have balanced the
scales with the right decisions. I have finally given my
brother the only woman he can love, the wife he so
desperately needed. I have made him happy—and if
that is wrong in your eyes, and in the eyes of the worid,
I don't give a damn. I don't give a damn what the world
thinks!"
My grandmother just stood there, with conflicting
emotions torturing her aged face. I could tell she, too,
was hurting. I watched her thin, heavily veined hand
reach to touch my mother's hair, but she drew it away
and kept her eyes blank and her voice under control:
"Again I say, I pity you, Catherine. I pity all ofyou,
but most of all I pity Jory, for he is the one with the
most to lose."
Quickly I backed away and hid as she hurled herself
out of Mom's bedroom and strode down the back hall,
bypassing Bart, who stabbed at her with his unsheathed
knife.
"Witch, old black witch!" he snarled, pulling back
his upper lip in a frightful way. "I hope you never come
back, never, never!"
I was miserable enough now to want a hole to crawl
into and die. My mother was living-with her brother.
The woman I'd loved and respected all my life was
881
worse than any.mother I'd ever beard of. None of myl
frieodt would believe, but when they did, I'd besoj
shamed, ridiculed, I'd never be able to face them. Theni
it hft me. Dad was my real ancle. Not just Barfs but|
mme too. Oh, God, what did I do now? Where did I j
run? It was not a platonic brother-sister relationship, a
fake marriage for appearances sake, it was incest. They'
were lovers,, I knew! I'd seen! . |
Suddenly everything was too sordid, too ugly,..tool
shocking. Why had; they allowed their love to start?!
Why hadtft theystopped it from happening? |
I wanted to get upand go and ask, but I couldn't bear
to look at Moin,;©r Dad either when he came home. In]
my room I feB on my bed, with the locked door making
me feet safer. When I was called to dinner I said I ^
wasn't hungry. Ne, who was always starving. Nfoia1
caaae ,to the closed door and pleaded: "Jpry, did you
overbear anything your grandmother said to me?"
"No, Mother," I answered stiffly, "I think Vm
coming down with a cold, that's all. ril feel fine in the;
monung, just fine." I had to say something to ess^am^
why my voice was husky. , ;
Somewhere in all those tears I shed I lost the boy I
was earlier today,, Now I had to become a manwifeft
old, cold, Like nothing mattered very much anymore,
and for the first time I knew why Bart was so confused
and peculiar acting--he must know too.

, I sneaked ;to watch no®' writing to hfir fine bfae- leather journal, and when I had the chance, I stole into
her- fpoxa Nad; read .every word she'd wntten, as
dishonest as thatwas. I was becoming just like Bart.
But I had to know.

Madame Marisna visited today and brought
with her all the nightmares that haunt nay days. I

-,888 . ,'

have other nightmares for sleeping. When she
was gone I felt panic throbbing so loud my heart
sounded like a jungle drum beating out 'die
rhythm of the last battle. I wanted to run and hide
as we used to hide when we were locked away in
Fbxworth Hall. I ran to Chris when he came
home, and clung, dung, unable to tell him
anything. He didn't notice my desperation. He
was tired from a long exhausting day.
Then he kissed me, and was off for his evening
rounds, and I sat alone in my room, both of my
sons silent and looted behind iSaea bedroom
doors* Do they know that soon our '(rorld is
coming to an end?? v
Should I have let Madame take Jory and keep
him safe from the scandal and humiliation? Was I
selfish to want to hold fast tohnri? And Bart,
what about Bart? And wtel would happen to
Cindy if our secret were revealed?- '
Suddenly I/felfc I was back; la EaiaitottesviBey^
with Chris and Carrie, and agate we weieoBoor
way to Sarasota. My memory seemed like a movie
as that huge black woman struggled to board the
slow bus with all her bags and bundles. Henrietta
Beech; ©ear,dearHfeony*Ifs^ibeenisi&;toBgstoe&
I last thought of her. Just to remember her broad
beaming smile, her kind eyes, her gentle hands
and a certain ^eace steals 'over aae, ffltei^ti^ir
taking me again to Paul, who would save us all.
Butwho-wiltsaw/us'Bewy' ^..l:'.;";wl!rt ,:^

Tears were in my eyes when Iput her joarBa^away.il
stole into Bart's room and found him sitting on the
floor, in the dark, hunched over like aa old man. "Hint,
go to bed," I said. Bat he dtdirtget up. HerseeiaeAnot
to hear me.

13ie Gates of Hell

Knew it, just knew it. Jory had to spy and check up on
what deviltry I was up to. Pretended not to notice.
Soon as his room was dark, I pulled out the last pages
of Momma'& story. Knew it was the end for she'd
written her initials and address near the bottom of the
page.
Didn't know why I was crying. Malcolm wouldn't
feel pity for her and nay daddy. Now I'd haveto grow
tough, mean, pretend nothing could hurt me nearly as
much as it hart others. ;
Morning came and I went into the kitchen where
Momma was helping Emma do little housekeeping
chores, making cookie dough, talking about cakes. The
woman thought evil could go on unnoticed forever.
Unpunished forever. She should knew better.
I sat in my coiner, hunched over oa the floor, my
knees-pulled up under my chin, my shins wrapped with
my arms. Boay^airms. Getting skinnier by the day. I
stared at Momma, at Daddy, hoping to look into their
minds and find out what they really thought of me, of
themselves agd whatthey were doing.I closed my eyes.
Behind my lids I saw Momma dancing like she used to
before she hurt her knee. Last summer, not so long
after I came home from the hospital and I had trouble
felling asleep, I'd stumbled into the kitchen to rob the
fridge while noBoaycbald see. I wanted (heiri aD to
ast
worry and think about me starving to death. Bat before
I could gobble down all the cold chicken legs. Momma
had danced into the family room wearing a little white
tutu with hardly any top, and Daddy had trailed along
behind: He didn't even see me. Couldn't see anybody
but.her.1 ' - ',.1 .' . 1 / -/'^.. '
She'd looked pretty to that costume, whaling
around, always smiling and flirting with the man who
stood in the shadows watching her. She teased him by
tugging at his tie, pulHnghim outintotflecenteiE'ofthe
room, forcing him to turn' annftid! and ground, ami
trying to make him dance that baBet staff. But ae^d
grabbed her in his arms and pressed his Bps 'downon
hers. ^d heard the sound, Wt and mushy. TBeri her
arms tightened around his ne^k. 1 stared to see him
unhooking all those little dark things that held her tutu
on! It slipped and feB to the floor at her feet; and she
was wearing" nothing but white leotards that he soon
tugged off4Naked. He made her ttalaed. Neri he lifted
her in ate arms, and while her lips were still pressed to
his, he carried her off to their room-t-aad aB the-time
he'd been her brother. ." ^ ' ;:
Oh, no wonder fohn Amos said theyl bad to be
punished. No <ron4er. 'Whorel Bitch! Sb»erswith my
own blood! They wouldrft get away with this; TIley^
have to bum, feiitm--taBra Uke Bay daddy, Kke-my real
daddy named Bartholomew Winstow. ; : ; j
I read all her story. I know nowng^aod meaasoaw
mothers could be.-Hiding^her four CBudreiBr, aiaH8|;
them stay upstairs ino»e jpoobi,lorefaig them to p^y' ia
a hot miserable^ attic that was fteea^ttg in tIte^wMtBrs.
AU those yeara loefced up,whippedtoo, and starwd»""- and tar in my mother's beaut^ul'gotdeitlUHr. I hfttcd
Malcohn, who'd done so many widced things to his'i&wa
grandchildren. 1abated (hat old lady nextdeor who put
arsenie ott their sug8red doughnut ¥^at kifidofciaz^
nut was she? Had she put pQBon'o'B lay ice,cream, rty
' -:1 ' '" '' -- 1.^
cake and cookies too?! shivered and felt queasy in my|
stomach. Why hadn't the police locked her up untu|
they dragged her to the electric chair to burn, burn? I
No, whispered a sly voice in my head, they don't tet|
pretty ladies <iie in electric chairs when clever lawyers |
can call killers insane.. They were locked in pretty t
palaces tucked away in green hills. That crazy woman I
was the same one my daddy had to visit each summer. |
The mother of my momma too. Oh, the sins ofmy|
momma and daddy piled clear up to the sky. Certainly :
God was gonna punish them now--and if he didn't, .1
Malcolm would see that I did. |
Went to bed that night and tried to sleep. But I kept |
thinking. Daddy was really Momma's brother--and ;
that made him really my uncle, and Jory's unde. Qh,;
Momma, you are not the saint or angel Jory thinks you
are. You tell him not to do this, and not to do that with
Melodic, and all the time you keep going into the
bedroom wnh your brother and dosing, the door.
Tellfng us never to enter when that door was shut
without knocking first. Shame, shame! Privacy, always
needing privacy to do what brother and sister should
never do. Incest!
'Wicked, both of them, just as wicked as I was
sometimes. Just as wicked as Jory wanted to be with
Melodie, with other girls--doing aU the shameful things
Eve did with Adam after she bit into the apple. Doing
those horrible things the boys whispered about in the
restrooms. Didn't.want to Uve with: them no more.
Didn't want to love Momma or her brother.
Jory kmew too. I knew Jory knew too--he.was gonna
go crazy likeMomma thought I was. But I was finally
gaining sense, good sense, like Malcolm's. The children
of incestuous parents deserved to suffer as I was being
made to suiter, as Jory was suffering. Cindy had to
sufier too, evenif she was too young and diimb to know
^g.w<^'nkp"in<^^^.,^-^^^^'^^
Yet, yet, why did I keep praying lot <3od not to let
tomorrow come?'What was I gonnado tomorrow? Why
did I want to die tonight, and save myself from doing
even worse than'^incest"'? ;
Another breakfast to eat. Hated food that tasted
nasty. Stared down at the tablectoth that would soon be
soiled when I aeeidently knocked something over. Jory
looked as lost aslfelt. ^
Days came, days went, and nobody Was happy. Dad
walked about looking sick. I guessed he knew we kaSew,
and Momma knew too. Now neftl^oae oIthemOoaM
meet our eyes or answer Joty's questions. Ii^er aslBNB
any. I heard-Momma one day rapping on .lory's locked
bedioot^ Qoo¥. "36ty, pBease tet me' ia. I know you
overh^aid when Madaa» M- was here---let me try'to
explain -how it was. When'^ybu'ialti&rstei^^ouwOitft
hate-as.""..^11' lllw;l: - ^i- .'1:/1'^ ^x&-,-"., ;.:--,--y-,
Yes he would; I'd^read fnat daiBnB^&Qk. Wasift fair
for Vfeto cheat us by^Tibt (;ivia|g urhoitorable pare«isi
Thanksgiving Day, and ole^Afieftrtugty Madaifie^A.
showed up when'she should never Aiffve^haiEt the neNe
to accept any iavitatiori. Moaunasbouldn't havegywh
her one. I thought she was gioafing when she watched
Dad carve 'the turkeyasad liof oric6diidhe'snule,and
then shffwas'lookiBg at SRiBana,^»hose eyes were red
and swollen. Crying, 'she'd been -crying. Served her
right: Didn't like turieeyanyway, wasn't nearly as goed
as chicken: DNSdy aslcedTO^waattBiEeat I !Ae^,^d^
whitoe; I scowled, riot answei^^tMnkH^Hte
so husky he must have a cold^^ut he didal dottgal^eir
sneeae, and his eyes didn't lobk weak Bke niteewhen I
had^'cold. And.'Daddywas'never^sicfe;.':" "': ':'' "^'s':;';l':l
Only Bnina was nappy, and OBdty^hatefol CSndyS
"Come, come," said EnBnawi&lfeb^teeje^
that wouldn't do any good, "ifs^aBe far retoBeiBgt^ior
giving thanks for our many blessings, including having a
new daughter'to-sit-at our'table.'*'*^"'1'" '^v^1 iy^
1; /' ' ' / . 1' 1: ,1 '/ '^I,
Revolting to hear that.
Silently Dad picked up his carving knife and &M
again, no smiles, and even I stared at him for foigettM
to give me the thigh. I looked at Momma, who seenae
Upset though I could tell she was trying to preteci
everything was still all right. She ate a bite or two cst h<
meal, then: jumped up and ran from the dining roon
Down the back hall I heard her bedroom dopr SIan
Daddy excused himself, saying he had to go and chec
on.her.' , , ., , . -^.; :' ^!, „; '.,.,; ^ ^.
"Good Lord, what's wrong with everybody?** »*e
Emma while ole Madame Marisha sat on silenti]
looking glum too. She was part of it all. Iglared at he
hating her, hating my own grandmother even «Dore- hating everybody and andy too, and all the tw
thinking maybe Emma had done some evil to0 I
keeping her mouth shut and letting all this saiurinfii
on under her long nose. hfty triedto laughs aB<l ssaali
teasing Cindy to make her laugh and eat. But I knew 1
was bleeding deep down in his heaft, just a» I w;
bleeding, crying for my real daddy who died intliatfir
And maybe Jory wascrying for his real daddy, ^»bo
Momma hadn't loved nearly enough because aU tl
time she had a brother who foyed^ her too was^- .
I wished I hadn't found out. Why did Monanaa ha'
to, go and write that book? I wouldn't really h«
believed anything John Amos told me about her, for!
thought hewas aliaf, apBet«nder,like me.'Nowr I&nt
he was the only, truthful^person in the whole woa'M.t!
only one whorespected me enough to tell the truth
Sobbing, I got up and tefc the table, g?a«»c*n&
Cindy, who was sitting on Jtory's lap-anA IsB^Mog
sheplayed with some little toy he'd given hear^ ^ev
gave me anyth^g» Nobody but a lying-bladtewiti
grandmother who didn't count gave me gffts,
aobody. . _, ',,,,.'.„,. .3,:^. ,„. .-'/ ;,";<
Then, thereieame »,.§undgiy wh^i^jMIpiBBnaKa^ ^idi
«88
seem to feel so "wretched," maybe because 'she
thought Madame M. was gbnna leave us alone, and
maybe eve» go back East where she belonged. I knew
then Momma could pretend too, Btos me, like she and
Daddy pretended m their marriage game.
I hid in the shadows near her openbedroomdoor
and watched her go down on her knees in prayer. Silent
prayers. Wondered it God ever listened;'- "
Baekinthefeie^roo^IcrotBChea^l^^
began to Hght inatches one fcy^ne, holding the flatties
so dose to myiace I could fi^t^heat^aa^awNtft
was gonna be to be pu*medal^redeeiaedby^lfi'e?]|^
awful it had been'wheB-my "real 'dad!^SoBll'w^1Bp:Bl
black sittofee.A^lwas^isf'tftHP^Im^^
my momma's womb, caBed att ^n»bltya'*1ted;w»t^taIt,
and maybe Pd even beea a girl thentt»,^rstof%
Wish Daddy wouMnt tetfiftero inucB al!wuttnra|gs I
didn't wan(W understand.5 a""y^i^i;: ^;;?'" 11:'1:- i.l^:;''''l-^
My head began to ache. ^fade jinyfiiait^attfleialhe
match shake so much I dropped the lnateh.<3>cackly 1
had to snuff it out before soriieorie smelled the carpet
burning. They'd blame iae, like they always Warned
me, not even knowing Jtory was oa^de dbing: something
perhaps just as bad. > ' ^ y; y.
What was if John Amos keptsaying^ "^cmbt motiSer
made all the bad things happen. Every one of the bad
things washerfault--4hafsthe^wayofwb^
cially beautiful women; Bvil throogh^ and' tintwagn,
tricky, sinful beautiful women, out to stea^fconimeA,^
^ah, I thought; my momnia, my'grai(KmK)the;tyatt
tricky beautiful sinful women; Telung'ine lies, hiding
from me who she really was, showing me her portrait
when she was young and beautiful, seducing my-real
fether when he was too young for her anyway. My head
ached more. Dam dratted Momma had done thesame
thing to my real daddy; ^
I sighed, ihin&mg I'd beAer get^otf^with my own
business of being the angel of the Lord, sent to act ml
Malcolm's stead. After all, I was his great-grandson,
and getting almost as smart as him. Acted like Malcolm
more and more, making my bones feel tired; making
my muscles sore and aching, getting the true feel of
being old like Malcolm had been when he was wisest.
Though it did get painful to make my heart throb so
fast Disgusted with aH women, aH. Had to fix them
all, everyone. Momma thought I didn't know, thought
only Jory knew.. .but I'd been the»a too when old]
Madame Marisha shrilled out loud enough for everyone
to hear and I'd read her book. r: '",. ^. ' - '..
Hi^ hu^woise.,]^idn'^ know wlhso I wa& anymore.
M«lpolm? Baa1% "^eah, :was MNlcolm ctow^ jfe^ heart, v
weak legs, thinning hair,, buit.so damned clever and
^wise.;-;.,^,^. „.... ^-^ ^^-.. .'7^-,^.1....;1: "" .;'- ^.: .
Stupid daughter, hiding her four children onthe
second floor and thinking I wouldn't find out sooner or
later. Pool. She should have known John would tell me
everything. She should have known so many things she
ignored, or forgot. So, she thinks I'm going to die soon,
and IS neverclimb the sta&», but why should I when
3(obn will dp that-for me. Spy, I ;tpM John, spy <» my
daughter, see what she does when she's out of my sight.
She thinks I'm going to die soon, John, and I'll change
my will and write (her hack in, but I'U have the test
laugh. She's not going to Htbcrit aBI my hard-earned
money. Jingle, jingle, jingle, hear the money inBayj
pockets, like music, the best kind of mus»c.J<ever too
old to outsmart all of them, never too old--and I'll win
as.^(|wap'wia.'M(,tbeend»^,'.. .;;..-/';,. - . ^ . ^_.
ShufiBing my feet along, I headed for their bedroom
which smelted of their evil acts of love. I paused just
outside their closed door. Inside 1 felt like a little boy
who was quietly sobbing, but I had to be Malcolm--the
stronger, older,, wiser part that was me. Where were
the blue-naite^BRmi^i^ tins WOTa^»g;re^ hco^
W»' ' "
sitting highon&hillside., Where were the servants, the
grand ballroom, the winging staircases?
Confused, so confused. Head ached worse. Knee
began to throb. Back pained, heart wasgoing to have
an attack. ,.' - '.,. -- -, : : .: ..,; :
"Straighten upthere,Bart," said that man who was
really my uncle. Scared me. Made me jump and grow
more confused."You're too.young to be nobbling
around like an old man, Bart. And your knee is just
fine." Hes gawes me a friendly pat on my head and
opened the doer tt» hisbedroom, where I coHid see my
mother was waiting-for him in the bed, her eyes wide
open andstaring up at the ceiling. Was she crying? Had
he just come home from those hateful hospitals with all
their genas?; v ? '.-. ..^-l^:^ : ^fe-.^:"^^ ^^'
"I hate you!" Iwhispered fiercdy, trying to stab him
with the glare of royeyes, "Yoni tteflcyw aWtSsfe,
don't you? You HitBk a doetor caBt be ^uxdsbed^teit
God has sent the blackangel of his wrath to see that
you and your sister are punished for the evil you have
done!". ., - . . 1'-,::^,: - , ;.' --- , --.?,all theseeds and startedthe flowers growing; Watch h«l|
face when you speak . . . and then guess who is the evSS
one." .:. '' 1 " ^' ' ' ' /1 ' ' :' " - H
I-shrank back, didn't want to hear what he had t<|
say. I ran off, bumping into a hall table, upsetting as
expensive lamp that toppled to the floor. ^
la my room I fell on my bed, shaking all oveil
panting and gasping for breath. In my chest was thai
awful throbbing pain that made iron bands tighten
about (he, squeeziflg?nte, waiEitittg^e shut off Hiy air.^1
®sltlHee toothpaste bein^^ueezed from the bottoni|
then I was roUed up tight as a Coil. Klinfully I roBe^
wet on »ny hack and stared vipst thfeceaingasi^startedl
to &ry. Hug^^at tears^idoffiny face th wet niy piBow.j
If I wet the bed for any other reason I'd get spanked for
tefi years old was too old for such baby-doings, i
W^t want to*e ten, or eighty? Same wa^ roaNng ine|
tie so oittf? Qod? Was it those children hiding nif'thei
attic, taaghing, tettghing, making thtf best OBt^xrf'tiBE^
worst that was driving mer' to' prove Mafcolm was^
smarter and they'd never get away even after he was
put in the ground. " ; ?

) Momma's goiae and left me.
I-eft me for good thus time. '
Momma^ gone and left the,
Not^ I ^doat know ho^ to end what Tve
, -.-;1 ^hertBgH'..---^1-'"-'^'1 1.'11 -;;/'-.^/...^. "

Fell a^eep and "(g&ssed arourid. The Little boy kept
right on crying as the old man hurled him in the
^ra^teaa5 ^r soofcii'd bft dumped outside the city
&ni®^"^<»^ fciir burning. -'" '-: 1:"1; 1- ''1'-'1 1- .-"'- '
i P& siniBewofsinnets,^K«tflxmidFn^^ had
to be'ptta^hed too, eveniHe; evett roe who was dying in
^the'^tirashcan^'^- ;::' '.-w'---- -;-1. .;--1--'- '.A^,.».^-1 .."
Rage of't^eRighteous

The ram came down like bullets fired by God. I stood at
the back windows and watched the ram batter the faces
of those marble statues, punishing them for being
nakedand sinful. I waited for Jory to come home and
look for^ine. 11,. -/ .;.-.. -^.-; r- ; .,,: ~ ^':
Bad. We were both bad fro» liviag with pareBtewho
weren't supposed to be parents," '. > ,;
Behind me Momma came in from ashopping spree,
all rosy-cheeked and laughing, shaking the rain firoci
her hair, greeting Emma like everything was okay. She
dumped her parcels in a ehair» took off her coat and
said she felt she might be catching a cold.
"I hate if when .it rains, Enuna. Hetto, Bart'--I didn't
see you:there until now. How'v®you beefl?'Lonesome
for me?" ..,- .- 1:1^; '. -^ : -'- - : 1-;:.,1 :^: ..;;
Wouldn't answer. Didn't have to talk to her now.
Dida'fhavetobepoBte, nice, or even cleaawObtAiido
anything I wanted. They did. God's rules didn't mean
anything to them. Meant nothing now to we eititor. ^
"Bart» it'Srgoing to be so nice this Christinas,"ssSd
Momma, not looking at me but at Cindy, who needed
more oew etothes. "This will be our first Christmas with
Cindy. The best kind of families always have cbfldrea
of both sexes, aod in that way boys ean teacs «b®tr
girls, and vice^ versa."She hugged Cindy closer.
"Cindy,you just don't know how lucky you are to have
two wonderful older brothers who wiB absolutely adore
you as you grow up into a real beauty--if they don't
adore you already."
Boy, if she only knew. But like Malcolm had said,
beautiful women were dumb. I looked into the kitchen
at Emma, who was not beautiful and never could have
been. Was she wiser? Did she see through me?
Emma's eyes lifted and met mine. I shivered. Yes,
drab women were smarter. They knew the world wasn't
beautiful just because they had hold of beauty for
awhile.
"Bart, you haven't told me what .you'want Santa
Claus? t» bring iyou."i <; ;,'^^' ^.-:1^ ..:.1111.,'11'
I staied hard at her. She knew what I wanted ^nost.
"A poayt" Isaid: lytoek outthe pocieetknife; tory had
given me and began to pare my nails. 13»atmade
Momma stare at mepthen^her eyes moved to Cindy's
short hair that was just beginning to look pretty again.
"Bart, put that knife away; It makes me nervous,
"tea might acadently cut yourself." She sneezed then,
then sneezed again and again. Always her sneezes came
in threes. She pulled tissues from her purse to wipe her
nose, (hen blow it. Contaminating my nice clean air
With her filthy cold germs, ; :; '
fcrydidn't.come>home^ until way after dark, soaked
and miserable looking as he stalked into his room and
slammed his door, I grinned as I saw Momma frown.
Sb,now her darling didn't tove hereither That's what
came of^detiBg-.wrong.''';-^?^ .'-;- . -.^!.-1,: :,;;':'„ : -.
Still Aes^ate cameidown. She looked at me, her eyes
large, her fee® pate, her hair a tangle aB around her
face, and I knew some men would think her beautiful. I
yanked a hair from my head and held one ead between
say teeth wl pulled with one hanci to stareteh it taut.
BasBy my taufo^uced it m two. ^Oood We,'13 said,
"sharp as a raKa^lttr shaviag^XSBiod;^ cutting off
5t9* ' I . . . - : . ' . .
legs, arms, hair ..." I grinned as she looked scared.
Powerful. I felt so powerful. John Amos was right.
Wome& were only timid, fearful imitations of men.
Rain came down harder. The wind blew it around the
house and made howling noises. Cold outside, dark and
cold. All night it rained, next morning it was still
coming down. Emma drove away just because it was
Thursday and she couldn't miss a visit with a friend.
"You take it easy now, ma'am," she said to Momma in
the garage. "You don't look weB. Just because you
don't have a fever doesn't mean yon worftwiwdeww
with something. Bart--you behave yourself and don't
make trouble for your mother." ^
I left the garage and Went into the kitchen, and
somehow or other my arm that was really a plane wing
knocked several breakfast dishes to the floor. I saw my
bowl of cereal with raisins, little bugs on a creamy
sea ..,. y'-'r ;;1-' -;:-".iY..^ '. ^..^"'
"Bart, you did that deliberately!" ,
"Yes, Momma, you always say I do everything on
purpose. This time'I let you seehowrigfat-you are"!
picked up my glass of milk, hardly touched, and hurled
if at her face. It missed her by ineheSt for she was quick
to dodge, ;' ^:.';;' ;..--1^",: '--'- .;-'.:-1'.. '--' ".^"--'/
"Bart; flaw dare you do that. When yom-father
comes home I'm going to tell him, and he'll punish you
severely."- .; -,. .. : ';,^:-';." -; ^---.^^ ,_:;;. ^-',-...
Yeah,ah-eady I knew what he'd do. He'd spank my
behind, give me a lecture on obedience and having
respect fcr aiy BKNher. And hisspanking wouldn't
hurt. His lecture wouldn't be heard. I could tune him
out and Malcolm in. ^,
"Why don't you spank me, Meniaia? Cssme
on. . . let me see what _yoM can do to hurt me." I held
my knife in position, ready to jab it in if she dared to
movediMeK,.-:.,. ....^! .^-i ^;..:1.,. -'^ ^"^^.
Wa»ahe gping safaW^^atorttf how ean yCTteactate
ugfy when you know I don't feel well today. You
pomised your father you would behave. Whathave I
done to mate you dislike me so much?"
I grinned meaningfully.
"Where did you get that knife?That's not the knife
Jbry'gave .you." - , ';,,-«../ ,;';1 ' ,.. ^.. ; ^
"The otdlady wsn>door gaveit.to me. She gives me
everything I ask for. If I told her I wanted a gun, a
sword, she'dget them,-for she's, likeyw are--weak, so
eager to please me, when there isn't a woman alive who
will ever pleaseme." . I ;.-.--, ' ' ' -,. 'i-,.',1:^;
t^allerEor was in her eyes now. She moved dtoser to
Cindy, who was still in her highchair, making a big mess
with her graham cracker and her glass of milk, dipping
in the cracker until it was mushy, then trying to rush it
into her mouth before the mushy part fell off. And s/ie
wasa't scolded.^', ' -. ^1;-:^----: 11 /- . .: ^.
"Bart, go to your room this moment. Shut and lode
the door from the inside, and I'll lock it from the
outside. I dontwant to see yon until your father is
home. And since you didn't flunk enough of your
breakfast to eat it, then you don't deserve any lunch."
^Youcan't tell me what to do. If you dare,OTtell,the
world what you and 'your husband' are doing. Brother
and sister living together. Living in sin. Fornicating!"
^good^'Naldolat';w»id.>';.,^.- - ^ -; : ^.ii^.ii.. . '
Staggering, she raised her hands to her face, wiped at
her running nose again, stuffed the tissues in her pants
|KX^,.then.-pielBBti.»p-'eindy,- ../ .-i.''-'-';^ ----.-'.
^Whatyab^onna do, hariot? Use CSndy fora shield?
A won't flwxk, wcm^ work, I'll get the both of
you . . .And the poBce cant touch rae. Via only ten
yeaisold, only ten, only tea, only ten, omy ten; . ."
and oh and on I kept saying that like I was a needle
stucfcin the'same-groove. A,:.;. ^.- ;,;.;<; '.; , , ,:;:'':'
In my ears was John Amos's voice, telling me what to
do. Ispofce as in a dreaaa; "Onca long ago these Nas a
man in London called Jack the Ripper, and he killed
prostitutes. I kill strumpets too, and bad sisters who
don't know) right from wrong. Momma, I'm going to
show you how God wants you to be punished for
committing incest."
Trembling and looking weak as a white rabbit, too
scared to move, she stood with Cindy held in her arms,
and waited as I statked her . . . closer, closer, jabbing
with my knife. , ;
"Part," she said, her voice stronger, more under
control, "I don't know who has been telling you stories,
but if you harm me or Cindy, God will have to revenge
on you--even if the police don't lock you up, or put you
in the electric chair."
Threats. Empty threats. John Amos had already told
me a boy my age could do anything be wanted and the
police couldn't do a thing to stop or punish him.
-"Is (hat man you live with your brother? b he?" I
yelled, "tell me a lie and youll both die."
"Bart, calm down, RojB't you know it wBl soon be
Christmas? 'Yon don't want to be put away and miss all
the toys Santa Claus witt put (Bider the tree for you."
'We Santa Claus!'' I shrieked, even more furious.--
did she tiMnk T believed ? that nonsense?^
"'Ybu used to love me. AB your lift? you have held
baelcteBing iBtTsd in words, but 1 could see itai yOB^
eyes. Bart, what has changed you? What have I done to
maloeyott hate me? IfeH me so I can change, so t can be
bett£t" -^ -.U.-,--"."^ ----.:1 . ^;- --.
Look at that, trying to win me moments bdEore'hinr
death ... and her redemption. Oodw6a)klfed'(*^^r
her when she was butchered, humiliated m every wtty
possible.
Squinted my eyes and raised my razor-sharp blade
that my grandmother had not given me--it had been a
gift from-John Amos, given-shorfly after that old witch
NKttlsliK^m^:^^^'^11^^'""1'^^^. v'^AK.;^^'3&/
W:
to her blue eyes and made them look dark, dark. "Bart, |
please don't tell me Bes." |
"Never teB BeS, not like you 4o," I said, watchingas I
she began to tremble so much she almost dropped |
Ciody. Pity she didn't. But itwouldn't hurt if she just |
fell to the carpeted floor. '
"Now you stay here and wait for me," she said as she
headed for the coat closet. "Foronce in your life do as I
•say. Sit down and watch TV—eat all the candy you
want—but stay in this house and out of the rain."
. She was going next door. I felt panicky inside, afraid
she wouldn't come back. Afraid she wouldn't be saved,
afraid maybe after all, this wasn't a game John Amos
was playing, not a game after an. But I couldn't speak.
fot God was on the side of John Amos—he'd nave to
be since Ae wasn't sinning. .
Dressed m her warmest wNte winter coat, wearing
white boots. Momma picked up Cindy, who was
dressed warmly too; "Be a good boy, Bart, and
remember always 1 love you. I'll be back in less than
ten minutes, though heaven only knows what that
woman in black«an know aboutme."- •
I flicked a quick shamed glance at her pale, worried
face. Momma was gonna crack up when she met my
grandmother, who was her own mother. Momma was
gonna end up in a straightjacket and I'd never see her
again., - '•; • .• • 1',-.^ -•.•.,; ^ •..^ . :' ^ .• •--,';
Why wasn't I glad that already God was punishing
her, beginning her redemption? My head ached again.
My stomaeh. felt qweasy. Legs;didn't want to obey, but
.had a leaden weight of their own that knew their mind.
Pulling me along with them to the coat closet as |
Momma slammed the front door behind her. j
Momma, my soul was crying, don't go and leave me
alone. Don't like to be alone.. Nobody w0l love-nun but
you, Momma* nobody will. Please don't'''.^'SHw .
tfiere-^dffn'ttet John Amos seeyou. ShouldnThave said
anything. Should have known you wouldn't stay here
where it was safe. I pulled on my coat and raced to the
front windows to watch her carrying Cindy into the
wind and cold rain. Just as if she, a mere woman, could
face up to God and his black wrath.
Soon as she was out of sight I supped outside and
began to follow her; Did this new coat mean she reatty
did love me? No, said the wise old man in my brain,
didn't mean anything. Gifts, toys, games and clothes
were easy things to give-things that tui pareate gave
their children even when they were about to feed them
arsenic on sugared doughnuts. Parents held back what
was most important, security. J.^
I sighed wearily, hoping someday, siEMinCT^fcME^
find the mother who would sta^Eorever, the^i^Saer.
who was rig|»t fornie--who would always underhand I
was doing tfine best f could. ^ ^
Outside,, the wiad.blew my slicker againstmy .body
and drove the rain intomy face. About ten yards ahead
I could see Momma was having a rough tune atteinpting
to hold Cindy, who was trying to wiggle free and
run back home as she screamed; "Don't like raini'fake
me hQmet Moaima» don't^wannago1"*
Trying to comfort her while she kept her footing and
at the same time trying to keep the hood over hexhSWi
she finally gave up efforts to keep herself dry And
settted:foi keepjmg Gmdy as dry as possibte;- Soon her
hau' was pasted down;flat to her head, asflat as my hair
was by now, for never never would I sKpaflo®d6welr
mYhead--4nadefflescai^tolQokmamteor.;?
Mommaslipped on the mud that was being washed
down from the hills, and she a&BOSt lost her footteg.
But she caught herself and rebalanced. Cindy screamed
aodtfeatat her iace with small^ fists. "HOME!I WANT
HOMEt1
Ran fast, for she wasn't looking backward. All her
concentration was on the winding road ahead, "Stop fighting me, Cindyi"
High walls. Iron pickets. Strong gates. Magic boxes
to speak into. Small voice coining back--wid hear the
wind blow. Privacy ilidn'tmean nothing to <jod and the
.wind, not nothing at all.
Heard my nioinma's voice as she shouted to be heard
above the .shriek of the wind .and .rain: "This is
Catherine Sheffield. J live next door.and.Bart is say son.
I want,tp come in and talk to the lady of the house."
^tence, only the wind. ^
^n>eR roy momma was calling out again: "I want to
see her, and if I have to climb this fence. I'll do just that,
l*m coming in, one way or another--so open.the gates
and save me the trouble."
*I stood "back and waited, gasping as if my heart truly
did huM, Slowly, slowly, fhe wide black iron gates
swung open. ,
for a moment I wanted to shriek out, NO! Don't
walk into a trap. Momma! But I really didn't know if
there was a trap at alt I was just afraid that between
John Amos arid the Malcolm that was inside of me,
nothing good would come of Momma's venture into my
grandmother's house. Quickly I ducked inside the gates
just before they clanged softly closed. Sounded like
prison'doors."-'-'1": -' ^' ,1:1'1'; "':--' 1 : '' '
She trudged on ahead, all the while Cindy was
screaming and crying. By the time they reached the
door both seemed soaked to the skin, for I was, and I'd
had two hands to hold my-sUcker together. ;
Up the stairs Momma stumbled, clasping Cindy, who
was still trying to kick free. She lifted the loose jaw of
the brass lion's head and banged loud. . John
Amos had been expecting her, for he swung one
side of the double doors open immediately and bowed
very^tew, as tfadmitti^g a queen, Han, ran then as'fast
as I could sb I wouldn't miss a thmg. Chueld^ini^oihe
sidedoor, and down thecorridor to the dumbwaiter- hoping that she'd be m that room, for behind therioted
palms was not such a secure place. Jory had found me
there once, and it could happen agaitt^
I crawled into the dumbwaiter after I dropped my
coat on the floor, then slid open the door just a slot.
Momma was probably still in the foyer taianroff her
wet coat arid muddy white boots.
Then she appeared inthe^doorwiiy, minus her coat
and boots. I hadn'teven tad the tune to'eheek and see
if »y grandmother was in her poekuig-chair--but she
wasthen&alt right." ^- < "'-;'.,is" i1'"1 ''/, ''IT'
Stiffly she wse,* lacing my nioimxna, :Qi<|ne nef
trexnbnng hands behiad hesr ^ick» the ^eu hiding most
of heir face as it hid aHe^ner^air; ?; : ^
Something smalt, Wea^'aaB young 'inside of ^ne
wanted to cry'as I saw 'Itldnittia'''Ssssp 'iittto^'"Ber^'^roanfstiB
carrying Cindy, oifty €^ay*s ouiter ciothes tted
been taken off. Sae was 'oonlpletely Ay, 'vfhQe Mbtnma'shau- stuck to her face and head ntae^frings. Her
flushed face looked so feverish I again wanted to cry,
What if God struck her dead flm second? 'Waat if death
by hellfires Was what He really wanted?
Tin sorry ^fe burst te.on you Bfce this^ said my
mbmm&. r<I tfiought shield^ pitcfa ttght aitb^her^ "But I
must haw a few answers to my ^pBestiidns. WiHy sisi
you? Wnat is it you teH my youngesi solB? He's told irie
terrible things Be claims yefu totd^ him. I doti't teoW
you,aSad you^on*t kadWine, sowtiatcari^oittyB^nn
bufrltes?""" 1'/1 ""'-..^ -;--^,1!:::::'i '^.''^ ' ^y^':^
So farmy grandmother hadn't;satda woird. Sae Bept
stanng ai'MonHnartlieri at CSndy. ' ^
My 'grandmother gestared toward a chaB, then
inclined her head as if to say she Was sdrry. Why didn't
shespeak?11"-,' ".'-' ':i' '^^ ' '-s^':.? '!^ ' ^. .^4
"What 'a liwe^ roota^ said Momasia, glancing
around at all the fine furniture. There was a troubled
look in her eyes, even her smile seemed forced. She put
Cindy on her feet and tried to bold onto her hand, but
Cindy wanted to explore and see all the pretty things,
"I'm not going to stay any longer than necessary,"
Momma went on, keeping an eye on Cindy, who had to
touch everything. "I have a severe cold and want to^w
home in bed, but I must find out just what you have
been telling my son so he comes home and says terrible
•things. And doesn't respect me as his mother., When
yQucane^»lain,CindyandIwimeave," ;
Grandmother nodded, keeping her eyes towered,
Uke she truly was som&Arab woman. I guessed fsma
the odd way Momma keptlooking at her she was
thinking this was a foreigner of some kind who didn't
understand our good English. ,
Momma sat down uninvited near the fire, as CSndy
came to perchon the raised hearth near her legs.
"Th»s is an isolated area, so when Bart comes home
and tells me the lady next door has told him this and
that, I knew it-had to be you. Who are you? Why are
you trying to turn my son against me? What have-I ever
done to ;you?" Her questions went on and on, for the
woman in black wouldn't speak. .Momma leaned
forward to peer more closely at Grandmother. ;
Was Momma suspicious already? Was she so smart
she could tell despite the disguise of the black veil, the
long loose black dress? "Come now, I've giyenrtVoumy
name. Be courteous enough to tett me vioins." 3
Ifo answer, just a shy nod ^ the, black yeited head,
"Oh, I think I understand," said Momma with ,a
pe.rple»d;&owa, "you must not speak English."
The woman shook her head again. Momma's frown
deepened. "I truly don't ^understand. You ;seem to
understand what I say, yet you don't answer. You can't
be muteOf you wouldn'tJhaye been. able ,to^;my son
so; many'lies." ... -.;;- : , • . ; .t^'-'o'vfe'.,?'"-- ,
Tim&wastickingawayloudly. Never ftea^ the <^bck
on toe marble^ mantle lick so loud before. My ffcfiiny
just rocked on and on in her chair, like she'd "iessvW
speak or raise her head. ; ^
Momma was beginning to be annoyed. Suddenly
Cindy jumped up and faced to pick up a porcelain kitty.
"Cindy, put that yown.'^
Obeying rcloctantiy, Qindy carefully replaced theeat
on the marble table. The minute the catwas out of her
hands, GSndy'looked around for something else to do.
She spied the archway to the next room and ran that
way. Jumping to her feet, Momma hurried to prevent
Cindy from roaming. Cindy hadLa^:»®y» iBs^ Baey.of
wanting to eitanrine ewi^NB^-^tw^i ^e dtd»t
drop things as often as, l-did^-'^,'.^ ; y. % l/!,;u' r- '?'
"Don't so in taerer'clwA omit nay .graitAnother,^
she too stood up;.; 4 : .^^-.. - .^y.'^;1; ;..,;;/^1 ...':"'' ;' ,
As if stunned*,,, n»y ^wyt3»^ slowly j^sied aitattad,
Ciady forgotten. Her blue jeye^^deneiA and ^h»,6^or
drained from her face as she kept staring at the woman
in black who wmldn't keephernervou? hands From
straying up to the neckline of her black dress. Soon she
had the; rope of,pearls and was twisting them between
her'fingers. '' '' "' . ,^' ..,./L',./ - ll;,'.. ^.^. ,...^.
"Your voice,Ihave heard it before," ,
Graadinother didn't speak.
"Those rings on your fingers, I'v^seen them.before.
Where did you get those rings?*' '
Helpiessfy my^ grandmother ^teugged al^ 'q^
released the pearls, WMeh^diiqqx^^^^^^ of sa^nt
under fler black Tobe. "I^W sNip,"^ .she. said in a
strange,raspy,'Ic>peigh"way. '"Bargani^1"""'"'/''. ^i '/.7 '
Monuna's ey6s narrowed as she writtoued to stare at
the woman'wha wasift a staGBger. T'sat breathless;,
wondering ^hat woulld happen when she knew; ttti,;
Momma wnildnnAwft. -I :fcn^:W 'iEBy 'mother 'couian^be ^
so easfly'fboled.''-^"^: ' ^::i- ' ' 'iw"^ ^K^tt^':.
-^ ' ' - ..;.. ' . . .,':^.:;
As if her knees were suddenly weak. Momma sank |
down on the nearest chair, unmindful that her clothes I
were still wet, unmindful that Cindy had wandered into
the other room.
"You do understand a little English, I see," she said
m a quiet stow way. "The moment I walked into this ;
room, it was as if the dock had been turned backwards,
and 1,was a child again. My mother had the same taste
in furnishings, the same choice of colors. Hook at your
brocade chairs, your cut velvet ones, the clock on your
mantlepiece, and all lean thinkof is how very much my
.mother would have approved ofthis room. Even those
rings on your fingers took tike the rings she used to
wear. yew found" them in a pawn shop?*'
• "Many women like this type of room . . . and jewel
ry," said that lady in black.
"You have a strange voice ... Mrs. . . . ?"
Another shrug from the black figure.
Momma got up again and went into the other room
to fetch Cindy. I^ield my breath. The portrait was in
there. She'd see ft. But sne must not have looked
around, for in another second she was back, pulling
Cindy and standing dose to the fireplace, keeping a
tight hold on Cindy's hand.
"What a remarkable home you have. If I closed my
eyes I could swear I was looking at Fbxworth HaU as I
saw it from the balcony."
Dark, dark were the eyes of my grandmother,
"Are you wearing pearls? I thought I saw pearls
when you were fiddHng around your neck, Those rings
are so beautiful. You show your rings, why not your
pearls?'', , .'..: {.memories come flooding back," said Momma;- "I
.remember a Christmas night when Poxworth Hail
burned to the ground. The night was cold and snowy,
yet it lit up like the Fourth of July. I yanked all the rings
from my fingers and buried the diamondand emerald
jewelry into the deep snow. I thought no one would
ever findit--but Madame, you are wearing the emerald
ring I threw in the snow! Later Chris picked up all that
jewelry because it belonged to te mother! His precious
mother!" , ^. -" ".--^ . .-..-'
"I am sick too. Go away," whispered that forlorn
figure in black, standing in the middle of 'her room,
avoidirig^herockin^chalrliiat might trap^eir.
But she was already''tfapped::'1'.''-''^ ^A""' y}:"
"YOU!" cried my Bwttte^ "I shou%^a^ 1BM»wftl
There is no 'other -"Dope "necHace 'or' 'pear^l-wliaii^a'
diamond butterBly claspexcepfyouts;"
"Of course you are sickt" screamed "my mother.
"'What else could you be but sick! I know who you are.
Now everything makes sense. How dare you come into
my life agam. After all you have done to us, you come
back again to do more. I hate you. I hate you for
everything you have done, but I've never had the
chance to pay you back. Taking Bart from you wasn't
enough, INow I have the chance to do more;"
Releasing Cindy's hand, she lunged forward and
caught hold of my grandmother, .who tried to back
away and fight her off. But my mother was stronger.
Breathless and excited I watched the two women pull at
one another. - ,;
My grandmother cringed away from the fierce attack.
She didn't seem to know what to do. Then Cindy let out
a howl of fear and began to cry. "Mommy, let's <o
home." , , .,,- ' , ., / .-,. ,,- , -- i-
The door opened and John Amos shambled inside
th& room. As> iByiBEKltoFpfepfflBi^aiateer attack, he
reached out to lay a large knobby handon my
grandmother's shoulder. I'd never seefl him touch her
befoss, ^,,"' . ' -, " ' '^ I I
"Mrs. Sheffield," hebegan in hiswhiny'hissy voice, "you were graciously admitted into.this house, and go*
you try to taJse advantage of my wife, who has not been
well for several years. T am John Amos Jaekson, and
this is my wife, Mrs.;Jacksion." , - -.'.. -^v.:; } ...i Stunned, Monima could only stare;., ^
"John Amos Jackson," repeated my mother stewly,
savoringiftte aame. "I've heard tisat name before. Why,
just yesterday I was rereading my manuscript, and Y
had to think of a way to change that name slightly. You
are the fohn Amos Jackson who once w»s a butter in
Rxworth Hall! I remember your bald head and how it
shone .under the chandeliers." She swiveted about and
reached for Cindy's hand, or so I thought. But instead
she snatched the veil from my grandmother's face.
"Mother!" she screamed. "I should have known
months ago it was you. From the moment I entered this
house I sensed your presence, your pelfume, the
colors, the choiceof furniture. You had sense enough
to cover your face and body in black, but you were
stupid^enough to wear^pur jewelry. Dumb, always so
damned dumb! Is it insaiuty, or fa it stupidity that
makes you think I could forget your jpernune; your
jewelry^"' She laughed, wild and hystericdBy,spiohing around and around so John Amos, who was trying th
prevent what she nHght do, was stumbling, clumsily
trying to grab hold of her before she could attack again.
Look at her--she wasdancing! All aroundmy
grandmother shewnnted, flicking out ner hand to slap
at her-'-and even as she "whipped her legs around,she
screamed: "Tshouldh&ve^known itwas yoa. Ever since
you moved in Bart has been acting crazy. You couldn't
fcave us atone, ooutd you? You had to come here and
try and ruin whatChris and I have found togetBer--tte |
first time we'vebeen happy. And now you've nosed it.
You'yCiioaaaged to drive Bart insane so he'll have te'l>e
put away like you were. Oh, how I hate you for that;
How I hate you for so many reasons. Cory, Came, and
now Bart--is there no end to what you can do to hurt
us?" She kicked and hooked her foot behind my
grandmother's knee and threw her off balance, and the
moment my grandmother spilled to the floor in a heap
of black rags, my mother was on top of her, ripping at
that rope of pearls with its diamond butterfly clasp.
Using both her hands, she forced the knotted string
to parl|, and the pearls scattered aHoyerthe pri^atal
rug that silently swallowe^l theni op. ..,^..-1 >. ^; ^ ^
John Amos roughly seized Bji^.,.oil|^^;i^i^^^l:
pulled her to1w,feet.'3H& fie^.»e^aB^,^l^,|^:1tB^
Momma's head roue3.^<<Kck^',^^1^||^B&(,s::';K^^;;
Sheffield," he ordered in a,bard,"i»K»ffi;|^;»s'i^
suddenly very strong. I was surprised Itia|t the wodf4
handle my mother so cruelly. I knew wh^tory,would
do--he'd run to fight John Amos aad save Momma.
But me, Ididn't know if I should. God was up 'W&se
wanting Momma to^ suffer Jor her sins, arid if I saved
her, what would God do to me? Besides, Jory was
bigger. And Baddy was always saying everything
happened for the best--so this was meant to be, despite
the miserable way!felt.
But Momma didn't need my help after aB. She thrttw
back her head and butted her skull squarely against his
false teeth. I heard them crack as she whirtefl free'.
Then he went afteri her with more-determinattOH. He
was gonna kill her, and be the agent of God's wratt himsent ...- .- ,^./^."^^'.^.r''.;.'i-.;.-^"
Quicker than I could move, Momma's knee came up
and caught him squarely in the groin. John Amos
screamed, doubled over, clutching at himself as he fell
to the floor and rolled about moaning: .Ri^imB^B<ftj&
"Damn you to liell, John Amos Jacksonf my I
momma screamed back. "Don't you. eyer touch me
againiOr I will dig out your eyes."
By this time my grandmother had gained her feet,
and she stood in the center of the room swaying
unsteadily' as she tried to fit the torn veil over Her face
again. That's when my mother's slap caught her cheek,
so Orandttother fell backwards into her rocker.
"Damn you to hell too, Corrine Fbxworth! I hoped
never to see your face again.I hoped you'd die in that
"rest home' and 'spare roe j^ agony of looking at you
again, w& hearing ttiat voice that 1 used tO love. But
I've never been lucky ^t'shtfutdha'wkaowtt ybri
woulditt be ponsiderafe en0toj|h to die and leave me
and Chris al0ne. You are Mfce your father, clinging
desperately to a life not WorthlNng.*}
Oh, I hadn't Imown before my mother ha,d such a
terrible teTOper. She was just like me» I felt shocked,
scared as I watched my _ mother tackle inyold grandmother
so her chair tipped over and Iboth of them fell to
the floor, rolling over arid over as .John Anaos groaned,
maybe^ neverto recover. Xn a few^ moments Momma
was sitting on top of my grandmother, rippingoff all
fliose glittering, expensive rings. Weakly my grand-
roother tried to defend herself and her jewelry,
"Please, Olthy, dont <fo ^tns^o me," she, pleaded.
"Kiu^How,;][^ae iongedl to see you 'fin the,; floor,
pleading with me as yoB,Me^, ,l,was wro^.a momeBt
a^pwth»s^i& my;.-lucky day4 My chance; to have my
i^«Bge:again:ft»r aft you've dicae. You watch and see
what I do to your precious rings." She raised her arm,
and'wiAione'wtldgestttte SBfehiated^11 those rings into
^ttMU^nre.'^niere^^Beret^
moimna. I'WiaCshiQU&Anave been done long ago oh the
'iaight^Ban-dfed,"'^11-1-; i'-.--. -1^-.:-, .-:.'.- -'f^:
With a gloating expressic® she'ran to picfcap dady;

9S&
ran to the foyer closet to yank on Cindy's coat, and then
reached for her own coat and boots she'd pulled off.
John Amos had picked himself off the floor, mutter
ing to himself about Devil's issue that should have died
when she was caged arid helpless. "DamnedheUcat
should have been slaughtered before she could create
more Devil's issue!" '
Iheaid. -'.,•. / - - ' • . .,. . ,:.——.
Maybe Momma didn't. : ?
I moved but of the dumbwaiter unseen by ;my
grandmother. Who was crying as she sat on the floor in
a broken heap. - ....- ^/.-.,;./ .^.1--.,,;,- •:'-^ .,:^
Momma had on;her boots now, her white-coat,
though ^he wais SBivering as she came to,the door and
looked in on theiWomaB sttt'on the floor. "What did
you say, Ibha AflBos^aciaiOB^B^i;! hear you call liae^
heUcat, Devil's issuePSay that again to my face? Go oil,
say it to me now* Now that I'm an adult and not a
frightened child anymore. Now thai my legs and arms
are strong and yours are weak. Don't think you can do
awaywitfiines<»easy^BOW—&rrm notold, and I*aa
not weak, and Fm not scared anymore." ^
He headed her way, holding in his hand a pofa» he
must have taken from the fireplace. She laughed,
seeming to think he was a fool and an easy eBemy;
Quickly she dodged, then shot out her good leg and
kicked his bottom hard so he fell prone upon his face,
screaming outhis rage as tie pounds . ; r , ; .
I was screaming too. Thiswas wtongt 'fleas ws^wst
the way John Amos and I had planned for God to have
his revenge. 'He^wasn'tsupposed to hurt heri
Momma saw me then. Her blue eyes widened, her
face paled and she seeined-to'cruinpte. "Bart," ;; ?
I whispered, "John Amos told me all the things I had
to-do,"':'^ , --- . -;.''.'^ --/;-'.-,,.,,^^gy^
She whirledcon3i^ff»»dn»oi^era^l<x*^^»^^
.' "' -: ••'•' w}
have done. You have turned my own son against me.
And all the time you get by with everything, even
niaader. Youpoisoned Cory, poisoned Carrie's mind so
she had to kill herself, killed Bart Winskw when you
sent ham back into the fire to save the life of ^wretched
eld woman who didn't deserve to live--and now you
poison the mind of my son against me. Afld you
escaped justice by pleading insanity. You weren't
insane when you set fire to PoxworthHau. That was the
first clever stunt you pulled in your life but this is my
timefor revenge." And with those words she raced to
the fireplace, picked up the small shovel for cashes,
pushed aside the firescreen, and began to pull red hot
coals from the fire onto the- Oriental rugi;. ; ,
As the rug began to smoke, she called to me, "Bart,
put onyourcoat, we'reg<?ing hoiae,and we'll moveso
lar away she'll never find iBS,neverr' *
J screamed. My grandmother screamed. Bat say
.mother was so busy battoniog up Gindy'S coat she
didn't see that John Amos had <the poker in his hand
again. Aslfit;oze,myopspattedtoscreaniawaraing
again--the poker came down on.her head.She slumped
quietly W the floor lifce a rag dotf. <
"You fool!" criedvsay grandmother. "You may have
Idltedhet!"',.,- ^.-.--^/:,:.-:;, .. A.-'^ 1 .. ,,.-,;,.-
'Riings werei bappeaiagtoQ fast. :Eyeryth»ng was
.go»g wrong. MoBtnaa-wasB't supposed to be hurt. I
wanted to say this, tent the face of John Amos/was
twisted, Us lips snarled as he advanced on my grand- '.Baother,^ :'. . . ,?.'.;:^ ,.,... . : ;.'../1.;,.:' : } } ':,' ' .: ,;
"Cathy,<^hy,"shs"pleaded,down<mi^t»Anees
and cradling my mother's shead, "please doB?t die, I
love ypn, l'*e stways loved you. I never meant for any
of'you.to-'die-Taev--"'^- ;.'.1';1-1 < ,. -.- ' ''-:„;;.'; '.. ;
The whack wasso hard she slumped over the body of ||
my mother.
818
Rage was in my head.' €3ndy was screaming. "John
Amos'" I yelled. "Thai wasn't in God's plan!"
He turned, smiling and confident. "Yes, it Was, Bart.
God spoke to me last night and told me what to do.
Didn't you hear your mother say she was going far-far
away? She wouldn't take a bothersome boy like you
with her, would she? Wouldn't she put you away first in
some institution? Then she*d go, and never would you
see her again, Bart, lust like your great-grandfather,
you'd be abandoned forever. Just like your grandmother
you'd be locked up, and you'd never see. lier
again either1 That's the cruel way life treats those who
try to do their best. And it's me,only me who is trying
to take care of you and see you escape confinement
worse than priston."
Prison, prison, so much like poison. ,"Hart,
are you listening? Have you heard? Do you
understand I'm doing what I can to save both of them
foryou?" --.-.,. .'" "/::" ..J"",:;,^
I stared at him; didn't really understand anything.
"Yes, Bart, instead of one, you will have two
souvenirs."
Didn't know what or who to believe. I stared down at
the two women on the floor, my momma, my grandmother
who had fallen crosswise over the slight body of
my momma. It came over me in an overwhelming
flood--I loved those two women. I loved them more
than I'd known I had. Wouldn't want to stay alive if I
lost one, much less two. Were they as evil » iohn
Amos had said? Would God punish me if I kept them'
from being "redeemed" by fire? ;:
And there he was in front of me, John Amos, the
only one who had been fully honest with me from ti»
beginning, telling me from the start who my real daddy
was, who my rea^grandmother was, who Malcolm flSe
wise and clever was. ^. " '~ :'^ ; ^at^ -^s-
, "" Hr
I looked into his small narrow eyes ox instructions.
God was behind John Amos or else he wouldn't have
tived to be soold.
He smiled and chucked me under the chin, and I
shiveied. Didn't like people to touch me when I
couldn't evea feelthe touch.
"IKkyw (Kten to me carefully, Bart. First you are to
take iCindy home. Then you make her swear not to teB
anything oryou will cut out her little pink tongue. Can
^you^.oatete;^'1?^)!?!^?''''.,'',,,;.'- ''.-- . , -.- : - ,„
lutnbfy yBtodded. B^ |^^
"^figu won't hurt my momma and my grandmomm^^^^:'^^;:
^X^,'^ '^^ '^^' . ^ i.:'."^.,
*''?( course not, Bart. lE'fl Just put th^ait away w^ere
they'tt be saties, "ybu can s^e^lBiem 'whe^v^- yoa '^ant.
But ttpt one word to that matt^vho cai& himself^y^ur
fatfier, H<atone word. fteM^mb|er he, too, wilt take ybtt
away ittottt yi&ur hoaae and ^haves' you ^ek^»i up. He
Ninksyw^^ci^lOQ.I^^
they keep taking you to :shrinks?" ' ,
^swauowed:; tiy throat liurt. Didn't kno^ "what to
^;' ^ ^r^-" .''-:",'-1', -^^^^'i^ ^'i'
John Amos knew. '^Now you go home with Oindy,
iBeepthe'Brarquiet, lo^^OMPsettmyow^^l^^
dumtt, knbwiiothing^ Ariff SFememtBir vt.you^hreatenQiatloa
sister^so fiQti^ s^B be^cB^
squeak.^" J";- ^ll:'.te'I^^T. 1::''--.' ^1"^ ^"'^.r-w w
-'l^e^aibt^;;kItfNster;''I'wh^^^-weat^ -:!1
^"^^i^at^lhfraiffi^^
just do as I say. Follow instructions, as God wants men
'totene^Mmwuaqaestiomn||ly^ndneverMoufr
your bro^ber or your father that yon knowhis secret, or
that yott haw aay^dea whei?^y>ar ®Qther^ent;^ay
dun^./'^aKiaM'.fee.gOoA^at'-tibat.^:1 i^ '-1'' -v. -,- '^1!'1,'
WN(d^^ri»aB?^^WB»akmgteoti^
'- .I'lbiutte'll'^s.lNBEW^-a^'-ts^^
and imitated
The day you can out-smart me will be the day the earth
sits oq the head of a pin, and I swallow it. So don't you
mockana&i and think I'm dumb ^/ for va thftend^ I'd
win. Tli always win, dead or alwe.?' ^
Power swelled up huge within me. Never felt W
stuffed full of brains. Hooked down at the two womeB I
loved. Yes, God had planned for it to happen this way,
give me: two mothers to keep foiever as aiy:o»n r^
anjd,rd.,Bever.be,teBely:again.^;:.,- . ', y '^'i ^wf ::,.

"Now you keep your mouth shut, and ^BMi't tell
Daddyfldory one wprd^IM^^oat!)^^^
said to Cmdy when we were home and in our kitchen
together. "Do you want your toa^e^auKMrt?" v
Her small face was wet with rain and tears, streaked
with dirt too. Her Ups gaped and her,eyes^bulgell, and
whimpering like a baby, sheaHoweAme^to put Qtt^her
pajamas andTput her JinbedLAkeptnryfi^ all
the tunesQ none of her girl's body,wpuid^aiDeiBe||9t|Ot
hating her more.

'-ITO^^^'^Nt^aail^?'

There was soniebody I'-tiaAw'ieft^'.Sbai^a^.ii^Bff- seemed 't<f^:haveWted'a'1toTBac(6
fbrever '^md'^ ruiamg?;^r'nve$.' '^w^^aS .tflad''^lfl!^E,.
about it a tot, but things were still very tense and I was
so confused. Why did she have tocome and aBlFrS^
this?' FraaBy I a»W &oht in my angeT go laoger, and as

soon as ballet class was over,! raced to Madame's
o&e. ••^ ;':'.-^,'-.;, ,;. .•,;, ^ }'.', •.. -1:^-,.- ."
*'! hateyou, Madame, for aH the mean things you
said to my mom. Everything's, been terrible ever'since
that day. You leave her alone from now on, or I'U go
and never come back to see you. Did you fly atttheway
here just to make her sick? She can't dance now, and
that's bad enough. If you don't stop causing so muck
trouble, I'll quit dancing too, I'll run away and you'B
never see me again. For in ruining my parents' lives,
you have managed to ruin not only theirs, but mine and
Bairt'srttto." / ; ;' - ..•-•..-"• 1: .. "
Soe paled and looked very old. "You sound so very
much like your father. Julian used to blaze his dark eyes
at me in the^ same way." /
"I used totove you.^
•^J^'toloveme..^?^
"^.asedto^^WTi^Ithougte
about my parents, then I believed that dancing was the
most wonderful thing in the wortd. Now I dont
believe."
She looked stricken, as if I'd stabbed her in her
heart. She reeled back against the wall and would have
fallen if I hadn't stepped forward to support her. "Jory,
please," she gasped, "don't ever run away. Dont stop
dancing. If you do, then my life has been meaningless,
and Georges will have lived for nothing, and Julian too.
Don't take everything from those I have loved and
lost."
I couldn't speak, I was so confused. So I ran, ran like
Bart always ran when things got too heavy. ;;
; itelttod me MelodiecaUed out: "Jory, where are youl
going in such :i hurry? W& were going to have a soda;1
ASietiter."-,,^^ ^^ -:-. -.••..•1- 'I--:.- : :' •^i^-1. •;; •-t i
, I jcaa en^ I dtairX cateanyrooite ^bout; anyone o!c|
weren't married. HowwuldAhey be?WhM^aist^xy
Judge would marry abrother and his aster?
Oace I hitthe Sidewalk I stewed down, then went on
to a public park where I sat down on a green bench. On
and on I sat, staring <k>wn atmy feet. A dancer?s feet.
Strong, tough with calluses, ready for the professional
stage. What would I do now when I grew up^I dida^t
really want to be a doctor, thottgni'dsaadthatatew
timesji^Witteasethe/raaBltoverfwa^fiitBe^
joke; Why should I tty andUe tomysetf^heifrwasne
life for me without dancing. When I punished Madame,
my mother, iny^epdad who was iaeitBy only rttyuacle» I'
puiHigHetfB^setf:®i^^woia«.^ ;il1'^ -^ ^^^^
I stood up and looked around at aU the old people
sitting iowSy io th(SparktWoadeai^|il^QBe day?fd br
like thenifj andliBMMight.'No. 1'B^a^wwlten to<ayt
made a mistake. WBe»t»®ay rm sorry.

Madame M. was in her omce, her head bowed down
into her thin handswhen I opened the door quietly and
stepped inside her office. I must have made some noise,
for she looked up and I saw teais hi her eyes. Asy
flooded them when shesaw me, but she didn't mention
all that had happened half an tear agf^ ;" '
"I Jteve a. gift ^or yOur^Aoflier^ she iialtfri» her
naturally shrill voice. She slid open a desk drawer and
withdrew a gfiid tteNittHd With Nd si^lribteMK ^i^tt
CathertBe^^i^StilBy,notroeetai^ffl^
are right^abo^i<»ca?^thing.,>t-was^^ .
from your nMo^raiMifiBrtherbecaaa^t^i^ti^t^^
the right ^iSag lor y&u. t see affw't was doing w&rt t
wanted^for i^^tt^aotioryoa. sob* &>eloag?wi&.aaKifr
mothers, not their grandmothers." She smiled bittwly
as she looked at fctig pretQr T,|otd laea^ ^Lady Cioafca
candy^'""

.''--'. ^ ' ': ' ' • 1
fived fih New YE>rk and was wit& Madame Zotea^ |
company. Then she couldn't eat chocolates for fear of I
addingweight—though she was the kind of dancer who I
burned off more calories than most when she danced—
still I allowed her only one piece of candy a week. Now |
that she won't dance again, she can indulge to her
heart's desire." ;
That was Bart's phrase. ; :
"Mom has an awful cold," I explained just as stiffly ;
as she had. "Thank you for the candy and what you just
said. I kaowNona wSB feel better knowing you won't
try and take nae away from her." I grinned then and
kissed her dry cheek. "Besides, don't you realize there
is enough of me to share? If you aren't stingy, she won't
be. Mom is wonderful. Not once has she ever told me
you and she had any difficulties." I settled down in her
single office chair and crossed, my legs. "Madame, I'm
scared. Things are going crazy in our house. Bart acts
weirder each day. Mom is sick with that cold; Dad
seems so unhappy. Clover is dead. Emma doesn't smile
anymore. Christmas is coming and nothing is being
done about it. If this keeps up, I think I'll crack up
myself."
"Hah!" she snorted, back to her.eld self. "Life is
always like tfaat—twenty minutes of'misery for every
two seconds of joy. So, be everlastingly grateful for
those rare two seconds and appreciate; appreciate what
good you can find, no matter what the cost." .
My smiles were false. Underneath I was truly
depressed. Her cynical words didn't really help. "Does
h have to be that way?^ I asked.
"Jory," she said, thrusting her old pastry-dough face
closer to mine, "think about this. If there were no j
shadows, how could we see the sunlight?" : i
I sat there in her gloomy office and allowed this kind
your meaning, Madame. And if you can't say you are
sorry, then I can." '"' r ' ' ' ----^
She whispered as if it hurt, "I'm sorry too."
I hugged her close, and we had come to some sort of
compromise.

All the way home I held the gold box of chocolates
on my lap, dying to open ft. "Dad," I began altering^,
"Madame t5 sending Mom this candy as a reconciliation
gift, I giteai.^ ' ; " %'""1 '"^ "I-;: " :.11./;'":
He threw me a glance and a smile. "That's nice.**
"I think it's terribly strange Mom is staying sick with
that cold for so long. She's never been ack more than a
day or two. Dont you think she toolB very ai^" ;
"It's thai ,'irt^,^^^
grouched, watching the heavy traffic, turning on the
windshield wipers, leaning forward ((^;,peftr .jin<M^'- closely at the traffic signal to the right. "I wish it would
stop raining. Rain always bothers her. Then she'sup 'til
four in the morning, next day up at dawn to scribble on
legal pads, afraid to use the typewriter for fear of
waku^|jaw/^^ the caadle«^iiin^^
something has to give--and that's her health. First that
fall, now thiik eolldL",He gaye nw another skteways
glance. "Then there's Bart and his problems, and yop
and yowf^ flo^, yw know oiwse^^now. "Kgiir
mother and I have talked it over, andyou and I have
talked about it few hours and hours. Cwyoia foryw
us? Haven't I managed to help you understand?"
I bowed my head and felt ashamed. "I'm trying to
understaiBcL""^'!..- . ^^^ ;-s;. ^-. ^''.> :i'.' ^'"y^.
'Trying? Is it that difficult? Ha ven't I told you bow it
was with us, up there, au four of us in one room,
growing up, finding out in our adolescence that we had
only ea^^fflep^.^".^4'""^"1'^^^^'"^'¥^'
"Bi»t, Dad. Whenyou ran away and found a new-;
home with Dr. Paid, couldn't you have found someone^
else? Why didit have to be hert" |
Sighing, he set his lips. "^thought I explained to you j
how I felt then about women. Your mother was there!
when I needed her. Our own mother had betrayed us.
When you're young you fix very strong ideas in your |
mind. I'm sorry if you've been hurt by my inability toj
love anyone but her." . j
What was there for me to say71 couldn't understand, j
The world was fuu of beautiful young women, thou1
sands, millions- Then I thought of Melodie. If she were
to die could I go out and find another? I thought and i
thought about that as Dad turned silent and his lips
stayed in that gnnijEine, and the raincame down, down,
driiving hard. It was asif he could read my.nrind.i^r
yes, Jtf ever I was so unfortunate I?» lose Melodic, ifshe
nuttyedaway'and I never saw hieragain, I'd go-onjiymg,
(Bad eventttaliy rd find another to ta&e her place.
Aiiytmrig^w& betterthan---', ' '/ '"'; "/"" :' ' '" ;'l';
"Jory.ttoteW what you're thinking. I've had years
and years to think about why it had to be my sister .and
HO one else. Perhaps^ was because rdlcKSt faithr in all
women'because of what our mother was domgtbrtis,
and-onlymy SEiter could ghwme comfort. She wasrthe
one ^h& kept nie'fiKWIMImglipart'dttnng^tte i
years of depfivafions. 'She was the1 bne who made of';
that one Wioft a »&0*e aOBlse. She wasr'a mother feel
^e*y and Carrie. She made thatwoitoseeia a home, 1
making the table pretty, making the beds, scrubbing
clothes in the bathroom tub, hanging them in the attic I
Hy dry, but more than anything, te wa» the way she J
danced in the attic that made me love her, and put her |
in ay; Bearfc^breWr. ffff it;seemeAas 1 stood in the |
shadows and watched her, she was dancing only for me.
I thought she was making me the prince of her dreams,^
asImadeherthfrprince&sofnMne.IwasjBSwnastecl
:9»aeven nwe?w than she. Itew iaotWe^^W»te ^
different stuff than most women, Jory. She could five
on hate and stilt nourish, I couldn't. I had to have tow
or die; When we escaped r>xww(b HaU, aie ttrted
with ^ul^ wanting tet to take he^ rrctef Kie^'She
married your father when Paul'ssister, Amanda, dotd
her a lie. She was a good wife to your father, but after
he was killed she ran to the mountains of Vh-ginia to
complete her plans for revenge, which inchided string
her inother'sseoond husband. As you have found out,
Bart is the son of my mother's husband, and notthesba
of Paut as we told you and told him. We had to tell lies
then. to protect you. Then, after your mother married
Paul. and he died, she came to me During all those
years I wa«»d, I some^off knew eventually she'd be
mine as long as 1 held fast to my faith, and kept the
flame of my first love burning. It was so easy for her to
love other men. It was impossible for me to find any
woman who anild compere. She took me for her own
when I was about your age, Jory Be careful whom you
love first, for that is the^^w^^iiever'foigfefc"
I let out a long withheld breath, thinking that life was
not at alllike fairy tale ballets, or TV soap operas. Love
did not come and go with the seasons as I'd kinda
hoped'te'would.: '":i:i: -' ^--^"" "i'; i'i:i"' ^''' ::''"' 1:,-"" ii"l/i:<
The drive home seemed to tal6e forever; Dad was
forced to drive very slowly and carefully. From time to
time he fficked his eyes to the dashboard dock. I stared
out of the windows. Everywhere there were Chrfetmas
decorations. Through picture windows I saw gaily lit
Christmas trees. Longingly I stared at the windows we
passed, seeing everything in that smeary way that made
scenes ten times more romantic in the rain. I wished it
was last year. I wished we had the happiness that had
seemed so permanent then. 1 wished that old woman
next door had never come into our lives and messed op
what I thought was perfect. 1 wished too that Madao»e
-1 ' ;- -' 1;^M. had never -flown hene.to snoop in theu^liyes, and |
reveal all their secrets better left hidde®. Worst of aB, I
those two women had destroyed the pride I had for my i
parents. Try as I might, I still resented what tfaeywer^j
doing, what they had done, risking scandal, risking |
ruining my life and Bart's»Ciody's too, and all because |
one man couldn't find another woman to love. And that |
one woman must have done something to keep him |
faithful and hoping. ; .1
"Jory," began Dad as he fumed w<tp ourdriveway,1
"feoaai troe to tuBe4 hear your aBpptber compl^B about |
chapters she's misplaced* Your mother isn't the kind oi|
woman to be careless in any important work project.
I'm presuming you've 'been slipping her completed ]
chapters out of her desk drawer aad . reading
them...." : ,, „ .,,-J. ., ....:. ; . . , ,.„ .,,..
Should I telj him the truth?
Bart was the one who first stole pages from her
script. And yet my sense of morality hadn't kept me
.from reading them too. Though as yet I hadn't read to- the end. For some reason I couldn't force myself to
lead beyond the time when first a brother betrayed his
sister by forcing himself upon her. That this man beside;
me could rape his own sister when she was only fifteen
was beyond my comprehension, beyond my ability to
sympathize no matter how desperate his need had
been, or what the circumstances had been to drive him |
to commit such an unholy act. And certainly she
shouldnt,ttdl tile whole world. I
,"J(Wy,:toa»e I lost you?" ,-/.- .,-./:;';, '..,..4
, I/slaw^yturined, ioy<eye& b» way, feeling sick ands|
weak inside, wanting to hide from the torment I plainly
saw on his face. Yet I couldn't say ye8?--orja®. I
"I g»ess you don't need to aas.wer/1 said Dad in as
tigb^ way. "Your silence gives ywwc answer, aad I'n»|
sorry. lk»ve you as na^ ownsott, and I hoped jou loved
me enough « MMl^OMiKt. ^«^|pi^i»arfly(Xti>,
.when we thought yon wesffrold enough Wettpathize
'with us. Cathy should have-locked her first drafts in a
drawer and not trusted two soees to remain uninterested." . ^ ..„ ------ - . . ; .- .-..- ; ..-..-:."' '
"It's fiction, isn't it?" I asked hopefully. ""Sure,I
.knowit is. No mother coald do that to 'her own
children.. ." and I threw? open the 'passenger door
and was racing to the house before he could answer.
~My lips parted, to can out to Mom. Then I shut any
mouth and said nothing, ft was easier for me to avoid
her..^-'^;--,; ^'^ ,-:'--^ ^'.;-:' ^'" ' /fr:- ; '^Usually
wbeo I came home I dashed out into tiie
garden 'and ran around, doing practice leaps and
positions, and on rainy days like this, I spent more time
at the barre. Today I threw myself in front of the
television set in the family room, pushed the remote
control button, and lost myself in a silly but entertaining
soap opera. -, 3''.'"'- -^--;, . .....'":
''Catty!" called Dad as be came id, "where aie
;you?"' '- :^;^..^-1 '- '-,-;- --.--' . 1'1;,-.-:. ' /
Why hadn't he sung out, "Coaae greet nte with kisses
if you love me?" Did he feel silly, guilty saying that now
that he knew we knew ^ifhese that line came from?
"Have you said hello to your'mother?" he asked as
he came in.
"Haven't seen her."
"Where'sBart?"
"Haven't looked forhun."
He threw me a pleading look, then went on^ into the
bedroom heshared with his "wife." ^
"Cathy, Cathy," I could hearhiiri calling, "wher^aSRB
you?"- ,- - . .:,;..-^.? ....'- ^; . -.-- ,.- ::.: 1 ,
A few seconds later he was in the hateAHsnbehtedtte;
checking theiie--^ind not finding her. He began to tae^
around from room. to rooair,and ftaattybasegenSt on
Bart's lockiedsdoor. "Bart, aff&yowtofflere?*1
fvsst a ite^alit»iM^<»»a»W
^
reply,"Yeah, Tm in here. Whereelse would I be with
the door locked?**
"Then imtock it and come out." ?
"Momma locked me in from the outside so I can't
comeoot," 'l-w : .. '. "11',.'-.' -- ;;'. |
I sat on, iaxmei^ng m^etf in the show, keepinig |
in^Ifdet^l^tWooderinghowIwasgoingtosun^ |
and grow up normally when I felt so unhappy. f
Dad was the type to have duplicate keys to every- |
thing, and soon Bart was out and undergoing a third I
degree. "What did you do to cause your mother to lock |
youupaBCltheagoaway?" '
"Dictatdoaothte!" |
"You must have done something that masSe her
furious." ," ^, :';,.- --.:. .': /. .'1'. "I ^i:--." :^''.- '
Bart grinned at nun slyly, saying nothing. I looked
their way feeling anxious and scared.
"Bart, if you have done anything to harm your
mother, you won't get out of this lightly. I mean that."
"Wouldn*t do nothin to hurt her," said Bart irritably.
"She's the one always hurtin n»&. She don't love me,
onlyCiady."
"Cindy," said Dad, suddenly remembering the little
girl, and away he strode to her pretty room. He showed
up minutes later with her.
"Where is your mother, Bart?"
"How do I know? She locked me up."
Despite myself, I was losing my ability to stay
uninvolved. "Dad, Mom left her car in the garage a few
days ago, and Madame drove us home the rest of the
way, so she couldn't have gQaefett,"
"I know. She told me--something wrong with her
brakes." He threw Bart a long scrutinizing look. "Bart,
are you sure you don't know where your mother is?"
"Can't took through solid doors." |
"Did she^teffiyott where she^was^ng?" ; |
.-;"Nobody-ewr.»eftt-Bae"snotfriB^?..3Kf, ^w^':: ^";s.^ }
Wk 1
Suddenly Cindy piped up; "Mommy meat -'out »a
rain ... . raw got us all wet. .." /
Bart whirled around to stab her with his glare. She
froze and began to tremble. Smiling,
Dad picked up Cindy again and sat down to
hold her on his lap. "Cindy, you're a lifesaver. Now,
think backcarefuHy and tell me where Mommy went."
Trembling more, she satstaring at Bart and unable to
speak. I . .1. -i". .. .' -1 ' -. ..; : ': 1 ' .. ii- , :
"Please, Cindy, look at me, not Bart. I'm here, I'H
take care of you. Bart can't hurt yoa when I'm here.
Bart, stop scowling at your s^er." _
"Cindy ran but in the rain, Daddy, and Momma had
to chase outside and catch her, and then she came in
dripping water, and coughing, and I said something,
and she got mad at me andshoved me in my room and
slanHned tiie door;" ; : ; ; .
"Well, I guess that explains CSuSy's tangled hair,"
said Dad. But he didn't took relieved. He put Cindy :on
her feet and began to make a series of phone calls to all
Mom's friends, and Madame Marisha. My grandmother
said she'd drive right over. ; . ' ^ r
Then he was talking to Emma, who couldn't return
until tomorrowAecauseof the storm. Ithoughtot my
grandmother on the read, trying todaw here inthe
downpour. Even in perfect weather, she wasn't what
I'd call's safe driver.'"-;,/ ^-^ ;--" ^ .'".--" -"; .
"Dad, let's check au the rooms, even the attic," I
said, jumping up and running toward the linencloset.
"She may have gone" up tflitere.ta dance like die does
sometimes, and accidently locked herself in, or fallen
asleep on one of those beds. . . ®r something^I
concluded this lamely, thinking he was looking at me in
an odd way. "A
When Dad started to follow me up the attic stairs,
Cindylet out a loud^wailoffright. QBickayaewteaBea
to the hall and picked hei8'upas if to take her with us.
Ban pulled out a new pocketknife and began to whittle
on a long tree branch. It seemed he was going to skin
off all the tree baric and make a smooth switch. Cindy
couldn't take her eyes off of that knife or switch.
Dad, Cindy and me looked all over our house, in the
attic,; in the closets, under the beds, everywhere. Mom
was nowhere to be found. "It's|ustnotlikeCathytodo
anything like this," Dad said worriedly. "Especially I
know she wouldn't leave Cindy alone with Bart.
Something is verywroag*"
Yeah, I thought, if there was a fish in the house, ft
was watching us and whittling away on a limb that
should be used on he bare bottom.
"Dad," I whispered as hestood in the middle of his
bedroom again, looking around with bleak eyes, "why
don't we presume Bartlaiwws^faere she's gone? He's
not the most honest la) ever born. You know how crazy
he's been acting tetety."
We set off together. Dad still carrying Cindy, and
hunted now for Bart. Now uk couldn't find /um. He
was gone..- ^ .:^ii'^:^. "-.'.. : - . , -.'. . ,"
Dad and I stared at each other. He shook his head.
I stared around, knowing Bart had to be hiding
behind a chair, or was crouched down tow in some
corner that was dim, or perhaps out in the rain, acting
Bfie^att wmnaL-'.'." v^ ^i"^1.^ --.-"li ..1 ..''11'!;-
But the storm was getting worse. His cave in the
hedges wouldn't keep him dry. Even Ban had more
sense than to stay oat m the cold and wet.
My thoughts in a turmoil, I felt witd inside, like the
storm. I hadn't done anything to deserve all this
trouble--yet I was in tile midst of to, suffering atong
with Dad, with Mom, with Cindy . .. and maybe Bart
too. - i. , , -' ' ;, :' 1 - .- '.'."Arc
you hating me now, jory?" asked Dad, looking
at me squarely. "Are wheels churning in your head
saying your mother and I brought this all on ourselves
and we deserve to pay the price? Are you thinkingyou
shouldn't have to pay any price? If that's what you're
thinking, I'm thinking the same thing. Maybe your
mother's life would have turned out better, and yours
and Bart's too, if I had gone away and left her to live in
Paul's home until she found another man. But I still
loved her. I love her now, tomorrow and forever. God
help me for not being able to think about life without
her." Dully
I turned away. So that was what everlasting
burning love was like, destroying everything that got in
its way. ; -:-- ..: ---1'/-<;.^1.; .1."^.1
Ona^bed I lay <towH and sobbed.
Finally, I sat up and wondered again where Mom
was. For the first time it really bit me--she nright be in
danger. She wouldn't leave Dad. Something terrible
must have happened or she'd be here, setting the table
as she did every Thursday when Emma had her day off.
Thursdays were very-special to them for reasons I was
just beginning to understand, z.'
Thursday, the day the maids of R»tworth Halt went
into the city. Thursday, the day Mom and Dad could
climb out the attic dormer window and lie on the roof
and talk, and as they talked, as they looked at each
other in their nigh and lonely place, they fell mindlessly,
uncontrollably in love. . - For
now I knew why Mom. had married one man
after another. Trying always to escape fl» sinful have
she felt too* - 1 . '' . "-", .^ ' . I ^ ^ >' ^"- '"
I got up. Decided. It was up to me to find Bart.
When I found Bart, I'd find my mother.
My Attic Souvenirs

In the huge kitchen of the mansion John Amos had
everything under control. The maids and cook were
scun'ying about.^'Nadame had to leave jeariy," he told
them."Now-you are topack upwhatclothes she'llwed
fcnrher trip<o Hawaii, .and be quick a&out te. Lottte, I
wantgyQu toidrive her bagsto the airport aodput them
oo the plane. Do»'t just stand ^theie and stare- at me
with your blank face looking so stupid. You understand
English. Do as I sayP' '--:' ^..^ ' . /.'>'; ^^:^:'<
Boyf he could act mean when he wanted, to. TOey
scattered like scared birds, one this way, one that, and
(hen we-were alone and ae wasgrinning at me with his
cracked teeth. "How did your end go?" ;
Just like themovies,: hiaiand saes. I swallowed over
some lump that stayed in my throat and wouldn't get
away. "They don't know whei'e Moimha is. 'They're
WQXfied»!and keep .asking,whereis she?"
"Never mind about them," he said in his funny old
voice thatmade me wonder why <3od bad chosen him
forsuch a special job, ^Tmake care of everything until i
God sends his signal that your mother and grandmother ;
have been redeemed, and saved from heufires. You just |
go home and keep quiet." ^
Pile in my mmd, growing bigger, hotter. "You told J
me-my momma would be my attic souvenir. And now |
you won't even-tell me? where you put her. I've; looked,!
in the attic and they're jnot up there. You tell mewhere
they are, or I'll go home and teH my daddy what you've
done." . ' ' -'- -'" :"'- ',--- ' ^y.'
"WhatTve done?" he asked with a curling sneer.
"It's what you have done, Bart Winslow Sheffield.Do
you think for one moment, with your violent psychiatric
history that you-can be believed and not blamed?
Th& law win take you and find you guilty, and you will
be locked away." ' ."^1: : ^'-i'::iii: ly-^.-'.i
When he saw the red Malcolm anger in my eyes he
tried to smile. "Gome BOw,&fft,Iwas'oafytestMg
you, trying to see ifyou*dhireakandlose'yourieoarage,;
But you're strongand firil of the righteoBs power; the
same as your great-grandfather, Malcohn. Every power
he had you have. And now is your chance to use those:
powers* Rtf'noW yoa*Bt>e in charge oft&e adiifts--your
mother and grandmother. You wBl control tifeeir fives,
and feed them--if you wut--or let them starve if you
are so inclined. But you have .to be careful. You must
keep them a secret until... well, remember always
your father and brother will be suspicious, and they
may betray you if you give them the teast hint of what
you're up to." People
always suspected me. If; something was
broken it was always my fault. If the toilet stopped up
and overflowed it was always because Fd thrown down
too much paper. If Momma lost her jewelry, that Was
my fault too. Whatever bad thing happened hi iour
house, tHey said it wasmyfault: rd shew^em npwitow
wrong ft was for them not to love me. ^ t
"Breadand water," Isaid. "Breadaa& water&good
enough for women who are unfaithful to husbands and
sons." ; ;;':'''11"'"" '--' "'- "-:: .'^'^1 '".'''^
"Fine, fine," mumbled John Amos. %" : ; '
Down, down the narrow cellar steps John Amos led
me, carrying a small flashlight. Made eerie shadows on
the wau&,felt;clammy. Long time ago when thfe house
belonged to lory and me yne'd found every nook, every
cranny. But tins; was whereghosts lived, where I'd
never felt comfortable, so I stayed close at the heels of,
John Amos, terrified if he moved more than a yard
ahead ofme. "They'll look; doswfthere," I whispered,
scared of waking up things that might be steeping. "No,
they won't k)ek where I have them hid," ..answered
John Amos. He chortled. "Your father.wUl be sure they'
are in the attic, and why not? That would be:the perfect
revenge. But they'll never-never find the snug little
cage the/workmen made when they put up anew brick
wall to reinforce the wine cellar."
-Wine.cellar. Didn't sound nearfy as good as the attic.
Wasn't nearly as scary, but it was very'cold and dark
down here.
John Amos began brushing away spiderwebs, then
he shoved old furniture, aside, and finally, came to a
board door that was very hard to open. "ISow you go in
and peek through the little door at .the bottom ;of that
door over there," he said. "We used to have a stray
kitten your grandmother took in, but it disappeared
shortly after you started coming over here. She had me ,
cut this little door in the larger one so the cat could
come and go when it wanted to." : r .
With the flashlight held beneath his chin he looked
like something dead and dug up. Didn't trust him not to
slam the dopr shut behind me, and.I'd never be able to
wiggles through that Uttlekftty door.
"No. You go.aUhe' wine cellaiF first," I ordered like
Malcolm would. Bor a moment he didn't move. ?Maybe
he thought I might slam the 4oor behind ba»; Thett he ^
gave me a:longlook before he wenfrstowly 'wani the wine|
cellar. He put the flashlight on one of the wine raeto|
while he tugged and tugged at. the back rack holding
many bottles of dusty ole wine bottles. |
FinaBy itcreaked open. Smelted bad in there. I heldl
my nose and staredy a^ tfees stan^ same Biere. Ja&a|
Amos held his .flashlight high so I could see the two
women prisoners-better. ' i ^ a ^
Oh, oh; Momma, Grandniother--*owpitiful a»y
momma looked, lying on the damp concrete with her
head held on my grandmother's lap. 33ea» op (hem
raised their hands to shield their eyesftom the bright
light come so suddenly into thetrdark evil cell. I could
barely see, it was so dint- ' ;; ; ;
"Who is it?" asked my momma weakly. '^Ghris, is
that you? Have you Ipund us?" ^ j; ri
Was my momma blind now? How could she think
John Amos was Biy daddy? Ifsaymwma.^weBt^fla^
and crazy too, would God think that enough punishment?
...'-f.;:-;^ ^--... i ^.,^.'^"^.,;^..;;:^';1^
My grandmother spoke up. "Jotin, I know thiat'syoa.
You tet us out of here thisminute. De you hear me!^"tet
us out immediately." . <
John Amos laughed. -: ; '
I didn't know what to do, hot Nfaleohn caine ia a»y
brain and told me. "You give me the key, John^Asaios^
I ordered sternly. "You go up Ae stairs and let rue give
the prisoners their bread and water."
Wonder why he obeyed? Did he really think I was as
strong as Malcobn? I watched until he was out of sight,
then Iran to bolt another door so hecouldn't sneak up
behind me. ;."
Feeling more like Malcolm than like Bart, I crept on
my hands andknees, shoving along the silver trayiwitit
its half loaf of bread, and its silver pitcherbfc water? It
didn't seem to me funny to be serving prisoaiaeate
from a silver fray, for that's the way my gtanda»aAer
always did things, elegantly. ; ., ^.^^^i
Big door was shut now. It appeared only anothetol
the wine shelves full of dusty old bottles. Flal ptt iBy
stomach I reached under the lower shelf and opened
the little door that would swing inward^ or outward- wonder why dKfeittEnttfecf-it baekia Ac dartest part?
R' ' ' .^ . 1','1^'; '''"*;
. ' ' r.'.
."Bread, water," I said in a hard gruffvoice and
quickly shoved in the tray. I slammed the little door
shut and picked up a bride to wedge it so they couldn't
seeme if they pushed.
I stayed to spy on them. I heard my mother moaning,
and crying out for Chris. Then she surprised me.
"Momma, where ha& Momma gone, Chris? It's been so
long since she visited us, months, months, and the twins
don'tgrow." - ,1 , .'.. . . :-..., .. . ... .'
"Cathy, Cathy, my poor darling, stopthinkingabout
the past," said my grandmother, "Pleasehold;on,eat
and drink to keep up your strength. Chris will come to
saveusboth." , .'.., . : - . . ; ;'.
"Cory, stop playing that same tune over and over.
Tva so tired of ycair lyrics. Why do you write such sad
songs? The night will end, it wol. Chris, tell Cory the
day will begin soon."
I heard sobs then. From my grandmother?
"Oh, my Ood!"she cried. "Is this the way it's going
fp end? Can't I do anything right? This time I was so
sure I could work it out. Please, God, don't let me fail
all of them, please." I listened to her pray out kmd.
"Praying for my mother to get well, for her son fo come
and find them before it was too late. Over and over she
said the same words as my mother asked crazy questions.
I sat and listened for a long time. Legs got cramped
and uncomfortable, got old and weary inside, like I was
locked. up in there with them, crazy too, hungryl
hurting, dying. ^
"gobi now»" I said in a whisper. "Don't like thi|
place."

Nobody was home and it was dark. Now I could rui|
to the refrigerator and steal the food. Iwas stuffing ^
another ham slice when Madatoe Marisha opened th||
door from the garage and stalked into the kitchen.
"Good evening, Bart," she said. "Waere's yourfather
andfory?91 /-. ,,.' - - , ... ..„.-;.;..., ,;.-^ .
I shrugged. Nobody told me nothin. Didn't know
why Daddy and Jory would go off and leave Ctedy
alone with me. ThenEmma was calling outfrom
another room; "Helto,Madame Marisha. Dr. Sheffield
told me you were due here any moment. I'n» sorry you
went to so much trouble. Once I linew Cathy had
disappeared^! couldnt^ stay 'away. I have ^a lowow
what's happened to her,^aad^e was "so ^siek, so
feverfeh;,lI..shol^di^have known Metier ttnasf to teaive
her." TneftEnriaa^ sawms. ^'Barti ^biriM^edW^
boy. How dare ^i»^ add t&-your^ father^ a»ear^sa by
disappearingitoo. Yea are a bad boy» sad FB«teet wf
life you know something about waere yea^wotBer
isr'. - ^A-^^ ? -.y: :'-:-^; '.-1 --.h-- "^.^ :/'
Both old women glared at me. Hating me with4 their
mean-mean eyesi i lao. Raft from knoWHig'sooft Pdbei
crying and JeouMn'ttet'anybody see nte cty^oWtBat
I had to^aet jast litoe Malcolm--the BeanftsSi ^..''wy-

The Search

The night was" not nt for man nor beast. It was rainiag
like when Noah was building his ark. The wind howled
and shrieked and was trying to tell ussomething, like
wild music that would destroy your brain. I tept^(|S&
with Dad.thot^diatwasn^easysinceI'd^W^I^
legs as long as ffls. His hands were balled into nstS.'I

fisted mine too, ready to do battle beside him when t
need arose. ,";-;."' ^--::- . - :..^ - ; - . :;1-
"Jory," said Dad, striding on without pausing, "h<
often docsBart corns over here?" We'd reached <
black iron gates by this time, then he leaned to spe
into the box which seat his voice into the house.
"tdon't know," Isaidnuserably. "Bart used totr
me, but now he doesn't trust anybody, so he does
teU-mewhat he doesanymore." .
Slower, slowly, the black gates swung open.tie
seemed like Mack skeleton hands welcoming us into c
graves. I shivered, thinking 1 was getting as morbid
Hut. I had to run then to keep up with Dad. Tve (
^ysayiseaaethiag,^ Lyeffledawl could be heard abo
]bm! wind. "'When I filst fouad out you- are Moa
brother and our own uncle, I thought I hated you a
her too. I thought I could never forgive either one
you for making me so ashamed, so disappointed
thought I'd' dry up inside: and never tove or tn
anyone again. But now that Mom's gone I know ;
always love her and you. I can't hate either one of y<
even if I want to."
"la "the bard driving rain, in the dark, he turned
clasp me against his chest, his hand pressing my be
against his heart, I think I heard him sob. "Jory, y
don't know how much I've longed to hear you say y
don't hate me or your mother. I always hoped yo»
understand when we told you--and we were going
tell you when you were older. We thought, perhi
foolishly, that we needed to wait a few more years, t
now that you have found out on your own, and you c
still love us, maybe later on you will come to und
' stand."1'1.,,^.^1 ,,- .., -.;;:,.,-- ,- 1 - ,.,
I drew closer to Dad as we continued on our way
the shadowy mansion. I felt a new bond had develop
between us that was^ stronger than what ^ fl
before. In a ^ay he was mcwe my father, because?

"vk ' .

had much of my own kited of blood. Blood of lily blood,
I thought, my own uncle and Bart's, though I'd always
thought he was Bart's uncle, and that had made me a
little jealous. Now I could lay claim to him too. But
why hadn't they realized I was mature fop my age, and I
would have understood when they told me Mom had an
affair with Bart's father, . .1 would have . . . I think.
We reached the steps. Before Dad could bang on the
doorknocker, the left side of the double doors swung
open and there stood that butter, John Amos Jackson.
"I'm packing," he said in way at greeting, scow^«|»
and ugly IiSfoktag^ "ami nay Wife has one tef^ffieoi. I
have a million things to take care of here without
entertaining the neighbors, I plan to join her as soon as
I'm done here." . ,,.,,,, ..y^^.1^'^;.,^',;'- »^ , .;.'
"Your WiSey bellpwedi^Bd^ his astonishment so
clear it slapped- me too. _;. ^.^ ^,,^,- - -.:.,,-,;. ,;"^.', }. ..,' 1.
Something smug came and went in the butler's
watery eyes. "Yes, Dr. Christopher Sheffield^ M^
Winslow is n^ roarriBdtQnie,'*
I thought Dad would fall from shock. "I want tosee
her. And I don't believe you. ^'d be out of her nun«dl
.to marry you.", „.,.. :1..,,.^. ' ,-1^,;.,':./11^ . , ^.: '.,^":'11'
"IdonT^'^^gnm,^^!^
out of her mind. Some women can't live without a man
to run their affairs, and that's what I am--someone to
leanon."1'"'"'1;^'"1' :?,.'" '"'^; -^"'1" ; '^'i^v.''J
"I dOHflbeBevie you," stonned ^ny <la&. "Wh^ ilfc
she?,WhelprB my'wiiafef'lHawyou.seerfl^"^'*^^^^^
'ITie buttosffliibd. '^l^^^.sn^llitave^
do keeping up with my own wife without looking out
tor yours. Yesterday my wife railed about this terrible
weather and took off with one of our maids. She tolcf
me to join her later, after I'd arrangedl.i chise up that
house. And after all the trouble and expense she weBt
to having this place redexxirated and refurbBhed--ilow
wants 'V^WsSiw"*
Dad stood staring at, John Amos Jackson. I thoug]
we'd leave then, but Dad seemed rooted. "You kno
who I ana, don't you, John? Don't deny it. I see it
yoar eyes. Youare the butler who made love to tl
maid Liwie while I lay on the floor behind the sofa ai
heard you tell her about the arsenic on the sugan
doughnuts meant to kill the .attic mice."
"I don't know what you're talking about," denied tl
butler, while I looked from him back to Dad. Oh,
should have finished every page of Mom's manuscrip
Things were even more complicated than I'd realize
^ John,^; perhaps you are married to my mother ai
perhaps you are lying. Regardless,! think you kno
what has happened to my wife, and now I'm c6ncem<
about my mother as well. So, get out of my way I'
going to search this house from top to bottom."
The butler paled. "You can't come over'here and t<
me what to do," he muttered indistinctly, "Icouldci
thepouce . ;."
'TBut you won't, and if you want to, go ahead, ci
ttiem. I am going to search now, John. There's nothil
you can do'to stop me."
The old butler shuffled away, shrugging helplessi
"Go on then, have your way, but you won't m
anything."
Together Dad and I searched. I knew the house mu<
better than he did, all the, closets, the secret place
Dad kept saying the attic was where they would be. B
when we were, up there; and looking, there was nothil
hut junk and dusty ^clutter.
Again we returned feo the parlor where the woman 1
called mother bad her hard wooden rocker which I s
in and found quite uncomfortable. Restlessly Di
prowled the room, then paused.in the archway that 1<
to the adjacent room, that parior where the hugef.
portrait hung. "K Cathy eaBae'jOverAeN ste wowi
m . . ;
have seed that, and she could have come if ^Bart told
her something." ' "-^c-<"'""-'1/" .s^.".''..'.
Rocking back and forth in the Chair, I made it
"walk" a Httte closer to the fire that was guttering out.
Something crunched beneath one of the rockers. Dad
heard the sound and bent to pick up an object. It was a
peart.
He tested it between his teeth and smiled bitterly.
"My mother's string of pearls with a butterfly clasp. She
always wore them, just as pur grandmother always
wore her diamond brooch. I dont believe my mother
would go anywhere without those pearis."
Another hour of searching the house, and questioning
the Mexican maid and cook who did not understand
English very weB, and both he and t were IErtBBn|ted,
"I'U be back, John Amos Jackson," said Dad as be
opened the front door, "and the next time ]['U have 'fline- police withme.** '.:./:.-' ^,,:. ./,''..,','''.":', ^^ .
"Have it your way. Doctor," sand the butler ;with a
tight malicious smile.
"Dad, we can't notify the, p@18oe--ean we"?" ;
"We will if we have to. But let's wait at-least untB
tomorrow. He wouldn't dare harmCathy or my
mother,or he'd land up behind bars.^
"Dad, I'll bet Bart knows what is going on. He and
John Amos are very thick." , v »
I explained then how Bart was always talking to
himself whenever he believed he was alone. He talked
in his sleep too, and when he stalked around playing
. pretend games. It seemed tee most important part of
I Bart's Ufewas spent alone, talking to himself. ^
"All right, Jbry, I understand what you're saying. 1
I have an idea I hope works. This may weD be the most
| importaat part you've every played, so pay attention.
I Tomorrow morning you are only to pretend to go to
I school, ra ti^^^wt^aioea <a we turn the cortter
-' , , ,,.'^onto the highway. yo» ryn bacfc home and make
]Bart doesn't see you. I'll try to find out if my me
reallyflew to Hawaii, and if she really married tli
.horrible old man."

^VbiBpcttng Voices

'- :. ". : . - - .: - " J' .'..;,-. ....-.,' ..^s.-"- .. :;;'
Questions, questions, all they did was ask me ques1
fiohs.'/ '; ," ' . " ' "'."' ' '" ',"{ ''; ,.' '"' ^.i
.Didn't know nothing, nothing. Wasn't guilty, wasn't. I
Why ask mer Crassy kids didn't give straight answers. |
"Momma's gone 'cause she always hated me, even? |
^henlwasaHttlebaby." I
That night whores, harlots and strumpets came to'|
dance to my head. Woks up. Heard the rain beating on |
the roof .Heard the wind blowing at my window. |
IPell asleep again and dreamed I was like Aunt Carrie|
who didn't grow tall enough. Dreamed I prayed anc
prayed and one day ©od let me grow so tall my hea
touched the sky. Looked down and saw all the litf
people' running around tike ants, afraid of me.
laughed and stepped in the ocean, making tidal wav<
rise up and wash over the taB cities. More'pipsquea
screams. All the people I didn't squash were drowiK
Sat in the ocean then that came to my waist and cri<
Uy tears were so huge they made the ocean rise
again--and all I could see all around me was
reflection, and how handsome (was now. Now
there wastft a girl or. woman, left alive ..to love
I told John Amos about my dreams. lie nodded his
head and told me he used to dream when he was young
about girls and how much he could love them, if only
they wouldn't see how long his nose was. "I had other
attributes I couldn't show them, but they never; gave me
a chance, never a chance."

Next morning .fory left with Daddy. Easy to slip away
from Emma and Madame Marisha, for they had to fool
around with Cindy so much. But it gave me the chance
to steal into the mansion next door. I sneaked around
to ^l,J^^AAto&.'.He.wa^;pacJ^^^^
lamps, paintings and other yalhtabk^^ ,'BiQ^^y'"
silver should be wrap|)ed ,:Wyf^iai
said to one of the maids, "and bee
and 'cirystal^^l^ajlly^^^^jE

', . ' ., '"-._» ..';'';''.'...-; . -..:-?^;-!-'i''""'"tsE.-^^'ia^'1,.''s:^; ':;:rfSto-a^st^¥^-1^';<:^^-^?:"-?^
here,' S^.jn|^er^^:<nQM^|^^
. '' "'Your imstress b. a 'woraan^^algfi^^iBoo^^
^hat nutty boy next door. 'niatltelfriolne wl»q,16ahips^
coming over here. He'sgotteh tobe a reat naKance. He
killed the dog she gave tinn. I suppose noiBeof you
know that?"'^'^ ''' '/'''' ,1";"', i'l'.'^"^-'
I stared in the rt»bin and saw the taaid's lips patt in
horror. "No :. .thought the dog went over ttrboy^
.holne .;.'." ^ ':' ","- ^ .^ ' ' {; :" '":'.;;1"':"'
"The brat is dangerous? That's why MadaBierhasVo
move--4^e^s threatened ^her tife more than one'iBttie.
He's under thecar^ ofa psychiattisi." r^
They looked from one to (he other and made circles
above their heads. Mad! Mad. as hell at John Amos,
teuing ties about me. ' <
Waited untS he was alone/sitting |^ the^Micy desk
wfaere my graBtlmotber tept bfR <*»cckbook. He .

- ' 1' 1 '' ' '/.^;
jumped when I came in. "Bait, I wish you wouldn't
sneak around like that. Make some noise when you
enter, clear your throat, cough. .. do something to
announce you are there." '
"I heard what you told the maids. I'm not crazyt"
"Of course you're not," he said, his S's hissing as
always. "But I do have to tell them something, don't I?
Otherwise they might become suspicious. As it is, they
think your grandmother has gone on a trip^ to
Hawaii.^." ' ^ :1 1 -.'^ ---: --,- '
I 4elt sick inside, standing there, toeing in my
sneakers, and staring down at them: "John Amos...
can I give my momma and granny sandwiches to eat
today?"'--1 -I -i--: 1- . i . - - "1/ .
"No. Theycaift Beliungryalitady."
l'l1KneW;he:woua8iay';lhat.'', 1 /'' .1:1' ' :1 '-'^' ' "
'He forgot roe then. He was reading over her
bankbooks, ner savings accounts, her receipts and
giggling to himself .He found a little key and opened a
tiny drawer way back behind another door. "StUpid
woman, thought I didn't notice where She hid her
key,.:.."' " ' ; - :/'1; } { /,,,...''; 1 '.
I left him having his fun with my granny's things, and
I stole down to where my caged mice were. Made me
feel better to think of them as only mice.
My momma was groaning, half crying from the cold
as I peeked insidfe and saw they had the little stub of
candle lit. I'd shoved in the candle along with some
matches so I could see what they were doing. Monunaj
looked little and white, and stiB^my granny held her;
head in her top, and wiped her face with a rag she must
have torn from her slip, for it had lace on oneragged ;
^edge,-.. ...<„ ; . ;, . , - ,./ ., ., - , „ .. ,:..|
"Cathy my love, my only daughter left, please listen
to me, I:haye^tQSpeak now for linayBeverhave|
another chance. Yes, I made mistakes. Yes, I allowed
my father to torment me until I didn't know right from
wrong, or which way to turn. Yes, I put arsenic on your
sugared doughnuts thinking each one of you would get
only a attle sick, then I could slip you out one By one. I
didn't want one of you to die. I swear I loved you, all
four of you. I carried Cory out to my car where he
breathed his last breath just as I laid him on the back
seat and covered hint with two blankets. I panicked. I
didn't know what to do. I couldn't go to the ponce, and
I was so ashamed, so guilty." ;
She shook my mother, while I trembled too.
"Cathy, my daughter, please wake up and listen,"
she pleaded. Momma had awakened and seemed to be
trying (o focus her eyes. "Darling, I don't" think Bart
killed the dog I gave him. HeIoyedAppte.Ithink3ohn
did that hoping Bart would be blamed and considered
crazy and dangerous so the pfSSSee would out^t&e Name!
on Bart" when yflm and I ^da&ppeaB^'^i^nir jytuit
strangled-'.lOTy^ 'Ifttfe^pet^i^^^lBll^^l^':
kitten^ as-well. , ' ",'}.," '^."'...:^'" .'^.!' ilf^t:•^^'^'•,^)^
' "Bait is a very lonely,'jeciuus^ Mttfe 'b^'^^thy^J^iL,'
he's not dangerous. He^ likes^ tQ pretend^heis, amS bb
that way he can feel like he's going to be & poweffut
man. But it's John who is dangerous. He hates me. I
didn't know unttt a few years ago that if I hadn't
returned to Foxworth Hall after your father died, Joha
would have inherited all the Foxworth, fortune. My
father trusted John as he trusted no one else, perhaps
because, they .were,so much alike. But when I came
back, he forgot John. He wrota-tohn out of his will and
put me back in as his; sole hear: Catby, are;;yott
listening?"-.^- ^,-:./111-.'.::;.; •-• -• •-''.' '^•'-;^:•.•:•'lb•;i'K.^•
"MoHana, is teBLyou, Moauna?" ^ed^B^^BOlBttsat
in a sBaaQ voice that sounded like a eSaHnS-m ;eoiuKI»@?/
"Moauaa» why doB't you look ^rf tte Nntag "(ril^^r
coine^ttlto^^usf^Why^^Wydtt B^tf^sfttt(e^ai6al|t
grow as they should? Are you deliberatelynot see-
ing?—just ignoring them soyou won't feel guilty and
ashamed?" -^/. ;• ,,—;- . '.',.,.
"Oh, €athy!'' cried Grandmother, "if only you knew
how much it hurts to hear you say those things after all
these years. Did I hurt you so deeply you can. never
heal, you and Chris too? It's no wonder you and your
brother—I'm sorry, so sorry I could die." But in a
moment or so she pulled herself together and went on
with what she called a "desperate urgency."
"Even if you are delirious and can't fully understand
now, I must speak, or I may not live to, tell you
everything. When John Amos was a young man, about
twenty-ftw?, he lusted after me, though I wasonlyjteB.
He'd j6id|i,ip corners and spy on me, then hurry to my
father an^ make the worst of innocent deeds on my
part. I couldn't tell my parents that John told lies for
they never believed me-—they believed him.^ They
refused to recognize a young girl is often preyed upon
by older Otett, even bider relatives; John wasr third
cousin to my mother, the only member of her family my
father could stand. I think my tether put it in his head
after my otder two brothers died, that if ever I fell out
of his iEavor, Jfoha woulcrbenent. That was my^filther's
wayofertracfihgiaieiBbsfotox^
his sugar plums that would vanish when reached for.
John wanted my mother's wealth too. They encouraged
him to think he might inherit. They thought him a saint.
He wore a piouslook all the time, he^cted go<Byy and |
all the while he was seducing every pretty young maid
who ever came into Fbxworth Hall. And my parents
never Suspected. They couldn't see any evil but what
their children did. Can you understand now why John
hates me? Why he bated my children too? He would
have been the beneficiary if t had stayed in Gladstone.
"One day I heard him in the back haU whispering to
Bart, your son, that I used my feminine wiles' to cajoiei
my father into disinheriting the only man who was his
friend, his best confidant."
Grandmother began to cry then. I shriveled up tight,
hurting deep inside from all I was finding out. Malcolm,
were you evil too? Who wasT to trust now? Was John
Amos just as conniving with his "masculine wiles" as
my granny was with her feminine ones? Was everybody
just as wicked as my granny and momma? Was God on
my side, on her side, or John's^
"Momma, are you still there. Momma?" f
"Yes, darting, I'm still here. Ill stay and take care of
you as I never took care of you before. This time I'll be
the mother I should have been before. This time I'll
saveyffuaaASShsas.1*. :- ^'-< -, ^ - ^~- ---^.? ';T- ^
"Who are you?" demanded my mother, bolting ap
again and shoving my grandmother away. "Oh!" she
screamed, "it's yoafc^bu v/wesi't satisae&|ust;?tfttlB
Cory and Carrie, now you've come bacfe to taBme too;
Then you'll have Chris aU to yourself, aB yoors, an
yours," she broke then and cried; then ^be began to
scream like shewas crazy, shrieking out over and over
again now m»aA stoeAK^kl herihflthera^'Wl^b^ y^
die, Corrine ft»worth---way don't youidfe?" t
Went away. CouldB't stand aBymore a£ thai. They
werebothevB.i.--^- ,., i':.-^. 'A...
But why was this hurting so much?

-^it? ^^fHtriinal'Yqtb^'Sl tfiSb^.^Wr^1^:

ICtetectiv^

luit as DsdaN I had planned,early the next morn
ni4 drove flie off toward school, the» he let. me out
ac road that led to our house. "Now tatee it easy, Jo
poo't d(fcaaything that will endanger .your life, i
^'t let B»»t or that butfer knowwhat you're
ty-they could be dangerous, remember that,"
hugged me dose, ;as if afraid I roight be foolhar
"listeo caKsfully to nw now. I'm going to see Ba
Qjjychiatnst thia;<BQ)rnittg so I cao ^l him what
^ippened. Then 1'TOcNsctong the wrporte to see if
fliother has flown anywhere, Aough Godfaaows th
grt likely. But for both women to^disappearva^ the M
My is just too muchat a coincidence."
I had to say it. As much as I dreaded hearing
,»ords come from my own lips, I had to ^eak. "D
^ave you considered that Bart might have . ..»
<ou know. Clover was strangled with wire. Appte
starved and then stabbed with a pitchfork. Who kB
^hat, he aught do next?"
He patted my shoulder. "Yes, of course I*ve That
of that. But I carft picture Bart overcoming 5
mother. She's very strong even if She does have a o
That's what worries me most, Jory. She had a temp
tare of one hundred, and fevers do make a pel
weaker. I shouldhave stayed home to take care of 1
A woman is a fool to marry a doctor," he conciu

tHW. .

bitterly, as if he'd forgotten I was there. ABtl aB the
while his motor was purring softly. He bowed his head
down on his hands thatheld the steeringwheels. <
"Dad ... you go oh and do what you can to check
the airlines. I'll handle everything here." And I added
with a big burst of overconfidence, "And rememBeii"--'
Madame M. is here. And ybttknow how she is. Bart
won't pull anything with her around." l ; :i^'%3
Smiling, as if I'd given him the assurance he needed,
he waved goodbye, and drove off, leaving me standing
there and wondering just what to do. The fierce rain of
yesterday had dwindled to a stow drizzle '(Bat was
miserable" and cold, bttt'flflt wild;
Home again, and I was hiding behind the shrubbery
all wet and dripping,as Bart sat in the kitchen and
refused to eat his breakfast. "Hate «vcrythinj( yon
cook," he said sullenly. It -was surprfsang to N^ his
voice coming to me so dearly. Then I siBaateii^iiStW
feeling spooked as I had before. It was the intercom
system, (eft oh. Often delivery men tiameto ourbact:
door rather than use the special drive that circled tbfr
front. Our breakfast nook wasn't too far from the panel
on the wall with dozens of buttons. 1 remembered when
our house was being constructed how Mon» had wanted
"music in every room---so housework won*t seem such
a bore." Then came Madame's strident voice. "Bart,
what's wrong with your ceeeal?" ?
"Don't Hbe cereal with raisins." n ^
"Then don't eat the raisins." wafbs
"They get in the way " ; a&
"Nonsense. If you don't eat breakfast, tilBtt4^
won't eat lunch either. And ifyoudon't ttrt NAwli,
there will be no dinner--and one tea-year-old ba^ is
going to bed very hungry!" - 3 ^ €
"YaucaBt stai-vemetodeathP" Bartsniftdlfld.^^IMs
is my house! 'You doa^ belong Beret Wl^N^^
"I will NOT geioutMam «tayrag^fttil ywss^StiS^
~ -'.Nfe
jDetecKm

Just as Dad and I had planned, early the next morning
INd,«teove. safe. offiAGHwawfcsebooly tibtea he tet a^autaonil
the road that led to our house. ''Nowttate&^isy^Jory^
Dson'tidtfcaaythiag tikatLW(U;eBdai^eF^OBr lifotVand|
d<iwit 'let Bart or that butler Iww what you'ne m||
to4-theyAC<a»ld toe daBgerou», penwniber -that." Hal
hugged me cik)>se^^i^^afeMtfI;roight;beftxAat^
'''Us^ncaisfuBytosKno^?. I'm gQiny^O see; Barf^
psychiatrist this morning so I cao tell him what ha»|
ba^pewd-.'nMai'I'wA^kiog. the^a»qxHts''ta;iase:tf:as^
laotbear has fiowa aiiy»be«, tihou^ Ood; taio^ that'll
not likely. But for both women to disappear in the sam«|
'4ayfeJHSt;tQOI»«fco£a;coinca<^enoee'' '."'" /^'^,||
I had to say it. As much as I 'dreaded hearing th<|
words cooie from w^ own Ups, IAad;taspeak. "13a(J
have you considered that Bart nught have . . . we^
you know. Clover was strangled with .wire. -Applev^
starved and then stabbed with a pitchfork. Who knowl|
wnathe augfct do nert?" ^
Mejpatted^m^ "Yes, of course Fve thougt|j
o(:|^i>t. But I caH^t picture Bart overcoming youi|
mother. She's very strong even if she does have a coidg
That's what worries me most, Jory. She had a tempet^
ture of one hundred, and fevers do make a perso||
weaker. I should have stayed home to take care of hei^
A woman is a fool to marry & doctor," he oonciu<l||
^
bitterly^ as if he'd forgotten I was there. And all the
while his motor was purring softly. He bowed his head
downonhKhand&^hafheltftBesteenii^^^^bi^at'? :.'^.
"Dad . . . yott go on and do what you can to check
the airiines. Til handle everything here." And I added
with a big burst of overconfidence, "And tctiaettlBeiMMadame
M. is here. And yorf: know how she is. Bart
wont puB 'anything- with her areiUBd." ^:'s' i'.:~ ^yy»-
Smiling, as if I'd given him the assurance he oeedied,
he waved goodbye, and drove off, leaving me standing
there and wondering just what to tto. 'The fiett» tafti c^
yesterday bad dwindled to a stow drizzle that was
miserablc^aiKi<xrfd,o(»tfleit^ad.
Home again, and I was hiding behind the shrubbery
all wet and dripping.as Bart sat in the kitchen and
refused to eat his breakfast. "Hate^crytBifl^'yoti
cook^'liesaasuBeiay^%'ii^sui^
voice commg toi afe s® clearly. Then i'saBfleily'iftBit
feeling spooked as I had before. It was the intercom
system, left <»». €fStea delivery men came to our back
door rather than use the spedat drive^hiat drcle<lW6!
front. Our breakfast nook wasn't too far from the panel
on the wall with dozens of buttons. 1 remembered when
our house was being constructed how moo) had wanted
"music nr every tooin---so housework won^t seem suck
a bore." ThencameMadame's strident -vofee. ^Bart,,
what's wroBgwittiyoureeBeal?" ''' ^^.'^-"^^^
"Don't like cerealwith raisins." T ^ w" ^
"Then don't ear thfe raisins." -: '--- ^^-^N^-,
"They get in the way." ; -' : .a^;"^^t- "Nonsease. If you doat eat biE'eakfast^^iaitte^ff
won't eat- lunch either. And up you don't 'eafr 'WaS^.
there will be no dinner---and one tefihyfear-old 'Iw^jfe:'
going to-bed very hungryt"^'^ -* ----"" „- ^:::i^ v^ '
"You cant Starve me to deaA?" BartstEtifaBtld.1'1*®!!
is my house^YEm doatbeloagBCTe? 'Sfe^^tei^t1*
"I wiU NOT geto<aMa»«ayiBg-UBia yoBengM^
returns safely; And don't yott4are raise your voice te
H^jatg^orIaigbttu^yo^pyeriB^koeie and paddle
your behind untH you scteaaa far mercy1" ; ^
"It wont hurt." he jeered--and ft wouldn't. Spankings
never bothered Bart who bad skin with no surface
nerve endings. .,.;,.i.',,-- . : , -s;, -I , ^.'-:
^''Thank.you^OT teU»a&aae,"said Madame'withgresat;1
aplomb "I will thep think of a better ppnislnnent--?
such as keeping you indoors, locked in your room."
J^y this tine I was peering in a window» There sat;;
Bart wiith.a secret smile on hte face.,; :. '. , a ;;
^ ''Ettnaa<" ordered Madame, "take Bart's plate away^
take his bowl, his orange jujce;toe, Bart--go' straigh^;(ek;
yoUB roora and don^tslet B»e hear aBOtherworclout of;
you until you can come to this table and eat your meate
w»thout;co|Qpla]tnlts»";- .-. :1, ; ^ ;:':; v.1 .[;:^|
^ "Witch, old;Nack wit^hi.conie to live ia ouKhouse("t
Bart chanted as he ambled away. But he didn't go to his
room. He bolted out of the garage door when Madame
wasn't looking, and from there he headed toward the;
garden wall, and the old oak tree he could climb to takft
hnn over! the. wall.!-. .-',; 1,:, .,. -.,„- ' .- - .1
I .ran as fast as I could, following, hint. But once I wafc
inside the mansion I lost sight of him. Where had Bart
gone? I stared right and left, looked behind me, turne<
around slowty. Had he disappeared up the staus o|
down into the cellar? I hated this house with its maze o
long corridors, with so many niches between the wall
where Mom could be hidden. Usually a builder use<
the leftover spaces to make closets or put in shelvesi
Butthsone,I.knew far a fact, had secret dpors»ori
W^SsesuSy .searched, aU tfee secret »ooms*$Hllhele^ I
-toQkiJ|n;(he»,agaM».{»;; ^:;, ;,-,-. -.^.s-.M1-^'''' -1 .i
Suddenly I heard a footfall.^ Bart^ wasright behal
me. He looked right through me, his eyes glazed as h
Stared bleakly at nothings I eouldn't belie^he did^
see; me.,1.,.;^ :;;,;-.. ^ -"..,, :^-^ -:1^
StA , ." ''"I ' 1 .
I followed silently, believing 1»e'd triBfe^W^teeee
Mom and her mother were hidden. Unfortunately, tee
headed for home. Sickened, dishearted, I trailed along
behind, feeling I'd betrayed my lather and failed him.
Lunehtime and Dad came home tired and distressed
looking. ^Any luck, Jory?" x
"No. How'aboutyou?" f ^^': '- '..r.-^,;-;'-' ^
"None, My mother did nofrflyw Hawaii. I checked
with all the airlines. Jbry, ibota XSi&y and tBy aBta^Ser
must be inside that house BeXtdww.*^^; L ? ^
I had an idea. "DadyWhydoB'tybate^alon(|-talk:
with Bart? Don't jump on him, or condemn him, just
say nice things. Praise him for 'being nice toXSndy,^l
him how much you care about him. I know he's behind
this for he keeps mumbling about the Lord and being
His dark angel of revenge.".^, :^ ^^ ^"' '1 ^^'. '.ri^1
Dad couldn't find any words to say as he digested my
information. Then saeatly,ne^<xff^4iffit^^
do what he could te' mate an BiiWuBted Btfleslsoy feel'
neededy-ff it wasn't ateeady too latsel?

^be J/ast Swfypea'

Later I went^ down to the eeflaragaia with Jbhn ABno&
"Corrine," 3bha Amos ^eaBed solay asK te?t»at iowet
stiffly. Clumsy ffikeme, he got'SowB^NskaetSaad
peered throughthe small Idtty^lo^flC^ea^El.^tit^?
you and your daughter to know this is your last meal, so
I ^ made it a;'good- one."'. $fc;.1^6d?tli^^Kl^tfgKNM?^
teapot and spat inside, then paired Ae»te«ning hot

liquid into fine china cups. **0ne for you, one for yo
daughter," he said. He Shoved one cup and sauc
inside the kitty door, then the other set. Next he pick
up a plate of sandwiches which looked stale and kin
dirty, then managed to drop theplateon the filt
cellar floor.
He picked up the little triangles and wiped them <
against his trouser leg,shoved the meat that had fall
Out back in, then put the plate of coal-dusted food
through the kitty door. "Here you are, Corrine fc.
.Worth," snarled John Amos in his hissy voice. "Lho
you find these dainty sandwiches to your liking, y
Ntehl I took your wOrd wnen you married me, tn
believing you'd be my wife--and though you ha
never been my- wife in the way I'd hoped, still 1»
inherit what is rightfully mine. Finally I have manag
to destroy you and yours--Just as: Malcolm wanted
kill all youK Devil's issue." "
Did be have to hate my granny s® much? Maybe s
wasn't to blame, like me who sometimes did bad thir
and couldn't help it. Why was everybody doing b
things to everybody else and calling the excuse "inhe
fance"?
""You flaunted your beauty before met" screamed c
'an enraged old man, "tormenting me when you wen
child--teasing me when you were an adolescci
thinking you could have your fun and I could ne
harm you. Then when you married your half uncle a
came back to disinherit me, you treated me like
wasn't even there--just another piece of furniture
ignore. ^iSSeH, :aie you arrogant now, Conine Foatwort
Do you feel haughty sitting in your own filth, holdi
your dying daughter's head on your fflthy top? I ha
Biade you crawl at last, haVea't I? I have beaten you
your own game,stolen Bart's affection from you, ma
ten; misfirest you said^ trust tt»e. You eaaft use yo
charm and feminine-wiles now. It's too late. I-hate y
ana
now. Comae RscwointB. For every ..-wowst ;t^tew1
fantasized was you, I have paid^ but no longer. I have
won, and though I am seventy-three now, I wBt uviKOin
at least another five or six years in luxury enough to
make up for all the years I've suffered at yourAands,"
My grandmother was sobbing quietly. S^was crying
too, wondering again who was right, him or her?" 8 ^
John Amos was saying terrible, things. Nasty evil
bad words that tittle boys wrote on toathtt»oin waQs:
Growa-up old men shouldn't talk Like that, and in
front of my grandmother and my momma. ;
"JohBt" yeUed Grandmother^ "haveat^ you dene
enough? fcet usout.and I'll^beyouE-wife intaewayyw
want, but; please do wot: punish my daughter iBore,
She's'-very .st^^Snft.'iMX^^'^^N-^^AoqiW^'tliei ^
police wiB caH^tfiwinurder i^-yoBa^'l^t^ aa^?m^
too." -i.-.^ .:^;„^.,^.,: l.;.'^;...L.^«;.,;l:.^l.'?4,^<.,L '
John Amos just laagbed widwalla^iheavay^ack^
the stairs. ' ' '. .'". -:^:.,;^^ ^^y^ ^..y-1.':;^:^""
I couldn't move. I was frozen,So confused M»Wt
know who was; good and who was bi«. ^w'^ ^ ;*aff '
"Barti" ^screamed ay ^raadmother. '"RBa.^EBat W
your father and felt him wheitewe are! Rwi, 'ntHf' '< V
Bleary-eyed, I (isi stood Aere.INda'tteewwhatto
do. ''PteaseyJBart,^^ Ng^.^'^^^yow ^^er
where we are." ;; ^'-::i'^""- ..^'i1-; ^'p''..-; !'.-';TOM..wl':il,
Malcolms-was that him over in tte aoro^i1'. life g&Wt
face frowning at ibc? Bassed Btysmutty hand oveiE aay
blurry eyes. Dark, so dark. I pretendedto teave, bat 1
snuck back. 1 wanted to bear mote of thetrath.
Out of the darkness came my mother's than voice
screaming at that old woman who was her mother, my
grandmother.' .. ^,-111;' '. 1: ' '/1'^^Y;1:''!;^',
"Oh, yes. Mother. I understood everything you sa^ti
We didn't stand a chance no matter who died and who
didn't die when you took us into RacwortfcHafl aaA
locked-.us" away.»Now,;;'ltete^«tR^^
because that crazy old butler didn't inherit the moo
Jhe expected, promised to him years ago by a de|
man---and if you believe any of that--you are jusfcj
crazy as he is." ;
"Cathy. Don't deny the truth because you hate met
much. I'm telling you the truth. Can't you see how Jol
has used your son, the son of my Bart. Don't you s
how perfect his revenge is?--to use the son of the mi
he hated, the man he felt took his place, when it cou
-have been him who married me if my father could baa
forced me to do it. Oh, you don't know how Path
tried to tell me I owed it to John to marry him,ai
allow him to have half of his fortune--he didn't guei
or maybe he did, that John wanted it all. And when y«
and I die, it won't be John who is found guilty--it v
be Bart. It's John who killed Ctover, then Apple. I
John who dreams of having Malcolm's power. Mi
colra's wealth. It's not my imagination when I hear hi
mumbling to himself incessantly."
"Like Bart," mumbled Momma, so funny soundin
"Bart's always pretending he's old and feeble, b
powerful and rich. Boor Bart. What about Jory--has i
got Jory? Where Ss Jory'?"
Why did she pity me and not Jory? Got up and Ie!
Was I crazy too--like ban? Was I a killer at heart
like him? Didn't know nothing about myself. W
foggy-minded, hazyseeing, but I did manage to mo
my heavy legs and somehow I climbed up all those o
stairs. . - ,' '. ... .. ' ' ' . -. . --1-' . .

889

He was the only father 1 could remember well.'-aaiif^
loved him even more in that relationship. He held out
his hand Und teA^tBe ^ast ^we'ttad to'llto, |a&»ti
followed, as I would have followed blindly anywhere he
led. For but of every terrible situation something good
had to come, and I knew now how much he meant to
me."' ''':i'i "I: ^'- ":':.:'/1% ''1'-:;'r', ;'-''; "I
With Dad leading tti^way, we went oriibeTaorcfoitt^
house next door. We^hadB't^seea Bart ^ fAemEiott.
How stupid of me to let him outsmart me, and mettle
away when I had flay head turned, watching some cute
thing Cindy did as she tried to dance like me.
Mom had been missing a full twenty-four hours,
That old butler let us in, standing back to scowl at us.
"My mother has not flown to Hawaii," stated Dad, his
blue eyes hard and cold. ' :"'"'.^1-'.- 1^.;;.^ ,^.;'!'1'1'
"So? She is not an organized woman. She may have
gone on to visit friends for the holidays.She has no
friends faere." 11::1'1;'^' ^/ .^'v ';1^.: /""' ' ^':1/',"You
smbke expensive cigarettes," sa«t '"osf fsaSter
dryly. "I lemeinber tn^ mgnt when Iwas^ev^WEeea
lying behind the sofa white you and Liwy the maid
were there: ..a^yOtesBKrt^lBesame«^ie(^^
French?"-^-' ------:- -,-;-'- ^-- -..-:"' ^-^y.^
"Right," said John Amos Jackson with a sneering
^f"^sy^s:ii.... y.w.»-"-yw%a>a.!.a w
as I i^s fjs js-:B,||g agi g.^i.sgg
? ^ a.| gi-iii l^i.^l^^li- ^1 li^ati
t| i| t1 M^l|1N|ii ^t iitlHJ
ll li |1 i -i iiiiiil^^^^^
1 r 15 liSttW^SHtiS^^^^^^

^ 3 9 § 0 ^ § c §'§2 5'£ ^ SP.o u'^ 8 §» § 5 t? ^.§"q'Si»'9f
J I fhillil^ililit11^^
s;. S s; 5 -I ! 8111 a S;i IJ'i^ it® tIS^^ 11 i I a |'. ?«
? „ ^. & X s i! 11; |a g III 11!] :!| ^l.l ^l^jis"1:
IS' I1 "11'" '-1.1 .r. I" r- ilil.si- "l'ss"'s"s,5i-
Cindy'srooin'back into the ldtiehea,-but Madame cam
.into the family room and slouched in a chair acros
from Dad, Just about that time Bart came in the doc
wad crouched down in a corner. "Where have you bee
jso long?" asked Dad, sitting up straighter and fcdn
Bart with a strange long look. Madame M. riveted he
dark ebony eyes on Bart too. Bart ignored them, an
.continued to make shadow pictures on the wall b
'holding his hands in contorted positions,
'The TV set behind me was turned on though no on
was watching. A choir of boys were singing Christma
eaxsAs. t felt exhausted from trying to follow Bai
around all day. Exhausted more from worrying abbu
Mom, to say nothing about what would happen to all c
us'. . . ' ' ' : ''' '"'-"'- ' ' " '[:''"i
I decided I had to escapfeby going to bed, and rose t
say good night, but Madame put her finger before he
lips and gestured to'Dad so he too would pay attentio
to what Bart was muttering tohimself ash6 made fh
eerie picture of an old man talking to a child.
"Bad things happen to (hose who defy the laws c
God," he crooned in a hypnotizing way. "Bad peopi
who don't go to church oh Sundays, who don't, tak
their children, who commit incestuous acts,will all g
'to hell and burn over the everlasting fires as demon
torment their eternal souls. Bad people can,be k
<ieemed only by fire, saved from hell and the Devil an
ytus pitchfork only by fire, fire."
WeiEd, really weird.
Dad could control his impatience and rage no longei
"Bart! Who told you all that hocuspocus?"
My brotherjerked upright, his dark brown eyes wen
blank. "Speak when spoken to, said the wise man.t
the innocent child. The-child says in return, unhol
people who commit sins will come to a fiery end."
'"Who^l^l^r,. :: , -. .:|
aw ' ^ I
"Old man from his grave. Old man likes me better
than Jory, who does sinful dancing. Old man hates
dancers. Old man says only I am fit to rule in his
place."
Dad was listening intently. I was remembering what
Bart's shrink had advised. "Hay along with-the boy,
pretend to believe everything he says, no matter how
ridiculous. Remember he*s only teai and at that age a
child can believe in almost anything, so let him express
himself in the only safe way he's found so far. When the
'old man' speaks, .you are hearing your son speaking of
what bothera him most." ^. yc^-^^'.; ,%:."^y.
"Bart," said Dad, "&teB to n^ caw^y. (fyour
mother didn't know how to swim, and.^e was drowning,
and I was there but looking the other »i'ay--ws^d
you tell me so I could jump in ;aB^s^A|^"^:,.^^;
, Any soirshoilid ItiFii^-'s^^iwai^a^y'birt .
considered this heayih(^fcowaB^^||h^hifc^
when it should haveeome spontaneously, "k ';?w s&
Finally he;answeBBd. "Yau wouldtt't^haWS ? ^0
anything tesave Monwa&om d?owBiag, Daddy, if
Momma was pure and without sin. God would save
her." . ' ' ",,; 1- . ," / ..:-,/. ..:..'.
M

Judgment Dsy

Nobody understood me and what 1 was trying to do.^
Wasn't no good trying to explain. Had to do it all on my
own. I slipped away ficOBi Daddy, (roaa Stxy, froBfraHI
those people who saw me as bad and unnecessary in
their lives. Iteld txaifw^and lco»ad go, and itwould^
make no difference to anyone. They didn't know I was
trying to help r^ht all the wrongsthey'd done before I
was even born, and all those done after I was bora.
?Stft. The Writf was rull of sinandsinners.
Wasa^ say fisii^t if Mornnia nad to be punished^
Thou^ It <M worry Bae sotae why God didaft wai»
Daddy included in the punishment. ",
John Amos had told me thai men were meant for
better things. Heroic things like going off to war and
doing brave deeds. No matter if legs and arms were
shot off--was a far-far better way to suffer than what
God had in mind for women. ]
Got to thinlang hard on the subject. What if the
pearly gates of heaven didn't open to receive my
momma's purified soul? "Go forth and sin no more"
I'd say if I were God. I stamped my golden staff on
heaven's golden floor and struck a huge boulder far
betow so it spite wide open and I could write on it my twenty commandments. (Ten weren't enough.) Wonder
how I could split open the Pacific and let all the
W8 t
righteous escape the heathens that were fast on their
'heels?- i:,' -'. ,:-i,'-,?.. ^-^.^.^i^- ^^
Gee, thinking like this made me feel bad iriniyhead,
in my legs, and it made my hands and -feet cold,
Momma, why did you have tObewVad? W^fii^y^
have to go and live with your brother and put the burden
of yow death oa me? ^ ^ ...-"^ .<«.. ,'i-.,
Jory was outside my door. Spying on me. Knew it
was him. Was always him sneaking around, trying to
find out what I was up to. I'd ignore him and concentrate
on my momma's last hours. She and Grandmother
oughta have good food for their last meat. Every
prisoner had her favorite meal before the end. Had to
do right by my momma and grandmother. What did
they like to eat most? I liked sandwiches best, so maybe
they did too. Sandwiches, pie and he cream shoold be
just fine; Just as aoon a» everyone w»^itl»8,sr8tt^p
their last. meal owe*' to them. '1"IA" .^..;v'^^ ^^ '^-h-'
Black night came. AH the lights were turned off.
Soon everything was very, very <|adet^ What wtattat?
Was it snoring I heard across the hall, in the guest room
next to foryls room? Old Madame Marisha snored.
D»sgustmg. '..'.' ^ -:;/.-',.-; ^ .,^;-/.l-.:aL....t.-.a^,'
I slapped tarieey between dabs of EBima*suhome-
made cheese bread. With two slices of cherry pie and a
quart of ice cream in my sack, I made my way to the
white whate of» house, BiovMiyas^quieras^iBBtttii^,^
Down, down, down all the steep stairs into the ceBar
where rats^wicK^aadspidefs roaxnedi^aad ^a^woBBeat
were moaning and groaning and calltng for me. Made
me feel important. I lifted the iatty ^oorjeBatTi»a»aBBder
the wine shelves and shoved in the sack with all the
goodies..,; j'^^1' '- ',^,_ ^.r^ y^^. .^^v^^^^w^
The Hght&6om the candle stab W ^aBffil^i^3»M^
very idin^ flickering, i^KwmgSpateAHaBK^^lfi^F
seeni solid at aB.-Mygrafidni^toer was trying to catoi
my mother who raged on and on: "Take your hands off
of me. Mis. Winstow. For awhile I felt like a child
again, and I was glad you were with me in the dark, but
now I remember. How much are you paying that butler
to do this to me? Why are you here?"
"Calhy, Cathy, John hit me over the head, just like
he did you. He hates me too. Didn't you bear all I
explained?" ..• .._..' . - •":•
"Yes,! heard, ft was like a bad dream, all the same
things Chris used to say to me, trying to explain why
you acted as you did. Even though he pretends to
hate you, underneath it all, I've always known he
still loved you, despite all you. did. He kept a little of
his faith in you . .. but he's stupid in his loyalty to
wOBaen. Filst.yoa.nowme." . :
I was glad I knew so many big words, so some day I
could write in my own journal and tell everyone how I
saved my momma from hellfires. '
I could see straw in Momma's hair which wasnt so
pretty now. Same old straw teat once was in the barn
where Apple stayed. They hadn't even thanked me for
making their prison softer and warmer with that
hay—had shoved it all in while they were both sleeping.
"Cathy, don't you really tow yourbtotfier? Have
you just used him?"
My momma seemed almost crazy as she struck out at
my grandmother. "Yes, I love him! You made me love
him. It was your fault and now we have to live ashamed
and guilty. Afraidany day our children will find out.
And now they have, because of you!"
"Because of John," whispered Grandmother, "I only
came here to help, to be near you, to share, just a little
in your lives. But stop feeling guilty, make it my shame
andmyguut.1 accept h as mine, all mine. You are
right. You have always been right in your judgment of
me, Cathy. Fm weak, foolish, and manage always to
make the wrong decisions. I think they're light when I
make them, but never do they prove anything but
wrong."- . : . ': "- 1 ' ^-j w1--te.'m
Momma quieted down. She sank back on her heels
and stared at her mother. "Your face, why did you cBj|^
atyourface?" ' ;
My grandoKrther bowed her head. She seemed to
have aged ten years inone long-long day. "I wanterffo
die after Bart died. I wantedtb desteoymybeautysono
man would ever want me again.^ dkhr'twafltte'lobkia
a mirror and see you staring back at me,for I hated you
too for A long time. It was obss «^t6 caiae N1^
summer and talked to me about you who made me see
your ads ofyoiur affaa'wtth my husband. He told me
you really loved Bart, that you should have had Bart's
chiMalsa^Tte^y^
have' ir'.dosBe. '''^^^wanted'Wlbeep' 1iBs; baby.'^iC^thy, thank
you for doing that. TT^ik ^o fer gh^ Ae
another 'Bsst^fof he'K'mine as J^rsfflSla^y^e."',- . Oh,''they bo^^loy^^o^r.NtWB^'^
health to give me life. Grandmother had stopped hating
Momma on account of me. I wasn't nearly as bad as I
thought.,.^, "'.' . .,,-,.-'..,. ., ^..-.^ ,.' '^-.^,
"Cathy, please forgiw me," pleaded my .granny.
"Say it, please say it at least once. I need so to hear you
say it. It was Christopher who loved me, who defended
me, but it was you who kept me awake at nights,
tormenting me even on my honeymoon with Bart--it is
your face, the faces of the twins that haunt me ^tia;
Christopher will always be mine--and yours, hart give
me back my daughters"--.-.^ --.^ -'^ '"mn&S.^ '.
'My mother screamed. Laud, ^mB, <aiB^i&t
screamed over and over. She hinged at my grandmath-
er and pounded her with her fists. 'Wo/1 can neveEM^
what yottwantt" She kaocl^^attt^NAlt'^l^-^ ^
over and the, hay^aughtowftMi. Qtd newspaper Ehey*d
. . 1 . " 9t»
used to keep warm soon was ablaze, and my grandmother
and mother were heating at the flames with
their bare hands, trying to put it out.
"%art!" screamed ray grandmother, "if you're out
there listening to us, run for help! Call the nre^
department! Tell your father! Do something quick,:
Bart, or yoltt-snother will die in this blaze--andGod will never forgive you if you.help John Amps kill us!" I
What? Was I helping John Amos or God? I
I ran like mad up the cellar stairs and out into the
garage where John Amos was putting his bags in thel
last one of the black limousines. The other was gone,
driving the maids tp safety, |
^sltomed^4Qwn^:ttunkQfthecar,tM
with a wide gsnn» and satd, "Well, tonight is the night, j
At twelve o'clock sharp---remember that. Trip stowtyi
down the stairs and into their place and Ugnt the |
'string." ""^ " "."";
"That smeAly string?"
"Yes. Ifs soaked in gasoline,"
"IiMdn't like the smeU» so I threw it away. Didn't^
want their last meal to be eaten in a smelly place." ^
"What are you talking about? Have you been teedinrf
them?" He whirled as if to hit me and then oiirt ctf|
nowhere lory sprang upon Jbhn Amos. The old man
feft on hff bacS, with 3ory astride, and then Daddy |
ny^'imo'^ garage.^8 -1::^''' '': '."'1''-"11-'-'^i ^ ^ :a-|
"Bart.. . w^ watched ^you? make Sandwiches an<t||
slice the pie-*-and talae'^the iee cre!an»--nbw where ^
your mother ana your grandmother?"
i"^' DMB^JffitWwhittlb-.ao.^-''11^ ^'"1 '"
"Dad!" yened Jory, "I smellsmokel"
"VUlereareiaiey.BBrtr*
3gJaif,Aaaos yelled oaUtDaddy, "Take thatcraaytt^|
away^fixi»liete^--tii»aad^match^
o^. Hunjand h8n»a3Ey stunts, li^kimng that dear Ktttel
puppy who loved him so much. It's no woader Corrine
aae
panicked and ran wfthout telling me where she was
going." He cried real tears and wiped at his runny nose.
"Oh, God . . . I wishto heaven we'd never come here
to live. I told Oarine no good would coaie^tf t&fiit^ .
l(ct/He was teUmgues on me! Wasn't none of that
true! ' 1-!::.-^;:":..- .- ",;". ..^-.^t^wfe
"You aid ttaUl Yon arfrthe crazy Ba(SB»^bbB.a<Sj8^?
and Wse Malcolm ww6A, I ran <wer to &N( afrteK
"Die, John Amos! Die and be redeemed through
death!" . ' : - ."'} / . '
My arms were caught and I was Mfted away.,Daddy
had »e m his araas and was trying to cafan ine. "YOtti*
mother .. . wheels yottf inother? Where is the flre?"
A red haze was in my eyes, but I reached in my pants
pocbet and gave my daddy Ac key. "h^the^wiae
cellar,** t-ssadSviSSy, AvaMI%fle?tteArew^atf;^at&^
like they ended Poxworth HaH. Makohn wanted it that
way-HaB thfrlittte attic inke to %intao4ato^«^K^i,ing
contaminated seed^ ^ ': i ". 1- ; i. '^' ^w^y:'^
Far away from Wj body I was standing, watching the
stunned terror in Daddy's eyes as he tried to delve into
myeyes^..butltarew(heywerebla(a^^
there. Didn't know where I was; Didat (are.

jRedeiaptton

'Fi». The mansion was ow ftpe;''' -" 1 ^:-' s<?;.*^:. ^K'.^ ''
I steaddted .fohB AfliiOs.wnoiEiaiihuaae aff^tt&il
to, but soon he^kaew whofhaa tt»*@ttSQ pounds ^tt#i
'Tfett-'eaat-get" as^p^W.stote^lMtt^^^i&a^^
brother's mind, made him think awful things. 11
Gso^l yottrot (tt.semaejail cellfat. the rest of your fifel
what you'veidone,"::^ /1.../,.; - . .:-.,;, -,1, ^,:'- :
While Jphn Amos and I had at it, .Dad spedotf to 1
Mom ami his mother, with Bart at his heels screair
out how he could get to the wine cellar.
f'Ge^offaw.teoyl" yelled John AxBos.laekson. ''I
brother of yours is crazy--daogeroustHfr starved 1
poor puppy .then stabb»sd,hBn with a pitchfork. Is 1
the act of a sane child?" ^
"Why didn't, you stop him if you saw him do
that?"1 ^ .,,, :, ..--,.,, :-,-,.. ^..-:1-- .-. ,,' - '.;,
"Why^ why ^,." sputtered^ the old man, "be
haveturned on me tike a wild beast. The boy is i
IHEe fais grandmother. Why it was my own wife who!
Vastdig up the stastetoa of bei pet kttten. Ask her,
oaaiasl^her.'y / '.'". .-': -'.-i'-. . -/;.,",.... -.'-1:-.
SoHBieof.what he said was gettmg to TOe. Bart wa^
irrational. Yet, yet--was he a killer? "Bact talks in h^
sleep, old man. He repeats everything he hears during:
the day like a parrot. He quotes from the Bible ami
pronounces words he wouldn't be able to if soroeon||
like you wasn't jcoaching him." , ; ^ ?»
"You fool boy! He doesn't know who he is! Can't yottS
see that? He thinks he is his great-grandfather Malcolm
Fbxworth ... and like Malcolm he's driven to kBH
every last living .member of the Poxworth clanI" ^
At that moment I saw my father stumble into the
garage carrying my mother in his arms, with his
mother, dirty and in rags, following behind. I jumpedl
up and ran. "Mom, oh Mom!" I cried, overjoyed to seel
she was still alive. But she looked dreadful, dirty, pale
and thin ,., but alive,, thank God!
Shfrwas conscious. "Wher-e's Bart?" she whispere<tg
: With thai question she lost consciousness and
slumped in Dad's arms. While looking around for Bart,
I noticed that John Amos Jackson was oo longer to be
seeit ^©ad/'Iai^todrawhfeiOTetittertf^J^t)^
out -of the dim shadows of the garage, the butter
appeared with a heavy shovel. He brought that shovel
down hard on top of Dad's head. Silently, without a
groan, Dad slumped to the floor with Mom still in his
arms. Again that butter raised the shawl as ff^to ?
Dad--and maybe Mom too. I ran, and I kicked with my
right teg as I'd never kicked befoee,r:Tne saovefc^e|rf
spinning away, and as John Amos Jackson whirled to
face me, I let him have it with n»y^ft loot sql^tmNte;
stomach' He groaned aBd,!shwn»edove(.;^ 3 y;
But Bart---where was Barf? , r ^
"tory," caUedjthe ino^er .of rey pa^rite» "get SBpur
parents :outoi.|this: garage, as ^^lad^^.yoitcan'^jMt.'
them so far away they won't be^buEt if ttys jWg6 ^ws
when the fiB^ reaches ^ ^as<di@fe m hwe. flurry!" ]e
started toobject, but ^ look care^^^ "]PU nnA
Bart. 'Vbn jtt?t, keep my ..isoh and daughter safe.", ^ ^
It was easy to pick up Mom and ran Nth Iwr ^ a?a^
place anidt lay her down, trti!^^easy^<|i^|I^»i^
his ':shouldiers'to ^Ijie^beride'^ier ^unde^ A.JBefe-^^^,'
managed. ;The.',houselnpw ,snioi|^|B^:^ev|@ri^^pbydows.
My brother was in there--and' my 'fi^an^ao(l|ei''
, :- .^*,,;;;'1 -::..:. .,; . .,,, ,.,.-:-., ;,---^'"°7 --^..^^h.!!'
too. ^ ^ ;1. ' - ' , _ ,_ _;,, , . 1,/.',.'..,;.;;''',;.,.„.
John Amos Jackson had rec^eredaiKlhfej^n^^
inside (he burning house. In the Mtcheh ,1 "saw l6|in
Amos]stroggHiBg1?nn my grandinother^He^was balfftring
her face. with^Slaps. I rariforeseifel^r'tirougjithe
snioke wasfe myesBS. ^Ifoullneverget avKry^tiht llas^
John!" she yeUed as hettted to choke her. I teH overa
chair that haffbeeixlurnetf over, and |uin^&tf'to in^leet
just. ^ 'lame' to'-see^ hier^bring'tioWB' a'Viewvy 'Venetian'
glass ;1 aslitriy. "s6;;:.B;:;s(ruek;;Bi^t. xat^tas' tieiBpte;''''^;:
shunped to the, ^noorlike -« VstA '^eme^^cw fe^VtSSiff'.
iaat^'wbea'1-saw-B^rifo^-^'aBK^I^ '"""
to lug that huge portrait to safety. "Midi
sobbing, "gotta save Monuaa. Monuna,
yououtof here, don't you fear,'cause I'm )ust as brav
as Jory. just as teaye . » . can't tet yOO bum. Job
Amos was lying, he doesn't know what God want!
doesn't know..." ;
"Bart," crooned my grandmother. Her voice was s
Bice ay Mom's. "I'mherd You can save me—not jus
.the portrait;" She stepped forward, limping badly, an
I; guessed she'd tripped and sprained her ankle,, for i
,each step she grimaced. "Please, darling,youand
have to leave the house." .
He shook his head. "GottasaveMommat You're he
.my momma!" i =
"ButI am," said anothervoice in another doorway
.My eyes widened 'to see "my motherstanding then
clinging weakly tb'tBe'ddorirame as she ple^
Bart. "Dariing,letgboftbe portrait and all of us wi
leave ttris house." Bart looked from her to his granc
mother, stfn cengmg to the huge heavy portrait ttat h
could never have the strength tO drag from the hous<
"Gonna save my momma, even if she hates me,
muttered^ Bart to himself as he tugged at the hujg
heavy portrait. "Don't care no more if she loves Jor
and Gndy better. Gotta do one good thing and the
everybody will know I'm not bad, and not crazy."
Mom ran to him and covered his small dirty face wit
kisses, as all around us the room Jilted with smoke.
"Awy!" caHedsay igrandmOther,"caB the firedepar
ment! Take Bart out of here, and I'll lead your moths
,6ut." ' :} , -.,7'}1'.,, ',;... ,".'.1 '^/..1/.:., '^,';
But Mom didn't want togo; she seemed pbUvious c
the danger of staying in a smoke-filled house.with fix
underneath. Even as I dialed 0 for the operator an
told her what was going on, then gave her the addresi
Mom was down .on her. knees hugging Bart close
"Bart, aay.sweetheart, jf you can't accept Cindy as yos
sister and Uyehappyy with her, yH send her «a®yi"i'
;a6fc ' • ' .
His glipflbosened on the portrait as ins; eyes grew'
wider. "No you won't. ..',"
"Yes, I swear I win. You are my son, born&om my
love for your father . . ."
"You loved my real daddy?" he asked unbelievably,
"you really did love mm, eventf you seduced and kitted
him?" ; :--1; .--1;; '- -..'... .--..^:-1 :.^,
I groaned, then ran ^seize hold of Bart. "Gameon^
let's get out of here while we have the-chance."/":" ^" '''
"Bart, you go with Jory," caBeCr'my |pmii(faa(^K6r,
"and t'll talbe care itfmy dau^tiNf."^ ^
There was the side door Bart used to sneak inside the
house, aiKt I draggrfhi^^owiadthat^tookingi^^
see Mom was being pulled along by her mother. Mom
seemly oim 'the- ^v<^';af^1Nntteg,l's6;,'^:g^and)^^ .
ainic^'h^^^aify'her^,'^ ^ '}1.:;:^.; 1: ,l'l.^";;'"/"'l.""
M;I,:l8n''?bttli '^N»use,''E9nI^''Bart^,|^'t^
undet;1fitelIteee'wh€^Td''lteA'l^him,'^s^
sagged 'J%!'iiie^,l'Inlt^|Be^^;laltns. '^W^'''^^':^^]^^^;,
womsen tumbled overbatdkwai^,iind^
:',,'" "'' ' - ' ' } ,i ^-'"' ' "'"'X ''"^'- . ': .:. ;" ; - ';,'- ^^^l'-,.-^:!.' '.;a/'^, "^'^^^
smoke obscured'jthem.'''1'^.,,,.' ^ '..^J11' ^^",4' ;%:1^,-^'
'"Oh,';my''Go^,'lS'<:<athyl!s^?;m'i^fi^
I)ad»:stiD;w^aa|! 'at,the,Nood :^*^'l^u|^'t^|'
flowing from the deep gash on the side .j0(£ih3is:.hea|.^,,;:
"Momma's gonna die, I know it!" cried Bart, racing
towapt..^ieAouse,aj[»d fi^iai^^tpjun.aiB^to I
hurled myself forward and brought him down with a
tacfete^ H^lfou^t a»e VSse ft madman. ''Mona^a, 8^tt,a
save ^Mommal.JiMyt-^.aie^'^le^^itet.^i!^*^; fw ;: ;i;.-te
"You don't have to. Her mother is going to save
her," I said, lookingowe my^sfiolucleras I !ie|ci|ijm
down and prevented bub fossa entering Bhflit,ha»»sift<3t
fire again-^. '.' .^ . i'' ; :,. ;1;: .'',,: '^.1," ^^'^y^
Suddenly Emma and Madame Marisha were in the
yard, holding to me, to Baft, fwaj^sli^m^
hands groping before him he was beaded toward tl
- house, crying out, "Cathy, where are you? Come own
that house'Cathy^ I'm coming'"
That's when Momma was shoved violently throuj
one of the French doors that-opened onto the patio»
I ran forward to lift her up and carry herto Daf
"Neither one of you has to die," I said with a sob in a
throat. "Your mother has saved at least one of hi
children." ' ,,.,:^. '.^y^ ,, ;, . But
cries and screams were in the air. My gran
mother's black clothes were on fire! I saw her as pi
sees a mghtmare, trymg to4»eat put the flames.
'"Fall down. and roll pnthis ground!" roared Dai
releasing lay mom so quickly she fell. He ran toward I
mother,. seiBed her up and roiled her on the grouni
She was gasping and choking as he slapped out the foe
One long wild look of terror she gave him before spa
kind ofpeace/came over her^face--and stayed thee
^/hy did th^expressfon just stay tSere? Dad eraed pfl
then leaned to put his ear fo her chest. "'Momma,'' J
so^ed, "please don't be dead before I've had fli
fhance to say what I must. . .Mpmma, don't t
dead,.^ '"-' !i,''i'' """;;'.. ;R'' . 71''^1,"
iBurshe^aB dead. Evea I cbuld teBE tnat iBrom ti
glazed way her eyes kept staring up at a starry wiht
laght'sky;^1"-"^1-' "-:' ";':y'1- ^ " ::i-:'^ 1 .
''Her hearf," said teulwiffi a daz^took. -Just ul
her father had . . .ft seemed l»er lieart was abPot ^
jump from ner chest as I rolled her about. And no
she's dead. But shfr (Bed saviifg her^daagBteri"

vi^^ ^Q avewl^l'

Wfe

All the shadows that clouded my youthful days, allthe
question ^'^'aOtteNl^'liea^l^alit;
aboirt^N^'^BeettNeto^a^ftNtei^l^Bt
from Ae-'tSteBett.1? ^^-^^^^'-^^^.^a^lSl^^llt^^

granclnrothCT that llfc would go on ^^N^ffiid^^
mudi' wolfld'ti^^t^^^Sill^5^
Stftne tift^ili^t^^^^^i^l^^l^ift''''
Bart's shoulders and he became again the quiet, meek,
little boy'<(^'-(»tfldtt^11ia^<^W^
His psychiatrist said he would gifrw out of that grad- ually.with enough love given him, and enough frfends
his'o^TO-l^jertoi'triteywith.-^,'" '/-- :^.'^1'°-YI';-1?^.
Even as I write this I can look through the open
window and see Bart playing with the Shetland pony
our parents gave him for Christinas. At last he had his
"heart^'d^lite."1"."--^'"^'11^''^1-''^- ^"!^,^^
I watch him often, the way he looks at the pony, the
way he stares at the St. Bernard puppy my daddygave
him too. Then he turns his head and stares over at the
ruins OS We iajaafSBit. He 'aever ^e^eif fier, ^
grandmotfier of our lost summer. We never speak the
name of John Amos Jaclcson, oor mention Apple or
Clover. We cant risk the health and happiness of one
unstable nttte boy trying to find his way in a worid that
isn't always likea fairy tale.
We passed a true Arab woman on the"street the a
day. Bart turned around to stare after her, wii
longing in his dark-dark eyes. I know now that w
ever else she was, Bart loved her--so she couldn't t
been as awful as I think when I read Mom's book.
made Bart love her, even as John Amos too
vulnerable child and warped him.
And so John Amos got what he deserved, and,
my grandmother,, he too lies dead in his grave,
back in Virginia, the home of his ancestors who set
in what history books caU "The Lost Colony." All
plotting and scheming was for nothing. If, whereve
is, he can think, I wonder what he thinks and 1
knowing what was in the will my grandmother left.
he turn over in his grave when the lawyer told us
our grandmother had left the entire Foxworth estat
Jory Janus Marquet, Bartholomew Scott Wins
Sheffield, and surprisingly enough, Cynthia Jane N
ols too would get her share. And none of us v
legally her blood kin--legally. All that money hel
trust for us, until we reach the ag& of twenty-five.
held in trust, ray father and mother the administrat
We could live in splendor if we chose, or if
parents chose, but we live on in the same redw
house with the marble statues out back, and every;
thegardea growsmore lush. .
. Bart keeps himself exceptionally clean now. He
not lie down to sleep at night- until his room; i
complete order, everything precisely placed--My
entslook at each other when he insists on doing 1
and I see fear in their eyes, making me woods
Malcolm Nealpoxworth was exceptionally clean,
.neat.',. , - ,.., . .^ .^ .... . -,' ',,- ^ ^ ..,-.
.Bart toid down the law to my mother and father,
morning soon after Christmas had come andgone,
he had his pony: "If you are to keep Cindy then you;
no longer live together as man and wife and conti
nate nay Bfe with youirsBuiing. You;-,- „ _
room, Daddy, and Momma /w to sleep atone^.,
rest of her life." - ' -" ^.'^y: '"- ^ ' - ^',:' ^.'^ii'fii
VSestbes one of my parents said anything, tft
looked at han until be SasWS "anaR ''";A """^
munnuiii^, "1'wsonry. ,^ l^tt oat?
I'mJi^ine^ncAcxtylBiHA."1^^^^^^^^^^^

Bart is a true Fbxworth
rute a^ail, so te^M^,Mi
wiUbuaa.fAnd^j
areloa^^'lteyE
petted his new
be^Atfffsty^
over, for(
and bra
"nti
he;

applawl myl
Acting, that'si
a little boy wftcns
yet, sometimes when 1
about, all W l^pe»^
there1 must be some reasorii I
of the ruins should come the l
all the'1^»<a^l^t.w>|etf^^ ^
he be as ruthless as our great-gn
an even- grieateir (oriB^^.ltlRI^^
becaus&iof one eveffltMsBiA^^W
year l^fmSate^ '"'t'
I'll take him lqf^»taarft<BjaK3^^
into fliftgaBEle^^^u^^togetl^
copy of Rodin's "The Kiss" and maybe then he
realize thatjQod planned for men and women to love
a physical way, and it's not sinful, only natural.
1 pray that someday Bart will see Ufe my way--th
.love--no matter what its form, or how it corn
wrapped, is worth the price, no-matter how high.
iiBetween the choice of love or money I'll take low
But first comesjdancing. And when Bart is old and gr
and he sits in Foxworth HaH counting his billions, I'll!
With my wife and family content with the hap]
memories of how it used to be when I was youn
graceiBl, handsome, on stage with the foots in my eyt
the sound of applause in my ears, and 111 know
fulfilled my destiny.
I, Jory fanus Marquet, will cany on the fami
tradition. '-

Bart

Thegfdon^t fenow or understand me any more than th
did before. Jbry fooKs at me^wilhf»ty, Like rm dnfere
from the rest of the human race. He feels sorry that
don't like his kind of music, or any^kind of music,; as
colors don't paint pictures in my brain or make music
the air. He thinks I will never find joy in anything. B
.Ftt find a way to enjoy. t'H know the future that is n^
for me, for that was the true reason God sent fl
grandmother and Jiohn Amos and Malcolm to me,
4-1«A A~-A--_ . « * .« p-m ,
*ow tes^st^ii|»^g^((e^^

beB<^ ^^'A^.&^^^s-'le^y^l^lai^
-I watch my oiQiiBSft-.w^ <^ld|
so<;akinto
^^-WBKsarfflt^
Qther^ wiB^^lBllNfllsii^'^'''
..i-apidly: Ix^uWifca^^^illl
nightmares ainyn»Me£ I '»e&
breakfast table, looking bteer than ever for Ae
gQ-o^his stra^fei^|^a^:i^e|»
,it;lKweJS%l!ert^tiht|&^;^
-
old^,'<%^anBdffii^
him1 soflaeajB^l<ato^l^^
to be dailBoess if ther^fetB^beHgItL

1 reaieitehei.iSQaiiBA<rf^ what wentoa befOWliff^fi^Kte
Greenglenna to-.-bury 'iny-'iia^thCT -bes&fei'N^«»tSMStfi^
husband. Ira^a^wtoinsastedAat
had'to He,in::ete^nall;ste^be»de--^&^BlB69fe^^l^l^te
fatfa^.Bartbotoroew'WiB^ow^
'^lU&a aodMaSatigae Massslaa, amii, aw^ls^piNliaf^^^gr'"""'1
the '<lay1 wheB.MadaiBe.wodA Ctyifi^.3a(«B^fi<N|rt^|
fenaSfy. f .'.,-. : ,vl:^,.y/,-, -yt^-^stfi^tet&'";;l
When the fira^Qd<itfdan^earA»to»efcbwa^^
its grave, it took n» ba^ ^'^i^en;^ ^wass'ffee^'gfeasi^^
olA and Daddy w W (rtl^WllKNl*-1^^ |

^sga

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